Shooting the Rapids - Chapter Nine
Title: Shooting the Rapids
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: NC-17
Length: 35,648 / 105,220
Spoilers: Possible mentions of up to Season 2 finale
Pairing: Rachel/Santana
Summary: The sequel to Standing on a Precipice. Rachel and Santana have managed to survive the turbulent waters of the loss of Jesse and the shocking truth hidden in Santana’s marriage. Now two years later, new troubles arise with Shelby taking a stand in defense of her daughter against Santana’s "corruption" and the involvement of the tabloids as the couple becomes more and more drawn into the public eye. Kayla’s success in gymnastics brings interest from an unexpected direction and Santana has decided she wants to try again for a child of her own. Can they survive as a couple and help their children thrive amidst the chaos?
Warnings (highlight to read): Pregnancy, angst, children, non-con and drugging and talks thereof in later chapters
Chapter Nine
Santana sat in the optometrist's office, with Kayla sitting next to her nervously. Santana and Rachel had been called a few weeks before by Kayla's teacher letting them know that the girl was having a hard time in school. She had been getting headache's and had been unable to see the board and she thought they should get her eyes checked. So, while Rachel stayed home with the boys and she and Puck worked on his musical stylings, Santana took the little girl to the eye doctor.
"Santi?" Kayla said quietly as they waited to get the results of the doctor's exam, "What if I have to get glasses? People will make fun of me! They'll call me four-eyes and try to flush them down the toilet!" She was horrified at looking like a geek, which secretly amused Santana to no end knowing how Rachel was in school.
"Hey," Santana turned to look at the girl and put down the magazine that she had resting against her stomach. "You're not a geek, you're brilliant and you will look wicked cool if you need glasses. Not everyone who wears glasses get picked on, little lady."
"Nuh-uh, they do!" Kayla crossed her arms defiantly and jutted out her lip.
Santana reached in her bag and popped open her case and slid her rectangular ray-ban glasses onto her face. "Do I look like a geek or a four eyes?" She asked raising her eyebrow at the child.
Kayla pouted but looked up at Santana. Finally with a big sigh, she wiggled the toe of her shoe against the floor and rocked forward on the chair. "No," she murmured softly, "but you're big and pretty. Not like me. I'm little and my nose is too big. Glasses'll just make it worse, Santi..."
"You will look adorable." Santana reassured her, "You are a beautiful girl, Kayla. You have a nose that is perfect for your face, you my dear, are amazing and I think you will look amazing in glasses." She smiled and pushed the girl's hair out of her face. "And you're not little. You'll be taller than me soon! You're already as tall as your mom... but that's not hard - she's tiny."
Kayla rolled her eyes and stuck her tongue out. "I know Mama's tiny. But I'm the smallest in my gymnastics class. And I'm not skinny or pretty as Jenny."
"Well… Jenny is also built differently than you. She's taller by like four inches than you are, but you are a petite little girl and you are very beautiful."
She looked shyly up at Santana, "You really think I'm pretty, Santi? I'm gonna look like a nerd in glasses though..."
"Well, I think you are especially pretty. That kinda pretty that people don't understand at first but then once you see it you can't see anything else." She smiled, "That's how I think of your mom and that's how I feel about you. You are a beautiful girl, and glasses will just enhance that."
When the doctor came out he explained that Kayla would need glasses for reading, that she could wear them all the time or just when she's reading the board at school. He brought her over to the display case and explained that she could pick a pair of glasses and they'd put the lenses inside.
"What ones do you want, K?" Santana asked as she looked over the couple dozen choices.
Kayla looked overwhelmed by all the options available. She reached out and took Santana's hand, nervously looking at the various frames with her lip caught between her teeth. "There's so many, Santi... I... How do I pick?"
Santana tangled their fingers together. "Well. I think something classic, so like navy blue or black." She said taking about 12 out of the mix that were coloured. "Do you wanna try on come oval ones or rectangle?" she picked up two kinds and helped put the oval ones on the girls face. Kayla scrunched her face, not liking how they looked.
"No me gusta." Kayla said as she quickly took them off, causing Santana to giggle and put them back. She handed her the other pair and Kayla slipped them on and smiled. They were more or less just a smaller version of Santana's and she looked up and smiled. "I like these. I look smart."
"You are smart, darling." Santana smiled and fixed them on her daughter face. "You look so grown up."
"Not yet though, right?" Kayla smiled shyly up at the older woman, squeezing her hand, "I'm still you and Mama's little girl, right?"
Santana smiled and brushed the girl's hair back. "You will always be our little girl. Forever okay?" she pressed a kiss to her daughter's forehead and pulled away to look at the glasses. "Do you like any others?"
Kayla smiled softly at her adoptive mom and squeezed her hand. "I think I like these best. Is that okay?"
"Totally, baby girl." she smiled, she raised her arm and flagged down the doctor and they went about working to fit the glasses to the girl's face and then sending them off to get lenses. It would only take about an hour, so Santana lead the girl out to the mall and headed for the ice cream shop. "I think you deserve ice cream... and the baby really wants it too."
Kayla laughed, "You just want ice cream cause Mama won't let you have the real stuff at home." She stuck her tongue out at the pregnant woman as they walked through the mall. "Daddy was like that too, I think. I kinda remember him taking me out for my birthday and getting something Mama wouldn't let us have at home, but I don't remember what it was any more." She sighed sadly, not usually willing to talk about her deceased father with the older woman, "Why does it get so hard to remember things like that? I want to remember everything, Santi."
"I know you do darling." Santana sighed and took her to sit down. "that's why we have photo albums and videos... I think it was fish he took you out for, baby-girl." She handed the girl a menu and smiled at the waiter.
"Can I please have a coffee and a bowl of strawberry ice-cream?" she smiled and looked at Kayla. "What do you want?"
"Strawberry too, please, but can I have a cone, Santi?" Kayla kicked her feet against the floor, "I know we have pictures and stuff, but it's not the same. I can't remember what he smelled like anymore, or what hugs felt like." She sighed and looked worriedly across the table at Santana, "You and Mama won't go away like he did, will you?"
"I know we will try really hard not too." Santana smiled at the waiter before he left. "I will promise that I will try my best to stay here for as long as I can."
When the coffee and Ice cream came, Santana took a long sip. "Would you like if your mom and I talked about your dad more?"
"Would you?" Kayla looked excited for a moment, then faltered, " Oh, but... it makes Mama sad to talk about Daddy."
"I think she will be okay... It's been a few years it might help her not be sad if we talk about it with Caleb and Alex. They weren't old enough to remember him like you do."
Kayla licked at her dripping cone for a bit thinking about it, "Do you really think so? I'd like to talk about Daddy more."
"I think it would be good for everyone." she smiled taking a spoonful and swallowing it. " I want Alex and Cale to know about their dad... And I know biologically the baby isn't his... But I'd like them to know him too..."
Kayla nodded, licking some ice cream from her lips and nibbling on her cone. "Santi, do you think maybe," she occupied herself eating her ice cream for a moment before continuing, "Do you think we could go see Daddy sometime? Mama gets sad when we go, but I just wanna talk to him sometimes, you know?"
"Yes," Santana said, "I think we can do that, even if it's just us... We can go." Santana drank her coffee and rubbed her stomach gently. "I want you to feel like he's with us always, okay?"
Kayla nodded, "Thank you, Santi. It, um, it means a lot to me that you came today." She ate her ice cream for a little while in silence, just thinking as she nibbled on her cone, "Um, Santi? Mama and Daddy don't wear glasses, but you do... so," she nibbled on her lip, "does that mean I'm like you too now?"
"If that's what you want," Santana beamed slightly at the fact Kayla wanted to look like her. "I think you will look like a good mixture of all of us. Just like Cale has curly hair and blue eyes like your dad and but is smaller like your mom and Alex has light brown hair and he's tall like you and your dad, and the baby... They will have dark skin like me and be Jewish like you."
"Just like me?" Kayla smiled at that idea and kicked her feet as she crunched her cone, "Maybe a baby sister?" She grinned mischievously, having been told by her mama that they didn't know if the little one would be a brother or sister and just teasing.
"Maybe a baby sister, but your mama and I don't know yet. There are few things in the works that can surprise us, the baby is one of them." She didn't want to tell her that it was because she lost a baby girl at the same time in her pregnancy years back, she didn't want to let Kayla know that she knew what size her child was and she couldn't get the image if her deceased daughter out if her mind for the last few weeks.
"Well, I'm gonna hope for a sister," Kayla nodded, finishing off her cone and reaching for a napkin, "Cause I think that would be really cool." She glanced over at Santana conspiratorially as she cleaned off most of the traces of ice cream on her fingers and face, "Did you know Alex totally stole my baby doll and carries it around talking to it when you're not home? He's so silly."
Santana giggled and finished her ice-cream. "That boy is so excited." she watched Kayla and smiled, "He sneaks into my bed and talks to the baby when I'm sleeping. He's a crazy little boy."
"I know! I tried to stop him from bothering you when you were napping the other day, but he started screaming and I didn't want him to wake you up," Kayla frowned, "He's such a brat sometimes."
"He's just loving, I bet you did the same thing with cale in your mama's tummy." she smiled, having heard stories about Kayla talking to Rachel's stomach.
"Nuh-uh. I was good and let Mama sleep." Kayla folded her arms and pouted having come in the room in time to hear Rachel telling Santana stories about the little girl plastering her face against her mama's stomach to "give the baby kisses".
"It's still cute." She smiled, "Yep, so about three more months and we'll see the little one and you and Alex can stop attacking me in my sleep." She paid for the treat and offered her hand to Kayla. "Come on let's get you some glasses and then we can go home."
"Hey, I don't attack you in your sleep!" Kayla pouted as Santana paid, but she took her hand and headed out of the shop with her. They walked in silence for a bit before she piped up again, "Santi, I'm glad you're here. I really miss Daddy, but I'm glad you make Mama happy."
"Thank you, Kayla. That means so much," she felt her heart swell and she blinked away tears. "I love her so much. She will always love your daddy, but I'm glad I can be here for you all. I love you and your brothers so much.. I just... Thank you for being okay with everything."
Kayla nodded, nibbling on her lower lip, "I didn't wanna be. I wanted to hate you cause you aren't Daddy. But you're really nice to me and my brothers and you make Mama smile and laugh. And that's good. So I thought about it a lot. Like a whole lot. And... you're not that bad. You're not Daddy," She glanced up at Santana shyly, "but you're pretty cool."
"I never want to replace your daddy, but I will always love you." she said as they walked into the store again.
It was almost a week after Kayla got her glasses - and a great deal of compliments from Beth, her grandparents, Ajay and Mina and of course, her mama - and Rachel was in their home office, typing up her and Santana's schedules during the moment of quiet that Saturday afternoon. The children were out with Ajay and his family for an outing at the park, Santana having been too tired to go and Rachel not wanting to leave her alone. She'd just turned the page in her notebook to begin transcribing her scribbled entries onto their Lotus Notes calendars when she heard the panicked calling for her name.
Scared and more than a little alarmed by the shrill note in her lover's voice, she'd thrown herself down the stairs towards their second floor bedroom where Santana had been napping, nearly falling and only catching herself at the last second. She'd ran down the hall, slipping on the carpet in stockinged feet and flung open the door. "What is it? What's wrong?!"
Santana looked up, her face frozen in a panicked expression. "I can't feel the baby." Her voice was breathy and she was holding her hand against her stomach. "I can't feel it. It's been like 30 minutes, and it hasn't moved." She finally let the tears spill out of her eyes as she spoke. "What... what if it's like Alejandra. What if it's dead and I don't know it. What if..." She broke down into body shaking sobs as she spoke, her words dissolving into the tears.
Rachel breathed a sigh of relief that that was all it was and padded into the room, climbing on the bed with her lover and wrapping her arms around her. "That's normal, sweetheart," she whispered, pressing a kiss to Santana's head and rocking her gently, "The baby's just sleeping. If they don't move in another couple of hours, we'll call Dr Winters and go in to the office to make sure, okay? But I'm sure they're just sleeping, beautiful."
"But..." Santana whimpered, she remembered vividly that Alejandra just stopped moving one day. That she just stopped and Tobias kept telling her it was fine. "He said that too, and it wasn't fine Rachel! You got to deliver three healthy full term babies! I had to have mine when she wasn't much older than ours! What if she's not okay?!" Santana exclaimed her body shaking in fear.
"Santana," Rachel whispered against her head, doing her best to stay calm while Santana was panicked, "I am not Tobias and I do understand your fears. I promise you, love, we will go see Dr Winters immediately if she's not moving in another couple of hours. But babies sleep sometimes even while we're carrying them," she gently brushed her fingers over the swell of her lover's stomach. "Just give it a little while to make certain she's not just sleeping so we don't waste the good doctor's time. All you have to do is relax and let her sleep for a little while. You know it's not good to stress, beautiful."
Santana whimpered, her hand glued to where she last felt the press of the baby's foot. "I'm so scared she's gonna die again." Santana whispered, not realizing that she assigned a sex to the unborn baby. She was living in the past and she didn't know how to get past it.
"They're not going to die," Rachel spoke firmly, with no trace of doubt, "because we are going to take care of them and in another couple months you are going to give birth to a beautiful child who is going to be perfect, Santana. I assure you, our little one is just sleeping and if you give her a little while she will move again. There is no one who wants her to be safe more than me after you, beautiful." She stroked her fingers through Santana's hair, trying to calm her down. "Just relax, love. I'm here. I promise I won't let anything happen."
"I...I can't do this again." Santana was almost hyperventilating, her body breaking out in panicked breaths as she looked at her girlfriend. "Please, make her wake up. Please I need to feel her move!"
Rachel didn't know how to help Santana, but she did know how Jesse had calmed her when she'd panicked while carrying Kayla. She took a breath and licked her lips, "I know something that may help you, sweetheart, but you have to relax and let me take care of you and our little one." She let her fingers brush over the mound of Santana's belly before gently helping her out of her shirt, "This always both calmed me down and woke my little one up while I was pregnant but you have to relax, beautiful."
Santana was desperate, anything, she would do anything at that point to feel the annoying rolling around and kicking of her child. "Please." She whispered, her eyes damp with tears. She pulled her shirt off her head, not bothering to have put on a bra that day because her breasts had swelled so much that none of them fit. "Please just help."
Rachel nodded, leaning down to gently press kisses across the swell of their baby in her lover's stomach. "Just relax and let me take care of you. If she's not awake after this, we'll go to Dr Winters immediately. I promise you." She kissed Santana's swollen breasts, sucking softly on sensitive nipples as her hands gently caressed and stroked her belly. "I love you and this baby so, so much, Santana. I would never let anything happen to either of you."
The mother to be whimpered slightly, still trying to calm her tears as she raised a shaky hand up to her lover's shoulders. She needed the connection, her body was so tense and scared that she couldn't distinguish reality from the past and Rachel's lips on her skin started bringing her back to the ground.
The smaller woman kept her touch gentle, relaxing, even as she worked Santana up to arousal. She slid her hand carefully over the swell of her stomach and down under the waistband of her panties. Gently, she slipped between Santana's folds and slowly began to stroke light circles over her clit. "Relax, Santana, I have you. This always worked for me, I promise. It'll work for you too. I love you, sweetheart."
Santana was uncomfortable, she rolled onto her side a bit more so she could give Rachel better access. The entire time her hand stayed locked to her stomach where the baby last kicked. She looked up and watched Rachel, she was trying so hard to feel interested in what was going on and try to come back from her panic, but it wasn't working yet. She whimpered and reached for Rachel's other hand so she could try to focus on anything else.
It wasn't about sex. It was about the connection and Rachel was willing to take however long it took, do whatever Santana needed, to give that to her. She tangled her fingers with Santana's and squeezed. "It's okay, Santana," she whispered against her stomach, remembering how long it had taken her to calm down when she was panicking and Jesse was the one slowly loving her to try and calm her down. "I promise they're just sleeping." She kissed over the protruding belly button, "That they're just tired from all the swimming they've been doing in there."
"Alejandra just stopped..." She gasped out in a upset breath. "She just stopped, Rachel... she just stopped and they wouldn't... I... they took her out... she was so little, Rachel!" Santana sobbed into her pillow. She had never dealt with her daughter's death, not like she should have. After everything, after all the trauma and pain with Tobias, she never faced it. She was now faced with a situation that felt so familiar to her, that felt so real because she had felt like she lived it before.
Rachel pulled her hands from Santana's body, wiping her damp fingers off on her shirt - making a mental note to change before the children arrived home - and reached up to cup her cheeks and make her meet her eyes. "Santana, listen to me." She spoke clearly and calmly, "This is not the same. This is you and me. Tobias is not a part of this. What happened with Alejandra was terribly sad and I wish nothing more than that I could take that pain from you, that I could have at least been there for you. But this is our baby. Our little one. And you are going to be an amazing mother."
She kissed her softly, "You already are. You're doing everything right, love. Everything. No one is going to poison our child. No one is going to hurt them. And that is the only reason little Alejandra isn't with us now. Because that horrible man hurt you until she couldn't take any more. You did everything to protect her. I swear to you, I won't let that happen to our little one." She pressed another kiss to her lover's lips, her own cheeks dampening with tears as she pulled back. "I swear to you, Santana. I would die before I allowed anything to happen to any of our children."
Santana listened and nodded. She clutched onto Rachel as she tried to shake the image of holding her deceased daughter in her arms. She sobbed into Rachel's neck, holding her close and griping her tightly, scared that she might disappear if she let go. Her body wore out after a long period of crying, her mind and soul exhausted. She finally calmed down enough to speak and breathe normally. "Please make it not hurt anymore?"
Rachel nodded and kissed away the tears from her lover's face. "Just let me take care of you," she whispered, gently tracing the lines of Santana's body with just the tips of her fingers. She stroked and caressed, easing her finger over every inch of her lover's body in a gentle, soothing massage. "It'll be okay. They'll wake up and you'll be frustrated and unable to get comfortable all over again. Now, I'm going to touch you in all the ways you like. It'll boost your heart rate and get more blood flowing as well as release endorphins to make you feel better, and all of that combined with," she smiled up at Santana, "the uterine contractions of your orgasm will wake our little one up and make them start beating you up from the inside again."
"Okay." Santana whimpered, her head still confused but she was willing to try anything to get the child inside her to move again. She reached up and kissed Rachel softly, her lips not really moving against her lovers but she wanted to try and she wanted her lover's touch.
"Please." She whispered, "I love you. Please help me wake them up. Please make all the pain and hurt go away."
Rachel wanted to cry at the hurt in Santana's voice, but she pushed it down and focused on making slow love to her partner. She cupped her breasts, squeezing gently at the tender mounds, brushing over the tips with her thumbs. "I will. I'll do anything for you and our little one, Santana. Anything at all."
Santana sighed, her body starting to react this time now that she had calmed down a bit. She watched carefully as Rachel teased breasts that had gone up a cup size with the newly developing milk ducts. She watched as her girlfriend carefully stroked her stomach and whispered words of love.
Tobias never touched her like this. He never caressed her skin or told her he loved her. Even when she remembered being with him, he was never considerate. Rachel loved her, Rachel trusted her to carry their child...
Almost as if she heard the thoughts running through her lover's head, Rachel looked up from where she'd been pressing kisses to the tight skin over Santana's belly and smiled at her, delicately tracing patterns on the smooth skin. "I love you, Santana. And in few months, we're going to hardly sleep because this little one is going to be keeping us running all the time taking care of them. And that's how it's supposed to be."
She slid her hand carefully into Santana's underwear again, cupping her, but not pressing between her folds. "I want to touch you, but I don't want to do anything you don't want me to."
"Please," Santana reached for Rachel, "stay up here." She whimpered needing reassurance through kisses and the woman's love. "Please just kiss me?"
Rachel smiled softly, brushing her lips against Santana's as she just let her hand rest against her lover's core, cupping gently. "Always, Santana." She kissed her again, "Forever." Another kiss, "I'll kiss you every moment of every day if you ask me to." Again their lips brushed, "I don't care who sees or what they may say so long as I'm allowed to kiss you with all the love I possess in my heart for you." And she finally allowed their lips to connect for longer than a brush, deepening the kiss slowly, trying to show Santana through the soft movement just how much she was loved.
Santana whimpered and moved her lips to press against Rachel's for a long moment. She kissed her back, keeping the connection as she let her eyes fall closed. "I love you." She whispered and rested her head in Rachel's neck as she felt her lover's fingers start gently stroking her.
"I love you too," Rachel whispered into her ear, finally allowing her fingers to slip between Santana's soft folds and gently caress her clit, "You and our children are my entire world, Santana. I will do whatever it takes, up to and including breaking my vow of non-violence to keep you safe. No one will harm you or them while I draw breath," her voice was fierce for a moment, "because it kills me to see any of you scared or hurt. Rest, love, let me show you my love for you as I wake up our little one to reassure you. It'll be okay. I promise you."
She nodded and let her eyes close as Rachel's hands and lips moved over Santana's body. She whimpered at the feelings that started taking over her body when Rachel touched her.
"I'll be beside you for the rest of your life, Santana Lopez," Rachel whispered against her pulse, "No one and nothing can take me from you." She cupped a breast in her free hand, gently stroking a thumb around her aureole, "I love you and our family loves you. You're safe. Our baby is safe." She slid down enough to press a kiss to the swell of her stomach before moving back up to return her lips to the tanned column of her lover's neck. "And nothing will happen to them."
She stroked carefully over Santana's clit, occasionally dipping down to moisten her fingers in the arousal seeping from her entrance. She took her time, slowly building the feelings in her lover until her fingers were drenched in wetness sliding over the stiff gland.
Santana arched, her breath quickening as she let the feelings of Rachel touching her flow through her body. She brought one of her hands up and let it glide over her breast, her palm resting flat against her nipple before gently squeezing it. She grasped when she felt one of Rachel's fingers slide into her core.
"R-rach." She moaned as she pressed her hips down into Rachel's hand.
"I'm right here, love. Always," she whispered, slowly stroking in and out of her lover's body. "I love you so much." She carefully added a second finger, but didn't stop the careful and deliberate pace she'd set, curling her fingers to just brush against Santana's g-spot with each stroke, her thumb gently tracing circles around her lover's clit as she did.
The darker woman's jaw dropped open with a silent gasp, her body arching to seek out her lover's. She looked up into Rachel's eyes and moaned softly as she writhed under her touch. "C-close." Santana whispered, her breath coming out in shallow pants as she got closer and closer to the edge.
Rachel caught her lips in a softly passionate kiss, gently stroking her tongue over her lower lip. "Come for me, beautiful, wake our child..." She stilled her pumping, choosing to focus her attention on the clit and g-spot, carefully but firmly rubbing against each as her lips moved against her lover's.
After a few more moments, Santana arched up and shuddered silently. She whimpered and clenched around Rachel's fingers and she get out a soft gasp. "Rachel!" she called softly as she arched off the bed. She breathed through her high, her body twitched with exhaustion and relief as she came down.
Rachel carefully stroked through her climax, pulling out as Santana came down, wiping her hand on her clothing and wrapping her arms around her lover. "Now," she kissed the side if Santana's head, "let's just stay still for a moment and wait for our little one to let you know they're okay."
Santana looked smaller than her size as she curled up into Rachel, her stomach pressing into Rachel's stomach as she rested her head on Rachel's chest. She listened to her girlfriend's heart, trying to listen to the words said earlier. She wanted to believe that their child was okay, but she was too traumatized to believe anything but the worst.
It took long enough that even Rachel was feeling a little anxious, but eventually there was a smack against her stomach from Santana's belly. She laughed delightedly, running her hand over her lover's bare belly, encouraging the little one to tap against the walls holding them again and again. "See, beautiful? I told you they'd be okay."
She pressed a kiss to Santana's hair with a relieved smile. "Tomorrow, we'll go in and see Dr Winters and get a full workup and make absolutely certain they're okay. Does that sound good?"
Santana's hand quickly moved to her stomach when she felt a kick and she sighed relieved that she could feel the light pressure. "I still want to. I need to make sure... I'm sorry. I'm so scared that she will be gone again." Santana whispered, her hands tangling with Rachel's as the baby moved around in the woman's stomach.
"It's okay to be scared, Santana. I was with all of mine and I never faced what you did." Rachel gently stroked her hair, "You have nothing to be sorry for. It's my job as your partner, your lover, and the other mother of your child to reassure you when you're scared and take away that fear." She kissed her head softly, "Okay?"
"Okay." Santana whispered, "I.. I just keep picturing Alejandra..." She heard her voice crack as she spoke. "I... I felt her kick a couple times, I had laid down to sleep and I was talking to her while I was still alone, playing some kick ass Lauren hill to her and reading the baby book..." She took a breath as she continued the story. "I read that she should be more active, that I should feel her kick and move around." she squeezed Rachel's hand and closed her eyes.
"So, when Tobias came to bed I asked him to touch my stomach and try to make his daughter move." She swallowed, "He... he wouldn't. He said that she wasn't really a baby until she was out and that he didn't want to talk to my stomach. So I stayed up... all night and tried to feel her... I tried to will her to move and I couldn't. I waited... I waited two day's Rachel." She looked down, ashamed that she didn't go get herself checked out when she knew something was wrong. "I waited until I started feeling sick, till I got a really bad fever and I passed out and had to taken to the hospital. When I got there... They did an ultra sound and the nurses looked sad, they looked at me with such sadness and they asked me where my husband was." She looked up Rachel, "I couldn't find him and they told me they had to take the baby out... I just keep sitting here, knowing what the baby looks like at 6 months. I've held a child at 6 months, she wasn't warm. Not like Alex was when he was born. She looked like a doll and I couldn't believe she was gone. Tobias never came until the next day, when they had taken the baby and sent her to get cremated. He never asked me if I was okay. He never once asked if I needed help or someone to talk to... I just thought I shouldn't deal with it. But... She was my daughter and I lost her."
Rachel just listened quietly, softly stroking Santana's hair as she worked her way through the heartbreaking story. She couldn't help the tears trickling down her face as she pressed her lips to the top of her lover's head. "Tobias was a horrible, horrible person, Santana. A monster to you and the little one he murdered. I am so sorry, so so sorry you had to experience that, love. I would do anything if I could just go back and keep that from happening to you. You were young and you didn't know what was happening. It's not your fault, Santana. It's not. I promise."
She held Santana closely to her, pressing her cheek against her hair, "We're going to do everything to make sure you don't go through that again. But it's okay to grieve, sweetheart. It's okay to cry because you lost your little girl. I'm right here and I promise I won't go anywhere. If you need to, we'll find someone to help you through this, but I promise that I may not be a professional, but I will always be here to hold you and listen..."
"I know.." Santana whispered, her body curling even more into Rachel's. They stayed like that for awhile before Santana started to shiver. "I should get dressed before the kids get home..." she sat up, needing some time alone to think, "I'm going to take a bath, I'll be out soon, okay?"
Rachel smiled at her, biting her lip and looking at her with a mixture of sadness and love as she let her hand trail down over her back as she stood. "Alright, Santana, but please let me know if you need me at any time. I'm going to make an appointment for us to see Dr Winters tomorrow to check on our little one, but I won't be far, I promise."
She got up with some effort and slowly walked into the bathroom and started drawing a bath. She laid in the water, her hand stroking her stomach as she did so. "I love you, I love you so much... Just stop scaring me okay?" she whispered.
Chapter Ten