Comments | thebeatleworld: October 17th, 1964. 24 Chapel Street, London.

mr_b_epstein in thebeatleworld

October 17th, 1964. 24 Chapel Street, London.

Jan 06, 2009 23:46

Mummy had suggested rather vaguely that I should have a house of my own in London, and the idea had been nagging at me for several weeks. I might have lost all interest in it, but after the incident with George and John, I just...I just needed to be away from the possibility of being walked in on by them. The idea of being away from George carried ( Read more... )

john, brian

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johnlennon1964 January 7 2009, 18:19:51 UTC

Brian had asked me to come along with him and look at one of the houses he had picked out. I was skeptical at first, our last meeting hadn't gone well at all. I figured he wouldn't want anything to do with me after the way I had acted that night. George and I had gotten high and had raided his apartment and had a made a total mess of things. Maybe he was willing to forgive me though? I wasn't so sure but I was trying to hold on to the smallest linger of hope. He confused me so much sometimes so I tried to not think about it too much.

We finally made it to the house and I followed him in. I glanced around the doorway area and smiled. It seemed pretty nice actually. Brian had always had good taste though so I assumed as much. "Its nice, Brian. From what I can tell at least." I gave him a reassuring nod.

johnlennon1964 January 12 2009, 06:49:41 UTC

Why was he acting like this? It was so frustrating. I looked away and let out an angry sigh.

"Fine. If you're still so pissed off at me, then why did you bring me along Brian?" I looked down at my shoe and tried to calm myself down before I got too angry, or walked out the door before he could say anything else.

mr_b_epstein January 12 2009, 06:55:52 UTC

I scowled.

"Because I rather thought we could behave decently towards each other for more than five minutes. Obviously I was mistaken."

I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself. If I carried on like this, I'd be shrieking at him, and we'd probably wind up arguing again.

"I'm tired of...everything, John. I miss speaking to you civilly."

And I rather missed the days when the biggest complication in my life was my attraction to him. Why, he used to enjoy teasing me, or so I would assume. I couldn't even think when things had changed for us. Was it before or after I'd gotten involved with George?

johnlennon1964 January 12 2009, 06:59:05 UTC

"Brian, when have we ever really behaved decently towards one another? I don't know why its so hard for us to talk." I shrugged before letting out a shaky breath.

It was true after all. Things had been so awful between us lately. It had never been easy to talk to him though.

mr_b_epstein January 12 2009, 07:03:18 UTC

"It's hard because--"

I cut myself off quickly. I'd intended on bringing up what I'd seen on the plane home, about him fucking Paul in my bed, but...that certainly wouldn't be the best thing to say.

I settled for sighing, and saying, "It's hard for the obvious reasons, John, I suppose. My own...vices."

Easiest to blame all of this on my attraction to him, which was, in a way, partially responsible for it all anyways.

johnlennon1964 January 12 2009, 07:07:03 UTC

I bit my lip absently before looking up at him. "I don't know. I want to be able to talk to you.." I trailed off.

I had forgotten that there had been the possibility of him seeing Paul and I on the plane. I had talked to George about it before when he said Brian had been acting odd. Still, I didn't know for sure but I really couldn't ask him. That would give everything away. That certainly would explain the tension between us though.

mr_b_epstein January 12 2009, 07:14:44 UTC

I sighed, tugging at my tie. I wanted a great many things from him, least of which was his conversation.

"We used to talk. You were very engaging, when we first met...it was one of the reasons I took you to Spain, you know. I enjoyed your company very much." I bit my lip before adding, "I still do, in spite of everything."

johnlennon1964 January 12 2009, 07:20:51 UTC

"You were very engaging, when we first met...it was one of the reasons I took you to Spain, you know."

Memories from that trip suddenly came flooding back to me and I ran a shaky hand through my hair. When had we stoppped talking? Just what had happened between us anyways?

"Spain." I whispered bitterly. "Those were the days, yeah? Back when I was engaging."

I had no idea what I was saying. I didn't really like to talk about that trip in particular. It just brought up too many confusing feelings.

mr_b_epstein January 12 2009, 07:24:37 UTC

"You're still engaging, John." I said softly, trying to ignore my own blush as thoughts of Spain flitted quickly through my mind. "I was just as bad as those little fangirls of your's in those early days, I think."

Not that anything had changed. I'd just gotten better at hiding it.

johnlennon1964 January 12 2009, 07:30:16 UTC

"Am not." I crossed my arms even tighter and furrowed my brow. Was my face flushing? I hoped not. I shifted a bit against the counter and looked at him curiously.

"Do you still get like that when you're around me?" I asked curiously. I always knew how Brian had felt about me, but I wondered if anything had changed as of late.

mr_b_epstein January 12 2009, 07:39:20 UTC

I winced, and I'm sure that expression gave everything away. Why did he want to know that? What use was it to know if I still wanted him?

Well, he always had enjoyed teasing me. I could only assume he was trying to figure out if it would still be good sport to start back in with the flirting and the touching, leading me on until I could scream from desire, only to flit away with a wicked little laugh...

"Truthfully, John..." I bit my lip, then murmured, "Yes. Most of the time, yes."

johnlennon1964 January 12 2009, 18:01:32 UTC

"Yes. Most of the time, yes."

I knew it. I didn't think things had changed that much. I had a feeling he'd always want me. I didn't really know how I felt about it. It had always been so confusing to me. For some reason, I loved knowing that he wanted me. It gave me some sense of power over him.

"You shouldn't." I mumbled.

mr_b_epstein January 12 2009, 18:35:59 UTC

I laughed bitterly.

"Do you think I don't know that?" I said quietly. "No one knows that more than I. Aside from the unprofessional nature of my feelings...it's impossible, for many reasons."

Mostly for the fact that he was apparently fucking Paul McCartney. I winced at that, and looked away from him.

"But I cannot change it, though not for lack of trying. It's rather hopeless, and I suppose it shall remain this way until I die."

That was a bit overdramatic, but the longevity of this particular infatuation was...well, extraordinary. I'd never found a man I'd wanted for more than five minutes before him, and well...there was George but I supposed that that was different.

johnlennon1964 January 12 2009, 18:56:33 UTC

I shook my head before uncrossing my arms. He sounded so dramatic about this all. Well, I supposed this was rather a touchy subject for him but still..

"You don't have to be so dramatic you know." I said quietly.

mr_b_epstein January 12 2009, 23:18:14 UTC

I sighed, looking out the window above the kitchen sink. Not the best view, I thought absently, but I suppose one could have worse...

"I don't have to be, but it's a habit...distracts me for the truth of the situation, I suppose. Besides, there is something of the dramatic in the situation." I chuckled ruefully. "A tragedy, perhaps."

johnlennon1964 January 13 2009, 17:23:28 UTC

I looked back down at the floor and stared at it absently. I really didn't want to talk about this and I knew if we kept at it, we'd end up getting angry with one another again. Not that we hadn't been in the first place before we started talking but still..

I bit my lip and let out a shaky sigh. I knew I should have said something, but nothing was coming to mind. Nothing he would want to hear at least.

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