I've tried to wash you out of my hair.  I've diluted your memory with drink, with drug, with physical exertion, sleep.  With new visages, new friends, new men, new orgasms.  Yet, once I'm still, my thoughts always return to you ( Read more... )

It is a task to constantly hold you in the forefront of my mind, when I haven't met you.  Because you are a figment of my imagination.  I haven't even had the opportunity to lay my eyes on yours-- and yet the feelings I'm feeling easily overpower my rationlity.  You are a puzzle, I decided to put together, not realizing that there are no edges, no ( Read more... )

There are several feelings caroming about the chambers of my heart at the moment. I am slightly more alone than I have been since moving to California. My Grandparents were out here for two weeks & I hardly had a chance to hang with them: Christmas Eve & Day, New Years Eve & some day-- games nights with them when Mariko was here-- & then there is ( Read more... )

It is strange, to be reaching out to you again, my dearest friend, after so long. It should not be, as we were once as brothers, and it should not require my lonesomeness and solemnity to lay down my lance. The difficulty is in my heart. I haven't spoken to you in so many ages. Because I failed you. Because you failed me. Because words failed ( Read more... )

This is all immaterial. Nothing matters now. Except me.

To be truthful, I am torn between intimating that you have crossed my thoughts with frequency these last few days.  While your ministrations were welcome, I am confused at my ambivalence.  Am I apathetic because I am broken?  Does my willingness spring from vulnerablitiy?  I am apt to reason this out.  But with thought, not with action.  I don't ( Read more... )

I am a twenty-seven year old man.

Officially.

I tried to reply to you today. But found your comments have been deleted. I don't know if you did that immediately after you commented, don't know if you did it because I didn't respond in some unspoken amount of allotted time-- don't know if you still want to hear what I have to say. Nevertheless, I tried to comment in your journal, but ( Read more... )

it's as if the very cusp of being overwhelmed and heart hardened is an appendage of my very own. I can't kick it, can't cut it off, can't shut it out or tie it up. It is there every time I turn around, behind me again and again. It lurks around corners, even ever so carefully I tread, backwards even and especially-- it is there around the bend ( Read more... )

I am stale, mate. Hard pressed to do what I must for the here and now to become the there and then. I feel without internalizing, like snapshots with soft focus, fuzzed to blur the lines. Fuzzy to blur the minds. Rather try discerning an object dropped into a bucket of water, merely by touching it and feeling the ripples lap ever so slightly at ( Read more... )