Fic: To Logical Conclusions (1/1 Criminal Minds)
Title: To Logical Conclusions
Series: Of Innocence and Empathy
Author: Frogg
Beta: Nidrian
Rating: FRT-13, mention of rape/torture
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Damnit.
Word Count: 1554
Aaron opened the door, taking in Derek's haggard appearance as he took the steps to the porch too slowly.
Tendons stood out in Derek's neck as he met Aaron's eyes, anger and grief twisting his features into a bitter mask.
"C'mon inside. There's coffee." Aaron held the door open, closing it with a quiet snick once Derek passed him.
"Haley?" Derek asked, his voice raspy.
"She's having a girl's day out. She took Jack with her."
There was silence then, as Derek took a seat at the counter and waited.
Aaron filled the mugs he'd taken out and handed one over, unsurprised when Derek wrapped his hands around the swiftly warming ceramic instead of drinking it.
"You knew I was coming."
Aaron nodded. "Jason called me." Shrugging, he took a sip of his own coffee, licking his lips before glancing up. "I called Penelope."
"Penelope? Aaron, why?"
"You called Jason to watch Spencer. JJ's too involved to be an option. Emily's still too new for you to consider talking to her. And neither Jason nor I were sure you'd wind up here." Aaron held his gaze until Derek flinched and looked down at his hands. "I hoped you would, but I didn't want Penelope caught off guard if you didn't."
Derek took a few harsh breaths before answering. "I thought we had an agreement not to profile each other."
"That's not profiling, that's just the way our team works."
Finally taking a sip of his coffee, Derek pointedly ignored the remark.
"Am I wrong?"
"You really think I'd go to Penelope with something like this?"
"Since you haven't told me what this is, I don't know." Aaron held up a hand. "Derek, half the office was wagering on you and Penelope. You can't exactly say that your relationship with her is entirely professional."
"None of us can say that the team is entirely professional," Derek shot back.
"You're right, it's not. The team is family. For some of us, all the family we have."
Derek didn't answer.
"You're welcome to sit here all day if you want, or dance in circles with me arguing, but I can't help if you don't talk to me. I know you didn't come here for the coffee."
A slash of white flashed across Derek's face as he smiled, then set down his mug. "You know, he's talked about Charles, and Tobias. In the hospital, through withdrawal and everything else..." He broke off and shook his head.
"He never talked about Raphael."
"I wasn't going to push him. It wouldn't have helped, I thought he'd talk to me when he was ready."
Dread curled in Aaron's gut like a rattlesnake waiting to strike. Whatever had made Derek call Jason at six in the morning couldn't have been good; the fact that Derek had spent hours driving around before ending up on Aaron's porch made it worse. "He still hasn't talked about him?"
Derek shook his head. "If I hadn't...If..." He swallowed hard, color draining from his face. "He had a nightmare," he whispered finally. "I didn't catch more than a handful of words, but he...he was arguing with Raphael."
And if Carl Buford hadn't abused you the way he had, you never would have understood, either, Aaron thought to himself. "And?"
"It makes me sick, man." Derek stared at him with pained, tear-glazed eyes. "I watched him hug you and JJ in that cemetery, and he was favoring that damn broken foot, but. I thought, maybe, just maybe... You know, you and me and Gideon thought, maybe--"
"We didn't see everything that was done to him, and since he didn't move like a rape victim, maybe he hadn't been."
A single tear escaped, its perfect trail ruined as Derek bent and swiped angrily at it, leaving a sheen of moisture to glisten momentarily across his cheek. "When I was a kid, I prayed for it to stop, that I could escape...and I've spent the whole damn time since Spencer...hoped and prayed and...I couldn't touch him in that cemetery. I couldn't let him...I couldn't take the risk that he'd associate it with me, it had nothing to do with the locals."
Aaron had no answer for that.
"We haven't so much as kissed since...I won't do that to him, not until he's ready, and he doesn't need my anger. And I can't keep doing this, all I can think about is that I wasn't there for him, not when he needed me--"
"Derek," Aaron interrupted, "you really think you weren't there for him?"
"We sent him off with JJ, Aaron. If it had been you, or me, or Gideon, or even Emily, we could have--"
"You've spent the whole morning thinking about what Raphael did to him, and how Spencer's reacting to it."
"And?"
"And...I know you have a personal rule about profiling your friends, much less Spencer, but he's not going to talk to you about it. At least, not for a good long while. You're in no shape to try and talk to him about it anyway." Aaron let go of his coffee with one hand, sliding his thumb and forefinger into his pocket to hit speed dial on his cellphone. "You already pointed out that he wasn't moving like a rape victim when we got to him."
"Raphael wasn't trying to physically hurt him, yeah, I got that. It was the whole 'sin of homosexuality' bullshit. What does that--"
"Did you never think that Spencer would use that perfect memory of his to insulate himself from that kind of damage?"
Derek froze.
"You may not have been there for him, but as far as Spencer was concerned?"
"It...had occurred to me," Derek admitted reluctantly, then looked up at the ceiling. "I don't know what bothers me more," he choked out, laughing a little. "That Raphael...or that Spencer used Tobias and me against him."
"Thank you for realizing that the Dilaudid had a part in it."
Derek gulped down the rest of his coffee before answering. "I never did thank you...I know you had to do a lot of fancy footwork to get the docs to let me stay."
Mouth quirked in a small smile, Aaron took the time to refill both their mugs. "Like I said, family."
Derek raised his mug in a mock toast. "Whatever, man, I am not calling you Mom. I don't care what Spencer thinks."
Aaron snorted. "Don't even think about it. You have one already."
"So does Spencer."
"Perhaps in the literal definition." Aaron waited for Derek's nod of acknowledgment before continuing. "Does it bother you?"
"I think at this point it's more a matter of what doesn't bother me."
"Does it bother you that we were too late to rescue him?"
"He did a damn good job of rescuing himself." There was no hiding the bitterness in his voice.
"Yes, he did. I think that was my point."
"I never wanted him to have to know what it is to kill someone. Not like Dowd," Derek added, forestalling the interruption. "But..."
"A choice between his life and someone else's. Particularly an innocent."
"Tobias wasn't an innocent. You know what Spencer's worst nightmare is, and Tobias only fed into it."
"Tobias didn't know that."
Derek's lips curled. "Ignorance is no excuse. Spencer begged him not to."
"And Spencer didn't leave you anything to rescue him from."
Derek bent his head, knuckles turning white against the blue mug. "I told you, I can't be around him right now. Not knowing..."
"If I thought it'd help, I'd offer to go in and spar with you."
"Man, I do not need 'putting my boss in the hospital' on my record," Derek answered half in amusement, half in disbelief.
"You're going to have to let it out at some point. It'll eat you up inside if you don't."
"Tell me something I don't know."
"I can't bring Tobias back so you can beat him to death. But..."
"But?" Derek arched an eyebrow.
"I can make arrangements for you to go back to Marshall Parish. Maybe find some closure."
"For me?"
"Tobias being dead, and Spencer recovering, is enough for the rest of us. I think," Aaron added. "It obviously isn't for you."
Derek clenched his teeth.
Aaron waited.
"Aaron, they're not going to pay for a trip back there. The case is closed, there's nothing left for me to do."
"Let me worry about that. I may not be able to get you back to Marshall, but I can get you within driving range." Aaron's lips twitched in a small smile. "Besides, how do we know we found all the victims? Or that there isn't something down there that'd help Spencer recover?"
"Aaron, you know as well as I do that there's nothing there--"
"We know. They don't." Aaron cocked his head to one side. "I may have...left a few things out of the report, just in case."
Derek stared. "You're playing fast and loose with the rules? If Strauss finds out about this, she'll have your head."
Aaron could only shrug. "Family, Derek. You'd do the same for me if our positions were reversed."
Unable to answer verbally, Derek swallowed an entirely inadequate thanks.
"Besides, there actually is something down there that can help Spencer."
"And what's that?"
"Your peace of mind."
~~~the end~~~
Previous: An Innocent Inquisition
Next: A Limit to Generosity
Series: Of Innocence and Empathy
Author: Frogg
Beta: Nidrian
Rating: FRT-13, mention of rape/torture
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Damnit.
Word Count: 1554
Aaron opened the door, taking in Derek's haggard appearance as he took the steps to the porch too slowly.
Tendons stood out in Derek's neck as he met Aaron's eyes, anger and grief twisting his features into a bitter mask.
"C'mon inside. There's coffee." Aaron held the door open, closing it with a quiet snick once Derek passed him.
"Haley?" Derek asked, his voice raspy.
"She's having a girl's day out. She took Jack with her."
There was silence then, as Derek took a seat at the counter and waited.
Aaron filled the mugs he'd taken out and handed one over, unsurprised when Derek wrapped his hands around the swiftly warming ceramic instead of drinking it.
"You knew I was coming."
Aaron nodded. "Jason called me." Shrugging, he took a sip of his own coffee, licking his lips before glancing up. "I called Penelope."
"Penelope? Aaron, why?"
"You called Jason to watch Spencer. JJ's too involved to be an option. Emily's still too new for you to consider talking to her. And neither Jason nor I were sure you'd wind up here." Aaron held his gaze until Derek flinched and looked down at his hands. "I hoped you would, but I didn't want Penelope caught off guard if you didn't."
Derek took a few harsh breaths before answering. "I thought we had an agreement not to profile each other."
"That's not profiling, that's just the way our team works."
Finally taking a sip of his coffee, Derek pointedly ignored the remark.
"Am I wrong?"
"You really think I'd go to Penelope with something like this?"
"Since you haven't told me what this is, I don't know." Aaron held up a hand. "Derek, half the office was wagering on you and Penelope. You can't exactly say that your relationship with her is entirely professional."
"None of us can say that the team is entirely professional," Derek shot back.
"You're right, it's not. The team is family. For some of us, all the family we have."
Derek didn't answer.
"You're welcome to sit here all day if you want, or dance in circles with me arguing, but I can't help if you don't talk to me. I know you didn't come here for the coffee."
A slash of white flashed across Derek's face as he smiled, then set down his mug. "You know, he's talked about Charles, and Tobias. In the hospital, through withdrawal and everything else..." He broke off and shook his head.
"He never talked about Raphael."
"I wasn't going to push him. It wouldn't have helped, I thought he'd talk to me when he was ready."
Dread curled in Aaron's gut like a rattlesnake waiting to strike. Whatever had made Derek call Jason at six in the morning couldn't have been good; the fact that Derek had spent hours driving around before ending up on Aaron's porch made it worse. "He still hasn't talked about him?"
Derek shook his head. "If I hadn't...If..." He swallowed hard, color draining from his face. "He had a nightmare," he whispered finally. "I didn't catch more than a handful of words, but he...he was arguing with Raphael."
And if Carl Buford hadn't abused you the way he had, you never would have understood, either, Aaron thought to himself. "And?"
"It makes me sick, man." Derek stared at him with pained, tear-glazed eyes. "I watched him hug you and JJ in that cemetery, and he was favoring that damn broken foot, but. I thought, maybe, just maybe... You know, you and me and Gideon thought, maybe--"
"We didn't see everything that was done to him, and since he didn't move like a rape victim, maybe he hadn't been."
A single tear escaped, its perfect trail ruined as Derek bent and swiped angrily at it, leaving a sheen of moisture to glisten momentarily across his cheek. "When I was a kid, I prayed for it to stop, that I could escape...and I've spent the whole damn time since Spencer...hoped and prayed and...I couldn't touch him in that cemetery. I couldn't let him...I couldn't take the risk that he'd associate it with me, it had nothing to do with the locals."
Aaron had no answer for that.
"We haven't so much as kissed since...I won't do that to him, not until he's ready, and he doesn't need my anger. And I can't keep doing this, all I can think about is that I wasn't there for him, not when he needed me--"
"Derek," Aaron interrupted, "you really think you weren't there for him?"
"We sent him off with JJ, Aaron. If it had been you, or me, or Gideon, or even Emily, we could have--"
"You've spent the whole morning thinking about what Raphael did to him, and how Spencer's reacting to it."
"And?"
"And...I know you have a personal rule about profiling your friends, much less Spencer, but he's not going to talk to you about it. At least, not for a good long while. You're in no shape to try and talk to him about it anyway." Aaron let go of his coffee with one hand, sliding his thumb and forefinger into his pocket to hit speed dial on his cellphone. "You already pointed out that he wasn't moving like a rape victim when we got to him."
"Raphael wasn't trying to physically hurt him, yeah, I got that. It was the whole 'sin of homosexuality' bullshit. What does that--"
"Did you never think that Spencer would use that perfect memory of his to insulate himself from that kind of damage?"
Derek froze.
"You may not have been there for him, but as far as Spencer was concerned?"
"It...had occurred to me," Derek admitted reluctantly, then looked up at the ceiling. "I don't know what bothers me more," he choked out, laughing a little. "That Raphael...or that Spencer used Tobias and me against him."
"Thank you for realizing that the Dilaudid had a part in it."
Derek gulped down the rest of his coffee before answering. "I never did thank you...I know you had to do a lot of fancy footwork to get the docs to let me stay."
Mouth quirked in a small smile, Aaron took the time to refill both their mugs. "Like I said, family."
Derek raised his mug in a mock toast. "Whatever, man, I am not calling you Mom. I don't care what Spencer thinks."
Aaron snorted. "Don't even think about it. You have one already."
"So does Spencer."
"Perhaps in the literal definition." Aaron waited for Derek's nod of acknowledgment before continuing. "Does it bother you?"
"I think at this point it's more a matter of what doesn't bother me."
"Does it bother you that we were too late to rescue him?"
"He did a damn good job of rescuing himself." There was no hiding the bitterness in his voice.
"Yes, he did. I think that was my point."
"I never wanted him to have to know what it is to kill someone. Not like Dowd," Derek added, forestalling the interruption. "But..."
"A choice between his life and someone else's. Particularly an innocent."
"Tobias wasn't an innocent. You know what Spencer's worst nightmare is, and Tobias only fed into it."
"Tobias didn't know that."
Derek's lips curled. "Ignorance is no excuse. Spencer begged him not to."
"And Spencer didn't leave you anything to rescue him from."
Derek bent his head, knuckles turning white against the blue mug. "I told you, I can't be around him right now. Not knowing..."
"If I thought it'd help, I'd offer to go in and spar with you."
"Man, I do not need 'putting my boss in the hospital' on my record," Derek answered half in amusement, half in disbelief.
"You're going to have to let it out at some point. It'll eat you up inside if you don't."
"Tell me something I don't know."
"I can't bring Tobias back so you can beat him to death. But..."
"But?" Derek arched an eyebrow.
"I can make arrangements for you to go back to Marshall Parish. Maybe find some closure."
"For me?"
"Tobias being dead, and Spencer recovering, is enough for the rest of us. I think," Aaron added. "It obviously isn't for you."
Derek clenched his teeth.
Aaron waited.
"Aaron, they're not going to pay for a trip back there. The case is closed, there's nothing left for me to do."
"Let me worry about that. I may not be able to get you back to Marshall, but I can get you within driving range." Aaron's lips twitched in a small smile. "Besides, how do we know we found all the victims? Or that there isn't something down there that'd help Spencer recover?"
"Aaron, you know as well as I do that there's nothing there--"
"We know. They don't." Aaron cocked his head to one side. "I may have...left a few things out of the report, just in case."
Derek stared. "You're playing fast and loose with the rules? If Strauss finds out about this, she'll have your head."
Aaron could only shrug. "Family, Derek. You'd do the same for me if our positions were reversed."
Unable to answer verbally, Derek swallowed an entirely inadequate thanks.
"Besides, there actually is something down there that can help Spencer."
"And what's that?"
"Your peace of mind."
~~~the end~~~
Previous: An Innocent Inquisition
Next: A Limit to Generosity