that part was yours, but it just might be ours (2/4)
( previous parts )
part 1
20’s
“Hmm?” she murmurs in response.
One step, two, an arm around a shoulder and she is so thin under his grip. Changmin peers down at the map covering the table, and Yoona doesn’t look up. “What is this?”
Her fingers reach up to his and she rubs his hand, cool to the touch, and then her hand falls back to the map, pointing at a country distant from home. “Wouldn’t it be so nice to travel some? I’ve been looking through places ever since I got back from work. I’m just itching to get out of the apartment, go exploring.”
Changmin laughs, and he runs his fingers through her hair, pushing the headband on her head forward slightly. She doesn’t yell at him like she normally would, eyes still trained on the flimsy paper in front of her, but there is a soft exhale that Changmin just barely catches. “What?”
“I don’t know.” She sighs again. "I just… I really need to get out.”
He pulls his hand back and it takes a minute, but then he’s pulling out the chair in front of her, taking a seat. “Have you been looking for work like I asked?” There is a pause, and Yoona doesn’t look up, but he hears the hitch in her breathing. He’s known her his whole life, after all. “Yoona…”
“I have! Just…” She looks up at him, and her eyes are sparkling, like the world is still in front of her (and maybe it is, but what does Changmin know anymore), “I just feel like there are more important things. I mean, the gift store is nice. I like it.”
“And is that what you want to do with the rest of your life?”
Her gaze drops from him, then, and she looks to the map in front of her. Her hands trace over the colored countries, the light blue water, pausing over words too small for him to decipher. “No. Maybe.” Yoona sighs. "I don’t know, Changmin. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I just want to live."
||+||+||+||
The sun is beating down on her neck, and Yoona rolls over, falling on to her back. She turns her head to the side and watches Changmin breathe - soft, steady inhales and exhales, quiet snores and his hair mussed up. She smiles and scoots over to him, wrapping her arm around his bare chest.
“Changmin,” she whispers, nuzzling her head into head into his neck, and he groans but says nothing. It feels like it’s been so long since she’s woken up in his apartment with him at her side, peaceful and calm. No running, no stress.
“Changmin. Wake up.”
She shakes him lightly, tightening her grip around his waist and squeezing at the warm flesh.
Changmin yawns, and then he is blinking at her, innocent eyes and a pretty gaze. “Yoona?”
“Hm?”
He breaks out into a smile, and Yoona thinks she should be used to the morning breath but she wrinkles her nose anyways, smiling back at him. “What are you doing up? It always takes you so long to get out of bed.”
“I just… felt alive. Awake.” Yoona reaches for his hand and interlocks their fingers, one corner of her lips turned up. “And for the record, I am still in bed.” Changmin laughs, pressing a kiss to her cheek, and she smooths his hair off of his forehead with her freehand before propping her head up with her arm. “I have to run by my apartment later, I forgot my work outfit at home and I’ve got a shift tomorrow.”
Changmin shifts so he is lying on his side, looking at her, and he cocks an eyebrow. “Why don’t you just sell that place? You’ve practically moved in already.”
Yoona tenses, and then she drops his hand, rubbing at her neck. “I like - I like having my own place. Just in case.”
“In case?” He’s looking at her, now, with that warning gaze of his, and she feels herself breaking under it like usual.
“Just, you know.” Changmin’s eyebrow is still raised and Yoona deflates, falling on to her back. She counts the stars glued up on the ceiling of his bedroom, the little breaks in the call and the uneven coloring the one time she had accidentally gotten food up there. “I’m not ready to settle down. I still want to travel, look around. I can’t… Give that freedom up yet.”
Changmin sighs, and she closes her eyes. “Yoona, you don’t have to give up anything.”
“I know, I know. I just… I don’t want to talk about this right now.”
She feels his hand enclosing over hers, braces herself for the soft yoona that follows, before tugging her hand out of his grip and throwing the sheets off of her.
“I’m going to wash up. Get out of bed soon.”
Yoona pulls herself out of the bed and doesn’t wince when Changmin sighs loudly; she pretends not to see the arm tossed over his eyes or his tight grip around the sheets.
(“she doesn’t want to do anything! it’s as if the whole world is ahead of her, like she has nothing to lose.”
“she’s young, changmin. you both are. you should enjoy it.”
changmin snorts, nudging the chinese girl’s shoulder with his own. “as if you’re so old, song qian. stop talking like you’re a grandmother.”
qian laughs and pushes the teapot towards him, eyes crinkling into little crescents. “might as well be one at this point, right?” then her eyes are softening, and changmin prepares himself for the lecture to follow. “seriously, though, you should talk to her about it.”
“i’ve tried! she’s always avoiding the topic, always just wants to talk about traveling and irrelevant things like that.”
qian sighs, resting her chin on her arms, and she glances at changmin through her peripheral vision. “there’s nothing wrong with her wanting to explore, changmin. if anything, you should be supporting it.”
changmin sighs. “we both know it’s not practical.” qian snorts and he pushes at her again, ignoring the little shivers that run up his shoulder. “don’t laugh at me, it’s true!”
“everyone needs to be a dreamer. it’s what keeps us alive.”
his phone rings, then, and changmin and qian both glance down to his cell phone, a bright ♥ im yoona ♥ on the front screen. qian looks up at him, at changmin staring at the screen forlornly, before he sighs and presses the red decline button.
the rest of the hour passes by slowly, the conversation dying down after that phone call, and it isn’t until changmin pays the bill of their cafe meet-up that song qian taps his foot with her own. “do you wanna go drinking? i’ll treat.”
changmin laughs, a single chuckle, and then shakes his head. his gaze is once again trained on the black screen of his cell phone. “no, i probably should go home sober. who knows what will happen otherwise.”
victoria sighs, placing her hand over his. changmin shivers and thinks about an end.)
||+||+||+||
When Changmin gets back inside his apartment, the light of the bedroom is still on, a dim yellow in the rest of the darkness. Yoona is sitting up on the bed with her reading glasses on, a book in her hands and her hair tied up in a ponytail.
“You’re back,” she whispers, and she smiles at him with that tilt in her mouth. Changmin smiles back, walking towards her to press a quick kiss to her lips.
I didn’t think you’d stay tonight, he wants to say. Instead: “Yeah.” He kisses her again, and Changmin remembers why he fell in love with her, the fringe falling out of her ponytail and the innocent face crinkled up in fatigue. “I’m gonna go wash up.”
Yoona smiles at him, setting the book to the side, and she snuggles under the covers, watching him step into the bathroom.
By the time he comes out, the lamp on the night stand is still on, but Yoona is fast asleep, arms hanging off the side of the bed. Changmin slips in next to her, reaching over to turn on the light, and then pulls her closer towards him. The bed is cold, but warmth is radiating off of her, pleasant in the late night chill.
“I still love you,” he whispers. “I still love you, Im Yoona.”
She doesn’t say anything back, but she snuggles closer into his hold and Changmin thinks Yoona has heard him anyways.
||+||+||+||
“I don’t understand why you’re being like this again!” Yoona can feel herself heating up, hands balled up into tight fists at her side, body trembling. “You always think everything I do is impractical, like I’m some stupid, incompetent child!”
“Because you act like one!” Changmin is yelling back, now, and she doesn’t think she’s ever heard him yell like this, so loud and frustrated and… hurtful. “You’re so immature, and I don’t want to always have to worry about what you’re doing because you can’t take care of yourself!”
She slumps then, expression falling into a pained one, and she leans back against the wall. “When have you ever had to take care of me? When have I ever done something so stupid that you had to watch over me like I was some reckless teenager?”
“Yoona-”
Yoona closes her eyes, head falling back against the plaster. “Don’t.” She feels Changmin step closer and tenses, body suddenly rigid. “Just… just because I want to travel, because I feel like my place in this world is not held up in this tiny area, you think I’m impractical. That dreams don’t come true so stick to what will happen.”
Changmin sighs. “Yoona, you know it isn’t like that. I’ve never thought of you as less than me. Just reckless. You’ve just needed someone to keep you grounded.”
“Grounded?” Her eyes open, then, and the look in her eyes Changmin has never seen before. The end, he thinks. The end. “And what if I don’t want to be grounded?”
“Yoona…”
“There you go again, patronizing me.” Yoona snorts, arms crossing, and she picks herself up off the wall, stepping forward and past him. “I don’t - I can’t do this.” She turns around then, and Changmin wants to grab her hand, wants to hold her, but he just lets his shoulders fall and his eyes do the talking. “I’ll call you later.”
Yoona is out of the bedroom, then, and he hears the front door shut without an I love you before it.
||+||+||+||
She’s got a suitcase in hand, as if they were together once upon a time, under one roof like one family. “I think my purpose,” she begins, and her voice is soft, so unlike the week before, the angry yelling, the unshed tears, “is not here. I’ve been looking for other work.”
“And?” Changmin prompts. He’s leaning against the door frame of his bedroom, and they are so far apart.
“The PeaceCorps. It’s traveling, it’s helping. It’s… giving back to the world, what I never thought I had.”
He can’t help himself, but he smiles. A small upturn of his lips, one Yoona wouldn’t have noticed if she didn’t know all of his quirks and habits at this point in her life. “I’m - I’m happy for you.”
“I know.” Yoona smiles back, and she lets the suitcase fall drop to the floor.
“Where are you heading first?”
Yoona crosses her arms, letting her head rest against the door frame of the front door. She shivers in the incoming breeze and he thinks about offering her a coat. “There’s a youth development program in the Philippines I was looking at,” she says, her voice soft. “And you know how much I love kids.”
“Yeah.” Changmin nods. “Of course.”
“And you-” Yoona steps forward, continues up until she’s right in front of him, looking at their feet in front of each other. “You can help the world with your expert in law, and I can help by traveling the world, and we can just, you know… do things our own way.” She laughs, and Changmin can see the tears in her eyes, then, and he wonders if the blurriness is the own wetness in his eyes. Yoona reaches forward for his hand, pushing her fingers in between his knuckles one last time, and then she is leaning up to press a soft kiss to his lips.
“Yoona-”
“I love you, Changmin,” she whispers. Yoona steps back, and there is a burning in her heart and a tension in the air that is almost palpable.
“Yeah. Yeah, I love you too.”
Yoona breaks out into a smile, nodding her head, and then walks back to the front door, her back turned to him. It’s the last of he sees of her, until then.
Yoona sighs, then, and finally: “I think we should break up, Changmin.” Her hand curls around the handle of the suitcase, and she pulls it up, and when the door shuts behind her Changmin thinks the world might have ended.
||+||+||+||
“Qian? Hey, it’s Changmin. You think I could take you up on that offer for drinks? Yeah? Okay, awesome. Then it’s a date.”
30’s
From: changmin18@hotmail.com
To: im_yoona@simplelife.com
Subject: Sup
Date: September 12, 2005
Hey,
Took me a while to track down your new e-mail address... I tried sending to the personal one I knew for a while, but you never replied. It's okay, just ignore those. I just wanted to know what your mailing address is. I need to send something. Let me know soon, okay?
Lots of love,
Changmin
P.S.: Hope you're doing fine.
From: im_yoona@simplelife.com
To: changmin18@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Sup
Date: September 19, 2005
659 Myeondeok Street, Namsan 4 District, South Korea. Send to room 12, floor 14. This is my work address.
Regards,
Im Yoona
Columnist, Simple Life Magazine
From: changmin18@hotmail.com
To: im_yoona@simplelife.com
Subject: Re: Re: Sup
Date: September 19, 2005
Haha, you don't have a home address?
From: im_yoona@simplelife.com
To: changmin18@hotmail.com
Subject: Address
Date: September 23, 2005
Hello,
You emailed me at my work address. I answered you accordingly.
Regards,
Im Yoona
Columnist, Simple Life Magazine
From: changmin18@hotmail.com
To: im_yoona@simplelife.com
Subject: Re: Address
Date: September 23, 2005
Alright, I sent you something. Tell me when you receive it!
It's nice hearing from you after a long time. I read your magazine sometimes.
I hope you're doing well.
From: im_yoona@simplelife.com
To: changmin18@hotmail.com
Subject:
Date: September 23, 2005
Good day,
Unfortunately, I am out of office from the 23rd to the 31st. I will get back to you as soon as possible.
If you are need of immediate assistance in regards to anything related to our magazine, Simple Life, you may contact our Chief Editor, Kim Heechul at kim_heechul@simplelife.com or you may reach him at (999) 891-9181.
Thank you,
Im Yoona
Columnist, Simple Life Magazine
||+||+||+||
She never gets back to him, but he expected that much. At least she's in the country, he shrugs. He smiles to himself because he always thought she would be anywhere but here.
||+||+||+||
"How was Nepal?" Sooyoung asks when she sees Yoona come through the door. "Was it hot?"
"Yeah," Yoona jeers, pulling off her trenchcoat. "But it was worth it. I got a lot of work done. Though the research team there wasn't incredibly helpful..."
"Aw well, all is good as long as you got to see what you needed to see and as long as you can come up with something good to make up for the lack of interesting articles we've been coming up with lately," Sooyoung laughs from her desk, sipping her espresso delicately.
"Of course, put all the pressure on me," Yoona rolls her eyes.
"Haha, I don't think I missed your sarcasm," Sooyoung hisses.
"But you were obviously beyond bored without me around," Yoona grins. "I land and suddenly my phone gets reception and starts buzzing like crazy with new texts... 106 unread... Really?"
"Oh c'mon you know I need a buddy to keep me awake," Sooyoung glowers. "The coffee isn't doing its job anymore."
Yoona chuckles, dropping her umbrella in a bucket near the entrance. "No one called for me, right?" Yoona asks. From her desk, Sooyoung shakes her head slowly, too focused on searching up energy drinks to glance over. "Okay..." Yoona mutters, walking by a few other workers before plopping down onto her cushiony seat and letting out a big huff.
She's about to reach over to revive her PC when her hand grazes by a messy package sprawled across some of her papers. She recognizes Changmin's name written in familiar penmanship on the back, and it takes her two minutes before she's searching up his address and rolling her eyes because he still lives in the same neighbourhood.
It's nothing elaborate when she gently peels the tape apart and pulls out just an ornate envelope with her name on it. It's crisp and baby blue, simple calligraphy decorating the card inside.
She flips it open, sees a name that is barely a fragment of a memory in the deepest part of her mind and reads through it, once, twice, too many times. She drops it when she realizes her fingers are shaking, heaving painfully at the pounding of reality.
You are cordially invited to the auspicious event of Shim Changmin and Song Qian's marriage.
||+||+||+||
"You should RSVP," Sooyoung notes, staring at the card curled up at the corner of Yoona's desk. "You know... not to be rude and stuff."
"Yeah..." Yoona murmurs (anything to be left alone, she thinks). Sooyoung is the type who gets the hint. She doesn't hover too long usually, asks if everything is okay before backing off. But she lingers today, and Yoona wonders if it's because Sooyoung's heard her of her losses over late night drinks over and over and knows how much this much hurt.
"Aren't you going home today?" she asks when she's picking up her umbrella and sees Yoona still staring aimlessly at her screen.
"I think I'll work late," Yoona calls out, not looking over. She hears a goodbye and the sounds of footsteps fading into the distance. It's quiet and she thinks maybe the sound of the other office workers was more comforting than the silence that numbs her mind now. Suddenly there is nothing to distract her from the thoughts in her mind and she wonders if going home with Sooyoung would've been a better choice.
How is he getting married? It's not like Qian was that unfamiliar of a name. She'd heard through friends that Changmin was seeing someone, and she supposes that back then it hadn't seemed so surreal. He moved on. So what? Didn't she expect that much?
But suddenly there is more to know than she wants to and she realizes that even though she's vaguely kept up with him over the past years (social networking and whatnot)... she actually hasn't. And the moment of anger in the pit of her stomach is accusatory because Changmin was always the one who initiated things, why didn't he call earlier, why didn't he ask her opinion for anything, why didn't he reach out sooner?
She guesses that maybe she always thought breakups would be easier, that she would be the one cutting things off, that she would be the one who would be happy in the end, that maybe they'd connect often enough to stay friends. But they didn't and she frowns because she realizes she's already logging into her ancient Facebook account, her fingers moving mechanically as she searches his name.
She wishes she hadn't...
||+||+||+||
His profile is cluttered with pictures with her, of them hugging at a picnic, of them holding hands on a date, of them kissing under the starlit sky. Some photos are old; she recognizes them as the first days of dating. Most of them are new, things she doesn't remember seeing because she hasn't really been online in a while.
Second year anniversary! I love you Song Qian.
Dinner date with my queen.
I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
She scrolls through years of his life in under an hour, pausing on all the pictures of places she recognizes. You took me there once on a date, she glowers at the monitor. And it's only when she stumbles upon her own feed, discoloured with only a few pictures of her first (and only) days of interest in Facebook, she realizes how sad she is.
Hiking. The weather is nice out and the world is just a decorated canvas waiting to be explored.
Nothing more interesting than finding a strange flower here and there.
She is smiling next to mountains, she is smiling in the Sahara, she is smiling meeting important people. Everything is captioned with long sentences of information that she realizes never really mattered. Because even though she was distracting herself from the deep distress in her heart, she wasn't exactly happy. And only now, as she sees what happiness must look like in Changmin's life, she realizes that maybe she only ever posted those few photos to make herself feel better about herself, maybe she got over social networking so quickly because she just couldn't stand seeing everyone else living life the way they always wanted to.
She wrinkles her nose. Why is Changmin wearing green. He never liked green. (Gift from my leading lady, it says next to the picture). Why is Changmin buying those chocolates... He said they were overrated. Why is Changmin taking her to see that movie. He doesn't like romcoms.
It goes on until she realizes she's crying and it hits her kind of sadly that maybe she did want a life with traveling and adventure. But maybe she wanted that life with him. And as she deletes the few things on her profile, she wonders if the portrait of her life will ever look as complete as his. Because in his pictures at least he's not alone.
||+||+||+||
"Are you okay with vanilla for the cake?" Qian asks over the counter, handing him a cup of cocoa and then settling down next to him. He doesn't respond, simply stares emptily out the nearby window. "What's wrong?" she coos, running her hand through his hair softly.
"Hm?" Changmin glances over at her. "Nothing, just thinking."
"Ah, I see," she nods knowingly. "Yoona didn't reply?"
"Nope," he sighs. "I'd ask someone for her number but I'm at the point where I guess I realize she probably doesn't really want to see me."
"I don't think that's it," she murmurs, reaching for his hand and tying her fingers into his. "I think everyone needs space, but she's known you since you were kids. I doubt she'd miss your big day."
"That's wishful thinking," Changmin huffs. "She'd probably come up with a good excuse too. Something about being abroad studying some new culture in Africa that's inherently important for her magazine."
"Oh don't be so sour," Qian rolls her eyes, but there is sadness in his eyes and her features soften as she leans closer to him. "Changmin?"
"Yeah?"
She stares at him for a moment before smiling. "What bothers you more? The fact that you think your best friend has blacklisted you from her life or the fact that you can't come to terms with the fact that maybe you're the one who pushed her out in the first place?"
"I didn't-"
"Shh," she presses her index finger to his mouth. "You need to stop feeling selfish for letting go when you knew there couldn't be compromise in that relationship. You tried to keep in touch, you tried to keep her in your life, you tried to connect with her as a friend, but it's not your fault if she didn't respond the way you wanted."
"It is my fault that she wants to stay away though."
Qian cocks her head to the side. "How do you know she wants to stay away?"
"I-"
"You're assuming."
"I'm being logical."
She laughs. "Think of it this way... You have a case, you might know for sure that you're fighting for a lost cause but you fight nonetheless. You'd look at any reasonable answer that would make your case more plausible, right? So I wonder, where is that man I know? The man who wouldn't look at the story, but what's between the lines... the man who would find any substantial reason to justify optimism, to believe that what's between you and Yoona now isn't just distance, but something deeper... the man I'm going to marry in two months, where is he?"
He stares at her for a moment, softly touching her cheek and brushing stray locks behind her ear. "I'm right here," he whispers against her lips, kissing her gently, delicately, and the melting butterflies that wrap around his stomach make him feel light and airy.
"I love you," she murmurs. "Stop worrying."
He breathes and all he takes in is her. For a single moment, he's younger, he's on his knees asking her to be his wife, and she's crying and blubbering something in Mandarin that he doesn't get at all (Does that mean yes because if you're saying no, it'll be really awkward). She hugs him now, tight and reassuring and he thinks she fits perfectly against his frame.
He doesn't regret anything really. Not saying he doesn't miss his company of the past, just that he's slowly found ways to repair his soul, people who can make him whole, who can fill his heart and make him forget that it was ever incomplete. Yeah, he smiles to himself, he's happy and Qian is more than what he deserves. She's going to be his forever, she's going to be the happily ever after he's always dreamt of, she's perfect.
They are perfect. They are in love. And there is nothing more relevant beyond the magnitude of their feelings for each other.
(He tries not to admit that this isn't the first time he's been so in love.)
||+||+||+||
She's eaten through two tubs of ice cream and had a long spa date with Sooyoung, whining over all the things that are fucked up in her life and all the things she wishes were better. She's worked late the past week, the wedding invite is still rotting away on her desk and she's still scrutinizing photos on Facebook when she leans back in her chair and furrows her eyebrows in concentration.
What was the password for that email address? she wonders, tapping her foot and pen simultaneously for a good dozen minutes before navigating through a few websites and attempting to log in to a morbidly dormant personal email account. It takes three tries before the screen finally welcomes her to too many unread messages.
She reads. Her heart breaks.
From: changmin18@hotmail.com
To: yoong1990@yahoo.com
Subject: Hey
Date: March 23, 2000
If you want to talk... I'm here and I want to talk.
Call me.
From: changmin18@hotmail.com
To: yoong1990@yahoo.com
Subject: I'm sorry
Date: March 31, 2000
I know this is tough, but it happened. We broke up. And even though it hurts, I think you'll realize at some point that it's for the best...
Please answer my calls, please answer my emails, please answer the door. I knock, but you shut me out. I'm here Yoona, I'm always here, I've always been here, but if you want me to go I will.
Love,
Changmin
From: changmin18@hotmail.com
To: yoong1990@yahoo.com
Subject: [No Subject]
Date: November 8, 2000
Hey, heard you moved out of the country... I'm happy you're doing what you always wanted to do. I'm really happy for you.
From: changmin18@hotmail.com
To: yoong1990@yahoo.com
Subject: Hi
Date: April 28, 2001
I'm doing fine, by the way.
From: changmin18@hotmail.com
To: yoong1990@yahoo.com
Subject: Finally!!!!
Date: October 16, 2001
Hey, so this really good company hired me and I'm going to do my first official case soon. I guess I'm excited. It's a big step.
Oh, and Qian says hi. She says she wants you to visit.
From: changmin18@hotmail.com
To: yoong1990@yahoo.com
Subject: Happy holidays Yoona
Date: December 25, 2001
Merry Christmas. I hope you're spending your holidays with people you love. I'm getting together with some of the old friends for a drink, wish you could make it but I know you're busy.
It's snowing her now, not the pretty kind of snow but the slushy one that's dirty and disgusting. Qian likes it but I don't... That's okay though. I'm learning to live with things I can't change.
From: changmin18@hotmail.com
To: yoong1990@yahoo.com
Subject: New Year Greetings
Date: January 1, 2002
Happy New Year. Wishing you the best.
-- Changmin
From: changmin18@hotmail.com
To: yoong1990@yahoo.com
Subject: I miss you
Date: June 17, 2002
I wish we could talk... I want your opinion because I'm conflicted... and I know this is strange considering the circumstances between us, but you've always been my greatest confidant and I think I'm falling in love with Qian.
I'm not sure how to express it. Would it be weird to say that I feel like I'm in university again? I feel like I'm alive again.
From: changmin18@hotmail.com
To: yoong1990@yahoo.com
Subject: I'm sorry
Date: September 2, 2002
Hey Yoong,
I read your first column in the magazine. You're killing it. Keep up the awesome work.
Miss you,
Changmin
From: changmin18@hotmail.com
To: yoong1990@yahoo.com
Subject: [No Subject]
Date: February 6, 2003
I'm dating her and I feel really good. She completes me in a way I never understood I was missing anything. You would really like Qian, she's funny and outgoing. If you drop by the neighbourhood, come see us. You two would hit it off, I swear.
She doesn't cook that well though, but I guess I got spoiled with all the stuff you used to make for me. Sometimes she goes off on rants in Mandarin and I'm so lost but she looks really cute when she does that so I don't care I guess.
She knows how to fix my tie and stuff before work. She's there to say goodbye when I leave and to say hello when I come home. It's perfect I think (if not perfect then it's almost there). I used to dream of this I suppose. Living a simple, banal life, with a happy family.
I hope you've found the happiness you were searching for too.
From: changmin18@hotmail.com
To: yoong1990@yahoo.com
Subject: Annoyed......
Date: August 30, 2003
She's kind of a clean freak. I mean I can't do anything without her picking on all the things I could do better. Why are women like that though? I'm doing my best and she doesn't see it...
I wish you were here... Sometimes I get really frustrated sitting around with people like Kyuhyun or Minho because they don't have real solutions. They drink their problems away. I miss having you around to talk to, you gave real advice, and I think that's what always made you so special and easy to talk to. You spoke to people the way you wanted to be spoken to.
Call me anytime... look me up or something, I don't know... I feel like I've lost you and I feel like you're avoiding me. I'm going to try not to make that excuse because even though you never reply to my emails, I'll just hope that it's because you forgot your password or you're too busy.
Send me a smiley face if you at least read them. Tell me you're doing good. That's all I need.
From: changmin18@hotmail.com
To: yoong1990@yahoo.com
Subject: I realized something
Date: January 18, 2004
It's weird that we get into arguments nowadays and I just end up smiling and she looks at me all flustered and yells because she doesn't like me mocking her anger. I just tell her I think she looks cute and that I don't want to waste time like this when I would much rather see her smile.
She usually grins a lot.
I was looking through an old yearbook and I found a picture of you. You were such a nerdy looking kid, I couldn't stop laughing. But then I realized I don't even know what you look like anymore... Is your hair still long? Is it the same colour? Did you grow taller (I know you didn't so don't lie)?
I think I look the same... hair is dull and shaggy. I attached a picture. Don't say it looks ugly, I work hard to look handsome.
Love,
Changmin
From: changmin18@hotmail.com
To: yoong1990@yahoo.com
Subject: Facebook
Date: May 1, 2004
Added you on Facebook. Hope this will be our gateway to keeping in touch.
From: changmin18@hotmail.com
To: yoong1990@yahoo.com
Subject: Travelling
Date: July 14, 2004
I'm planning on taking a break from work to go on vacation with Qian. Do you have any suggestions on where we should go? I can see from your articles and posts that you've been around, haven't you?
From: changmin18@hotmail.com
To: yoong1990@yahoo.com
Subject: LOL
Date: December 13, 2004
Hey Yoona,
I'm at a point where I feel kind of silly writing to you knowing there will never be a reply. Is it so hard to say hello? Do you hate me? Did I hurt you that much?
If you want me out of your life, please tell me. I'll stop trying to keep up with you. But if not, give me a chance. I know we can be really good friends. Weren't we always good friends? Don't you ever think about me? Wonder maybe what I'm up to? Do you see my posts on Facebook?
I miss you. I really do. I want to meet you, sit down for some coffee and catch up. Trust me. Sometimes the easiest way to recover is to face your pain head on. And honestly, it's been too long. If you're hurting, please let me help you. Don't hide from me, don't hide from reality. Please Yoona.
Please.
From: changmin18@hotmail.com
To: yoong1990@yahoo.com
Subject: What's the point of writing a subject when you won't see this anyways
Date: March 4, 2005
I'm going to propose to her. I want her in my life forever, I want her to be my wife. It's a gut feeling, but I know it's right.
If you're nearby, come help me pick out a ring. I value your taste the most.
From: changmin18@hotmail.com
To: yoong1990@yahoo.com
Subject: This is the last one
Date: June 20, 2005
Hello,
I could write a long essay. But I won't.
I wish you the best in life. I will always love you and you will always have a special place in my heart no matter what.
Sincerely,
Shim Changmin
From: changmin18@hotmail.com
To: yoong1990@yahoo.com
Subject: Okay, actually this is the last one
Date: September 12, 2005
I'm not a stalker (honestly), but I found your work address online. Isn't the Internet so magical nowadays! I heard that soon even the dial-up is going to vanish and it's going to be so much faster.
Anyways, gonna email you there and hope for a reply! Don't fail me now.
From: changmin18@hotmail.com
To: yoong1990@yahoo.com
Subject: Really the last last last one. Promise
Date: September 23, 2005
Guess what? I got an automated response from your work email. Wow, fate is so weird, I wish your personal account had that... at least I wouldn't feel so down about not being answered (even though being answered by a machine isn't any better).
Anyways, thanks for replying. I'm emailing again on this because I think it's become inherently a part of me... It's kind of relieving talking to the emptiness of your full inbox, like I'm letting go of all the past and moving towards a nicer future. Plus your work email intimidates me so I'm just gonna stay away from that.
To the point... I wanted to ask you to please call back. I want to hear your voice or see your face or something. You live in the same country as me and you haven't come to my house. You know I'm still living at the same place and yet you don't contact me. You know I can just walk into your building, but I'm not that evil (I think)... Qian says you might want space... Well it's been years of that, and I'm kind of tired of this.
I'm engaged now, I think this is the pinnacle of moving on and yet I need my friends right now. Qian isn't a bridezilla, but she's tense when it comes to wedding related stuff. I'm letting her do everything because I know she'll make it perfect. The only thing I have to do at this point is convince you to come to the big day... It'll mean the world to me, please.
I know I'm horrible. What kind of monster am I? Leaving you because I felt like we could never come to terms on what we wanted in life... Telling you about my own aftermath and new relationships when you probably don't want to hear about it. Yeah, I guess I do suck, but I guess I figured talking about my problems helped me realize that there was so much more to my life than just what I had envisioned. And I suppose in trying to keep you up to date with my happenings, I thought it would help you too.
I'll be honest, I miss you. I miss being around you. I'll be even more honest. I was a fucking asshole. I'm sorry. And I know that doesn't fix things between us, but some things happen for a reason. Maybe our love story didn't have a final chapter... Maybe it was an abrupt ending, maybe a cliffhanger. In any case, you weren't the only one who was hurt by that.
It's hard to leave someone you've loved for so long. But I know we can be friends. I feel like all that needed to happen so that we could be where we are today. And I'm sure you're satisfied with who you've become. I'm proud of you. And yet I feel like if we hadn't called it quits, you would be stuck with me, not moving towards anything you wanted from life. And the same goes for me I guess... I would've never had the chance to meet and love Qian if I didn't go through what I did.
I guess what I'm saying is that fate is strange and cruel sometimes. But I don't think there's a point in completely cutting off everything we had together. We were friends. We have memories, Yoona. And all I'm asking is for a chance to continue. So please come to my wedding, make me the happiest guy ever and come chat with me, tell me about yourself and I'll forget all these years of silence.
I'm sorry that I hurt you. I really am. But it's finally time to move on and not be stuck in the past, bitter over what could've been. And if you haven't been able to do it up to now, let me help you from here on.
Lots of love,
Changmin
It's dark out when she finishes looking through all his emails, rereading the more important ones and glancing over the ones in between where he's sent her pictures of random things she realizes she suddenly cares about.
His words touch her and for once she wonders why she was in fact so stuck on blaming him for everything that happened. She realizes that she always thought Changmin came out of their break-up unscathed. He moved on, he found love elsewhere and she felt betrayed. But as she stares at her inbox, she realizes there was so much more to the story than she could've ever imagined.
And she feels horrible for ever thinking that he never cared. Oh, he cared. He sent her his whole life in the form of prim words, iced with hidden emotions that are suddenly bleeding through her soul.
She wishes (so much) that she had checked her email earlier. It would've saved many years worth of pain because she knows she would've replied.
||+||+||+||
Changmin stares at the shelves before him and sighs. He's getting married in under a week, and he knows she's not coming.
It's a pessimistic feeling, but he knows it's right.
The night is quiet and stale. He wonders where she is, what she's up to, if she's at home sleeping or staring at the sky like him. Changmin frowns and picks up a magazine from his collection, settling down into the couch and reading the words as if Yoona were dictating them to him orally.
(He wonders if it's time to finally get rid of her magazines. He has them all. Each and every single edition. He would never tell her but he's read them all even though they aren't all that interesting. And they suddenly feel like a heavy weight burdening him even more than he needs).
He slowly gets up and puts the magazine back on the expansive shelf. No... he's not ready to throw it all away.
||+||+||+||
She never liked giving up. No, that was never her style. But she guesses things do indeed change over time, and for once she's willing to accept her unhappiness and move on. It's for the best, she thinks. Maybe I do need to help myself.
So she starts typing, and when she's sent him an email, she feels something welling in her stomach. She hopes it's the sense of achievement. She realizes that it's strange how people feel complete when they have everything they want, and only realize what they want when they've lost everything. It dawns on her that she never understood what her dreams really were until her stubbornness to reach for those same dreams pushed him away. And she guesses it was a blessing in disguise... because at least now she knows the difference between what she wanted and what she wants.
She wants to be adventurous, but with someone. She wants to travel, but with someone. She wants to do new things, but with someone.
She wants to feel alive. So she throws the wedding invitation in the trash and takes a deep breath. She feels okay.
She feels better than okay. She feels good.
||+||+||+||
From: yoong1990@yahoo.com
To: changmin18@hotmail.com
Subject: I'm here.
Date: September 26, 2005
Hi Changmin,
I'm replying from this email address because I want you to know that I read everything you sent. Not when you sent it but now I'm reading it and I want to thank you for sharing your life with me. I guess I'm happy that I know who you are and what you've become. I'm also happy you reached out because in all honestly I guess I did need this nudge to realize I was fucking myself over.
Honestly, I'm too lazy to type things for you. You could read my magazines and know about what I've been up to and that would be enough, but I know it's not. So I'll just say this much. My hair is shoulder length now, it's still a dark brown. I did grow taller, in my opinion and no this isn't a biased lie.
I haven't been fine, but thank you for asking. At least I thought I was okay, but I guess I'm not. I'm not completely happy but I'm glad that you have found something to smile for. Just you wait, I'll find something to smile for as well.
But until then I'm not ready to come face to face with you. I want to heal. I've been living in such a cloud of misunderstanding and denial that I'm only coming to terms with things now, and when I see you, I want to be strong and beautiful so you know what you missed out on, you asshole.
That being said, I can't make it to your wedding. I'll send a gift, and my gratitude for remembering me, but I hope you understand. Tell Qian thank you for taking care of my best friend so well. Tell her she's beautiful and I think you guys will make a very happy couple. Wishing you the best.
Anyways, I missed you too. I'm ready to admit that I'm at least happy you were a part of my life... I hope you can continue to be a part of my life someday, just not now. But when that day comes, when I'm ready, when I'm fine, when I'm happy, then I'll call you, and we'll catch up.
Until then... forever yours,
Im Yoona
P.S.: I've already upgraded from dial-up. You're still living the sad caveman life. I pity you, loser.
part 3