The Venn Diagram | Part 3a - 2014
( previous parts )
(1) the meeting | (2) the declaration
The Venn Diagram
by #angstcircle 2014
Part 3: The Reveal
2014
The rest of the night passes in a blur and when Soojung finally ends up at home by means of Jinri’s chauffeur, she is disappointed - but she’s been expecting this - by Jongin’s noticeable absence. As she passes his room - barefoot and taking light footsteps so as to minimise evidence of her lingering presence, she sees that the room is dark. She sighs, physically tired but also whirling inwardly. She can’t help continuing the process of replaying their encounter in the middle of the dance floor, her arms around his neck, and his arms around her body, holding her close. If only she could linger in that moment on and on.
But of course she can’t. Soojung knows this - painfully aware of it right from the beginning. And really, it is so remarkable that she had lulled herself into a relative paradise, entertaining the idea of having friends who wouldn’t disappear from her side in a split second. It’s nice, this version of Soojung’s life, but it probably can’t last.
She thinks it over, that look in Jongin’s face that day over the dinner table. Barely out of school, and already shouldering the burden of becoming somebody he can barely imagine. He doesn’t even know who he is yet, just like everybody else their age. It’s a shame, she thinks, as she pulls the bedsheets up to her chin - she hasn’t bothered to shower and change, she’s too tired (too heartbroken - this is her excuse for all her bad days).
Her thoughts don’t get very far, before she sinks into a dreamless sleep, and wakes up to the sound of quiet footsteps coming through her bedroom door. It’s Chorong, setting down a tray of fruit and some juice and water. Soojung peers through the gap between her eyelids as she continues to feign sleep, and silently thanks Chorong for looking after her. She waits until the other girl leaves the room, before Soojung sits up, blankets still pulled around her, knees tucked under her chin. She stays there, thinking about how on earth she’s meant to approach Jongin now.
Dread translates into reality when Chorong knocks on the door again, and insists on getting Soojung dressed and to get some food into her system. The girl, sympathetic to Soojung’s plight while respecting her privacy, then shows her to a secluded part of the Kim residence. Natural light filters through the glass ceiling, and the air surrounding the indoor garden is fresh. Soojung also thinks it smells like wealth. She stays there for a majority of the day, interchanging between reading, and some idle schoolwork (but the year is ending soon, and the question of her graduation looks grim), before she finally gives in and decides it’s time to find her way back to her room and not reappear in broad daylight for some time. She retraces her route back towards her room, and god forbid should she pass Jongin.
Fate is surprisingly inconvenient at times, because there he is, looking directly at her from his position at a wide window, lounging underneath the afternoon sunlight. Soojung stops for a moment, and there they are, looking at one another, only metres of empty space to separate them from last night’s events. “Hi,” she manages first, and she edges into the sitting room, uncertain of where she should sit, or stand, or maybe she should leave.
There’s a pregnant pause. “Hi. I’m sorry about what happened.” He’s turned to face her directly, and his hand is on the space on the couch beside him, offering her a seat.
She sits. The distance between them has decreased dramatically. “Are you sorry about feeling that way? Or what you did?” Because there is a distinct difference, she feels. She wouldn’t be able to forgive him if it was the former option.
“No.” Their fingertips are on the brink of touching. “I’m sorry for acting that way. It wasn’t considerate of me. I should have at least made sure you got home safely -”
“I’m not a glass doll. I’m not interested in your good etiquette.” Soojung knows she’s probably pushing some buttons there, but she doesn’t care. This is unfair to her. Why did it have to happen this way?
He averts his gaze for a moment. “Okay, fine. I’m making excuses.” He sighs, before inhaling, and exhaling again. “I just don’t know how to do this right by you.”
Soojung can see it, this invisible burden that bears down on his shoulders. And they both understand why - Soojung will not always be in this world. She is sitting with him, in this mansion, but only for a little while. Jongin has a life ahead of him, planned down to the colour of his suit and the selection of his cufflinks. He can’t abandon it that easily. And she can only imagine the outcry that would break out if the general public caught wind of the handsome and well-to-do Kim Materials heir being romantically involved with the pitiful and lowly teenage delinquent. She knows it’s like asking for a death sentence, knowing how powerful (and petty) his parents are, not that she’s a fan of them anyway. But it doesn’t stop her from wanting it.
They stay like this, side by side on the couch, underneath the golden glow of the afternoon sun. Silent for a while longer. “You still feel the same though.” She wants to make sure.
Something flickers in his eyes. “Yes. The same.”
And Soojung knows that this is all that he can manage right now. It wouldn’t be fair to her if he offered her false promises. So Soojung accepts the part of his heart that he has given her, on this quiet Sunday evening, and she holds it close. She may never get close to anything like it again. “Thank you,” she musters up a smile, a little fractured, on the edges, but it is still a genuine smile. “That’s enough for me.”
Jongin likes that smile. He’s grown fond of it, surprisingly quickly. He finds himself smiling too, wishing that he could have Soojung’s company beyond this finite forever. He finds himself thinking about all the possibilities if they were different people, living more similar lives, and he likes how their fingers entwine and fit together. In fact, it feels so natural, Jongin barely notices how they turned out like this, holding hands in a sitting room, closed off from the critical gazes outside. “I like this. I like being like this.”
She smiles, looking down a bit, embarrassed, but clearly happy. She glows. “I do too.” She dares to shuffle closer, so that the texture of his shirt is against her exposed arm, and she lets him slide an arm over his shoulders - and she is quietly surprised too, that Jongin would initiate more physical contact. Simultaneously, Soojung is deeply embarrassed and flustered for suddenly thinking like a conservative, middle-aged woman. This is normal, when two people like each other - except it’s Jongin, and this is special.
“Soojung.”
Her head is resting on his shoulder now, and she can feel the movements of his breathing, and now even when he is whispering, she can hear him clearly. Like he is sharing secrets with her, and only she will ever be privy to them. “Yeah?” she murmurs.
“We shouldn’t do this.” Yet he doesn’t move. Not a muscle quivers. His arm stays around her, and Soojung’s head stays at the crook of his neck.
“I know.” She is amused by this though, “you’re not doing anything about it.”
“I know.” He pauses. “I’d like to stay like this longer.” It feels so good to be honest.
“Are you sure?”
He doesn’t respond. In fact, when he does speak again, it’s as though he hasn’t even heard her question, brushed it under the carpet so he doesn’t need to face his life beyond the now. “Let’s go to my room. Housekeeping might come around.”
They interchange between holding hands, and Jongin pulling her closer to him by the waist, before Soojung pushes him away and scolds him, and calls him reckless. But she does want to do all of that, hold his hand, feel his arm around her waist. She wants it, but surely they know better.
Responsibility and good judgement is less of an issue once the door is closed, though. Jongin sits on his bed first, guiding Soojung to stand before him as they hold hands. He looks up at her, this girl that his parents picked off the street. Her long hair, her lovely eyes, her smile is so utterly enchanting. Jongin finds himself sighing as he takes the sight before him in, she is so beautiful, and she is his - no she’s not. He blinks as he cuts himself off, feeling the few minutes of paradise he had wrapped himself in disappear.
It all falls apart. Light comes rushing in again. “Soojung.”
“Hm?” She hasn’t quite noticed yet, the reason why he’s facial expression is frozen, eyes a bit darker.
“Maybe you should go.”
“Hey, it’s okay -”
“I can’t do this - what if I can’t control myself, and somebody finds out, we can’t -” all of this is just falling out, all his fears and doubts -
She sits beside him and pulls him into a hug. She is small, frail, but still she holds him close and firm. “It’s okay.”
“No -”
“It’s okay, we don’t have to do anything. We can just be … together. For now. Baby steps.”
Jongin manages a grimace. “Don’t patronise me.”
Soojung pokes her tongue out at him, “I can do whatever I like -”
He attacks the sensitive spot beneath her ribs with dextrous fingers, reducing her to a giggling fit on his sheets as he tickles her into submission. “Oh really now?” He’s laughing too, along with her, and this is good, it is innocent fun, but intimate too.
“Okay, okay! I give in! I won’t patronise you, baby Jongin -”
He pulls her into a hug, then, now both of them lying on the sheets. The laughing dissolves into silence, and deep breathing. “What did you call me?” he whispers to her, her eyes only centimetres from his, lips dying to close the distance. Jongin can hear his heartbeat, and he imagines Soojung feels the same. He’s smiling now, almost his characteristic smirk, “So what did you call me?”
Soojung ignores his childish question now. “I like this.”
“I like it too.” Smirking now, definitely, but a good-natured kind. Soojung likes it.
“It’s weird though, we barely know each other.”
“I think we can start getting to know each other.”
They laugh, because it’s happening right this moment. Soojung loves this moment, being so close to Jongin, being in his embrace, being close to him. They lie there, holding one another for a few more minutes, just enjoying this little piece of heaven. “Jongin?”
“Mm?”
“I wish we could have this more.”
And it all comes flooding back again. Jongin sighs as he lets go of Soojung, and just lets her lie beside him while his arm rests below her neck. Another perfect fit. “If only.”
“Hey,” she swallows, realising that his inner conflict is getting the better of him, “it’s alright. We’ll take what we can get. This is enough for now.”
For now. They are such an ominous pair of words.
||+||+||+||
It’s midnight and Jongin is still sitting on his bed, dressed in his pajamas, staring at the wall. He’s still thinking, baffled as to why, out of a million other girls it could’ve been, why it’s her who makes his heart beat like this, why it has to be now of all times, why it has to be him. She’s right, he realizes, about how little they know about each other, but the connection is undeniably there. He’s afraid of what might happen if they open up more to each other, scared that by then he’d be too late to save himself.
A timid knock resounds on his bedroom door. “Jongin?” He looks up. “Can we talk?”
When he doesn’t say anything, she wordlessly walks across the room, settling next to him on the bed. Any resolve to stay away from her crumbles. “What’s up?”
“I’ve been thinking,” she looks at him earnestly, voice dropping to a whisper. “I know this sounds crazy, but can we try?”
He wrinkles his forehead. “What do you mean?”
“Just...try. To get to know each other, let loose, see what happens,” she sounds unsure of herself now, but her gaze holds steady.
It sounds harmless in itself, really, but he knows that it means so much more. For him, for them. But she’s staring at him now and he’s getting goosebumps on his skin and he can’t bring himself to say no. No, not to Soojung. “I’ll think about it.”
She smiles (mesmerizing, he thinks). “Thanks, that’s all I wanted to hear.” She exits the room then, throwing back one last meaningful glance before disappearing.
He’s left with a heart with conflicted emotions and yet another sleepless night.
||+||+||+||
It’s a few days later when Soojung is watching TV and he sits down beside her on the couch. “I thought about it,” he says. “We can try.”
She smiles to herself. It’s an incredible feat, Jongin finally letting her in. “I’m glad.”
But there is an unspoken solemnness in the room because they both know that it’s short-lived, that it’s dangerous this way. “I don’t know how this will turn out,” he begins to doubt himself. “Maybe we shouldn’t - ”
“Just a few days,” she suddenly blurts. It’s surprising to even herself how much she wants it, wants him. He looks at her, confused. “Just for a few days,” she whispers. “We can go on a road trip or something. Escape this place for a while.” A few days of bliss, she thinks. And then we can let real life hit us again.
He seems to understand what she means and he closes his eyes. “Alright,” he opens them again, staring deeply into hers. “I’m sorry,” he says, and he wants to say why he’s sorry but her understanding nod comforts him.
They settle back to watch the program on TV, arms barely touching. But, they both know, their minds are entirely elsewhere.
||+||+||+||
She wasn't supposed to fall in love, she thinks to herself, as she fixes his tie for yet another campaign event. This was not how it was supposed to end up, not at all, she reminds herself, but she's in his room anyway, admiring his handsome features in the mirror.
"It tickles," he says, chuckling.
A smile spreads across her face, a bittersweet one, because she wonders how it'd be like to do this every morning as he heads off to work, to coordinate his outfits for him and make sure his tie isn't crooked. It's funny, how she suddenly has this urge to be with him forever, when she knows that she has exactly the opposite with him. His parents can let her go anytime; after all, to them, she is a mere campaign tool to garner sympathy. She had agreed to it, knowing that even though she has every reason to despise them, this was the only way. She had never intended for - for this to happen.
But she sees the content grin on his face and she knows she wouldn't trade this - whatever they have - for anything else.
"You look beautiful," Jongin says, looking down at her royal blue satin dress. It is a simple dress, but it hugs her curves in just the right way, and it leaves him breathless.
"You look quite sharp yourself," Soojung comments, taking his arm in hers.
Jongin gulps as he gazes at their reflection. His royal blue tie matches exactly with her dress and somehow his heart swells a bit. "We look - we look really good together." It pains him almost, knowing that both of them don't have any idea how the future is going to be, and the control freak in him is going crazy at the thought.
But Soojung is fearless, he has learned - through her persistence and sincerity and diligence in all she does - and it makes him want to try too. He had already promised, he reminds himself.
So he lets go. He walks her into the campaign event, careful to keep a little distance between them for the sake of decency, but he's not ashamed. Not ashamed of the shared secret smiles over the table when his parents aren't looking, not ashamed of asking her to dance just one dance on the empty roof of the convention hall, not ashamed of the sweat dripping down his temples and his shaking hands as he takes hers in his, because he knows it's because she's special and for now, she is his, and his only. They hold each other under the moonlight and he can hear her murmuring sweet nothings in his ear and for a second he forgets about the journalists and paparazzi outside, people who would no doubt pounce on this juicy tidbit if they discovered the pair.
It is exhilarating, really, and it amazes him when he realizes that he's taking risks now, all because of her. He had forgotten the much-loved adrenaline rush that came with stepping out of his comfort zone, and he feels that every moment is an adventure with Soojung.
That night, Soojung goes to sleep with a smile permanently etched on her face and she imagines dancing with him forever under the moonlight even though she's not the greatest at it. It may not have been her intention to fall in love from the very beginning, but she starts not to regret it anymore. Because it feels so right, even though it feels so wrong. But she no longer concerns herself with these details because it's bliss, that's what she calls it. After all that has happened in her life, she decides that she deserves it, if only for a while.
||+||+||+||
"Oh my goodness," Jinri gushes from the other end of the line. "I'm just about to leave for vacation and all this important stuff happens."
"It's not a big deal," Soojung finds herself saying, but she knows it's anything but that.
"You guys kissed. This is a pretty big deal!"
"Why did I even tell you about this," Soojung sighs, phone pressed to her cheek.
"Because I'm your very good friend, that's why." Jinri's voice is like honey, and Soojung smiles.
"Anyways, we're going on a road trip together tomorrow for a couple days."
"Alone?"
"Well, yeah."
"Did you hear that, Sehun?" Jinri bursts out, and Soojung panics.
"What is -"
"Hey, Soojung," Sehun's voice resounds from the other end, and Soojung groans.
"Was this on speaker phone the whole time?" she complains, feeling miffed, but at the same time, amused.
"I'm sorry -" and Jinri sounds legitimately apologetic, "We were just hanging out and then you called and it was such good news and he kept bugging me about it when he saw me freaking out -"
Soojung rolls her eyes. "Oh well. I mean, he was going to find out anyway." She hears Sehun laughing at the other end.
"Have fun, lovebirds!" Sehun shouts.
"Yeah, whatever," Soojung pretends to brush him off, but she secretly has a smile on her face. It's the happiest she's been in a long time.
||+||+||+||
Jongin’s parents are glad to hear that Jongin and Soojung are finally becoming friendly (he winces because, oh, if only they knew) but soon enough the two of them set out on their road trip. “I haven’t traveled in a very long time,” she announces when they are in the car, putting her sunglasses on top of her head. “Moving foster homes doesn’t count.”
“Mmm,” he responds, focusing on the road. “Where do you want to go?”
They decide to drive to the beach because she is kind of a hopeless romantic. Radio on full blast, windows down, wind in her hair, and Jongin thinks that she is a special kind of beautiful, someone who doesn’t need a sparkling dress and makeup to look utterly breathtaking. They stop by a hamburger joint and he likes the way she doesn’t scrunch her nose at the excessive oil and doesn’t keep track of calories. He likes the way she sings along loudly to the radio, her voice angelic and pure. He likes her a little too much, he decides.
"You know, I'm glad that high school is over," he blurts out while driving.
"Why? Tired of all the other girls falling at your feet and bugging you all day? After all, you're handsome, rich -"
He blushes like mad. "No -"
"I mean, I guess you can't help it. You're just too perfect," she teases. "Look at that sculpted jaw line, that flawless skin -"
"Stop, Soojung," he complains. "You're distracting me from driving."
She sticks her tongue out at him. She finds it amusing how flustered he looks. She wishes he would loosen up a bit. "I'm just kidding. Not really."
He chuckles now, slows down the car. "You really want to know why?"
His expression is serious. "Everyone is so superficial there. I would rather," - there is a playful glint in his eyes - "spend time with you."
Now it's her turn to bite her lip in embarrassment. He leans in then, staring at her lips, and she swats him away. "This is too cheesy for me."
He feigns a look of hurt. "You're the one who started it!"
She turns up the radio and merely stick hers tongue out at him again, watching the passing scenery.
When they finally arrive at the shore, the sun is already setting, the sky overwhelmed with pink and purple and orange, water glistening as far as the eye can see. “Wow,” she breathes. Unknowingly, a tear slips down her cheek.
“Soojung -”
“I’m fine,” she sniffs. “It’s just - just that, the beach reminds me of California.”
“California?”
“Sooyeon lives there, I think,” her voice is quiet. He sends her a questioning glance. “She’s my older sister. She moved there before all the crap happened and then somehow we lost contact…”
He blinks. It’s a lot to process and his heart breaks for her. “I’m sorry. It must be very tough.”
She smiles through her tears. “It’s not a big deal. I got over it a long time ago. I’m strong, remember? A teenage delinquent?” But when he looks at her, vulnerable against the fiery sky, he thinks she looks anything but such.
That night, they sleep out in the open air in the back of the pickup truck he rented, layers of blankets protecting them from the night cold. Somehow his arms find their way around her thin frame and she wishes that it could last forever, this moment in their small infinity. He’s dozing off when she says, “You have a sister too.”
He shifts his arm a little. There is an uncomfortable pit in his stomach. “H-how did you know?”
“It’s hard to keep everything a secret, you know.”
He doesn’t answer. “Jongin, sometimes it’s more painful to shove everything away.” She props herself up with her elbow, looking into his eyes. “It’s okay to tell me.”
He swallows. He’s never talked about his noona in such a long time and he can barely breathe. “Her name is Ahreum,” he manages. A pause. “She ran away with her boyfriend. Away from the family business, from our family -” he closes his eyes. “- from me.” Crap, he can’t do this.
“She left you alone to run the business in the future,” she says, suddenly understanding what Chorong meant by his change in personality, his icy facade, his aloofness, his obsession with perfection. When Jongin just lies down and turns away from her, she knows that he’s trying to hold it all in.
On impulse, she finds herself hugging him from behind, rubbing his arm lightly. After five minutes, she hesitantly asks, “Have you ever tried finding her?” He shakes his head. “Well maybe I can try -”
“Don’t,” he chokes out. “Don’t do it. My parents don’t want her anymore. She’s a shame to our family. There would be consequences,” he speaks with such conviction but the anguished expression on his face betrays his real feelings.
“What do I have to lose?” Soojung asks, knowing how much his sister means to Jongin. “I have a reputation for being a rebel, so what if I break a rule or two to search for Ahreum?”
He turns around to face her and begs, “No, please don’t. For me.” It hurts too much for him to think about.
“Okay, okay,” she murmurs, giving in. And he stops shivering when she lays her head on his chest and it’s just them and the night stars and the waves crashing on the beach. She falls asleep to the sound of his beating heart.
||+||+||+||
They both wake early, when the sun is barely in the sky, and everything is blue-toned and dim. Soojung wakes first, bleary-eyed and shivering in the cool air. She pulls the covers up, and cuddles closer to Jongin. His breathing is still so even, still so calm and steady. His sleepy face looks infinitely more peaceful than in his waking moments. Soojung smiles to herself as she rests her head beside his, and takes in this vision. She kisses him on the cheek a moment later, before withdrawing to her former resting position to watch his gentle sleep.
He wakes a few minutes later, just as Soojung begins to feel exhaustion grip onto her and draw her back to sleep. He stretches a little, Soojung can feel him moving beneath the covers, before he rolls over, and his arm traps her. “Soojung …” he murmurs, half-awake, half-dreaming.
She just smiles and reaches over to cup his face in her palm, “Morning,” she tells him.
“Soojung,” he says again, consciousness catching up to him, “I think I love you. Is that too much to say?” He sighs, eyes focusing on her face, “I can’t lie to myself anymore.”
And this is dangerous, Soojung vaguely registers in the back of her mind, but her heart soars to hear this. “I think I love you too,” she manages in a whisper, words that she only intends for him to hear.
And he smiles, taking her by the hand. They spend the rest of the day eating local food and browsing through the small seaside shops. On a whim, they buy each other keychains - S for Soojung and J for Jongin - and they almost get a heart attack when Jongin accidentally drops his S keychain in his soda (so I’m not the only klutz around here, she muses, laughing). With her, Jongin finds that he can finally let loose, and he feels like a regular teenager again. They play tag on the beach, waves lapping at their toes, and he stages an impromptu photoshoot with him as the photographer and her as the model. Sunglasses on, her hair blowing in the sea breeze - he wants to capture it all (he doesn’t know if another time like this will come).
That night, they are under the starlit sky yet again, bonfire on the beach and s’mores roasting. She peers at him, studying his features. “Jongin,” she breathes, and he loves the way his name rolls off her tongue. He is silent, gazing at her in the light of the bonfire. Her beautiful eyes, her perfect nose, her luscious lips - there is a weird contraction in his chest but he kind of likes it - likes the way they can look at each other in silence and yet feel so at peace, save for the butterflies in his stomach.
She leans in, and she can feel his breath against her skin - so close - she pauses, waiting for him to move away. But he doesn’t, and his stare is as intense as ever, and she can see the earnestness in his eyes, how he inches closer until their lips are mere millimeters apart.
“Fuck it,” Jongin mutters under his breath, and his lips come crashing onto hers, desperate, longing, passionate. He wraps his arms around her as she falls to the sand, her own hands grabbing at his hair. Her lips are impossibly soft, and his heart swells when he feels her tongue begging for entrance. “Soojung,” he says, breath ragged. The kiss deepens as the two of them become lost in a tangle of limbs and rushing adrenaline. It excites her, because it’s finally them - finally, without inhibitions, and she vows to cherish this moment forever. She brings him closer, hugging him to her chest.
“Soojung,” he whispers as they pull away. She studies him then, noticing the way he’s staring at her, gently, lovingly, but she doesn’t miss the conflicted look in his eyes, the confusion, the brokenness. She loves him so much - Jongin - but she knows that the only way to mend his heart is to do the one thing he asked her not to do. I may not always be here, her heart clenches. But I know someone who will.
With newfound resolve, she snuggles into his embrace and lets sleep overtake her.
part 3b