Outside Looking In
1+2 - Rationally Irrational - http://thecon12.livejournal.com/2483.html
3 - Flood The System - http://thecon12.livejournal.com/3330.html
4 - Brave New World - http://thecon12.livejournal.com/4729.html & http://thecon12.livejournal.com/4984.html
5 - The Beauty Of Uncertainty - http://thecon12.livejournal.com/5748.html
Outside Looking In
When we’re born our parents are there to teach us the lessons of life, and as we grow into toddlers they use a mixture of affection and discipline to make us learn right from wrong. We come to realise everything through the tone of their voices and the animation of their gestures.
As we continue to grow from toddlers to children we have to take the tools given to us by our parents and realise for ourselves what the world is about; how things should be done; what should be avoided…but as children we are still on that learning curve and sometimes our realisations have to be guided in the right direction.
Being a teenager means the guidance still pops up every now and then but for the most part we are left to our own devices to test the boundaries, and by doing so we discover things we would never expect; some good and some bad…it’s a period of constant trial and error and each time we try something the realisation of what we’ve done, what we’ve found out dawns on us and stays with us until that realisation is tested again…But some of our realisations that we’ve thought for so long to be true, have actually wrongly been marked down as right and realising this can be such a mixture of emotions; totally overwhelming.
I turn my face towards Callie; dark brown immediately locking with mine and we can’t help but let out completely satisfied laughter, “That was amazing…”
“Yay!” I smile as I watch her clench her fists in celebration at another round of great sex. She rolls her body close to mine murmuring, “It was for me too,” before descending her lips on mine in a sweet kiss.
“I mean that was amazing,” I say it again because I’m pretty sure I’ll never get used to how good she smells, how good she feels when she’s pressed against me; everything about being with her feels incredible.
“Me too,” she flashes me a smile that lets me know she’s not tired of how amazing things have been since our encounter in the on-call room either. She heads towards the chair she discarded her clothes on the night previously and I can’t help but rake my eyes over her body. She’s amazing; the sex is amazing, and life? Yeah that’s pretty amazing at the minute too.
“My whole life….my whole adult life I have been with men….and it always felt, you know…fine…good…but I never…” I laugh because it’s all hitting me now; right now in this moment where I should be totally sated; I’m buzzing, my mind’s whirling and I can’t stop the words tumbling from my mouth, “I mean I did but not…not like this…this is like needing glasses.”
Callie lets out an amused sigh and quirks her eyebrow, “I’ve blinded you?”
“No…when I was a kid, I would get these headaches, and I went to the doctor and they said that I needed glasses; I didn’t understand that, it didn’t make sense to me because I could see fine and then I get the glasses and I put them on and I’m in the car on the way home and suddenly I yell…” My eyes burn and I feel my throat tighten up; this tortured happiness building beneath my skin and threatening to break through, “Because the big green blobs that I had been staring at my whole life…they weren’t big green blobs, they were leaves; on trees…I could see the leaves…and I didn’t even know I was missing the leaves, I didn’t even know leaves existed and then leaves…” She’s looking at me; watching me intensely and I can see it across her face that she doesn’t quite get what I’m saying; she’s hearing all the words and not making the connection, “You are glasses…I am so gay, I am so, so, so gay, I am extremely gay,” I smile up at those brown eyes like an idiot and nod my head, not caring for a single second that I, Erica Hahn have her eyes swimming with tears of joy.
I’ve grown; my age is the same, I’m not getting any taller and yet here I am growing…I’m realising and it’s making me grow and that’s scary and exciting all at the same time. Maybe I should be panicked instead of calmed but I’m not…I’m not terrified that this realisation will crumble down the life I’ve built for myself in the last 40 years…I’m content knowing that this realisation will not break my life at all, it’ll simply do the opposite, it’ll make my life better.
“Um…” I watch her shuffle uncomfortably on the spot; her eyes averting mine as she holds up her clothes to me, “I have to go…” My eyes burn again; filling with new tears only this time they’re not caused by joy, but by a sudden tinge of pain gripping at my heart. The glimmer of fear I caught in Callie’s eyes before she darted from the room reminds me that some times realising something can be hard to take.
I think about getting up and hurrying after her to see if she’s okay but I know she’s not…She runs when something she’s unsure of happens; she did it after our first time together because something about it struck fear into her and the words just spoken from my mouth; the realisation I was trying to communicate; trying to share with her, has managed to strike that fear into her again.
I lift my hand up to my face wiping the tears off my cheeks; my eyes close as the sound of the door clicking shut reaches my ears. I hide my face in my hands for a few minutes before running them through my hair. My mind replays our conversation over and I physically cringe as I hear my words echo inside my head…Should I feel guilty for saying them? For communicating with her? I’m not sure, but Callie’s sudden exist makes me feel guiltier than I ever thought I could.
I drag myself out of bed and head towards the bathroom; flipping on the shower and jumping under its hot spray. I feel the pins of the water striking against my skin; my hands come up to walls and I brace myself as I put my head down; the water and steam filling the space around me…I know without a doubt that I’ve scared the crap out of Callie with my outspoken revelation…They say realising your gay changes your life…They say sharing it with your friends makes it easier…But what they don’t tell you is that you end up feeling more alone than ever.
When I arrive at Seattle Grace later that morning my mood has quickly gone from excited and happy to dark and irritable. I haven’t managed to see Callie all morning; the thought of her avoiding me enters my head and sits there heavily throughout the day.
Bailey pages me for a consult halfway through my shift and she desperately tries to professionally convince me to attempt a surgery on a young girl’s inoperable tumour. I should be sharp, focused and ready for the challenge but brown eyes cloud my mind and the smell of her heavenly perfume haunts my every breath.
I see that Bailey’s attached to this surgery; she believes in it and she realises that she’s going to need me if operating is possible. This vulnerability; this caring she has for this patient angers me…she’s a strong woman acting weak and I decide to tell her this; only it doesn’t come out about her at all…what I say, it’s about me…it’s something I see as a weakness in others and yet it’s a weakness that’s haunting me…my surgeon edge is lost and it takes Bailey snapping at me coolly to bring reality slamming back down.
I’ve never done weakness before…there was a reason I had a rule about not mixing working and private relationships; it brings mess to work with you and goes home with you; there’s no escape…especially for me today and especially for Bailey. I give her a hard time about every incision, every suggestion, every damn breath the woman takes because I’m so trapped in my own head that I’m furious at her; at everyone…I’m angry at myself for letting this interfere with who I am at work and I’m angry at Callie for walking away from me and letting me become this angry with her…She’s my person and I can’t talk to her because she keeps disappearing on me.
I should have known that Bailey wouldn’t let me use her as a punching bag and the truth is I respect the woman a hell of a lot. I’m an attending and she’s a resident and ranking wise I could tear her to pieces with a glare…but Bailey? She’s different; she calls me on my shit and she knows that what I did in there today wasn’t about the surgery or her but me…
My head’s still working on overdrive hours later; the anger and hurt still running through my body. I’m sitting in one of the empty lounges trying to finish my charts when I hear the door open; I don’t bother to look up because I know it’s her.
“Erica…”
I cut her off before she can say more; lifting my eyes to find hers. She looks nervous but I don’t ask her why, “You want to apologise to someone? Apologise to Bailey, thanks to you I made her life a living hell today,” I look back at my chart and continue writing; I can’t look at her…I just can’t…
“I slept with Mark Sloan.”
My head snaps up to look at her again and I feel her words violently bouncing around my ears. I don’t say anything for a few seconds because what can you say in response to that? Your closest friend recently turned something more is telling you that she’s slept with a man you openly despise only hours after sleeping with you. Setting my jaw firmly I reply, “If that’s your idea of an apology you seriously-”
“Shut up…” I glare at her but she doesn’t falter like the other residents do. She looks unsure and fidgety but I let her continue, “You were…you were crying and seeing leaves…and I wasn’t…” She pauses for a second here; letting me know firmly without saying it that she’s not gay, “Okay, I may never see leaves…or maybe I will see leaves, but I will also see flowers…I might be a whole forest girl, I don’t know yet…” Her dark eyes are trained on mine and she continues to gesture with her hands; taking a step closer to me when she says, “But I do know that I want to be with you and…to do that I have to at least tell you the truth…and the truth is that I slept with Mark Sloan today.”
Her words cut me in the exact same way that her exit did this morning; I’m too stunned to process it clearly…I hear what she’s saying but as it travels from my ears to my brain it must get lost because I’m not hearing it. It takes me a few seconds but I finally manage, “Okay.”
“Twice…actually.”
Twice…I’m hearing the words again and I know that I know what they mean but my head just keeps flashing this equation ‘Callie+Mark=?’ and I know there should be an easy answer to it but there’s not; nothing about this is easy, “Okay,” we stay silent for awhile after that; I drop my eyes from hers and hope she doesn’t notice the shake in my hand as I tighten the grip on my pen.
“Aren’t you going to say anything else?” It’s a tiny whisper when it reaches my ears and I’m not entirely sure that she’s even spoken so I keep my head down, “Erica, please say something else.”
I hear her feet move on the floor and look up to see her standing directly in front of the table; she’s looking down on me and I notice a look of worry on her face; her eyes glimmering with tears, “Okay is all I can manage now…you should go; I have to finish this paperwork and I’m tired…it’s been a long day…so….”
“Erica-” She whines it desperately and reaches a hand out to touch me before dropping it back down to her side; unsure as to what is left between us.
I soften my voice because no matter what’s happened; no matter how much she might have hurt me I could never hate her; my eyes find hers and I plead with hers, “Please Callie; just go...”
She looks defeated as she slowly nods her head and takes a couple of steps back from the table, “Can we talk later? When you finish here? Joes?”
I nod my head once and then return my focus to the paperwork in front of me, “Maybe,” I see her lingering near the door and I wonder for a second if she’ll try asking me again; she lets out a heavy sigh and pulls open the door leaving me to process and work through a second realisation in the space of twenty-four hours.
I finish my paperwork an hour later; it’s earlier than I expected to be done and as I change back into my clothes, I decide to give up on analysing the Sloan thing and head to Joe’s…maybe time with Callie will help.
I’m greeted with the normal fragrance of smoke and alcohol as I enter Joe’s; I skim my eyes around looking for her dark hair and smile as I catch sight of her sitting in one of the booths. Unfortunately my smile doesn’t last long because I see Mark sliding into the seat opposite her and handing her a drink. I watch them for awhile in pure jealous curiosity; she’s laughing with him and I can see him leaning over the table towards her; her hand dashes out and playfully slaps him and he sinks back into his seat with a smarmy smug.
I don’t understand their friendship…relationship…whatever it is I don’t get it…and I’ve tried to understand them but the thought of her warm heated skin against mine and then against his only hours later is enough to bring the bitter taste of bile to the back of my throat. I decide coming here tonight was the worse choice I’ve made so far today; as I turn to leave my shoulder collides with Joe and he apologises immediately; his hand on my shoulder to steady me.
Somehow my plan to exit silently has been ruined by my clumsy feet and as I glance back at the booth Mark’s eyes have found their way to mine; he looks at Callie and nods his head in my direction giving my position away…bastard…Her face appears around the side of the booth and she looks genuinely surprised to see me…I shake my head in disappointment; she was obviously having a great time with Sloan, until I showed up with my all my emotions and ruined it for her.
I turn away from her gaze and quickly head out of the bar; unwilling and unable to take anymore pain and humiliation today. The cool breeze hits the heated skin of my cheeks and as I breathe out I’m able to see the cloudy puff of air that has escaped my lungs; signalling that I am still alive. I close my eyes for a second and take a deep breath before heading back across the road towards the hospital car park.
I only manage to make it a few steps when a firm grasp tightens around my wrist and tugs at me lightly. I stop struggling and stand still; feeling soft fingers trail from my wrist and entwine with my own; squeezing gently before tugging again; this time I turn my body to hers and gradually lift my eyes from the ground to meet her chocolate pools.
“I’m glad you came,” she gives me a warm smile and then turns her head to the left; taking in the car coming towards us and pulls me out of the road and back onto the path; our bodies suddenly much closer than they should have been.
“Are you? Because you and Sloan seemed to be having a great time without me,” she looks a little startled with my outburst; especially when I say his name with such disgust.
“Mark is just a friend Erica. I was waiting for you and he-”
“Spare me the details Callie,” I pull my hand from hers and shake my head, “You can’t just sleep with me and then sleep with him hours later…and you can’t tell me that you’ve slept with him and expect everything to go back to being okay with us…it doesn’t work like that.”
“I know,” her voice is steady but the pain in her eyes is evident as they brim with tears, “We need to talk Erica; properly. You need to let me explain and I need to quit being so…so blinded with my own stupid fears and listen to how you’re feeling,” she steps towards me and takes my hand again, “I know it doesn’t work just like that…but I want to try anything and everything to make it work.”
I nod my head because she’s pulled me flush against her body; I close my eyes as she nuzzles her cheek against mine. She stays against me, letting me feel her warm breath against my ear and I involuntarily shiver when her free hand trails up my arm and comes to rest on my shoulder. I feel her pulling back from me; her lips brushing light kisses onto my jaw; her nose nuzzling mine and suddenly her mouth is centimetres from mine; her breath tingling against my lips. My tongue darts out to wet my lips and she must take this as a sign because her lips are carefully sliding against mine.
I’m about to respond to her kiss when my mind bounces an image of Mark behind my closed eyelids. I grip her forearms and push her away, “Callie…We can’t just…You can’t-”
“I know…I’m sorry…I just…you’re right here, but if it’s possible I miss you,” she gives me a sad smile and reaches for my hand again and I look down to watch her caramel skinned fingers slide between my own pale ones.
My eyes go back to her face and I notice the tiredness in those gorgeous eyes of hers; she looks as tired by this whole mess as I do; I trail my thumb along the smooth skin of her hand and give her a small smile, “You should go home Callie, sleep in your own bed tonight and I’ll call you first thing tomorrow morning…and we can talk until we’re all talked out.”
She lifts our hands to her lips and presses a kiss across the back of my hand, “I’ll be waiting for your call as soon as the sun rises Erica,” she lets go of my hand and watches me head towards the hospital car park. I glance at her again and see her heading back inside the bar; she catches me looking and calls out to me, “Erica? I’m going back in to get my jacket and then I’m going back to my apartment. Alone….To wait for you…to wait for your call in the morning I mean.”
I smile because she obviously knows that I’m worried that she’ll leave and go do whatever with Sloan long into the early hours of the morning, and even though she stumbled through her words and looked like a nervous stuttering teenager, I’m amazed that she noticed my concern at all, “Night Cal.”
I walk silently back to the hospital car park, my mood lifted and I pull out my keys as I get closer to my car; noticing a familiar small figure opening her own car door, “Dr Bailey.”
She looks at me and purses her lips together, “Dr Hahn.”
She pulls open her car door and as she goes to seat herself I find my voice again, “I was out of order today…” her hands tighten on the car door and she pulls herself back out of her seat so that she’s standing; the woman’s short but she’s intimidating; her eyes are locked on mine and I suddenly feel like an intern again, “I was rude and unprofessional and I was just having a bad day-” I clear my throat to disguise the notion that I was perhaps about to share about my personal life, “I was out of order.”
She stares at me for ages and I feel like I’m in one of those old western films where a tumbleweed rolls between the two awaiting cowboys, “You,” she looks me up and down and smirks, “Didn’t say sorry once then, but I know it’s your way of apologising…so I forgive you.”
I let out a chuckle because the woman’s right as always and turn back towards my car, “Goodnight Dr Bailey.”
“Erica?” I turn back to face her; surprised that she’s addressing me by my first name, “There’s nothing wrong with a girl who gets emotional…in fact a little bit of emotion goes a long way; remember that,” she flashes me a smile before mockingly glaring at me and I shake my head as I climb into my own car; realising that even a bad day can sometimes be salvaged.
I sleep well that night…well once I’ve changed my bed sheets; I know I slept with Callie before she slept with Mark but the thought of them together taints whatever happiness we had that morning…and when I call Callie I want us to start fresh and that means no reminders of what’s gone before.
I keep my promise and call Callie first thing that morning; she answers her phone before the second ring and I let out and amused sigh, “You really were waiting for my call Torres”
“Of course I was Dr Hahn, you’re very important remember,” I grin because this is how it used to be; how it should be…the care free teasing banter; I’ve missed it, “Humph…”
“Callie are you okay?”
“Yeah I’m fine I just…”
The phone’s crackling and I can here her swearing at something, “What are you doing? It sounds like you’re stomping around struggling with something.”
“I had some errands to run,” I can’t see her face but from the tone of her voice I can tell she’s smiling in that way that shows all of her beautiful white teeth.
I’m about to tell her that she should use Yang for any errands she has when I hear the drumming sound of knocking on my apartment door, “Hold on a min Cal…There’s someone at the door.”
I pull open the door and my mouth drops open and then quickly twists up into a smile. Brown eyes are twinkling at me and the smile I mentioned with all the beautiful white teeth? Yeah it’s on show right now. She’s holding up a bag of pastries in one hand and a tray of coffees in the other.
“Breakfast?”
I flip shut my phone and chuck it onto the table next to the door; grabbing the coffee tray from her hand, “Well this is a nice surprise…unexpected since you sleep like the dead…but nice,” I lead her into the kitchen; pulling the coffee cups from the trays and setting them onto the counter.
She puts the bag of pastries down next to them and rolls her eyes when I pass her two plates; she always says eating pastries is supposed to be messy…but why be messy if you can help it, “Well I got up early; didn’t want to miss your call-”
“Callie’s it’s only just seven-thirty, what time did you think I’d ring?”
She pulls out one of the kitchen stools and hops onto it; grabbing her coffee and pulling off the lid; my eyes instantly fixing on her finger that’s nervously tracing the rim, “I wasn’t sure you would…call I mean…I would have deserved it if you didn’t, I’ve been thoughtless and self-absorbed.”
I pull out the stool opposite her and take a seat, covering the hand she has lazily resting on the counter, “This,” I gesture between us, “It’s confusing and we’re just dealing with it differently. We should try harder to communicate with each other…I need to know how you’re feeling about things; even if it might hurt me.”
Her hand pushes up under mine and entwines our fingers, “I know I suck at this, but I want to get better at the talking and everything; I want to be with you.”
I smile at her, “Good. Now hand me one of those damn pastries already, I’m starving,” she rolls her eyes but grins back at me as she slides the bag my way.
We eat breakfast in silence; our hands stay entwined and we both shake our heads in amusement when we catch the other looking for a few seconds to long; it’s juvenile and a really giddily girly thing to do but I can’t help it; she makes me feel that way.
“I have something for you,” she jumps off her stool and heads to the hallway where she dumped her bag; returning seconds later with a smallish beautiful boxed-wrapped gift. She pulls her stool around next to me and slides the box towards me, “Open it.”
I shake my head, “Callie, it’s not my birthday and it’s definitely not Christmas so-”
She smiles at me again, “I know but I want you to have this,” she picks up the box and holds it out to me, “Please open it.”
I smile at her still shaking my head as I pull the lid from the box; I look down at what’s inside and then back at her; my eyes widened with surprise. She gives me another bright smile and nudges me with her knee against mine to get me to pull out the boxes contents. I pull out the case and slowly remove the ribbon wrapped around it; lifting it closer to my face so I can get a better look at it…It’s a dark brown hard shelled glasses case, covered with the design of cartoon leaves; vibrant green ones for summer and spring and beautiful rich orange, red and browns for autumn.
“Callie…”
She shakes her head, “You have to open it Erica,” I look at her and I can see she’s being calm on the outside but the flicker in her dark eyes tells me that she’s anxious.
I hold the case in one hand and run my finger across its glossy surface before slowly lifting it open. Inside is the most expensive pair of black framed glasses I’ve ever seen and that alone is enough to get my heart melting in my chest. But as I lift them out of the case and notice that they’ve been resting on actual dried autumn leaves my eyes fill with tears and I look up to meet Callie’s intense gaze, “Cal…this is…they’re beautiful.”
She smiles at me and takes the glasses from my hands; opening them up and sliding them carefully onto my face; her hands instantly going to hold mine, “I know you said okay but it’s not…you’re not…and we’re not…I broke your trust by sleeping with Mark and that’s not okay with me,” she lifts her hand to my forehead and brushes away the piece of hair that’s in my eyes; before gently cupping my cheek, “I want you to see me clearly always Erica…and I know I said that I may see leaves or I may see leaves and flowers but if you’ll let me, I want to start from this moment gazing forever at one particular leaf because she’s golden and beautiful and in case she didn’t notice I’m kind of crazy about her.”
I let out a laugh through my sniffles and Callie uses the pads of her thumbs to wipe away the tears that have escaped. She’s close to me again now and when she realises our position; faces only inches apart she looks at me questioningly; silently asking me whether we’re okay.
I lean forward and tug at her top; getting her to meet me halfway. Our lips slide together and my eyes flutter closed as I revel in the way she feels so soft; she’s gentle not to push to far; cautious of how okay we really are and when we break apart from out tenderly delicate kisses, she rests our foreheads together.
“Are we going to be okay?” she murmurs as her eyes open to find mine.
I smile genuinely, “We’re going to be better than okay Cal.”
I wasn’t lying when I told Callie that she was my glasses that gave me vision into this unforeseen world. She is. Everything’s clearer and it may of taken her doing and it may have come in life later than it should…but the best thing about glasses is that they’re for everyone of all ages and the pair I’m wearing now; they’re the latest frame; they’ve upped the strength of the lenses and I can’t wait to start wearing them everyday for the rest of my life.
3 - Flood The System - http://thecon12.livejournal.com/3330.html
4 - Brave New World - http://thecon12.livejournal.com/4729.html & http://thecon12.livejournal.com/4984.html
5 - The Beauty Of Uncertainty - http://thecon12.livejournal.com/5748.html
Outside Looking In
When we’re born our parents are there to teach us the lessons of life, and as we grow into toddlers they use a mixture of affection and discipline to make us learn right from wrong. We come to realise everything through the tone of their voices and the animation of their gestures.
As we continue to grow from toddlers to children we have to take the tools given to us by our parents and realise for ourselves what the world is about; how things should be done; what should be avoided…but as children we are still on that learning curve and sometimes our realisations have to be guided in the right direction.
Being a teenager means the guidance still pops up every now and then but for the most part we are left to our own devices to test the boundaries, and by doing so we discover things we would never expect; some good and some bad…it’s a period of constant trial and error and each time we try something the realisation of what we’ve done, what we’ve found out dawns on us and stays with us until that realisation is tested again…But some of our realisations that we’ve thought for so long to be true, have actually wrongly been marked down as right and realising this can be such a mixture of emotions; totally overwhelming.
I turn my face towards Callie; dark brown immediately locking with mine and we can’t help but let out completely satisfied laughter, “That was amazing…”
“Yay!” I smile as I watch her clench her fists in celebration at another round of great sex. She rolls her body close to mine murmuring, “It was for me too,” before descending her lips on mine in a sweet kiss.
“I mean that was amazing,” I say it again because I’m pretty sure I’ll never get used to how good she smells, how good she feels when she’s pressed against me; everything about being with her feels incredible.
“Me too,” she flashes me a smile that lets me know she’s not tired of how amazing things have been since our encounter in the on-call room either. She heads towards the chair she discarded her clothes on the night previously and I can’t help but rake my eyes over her body. She’s amazing; the sex is amazing, and life? Yeah that’s pretty amazing at the minute too.
“My whole life….my whole adult life I have been with men….and it always felt, you know…fine…good…but I never…” I laugh because it’s all hitting me now; right now in this moment where I should be totally sated; I’m buzzing, my mind’s whirling and I can’t stop the words tumbling from my mouth, “I mean I did but not…not like this…this is like needing glasses.”
Callie lets out an amused sigh and quirks her eyebrow, “I’ve blinded you?”
“No…when I was a kid, I would get these headaches, and I went to the doctor and they said that I needed glasses; I didn’t understand that, it didn’t make sense to me because I could see fine and then I get the glasses and I put them on and I’m in the car on the way home and suddenly I yell…” My eyes burn and I feel my throat tighten up; this tortured happiness building beneath my skin and threatening to break through, “Because the big green blobs that I had been staring at my whole life…they weren’t big green blobs, they were leaves; on trees…I could see the leaves…and I didn’t even know I was missing the leaves, I didn’t even know leaves existed and then leaves…” She’s looking at me; watching me intensely and I can see it across her face that she doesn’t quite get what I’m saying; she’s hearing all the words and not making the connection, “You are glasses…I am so gay, I am so, so, so gay, I am extremely gay,” I smile up at those brown eyes like an idiot and nod my head, not caring for a single second that I, Erica Hahn have her eyes swimming with tears of joy.
I’ve grown; my age is the same, I’m not getting any taller and yet here I am growing…I’m realising and it’s making me grow and that’s scary and exciting all at the same time. Maybe I should be panicked instead of calmed but I’m not…I’m not terrified that this realisation will crumble down the life I’ve built for myself in the last 40 years…I’m content knowing that this realisation will not break my life at all, it’ll simply do the opposite, it’ll make my life better.
“Um…” I watch her shuffle uncomfortably on the spot; her eyes averting mine as she holds up her clothes to me, “I have to go…” My eyes burn again; filling with new tears only this time they’re not caused by joy, but by a sudden tinge of pain gripping at my heart. The glimmer of fear I caught in Callie’s eyes before she darted from the room reminds me that some times realising something can be hard to take.
I think about getting up and hurrying after her to see if she’s okay but I know she’s not…She runs when something she’s unsure of happens; she did it after our first time together because something about it struck fear into her and the words just spoken from my mouth; the realisation I was trying to communicate; trying to share with her, has managed to strike that fear into her again.
I lift my hand up to my face wiping the tears off my cheeks; my eyes close as the sound of the door clicking shut reaches my ears. I hide my face in my hands for a few minutes before running them through my hair. My mind replays our conversation over and I physically cringe as I hear my words echo inside my head…Should I feel guilty for saying them? For communicating with her? I’m not sure, but Callie’s sudden exist makes me feel guiltier than I ever thought I could.
I drag myself out of bed and head towards the bathroom; flipping on the shower and jumping under its hot spray. I feel the pins of the water striking against my skin; my hands come up to walls and I brace myself as I put my head down; the water and steam filling the space around me…I know without a doubt that I’ve scared the crap out of Callie with my outspoken revelation…They say realising your gay changes your life…They say sharing it with your friends makes it easier…But what they don’t tell you is that you end up feeling more alone than ever.
When I arrive at Seattle Grace later that morning my mood has quickly gone from excited and happy to dark and irritable. I haven’t managed to see Callie all morning; the thought of her avoiding me enters my head and sits there heavily throughout the day.
Bailey pages me for a consult halfway through my shift and she desperately tries to professionally convince me to attempt a surgery on a young girl’s inoperable tumour. I should be sharp, focused and ready for the challenge but brown eyes cloud my mind and the smell of her heavenly perfume haunts my every breath.
I see that Bailey’s attached to this surgery; she believes in it and she realises that she’s going to need me if operating is possible. This vulnerability; this caring she has for this patient angers me…she’s a strong woman acting weak and I decide to tell her this; only it doesn’t come out about her at all…what I say, it’s about me…it’s something I see as a weakness in others and yet it’s a weakness that’s haunting me…my surgeon edge is lost and it takes Bailey snapping at me coolly to bring reality slamming back down.
I’ve never done weakness before…there was a reason I had a rule about not mixing working and private relationships; it brings mess to work with you and goes home with you; there’s no escape…especially for me today and especially for Bailey. I give her a hard time about every incision, every suggestion, every damn breath the woman takes because I’m so trapped in my own head that I’m furious at her; at everyone…I’m angry at myself for letting this interfere with who I am at work and I’m angry at Callie for walking away from me and letting me become this angry with her…She’s my person and I can’t talk to her because she keeps disappearing on me.
I should have known that Bailey wouldn’t let me use her as a punching bag and the truth is I respect the woman a hell of a lot. I’m an attending and she’s a resident and ranking wise I could tear her to pieces with a glare…but Bailey? She’s different; she calls me on my shit and she knows that what I did in there today wasn’t about the surgery or her but me…
My head’s still working on overdrive hours later; the anger and hurt still running through my body. I’m sitting in one of the empty lounges trying to finish my charts when I hear the door open; I don’t bother to look up because I know it’s her.
“Erica…”
I cut her off before she can say more; lifting my eyes to find hers. She looks nervous but I don’t ask her why, “You want to apologise to someone? Apologise to Bailey, thanks to you I made her life a living hell today,” I look back at my chart and continue writing; I can’t look at her…I just can’t…
“I slept with Mark Sloan.”
My head snaps up to look at her again and I feel her words violently bouncing around my ears. I don’t say anything for a few seconds because what can you say in response to that? Your closest friend recently turned something more is telling you that she’s slept with a man you openly despise only hours after sleeping with you. Setting my jaw firmly I reply, “If that’s your idea of an apology you seriously-”
“Shut up…” I glare at her but she doesn’t falter like the other residents do. She looks unsure and fidgety but I let her continue, “You were…you were crying and seeing leaves…and I wasn’t…” She pauses for a second here; letting me know firmly without saying it that she’s not gay, “Okay, I may never see leaves…or maybe I will see leaves, but I will also see flowers…I might be a whole forest girl, I don’t know yet…” Her dark eyes are trained on mine and she continues to gesture with her hands; taking a step closer to me when she says, “But I do know that I want to be with you and…to do that I have to at least tell you the truth…and the truth is that I slept with Mark Sloan today.”
Her words cut me in the exact same way that her exit did this morning; I’m too stunned to process it clearly…I hear what she’s saying but as it travels from my ears to my brain it must get lost because I’m not hearing it. It takes me a few seconds but I finally manage, “Okay.”
“Twice…actually.”
Twice…I’m hearing the words again and I know that I know what they mean but my head just keeps flashing this equation ‘Callie+Mark=?’ and I know there should be an easy answer to it but there’s not; nothing about this is easy, “Okay,” we stay silent for awhile after that; I drop my eyes from hers and hope she doesn’t notice the shake in my hand as I tighten the grip on my pen.
“Aren’t you going to say anything else?” It’s a tiny whisper when it reaches my ears and I’m not entirely sure that she’s even spoken so I keep my head down, “Erica, please say something else.”
I hear her feet move on the floor and look up to see her standing directly in front of the table; she’s looking down on me and I notice a look of worry on her face; her eyes glimmering with tears, “Okay is all I can manage now…you should go; I have to finish this paperwork and I’m tired…it’s been a long day…so….”
“Erica-” She whines it desperately and reaches a hand out to touch me before dropping it back down to her side; unsure as to what is left between us.
I soften my voice because no matter what’s happened; no matter how much she might have hurt me I could never hate her; my eyes find hers and I plead with hers, “Please Callie; just go...”
She looks defeated as she slowly nods her head and takes a couple of steps back from the table, “Can we talk later? When you finish here? Joes?”
I nod my head once and then return my focus to the paperwork in front of me, “Maybe,” I see her lingering near the door and I wonder for a second if she’ll try asking me again; she lets out a heavy sigh and pulls open the door leaving me to process and work through a second realisation in the space of twenty-four hours.
I finish my paperwork an hour later; it’s earlier than I expected to be done and as I change back into my clothes, I decide to give up on analysing the Sloan thing and head to Joe’s…maybe time with Callie will help.
I’m greeted with the normal fragrance of smoke and alcohol as I enter Joe’s; I skim my eyes around looking for her dark hair and smile as I catch sight of her sitting in one of the booths. Unfortunately my smile doesn’t last long because I see Mark sliding into the seat opposite her and handing her a drink. I watch them for awhile in pure jealous curiosity; she’s laughing with him and I can see him leaning over the table towards her; her hand dashes out and playfully slaps him and he sinks back into his seat with a smarmy smug.
I don’t understand their friendship…relationship…whatever it is I don’t get it…and I’ve tried to understand them but the thought of her warm heated skin against mine and then against his only hours later is enough to bring the bitter taste of bile to the back of my throat. I decide coming here tonight was the worse choice I’ve made so far today; as I turn to leave my shoulder collides with Joe and he apologises immediately; his hand on my shoulder to steady me.
Somehow my plan to exit silently has been ruined by my clumsy feet and as I glance back at the booth Mark’s eyes have found their way to mine; he looks at Callie and nods his head in my direction giving my position away…bastard…Her face appears around the side of the booth and she looks genuinely surprised to see me…I shake my head in disappointment; she was obviously having a great time with Sloan, until I showed up with my all my emotions and ruined it for her.
I turn away from her gaze and quickly head out of the bar; unwilling and unable to take anymore pain and humiliation today. The cool breeze hits the heated skin of my cheeks and as I breathe out I’m able to see the cloudy puff of air that has escaped my lungs; signalling that I am still alive. I close my eyes for a second and take a deep breath before heading back across the road towards the hospital car park.
I only manage to make it a few steps when a firm grasp tightens around my wrist and tugs at me lightly. I stop struggling and stand still; feeling soft fingers trail from my wrist and entwine with my own; squeezing gently before tugging again; this time I turn my body to hers and gradually lift my eyes from the ground to meet her chocolate pools.
“I’m glad you came,” she gives me a warm smile and then turns her head to the left; taking in the car coming towards us and pulls me out of the road and back onto the path; our bodies suddenly much closer than they should have been.
“Are you? Because you and Sloan seemed to be having a great time without me,” she looks a little startled with my outburst; especially when I say his name with such disgust.
“Mark is just a friend Erica. I was waiting for you and he-”
“Spare me the details Callie,” I pull my hand from hers and shake my head, “You can’t just sleep with me and then sleep with him hours later…and you can’t tell me that you’ve slept with him and expect everything to go back to being okay with us…it doesn’t work like that.”
“I know,” her voice is steady but the pain in her eyes is evident as they brim with tears, “We need to talk Erica; properly. You need to let me explain and I need to quit being so…so blinded with my own stupid fears and listen to how you’re feeling,” she steps towards me and takes my hand again, “I know it doesn’t work just like that…but I want to try anything and everything to make it work.”
I nod my head because she’s pulled me flush against her body; I close my eyes as she nuzzles her cheek against mine. She stays against me, letting me feel her warm breath against my ear and I involuntarily shiver when her free hand trails up my arm and comes to rest on my shoulder. I feel her pulling back from me; her lips brushing light kisses onto my jaw; her nose nuzzling mine and suddenly her mouth is centimetres from mine; her breath tingling against my lips. My tongue darts out to wet my lips and she must take this as a sign because her lips are carefully sliding against mine.
I’m about to respond to her kiss when my mind bounces an image of Mark behind my closed eyelids. I grip her forearms and push her away, “Callie…We can’t just…You can’t-”
“I know…I’m sorry…I just…you’re right here, but if it’s possible I miss you,” she gives me a sad smile and reaches for my hand again and I look down to watch her caramel skinned fingers slide between my own pale ones.
My eyes go back to her face and I notice the tiredness in those gorgeous eyes of hers; she looks as tired by this whole mess as I do; I trail my thumb along the smooth skin of her hand and give her a small smile, “You should go home Callie, sleep in your own bed tonight and I’ll call you first thing tomorrow morning…and we can talk until we’re all talked out.”
She lifts our hands to her lips and presses a kiss across the back of my hand, “I’ll be waiting for your call as soon as the sun rises Erica,” she lets go of my hand and watches me head towards the hospital car park. I glance at her again and see her heading back inside the bar; she catches me looking and calls out to me, “Erica? I’m going back in to get my jacket and then I’m going back to my apartment. Alone….To wait for you…to wait for your call in the morning I mean.”
I smile because she obviously knows that I’m worried that she’ll leave and go do whatever with Sloan long into the early hours of the morning, and even though she stumbled through her words and looked like a nervous stuttering teenager, I’m amazed that she noticed my concern at all, “Night Cal.”
I walk silently back to the hospital car park, my mood lifted and I pull out my keys as I get closer to my car; noticing a familiar small figure opening her own car door, “Dr Bailey.”
She looks at me and purses her lips together, “Dr Hahn.”
She pulls open her car door and as she goes to seat herself I find my voice again, “I was out of order today…” her hands tighten on the car door and she pulls herself back out of her seat so that she’s standing; the woman’s short but she’s intimidating; her eyes are locked on mine and I suddenly feel like an intern again, “I was rude and unprofessional and I was just having a bad day-” I clear my throat to disguise the notion that I was perhaps about to share about my personal life, “I was out of order.”
She stares at me for ages and I feel like I’m in one of those old western films where a tumbleweed rolls between the two awaiting cowboys, “You,” she looks me up and down and smirks, “Didn’t say sorry once then, but I know it’s your way of apologising…so I forgive you.”
I let out a chuckle because the woman’s right as always and turn back towards my car, “Goodnight Dr Bailey.”
“Erica?” I turn back to face her; surprised that she’s addressing me by my first name, “There’s nothing wrong with a girl who gets emotional…in fact a little bit of emotion goes a long way; remember that,” she flashes me a smile before mockingly glaring at me and I shake my head as I climb into my own car; realising that even a bad day can sometimes be salvaged.
I sleep well that night…well once I’ve changed my bed sheets; I know I slept with Callie before she slept with Mark but the thought of them together taints whatever happiness we had that morning…and when I call Callie I want us to start fresh and that means no reminders of what’s gone before.
I keep my promise and call Callie first thing that morning; she answers her phone before the second ring and I let out and amused sigh, “You really were waiting for my call Torres”
“Of course I was Dr Hahn, you’re very important remember,” I grin because this is how it used to be; how it should be…the care free teasing banter; I’ve missed it, “Humph…”
“Callie are you okay?”
“Yeah I’m fine I just…”
The phone’s crackling and I can here her swearing at something, “What are you doing? It sounds like you’re stomping around struggling with something.”
“I had some errands to run,” I can’t see her face but from the tone of her voice I can tell she’s smiling in that way that shows all of her beautiful white teeth.
I’m about to tell her that she should use Yang for any errands she has when I hear the drumming sound of knocking on my apartment door, “Hold on a min Cal…There’s someone at the door.”
I pull open the door and my mouth drops open and then quickly twists up into a smile. Brown eyes are twinkling at me and the smile I mentioned with all the beautiful white teeth? Yeah it’s on show right now. She’s holding up a bag of pastries in one hand and a tray of coffees in the other.
“Breakfast?”
I flip shut my phone and chuck it onto the table next to the door; grabbing the coffee tray from her hand, “Well this is a nice surprise…unexpected since you sleep like the dead…but nice,” I lead her into the kitchen; pulling the coffee cups from the trays and setting them onto the counter.
She puts the bag of pastries down next to them and rolls her eyes when I pass her two plates; she always says eating pastries is supposed to be messy…but why be messy if you can help it, “Well I got up early; didn’t want to miss your call-”
“Callie’s it’s only just seven-thirty, what time did you think I’d ring?”
She pulls out one of the kitchen stools and hops onto it; grabbing her coffee and pulling off the lid; my eyes instantly fixing on her finger that’s nervously tracing the rim, “I wasn’t sure you would…call I mean…I would have deserved it if you didn’t, I’ve been thoughtless and self-absorbed.”
I pull out the stool opposite her and take a seat, covering the hand she has lazily resting on the counter, “This,” I gesture between us, “It’s confusing and we’re just dealing with it differently. We should try harder to communicate with each other…I need to know how you’re feeling about things; even if it might hurt me.”
Her hand pushes up under mine and entwines our fingers, “I know I suck at this, but I want to get better at the talking and everything; I want to be with you.”
I smile at her, “Good. Now hand me one of those damn pastries already, I’m starving,” she rolls her eyes but grins back at me as she slides the bag my way.
We eat breakfast in silence; our hands stay entwined and we both shake our heads in amusement when we catch the other looking for a few seconds to long; it’s juvenile and a really giddily girly thing to do but I can’t help it; she makes me feel that way.
“I have something for you,” she jumps off her stool and heads to the hallway where she dumped her bag; returning seconds later with a smallish beautiful boxed-wrapped gift. She pulls her stool around next to me and slides the box towards me, “Open it.”
I shake my head, “Callie, it’s not my birthday and it’s definitely not Christmas so-”
She smiles at me again, “I know but I want you to have this,” she picks up the box and holds it out to me, “Please open it.”
I smile at her still shaking my head as I pull the lid from the box; I look down at what’s inside and then back at her; my eyes widened with surprise. She gives me another bright smile and nudges me with her knee against mine to get me to pull out the boxes contents. I pull out the case and slowly remove the ribbon wrapped around it; lifting it closer to my face so I can get a better look at it…It’s a dark brown hard shelled glasses case, covered with the design of cartoon leaves; vibrant green ones for summer and spring and beautiful rich orange, red and browns for autumn.
“Callie…”
She shakes her head, “You have to open it Erica,” I look at her and I can see she’s being calm on the outside but the flicker in her dark eyes tells me that she’s anxious.
I hold the case in one hand and run my finger across its glossy surface before slowly lifting it open. Inside is the most expensive pair of black framed glasses I’ve ever seen and that alone is enough to get my heart melting in my chest. But as I lift them out of the case and notice that they’ve been resting on actual dried autumn leaves my eyes fill with tears and I look up to meet Callie’s intense gaze, “Cal…this is…they’re beautiful.”
She smiles at me and takes the glasses from my hands; opening them up and sliding them carefully onto my face; her hands instantly going to hold mine, “I know you said okay but it’s not…you’re not…and we’re not…I broke your trust by sleeping with Mark and that’s not okay with me,” she lifts her hand to my forehead and brushes away the piece of hair that’s in my eyes; before gently cupping my cheek, “I want you to see me clearly always Erica…and I know I said that I may see leaves or I may see leaves and flowers but if you’ll let me, I want to start from this moment gazing forever at one particular leaf because she’s golden and beautiful and in case she didn’t notice I’m kind of crazy about her.”
I let out a laugh through my sniffles and Callie uses the pads of her thumbs to wipe away the tears that have escaped. She’s close to me again now and when she realises our position; faces only inches apart she looks at me questioningly; silently asking me whether we’re okay.
I lean forward and tug at her top; getting her to meet me halfway. Our lips slide together and my eyes flutter closed as I revel in the way she feels so soft; she’s gentle not to push to far; cautious of how okay we really are and when we break apart from out tenderly delicate kisses, she rests our foreheads together.
“Are we going to be okay?” she murmurs as her eyes open to find mine.
I smile genuinely, “We’re going to be better than okay Cal.”
I wasn’t lying when I told Callie that she was my glasses that gave me vision into this unforeseen world. She is. Everything’s clearer and it may of taken her doing and it may have come in life later than it should…but the best thing about glasses is that they’re for everyone of all ages and the pair I’m wearing now; they’re the latest frame; they’ve upped the strength of the lenses and I can’t wait to start wearing them everyday for the rest of my life.