girl, you're like a weird vacation, 3/3, adam/kris
girl, you're like a weird vacation
part one | part two
Midterms sneak up out of nowhere, and Kris realizes with a jolt one morning that this is actually her life now, she lives in Los Angeles, and she’s happy here, and it’s - so incredibly amazing. She smiles all the time now, and Katy still doesn’t believe her when she says that, but whatever. It’s totally true.
Her crush on Adam, however, does not dissipate. In actuality, it grows, until it’s this huge big unable-to-be-ignored issue, that freaking everybody knows about because Kris can’t catch a freakin break. Even Cale comments on it, and he’s about as dense as brick when it comes to that sort of stuff.
“Hey, are you and Adam dating or what?” he asks one afternoon, and Kris just groans, covering her eyes with her arm. “What?”
“So,” she tells Katy one Saturday afternoon, lying on Adam’s couch on the phone, waiting for her to return with food from the store. “I’m kind of in love with Adam.”
“Yeah, what else is new,” Katy replies.
“No ‘I told you so’?”
Katy huffs. “Kris,” she says, affronted, “I am not that mean. But. Well, okay, I totally told you so.”
Kris groans. “What do I do?”
“Wow,” Katy replies. “What a stupid question.”
“Hey,” Kris says, “I thought you weren’t mean.”
Katy just laughs. “Kris, honey, if you can’t figure out the answer to that question than I need to seriously reevaluate your intelligence.” Kris scowls and hangs up on her.
She can sort of ignore it, most of the time. She and Adam have fallen into this pattern, like sort of dating but without all the stuff that girlfriends would usually do. Well, romantic girlfriends. Mostly - kissing. And sex. Which, Kris is willing to argue, is possibly the most painful part.
But she and Adam’s friendship is so awesome that she can mostly handle the no sex part, because she gets to see Adam all the time anyway, talking to her on the phone and hanging out at her place and around campus and at the bar with Dani and Cale and Brad and Sasha, and sometimes Lola and Bambi, when they have the night off. It’s enough, it really is. Kris is grateful just to have Adam in her life, because she honestly doesn’t know if she would’ve survived her first month or so in LA without her.
It becomes a little harder to ignore it, however, when Suzanne asks her out.
“I know you and Adam have this weird - thing,” Suzanne says, over dinner one night in the caf. “But you keep saying that you’re not dating her, and you know - it’s been a couple months, so I figured - why not?” She grins, twirling her fork around in her plate of pasta idly, eyes on Kris’s face.
Kris barely manages to keep from blushing, taking a gulp of water to distract herself. “I, um, didn’t know you liked me - that way,” she says.
“I flirt with you like, all the time,” Suzanne says.
It’s true. She does. “I thought that was just like - your personality, though,” Kris replies, and Suzanne laughs.
“This is why I like you,” she says. “No, it’s just you, Kris. I like you.” She reaches out, laying a hand on Kris’s wrist, and Kris has to resist the urge to pull away. “And listen, I’m not asking for anything complicated or anything, I know you and Adam are - you and Adam.” She quirks a small smile. “I’m just - offering, in the mean time, I guess. In case you ever wanted to have some fun. That’s all.”
Kris’s brain, and her hormones, start spinning crazily at the potential definitions of ‘fun,’ but she gulps, letting her eyes fall to her plate. “I don’t - um.” She stops herself, gulping. There’s a huge difference between just accepting the status quo with Adam, and actively turning down other offers, like she’s - pining, or something. It’s a line she’s about to cross, and she realizes it with a sickening drop of her stomach. “I don’t think so,” she says, lifting her chin to look Suzanne in the eye. “I’m sorry.”
Suzanne nods calmly. “Okay,” she says, and lets it go, changing the subject easily. Kris follows the conversation as best she can, feeling a strange sort of lump in her throat.
She doesn’t tell Adam about it, unsure of the exact reason why. She doesn’t tell anyone, actually, even Katy, who would just give Kris another long lecture on how she should tell Adam before it’s too late and how not telling her is actually more selfish than Kris thinks, and blah blah blah, how she lives halfway across the country and manages to be even more annoying than she’d been in high school is a mystery to Kris.
The next week is Adam’s show, anyway, a production of Hairspray at a community theatre. Kris has been to a few rehearsals, and she’s gotta say, Adam makes a fucking awesome villain.
“It’s in my nature,” Adam tells her haughtily. “Is my wig on straight?”
“Yes,” Kris says, still trying not to laugh at Blonde-Adam. It’s kind of hilarious.
Opening night, Kris sits in the front row next to Brad and Danielle, singing along loudly with every song and yelling extra loud at the curtain call. Maybe Kris is imagining it, but Adam gets even more applause than anyone else, even the girl who played Tracy, who had this crazy awesome voice that rivaled Adam’s in pure power.
After, they head backstage for the cast party, Brad sneaking off the bar and procuring a drink for Kris without even being asked.
“Please,” he says, “you are my very favorite friend, don’t tell Adam, and what kind of lush would I be if I didn’t promote underage drinking?” Kris toasts him with a grin, slapping his ass as he scurries off in search of the hot boy who played Link.
Danielle had disappeared a while back, and so Kris drifts, half searching for Adam, half floating through the crowd. It’s a relatively small number of people, but the combined awesome factor of everyone in the room could beat out the entire town of Conway, plus maybe a couple of the surrounding towns, combined. It’s like that everywhere in LA - Kris still isn’t quite used to it, but she definitely loves it a whole lot.
She’s chatting with a tipsy Wilbur Turnblad, aka Gary, when she finally spots Adam, hanging by the bar in a crowd of people, still in costume, although the wig has apparently been abandoned. She’s laughing, head thrown back like she does when she finds something really funny, and Kris’s heart melts a little at the sight.
Then, a guy walks up behind her, sliding an arm around her shoulders, and all the melting turns instantly to ice.
Adam’s sexuality is something that Kris has never quite understood completely - no matter how many times they’ve talked about it, it’s never been quite clear if Adam is gay, or bisexual, or what. She keeps saying she doesn’t like labels, which is - fine, with Kris, but she also seems like she’s aware that she isn’t straight, and so many times that they’ve discussed Kris’s gayness or her coming out or whatever, Adam has chimed in with her own experiences, unconsciously associating them with Kris’s.
But, she dates guys, too. Not as often as girls (something Kris had found out from Danielle, who had snorted in disbelief at Adam’s “50/50” explanation) but still, from time to time. She hasn’t been dating anyone though, since Kris has come to LA - and apart from a few hookups, all with women, Kris hasn’t really seen her with anyone in a romantic context at all.
Which apparently, has changed, if the looks of this situation are correct. Kris excuses herself from her conversation with Gary, hiding in a corner and staring unabashedly, unable to stop herself.
It’s obviously a boyfriend guy, instead of just a friend guy, and obviously not the first date, just from their body language. He’s skinny, kind of short, with a half-mohawk and dark eye makeup. He’s got a sort of gritty, glam rock thing going on, which is - exactly the type of guy that Kris would picture Adam dating, if she were going to date a guy. Which apparently she is. As she watches, Adam turns to the guy, leaning in and pressing a kiss to his mouth that quickly turns heated, and Kris has to look away.
She feels almost - numb, in a way, and when she lifts her arm to take a shaky sip of her drink, it feels like she’s pushing through mud. She debates leaving, just taking off, but Brad had driven, and Kris hasn’t quite figured out the buses yet, so that’s a bad idea. Plus - it’d be rude, right? This is Adam’s opening night. Kris can’t - she can’t let her issues get in the way. Like - Adam can date whoever she wants. That’s fine. Whatever, right? They’re friends. Friends. And Adam - always makes the first move. So. Yes.
“Kris!” Adam spots her finally, breaking away from the guy’s arm briefly to wave her over. “Get over here!”
Kris takes a fortifying breath, gulping down the rest of her drink before heading over, plastering what she hopes is a happy smile on her face. When Adam hugs her, she winces, but manages to hide it. She hopes.
“So?” Adam asks, face wide open and hopeful. She’s obviously drunk, though not obnoxiously so, her voice just this side of too loud. “What’d you think?”
“Amazing,” Kris says forcefully. “Really, Adam. You were fantastic.” Adam grins happily.
“I want you to meet someone,” she says, “I met him uh, last week? I think? Well, whatever - Tommy!” Adam turns, grabbing the guy’s hand and pulling him unceremoniously away from a conversation with someone. “Tommy, this is Kris. She is amazing, the best friend in the world seriously, and she plays guitar.“
Tommy smiles, eyes sparkling. He’s more handsome up close, and when he shakes Kris hand, his expression is kind. Kris wants to knee him in the balls.
“Nice to meet you,” she says instead.
“Tommy plays bass,” Adam says meaningfully. “And he’s looking for a band to play in, right Tommy?”
“Yeah,” Tommy says. “Not anything serious, right now, anyway. But in the future, who knows?” He stuffs his hands in his pockets, shrugging sheepishly. Kris has to fight to keep her expression even.
Frowning a bit at Kris’s odd silence, Adam keeps up the conversation. “Kris is in a band,” she says helpfully. “Sooo - you do see where I’m going with this right? Hello? Bueller?”
“It’s not really a band,” Kris says hastily. “More like - an idea, at this point.”
“Yeah, but it could be more than an idea,” Adam insists, “if you guys wanted it to. It’s just her and this guy Cale, right now,” she says, turning to Tommy, “but they’re both really good. If they’d scrape together some solid bass and drums they’d be set. And Kris,” she says, turning back, “Tommy is solid. Definitely.”
Kris swallows. “That sounds - great,” she says weakly. Adam frowns at her quizzically.
“Well, if you guys are interested,” Tommy says, “we could get together and jam a little. See what happens?”
“Sure,” Kris says, for Adam’s sake. “I mean - Cale and I, we’re students, so we’re not exactly looking to get really ambitious right away or anything - ”
“That’s perfect,” Tommy says, “neither am I. I’ve got a pretty solid studio gig going. I just want something to blow off steam, you know?” He slides one arm around Adam’s waist, pinching her side, making her turn away and giggle. “Besides hanging out with this crazy chick, anyway.”
“Ass,” Adam says, and Kris blinks rapidly, trying to swallow the lump in her throat.
She forces herself to take Tommy’s number, vowing to herself to lose it the first chance she gets, fuck Adam anyway. She spends the rest of the night with Brad, who had apparently struck out with Link, avoiding Adam - and Tommy, glued to her side - as much as possible.
He seems hip to her strategy, and rustles up Danielle, herding them both out of there early. “I’ll text Adam later and apologize,” he says kindly, shooting a meaningful look at Danielle, who sobers, looping her arm through Kris’s in a familiar, comforting motion. “Let’s just go home, babies. It’s been a long night.”
Kris wants so badly to act unaffected, but lays her head on Brad’s shoulder in the car anyway, so beyond grateful for his, and Danielle’s, silent support.
When she gets back to her dorm she feels the numbness slowly seeping away, in its place a tearing, weary sadness. She stands outside her door, unable to force herself to press the combination to open the door, not wanting to face Kendra in any way, shape or form tonight at all.
Instead, she turns on her heel and knocks on Suzanne and Kelsi’s door instead, realizing belatedly that it’s late, and they’re probably asleep. The door opens only seconds after, however, a mildly sleep-ruffled Suzanne smiling bemusedly at Kris, room dark behind her.
“Hey, Kris, what’s up?” she asks, face sobering. “Oh. Is something wrong? You look - “
Kris bursts into tears.
“Oh, Kris,” Suzanne says, shooting a look behind her into the room and stepping out into the hallway, shutting the door behind her and wrapping Kris into a hug. “Shh, honey, shh. It’s okay.” Kris clutches at her, sobbing into her neck, allowing herself to accept the comfort and shutting out the world for a few precious minutes.
When she finally calms down, she pulls away abruptly, wiping at her eyes angrily. “I’m sorry,” she says hoarsely, “I woke you up - “
“No you didn’t,” Suzanne says quickly, “Kelsi was asleep. I was doing homework, though. Don’t worry.” She frowns. “What happened?”
Kris sags, shaking her head wordlessly.
Suzanne hums. “Okay, let’s go to the common room.” She glances at her watch. “It’s late enough, it’ll be empty.”
Kris allows her to lead her down into the common room in the basement of the dorm building, curling up on one of the huge leather couches, the hum of the big air conditioners familiar and comforting.
“So,” Suzanne says, scooting up close, one hand around Kris’s shoulder, “this is about Adam.” Kris nods feebly. “Tell me.”
“She’s dating someone,” Kris says wobbily. “A guy. I met him tonight.”
“Oh, honey,” Suzanne says.
“I just - “ Kris breaks off, shaking her head. “It’s a new thing, it has to be. She said she met him last week, but they were all over each other and - ugh. I’ve seen her hook up with people before, but never guys, and I knew that she dated guys before, I’ve just never seen it, you know, and - I don’t know. I’m an idiot.” She laughs bitterly, propping her elbows on her knees and holding her forehead in her hands. “All this time I’ve been thinking - like expecting something to happen between us, and I didn’t make a move because - well, because of a lot of reasons, but obviously, I waited too long, or maybe Adam just doesn’t want the same thing, or - whatever.”
Suzanne shakes her head fervently. “No, no, Kris,” she says, “Adam does. Trust me, okay. You two are totally obvious.”
“Then why hasn’t she made a move?” Kris demands.
“Why haven’t you?“ Suzanne asks. “Maybe she’s waiting on you.”
Kris shakes her head. “She always makes the first move,” she says weakly, feeling a pang of mixed guilt and shame. “And - God, Suze. I’m scared, okay? I love her. I do, I really love her. I don’t wanna fuck it up. And I have no idea what I’m doing.” She laughs at herself, incredulous and sad. “My dating experience pretty much extends to an unrequited crush on my best friend, a spin the bottle kiss with Lola, and - well, you. How pathetic is that?”
“Not pathetic,” Suzanne insists. “Kris, you are not pathetic.”
“I feel pathetic,” Kris says, letting her head fall back onto Suzanne’s shoulder, sighing as her hand comes up to smooth down Kris’s hair rhythmically. “I feel - really pathetic.”
Suzanne sighs, and Kris feels the motion beneath her cheek. “I know, sweetie,” she says, squeezing her tighter.
They sit in silence, breathing in tandem, the motion of Suzanne’s hand through her hair soothing and almost hypnotic in a way. As she lies against her, Kris slowly becomes aware of the visceral aspects of Suzanne’s body - her pulse, the skin of her neck, slightly sweaty, the swell of her breasts, the strong muscles of her arms. Kris snuggles in closer, squeezing her eyes shut, wanting to block out the memory of Tommy and Adam, replace it with this feeling, the feeling of a body against hers, warm and inviting and kind.
“Kris,” Suzanne says after awhile, voice wary and careful. “Um. Are you - “
“I’m fine,” Kris says quickly, voice muffled by Suzanne’s t-shirt.
She laughs, a little nervously, the motion of it jostling Kris’s cheek. “Right,” she says. “Um, are you - I mean, this isn’t - “
Kris responds by throwing one leg across Suzanne’s, tangling their feet and bringing their thighs into contact. Suzanne’s wearing a pair of sleep shorts, and Kris is in a skirt, and their bare skin slides together smoothly.
“Uh yeah,” Suzanne says, a little shakily, “I can’t decide if I’m really lucky or really fucking stupid right now. Probably both.”
“You said you weren’t looking for anything complicated,” Kris says plaintively, hating the whiny tone to her own voice.
“This is pretty much the definition of complicated, honey,” Suzanne says, wryly, but tangles her fingers in Kris’s hair, shifting closer marginally.
“Look,” Kris says, aiming the words into the skin of Suzanne’s neck, unsure if she’d be able to say them out loud if she were looking her in the eye. “You’re my friend, and I don’t want to hurt you. So you can say no, but - ” she swallows. “I could just really use distracting right now.” She holds her breath, unable to keep herself from adding a soft “please.”
Suzanne is silent for a long moment, fingers tightening in Kris’s hair. “I,” she starts, a little shakily, “think this is a very unhealthy reaction to what happened to you tonight, and that you’re gonna regret this - “
“And I’m really tired of other people telling me how I feel or what’s best for me,” Kris interrupts. “And maybe you should let me decide for myself what I’m going to regret.”
Suzanne nudges Kris, forcing her to sit up and look her in the eye. “Kris,” she says, very seriously, “do you know what you’re doing?”
Kris nods. “Yes.”
Suzanne’s eyes drop to her lips, and somewhere in the foggy haze that is her brain, Kris knows that she’s won. “Just don’t hate me in the morning,” she jokes, but it falls a little flat.
Kris takes a deep breath, lifting herself up deliberately and sliding into Suzanne’s lap, gasping as she closes her thighs around Suzanne’s hips, an insistent throbbing between her legs. “I won’t hate you,” she says carefully, and Suzanne looks up at her, eyes dark and face intent.
“Good enough for me,” she says, and pulls Kris down into a kiss. Kris sighs into it, and lets go.
--
Kris sneaks out of Suzanne and Kelsi’s room the next morning, ducking her head and scowling at Kendra’s raised eyebrow. She plugs her phone into the charger, seeing a barrage of new texts popping up and ignores them in favor of a shower, her body aching pleasantly under the hot spray.
She’d expected to feel different, or changed, somehow, after her first time doing - well, anything with a girl. Not that they’d gone any further than some heavy making out, but it was definitely more than anything Kris had done before. But she still feels like herself - not any older, or wiser, or mature or whatever. She still feels like Kris - a slightly wilted, pathetic version of Kris, the sting from the night before still relatively fresh - but still Kris, all the same.
She and Suzanne had agreed to keep it between them, for both their sakes - and for that matter, to keep it as a one-night-only thing, as well. In the light of day, Kris feels a little guilty about it, thinking of Suzanne’s straightforward words in the cafeteria that day, but she had sent Kris off that morning with a genuine smile and a hug, seeming to be perfectly okay with everything. That seems okay to Kris.
This, however, doesn’t stop everyone from finding out about it, because apparently, Kris’s life is open for public discussion no matter what she does.
“So you and Suze, huh?” Cale says, scooting up behind her in line at the cafeteria. “Thought you and Adam had a thing.”
Kris nearly drops her tray. “What?” She darts her eyes around anxiously. “Who told you that?”
Cale looks as if he can’t decide whether to laugh at her or pat her on the head. “You both have giant, obvious hickeys,” he says. “All over your neck. Like - yeah. It’s not that hard to figure out.” He pauses, grin tugging at the corner of his mouth. “Also, you just told me.”
Kris claps one hand to her collar, trying pull it up farther, and Cale really does laugh at her then. “Shut up,” she says, and he just laughs harder.
“So are you and Suze dating?” Kelsi asks her, later that day in the Student Union while Kris is checking her mail. “Cuz if you guys wanna be alone in the room sometimes, just let me know and we can like, do up a schedule or something.”
“We’re not dating,” Kris says, cheeks burning. “Last night was just - um. No, we’re not dating.” Kelsi just looks at her a little skeptically, popping her gum thoughtfully.
Kris hopes that’s the end of it, but Cale has a big fat mouth, and Brad calls her a couple days later.
“Now, I promised myself I wouldn’t get involved, but I’m a little concerned, honeybunches,” he says. “Rebounds are bad news, for all parties involved, and I say that from experience.”
“We’re not dating,” Kris insists, thinking she should have that freaking sentence engraved on her tombstone. “Seriously. It was just a - thing. Didn’t go any farther than the other night, I promise.”
“Well, okay,” Brad says skeptically. “If you’re sure. But if you wanted to make out with someone, for God’s sake, why didn’t you ask me? I know I’m not your type, but I have a very girlish figure. We could’ve made it work.”
Kris snorts. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
“See that you do,” Brad replies decisively.
By the time the week is over, almost every single person Kris knows has brought up the subject, with varying amounts of exaggeration (“Did you really have kinky public sex with your next-door neighbor in the middle of the quad last weekend?” Sasha asks, on their weekly coffee date, “because that’s what I heard.”). Even Katy brings it up.
“Since when are you and Suzanne dating?” she asks.
“We’re not, and how the hell do you know about that?”
“I saw it on Facebook,” Katy replies simply, and Kris groans.
The only person who doesn’t bring it up is Adam, conspicuously. Which is - odd, and makes Kris very, very nervous.
“Maybe she’s jealous,” Suzanne suggests, lounging on Kris’s futon one afternoon, flipping through the channels on the TV compulsively.
Kris snorts. “Dream a little dream.”
“Seriously,” Suzanne counters, “everyone found about it, since we apparently suck at keeping secrets. She has to know. Why hasn’t she said anything? Have you even talked to her yet?”
Kris picks at her thumbnail thoughtfully, staring dully at her open science textbook. “We’ve texted back and forth a bit,” she replies. “Nothing serious, though. Just stupid stuff.”
“She’s probably jealous,” Suzanne says sagely. “She’s probably angsting about it right now. Picturing us together, our hands all over each other, bosoms heaving, sweat sticking to our skin - “
Kris throws a pillow at her, laughing. “You’re twisted.”
“I’m thinking of a backup career in porn,” Suzanne says breezily, grabbing the pillow and adding it to the pile beneath her head. “Hey - if you wanted, I could start leaving you sexy messages on your Facebook wall, that’d probably make her blow her top.”
“Thanks, but no,” Kris says dryly. “My mother has a Facebook now, you know.”
“Oooh,” Suzanne replies, shuddering. “Never mind then.”
She and Adam have tickets to a ska Killers cover band for that weekend, which sounds incredibly odd but really is not anything close to the most bizarre thing that Adam has taken Kris to so far (that’d be the vampire coven potluck. Which was exactly what it sounds like - people who thought they were vampires - having a potluck. Kris had a nightmare that night involving black lipstick and potato salad). But as Saturday draws closer and closer and she still doesn’t hear from Adam beyond a few pointless texts (I HATE BALLPOINT PENS, Thursday, three-thirteen AM, Kris still doesn’t understand what that was all about) she starts to get nervous.
We still on for 2m night? she sends, walking back from her last class on Friday afternoon. It takes just a few short seconds before her phone buzzes in response.
Duh, Adam sends, pick u up @ 6. wear something SEXAY
Kris smiles, a little relieved, and starts to mentally go through her wardrobe. Is there a difference between “sexy” and “sexay?” She should ask Brad.
Adam rolls up in her ridiculous car, twenty minutes after six, as usual. She’s actually a little early, by Adam standards, and Kris is taken aback.
“You were almost just a little bit late,” Kris comments, sliding into the front seat, “instead of incredibly late.”
“I thought I’d make an effort,” Adam comments, looking sidelong at Kris’s legs, bare in a shorter-than-usual skirt.
“What?” Kris asks, a little self-consciously, tugging the edges down. “Brad picked it out for me. Does it look okay?”
“Yup, yes,” Adam says quickly, turning away and gunning the engine, cutting off a black SUV in the parking lot. “You look great.”
Kris frowns, this is weird. “Okay,” she says slowly, “thanks.”
Conversation between them is stilted, something throwing off the balance. Kris doesn’t know what the problem is, and chatters to fill up the silence, slightly intimidated in a way that she hasn’t been since that first day. Adam is quiet, acknowledging Kris with little nods and non-committal responses, eyes glued to the road, driving more recklessly than usual.
When they get to the venue, a tiny karaoke bar, Adam speeds away immediately to get drinks, leaving Kris standing uncertainly inside the door.
She grabs a table, far away from the stage, tracking Adam through the relatively thin crowd with her eyes. Adam’s pretty tall, and has a newly-dyed bright red streak in her hair that makes her easy to spot. She’s also wearing a bright blue pleather jacket that would look ridiculous on anyone else, but Adam’s style is adventurous, to say the least, and she makes it work.
“You kind of look like an American flag,” Kris comments, when Adam returns, two martinis in hand. “With the hair and the - ” she gestures to the jacket, mouth quirking up as Adam’s expression goes slack in horror.
“Oh God,” she says, “I do. Ew.” She strips the jacket off and throws it in the booth, shuddering. Underneath, she’s wearing a tamer black tank top with glitter lined along the neckline. Her make up is less brazen than usual tonight, too, just a hint of eyeshadow and lipstick, and she looks less like Kris’s crazy friend Adam and more like a normal girl for a change - whatever normal means, anyway. “Better?” Kris runs her eyes quickly over Adam’s freckled shoulders, the hint of a white bra strap peeking out from beneath the material and gulps, grabbing for her drink quickly.
“Yup,” she says, looking away. “Much.” Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Adam nod in satisfaction.
They’re a little early, the band still setting up on the tiny stage, and they force wooden conversation, some kind of unspoken wedge still between them. Kris almost just comes right out and asks Adam if she’s angry or something, close to three separate times, but she bites her tongue, not wanting to make the situation any worse, a painful tugging in her chest with every awkward smile and overly formal sentence that pops out of Adam’s mouth.
“So,” Adam says at one point, tracing one silver fingernail around the rim of her glass, “Tommy and I broke it off.”
Kris’s heart lurches. “You did?” she says, trying for casual. She thinks she pulls it off.
“Yeah. It was one of those really weird, out of nowhere things, you know? Fun while it lasted, but.” She shrugs. “It only lasted like, a week, so.” She laughs shortly. “We’re still friends, though - he’s a really good guy. And a great bass player - I meant what I said the other night, you know, you should call him, set up a jam session or something. I mean, you never know, right?”
Kris nods, processing the information. “Maybe,” she says noncommittally. “I’ll have to talk to Cale about it.”
“Yeah, so, sorry I kinda sprung him on you,” Adam says, a little abruptly, avoiding Kris’s eyes. “I didn’t know he was coming, that night. I was gonna tell you about him, I just didn’t really get a chance.”
Kris really wants to say, what, so you can text me about your hatred for ballpoint pens and every other random thought you have, but you can’t spare a moment to say ‘oh hey Kris, I got a boyfriend, FYI’? She resists the urge courageously. “That’s okay,” she says. “Are you okay?”
“What? Oh yeah.” Adam shakes her head, laughing. “It so wasn’t anything serious, believe me. I think it was more like - we met, and we hit it off as friends so well that we just got overexcited, you know.” She shakes her head ruefully. “Still, it was kind of weird of me to not tell you. I wasn’t trying to like, hide it from you or anything.”
“Oh,” Kris says, “I didn’t think you were, or anything.” Mostly she had just thought about all the different ways she could maim Tommy’s stupid face - anything else beyond that hadn’t even crossed her mind.
“If,” Adam starts, and then clears her throat, “if you were to, um, date somebody. I hope you’d tell me.” She looks up at Kris meaningfully.
Kris takes a calm sip of her drink, setting it carefully down on the tabletop. “Okay,” she says slowly, trying to keep her voice even and free of anger.
“Just so I wouldn’t have to hear it from someone else,” Adam continues, “I would think we were close enough friends to get that kind of news firsthand, you know. Whatever.” She waves her hand. “Um. Forget that, what I just said. That sounded bitchy.”
“No,” Kris says, “what do you mean?” Adam looks away, shrugging. “Adam, what do you mean?” she asks, a little more forcefully.
“Nothing,” Adam replies, a little sharply. “How does Suzanne feel about you going out with me tonight? She seems like the possessive type to me.”
Kris stares at her incredulously. “She is,” she says, a little meanly, just to watch Adam flinch, “with people she’s you know, actually dating.”
Adam’s eyes widen comically. “You’re not dating?” she says, “but Brad said - “ she cuts off, cheeks flushing marginally.
Kris groans internally. Stupid Brad and his stupid meddling. “Well, we’re not,” she says shortly. “Thanks for assuming, though.”
“I just - “ Adam says, breaking off uncertainly. “Well, how was I supposed to know? You two always seemed pretty cozy.“
The accent on that last sentence sounds a whole lot like jealousy to Kris, and she isn’t sure whether to feel irritated or hopeful. “If I had a girlfriend, I would tell you, Adam,” she says neutrally.
“Right. Right,” Adam mutters, almost to herself. “Of course you would. Rumors, right?” She shakes her head. “How did he come up with that one?”
Kris sighs. “Because Suzanne and I - ” she trails off, unsure of how to word it, and watches Adam stiffen noticeably across the table. “Well, we kinda had a - a thing.”
“A thing?” Adam repeats, a little shrilly. “What the hell does that mean?”
“It means - I don’t know what it means,” Kris says defensively. “It didn’t mean anything, it was just a - a comfort thing, I guess. We were both - lonely, one night, and we - “
“You slept together?” Adam asks sharply, voice louder than is strictly appropriate.
Kris recoils. “No,” she snaps. “Not that it’s any of your business.”
“Right,” Adam says, clipped, grabbing her jacket, scrambling for her purse with jerky movements.
“What are you doing?” Adam just shakes her head, sliding out of the booth, avoiding looking at Kris, heels loud on the cement floor of the bar. “Adam, where are you going? Adam!” Kris rolls her eyes, grabbing her own purse and scuttling out of the booth, jogging after Adam, pushing through the crowd towards the front doors.
She gets sidetracked by the crowd of people near the doors, finally weaving her way through and bursting out the front doors. Looking around, she doesn’t spot Adam anywhere, and she stamps her foot in frustration. If Adam just left her here, she’s gonna be so fucking pissed.
She starts walking in the direction of the car, anger propelling her footsteps, making them fall sharp and loud on the pavement. A scuffle draws her attention as she passes the alley that leads to the back door of the club and she stops short, peering around the corner intently.
Adam’s leaning against the wall, jacket and purse in a colorful heap at her feet. There’s a lit cigarette burning in one hand, and the other is over her eyes, head downturned, hair falling around her face. At the sound of Kris’s footsteps, she looks up, startled, and Kris realizes she’s crying, mascara smudging messily around her eyes.
“Adam?” Kris asks tentatively, walking over and stopping short a few steps away.
“Kris,” Adam says, voice choked, “just, give me a minute, okay, please.” She wipes at her eyes, turning her face away, shoulders hunching.
“Adam,” Kris says, more insistently, ignoring her. “Stop. What’s wrong?”
Adam just laughs bitterly and takes a short drag from her cigarette.
“I’m sorry,” Kris says regretfully, “I - I didn’t mean to hide it from you or anything, or yell at you or make you feel bad - ” she trails off helplessly. “It was just - nothing, you know? Like you hook up with girls all the time, I didn’t think it would be a big deal, so I don’t understand why you’re - ” Kris trails off again, unsure of the right word to complete the sentence.
Adam groans. “Kris, please,” she says, knocking the back of her head against the brick, eyes turned to the sky. “I’ve already humiliated myself enough tonight, okay, please, please just let it go?”
Kris feels a surge of determination and closes the space between them, watching Adam stiffen at the proximity. “I don’t wanna let it go,” she says stubbornly. “I wanna talk about it.”
“Of course you do,” Adam says resignedly. “Of course you wanna talk about it, of course. Okay. Let’s go somewhere quiet where we can talk all about your little one night stand with Suzanne.” She takes another drag, expression shuttered off and closed. “Yeah, that sounds awesome.”
“Yeah, and maybe we can talk about you and Tommy too,” Kris snaps. “Considering that was a one week stand, I think you win.” She purses her lips angrily, crossing her arms over her chest. “And that girl last month, that you met at the Pink concert, and the other one from that club, and the other one from the other club - yeah, Adam. You totally have room to talk.”
Adam’s eyes spark, face shifting marginally, and before Kris has a chance to react she reaches out with one hand to grab Kris’s neck, slanting their mouths together forcefully.
Kris’s head spins, and it takes her about five very long, drawn out seconds to process the tang of Adam’s perfume, the smoke from her cigarette, the grip of her hand at the nape of her neck, the silky warmth of her mouth, before she regains the power of higher thought and wrenches away vehemently.
“Don’t,” Kris gasps, staggering backwards, hands shaking, and Adam’s face falls. “Don’t - don’t do that to me, don’t kiss me cuz you’re angry or whatever - “
“That’s not why,” Adam cuts in, face changing like quicksilver again. She tosses her cigarette away carelessly. “That’s not why I kissed you,” she repeats, voice throatier than usual, hitting Kris in the knees.
“Then why?” Kris demands, sliding the back of her hand across her mouth, watching Adam’s expression sharpen with intent.
“Because - “ Adam starts, pausing. “Because you’re beautiful,” she says, voice a little thin, a little nervous. “Because you’re wearing that ridiculous skirt and I can’t stop looking at your legs, and because you have a fucking hickey on your neck and it makes me want to murder Suzanne with my bare hands.”
Kris’s breath hitches, and she starts shivering, heat prickling beneath her skin insistently. “Because you’re jealous,” she replies, a little unsurely, “and because I’m hot?”
“No. Yes. No, I,” Adam says, “that’s - because I can talk to you about anything,” she says, taking a deep breath. “And because - you make really good omelets, and my friends love you and you love my friends, and because you’re so talented and smart and brave, and sweet and kind, too, and - and because I want to be around you all the time.” Kris stares at her, frozen, eyes wide. “And because I want you to move in with me, every time you sleep over I think about it. And sometimes when you don’t. And I want you to meet my family. And I want to meet yours, too, and Katy, and thank them for letting you move here so I could - ” Adam trails off, swallowing thickly. “Because I just - want you.”
Kris feels a little dizzy, with happiness and love and want and exasperation and a pushing thought of finally, Jesus, finally. “I want you too,” she says, pushing the words through a dry throat, and Adam smiles, a little tremulously, but sweetly and genuinely, too. “And I want all that stuff, too. Plus a whole lot of other stuff, probably more embarrassing and mushy and - ” Kris trails off, shaking her head. “Is this - really happening?” She laughs, bringing her hands to her cheeks. “I feel like I might be dreaming.”
“No,” Adam says, stepping forward and pulling Kris’s hands away from her face. “No, it’s happening,” she says softly, and kisses Kris again.
Kris melts into it, opening her mouth instinctually, shivering with every inch of her body. Adam moves in closer, wrapping her arms around Kris and deepening the kiss, biting gently at the line of Kris’s lips, little nips that make Kris’s pulse jump. Kris clutches on to her waist, clenching her fingers in the silky material of the tank top.
“Adam,” Kris mumbles, as Adam pulls away, trailing down to Kris’s neck with her teeth, hands everywhere. “Adam, holy crap.”
Adam laughs musically. “I know.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” Kris asks desperately, gasping as Adam presses them together, her breasts pushing against Kris’s insistently.
“I wasn’t sure,” Adam murmurs, rocking them back and forth gently. “I didn’t think - you’d just come out, and I thought maybe you were just. I don’t know.” She pulls her head up, cupping Kris’s cheeks in her hands. “I’m sorry. It’s stupid. I’m stupid. We’re stupid.”
Kris nods enthusiastically. “All our friends think we’re stupid too,” she says, and Adam laughs, smushing their noses together, foreheads pressed close.
“And as of right now, Cassidy owes Brad fifty bucks,” she replies, “and a neck massage. Poor bastard.”
“Adam,” Kris whispers, “I don’t wanna talk about Cassidy and Brad right now.”
“Oh, good,” Adam replies, and kisses her again, licking the edges of her smile and laughing into her chin.
Kris threads their fingers together at their sides, faint music from the club behind them providing a bass line to the pounding of her heart. A burst of wind curls around them restlessly, and Adam pulls her closer, still giggling, hands wide and strong on her back, and Kris tips her head back and laughs along.
part one | part two
Midterms sneak up out of nowhere, and Kris realizes with a jolt one morning that this is actually her life now, she lives in Los Angeles, and she’s happy here, and it’s - so incredibly amazing. She smiles all the time now, and Katy still doesn’t believe her when she says that, but whatever. It’s totally true.
Her crush on Adam, however, does not dissipate. In actuality, it grows, until it’s this huge big unable-to-be-ignored issue, that freaking everybody knows about because Kris can’t catch a freakin break. Even Cale comments on it, and he’s about as dense as brick when it comes to that sort of stuff.
“Hey, are you and Adam dating or what?” he asks one afternoon, and Kris just groans, covering her eyes with her arm. “What?”
“So,” she tells Katy one Saturday afternoon, lying on Adam’s couch on the phone, waiting for her to return with food from the store. “I’m kind of in love with Adam.”
“Yeah, what else is new,” Katy replies.
“No ‘I told you so’?”
Katy huffs. “Kris,” she says, affronted, “I am not that mean. But. Well, okay, I totally told you so.”
Kris groans. “What do I do?”
“Wow,” Katy replies. “What a stupid question.”
“Hey,” Kris says, “I thought you weren’t mean.”
Katy just laughs. “Kris, honey, if you can’t figure out the answer to that question than I need to seriously reevaluate your intelligence.” Kris scowls and hangs up on her.
She can sort of ignore it, most of the time. She and Adam have fallen into this pattern, like sort of dating but without all the stuff that girlfriends would usually do. Well, romantic girlfriends. Mostly - kissing. And sex. Which, Kris is willing to argue, is possibly the most painful part.
But she and Adam’s friendship is so awesome that she can mostly handle the no sex part, because she gets to see Adam all the time anyway, talking to her on the phone and hanging out at her place and around campus and at the bar with Dani and Cale and Brad and Sasha, and sometimes Lola and Bambi, when they have the night off. It’s enough, it really is. Kris is grateful just to have Adam in her life, because she honestly doesn’t know if she would’ve survived her first month or so in LA without her.
It becomes a little harder to ignore it, however, when Suzanne asks her out.
“I know you and Adam have this weird - thing,” Suzanne says, over dinner one night in the caf. “But you keep saying that you’re not dating her, and you know - it’s been a couple months, so I figured - why not?” She grins, twirling her fork around in her plate of pasta idly, eyes on Kris’s face.
Kris barely manages to keep from blushing, taking a gulp of water to distract herself. “I, um, didn’t know you liked me - that way,” she says.
“I flirt with you like, all the time,” Suzanne says.
It’s true. She does. “I thought that was just like - your personality, though,” Kris replies, and Suzanne laughs.
“This is why I like you,” she says. “No, it’s just you, Kris. I like you.” She reaches out, laying a hand on Kris’s wrist, and Kris has to resist the urge to pull away. “And listen, I’m not asking for anything complicated or anything, I know you and Adam are - you and Adam.” She quirks a small smile. “I’m just - offering, in the mean time, I guess. In case you ever wanted to have some fun. That’s all.”
Kris’s brain, and her hormones, start spinning crazily at the potential definitions of ‘fun,’ but she gulps, letting her eyes fall to her plate. “I don’t - um.” She stops herself, gulping. There’s a huge difference between just accepting the status quo with Adam, and actively turning down other offers, like she’s - pining, or something. It’s a line she’s about to cross, and she realizes it with a sickening drop of her stomach. “I don’t think so,” she says, lifting her chin to look Suzanne in the eye. “I’m sorry.”
Suzanne nods calmly. “Okay,” she says, and lets it go, changing the subject easily. Kris follows the conversation as best she can, feeling a strange sort of lump in her throat.
She doesn’t tell Adam about it, unsure of the exact reason why. She doesn’t tell anyone, actually, even Katy, who would just give Kris another long lecture on how she should tell Adam before it’s too late and how not telling her is actually more selfish than Kris thinks, and blah blah blah, how she lives halfway across the country and manages to be even more annoying than she’d been in high school is a mystery to Kris.
The next week is Adam’s show, anyway, a production of Hairspray at a community theatre. Kris has been to a few rehearsals, and she’s gotta say, Adam makes a fucking awesome villain.
“It’s in my nature,” Adam tells her haughtily. “Is my wig on straight?”
“Yes,” Kris says, still trying not to laugh at Blonde-Adam. It’s kind of hilarious.
Opening night, Kris sits in the front row next to Brad and Danielle, singing along loudly with every song and yelling extra loud at the curtain call. Maybe Kris is imagining it, but Adam gets even more applause than anyone else, even the girl who played Tracy, who had this crazy awesome voice that rivaled Adam’s in pure power.
After, they head backstage for the cast party, Brad sneaking off the bar and procuring a drink for Kris without even being asked.
“Please,” he says, “you are my very favorite friend, don’t tell Adam, and what kind of lush would I be if I didn’t promote underage drinking?” Kris toasts him with a grin, slapping his ass as he scurries off in search of the hot boy who played Link.
Danielle had disappeared a while back, and so Kris drifts, half searching for Adam, half floating through the crowd. It’s a relatively small number of people, but the combined awesome factor of everyone in the room could beat out the entire town of Conway, plus maybe a couple of the surrounding towns, combined. It’s like that everywhere in LA - Kris still isn’t quite used to it, but she definitely loves it a whole lot.
She’s chatting with a tipsy Wilbur Turnblad, aka Gary, when she finally spots Adam, hanging by the bar in a crowd of people, still in costume, although the wig has apparently been abandoned. She’s laughing, head thrown back like she does when she finds something really funny, and Kris’s heart melts a little at the sight.
Then, a guy walks up behind her, sliding an arm around her shoulders, and all the melting turns instantly to ice.
Adam’s sexuality is something that Kris has never quite understood completely - no matter how many times they’ve talked about it, it’s never been quite clear if Adam is gay, or bisexual, or what. She keeps saying she doesn’t like labels, which is - fine, with Kris, but she also seems like she’s aware that she isn’t straight, and so many times that they’ve discussed Kris’s gayness or her coming out or whatever, Adam has chimed in with her own experiences, unconsciously associating them with Kris’s.
But, she dates guys, too. Not as often as girls (something Kris had found out from Danielle, who had snorted in disbelief at Adam’s “50/50” explanation) but still, from time to time. She hasn’t been dating anyone though, since Kris has come to LA - and apart from a few hookups, all with women, Kris hasn’t really seen her with anyone in a romantic context at all.
Which apparently, has changed, if the looks of this situation are correct. Kris excuses herself from her conversation with Gary, hiding in a corner and staring unabashedly, unable to stop herself.
It’s obviously a boyfriend guy, instead of just a friend guy, and obviously not the first date, just from their body language. He’s skinny, kind of short, with a half-mohawk and dark eye makeup. He’s got a sort of gritty, glam rock thing going on, which is - exactly the type of guy that Kris would picture Adam dating, if she were going to date a guy. Which apparently she is. As she watches, Adam turns to the guy, leaning in and pressing a kiss to his mouth that quickly turns heated, and Kris has to look away.
She feels almost - numb, in a way, and when she lifts her arm to take a shaky sip of her drink, it feels like she’s pushing through mud. She debates leaving, just taking off, but Brad had driven, and Kris hasn’t quite figured out the buses yet, so that’s a bad idea. Plus - it’d be rude, right? This is Adam’s opening night. Kris can’t - she can’t let her issues get in the way. Like - Adam can date whoever she wants. That’s fine. Whatever, right? They’re friends. Friends. And Adam - always makes the first move. So. Yes.
“Kris!” Adam spots her finally, breaking away from the guy’s arm briefly to wave her over. “Get over here!”
Kris takes a fortifying breath, gulping down the rest of her drink before heading over, plastering what she hopes is a happy smile on her face. When Adam hugs her, she winces, but manages to hide it. She hopes.
“So?” Adam asks, face wide open and hopeful. She’s obviously drunk, though not obnoxiously so, her voice just this side of too loud. “What’d you think?”
“Amazing,” Kris says forcefully. “Really, Adam. You were fantastic.” Adam grins happily.
“I want you to meet someone,” she says, “I met him uh, last week? I think? Well, whatever - Tommy!” Adam turns, grabbing the guy’s hand and pulling him unceremoniously away from a conversation with someone. “Tommy, this is Kris. She is amazing, the best friend in the world seriously, and she plays guitar.“
Tommy smiles, eyes sparkling. He’s more handsome up close, and when he shakes Kris hand, his expression is kind. Kris wants to knee him in the balls.
“Nice to meet you,” she says instead.
“Tommy plays bass,” Adam says meaningfully. “And he’s looking for a band to play in, right Tommy?”
“Yeah,” Tommy says. “Not anything serious, right now, anyway. But in the future, who knows?” He stuffs his hands in his pockets, shrugging sheepishly. Kris has to fight to keep her expression even.
Frowning a bit at Kris’s odd silence, Adam keeps up the conversation. “Kris is in a band,” she says helpfully. “Sooo - you do see where I’m going with this right? Hello? Bueller?”
“It’s not really a band,” Kris says hastily. “More like - an idea, at this point.”
“Yeah, but it could be more than an idea,” Adam insists, “if you guys wanted it to. It’s just her and this guy Cale, right now,” she says, turning to Tommy, “but they’re both really good. If they’d scrape together some solid bass and drums they’d be set. And Kris,” she says, turning back, “Tommy is solid. Definitely.”
Kris swallows. “That sounds - great,” she says weakly. Adam frowns at her quizzically.
“Well, if you guys are interested,” Tommy says, “we could get together and jam a little. See what happens?”
“Sure,” Kris says, for Adam’s sake. “I mean - Cale and I, we’re students, so we’re not exactly looking to get really ambitious right away or anything - ”
“That’s perfect,” Tommy says, “neither am I. I’ve got a pretty solid studio gig going. I just want something to blow off steam, you know?” He slides one arm around Adam’s waist, pinching her side, making her turn away and giggle. “Besides hanging out with this crazy chick, anyway.”
“Ass,” Adam says, and Kris blinks rapidly, trying to swallow the lump in her throat.
She forces herself to take Tommy’s number, vowing to herself to lose it the first chance she gets, fuck Adam anyway. She spends the rest of the night with Brad, who had apparently struck out with Link, avoiding Adam - and Tommy, glued to her side - as much as possible.
He seems hip to her strategy, and rustles up Danielle, herding them both out of there early. “I’ll text Adam later and apologize,” he says kindly, shooting a meaningful look at Danielle, who sobers, looping her arm through Kris’s in a familiar, comforting motion. “Let’s just go home, babies. It’s been a long night.”
Kris wants so badly to act unaffected, but lays her head on Brad’s shoulder in the car anyway, so beyond grateful for his, and Danielle’s, silent support.
When she gets back to her dorm she feels the numbness slowly seeping away, in its place a tearing, weary sadness. She stands outside her door, unable to force herself to press the combination to open the door, not wanting to face Kendra in any way, shape or form tonight at all.
Instead, she turns on her heel and knocks on Suzanne and Kelsi’s door instead, realizing belatedly that it’s late, and they’re probably asleep. The door opens only seconds after, however, a mildly sleep-ruffled Suzanne smiling bemusedly at Kris, room dark behind her.
“Hey, Kris, what’s up?” she asks, face sobering. “Oh. Is something wrong? You look - “
Kris bursts into tears.
“Oh, Kris,” Suzanne says, shooting a look behind her into the room and stepping out into the hallway, shutting the door behind her and wrapping Kris into a hug. “Shh, honey, shh. It’s okay.” Kris clutches at her, sobbing into her neck, allowing herself to accept the comfort and shutting out the world for a few precious minutes.
When she finally calms down, she pulls away abruptly, wiping at her eyes angrily. “I’m sorry,” she says hoarsely, “I woke you up - “
“No you didn’t,” Suzanne says quickly, “Kelsi was asleep. I was doing homework, though. Don’t worry.” She frowns. “What happened?”
Kris sags, shaking her head wordlessly.
Suzanne hums. “Okay, let’s go to the common room.” She glances at her watch. “It’s late enough, it’ll be empty.”
Kris allows her to lead her down into the common room in the basement of the dorm building, curling up on one of the huge leather couches, the hum of the big air conditioners familiar and comforting.
“So,” Suzanne says, scooting up close, one hand around Kris’s shoulder, “this is about Adam.” Kris nods feebly. “Tell me.”
“She’s dating someone,” Kris says wobbily. “A guy. I met him tonight.”
“Oh, honey,” Suzanne says.
“I just - “ Kris breaks off, shaking her head. “It’s a new thing, it has to be. She said she met him last week, but they were all over each other and - ugh. I’ve seen her hook up with people before, but never guys, and I knew that she dated guys before, I’ve just never seen it, you know, and - I don’t know. I’m an idiot.” She laughs bitterly, propping her elbows on her knees and holding her forehead in her hands. “All this time I’ve been thinking - like expecting something to happen between us, and I didn’t make a move because - well, because of a lot of reasons, but obviously, I waited too long, or maybe Adam just doesn’t want the same thing, or - whatever.”
Suzanne shakes her head fervently. “No, no, Kris,” she says, “Adam does. Trust me, okay. You two are totally obvious.”
“Then why hasn’t she made a move?” Kris demands.
“Why haven’t you?“ Suzanne asks. “Maybe she’s waiting on you.”
Kris shakes her head. “She always makes the first move,” she says weakly, feeling a pang of mixed guilt and shame. “And - God, Suze. I’m scared, okay? I love her. I do, I really love her. I don’t wanna fuck it up. And I have no idea what I’m doing.” She laughs at herself, incredulous and sad. “My dating experience pretty much extends to an unrequited crush on my best friend, a spin the bottle kiss with Lola, and - well, you. How pathetic is that?”
“Not pathetic,” Suzanne insists. “Kris, you are not pathetic.”
“I feel pathetic,” Kris says, letting her head fall back onto Suzanne’s shoulder, sighing as her hand comes up to smooth down Kris’s hair rhythmically. “I feel - really pathetic.”
Suzanne sighs, and Kris feels the motion beneath her cheek. “I know, sweetie,” she says, squeezing her tighter.
They sit in silence, breathing in tandem, the motion of Suzanne’s hand through her hair soothing and almost hypnotic in a way. As she lies against her, Kris slowly becomes aware of the visceral aspects of Suzanne’s body - her pulse, the skin of her neck, slightly sweaty, the swell of her breasts, the strong muscles of her arms. Kris snuggles in closer, squeezing her eyes shut, wanting to block out the memory of Tommy and Adam, replace it with this feeling, the feeling of a body against hers, warm and inviting and kind.
“Kris,” Suzanne says after awhile, voice wary and careful. “Um. Are you - “
“I’m fine,” Kris says quickly, voice muffled by Suzanne’s t-shirt.
She laughs, a little nervously, the motion of it jostling Kris’s cheek. “Right,” she says. “Um, are you - I mean, this isn’t - “
Kris responds by throwing one leg across Suzanne’s, tangling their feet and bringing their thighs into contact. Suzanne’s wearing a pair of sleep shorts, and Kris is in a skirt, and their bare skin slides together smoothly.
“Uh yeah,” Suzanne says, a little shakily, “I can’t decide if I’m really lucky or really fucking stupid right now. Probably both.”
“You said you weren’t looking for anything complicated,” Kris says plaintively, hating the whiny tone to her own voice.
“This is pretty much the definition of complicated, honey,” Suzanne says, wryly, but tangles her fingers in Kris’s hair, shifting closer marginally.
“Look,” Kris says, aiming the words into the skin of Suzanne’s neck, unsure if she’d be able to say them out loud if she were looking her in the eye. “You’re my friend, and I don’t want to hurt you. So you can say no, but - ” she swallows. “I could just really use distracting right now.” She holds her breath, unable to keep herself from adding a soft “please.”
Suzanne is silent for a long moment, fingers tightening in Kris’s hair. “I,” she starts, a little shakily, “think this is a very unhealthy reaction to what happened to you tonight, and that you’re gonna regret this - “
“And I’m really tired of other people telling me how I feel or what’s best for me,” Kris interrupts. “And maybe you should let me decide for myself what I’m going to regret.”
Suzanne nudges Kris, forcing her to sit up and look her in the eye. “Kris,” she says, very seriously, “do you know what you’re doing?”
Kris nods. “Yes.”
Suzanne’s eyes drop to her lips, and somewhere in the foggy haze that is her brain, Kris knows that she’s won. “Just don’t hate me in the morning,” she jokes, but it falls a little flat.
Kris takes a deep breath, lifting herself up deliberately and sliding into Suzanne’s lap, gasping as she closes her thighs around Suzanne’s hips, an insistent throbbing between her legs. “I won’t hate you,” she says carefully, and Suzanne looks up at her, eyes dark and face intent.
“Good enough for me,” she says, and pulls Kris down into a kiss. Kris sighs into it, and lets go.
--
Kris sneaks out of Suzanne and Kelsi’s room the next morning, ducking her head and scowling at Kendra’s raised eyebrow. She plugs her phone into the charger, seeing a barrage of new texts popping up and ignores them in favor of a shower, her body aching pleasantly under the hot spray.
She’d expected to feel different, or changed, somehow, after her first time doing - well, anything with a girl. Not that they’d gone any further than some heavy making out, but it was definitely more than anything Kris had done before. But she still feels like herself - not any older, or wiser, or mature or whatever. She still feels like Kris - a slightly wilted, pathetic version of Kris, the sting from the night before still relatively fresh - but still Kris, all the same.
She and Suzanne had agreed to keep it between them, for both their sakes - and for that matter, to keep it as a one-night-only thing, as well. In the light of day, Kris feels a little guilty about it, thinking of Suzanne’s straightforward words in the cafeteria that day, but she had sent Kris off that morning with a genuine smile and a hug, seeming to be perfectly okay with everything. That seems okay to Kris.
This, however, doesn’t stop everyone from finding out about it, because apparently, Kris’s life is open for public discussion no matter what she does.
“So you and Suze, huh?” Cale says, scooting up behind her in line at the cafeteria. “Thought you and Adam had a thing.”
Kris nearly drops her tray. “What?” She darts her eyes around anxiously. “Who told you that?”
Cale looks as if he can’t decide whether to laugh at her or pat her on the head. “You both have giant, obvious hickeys,” he says. “All over your neck. Like - yeah. It’s not that hard to figure out.” He pauses, grin tugging at the corner of his mouth. “Also, you just told me.”
Kris claps one hand to her collar, trying pull it up farther, and Cale really does laugh at her then. “Shut up,” she says, and he just laughs harder.
“So are you and Suze dating?” Kelsi asks her, later that day in the Student Union while Kris is checking her mail. “Cuz if you guys wanna be alone in the room sometimes, just let me know and we can like, do up a schedule or something.”
“We’re not dating,” Kris says, cheeks burning. “Last night was just - um. No, we’re not dating.” Kelsi just looks at her a little skeptically, popping her gum thoughtfully.
Kris hopes that’s the end of it, but Cale has a big fat mouth, and Brad calls her a couple days later.
“Now, I promised myself I wouldn’t get involved, but I’m a little concerned, honeybunches,” he says. “Rebounds are bad news, for all parties involved, and I say that from experience.”
“We’re not dating,” Kris insists, thinking she should have that freaking sentence engraved on her tombstone. “Seriously. It was just a - thing. Didn’t go any farther than the other night, I promise.”
“Well, okay,” Brad says skeptically. “If you’re sure. But if you wanted to make out with someone, for God’s sake, why didn’t you ask me? I know I’m not your type, but I have a very girlish figure. We could’ve made it work.”
Kris snorts. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
“See that you do,” Brad replies decisively.
By the time the week is over, almost every single person Kris knows has brought up the subject, with varying amounts of exaggeration (“Did you really have kinky public sex with your next-door neighbor in the middle of the quad last weekend?” Sasha asks, on their weekly coffee date, “because that’s what I heard.”). Even Katy brings it up.
“Since when are you and Suzanne dating?” she asks.
“We’re not, and how the hell do you know about that?”
“I saw it on Facebook,” Katy replies simply, and Kris groans.
The only person who doesn’t bring it up is Adam, conspicuously. Which is - odd, and makes Kris very, very nervous.
“Maybe she’s jealous,” Suzanne suggests, lounging on Kris’s futon one afternoon, flipping through the channels on the TV compulsively.
Kris snorts. “Dream a little dream.”
“Seriously,” Suzanne counters, “everyone found about it, since we apparently suck at keeping secrets. She has to know. Why hasn’t she said anything? Have you even talked to her yet?”
Kris picks at her thumbnail thoughtfully, staring dully at her open science textbook. “We’ve texted back and forth a bit,” she replies. “Nothing serious, though. Just stupid stuff.”
“She’s probably jealous,” Suzanne says sagely. “She’s probably angsting about it right now. Picturing us together, our hands all over each other, bosoms heaving, sweat sticking to our skin - “
Kris throws a pillow at her, laughing. “You’re twisted.”
“I’m thinking of a backup career in porn,” Suzanne says breezily, grabbing the pillow and adding it to the pile beneath her head. “Hey - if you wanted, I could start leaving you sexy messages on your Facebook wall, that’d probably make her blow her top.”
“Thanks, but no,” Kris says dryly. “My mother has a Facebook now, you know.”
“Oooh,” Suzanne replies, shuddering. “Never mind then.”
She and Adam have tickets to a ska Killers cover band for that weekend, which sounds incredibly odd but really is not anything close to the most bizarre thing that Adam has taken Kris to so far (that’d be the vampire coven potluck. Which was exactly what it sounds like - people who thought they were vampires - having a potluck. Kris had a nightmare that night involving black lipstick and potato salad). But as Saturday draws closer and closer and she still doesn’t hear from Adam beyond a few pointless texts (I HATE BALLPOINT PENS, Thursday, three-thirteen AM, Kris still doesn’t understand what that was all about) she starts to get nervous.
We still on for 2m night? she sends, walking back from her last class on Friday afternoon. It takes just a few short seconds before her phone buzzes in response.
Duh, Adam sends, pick u up @ 6. wear something SEXAY
Kris smiles, a little relieved, and starts to mentally go through her wardrobe. Is there a difference between “sexy” and “sexay?” She should ask Brad.
Adam rolls up in her ridiculous car, twenty minutes after six, as usual. She’s actually a little early, by Adam standards, and Kris is taken aback.
“You were almost just a little bit late,” Kris comments, sliding into the front seat, “instead of incredibly late.”
“I thought I’d make an effort,” Adam comments, looking sidelong at Kris’s legs, bare in a shorter-than-usual skirt.
“What?” Kris asks, a little self-consciously, tugging the edges down. “Brad picked it out for me. Does it look okay?”
“Yup, yes,” Adam says quickly, turning away and gunning the engine, cutting off a black SUV in the parking lot. “You look great.”
Kris frowns, this is weird. “Okay,” she says slowly, “thanks.”
Conversation between them is stilted, something throwing off the balance. Kris doesn’t know what the problem is, and chatters to fill up the silence, slightly intimidated in a way that she hasn’t been since that first day. Adam is quiet, acknowledging Kris with little nods and non-committal responses, eyes glued to the road, driving more recklessly than usual.
When they get to the venue, a tiny karaoke bar, Adam speeds away immediately to get drinks, leaving Kris standing uncertainly inside the door.
She grabs a table, far away from the stage, tracking Adam through the relatively thin crowd with her eyes. Adam’s pretty tall, and has a newly-dyed bright red streak in her hair that makes her easy to spot. She’s also wearing a bright blue pleather jacket that would look ridiculous on anyone else, but Adam’s style is adventurous, to say the least, and she makes it work.
“You kind of look like an American flag,” Kris comments, when Adam returns, two martinis in hand. “With the hair and the - ” she gestures to the jacket, mouth quirking up as Adam’s expression goes slack in horror.
“Oh God,” she says, “I do. Ew.” She strips the jacket off and throws it in the booth, shuddering. Underneath, she’s wearing a tamer black tank top with glitter lined along the neckline. Her make up is less brazen than usual tonight, too, just a hint of eyeshadow and lipstick, and she looks less like Kris’s crazy friend Adam and more like a normal girl for a change - whatever normal means, anyway. “Better?” Kris runs her eyes quickly over Adam’s freckled shoulders, the hint of a white bra strap peeking out from beneath the material and gulps, grabbing for her drink quickly.
“Yup,” she says, looking away. “Much.” Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Adam nod in satisfaction.
They’re a little early, the band still setting up on the tiny stage, and they force wooden conversation, some kind of unspoken wedge still between them. Kris almost just comes right out and asks Adam if she’s angry or something, close to three separate times, but she bites her tongue, not wanting to make the situation any worse, a painful tugging in her chest with every awkward smile and overly formal sentence that pops out of Adam’s mouth.
“So,” Adam says at one point, tracing one silver fingernail around the rim of her glass, “Tommy and I broke it off.”
Kris’s heart lurches. “You did?” she says, trying for casual. She thinks she pulls it off.
“Yeah. It was one of those really weird, out of nowhere things, you know? Fun while it lasted, but.” She shrugs. “It only lasted like, a week, so.” She laughs shortly. “We’re still friends, though - he’s a really good guy. And a great bass player - I meant what I said the other night, you know, you should call him, set up a jam session or something. I mean, you never know, right?”
Kris nods, processing the information. “Maybe,” she says noncommittally. “I’ll have to talk to Cale about it.”
“Yeah, so, sorry I kinda sprung him on you,” Adam says, a little abruptly, avoiding Kris’s eyes. “I didn’t know he was coming, that night. I was gonna tell you about him, I just didn’t really get a chance.”
Kris really wants to say, what, so you can text me about your hatred for ballpoint pens and every other random thought you have, but you can’t spare a moment to say ‘oh hey Kris, I got a boyfriend, FYI’? She resists the urge courageously. “That’s okay,” she says. “Are you okay?”
“What? Oh yeah.” Adam shakes her head, laughing. “It so wasn’t anything serious, believe me. I think it was more like - we met, and we hit it off as friends so well that we just got overexcited, you know.” She shakes her head ruefully. “Still, it was kind of weird of me to not tell you. I wasn’t trying to like, hide it from you or anything.”
“Oh,” Kris says, “I didn’t think you were, or anything.” Mostly she had just thought about all the different ways she could maim Tommy’s stupid face - anything else beyond that hadn’t even crossed her mind.
“If,” Adam starts, and then clears her throat, “if you were to, um, date somebody. I hope you’d tell me.” She looks up at Kris meaningfully.
Kris takes a calm sip of her drink, setting it carefully down on the tabletop. “Okay,” she says slowly, trying to keep her voice even and free of anger.
“Just so I wouldn’t have to hear it from someone else,” Adam continues, “I would think we were close enough friends to get that kind of news firsthand, you know. Whatever.” She waves her hand. “Um. Forget that, what I just said. That sounded bitchy.”
“No,” Kris says, “what do you mean?” Adam looks away, shrugging. “Adam, what do you mean?” she asks, a little more forcefully.
“Nothing,” Adam replies, a little sharply. “How does Suzanne feel about you going out with me tonight? She seems like the possessive type to me.”
Kris stares at her incredulously. “She is,” she says, a little meanly, just to watch Adam flinch, “with people she’s you know, actually dating.”
Adam’s eyes widen comically. “You’re not dating?” she says, “but Brad said - “ she cuts off, cheeks flushing marginally.
Kris groans internally. Stupid Brad and his stupid meddling. “Well, we’re not,” she says shortly. “Thanks for assuming, though.”
“I just - “ Adam says, breaking off uncertainly. “Well, how was I supposed to know? You two always seemed pretty cozy.“
The accent on that last sentence sounds a whole lot like jealousy to Kris, and she isn’t sure whether to feel irritated or hopeful. “If I had a girlfriend, I would tell you, Adam,” she says neutrally.
“Right. Right,” Adam mutters, almost to herself. “Of course you would. Rumors, right?” She shakes her head. “How did he come up with that one?”
Kris sighs. “Because Suzanne and I - ” she trails off, unsure of how to word it, and watches Adam stiffen noticeably across the table. “Well, we kinda had a - a thing.”
“A thing?” Adam repeats, a little shrilly. “What the hell does that mean?”
“It means - I don’t know what it means,” Kris says defensively. “It didn’t mean anything, it was just a - a comfort thing, I guess. We were both - lonely, one night, and we - “
“You slept together?” Adam asks sharply, voice louder than is strictly appropriate.
Kris recoils. “No,” she snaps. “Not that it’s any of your business.”
“Right,” Adam says, clipped, grabbing her jacket, scrambling for her purse with jerky movements.
“What are you doing?” Adam just shakes her head, sliding out of the booth, avoiding looking at Kris, heels loud on the cement floor of the bar. “Adam, where are you going? Adam!” Kris rolls her eyes, grabbing her own purse and scuttling out of the booth, jogging after Adam, pushing through the crowd towards the front doors.
She gets sidetracked by the crowd of people near the doors, finally weaving her way through and bursting out the front doors. Looking around, she doesn’t spot Adam anywhere, and she stamps her foot in frustration. If Adam just left her here, she’s gonna be so fucking pissed.
She starts walking in the direction of the car, anger propelling her footsteps, making them fall sharp and loud on the pavement. A scuffle draws her attention as she passes the alley that leads to the back door of the club and she stops short, peering around the corner intently.
Adam’s leaning against the wall, jacket and purse in a colorful heap at her feet. There’s a lit cigarette burning in one hand, and the other is over her eyes, head downturned, hair falling around her face. At the sound of Kris’s footsteps, she looks up, startled, and Kris realizes she’s crying, mascara smudging messily around her eyes.
“Adam?” Kris asks tentatively, walking over and stopping short a few steps away.
“Kris,” Adam says, voice choked, “just, give me a minute, okay, please.” She wipes at her eyes, turning her face away, shoulders hunching.
“Adam,” Kris says, more insistently, ignoring her. “Stop. What’s wrong?”
Adam just laughs bitterly and takes a short drag from her cigarette.
“I’m sorry,” Kris says regretfully, “I - I didn’t mean to hide it from you or anything, or yell at you or make you feel bad - ” she trails off helplessly. “It was just - nothing, you know? Like you hook up with girls all the time, I didn’t think it would be a big deal, so I don’t understand why you’re - ” Kris trails off again, unsure of the right word to complete the sentence.
Adam groans. “Kris, please,” she says, knocking the back of her head against the brick, eyes turned to the sky. “I’ve already humiliated myself enough tonight, okay, please, please just let it go?”
Kris feels a surge of determination and closes the space between them, watching Adam stiffen at the proximity. “I don’t wanna let it go,” she says stubbornly. “I wanna talk about it.”
“Of course you do,” Adam says resignedly. “Of course you wanna talk about it, of course. Okay. Let’s go somewhere quiet where we can talk all about your little one night stand with Suzanne.” She takes another drag, expression shuttered off and closed. “Yeah, that sounds awesome.”
“Yeah, and maybe we can talk about you and Tommy too,” Kris snaps. “Considering that was a one week stand, I think you win.” She purses her lips angrily, crossing her arms over her chest. “And that girl last month, that you met at the Pink concert, and the other one from that club, and the other one from the other club - yeah, Adam. You totally have room to talk.”
Adam’s eyes spark, face shifting marginally, and before Kris has a chance to react she reaches out with one hand to grab Kris’s neck, slanting their mouths together forcefully.
Kris’s head spins, and it takes her about five very long, drawn out seconds to process the tang of Adam’s perfume, the smoke from her cigarette, the grip of her hand at the nape of her neck, the silky warmth of her mouth, before she regains the power of higher thought and wrenches away vehemently.
“Don’t,” Kris gasps, staggering backwards, hands shaking, and Adam’s face falls. “Don’t - don’t do that to me, don’t kiss me cuz you’re angry or whatever - “
“That’s not why,” Adam cuts in, face changing like quicksilver again. She tosses her cigarette away carelessly. “That’s not why I kissed you,” she repeats, voice throatier than usual, hitting Kris in the knees.
“Then why?” Kris demands, sliding the back of her hand across her mouth, watching Adam’s expression sharpen with intent.
“Because - “ Adam starts, pausing. “Because you’re beautiful,” she says, voice a little thin, a little nervous. “Because you’re wearing that ridiculous skirt and I can’t stop looking at your legs, and because you have a fucking hickey on your neck and it makes me want to murder Suzanne with my bare hands.”
Kris’s breath hitches, and she starts shivering, heat prickling beneath her skin insistently. “Because you’re jealous,” she replies, a little unsurely, “and because I’m hot?”
“No. Yes. No, I,” Adam says, “that’s - because I can talk to you about anything,” she says, taking a deep breath. “And because - you make really good omelets, and my friends love you and you love my friends, and because you’re so talented and smart and brave, and sweet and kind, too, and - and because I want to be around you all the time.” Kris stares at her, frozen, eyes wide. “And because I want you to move in with me, every time you sleep over I think about it. And sometimes when you don’t. And I want you to meet my family. And I want to meet yours, too, and Katy, and thank them for letting you move here so I could - ” Adam trails off, swallowing thickly. “Because I just - want you.”
Kris feels a little dizzy, with happiness and love and want and exasperation and a pushing thought of finally, Jesus, finally. “I want you too,” she says, pushing the words through a dry throat, and Adam smiles, a little tremulously, but sweetly and genuinely, too. “And I want all that stuff, too. Plus a whole lot of other stuff, probably more embarrassing and mushy and - ” Kris trails off, shaking her head. “Is this - really happening?” She laughs, bringing her hands to her cheeks. “I feel like I might be dreaming.”
“No,” Adam says, stepping forward and pulling Kris’s hands away from her face. “No, it’s happening,” she says softly, and kisses Kris again.
Kris melts into it, opening her mouth instinctually, shivering with every inch of her body. Adam moves in closer, wrapping her arms around Kris and deepening the kiss, biting gently at the line of Kris’s lips, little nips that make Kris’s pulse jump. Kris clutches on to her waist, clenching her fingers in the silky material of the tank top.
“Adam,” Kris mumbles, as Adam pulls away, trailing down to Kris’s neck with her teeth, hands everywhere. “Adam, holy crap.”
Adam laughs musically. “I know.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” Kris asks desperately, gasping as Adam presses them together, her breasts pushing against Kris’s insistently.
“I wasn’t sure,” Adam murmurs, rocking them back and forth gently. “I didn’t think - you’d just come out, and I thought maybe you were just. I don’t know.” She pulls her head up, cupping Kris’s cheeks in her hands. “I’m sorry. It’s stupid. I’m stupid. We’re stupid.”
Kris nods enthusiastically. “All our friends think we’re stupid too,” she says, and Adam laughs, smushing their noses together, foreheads pressed close.
“And as of right now, Cassidy owes Brad fifty bucks,” she replies, “and a neck massage. Poor bastard.”
“Adam,” Kris whispers, “I don’t wanna talk about Cassidy and Brad right now.”
“Oh, good,” Adam replies, and kisses her again, licking the edges of her smile and laughing into her chin.
Kris threads their fingers together at their sides, faint music from the club behind them providing a bass line to the pounding of her heart. A burst of wind curls around them restlessly, and Adam pulls her closer, still giggling, hands wide and strong on her back, and Kris tips her head back and laughs along.