Things Mr. Welch can no longer do in an RPG 501-1000
To keep the list a bit more readable, split it in half. Here's 501-1000
501. Even if playing a game allowing animal characters, Tai Chihuahua is not a good concept.
502. If my name isn't Grimlock, can't start every sentence with "Me Grimlock"
503. Dwarves do not get Beard Cancer.
504. If the party is to frequently meet with Queen Victoria, I cannot play a Texan.
505. My warrior cleric will not pick his deity solely on the god's BAB.
506. Mjy Vjikjing Skjald wjill njot tjake ljibjertjies wjith thje rjunjic ajlphjabjet.
507. My character cannot give another character the alcoholic disadvantage during play.
508. I will not tell the noobie to roll his THACO.
509. I will not base my superpowers off of Christ. Even if my character is nothing like him.
510. After a bloody battle, I will not celebrate by lying down and making carnage angels.
511. When GM demands to know what my character is doing, it better not be "The Charleston"
512. The nationality of my favorite soccer team does not add to my Brawl Skill.
513. Trying to rip the face off the villain will not get the Scooby-Doo ending.
514. No giving my Roman gladiator the short disadvantage and naming him Minimus.
515. I am not the Lord of Rodly Might.
516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock.
517. I cannot make called shots to their self esteem.
518. Affirmative Action does not require me to play a drow.
519. Dual wielding party members is also frowned upon.
520. Under no circumstances is my medical droid allowed a groin mounted rectal thermometer.
521. I will not convince the entire party to play Amish for the cyberpunk campaign.
522. Not allowed to parry at the wrist.
523. When I'm rescued the correct response is 'thank you' not 'took your freaking time!'
524. I will not ask my gun for advice.
525. Running a non-stop Rocky Horror fest for staked vampires is outside the budget for most Samedi.
526. If an NPC is known as the "One" I cannot volunteer to be the "Two".
527. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot spend $64,000 to get the vorpal option for a forklift.
528. I cannot buy every single advantage during character creation.
529. My character is not from Duncan, Idaho.
530. I cannot earn bonus XP for 'catching air' with an MBT. So stop trying.
531. No making up gnomish subraces.
532. Despite being a staple of comic books everywhere, I cannot teleport objects in front of naked people.
533. I cannot increase my comeliness by growing a pornstache.
534. When I level up, I just can't copy the guy next to me's choices.
535. I cannot make a dungeon crawl easier by opening a rival dungeon and hiring away all his guards.
536. If a powergamer joins our crew, I will not billet him in the newly furnished auxiliary airlock.
537. The Cause Disease spell cannot inflict Nitrogen Narcosis.
538. Even if I spend the points, I cannot start married to any of the X-Men.
539. Defensive perimeter traps my character sets up are automatically party knowledge.
540. A full minute of stunned silence means "My God what did you do?" not "Please continue."
541. When prompted for a target by the guided missile "the naughty bits" is not a valid choice.
542. No, I do not have time to carve that mountain in the shape of anything.
543. There is more to buying rations than ramen, spam and beer.
544. I will not cast Gate to bind an infernal creature of power to my bidding and make him mow the lawn.
545. No going 100% tracer round on the HMG just because I like the pretty colors.
546. Dead party members, while effective, are not appropriate anti-grenade measures.
547. Perform skill does not apply to the following: Performance art, spoken word, or fan dances.
548. I cannot have a "What Would Ao Do?" bracelet.
549. It is not physically possible to cook off an accordion.
550. Dwarves can indeed tell the difference between their genders.
551. Cannot install Lojack on the Dragonkin.
552. If my character's drow wife finds I let my niece appear in a Gnomes Gone Wild Video, my death will not even warrant a saving throw.
553. No matter how well I make my disguise check, my gnome cannot convincingly pass for any member of Rush.
554. Even though armor gives him no benefit, my monk still has to wear something.
555. I will stop snickering every time the monk announces he's touching someone with his quivering palm.
556. Even though I'm the ranger, I can't stalk the elf babe.
557. If they get a bonus to spot my gun with a geiger counter, I can't have it.
558. There is not a 'Take your daughter to work day' for adventurers.
559. Even if the Ranger offers his sword, the elf his bow and the dwarf his axe, my gnome can't offer his accordion.
560. Can't hire a sentient black pudding to be the ship's janitor.
561. I can't play a deep gnome just to make the rest of the party have to pronounce Svirfneblin.
562. "Pass without trace" doesn't work on bad checks.
563. I can't make anyone Jewish with a called shot.
564. The Lutherans don't have an inquisition.
565. My vampire hunter can't have anything he saw on an infomercial at 3am on PBS.
566. When confronted with a haunted house with bleeding walls, no converting it into a self supporting blood bank.
567. I cannot consult my lawyer before making my wish.
568. My first wish cannot be "I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish'
569. All 3 of my wishes cannot involve Alpacas.
570. The DM does not want to know how my human fighter is triple wielding scimitars.
571. I will not secretly maze the wizard's familiar, druid's companion or paladin's mount just for a laugh.
572. Even if the rules say otherwise, I cannot carry 100lbs of styrofoam without encumbrance penalties.
573. Improved evasion does not work against Save vs. DM.
574. "Get dressed quickly in the dark" is not an advantage, bonus, benefit, feat, skill, perk or merit.
575. Even if I'm a near immortal demi-god with the power to create entire worlds with a thought, still bad to throw a party when Dad's away without permission.
576. I can't use my sneak attack opportunity to cop a feel.
577. No matter how stupid the PC's comment, it doesn't provide an attack of opportunity.
578. Rectomancy is not a school of magic.
579. "Pimp my Death Star" is not a real show, and I'd better believe Grand Moff Tarkin knows this.
580. A sledgehammer does not give any bonus to my search for secret doors roll.
581. No filling the paladin's stocking with coal on Christmas to make him wonder what he's got to atone for.
582. I can't thwart the Rebel Alliance's attack with the newly invented manhole cover.
583. Can't intimidate the evil wizard just by constantly summoning bigger versions of what he's just summoned.
584. On second thought, a minotaur architect is a really bad idea.
585. No using psychic powers before the adventure to figure out who to take life insurance out on.
586. Cannot spend extra money to get the optional "flay" setting for my pistol.
587. No taunting the 1st level magic user with "Mighty bold talk for a guy with only 4HP."
588. Paladins are immune to STDs, but if I take advantage of this ability, I lose it. Wonderful paradox, isn't it?
589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it's vetoed if that's the Richter scale.
590. I can't convince the rival party our Q-Ship is just named that because it's piloted by John DeLancie.
591. Defibrillators do not allow me the use of the Cleave feat.
592. No matter how well I roll, other PCs cannot be haggled into paying me to perform errands for me.
593. Tensor's Herniated Disc is not a real spell.
594. True to fluff or not, my berserker cannot take the beekeeping skill.
595. I cannot pick a race with a prehensile ANYTHING.
596. No dual wielding whips until I at least have proficiency with them.
597. The party does not need to know about the time I woke up duct taped to the back of a Drow Matron Mother.
598. Any adventure that ends up with my character being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be.
599. Cannot start the new adventure with me trying to run down who ever didn't show up for the last adventure.
600. Even if I'm a wizard, I still can't apply embarrassing tattoos to the NPC.
601. If we run out of cannonballs armadillos will not do in a pinch.
602. Find Familiar scrolls are not a substitute for the hunting skill.
603. I cannot have any gun mentioned in the Geneva Convention by name.
604. If my alignment forbids torture, that includes Gnomish Poetry Slams.
605. Even if this an adventuring party, I can't show up to the adventure drunk and wearing only a toga, lampshade and half elf stripper.
606. If my power is super growth, that includes my skin.
607. A N-Scale tuba player is not an appropriate miniature for my gnome bard.
608. The answer to 'who's got point?' is not the fireball.
609. No diety will let me use my nipples as holy symbols.
610. I cannot name my character Dwead Piwate Woberts.
611. No initiating social challenges based only on the color of the werewolf's shoes.
612. Every time a PC takes himself out through his own stupidity does not let me sing the Oompa-Loompa song.
613. I can't have a magic item I can't request with a straight face.
614. My superhero tank must be height/weight proportionate.
615. One close call with a mimic does not give me the right to attack every door I come across.
616. Even if they are the same cliched acid for blood aliens, can't load my shotgun with baking powder.
617. The forehead is not an appropriate place for a kill count holo-tattoo.
618. No matter how much my humanity loss, a chainsaw is not a substitute for a bayonet.
619. No matter what the dice say, I can't kill a 4th gen vampire with a pump action loaded with buck in a single round.
620. My Blessed does not have the hindrance Ailin': Stigmata.
621. No offering the old man and the farm kid a better rate to Alderaan.
622. Paladins make poor vikings. And vice versa.
623. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a Dire Gummi Bear.
624. When asked what my character is doing, it had better not be the vitakinetic.
625. I must remember before the next time I shave off the sleeping dwarf's beard and glue it to the sleeping elf, wars have been started that way.
626. Dwarves are not proper substitutes for pufferfish.
627. The GM decides if my character dies from a stroke, not me.
628. I can't use audible glamour to trick the cleric into building an ark.
629. Just because they are all into rock, metal and axes, dwarves are not all headbangers.
630. Replacing the solo's bullets with blanks so he comes in dead last in bodycount isn't funny.
631. Medicine cabinets are not the best place to stash spare squeeze tubes of explosive putty.
632. When asked to tutor someone on his defense trait, can't keep punching him until he get it.
633. When told to choose my weapon in a duel with the assassin, can't pick his weapon.
634. Cannot recreate any scene in 2001: Space Odyssey involving women's lingerie.
635. Arguments cannot end with the statement 'Alright, we'll settle this like penguins!'
636. Recon means tell them what I saw, not slaughter all the monsters without them.
637. German characters do not gets 4 racial bonus to intimidate French characters.
638. The DM is not impressed by me spoiling his well planned ambush by just casting Glassee on the door.
639. Before hiding with all the werewolves to ambush the Settite, make sure he didn't leave the LARP 4 hours ago.
640. Even if he loves me too, Chitti-Chitti-Bang-Bang is not an appropriate choice for the romance background.
641. Casual attire does not include shoulder holsters.
642. My character's grandma was not, is not and will never be a contract killer.
643. Even if the rules allow it, I can't gain 1,000,000 XP with one forged check.
644. No matter how much mousse I use, my hair will never have damage resistance.
645. My matter how high my faith skill, still can't take God as an ally.
646. If the game store owner goes into vapor lock, the adventure is over.
647. Any answer to a question involving the words 'wizard', 'station wagon' and 'wood paneling' is no.
648. Can't marry off another PC more than half a dozen times.
649. Zero bodycount does not mean just the ones they can find.
650. Gnolls don't fall for the fake ball trick more than once.
651. My alignment is not Sarcastic Good.
652. My fighter cannot take the flaw: Addiction- stabbing things.
653. Cannot wish for the party to have common sense. Even the wish spell has its limits.
654. If the party goes into my room and finds a Deva wearing only baby oil, oven mitts and spurs, they can start the module without me.
655. When asked my position in the party, it's not 'whatever's closest to Bangkok.'
656. A crayon is typically going to cause a penalty to my forgery skill.
657. Can't put a glass bottom on my tank to I can see the looks on their faces.
658. Changing sexes is restricted to male or female.
659. Quoting Ministry lyrics is not SOP for the Gladius Dei.
660. Walmart is not my one stop shopping place for hunting vampires.
661. The line on my character sheet for 'Sex' is not for keeping score.
662. My Paladin will stop referring to her detect evil power as Evildar.
663. Even if I just rolled 832d6 for damage, still can't get a bonus to my intimidate check.
664. Unlike real life, I don't gain the whirlwind attack to smack all my backtalking children.
665. My WW2 era mad scientist will pick a new target for his project other than Manhattan.
666. When offered a Dracheneisen item of my choice, can't pick Nunchucks.
667. No matter what the dice say, can't decapitate an Aberrant with a straight razor.
668. AT-ST soccer games are strictly against Imperial Army protocols.
669. Cannot name Boba Fett as a godparent to any of my children.
670. While I'm fixing the X-Wing, the brash pilot is still miffed about the Y-Wing loaner.
671. House Kurita Mechwarriors do not appreciate posters of Godzilla taped over their optical sensors.
672. Teleport Without Pants is not a real spell.
673. It's not necessary to install a portcullis in every single room of my castle.
674. When deciding what to do with the ancient alien artifacts we discovered, EBAY is not an option.
675. Even if the rules allow it, I can't take the identical twin advantage 22 times.
676. My character's primary purpose in the party is not to just leech 1/6 of all the XP.
677. Elves do not have the racial trait: No Gag Reflex.
678. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a recreation of the Apollo landing.
679. I do not have time in the Black Ops for break dancing, Greco-Roman Wrestling or phone sex.
680. My axe doesn't go off accidentally when I'm cleaning it.
681. Even if he is a total blast, can't channel Baron Samedi at a Coming Out Ball.
682. Can't make a called shot with a flamethrower.
683. After finishing the cliched "New boss is villain" adventure, can't file for unemployment.
684. My mummy can't take out multiple life insurance policies on himself and name himself the prime beneficiary.
685. The game of chicken does not involve the polymorph spell.
686. My vampire hunter does not take the "un" out of "undead"
687. I cannot backstab anybody with a Buick Skylark.
688. Even if the rules allow it, my Paladin cannot have the flaw: Hatred- All living things.
689. The combat feats I can use with a battering ram are extremely restricted.
690. Mordenkainen's Dysfunctional Family is not a real spell.
691. No matter what the kids say, animated balloon animals is a poor use of the Create Golem feat.
692. The Dr. Jones School of Swordfighting is not an appropriate Swordsman's School.
693. There is no conspiracy to write out the gnome's contribution to the Fellowship of the Ring.
694. Search the old castle means enter it, not level it with artillery and dig through the rubble.
695. Buying the Elf Babe a trampoline and telling her it boosts her Dexterity isn't fooling anybody.
696. Any plan involving strapping puppies to my armor is vetoed.
697. No "accidentally" crosswiring the X-Wing's fire control and ejection seat switches.
698. During the Black Ops no accessing the target's HR files and getting babes' phone numbers.
699. Fed Ex does not deliver to the Keep on the Borderlands.
700. Not allowed to use basic economics to crash the evil empire's economy by spending all my swag there at once.
701. Cannot take the moniker "the Hyperpolysyllabicsesquipedalinist"
702. The Banana of Disarming is not a real magic item.
703. Cannot sharpen Ioun stones for increased headbutt damage.
704. No using my hideously low Charisma to get the villain to do the opposite of what I suggest.
705. Need to stop using my reality altering ability to make every day Mardi Gras.
706. Cannot base my barbarian after Wink Martindale.
707. A throat punch does not give a bonus in a contested philosophy check.
708. My paladin mini is vetoed if it's obviously Private Drake from Aliens.
709. Any plan is vetoed if it was obviously inspired by Boromir.
710. My info gathering mission must include info that wasn't obviously obtained in a brothel.
711. If almost all the words in my character's background start with the same letter, he's vetoed.
712. When told to leave a trail for the rest of the party to follow, they didn't mean with cigarette butts.
713. Even if the rules allow it, can't sink a battleship with a stapler.
714. I do not get a bulk discount on ninjas.
715. Even if the rules allow it, I can't invent the strip joint.
716. I cannot play a race the GM can't pronounce.
717. I cannot start the game in post-apocalyptic Poland driving a Porsche.
718. Warnings given retroactively in battle aren't appreciated.
719. A fluffy tail does not add to my comliness if I'm already 1' tall, furry and a squirrel.
720. Don't have to include the line "And then stab them a lot" in the plan; it's already assumed.
721. Even if my super power is invisibility, still have to provide a model for my character.
722. Can't intentionally fail all my secret door checks so I don't have to play Tomb of Horrors again.
723. If my character is related to a god, it can't be as a parent.
724. The time machine is not for finishing my set of Disciple autographs.
725. No, there is not a Mr. Of Arc. No, I still can't hit on her.
726. My black ops experience does not include panty raids and beer runs.
727. Cannot singlehandedly make Starfleet Academy the #1 party school in the Alpha Quadrant.
728. Not legal to retroactively challenge anyone I just shot to a duel.
729. Cannot take the flaw Obsession: Elf Chick's lingerie.
730. No part of the plan includes: You give me the idol, I give you the whip.
731. No matter how many called shots to the neck I make, I'm still not going to cause a cool pyrotechnics display.
732. Not allowed to trade in my X-Wing for a Gunstar.
733. Cannot make a plan that hinges on the villain first being allergic to peanuts.
734. My character's background cannot be a wikipedia biography with "Falco" crossed off and my character's name written in.
735. Adding hydrolics to my R2 unit does not give him an intimidate bonus.
736. No taking the party to Kara-Tur just because my character has a thing for Asian chicks.
737. Will not color code everything on the ship just to piss off the Vargyr.
738. Though highly educational, no more slipping the anti-paladin sodium pentathal.
739. Can't make the blacks ops super easy by sending a couple of strippers to the guardroom first.
740. Not allowed to give my character a name from a bushman click language.
741. Not possible to tap a keg for mana.
742. Apparently Chaotic Angry and Neutral Hungry aren't real alignments either.
743. Even if the rules allow it, can't takes out an MBT with a shotgun loaded with slug.
744. My second wish can't be for a new, more open minded genie to grant my remaining wishes.
745. Can't wish I was the GM.
746. No making up holidays for my cleric.
747. Can't just walk the obstacle course, even though I beat everybody who tried to run it.
748. Holding a pillow over a sleeping person's face is not a gnomish expression of affection.
749. There is not a Spent Clip Fairy.
750. A bag of holding is a bad place to stash bear traps, badgers or crushed glass.
751. If the party has to pose as classical German composers, I will not declare "I'll be Bach"
752. Cannot take the spetum as my favorite weapon just because it sounds dirty.
753. No encouraging swedish accents.
754. Even if the rules give no maximum encumbrance, still can't pick up the bank and walk away with it.
755. There is a reason no game has pasties in it's starting equipment list.
756. The Power Armor skill does not have a cascade skill dance.
757. I will not build a character with a skill from every single expansion book.
758. Not allowed to take a toad for a familiar just for it's pharmaceutical properties.
759. Restricted to one blue chip for humor per game.
760. Can't use the time machine to rename famous historical discoveries after myself.
761. Not allowed to forge the 1.1 ring.
762. Fighter can't put points in Perform just so he can hammer dance after each fatal critical hit.
763. No slipping the juicer Ritalin.
764. In the middle of a chase in a commandeered car can't spend an action to change the radio presets.
765. Can't parry with a called shot to the face.
766. No more Crazy Ivans while I'm driving the AT-AT.
767. When challenged to a high noon shoot-out, that means in the time zone I'm currently in.
768. Burning my bard song on CD and putting it on repeat does not mean the effect never ends.
769. Before turning undead, make sure the assassin didn't take the vampire template.
770. My mythos investigator doesn't talk in his sleep.
771. Mashed potatoes do not add to my damage resistance.
772. Not allowed to base a paladin off Lee Marvin.
773. My great axe priviledges can be taken away.
774. If I've leveled up 5 times to the Dragonkin's 0, that doesn't mean I'm lapping him.
775. My investigator's motto is not "99% Mythos Lore, 1% Sanity- don't push me"
776. Even if it was obviously in self defense, my character is not allowed to kill George Takei.
777. Tai Kwan Doberman is not a real martial art.
778. It is not possible to bioengineer a kosher pig.
779. Even if we are in Ravenloft, Paladin can't go up ten levels in one night.
780. When told I have to join the RPGA to play in a game, can't sign the membership card "D. Duck."
781. My tribe's trial by combat ritual is not best described as "Calvinball with axes"
782. My paladin's job is not to enforce happiness.
783. The following are also not acceptable Ironclaw characters: Mortal Wombat, Dalai Llama, Boom Orangutan.
784. Monks do not make 3 Stooges sounds in combat.
785. Even if the rules allow it, can't shoot 20 guys in one round with a musket.
786. No I cannot keep the drow priestess we just found as a pet.
787. "Start a career in modeling" is not an appropriate use of the Suggestion spell.
788. "You take the scary one" is not our default battle strategy.
789. Even if it's for his own safety, can't secretly remove the firing pins from the powergamer's guns.
790. If I have access to warm water, I don't take watch unsupervised.
791. Not allowed to give any birthday gift to a child that immediately earns me a dark side point.
792. Despite the movie's claims, Wookies get no racial bonus for chess.
793. When building a superhero, can't spend half his points on radar sense and the other half on cooking.
794. Pregen characters do not have cutesy nicknames, even if their real names are pretty lame.
795. Improved Evasion is not solid proof "Duck and Cover" works.
796. In the middle of the black ops can't lock a bunch of long haired molting cats into the CEO's office.
797. If in the middle of our dressing down our CO strokes out, we took the joke too far.
798. Not allowed to use guppies as buckshot.
799. Can't hunt drow with a spotlight and 30.06.
800. The default response to a social challenge in any game is not to just shoot them.
801. We do not settle disputes in Paper-Rock-Scissors with games of Vampire.
802. Fake eye spots on my helmets do not help intimidate the monster.
803. If my personal carried firepower exceeds that of the Battleship Texas, there's a problem.
804. I cannot take the Dementia: Obsession counting things if I'm not a Malkavian.
805. On second thought, I can't take it even if I am a Malkavian.
806. My character cannot have a noticeable impact, positive or negative, on a town's population.
807. Large dice are for rolling. Not sound effects.
808. Covering fire does not include nuclear weapons.
809. I don't earn the bonus XP for a written background if it's just a summary of the plot to Dig-Dug.
810. While the party is off searching for secret doors, can't position the slain orcs in compromising positions.
811. In the middle of a black ops can't reprogram the cleaning droids to wax the floors for 12 hours straight.
812. I don't have to take a lower level bard adventuring as my opening act.
813. Taking the orc warlord's skull as a trophy is acceptable. Not as a hand puppet.
814. Sending the villain a nymph stripper only works once.
815. Somebody doesn't "accidentally" fall on two dozen shanks.
816. The adventure wrap up is the epilogue. Not Miller Time.
817. Cannot challenge anyone to a dance off. To the death.
818. Augment their psi means their mental powers, not their air pressure.
819. Taking each class as I level in alphabetical order is forbidden.
820. Even if the rules allow it, my Paladin can't serve the god of obituaries.
821. My sorcerer will not take a level in druid just to make it easier to get to the flammable stuff.
822. If everybody in the room is in black leather, we're in the thieves' guild. Not a fetish club.
823. Even if infinitely useful, absolute power over elastics is not an appropriate super power.
824. The back up trap handler is not the guy with the lowest INT.
825. I cannot have Bracers of Brachiation until I tell the DM what brachiation really means.
826. Elves do not respond to chainsaws the same ways dogs react to vacuum cleaners.
827. My battlemech does not play Dixie every time I hit the jump jets.
828. Even if the mages critically fumbles his stealth check, can't threaten to bleed him slow.
829. Despite the song's claim, a pelvic thrust does not cause Sanity loss.
830. Even if we are in Sweden, I can't use one blanket seduction check on the entire crowd.
831. I didn't 'accidentally' forget to buy any skills.
832. I will not run up my bar tab and then skip out leaving the DM's super NPC to foot the bill.
833. Overrunning a larger army is not a glorious victory if it happened at 3AM and they were still in bed.
834. I will stop reminding Elminster he's not as cool as Merlin, Gandalf or that shapechanging wizard from Krull.
835. I cannot lure out the Psycho Killer into an ambush by having sex with another character.
836. No paraphrasing the party leader's elaborate plan as 'pick somebody you don't like and let them know it.'
837. Even if the rules allow it, I can't take the 1st Armored Division as an ally.
838. Doesn't matter how high my influence is; I still can't make Carmen Miranda hats part of the unit's dress code.
839. In the middle of a black ops no inserting a memo into the target's computer mandating 'clothing optional Mondays'.
840. Even if it would have immediately solved the last six adventures, I won't throw dynamite in every well I come across.
841. No more tricking rookies into putting whoopie cushions on Lord Vader's throne.
842. When handed Dieties and Demigods and told to pick a god for my druid, I will skip right by the Cthulhu Mythos.
843. It doesn't matter how high his hit points or damage reduction are, we aren't sending the dwarf into battle via catapult.
844. As a matter of fact, Jeopardy does screen for telepaths.
845. It's not a good idea to taunt Greek heroes with "Who's your daddy?"
846. Doesn't matter if it's an anime style game, I don't get a bonus to hit with eyepokes.
847. Polymorph Mother-in-Law is not a real spell.
848. The Caern is not "Disneyworld as if run by coyotes"
849. The FBI tends to notice when people buy several miles of hamster tubing at once.
850. Doesn't matter how practical, we aren't reanimating the dead dragon and having him haul that horde back for us.
851. When plumbing the depths of depravity, I must remember to come up for air.
852. Any superhero offensive to more than two major religions is vetoed.
853. Even if I'm faced with yet another Get of Fenris Lupus Ahroun, I will not refer to him as CliChe Guevara.
854. We will not take the dead dryad with us to use as kindling.
855. I will not keep reincarnating that bugbear until he comes back as something we can actually eat.
856. A funeral is not a proper place for setting new fashion trends.
857. I will not disbelieve the magic mouth before he gives out the important plot information.
858. Even if it is hours of entertainment, can't feed the Red Talon peanut butter.
859. I will concede we're on a dungeon crawl and stop trying to talk to the monsters.
860. Under religion I cannot put Born Again Klingon.
861. I will not use undocumented zombie workers to help build my castle.
862. Bigby's Offensive Finger is not a real spell.
863. Even if there is no alignment in Traveller, giving feuding TL1 tribes TL12 weapons and putting the results on PPV is just wrong.
864. My doctor's bag will contain more than just a bonesaw and a bottle of whiskey.
865. I do not put the cad in decadent, nor the rave in depraved.
866. Even if it's catchy, I don't have to yell my battlecry everytime I roll to attack.
867. We can't all play bards just to relive our favorite Spinal Tap moments.
868. I cannot have a gun with an area of affect larger than it's range.
869. Richard Simmons is not an appropriate role model for a Get of Fenris.
870. I will not use my vast personal knowledge of Dublin, Texas to get an unfair advantage in the campaign.
871. My halfling cannot take the flaw Obsession: Ring of Invisibility.
872. Any gun that sets off the metal detector before I even pass through it is vetoed.
873. I will not combine Thermographic Sights and a gun that can shoot through walls. It makes Black Ops too easy.
874. After cleaning out Ravenloft, when it's my turn to pick treasure, can't call dibs on the castle.
875. If my superhero has a healing factor, claws, combat sense and longevity, he can't take the flaw Total Pacifist.
876. If I want to play a rampaging nordic warrior and get handed a treehugging elf hippie instead, I can't play her like a rampaging nordic warrior.
877. Even if I am playing a chick, I can't spend all my starting cash on shoes.
878. Rifts in the time/space continuum are not for my personal amusement.
879. Buying a bigger gun does not restore sanity.
880. Searching the dead PC for spell components is ok. Using him for spell components is not.
881. Any character that can run the 2 minute mile is vetoed.
882. I will not convince the party to name all the characters the same thing.
883. I do not need to see proof of insurance before making a medtech roll.
884. Customs doesn't care what my charisma bonus is.
885. Halflings do not store food in their cheeks for winter.
886. Elves are not deciduous.
887. Despite evidence to the contrary, half-elves do not automatically go both ways.
888. Breast enhancing spells gain no benefits from meta-magic feats.
889. I will not try to regain sanity by nailing the reporter chick in public.
890. Dwarves do not get Roto-Rooters as racial weapons.
891. I will not brag too loudly I'm the real reason behind the sinking of the Titanic.
892. Cultists tend to notice if you've replaced their summoning ritual with Jitterbug instructions.
893. Invisibility is all or nothing, can't just target their clothes.
894. I can't just keeping buy rounds of drinks until everybody passes out so I can rob them.
895. I will not miss the final epic battle just because I crit my seduction check.
896. Polish is not a sub-dialect of gnomish.
897. Any action causing the powergamer to storm off while actually appreciated is frowned upon.
898. Healing people of other faiths gets a penalty in Deadlands. Not Serenity.
899. I will not have the architect build my castle using a hexadecimal base to screw with the powergamer.
900. I will not fill the bag of holding with dirt so we can just fill in pit traps as we detect them.
901. In the middle of the Black Ops a diversion is not blowing off the top twenty floors of the building.
902. Can't set the bad guy on fire until after I've blown the persuasion roll.
903. If I fail to make a bluff check, can't shoot him to change it to an intimidate check.
904. Not possible to fire a gun with your teeth.
905. Humming the James Bond theme in the middle of a Black Ops doesn't give me any bonuses.
906. They make platemail in a variety of styles. Crotchless is not one of them.
907. Can't use my attack bonus as a substitute for the skill: Hibachi Chef.
908. I can't take Telekinesis as an auxilary mode just to get free food from the snack machine.
909. Dual wielding spike chains does not let me use the battlecry "DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!"
910. I will not convince the entire party to play rockerboys so we can be a Europe cover band.
911. Can't take a level of monk just for tone.
912. Droogie is not a starting language.
913. After casting my one first level spell, can't leave the dungeon to go sleep.
914. Can't bribe the biokinetic to take my drug test for me.
915. On second thought, let's not disguise the wookies in the stormtrooper uniforms.
916. A runic facial tattoos is acceptable for my berserker. Not a Betty Boop.
917. Have one point in every single skill in the game doesn't count as a super power.
918. Can't clean out the dungeon by renting the adjacent dungeon and being as obnoxious as possible.
919. Goldfish do not get a bonus in a staredown.
920. My mech gunner can't have a nude pinup in his cockpit. Especially if it's of his pilot.
921. "But she's hot!" is not an acceptable excuse for my Black Ops solo dating the tabloid reporter.
922. No matter how much we look, we're not finding the secret door leading to the back of the villain's hideout.
923. Druids do not hibernate.
924. Before I make my next wish I have to ask myself: "Is this going to shatter the very fabric of reality again?"
925. Any gun that can fire more rounds in one shot than I can physically carry is vetoed.
926. If given a stock NPC, I must play him as written. So Jar-Jar has to lose the sarape and the cigar.
927. I do not get a bulk discount at the jenny's guild.
928. The Flaw: Odious Personal Habit- Teleports into romantic moments is only available at the maximum penalty.
929. Telekinetic Redhead Chick is not a real superhero.
930. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot circumnavigate the world on foot in one turn.
931. There are no alignment restrictions on becoming a lawyer.
932. Nowhere in the bible does it say ninjas have to line up in a straight line to fight me.
933. If escorting a high priority target, I can't biosculpt the entire team to look like her.
934. Nerve gas complicates fast talk rolls.
935. Cannot take the shape of any animal the GM doesn't know.
936. 'The power of Christ compels me' does not justify my Blessed's actions.
937. I cannot take life insurance out on anybody I have for the enemy background.
938. Psychotherapy doesn't eliminate the alignment change penalty.
939. Just because I've hit name level does not automatically give me groupies.
940. I will not abuse the Exemplary virtue to set up highly choreographed dance routines with random crowds.
941. In the middle of a black ops I cannot make an educational video.
942. We do not need an elf on this dungeoncrawl for the same reason miners need canaries.
943. I am not Bjorn of Borg.
944. Before accepting a harem as a reward for my heroism, need to check with the wife.
945. I don't get any equipment before the GM can Google it.
946. If Australia doesn't exist, I can't use my Australian accent. Even if I am playing a space koala.
947. I cannot bet the powergamer he can't field strip the grenade faster than me.
948. Even if the rules allow it, I can't catch dropped cannonballs with my teeth without drawbacks.
949. I will not make my castle's halls 9x9x9' to keep out gelatinous cubes.
950. The ability to give superpowers to characters is acceptable. Naming the character Captain Franchise is not.
951. The most important stat in Call of Cthulhu is not movement.
952. Keifer Sutherland does not make numerous cameos in my character's background telling him he's destined for greatness.
953. No matter how high my strength, still can't use that wall as a shield.
954. I will not convince the entire party to play identical copies of the same character on the grounds we're sextuplets.
955. No matter his age, my bard can't start a boy-band.
956. Despite the halberd being 6' long, it can't hit monsters more than 5' away.
957. Even if it's been more than two hours since we left the bar, the dwarf isn't getting the DT's.
958. No matter how practical, I can't have shotgunchucks.
959. The town drunk is not our one stop source for all mythos happenings in every town.
960. I will not base my Call of Cthulhu character off the lead character in Slingblade.
961. Even if I am pissed for working on my birthday, in the middle of a Black Ops I will not refer to my CO only by his first name.
962. If I don't have an instrument for my bardic song, an 'air mandolin' won't suffice.
963. After critting with a cannon, we can't dump a barrel of gunpowder over the gunner's mate.
964. Elves aren't marsupials.
965. Even if we're freezing to death, I won't cut open the half-orc and shove the elf inside him.
966. Using precog on the personals to find out who puts out on a first date is abusing the power.
967. There is no such thing as a Tequila Golem.
968. A paladin with a British accent is acceptable. One with a Peter Lorre accent isn't.
969. When I'm allowed a bunny as a familiar, that doesn't include Ava Fabian.
970. I will not make a super hero that requires a graphing calculator to create.
971. I cannot take the flaw Enemy: Random packs of wild dogs.
972. "Threesome" is not a specialty of the seduction skill.
973. Shotguns are not a traditional part of Texas funerals.
974. If short changed at the Hong Kong deli I will call the manager. Not roll for initiative.
975. There is something wrong with a 2nd level Kamikaze.
976. I was not issued a flamethrower for my own personal amusement.
977. Disable plot device is not a real skill.
978. Nowhere in the plan does Franco go in where the others have been.
979. Mumus do not appear in the starting equipment list for a reason.
980. As a matter of fact, a 90' tall hostile pineapple is much more terrifying than a dragon.
981. My last wish cannot be for Ragnarok.
982. Trailblaze means find a path, not cut down every tree between here and there.
983. Elves do not take 1d3 1 minutes for their entire menstrual cycle.
984. In the middle of a black ops I cannot moonlight as tech support.
985. Even if it isn't in the rules, I have to use the same scale miniature as everybody else.
986. I cannot switch miniatures between each combat.
987. Even if starving, can't suckle the elf chick.
988. David Bowie cannot cast glitterdust at will. This issue is also closed.
989. When asked to describe my character, I can leave out the hickies.
990. Even if he botches his medicine roll, I can't sue the medtech for malpractice.
991. "Kiww the Wabbit" is not a proper viking battlecry.
992. The rest of the party would appreciate it if I didn't take Munchhausen Syndrome by Proxy as a flaw.
993. Even if the rules allow it, I can't empty out the entire castle for a week with just a cherry bomb.
994. Corporate Pop Whore is not a real prestige class.
995. Drakkar Heartgourger is not a proper name for a paladin.
996. Dwarves can't take trees as favored enemies.
997. I can't beat on the drow until he admits his name is Toby.
998. The script for the Baywatch movie does not cause more Sanity loss than the Necronomicon.
999. I can't train squirrel mobs to abuse the grapple rules.
1000. I will stop referring to the powergamer as MinMaximus.
The rest is found here:
http://theglen.livejournal.com/131998.html
501. Even if playing a game allowing animal characters, Tai Chihuahua is not a good concept.
502. If my name isn't Grimlock, can't start every sentence with "Me Grimlock"
503. Dwarves do not get Beard Cancer.
504. If the party is to frequently meet with Queen Victoria, I cannot play a Texan.
505. My warrior cleric will not pick his deity solely on the god's BAB.
506. Mjy Vjikjing Skjald wjill njot tjake ljibjertjies wjith thje rjunjic ajlphjabjet.
507. My character cannot give another character the alcoholic disadvantage during play.
508. I will not tell the noobie to roll his THACO.
509. I will not base my superpowers off of Christ. Even if my character is nothing like him.
510. After a bloody battle, I will not celebrate by lying down and making carnage angels.
511. When GM demands to know what my character is doing, it better not be "The Charleston"
512. The nationality of my favorite soccer team does not add to my Brawl Skill.
513. Trying to rip the face off the villain will not get the Scooby-Doo ending.
514. No giving my Roman gladiator the short disadvantage and naming him Minimus.
515. I am not the Lord of Rodly Might.
516. Not allowed to name my characters Grimlock.
517. I cannot make called shots to their self esteem.
518. Affirmative Action does not require me to play a drow.
519. Dual wielding party members is also frowned upon.
520. Under no circumstances is my medical droid allowed a groin mounted rectal thermometer.
521. I will not convince the entire party to play Amish for the cyberpunk campaign.
522. Not allowed to parry at the wrist.
523. When I'm rescued the correct response is 'thank you' not 'took your freaking time!'
524. I will not ask my gun for advice.
525. Running a non-stop Rocky Horror fest for staked vampires is outside the budget for most Samedi.
526. If an NPC is known as the "One" I cannot volunteer to be the "Two".
527. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot spend $64,000 to get the vorpal option for a forklift.
528. I cannot buy every single advantage during character creation.
529. My character is not from Duncan, Idaho.
530. I cannot earn bonus XP for 'catching air' with an MBT. So stop trying.
531. No making up gnomish subraces.
532. Despite being a staple of comic books everywhere, I cannot teleport objects in front of naked people.
533. I cannot increase my comeliness by growing a pornstache.
534. When I level up, I just can't copy the guy next to me's choices.
535. I cannot make a dungeon crawl easier by opening a rival dungeon and hiring away all his guards.
536. If a powergamer joins our crew, I will not billet him in the newly furnished auxiliary airlock.
537. The Cause Disease spell cannot inflict Nitrogen Narcosis.
538. Even if I spend the points, I cannot start married to any of the X-Men.
539. Defensive perimeter traps my character sets up are automatically party knowledge.
540. A full minute of stunned silence means "My God what did you do?" not "Please continue."
541. When prompted for a target by the guided missile "the naughty bits" is not a valid choice.
542. No, I do not have time to carve that mountain in the shape of anything.
543. There is more to buying rations than ramen, spam and beer.
544. I will not cast Gate to bind an infernal creature of power to my bidding and make him mow the lawn.
545. No going 100% tracer round on the HMG just because I like the pretty colors.
546. Dead party members, while effective, are not appropriate anti-grenade measures.
547. Perform skill does not apply to the following: Performance art, spoken word, or fan dances.
548. I cannot have a "What Would Ao Do?" bracelet.
549. It is not physically possible to cook off an accordion.
550. Dwarves can indeed tell the difference between their genders.
551. Cannot install Lojack on the Dragonkin.
552. If my character's drow wife finds I let my niece appear in a Gnomes Gone Wild Video, my death will not even warrant a saving throw.
553. No matter how well I make my disguise check, my gnome cannot convincingly pass for any member of Rush.
554. Even though armor gives him no benefit, my monk still has to wear something.
555. I will stop snickering every time the monk announces he's touching someone with his quivering palm.
556. Even though I'm the ranger, I can't stalk the elf babe.
557. If they get a bonus to spot my gun with a geiger counter, I can't have it.
558. There is not a 'Take your daughter to work day' for adventurers.
559. Even if the Ranger offers his sword, the elf his bow and the dwarf his axe, my gnome can't offer his accordion.
560. Can't hire a sentient black pudding to be the ship's janitor.
561. I can't play a deep gnome just to make the rest of the party have to pronounce Svirfneblin.
562. "Pass without trace" doesn't work on bad checks.
563. I can't make anyone Jewish with a called shot.
564. The Lutherans don't have an inquisition.
565. My vampire hunter can't have anything he saw on an infomercial at 3am on PBS.
566. When confronted with a haunted house with bleeding walls, no converting it into a self supporting blood bank.
567. I cannot consult my lawyer before making my wish.
568. My first wish cannot be "I wish you grant all my wishes to the spirit and letter of the wish'
569. All 3 of my wishes cannot involve Alpacas.
570. The DM does not want to know how my human fighter is triple wielding scimitars.
571. I will not secretly maze the wizard's familiar, druid's companion or paladin's mount just for a laugh.
572. Even if the rules say otherwise, I cannot carry 100lbs of styrofoam without encumbrance penalties.
573. Improved evasion does not work against Save vs. DM.
574. "Get dressed quickly in the dark" is not an advantage, bonus, benefit, feat, skill, perk or merit.
575. Even if I'm a near immortal demi-god with the power to create entire worlds with a thought, still bad to throw a party when Dad's away without permission.
576. I can't use my sneak attack opportunity to cop a feel.
577. No matter how stupid the PC's comment, it doesn't provide an attack of opportunity.
578. Rectomancy is not a school of magic.
579. "Pimp my Death Star" is not a real show, and I'd better believe Grand Moff Tarkin knows this.
580. A sledgehammer does not give any bonus to my search for secret doors roll.
581. No filling the paladin's stocking with coal on Christmas to make him wonder what he's got to atone for.
582. I can't thwart the Rebel Alliance's attack with the newly invented manhole cover.
583. Can't intimidate the evil wizard just by constantly summoning bigger versions of what he's just summoned.
584. On second thought, a minotaur architect is a really bad idea.
585. No using psychic powers before the adventure to figure out who to take life insurance out on.
586. Cannot spend extra money to get the optional "flay" setting for my pistol.
587. No taunting the 1st level magic user with "Mighty bold talk for a guy with only 4HP."
588. Paladins are immune to STDs, but if I take advantage of this ability, I lose it. Wonderful paradox, isn't it?
589. If my gun on a scale of 1-10 is a 7, it's vetoed if that's the Richter scale.
590. I can't convince the rival party our Q-Ship is just named that because it's piloted by John DeLancie.
591. Defibrillators do not allow me the use of the Cleave feat.
592. No matter how well I roll, other PCs cannot be haggled into paying me to perform errands for me.
593. Tensor's Herniated Disc is not a real spell.
594. True to fluff or not, my berserker cannot take the beekeeping skill.
595. I cannot pick a race with a prehensile ANYTHING.
596. No dual wielding whips until I at least have proficiency with them.
597. The party does not need to know about the time I woke up duct taped to the back of a Drow Matron Mother.
598. Any adventure that ends up with my character being worshiped as an orc god was just a dream. Retroactively if need be.
599. Cannot start the new adventure with me trying to run down who ever didn't show up for the last adventure.
600. Even if I'm a wizard, I still can't apply embarrassing tattoos to the NPC.
601. If we run out of cannonballs armadillos will not do in a pinch.
602. Find Familiar scrolls are not a substitute for the hunting skill.
603. I cannot have any gun mentioned in the Geneva Convention by name.
604. If my alignment forbids torture, that includes Gnomish Poetry Slams.
605. Even if this an adventuring party, I can't show up to the adventure drunk and wearing only a toga, lampshade and half elf stripper.
606. If my power is super growth, that includes my skin.
607. A N-Scale tuba player is not an appropriate miniature for my gnome bard.
608. The answer to 'who's got point?' is not the fireball.
609. No diety will let me use my nipples as holy symbols.
610. I cannot name my character Dwead Piwate Woberts.
611. No initiating social challenges based only on the color of the werewolf's shoes.
612. Every time a PC takes himself out through his own stupidity does not let me sing the Oompa-Loompa song.
613. I can't have a magic item I can't request with a straight face.
614. My superhero tank must be height/weight proportionate.
615. One close call with a mimic does not give me the right to attack every door I come across.
616. Even if they are the same cliched acid for blood aliens, can't load my shotgun with baking powder.
617. The forehead is not an appropriate place for a kill count holo-tattoo.
618. No matter how much my humanity loss, a chainsaw is not a substitute for a bayonet.
619. No matter what the dice say, I can't kill a 4th gen vampire with a pump action loaded with buck in a single round.
620. My Blessed does not have the hindrance Ailin': Stigmata.
621. No offering the old man and the farm kid a better rate to Alderaan.
622. Paladins make poor vikings. And vice versa.
623. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a Dire Gummi Bear.
624. When asked what my character is doing, it had better not be the vitakinetic.
625. I must remember before the next time I shave off the sleeping dwarf's beard and glue it to the sleeping elf, wars have been started that way.
626. Dwarves are not proper substitutes for pufferfish.
627. The GM decides if my character dies from a stroke, not me.
628. I can't use audible glamour to trick the cleric into building an ark.
629. Just because they are all into rock, metal and axes, dwarves are not all headbangers.
630. Replacing the solo's bullets with blanks so he comes in dead last in bodycount isn't funny.
631. Medicine cabinets are not the best place to stash spare squeeze tubes of explosive putty.
632. When asked to tutor someone on his defense trait, can't keep punching him until he get it.
633. When told to choose my weapon in a duel with the assassin, can't pick his weapon.
634. Cannot recreate any scene in 2001: Space Odyssey involving women's lingerie.
635. Arguments cannot end with the statement 'Alright, we'll settle this like penguins!'
636. Recon means tell them what I saw, not slaughter all the monsters without them.
637. German characters do not gets 4 racial bonus to intimidate French characters.
638. The DM is not impressed by me spoiling his well planned ambush by just casting Glassee on the door.
639. Before hiding with all the werewolves to ambush the Settite, make sure he didn't leave the LARP 4 hours ago.
640. Even if he loves me too, Chitti-Chitti-Bang-Bang is not an appropriate choice for the romance background.
641. Casual attire does not include shoulder holsters.
642. My character's grandma was not, is not and will never be a contract killer.
643. Even if the rules allow it, I can't gain 1,000,000 XP with one forged check.
644. No matter how much mousse I use, my hair will never have damage resistance.
645. My matter how high my faith skill, still can't take God as an ally.
646. If the game store owner goes into vapor lock, the adventure is over.
647. Any answer to a question involving the words 'wizard', 'station wagon' and 'wood paneling' is no.
648. Can't marry off another PC more than half a dozen times.
649. Zero bodycount does not mean just the ones they can find.
650. Gnolls don't fall for the fake ball trick more than once.
651. My alignment is not Sarcastic Good.
652. My fighter cannot take the flaw: Addiction- stabbing things.
653. Cannot wish for the party to have common sense. Even the wish spell has its limits.
654. If the party goes into my room and finds a Deva wearing only baby oil, oven mitts and spurs, they can start the module without me.
655. When asked my position in the party, it's not 'whatever's closest to Bangkok.'
656. A crayon is typically going to cause a penalty to my forgery skill.
657. Can't put a glass bottom on my tank to I can see the looks on their faces.
658. Changing sexes is restricted to male or female.
659. Quoting Ministry lyrics is not SOP for the Gladius Dei.
660. Walmart is not my one stop shopping place for hunting vampires.
661. The line on my character sheet for 'Sex' is not for keeping score.
662. My Paladin will stop referring to her detect evil power as Evildar.
663. Even if I just rolled 832d6 for damage, still can't get a bonus to my intimidate check.
664. Unlike real life, I don't gain the whirlwind attack to smack all my backtalking children.
665. My WW2 era mad scientist will pick a new target for his project other than Manhattan.
666. When offered a Dracheneisen item of my choice, can't pick Nunchucks.
667. No matter what the dice say, can't decapitate an Aberrant with a straight razor.
668. AT-ST soccer games are strictly against Imperial Army protocols.
669. Cannot name Boba Fett as a godparent to any of my children.
670. While I'm fixing the X-Wing, the brash pilot is still miffed about the Y-Wing loaner.
671. House Kurita Mechwarriors do not appreciate posters of Godzilla taped over their optical sensors.
672. Teleport Without Pants is not a real spell.
673. It's not necessary to install a portcullis in every single room of my castle.
674. When deciding what to do with the ancient alien artifacts we discovered, EBAY is not an option.
675. Even if the rules allow it, I can't take the identical twin advantage 22 times.
676. My character's primary purpose in the party is not to just leech 1/6 of all the XP.
677. Elves do not have the racial trait: No Gag Reflex.
678. Distract the bad guy does not mean with a recreation of the Apollo landing.
679. I do not have time in the Black Ops for break dancing, Greco-Roman Wrestling or phone sex.
680. My axe doesn't go off accidentally when I'm cleaning it.
681. Even if he is a total blast, can't channel Baron Samedi at a Coming Out Ball.
682. Can't make a called shot with a flamethrower.
683. After finishing the cliched "New boss is villain" adventure, can't file for unemployment.
684. My mummy can't take out multiple life insurance policies on himself and name himself the prime beneficiary.
685. The game of chicken does not involve the polymorph spell.
686. My vampire hunter does not take the "un" out of "undead"
687. I cannot backstab anybody with a Buick Skylark.
688. Even if the rules allow it, my Paladin cannot have the flaw: Hatred- All living things.
689. The combat feats I can use with a battering ram are extremely restricted.
690. Mordenkainen's Dysfunctional Family is not a real spell.
691. No matter what the kids say, animated balloon animals is a poor use of the Create Golem feat.
692. The Dr. Jones School of Swordfighting is not an appropriate Swordsman's School.
693. There is no conspiracy to write out the gnome's contribution to the Fellowship of the Ring.
694. Search the old castle means enter it, not level it with artillery and dig through the rubble.
695. Buying the Elf Babe a trampoline and telling her it boosts her Dexterity isn't fooling anybody.
696. Any plan involving strapping puppies to my armor is vetoed.
697. No "accidentally" crosswiring the X-Wing's fire control and ejection seat switches.
698. During the Black Ops no accessing the target's HR files and getting babes' phone numbers.
699. Fed Ex does not deliver to the Keep on the Borderlands.
700. Not allowed to use basic economics to crash the evil empire's economy by spending all my swag there at once.
701. Cannot take the moniker "the Hyperpolysyllabicsesquipedalinist"
702. The Banana of Disarming is not a real magic item.
703. Cannot sharpen Ioun stones for increased headbutt damage.
704. No using my hideously low Charisma to get the villain to do the opposite of what I suggest.
705. Need to stop using my reality altering ability to make every day Mardi Gras.
706. Cannot base my barbarian after Wink Martindale.
707. A throat punch does not give a bonus in a contested philosophy check.
708. My paladin mini is vetoed if it's obviously Private Drake from Aliens.
709. Any plan is vetoed if it was obviously inspired by Boromir.
710. My info gathering mission must include info that wasn't obviously obtained in a brothel.
711. If almost all the words in my character's background start with the same letter, he's vetoed.
712. When told to leave a trail for the rest of the party to follow, they didn't mean with cigarette butts.
713. Even if the rules allow it, can't sink a battleship with a stapler.
714. I do not get a bulk discount on ninjas.
715. Even if the rules allow it, I can't invent the strip joint.
716. I cannot play a race the GM can't pronounce.
717. I cannot start the game in post-apocalyptic Poland driving a Porsche.
718. Warnings given retroactively in battle aren't appreciated.
719. A fluffy tail does not add to my comliness if I'm already 1' tall, furry and a squirrel.
720. Don't have to include the line "And then stab them a lot" in the plan; it's already assumed.
721. Even if my super power is invisibility, still have to provide a model for my character.
722. Can't intentionally fail all my secret door checks so I don't have to play Tomb of Horrors again.
723. If my character is related to a god, it can't be as a parent.
724. The time machine is not for finishing my set of Disciple autographs.
725. No, there is not a Mr. Of Arc. No, I still can't hit on her.
726. My black ops experience does not include panty raids and beer runs.
727. Cannot singlehandedly make Starfleet Academy the #1 party school in the Alpha Quadrant.
728. Not legal to retroactively challenge anyone I just shot to a duel.
729. Cannot take the flaw Obsession: Elf Chick's lingerie.
730. No part of the plan includes: You give me the idol, I give you the whip.
731. No matter how many called shots to the neck I make, I'm still not going to cause a cool pyrotechnics display.
732. Not allowed to trade in my X-Wing for a Gunstar.
733. Cannot make a plan that hinges on the villain first being allergic to peanuts.
734. My character's background cannot be a wikipedia biography with "Falco" crossed off and my character's name written in.
735. Adding hydrolics to my R2 unit does not give him an intimidate bonus.
736. No taking the party to Kara-Tur just because my character has a thing for Asian chicks.
737. Will not color code everything on the ship just to piss off the Vargyr.
738. Though highly educational, no more slipping the anti-paladin sodium pentathal.
739. Can't make the blacks ops super easy by sending a couple of strippers to the guardroom first.
740. Not allowed to give my character a name from a bushman click language.
741. Not possible to tap a keg for mana.
742. Apparently Chaotic Angry and Neutral Hungry aren't real alignments either.
743. Even if the rules allow it, can't takes out an MBT with a shotgun loaded with slug.
744. My second wish can't be for a new, more open minded genie to grant my remaining wishes.
745. Can't wish I was the GM.
746. No making up holidays for my cleric.
747. Can't just walk the obstacle course, even though I beat everybody who tried to run it.
748. Holding a pillow over a sleeping person's face is not a gnomish expression of affection.
749. There is not a Spent Clip Fairy.
750. A bag of holding is a bad place to stash bear traps, badgers or crushed glass.
751. If the party has to pose as classical German composers, I will not declare "I'll be Bach"
752. Cannot take the spetum as my favorite weapon just because it sounds dirty.
753. No encouraging swedish accents.
754. Even if the rules give no maximum encumbrance, still can't pick up the bank and walk away with it.
755. There is a reason no game has pasties in it's starting equipment list.
756. The Power Armor skill does not have a cascade skill dance.
757. I will not build a character with a skill from every single expansion book.
758. Not allowed to take a toad for a familiar just for it's pharmaceutical properties.
759. Restricted to one blue chip for humor per game.
760. Can't use the time machine to rename famous historical discoveries after myself.
761. Not allowed to forge the 1.1 ring.
762. Fighter can't put points in Perform just so he can hammer dance after each fatal critical hit.
763. No slipping the juicer Ritalin.
764. In the middle of a chase in a commandeered car can't spend an action to change the radio presets.
765. Can't parry with a called shot to the face.
766. No more Crazy Ivans while I'm driving the AT-AT.
767. When challenged to a high noon shoot-out, that means in the time zone I'm currently in.
768. Burning my bard song on CD and putting it on repeat does not mean the effect never ends.
769. Before turning undead, make sure the assassin didn't take the vampire template.
770. My mythos investigator doesn't talk in his sleep.
771. Mashed potatoes do not add to my damage resistance.
772. Not allowed to base a paladin off Lee Marvin.
773. My great axe priviledges can be taken away.
774. If I've leveled up 5 times to the Dragonkin's 0, that doesn't mean I'm lapping him.
775. My investigator's motto is not "99% Mythos Lore, 1% Sanity- don't push me"
776. Even if it was obviously in self defense, my character is not allowed to kill George Takei.
777. Tai Kwan Doberman is not a real martial art.
778. It is not possible to bioengineer a kosher pig.
779. Even if we are in Ravenloft, Paladin can't go up ten levels in one night.
780. When told I have to join the RPGA to play in a game, can't sign the membership card "D. Duck."
781. My tribe's trial by combat ritual is not best described as "Calvinball with axes"
782. My paladin's job is not to enforce happiness.
783. The following are also not acceptable Ironclaw characters: Mortal Wombat, Dalai Llama, Boom Orangutan.
784. Monks do not make 3 Stooges sounds in combat.
785. Even if the rules allow it, can't shoot 20 guys in one round with a musket.
786. No I cannot keep the drow priestess we just found as a pet.
787. "Start a career in modeling" is not an appropriate use of the Suggestion spell.
788. "You take the scary one" is not our default battle strategy.
789. Even if it's for his own safety, can't secretly remove the firing pins from the powergamer's guns.
790. If I have access to warm water, I don't take watch unsupervised.
791. Not allowed to give any birthday gift to a child that immediately earns me a dark side point.
792. Despite the movie's claims, Wookies get no racial bonus for chess.
793. When building a superhero, can't spend half his points on radar sense and the other half on cooking.
794. Pregen characters do not have cutesy nicknames, even if their real names are pretty lame.
795. Improved Evasion is not solid proof "Duck and Cover" works.
796. In the middle of the black ops can't lock a bunch of long haired molting cats into the CEO's office.
797. If in the middle of our dressing down our CO strokes out, we took the joke too far.
798. Not allowed to use guppies as buckshot.
799. Can't hunt drow with a spotlight and 30.06.
800. The default response to a social challenge in any game is not to just shoot them.
801. We do not settle disputes in Paper-Rock-Scissors with games of Vampire.
802. Fake eye spots on my helmets do not help intimidate the monster.
803. If my personal carried firepower exceeds that of the Battleship Texas, there's a problem.
804. I cannot take the Dementia: Obsession counting things if I'm not a Malkavian.
805. On second thought, I can't take it even if I am a Malkavian.
806. My character cannot have a noticeable impact, positive or negative, on a town's population.
807. Large dice are for rolling. Not sound effects.
808. Covering fire does not include nuclear weapons.
809. I don't earn the bonus XP for a written background if it's just a summary of the plot to Dig-Dug.
810. While the party is off searching for secret doors, can't position the slain orcs in compromising positions.
811. In the middle of a black ops can't reprogram the cleaning droids to wax the floors for 12 hours straight.
812. I don't have to take a lower level bard adventuring as my opening act.
813. Taking the orc warlord's skull as a trophy is acceptable. Not as a hand puppet.
814. Sending the villain a nymph stripper only works once.
815. Somebody doesn't "accidentally" fall on two dozen shanks.
816. The adventure wrap up is the epilogue. Not Miller Time.
817. Cannot challenge anyone to a dance off. To the death.
818. Augment their psi means their mental powers, not their air pressure.
819. Taking each class as I level in alphabetical order is forbidden.
820. Even if the rules allow it, my Paladin can't serve the god of obituaries.
821. My sorcerer will not take a level in druid just to make it easier to get to the flammable stuff.
822. If everybody in the room is in black leather, we're in the thieves' guild. Not a fetish club.
823. Even if infinitely useful, absolute power over elastics is not an appropriate super power.
824. The back up trap handler is not the guy with the lowest INT.
825. I cannot have Bracers of Brachiation until I tell the DM what brachiation really means.
826. Elves do not respond to chainsaws the same ways dogs react to vacuum cleaners.
827. My battlemech does not play Dixie every time I hit the jump jets.
828. Even if the mages critically fumbles his stealth check, can't threaten to bleed him slow.
829. Despite the song's claim, a pelvic thrust does not cause Sanity loss.
830. Even if we are in Sweden, I can't use one blanket seduction check on the entire crowd.
831. I didn't 'accidentally' forget to buy any skills.
832. I will not run up my bar tab and then skip out leaving the DM's super NPC to foot the bill.
833. Overrunning a larger army is not a glorious victory if it happened at 3AM and they were still in bed.
834. I will stop reminding Elminster he's not as cool as Merlin, Gandalf or that shapechanging wizard from Krull.
835. I cannot lure out the Psycho Killer into an ambush by having sex with another character.
836. No paraphrasing the party leader's elaborate plan as 'pick somebody you don't like and let them know it.'
837. Even if the rules allow it, I can't take the 1st Armored Division as an ally.
838. Doesn't matter how high my influence is; I still can't make Carmen Miranda hats part of the unit's dress code.
839. In the middle of a black ops no inserting a memo into the target's computer mandating 'clothing optional Mondays'.
840. Even if it would have immediately solved the last six adventures, I won't throw dynamite in every well I come across.
841. No more tricking rookies into putting whoopie cushions on Lord Vader's throne.
842. When handed Dieties and Demigods and told to pick a god for my druid, I will skip right by the Cthulhu Mythos.
843. It doesn't matter how high his hit points or damage reduction are, we aren't sending the dwarf into battle via catapult.
844. As a matter of fact, Jeopardy does screen for telepaths.
845. It's not a good idea to taunt Greek heroes with "Who's your daddy?"
846. Doesn't matter if it's an anime style game, I don't get a bonus to hit with eyepokes.
847. Polymorph Mother-in-Law is not a real spell.
848. The Caern is not "Disneyworld as if run by coyotes"
849. The FBI tends to notice when people buy several miles of hamster tubing at once.
850. Doesn't matter how practical, we aren't reanimating the dead dragon and having him haul that horde back for us.
851. When plumbing the depths of depravity, I must remember to come up for air.
852. Any superhero offensive to more than two major religions is vetoed.
853. Even if I'm faced with yet another Get of Fenris Lupus Ahroun, I will not refer to him as CliChe Guevara.
854. We will not take the dead dryad with us to use as kindling.
855. I will not keep reincarnating that bugbear until he comes back as something we can actually eat.
856. A funeral is not a proper place for setting new fashion trends.
857. I will not disbelieve the magic mouth before he gives out the important plot information.
858. Even if it is hours of entertainment, can't feed the Red Talon peanut butter.
859. I will concede we're on a dungeon crawl and stop trying to talk to the monsters.
860. Under religion I cannot put Born Again Klingon.
861. I will not use undocumented zombie workers to help build my castle.
862. Bigby's Offensive Finger is not a real spell.
863. Even if there is no alignment in Traveller, giving feuding TL1 tribes TL12 weapons and putting the results on PPV is just wrong.
864. My doctor's bag will contain more than just a bonesaw and a bottle of whiskey.
865. I do not put the cad in decadent, nor the rave in depraved.
866. Even if it's catchy, I don't have to yell my battlecry everytime I roll to attack.
867. We can't all play bards just to relive our favorite Spinal Tap moments.
868. I cannot have a gun with an area of affect larger than it's range.
869. Richard Simmons is not an appropriate role model for a Get of Fenris.
870. I will not use my vast personal knowledge of Dublin, Texas to get an unfair advantage in the campaign.
871. My halfling cannot take the flaw Obsession: Ring of Invisibility.
872. Any gun that sets off the metal detector before I even pass through it is vetoed.
873. I will not combine Thermographic Sights and a gun that can shoot through walls. It makes Black Ops too easy.
874. After cleaning out Ravenloft, when it's my turn to pick treasure, can't call dibs on the castle.
875. If my superhero has a healing factor, claws, combat sense and longevity, he can't take the flaw Total Pacifist.
876. If I want to play a rampaging nordic warrior and get handed a treehugging elf hippie instead, I can't play her like a rampaging nordic warrior.
877. Even if I am playing a chick, I can't spend all my starting cash on shoes.
878. Rifts in the time/space continuum are not for my personal amusement.
879. Buying a bigger gun does not restore sanity.
880. Searching the dead PC for spell components is ok. Using him for spell components is not.
881. Any character that can run the 2 minute mile is vetoed.
882. I will not convince the party to name all the characters the same thing.
883. I do not need to see proof of insurance before making a medtech roll.
884. Customs doesn't care what my charisma bonus is.
885. Halflings do not store food in their cheeks for winter.
886. Elves are not deciduous.
887. Despite evidence to the contrary, half-elves do not automatically go both ways.
888. Breast enhancing spells gain no benefits from meta-magic feats.
889. I will not try to regain sanity by nailing the reporter chick in public.
890. Dwarves do not get Roto-Rooters as racial weapons.
891. I will not brag too loudly I'm the real reason behind the sinking of the Titanic.
892. Cultists tend to notice if you've replaced their summoning ritual with Jitterbug instructions.
893. Invisibility is all or nothing, can't just target their clothes.
894. I can't just keeping buy rounds of drinks until everybody passes out so I can rob them.
895. I will not miss the final epic battle just because I crit my seduction check.
896. Polish is not a sub-dialect of gnomish.
897. Any action causing the powergamer to storm off while actually appreciated is frowned upon.
898. Healing people of other faiths gets a penalty in Deadlands. Not Serenity.
899. I will not have the architect build my castle using a hexadecimal base to screw with the powergamer.
900. I will not fill the bag of holding with dirt so we can just fill in pit traps as we detect them.
901. In the middle of the Black Ops a diversion is not blowing off the top twenty floors of the building.
902. Can't set the bad guy on fire until after I've blown the persuasion roll.
903. If I fail to make a bluff check, can't shoot him to change it to an intimidate check.
904. Not possible to fire a gun with your teeth.
905. Humming the James Bond theme in the middle of a Black Ops doesn't give me any bonuses.
906. They make platemail in a variety of styles. Crotchless is not one of them.
907. Can't use my attack bonus as a substitute for the skill: Hibachi Chef.
908. I can't take Telekinesis as an auxilary mode just to get free food from the snack machine.
909. Dual wielding spike chains does not let me use the battlecry "DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER!"
910. I will not convince the entire party to play rockerboys so we can be a Europe cover band.
911. Can't take a level of monk just for tone.
912. Droogie is not a starting language.
913. After casting my one first level spell, can't leave the dungeon to go sleep.
914. Can't bribe the biokinetic to take my drug test for me.
915. On second thought, let's not disguise the wookies in the stormtrooper uniforms.
916. A runic facial tattoos is acceptable for my berserker. Not a Betty Boop.
917. Have one point in every single skill in the game doesn't count as a super power.
918. Can't clean out the dungeon by renting the adjacent dungeon and being as obnoxious as possible.
919. Goldfish do not get a bonus in a staredown.
920. My mech gunner can't have a nude pinup in his cockpit. Especially if it's of his pilot.
921. "But she's hot!" is not an acceptable excuse for my Black Ops solo dating the tabloid reporter.
922. No matter how much we look, we're not finding the secret door leading to the back of the villain's hideout.
923. Druids do not hibernate.
924. Before I make my next wish I have to ask myself: "Is this going to shatter the very fabric of reality again?"
925. Any gun that can fire more rounds in one shot than I can physically carry is vetoed.
926. If given a stock NPC, I must play him as written. So Jar-Jar has to lose the sarape and the cigar.
927. I do not get a bulk discount at the jenny's guild.
928. The Flaw: Odious Personal Habit- Teleports into romantic moments is only available at the maximum penalty.
929. Telekinetic Redhead Chick is not a real superhero.
930. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot circumnavigate the world on foot in one turn.
931. There are no alignment restrictions on becoming a lawyer.
932. Nowhere in the bible does it say ninjas have to line up in a straight line to fight me.
933. If escorting a high priority target, I can't biosculpt the entire team to look like her.
934. Nerve gas complicates fast talk rolls.
935. Cannot take the shape of any animal the GM doesn't know.
936. 'The power of Christ compels me' does not justify my Blessed's actions.
937. I cannot take life insurance out on anybody I have for the enemy background.
938. Psychotherapy doesn't eliminate the alignment change penalty.
939. Just because I've hit name level does not automatically give me groupies.
940. I will not abuse the Exemplary virtue to set up highly choreographed dance routines with random crowds.
941. In the middle of a black ops I cannot make an educational video.
942. We do not need an elf on this dungeoncrawl for the same reason miners need canaries.
943. I am not Bjorn of Borg.
944. Before accepting a harem as a reward for my heroism, need to check with the wife.
945. I don't get any equipment before the GM can Google it.
946. If Australia doesn't exist, I can't use my Australian accent. Even if I am playing a space koala.
947. I cannot bet the powergamer he can't field strip the grenade faster than me.
948. Even if the rules allow it, I can't catch dropped cannonballs with my teeth without drawbacks.
949. I will not make my castle's halls 9x9x9' to keep out gelatinous cubes.
950. The ability to give superpowers to characters is acceptable. Naming the character Captain Franchise is not.
951. The most important stat in Call of Cthulhu is not movement.
952. Keifer Sutherland does not make numerous cameos in my character's background telling him he's destined for greatness.
953. No matter how high my strength, still can't use that wall as a shield.
954. I will not convince the entire party to play identical copies of the same character on the grounds we're sextuplets.
955. No matter his age, my bard can't start a boy-band.
956. Despite the halberd being 6' long, it can't hit monsters more than 5' away.
957. Even if it's been more than two hours since we left the bar, the dwarf isn't getting the DT's.
958. No matter how practical, I can't have shotgunchucks.
959. The town drunk is not our one stop source for all mythos happenings in every town.
960. I will not base my Call of Cthulhu character off the lead character in Slingblade.
961. Even if I am pissed for working on my birthday, in the middle of a Black Ops I will not refer to my CO only by his first name.
962. If I don't have an instrument for my bardic song, an 'air mandolin' won't suffice.
963. After critting with a cannon, we can't dump a barrel of gunpowder over the gunner's mate.
964. Elves aren't marsupials.
965. Even if we're freezing to death, I won't cut open the half-orc and shove the elf inside him.
966. Using precog on the personals to find out who puts out on a first date is abusing the power.
967. There is no such thing as a Tequila Golem.
968. A paladin with a British accent is acceptable. One with a Peter Lorre accent isn't.
969. When I'm allowed a bunny as a familiar, that doesn't include Ava Fabian.
970. I will not make a super hero that requires a graphing calculator to create.
971. I cannot take the flaw Enemy: Random packs of wild dogs.
972. "Threesome" is not a specialty of the seduction skill.
973. Shotguns are not a traditional part of Texas funerals.
974. If short changed at the Hong Kong deli I will call the manager. Not roll for initiative.
975. There is something wrong with a 2nd level Kamikaze.
976. I was not issued a flamethrower for my own personal amusement.
977. Disable plot device is not a real skill.
978. Nowhere in the plan does Franco go in where the others have been.
979. Mumus do not appear in the starting equipment list for a reason.
980. As a matter of fact, a 90' tall hostile pineapple is much more terrifying than a dragon.
981. My last wish cannot be for Ragnarok.
982. Trailblaze means find a path, not cut down every tree between here and there.
983. Elves do not take 1d3 1 minutes for their entire menstrual cycle.
984. In the middle of a black ops I cannot moonlight as tech support.
985. Even if it isn't in the rules, I have to use the same scale miniature as everybody else.
986. I cannot switch miniatures between each combat.
987. Even if starving, can't suckle the elf chick.
988. David Bowie cannot cast glitterdust at will. This issue is also closed.
989. When asked to describe my character, I can leave out the hickies.
990. Even if he botches his medicine roll, I can't sue the medtech for malpractice.
991. "Kiww the Wabbit" is not a proper viking battlecry.
992. The rest of the party would appreciate it if I didn't take Munchhausen Syndrome by Proxy as a flaw.
993. Even if the rules allow it, I can't empty out the entire castle for a week with just a cherry bomb.
994. Corporate Pop Whore is not a real prestige class.
995. Drakkar Heartgourger is not a proper name for a paladin.
996. Dwarves can't take trees as favored enemies.
997. I can't beat on the drow until he admits his name is Toby.
998. The script for the Baywatch movie does not cause more Sanity loss than the Necronomicon.
999. I can't train squirrel mobs to abuse the grapple rules.
1000. I will stop referring to the powergamer as MinMaximus.
The rest is found here:
http://theglen.livejournal.com/131998.html