(Untitled)

Jul 06, 2009 22:02

A brief bit of writing I did based on an idea I got at work.

Critique at will.( Read more... )

writing, fiction

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Comments 4

earlgreyhot July 8 2009, 07:12:43 UTC
MORE PLZ

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thejim July 10 2009, 21:28:52 UTC
MAYBE

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zandrellia July 10 2009, 16:15:21 UTC
Well.. it is interesting, to say the least.

A few holes I noticed at first glance:

1) The nurses eyes changed color spontaneously. Are her eyes a bright brown color or are they green?

2) "She asked that I spend the night with her and I ." He ... what? Clearly context implies he complied with her desires and slept with her but still... best to finish what you're trying to say or not say it at all.

Still.. overall... interesting. Quasi-Blade Runner and somewhat reminiscent of a collective work that I have come to adore by Timothy Zahn. (Distant Friends and Others... interesting read. You might want to pick it up or some of his other works like Spinneret.)

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thejim July 10 2009, 21:28:46 UTC
1) The nurse did have green eyes, but he was expecting the bright brown that was standard for NZTech hospice nurses. Should have made that clearer.

2) That's going to be edited to include the word 'obliged,' which it really should have had in the first place.

Insofar as the inspiration, I've been reading a whole lot of Sterling/Doctorow/Dick/Gibson cyberpunk and post-cyberpunk as of late and live behind two churches and a funeral home. I was toying with the idea of paid mourners and the Ultra-Corporatism of Gibson's cyberpunk was in my head and, well, that was that.

Thanks for the Tim Zahn recommendation; I'll have to look for it ^_^

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