DMFF - Chosen of a Goddess
[Editor's note: Story by Elvea Aure. No ownership is implied by my posting it here. See also the DMFF Main Page. ~Huinesoron]
[Additional note: In this story, the names of the characters rendered Lymnasta and Alystan are restored. The second 'a' in both names is a lost, accented vowel, assumed here to be an a. ~Huinesoron]
~~~~~
Not a single assassin down at Headquarters knows exactly how time goes by there, nor where the exact whereabouts of the Headquarters are. Whether they are somewhere in the world the assassins from Earth would call real or whether they are somewhere in between worlds is also a mystery.
All Joe knew was that when your partner was called away to the official of your department, you were the one to be bored to death. Training Bormir in catching flying pieces of bacon had been fun for a while, but when a chair caught fire in the enthusiasm of the two the fun soon ended. So now Joe sat quietly staring ahead of him in the DMFF response center and wondered what would happen to Mel.
Not that there weren't any fics in need of smiting by his department, but he wasn't allowed to go out into a fic on his own. Taking Bormir with him wasn't allowed either; apart from that it could cause half of Middle-earth to burn away it could seriously mess up the continuum. He sighed and poked the console in utter boredom.
'Is this the Department of Misplaced Flora and Fauna?' Joe looked up in surprise at the sudden breach of silence.
In the doorway of the response center stood two figures; a woman and a teenage girl. The woman had long, caramel-colored hair, neatly braided. Her eyes freaked Joe out, though; they were slit like those of a cat and were hazel-colored. Although she was quite petite she slightly frightened Joe with her appearance. Especially because she was carrying an unsheathed sword around. The younger girl had caramel blond hair to her shoulders and light eyes. She was carrying various mechanical tools with her that seemed to be snatched from the Star Trek props. Looking eerily real, though. Both of them were dressed in simple jeans, sneakers and a T-shirt; this gave the impression that neither of them had really been doing anything important for the PPC at the moment they were told to go find the DMFF.
'Yes, this is the DMFF,' Joe answered wearily, 'can I help you?'
'Well,' the girl said, 'actually we came to help you. You're Joe, right? We were sent to replace your partner, agent... Meneltari?' she looked at her companion for confirmation. Her partner nodded.
'That's very nice,' Joe replied, 'but who are you?'
'Oh, right!' the girl blushed slightly, 'I'm Ella, Ella Darcy from Author Correspondence. This is Verra. She's from the Department of Improbabilities. She came to help you on your next mission.'
'I see... but where does that put you?' Joe was not in a good mood. His last mission had ended up in the loss of his partner and although this wasn't necessarily permanent it could be a bitch on your patience. The last thing he needed was some teenager telling him he had to take her along instead of a really experienced assassin. (Only few assassins were called assassins before they had killed something and Mikey from Chain of Fools was a good example. Then again, Mikey was also a good example for explaining why one should not work with an inexperienced assassin. Mikey, crudely said, was a loser and a disaster.)
'I... uh, I...' Ella sought for words.
'Yes?'
'Author Correspondence could miss me for a while. Wasn't really anything interesting to do anyway. And I was curious to see how other departments work, that's why,' she answered triumphantly. No way in Heaven, Hell or Purgatory that she was going to let some guy acting as though he were PMS-ing get to her. This wasn't bloody high school.
'Nice to meet you, ladies. Yes, I'm Joe,' Joe sighed.
'WHERE IS HE?!!! I'LL SKIN HIM ALIVE!!! I'M GOING TO TATTOO 'THE VALAR ARE IDIOTS' ON HIS CHEST AND DUMP HIM IN TULKAS' LAP WITHOUT A SHIRT ON!!! I'M GONNA-' the angered shouts of a young woman made all three of them turn and look at the back of the response center. There stood Endomiel, holding back another very good-looking elven girl.
Endomiel tried to calm her. 'Ril, I'm sure he couldn't help it. I bet he didn't mean for Elvea to get thrown into the Void with Morgoth- lucky bitch- only I could come up with something so truly brilliant and evil, and-'
'DON'T CALL ME RIL!!! I HAVE A NAME!!! IT'S RIL-GANIA!!! NOW LET ME GO!!! I HAVE TO GO FIND THAT JOE-GUY AND SHOW HIM THE EXACT MEANING OF MORTALITY!!!'
Joe gulped. Whatever had happened to Mel had caused this girl to be very angry with him. So angry in fact that even the Goddess of Evil had trouble holding her back. That is generally speaking a bad thing. A very bad thing. He decided that this might be the right time for an early retirement. Somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle might be a good idea. Unfortunately for Joe the two agents were still standing in the doorway and there was no escape.
'Ril, calm down. No need to get all upset. For one thing, it's only Elvea we're talking about. We could do without that goody two-shoes for a while. Think about it, you and I could take over the world and-'
'ENDY!!!'
'Okay, so maybe not the world... but we could wreak some havoc...'
'Endy, she's your bloody sister! She was tied up and thrown into the Void with a note attached to her asking if Mr Morgoth, sir, would like to play footsie with her! That's asking for trouble!'
'Uh... why again?'
'BECAUSE THE VALAR CUT OFF HIS BLOODY FEET AND THAT TOPIC IS VERY SENSITIVE!!!'
'Still. It�'s only Morgoth. Morgoth's not really evil. He's only semi-evil. He's the Diet Coke of evil. I am evil. I invented it! He stole my idea! My master plan! My-'
'Sure Dr Evil. Just because you and he had a bad break-up doesn't mean that you can blame him for everything.'
'Hey, I dumped him, not the other way around. He wasn't evil enough.'
'So he ran off with the Silmarils and destroyed the Two Trees... blah blah... we've been there. And he didn't do that just to prove himself to you Endy. He did that because he's evil. Evil.'
'Now I remember why you always annoy me. 'You need Elvea, Endy. Without her there's no balance, Endy. Good and evil need each other, Endy. I don't want to interrupt Endy, but I'm only doing my job by helping restore the balance, Endy...' Do you know where you can stick your balance, Ril?'
'Ladies?' Joe tried to get between them. They ignored him.
'If daddy Eru hears of this he is so going to zapp your sorry butt to the pits of Utumno, Endy. You know just as well as I do that he doesn't appreciate-'
'Nagging Goddesses of Balance. I should've stayed in Middle-earth and taken advantage of Elvea's absence...'
'Yeah, why don't you go back and do that. Go ahead and take away all the balance that is left. There is enough evil there as it is with all those Mary Sues. If the Goddess of Evil would return there right now, it would mean the end of that world. And that will not be enjoyable. The most likely reason is because Morgoth will want the honor and Turin will come and kick both your butts.'
'Shut up, Ril.'
'Do it yourself, Endy.'
'Don't call me Endy.'
'Don't call me Ril.'
'Ladies? May I ask what is the reason for this?' Joe asked. They looked at him. Ril-gania, apparently another sister of Mel's, glared violently at him.
'Are you Joe?' she asked.
'Uh, yes?' he gulped nervously again.
'Then you are the reason for this. It's your fault that Elvea's in the Void right now, stuck with an angry Morgoth. If it wasn't for you-'
'Ignore her. She's only Balance. With Elvea missing she has the annoying habit of turning good to restore the balance and then she has all these silly feelings like compassion and friendliness toward the good guys. Makes me sick,' Endomiel interrupted her sister.
'Right...' Joe started backing away. One goddess was hard enough to handle on a daily base. He didn't want to stick around and find out whether or not it was possible to survive around an angered Goddess of Balance AND the Goddess of Evil.
'Don't even think about it, buster,' Ril continued glaring at him, 'you and I still have a score to-'
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
Never before had this sound been like such a symphony in Joe's ears. Finally, salvation. No more goddesses to bug him. Okay, he still had to work with the two others, but that wasn't so bad in comparison. All they had to do was to kill off a unicorn or nymph or whatever it was this time and then get back to the response center. How hard could it be?
Due to the Universal Laws of Comedy this would prove very hard. The gods, if there were any ruling over Headquarters, had a very sadistic sense of humor. Joe began to understand why common mortals generally didn't hang out with deities but instead built them nice temples far away in the mountains and sacrificed a lamb once a year. Anything to keep those freaky deities away.
[I'M BLOODY BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPINGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
'That would be our assignment,' Verra concluded. She smiled sweetly at Joe. He blinked. It looked somewhat evil because of her eyes. Someone or something sweetly smiling but possessing eyes with slit pupils just looked disturbing.
'Right. Let's get going,' Joe printed the Words and started to set the portal. He'd find out what the story was about later. Right now his main concern was to get away from the two goddesses.
'Shouldn't you read the fic first to see where we have to go and all?' Ella asked. Joe muttered something under his breath and looked at the Words.
'Oh Gods... it's a Forgotten Realms / LotR crossover...' he said, 'and a really bad one at that...'
'Of course it's bad you nincompoop- it wouldn't have been reported otherwise!' Ril replied. Joe ignored her. It was probably the wisest thing to do.
'So what creatures shall we disguise as?' Ella asked. She glanced at the Words and paled visibly. 'Ringwraiths would be nice...'
'Ringwraiths it is...' Verra confirmed.
'Wait- don't I have anything to say in this?' Joe asked.
'No,' Ril answered.
'You're not coming along!'
'Oh yes I am. And so is Endy,'
'IT'S ENDOMIEL!!!'
'And so is Endy,' Ril ignored her sister, 'unless, of course, you feel like doing a lap-dance for Gollum...' she smirked. Joe gulped and nodded. Darn goddesses and their wicked ways...
'Are we done? Let's go already!' Joe ushered everybody through the portal, quickly grabbing his gear along.
Something felt not right when they entered the universe. Maybe it was because they were not yet in Middle-earth, but most likely it was because of the evil gloom about them. The evil gloom of bad writing, the terrible darkness of a horrible (lack of) plot. The doom of a story containing more than one Sue.
Ella shuddered. 'I've seen some bad fics... full of Grelvish too... but this one is just scary.'
'How so?' Ril asked. For some odd reason she and Endy still looked their old selves.
'Did you look at the Words?'
'No...'
'Well, you see... I am a Legolas fangirl. Book-Legolas, though; not movie-Legolas. But what she does to him...' she let out a soft sob. Ril put a comforting arm around her shoulder.
'There, there... it's going to be alright. We'll just kill her, then we resurrect her, then we kill her again in a really nasty way, we resurrect her again... and so forth. Sound like a plan?'
Hope dawned in Ella's face. 'Really? We can do that? You're the coolest!' She glomped Ril.
'Can't... breathe...' Ril struggled for freedom.
'I hate to ruin the Kodak-moment,' Endy said with a smirk that made the statement rather unconvincing, 'but I would like to remind you that there are TWO Sues on the loose.'
'How did you know that?' Ril asked.
'I'm a goddess. I know everything.'
'So? I'm a goddess too. I don't know everything.'
'I mean everything evil. And Mary Sues are pretty evil, so when a couple of them are around I'd know.'
'I bet you bloody created them too...'
'Actually, that was-'
'LADIES!! Can we get back to the matter at hand?' Joe shouted.
'Right. The fic.'
The group sat down quietly and prepared for the first horror that was to come. The Author's Notes.
AN: This is my very first fic ever so go easy on me kay?
Character profiles
Name: Lymnasta Silverhand Moonflower
Age: 18
Personality: kind, loving, gentle, wise (but innocent in some ways; she's never even kissed!), sweet. Anyone who knows her loves her dearly, not only for her beauty but also intelligence and compassion. Lymnasta also loves children. She is a powerful wizardess, with her apprenticeship with her mother. What her mentor took decades to master, Lymnasta takes only a few months.
Family: is the daughter of Alustriel Silverhand and Lamruil Moonflower. She calls Elminster "grand-daddy", and other Sisters "aunties".
Appearance: blue hair with silver highlights, long pointy ears, pale skin, painted fingernails, 6 feet tall, slender and shapely. Her eyes are large and almond-shaped and green - like her mother's - with dancing silver flecks.
Verra blinked. 'Since when is every detail of a character given right at the start? Doesn't that spoil everything?'
'It most certainly doesn't leave any room for any character development...' Joe added.
'What kind of creature is it, anyway? A Mary Sue, okay... but WHY, for the love of daddy Eru, does she have BLUE hair?!' Ril started yanking her own hair out.
'It gets much worse...' Ella said glumly.
'Why? Because she is super-powerful?'
'That too.'
'Not to mention the ridiculous name...'
'Yuck,' Endomiel looked at the Words again, 'she's an even worse Sue than Elvea! This one is supposed to be a bloody saint!'
'So was Elvy,' Ril pointed out, 'except that because she was also Goddess of Vengeance the extreme goodness didn't always work...'
'Was?' Joe looked up in surprise. 'You speak as though Mel is dead...'
'She probably is in a state close to that, thanks to you...' Ril sent Joe a nasty look.
'She's so bloody perfect that it makes me hungry,' Verra licked her lips. The others blinked at her.
'Hungry?' Ella asked. Verra grinned at her, but did not reply.
As the author's notes went on another Sue was introduced, much alike to the previous one.
Name: Alystan Silverhand Do'Urden
Age: 19
Personality: rebellious, doesn't want to be a lady as her mother wants her to, but is responsible and steadfast. Loves animals and can talk to most of them, thanks to her ranger training with her father. She is an expert swordswoman and has some magical talents as well. Her skills are said to exceed even that of her famous drow father.
Family: is the daughter of Alustriel Silverhand and Drizzt Do'Urden.
Appearance: dark-skinned like her father, silver-haired like her mother. Has lavender eyes with blue flecks sparkling in them. Is almost 6 feet tall.
'I hate to be rude. Really, I do. I don't know much of the Forgotten Realms and all, but the way I see it the mother must have been a slut,' Ril commented.
'I think the parents are all canon characters of Forgotten Realms,' Joe said, 'but I don't know much about that either. Anyway this is pretty nasty...'
'I hate rebel-Sues...' Ella added, 'I don't want to be a lady, mommy... I wanna roll in the mud and get dirty and fight! Ick. Horrible. Now Eowyn was one darn cool shieldmaiden. But then again, Eowyn wasn't some nagging teenage brat.' The others nodded in acknowledgement and prepared for the actual start of the story.
*-/*Lymnasta POV*/-*
'It's quite disturbing, but I think I actually heard the author say who's point of view it is right now...' Endy pulled a disgusted face.
'And she made a grammar mistake too. It should be Lymnasta's POV...' Ril added, 'but I don't think it's all that bad to tell which point of view it is. It does make things clearer for the reader...'
"The High Lady of Silverymoon is dead!"
She still couldn't believe it. Alustriel Silverhand, one of the Chosen of Mystra, one of the most powerful beings in all of Faerun, was no more! *My sweet, loving, dear mother. Why did you leave me? How could they have killed you, so kind and so gentle? How could they? Oh, how will I tell the aunties this news? What about granddaddy El? What about Father?*
Lymnasta wants to cry, but she can't. She will have to tell her father about this, and prince Lamruil Moonflower of Evermeet already had too much to worry about. Alustriel had been his only consolation and a thing he loved above all, including his life and his elven realm.
Verra sneezed loudly. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'but I have some sort of allergy for elves. And this is a whole realm filled with them...' she was given some queer looks.
Losing Alustriel will unhinge him, Lymnasta knows.
'Am I the only one to think that Lymnasta sounds like "nasty" in some way?' Ella wonders aloud.
'I for one agree with you,' Ril replies.
'As do I,' Endy joins in.
But she had to be strong and brave. She had to live up to her mother's name, and she did qualify for it. Lymnasta's hair was long and thick (blue and has silver highlights), like a dark sky dotted with silver stars, tumbling down from her head to her ankles in lustrous waves. Her alabastrine skin was pale
'Her "alabastrine skin" was pale...' Joe sniggered, 'It makes her look daft. The pale part is usually already covered with "alabastrine". Could be just me though.'
and her cheeks rosy, her nose in just the right place and the right shape. Her face was chiseled and perfect, sharp and lovely. Her lips were full and red. Her eyes were large and emeraldine, and silver flecks danced in them whenever she laughed.
'...She was just as annoying as every other Mary Sue,' Ella glared at the Sue.
If she was angry, the flecks will disappear and her emerald eyes would become stormy sea-green that made everyone hurry out of her way. But Lymnasta did not get angry easily. Like her mother, she could control her temper and powers well beyond her 18 years. Most people marvel at her wisdom and intelligence. Some even thought she was greater than even Alustriel.
Ril started rocking back and forth slowly, staring glassily ahead of her. 'Tense-shifting... "even" twice in one sentence... bad grammar...' Endy gave her a nudge and she snapped back to her former self. 'Dear Eru, that was just AWFUL. Who gets to kill her?'
'ME!!!' It came simultaneously from five mouths. They blinked at each other.
'We'll see about that later on...' Joe decided.
At the moment, she was wearing a pale green silk robe. It hugs her slender, gorgeous form lovingly, and has low-cut neckline that leaves nothing to the imagination.
'Wait- I'm confused,' Ella says, falling into present tense, 'wasn't she supposed to be all innocent and stuff?' Joe nods. 'Then why the heck is she wearing that?!' Joe looks back at the Words, then he looks at the Sue. He grins. 'Indeed it leaves nothing to the imagination... that dress is see-through! She's not innocent; she's a whore in disguise!' Sniggers come from the others.
Around her long, slender neck is a necklace of diamond (diamonds were the best conduits of magic) that her mother gave her, telling her to give it to the one she loves when she finds him. Lymnasta touches the necklace know, wondering if she ever will. The necklace has strong magic. It will bind two souls together forever. It must not be given lightly.
'C'mere m'dear...' Endy hums, 'I'll give that necklace to a very special person...' she grins evilly.
'That person being...?' Ril asks.
Endy sniggers. 'Gollum... or possibly Treebeard. Or Shelob... no! To the Watcher in the Water!'
'How about Wormtongue?' Joe suggests. Every female in the party shudders.
'I like you,' Endy states, 'for that Wormtongue-idea is really, really evil.'
Joe grins. 'You like me, huh?'
Endy smiles seductively. Anyone with common sense would know that when the Goddess of Evil smiles at you like that it is most likely that something nasty is about to happen. Then again, Joe does not belong in the group specified with "having common sense".
'Yeah, I do...' she answers, 'you're more creative than the average minion...'
Ril frowns. It is obvious that her sister is up to something, although it remains a mystery what it is. She doesn't warn Joe though- she doesn't like him anyway. 'What are you doing Saturday night?' the obvious question comes from Joe.
'Nothing yet, but it just might be something very interesting if you can convince me to spend that evening with you...' Endy replies.
Joe grins. 'Just the evening?' Endy winks at him. The others roll their eyes and focus on the story.
She was unaware of her incredible grace and beauty. *People only say that I'm beautiful because I'm the High Lady's daughter. They are being nice.*
Several gags from the agents and the goddesses. They portal themselves a few hours ahead.
That night, Mystra came to her as she prays for guidance. (AN: Mystra is the FR goddess of magic. Her Chosen are mortals who are her favored servants. They are extremely powerful beings who act to preserve magic. The Seven Sisters are direct daughters of Mystra. So you could say Lym and Alys are a bit of goddesses.)
'That is supposed to be part goddess?' Ril blinks and moves to strangle the Sue. 'I'll show her what a REAL goddess is!' Endy grabs her arms and pulls her back.
'Later, dearie. When she's done enough damage we'll show her. We'll show her how real goddesses play. Unfortunately for her, she will never understand the fun of playing Melnyan...' Endy grins. Ril now does the same.
'What's Melnyan? Is it something elvish? It sounds like some kind of odd elvish word...' Ella asks.
'Oh no, it's not at all elvish. It's a goddess-thing, really. You'll find out later,' Ril answers.
'Good. Because this Sue and her greatness is making me nauseous.'
*Offspring of my daughter.* The goddess says. *Your mother was my Chosen. She was dear to me, and she now rests in my place most happily. Do not fear.*
"Oh, thank you, Mystra!" Lymnasta cries, lifting her hands toward the goddess's glowing form. "Give my love to Mother!"
*I will, love.* The goddess lifts Lymnasta's chin. *But the position of a Chosen is vacant. I must find a worthy replacement.*
'One: since when is "*" used as a tag for indicating dialogue, and two: what kind of pathetic goddess is that Mystra? She sounds weak...' Endy says.
The goddess's subtle meaning strikes Lymnasta. "I am not worthy, great goddess!"
*Perhaps you are. You are kind and compassionate, intelligent and wise, and knows the ways of magic.
More gagging follows.
'How daft is this goddess figure? She doesn't even use proper grammar! This is an insult to us goddesses!' Ril says indignantly.
Your mother has taught you well. Do you wish to be my chosen servant, my mortal agent?*
"Yes!" Lymnasta was ecstatic. "I do, goddess!"
*Then you must prove yourself. There is great evil in a land called Middle-earth. Go there, and give the people what aid they need.*
'The best way of doing this is by committing suicide...' Ella commented. The story had temporarily shifted back to past tense. They prepared for a worse switch- the switch of point of view.
*-/* Alystan POV*/-*
Alystan Silverhand Do'Urden pats her companion gently. The snow leopard, Whitefoot, purrs at her touch.
'Is that thing coming to Middle-earth?' Verra asks, nodding toward the leopard. Joe nods. Tense has shifted yet again. 'Misplaced fauna in the shape of a cute animal friend... ick.'
Her father was visiting her mother and should be back any minute now. Alystan was a half-drow, daughter of Alustriel Silverhand and Drizzt Do'Urden.
'Wait- this is a crossover, right?' Ella asks. Verra and Ril nod in reply. 'Does she count as misplaced fauna then? Because she's from another world and all... isn't that an exception?'
'Only if she's a canon character from this universe,' Joe answers, 'but alas, she is not. So she dies. What a tragedy.'
Her hair, plaited in countless braids, was as silver as moonlight. Her skin was black and glossy as obsidian, her limbs long and slender. Her vibrant eyes are lavender, just like Drizzt's.
Verra looks to be violently ill. 'Black with hair like moonlight? Yech...'
'The vibrant eyes are more annoying...' Endy comments, 'it's like she has some kind of eye-disease and can't keep them still...'
Around her slim waiste was a velvet belt, and she wore a velvet gown to match.
'I bought a new belt. To match it I bought a gown as well...' Ril gagged.
'The author can't be that clever. Do you know what a "waiste" is?' Joe shuddered at the audible spelling mistake. 'Waste? For she is a waste of disk space... but maybe the author meant "waist"... say it with me people: SPELLCHECK.'
It was enchanted, so didn't tear when she spent time in the wilderness.
'The belt or the gown? Or both? Ugh. Implausible clothes for going out in the wild. You try to get that darn human that ran off with your necklace when you're in the middle of the forest clad in some gown. It may not get torn, but then you'll get stuck. Stupid Sue,' Ril glared at the said creature.
She was equipped with twin scimitars and a long elven bow. She moves with absolute grace that reminds one of undulating waters. She was skilled in swordsfight and archery, her talents far exceeding her own father's - and that was saying a lot, considering that Drizzt Do'Urden was the best swordsman in all of Faerun.
'Swordsfight? Is that a word now?' Joe frowned.
'And of course she's the best darn warrior in the world... how modest,' Verra gagged. 'Can I eat her?'
'Maybe later,' Joe absentmindedly answered. He was busy writing down all the charges- quite a lot for one chapter so far.
It was Alystan who laid waste to Menzoberranzan and later defeated Artemis Entreri, ridding her father of his enemies once and for all. With magic inherited from her mother to aid her, she proved to be more than capable.
'I'm a cheesecake if she's powerful enough to beat Artemis. That is one tough cookie, I can tell,' Endy admitted. 'This praising characters into heaven is just sickening...'
'That's what the Continuum Protection Initiative was designed for. I mean for getting rid of those stories, of course,' Ella says.
Two very short scenes follow. The first shows how Alystan finds out that her mother is dead; in the second Mystra appears to her and tells her to compete with Lymnasta for gaining the place of a chosen one.
'It could be me, but I think that this here is a huge plot hole. If this Al- oh whatever her name was- if this being is powerful enough to beat even Artemis, why would she want to serve some other goddess?' Ril asks. No one is able to answer that.
The team portals to Middle-earth, right into a very messed up version of Rivendell. The point of view switches again, and they are back with Lymnasta. In a palace, apparently. They have no clue of what happened to the Last Homely House.
Lymnasta paces around King Elrond's palace, pondering things. The elves have warmly welcomed her as a fellow elf, although Lymnasta knows that they'd throw her out as soon as they knew she was only half-elfish. Arwen didn't even try to be civil! The elfish princess was jealous of Lymnasta, it seems, although she new not why.
Ella stuck her finger deep into her throat. 'Please! Arwen means LADY! Noble maiden! Would she behave like that? I doubt it! And she would certainly NOT be jealous of some blue-haired Mary Sue!'
'I'd like to know when Elrond became king, when Rivendell turned into a palace and why Elrond would throw out someone for being a half-elf. Elrond HALFELVEN, anyone?' Joe mused.
'ELVISH. Not elfish. It's all I'm saying,' Verra glared at the Sue.
She has departed to Middle-earth in a hurry, leaving a mess behind. She had barely said goodbye to her father and granddaddy El, never mind her mother's sisters. Most of them were too far away anyway, and Aunt Simbul was at best unstable. Lymnasta feels so sad she wants to cry when she remembers how her father looked when he heard of her mother's fall. Granddaddy was no less aggrived, but he new Mystra better than the rest of them and could talk to the goddess any time. Lym's aunties were sorrowful, and Aunt Simbul was in a rage.
'What's "aggrived"?' Joe asked.
To relief the hurt in her heart, she sang.
The party cringed and covered their ears as the Sue started singing May It Be.
Her voice was beyond the imagination of mortals. It was beautiful and sorrowful at once, sweet and deeply tinged with her grief for her mother. It rang like a thousand glass bells and a thousand songbirds.
'I am so perfect. I am a Sue. Legolas, oh Legolas, where are you?'
'Nice poem, Ella. Suits a Sue...' Ril sniggered.
And so 'twas that Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood found her.
Ella gagged. 'Why?! Why?!'
He has been practicing his archery and came upon this blue-haired maiden that he thought must surely be elfish.
'So she has blue hair, BLUE hair, and Legolas doesn't wonder about the reason why her hair has that ridiculous color? Instead he just assumes that she is elvish! He doesn't even stop to THINK about the fact that it is not a natural elven haircolor!' Endy sank to the ground.
Mesmerized, he listened to her song with eyes captivated on her. His elvin eyes examine every detail of Lymnasta: her flawless, pale skin; her splendid, silver-flecked eyes; her lithesome shape beneath her pale green robe. Her hands are clasped upon her breasts as she sings, her face lifted to the heavens and her eyes closed.
'I am so perfect. I am a Sue. Legolas, oh Legolas; I lust after you...' Ella started rocking back and forth slowly.
Joe looked at the Words. 'Better yet: I am so perfect. I am a Sue. Legolas, o Legolas; I came to shag you.' A loud thud followed. Ella lay spread out on the floor, breathing heavily. She looked as though she was about to have an epileptic fit. Ril helped her get back up and calmed her a bit.
"Who art thee?" He asks when the maiden ends her song with a last, mournful note.
Ella wails. 'Who art thee? Since when does Legolas use archaic English? Since when does Legolas use bastardized archaic English?! Who art thou!'
'Ssssh,' Endy hushes her. 'They might hear you.'
Lymnasta jumped but still arises gracefully to meet the elfish prince.
'Wait- first she was pacing around and started singing, and now she suddenly jumps up but still manages to arise gracefully?! That makes no sense. I missed the part where she sat down, too,' Ril looks confused, not only from the continuous tense shifts even within one sentence.
As she laid her eyes upon him, she knew 'twas her true love, and the diamond on her necklace glows with a silver light that matches the highlights in her hair. The elfish prince was the most magnificent sight she had seen. He had blonde hair, some of which was in a braid. A green tunic and brown pants clothed him, and a long bow was slung across his back. His eyes are bright and blue, like a depthless sky on a sunny day. His body was simply glorious. "I am Lymnasta Silverhand Moonflower, daughter of High Lady Alustriel Silverhand and Prince Lamruil Moonflower of Evermeet." She answers. And then she remembers that she should not tell anyone of her heritage so easily. "Who are you?"
'Am I the only one to think that three of those ridiculously long names stuck in one sentence just sounds godawful?' Ella asked.
"Prince Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood am I, son of Thranduil, crown-prince?" Legolas makes a deep bow and gives her a smile. "Never hast I seen a beauty such as yours, lady. Truly thou dost surpass even the fabled Luthien Tinuviel, she who is fairest of all, and Galadriel combined."
'Yoda Syndrome have I,' Joe says as he reaches for his CAD.
[Legolas, canon character. CHARACTER RUPTURE: 124%; ERROR!]
The CAD gave a soft "piff" and short-circuited. Fortunately it was an upgrade and wouldn't explode over such a terrible thing. The party cried silently in pain over the loss of the device, but mainly over the loss of Legolas' personality and his painful use of "archaic" English. Not to mention the enormous insult to the fair Tinuviel herself.
Lymnasta blushes. "I-"
Legolas did not wait for her reply. He walks toward, and Lymnasta somehow found herself in his arms. His lips captured her full, red ones. Lymnasta felt her knees went weak, and felt the prince's arms support her. He kisses her face and her neck, his hands wondering to her breasts as he gently laid her down to the grass. His breath tickles her and she shudders.
'This dialogue is equal to "Hi, this is my name. Wanna fuck?" ' Joe comments.
'Alright. That's it. I have had enough of this. I'm sick and tired of this. You are going to die. Now,' Ella steps forward and reveals herself to the couple in the grass. Caught underneath Legolas, the Sue could do little against the kick aimed at her ribs. 'You filthy little slut. Stupid Sue with your I'm-so-sweet-and-innocent act. It tends to lose some credibility when you start foreplay with Legolas within five minutes after you first meet. Do you know how many words you two exchanged, huh? Well, do you?' Angry Ella looks impressively scary. 'SIXTY-FOUR! SIXTY-FOUR, YOU LITTLE-'
Legolas, at first surprised by Ella's appearance, blinks and gets some of his wit back. He looks at Ella again, and then; 'Ai! Ai!' wails Legolas, 'A Nazgul! A Nazgul is come!' He jumps up.
'Oh, quiet you,' Endy steps forward and grabs Legolas' arm. 'She's not that bad, really. Now come with me, I have something important to show you...' Endy winks at Joe, who tosses her the neuralyzer. She drags him out of eyesight and several moments later a bright flash follows. Some faint whispers and Endy returns.
The Sue, still not knowing what is going on, lies cowering on the floor in sight of this terror. Not because it is a Nazgul, but because Ella is very, very angry with her. Ella snatches the notebook with charges from Joe's hands.
'My turn,' she states. 'Ready, you little whore?' She glares at the Sue. 'Lymnasta blahblah whatever the rest of your ridiculous name was, it is my duty to inform you that you are arrested by agents from the Continuum Protection Initiative. The charges are the following: You have caused serious character ruptures to Legolas, making him lose all sense of what he really is like, and in his confusion you made him use bad archaic English. You also made him act like some love-struck fool. For that alone I should kill you. But there's more. You are also guilty of an environment disruption by turning Rivendell in some ridiculous medieval palace, you are guilty of using unnecessary person and-' she sobs silently, 'shifts of tense that made us all violently ill, you have behaved anachronistic by singing May It Be in Middle-earth which makes no sense WHATSOEVER, you have caused events to eventuate solely for your own bloody benefit, you have used horrible plot devices such as owning ridiculous magical jewelry and displaying Mary Sue like powers, in fact you ARE a Mary Sue, you have mangled the beautiful English language in every way imaginable and with that made out ears bleed, you have a ridiculous name, you have employed silly melodramatics and an unbearably beautiful voice, you display extreme stupidity, you act like a whore, you annoy me to no end, you were trying to seduce Legolas and NOBODY gets away with that AND you have insulted Luthien Tinuviel nearly beyond healing by trying to be prettier than she when in fact all you do is assault our eyes with your godawful looks. Also, you made Legolas act stupid. You have no rights.'
'I do not know what I did wrong!' Lymnasta cried, 'I am here because I was sent by Mystra! I am a chosen one!'
'Doth sucketh mightily and verily,' Ella mocks. Ril knew this was her cue and roughly pulls the Sue from the floor. They drag her outside and tie her to a tree. Ril produces a large bow and several arrows out of nowhere, ignoring the no-using-magic-inside-canon rule.
'Do you know how to use this?' Ril asks. Ella grins.
'I'll find out... eventually.'
The Sue died a tragic death. Indeed when she had died she rather resembled a pincushion. But by some magic that could only come from a goddess she was revived. And promptly zapped. She now knew what it felt like to be struck by lightning. Unfortunately it was the end of her. But another goddess than the one that had revived her aforetime revived her again. She was zapped to death again. This went on for a while, and as Ella watched Ril and Endy at work she started to understand what the game "Melnyan" really was.
If the name of the game had originally been put together from some elvish words, then it was now unrecognizable. It had to be a word from another language, because Ella couldn't imagine the game having anything to do with "love". Except maybe the love for torturing.
'Excuse me ladies, but there is another Sue in need of smiting, before she-' Joe blinked, 'before she melts Arwen's face...'
Ella and the goddesses allowed themselves to be interrupted and followed through the portal. They were now in Alystan's point of view, back in the "palace" of King Elrond the UnCanon.
Alystan stomps her foot and scowls at the elfish man who had tried to shoot down her snow leopard companion, Whitefoot. "How *dare* you?!" She yells at him. "Whitefoot is not only my pet, but my steadfast companion too."
The elfish man cowers before Alystan, looking very, very scared. "I... I am sorry, lady!"
"What's your name?" Alystan demands. "I am so going to talk to your captain!"
"I am Elladan, lady, son of King Elrond."
"Oh. Well. Never mind, then. I'm here to meet your father, by the by. Can I meet him now?"
Elladan nods frantically, too awed by the dark-skinned lady to do anything else. She was probably an elf, seeing her long, pointy ears, but her skin was not pale as most elves's. It was as black as onyx, glossy as dark silk. She looked to him to be a goddess-like beauty. He also remembers that she wore two scimitars at her belt, and shivers in fear of crossing her.
'Gee, someone's having a bad case of PMS...' Ella says, falling back in present tense.
'Apart from that she makes Elladan fall completely out of character,' Joe grumbles as he stows the second broken CAD of the day in his backpack.
'She looks ridiculous. I feel insulted. If that is goddess-like beauty...' Ril taps her foot in annoyance.
When they were at Elrond's room, Alystan declared. "I am Alystan Silverhand Do'Urden, and I demand an audience with the king!"
Elrond, a senile and wrinkled elf, looks at the half-drow fearfully. "Yes, lady. I am the king. What will you have me do?"
The company blinked. They looked at Elrond. Then they blinked again. In front of them was a bent old elf, wrinkled and looking senile. His hair was grayish and for some odd reason he was wearing a large and tacky gold crown on his once so noble and beautiful head. All they could see now was something sharing a name with the noble Elf lord known as Elrond.
Joe starts taking notes again.
"I'm sent by the goddess Mystra to aid you in the quest to destroy some ring. Well, where is it? I can probably blast it to little bits with one spell."
'And of course Elrond knows who this Mystra is right away... he doesn't mistrust this stranger at all, even though she knows way too much about the Ring and its whereabouts...' Ella sighs.
"We shall have a council, lady. Your half-sister is here." "Aha, the prudish pansy is here? Good. I'll enjoy torturing her, as usual. Where's the bitch?"
Elrond winces at the half-drow's language, but pointed at the gardens outside.
'Ick. She uses slang, too...' Ril hisses at the Sue.
'Wait- didn't we just kill that other Sue and got Legolas away from- ARG! Another plot hole! First she was inside the palace, and now the couple's magically outside all of a sudden?' Endy looks confused.
Joe looks alarmed. 'According to the story that would be so... but we just solved that situation, so-'
Alystan didn't find what she expected. There her half-sister was, sleeping in the arms of an *extremely* handsome he-elf in a glade. They were both naked. Alystan shocked and angrily swears.
There are no two figures outside. Alystan begins to shudder and the ground begins to shake. Trembling, the party takes cover, hoping not to get injured. All's well as ends well and eventually the chaos ends.
'That was close...' Joe sighs.
'What was it?' Ril asks.
'A story ripple. It's like a canon ripple, but then a ripple in the fic itself. Because we killed Lymnasta some things changed and it caused this ripple,' Ella answers gravely.
'Ah.'
'By the way- what the hell does "Alystan shocked and angrily swears" mean?' Endy asks. The others shrug.
Alystan flees the scene and runs into princess Arwen. Arwen frowns at the half-drow, jealousy rising once more to see a woman more beautiful than she. To boot, Alystan seems a lot more exotic.
"Apologize on your knees." Said Arwen. "Thou hast offended I, who am a princess of this palace, and thou wilt not get away with it before thou grovel for my forgiveness."
'Is that Arwen?' Ella blinked, back in past tense. 'She turned Arwen into a monster! With terrible grammar, too!'
'And of course she's jealous of the Sue's beauty...' Ril sighed wearily.
"Like hell I will!" Alystan screams at the elfish princess, making Arwen flinch a little. "Look, I'm in a bad mood, okay? Don't make me lose my temper and chop you to little bits."
"How dare thee!" Arwen cries and casts a Fireball spell. Alystan casted Spell Trap to absorb the Fireball, and then casted Timestop. She grins and hurls a Melf's Acid Arrow at Arwen, following it with a Lightning Bolt.
'What. The. FUCK?!!!' Ril blinks.
'Let me handle this,' Endy said.
She snapped her fingers and the scene froze. The arrow and lightning bolt stopped mid-air. Endy walked to them and poked them. They fell to the ground in small heaps of dust. With more quick hand-gestures Endy got the Sue stuck to a tree and unfroze her.
'Look here, missy, you've violated a lot of rules by going in this world. You did pretty much everything wrong what your sister did, but there are some extra charges. You have caused severe character ruptures to Elladan, Lord Elrond and Arwen, you nearly broke up a canon romance by attempting to kill Arwen, you attempted to kill Arwen, you have caused Arwen to act like a spoilt teenager, you insulted Lord Elrond and his family, you mutilated Lord Elrond into something unrecognizable and wrinkly, you are of a non-canonical race, you caused elven magic to look like conventional witch-and-warlock magic, you have used bad plot devices like having a cute animal friend, a magical piece of jewelry and you display Mary Sue-like powers, which is not a miracle because just like your sister, you are one. I would repeat all other charges against you, but your sister knows- sorry, knew those. Any last words?'
'Yes, I do,' the Sue answered. 'DIE BITCH!!!'
She used her Suvian powers to get her hands free and sent a fiery orb in Endy's direction. Unfortunately for her, Endy was a real goddess, and an evil one at that. Endy was also quite powerful, unlike any goddess only written to be defeated. Therefore she simply stepped aside and the orb dissolved into nothing a few meters behind her. The Sue looked at her incredulously.
'Why won't you just die?!' she cried. She attacked again a couple of times. It proved useless. She then tried to freeze time and Endy along with it, but found her magical powers disabled.
'We're here to show you the power of a real goddess. Two goddesses even, so you're lucky. Or not, it depends on your perspective...' Ril grinned as she poked the shining ball of energy floating in the air above her. It made a light-saber kind of sound and then disappeared with a small "pop" of air suddenly falling into the place where the orb had been. 'Those were your magical powers. If you are clever, you'll realize that right now you have none.'
Joe let out a sigh. The goddesses were pissed and were probably preparing for some lengthy torturing. It was time Arwen unfroze and was taken away. Something behind him growled menacingly at him. He turned around. It was the Sue's snow leopard.
'Uhm, ladies?' he tried to get the attention of Endy and Ril. No response, except for a tormented scream of the Sue. 'Ladies?' The creature growled at him again and looked about to attack. More growls and then it lunged at him.
Twang. An arrow cut through the air and hit the creature in the throat. Halfway its leap it fell lifeless to the ground. Ella grinned triumphantly.
'Looks like the target practice really was good for something,' she said as she laid down the large bow. Joe sighed in relief.
'Cheers. For a moment there I thought this was the end of me...' he said. More screams from behind him.
'Not so long as there are more agents on the job... speaking of which, where's Verra?'
The two assassins looked around. There were Endy and Ril, doing nasty things to the Sue. They silently prayed that the goddesses would never have a reason to hate them. Joe gulped, remembering that Ril already hated him. Verra was nowhere in sight.
'You don't think we left her with that other Sue, do you?' Ella asked.
'Eh... uhm... did we get rid of her body in the first place?' Joe replied. Ella thought for a moment, then shook her head. Joe sighed and reached for his remote activator. 'This has got to be the most messed up mission ever...' he mumbled.
He opened the portal and stepped through, followed by Ella. The sight that awaited them was most surprising, if not somewhat disturbing. Between the trees sat a dragon, looking quite contented. Ella shrieked and hid behind a tree.
The body of the Sue was no longer there, but with one glance at the dragon Joe didn't even need to guess what had happened to it. He wanted to hide from the dragon before it noticed him, but he was frozen on the spot in fear. Where the hell did it come from? There had been no dragon in the Words!
The dragon turned its head. Joe gulped. Just when he thought he'd been through all the bad things that could possibly happen inside the fic everything got worse. Did the story ripple somehow produce this... this... abomination?
The dragon winked at him. He blinked. It had winked at him. He looked at the dragon. Somehow it seemed familiar. As he looked at it the creature slowly started to shrink and change shape. A little while later the dragon was gone and a grinning Verra stood in its place. She burped, then giggled. Joe blinked again.
'You... you're... you're a shapeshifter?' he asked.
'You could call it that...' Verra replied. Ella came from behind the tree.
'The least thing you could've done was telling us about it...' she said. Verra shrugged.
A soft thud behind them drew their attention.
'What do we do with this?' Endy asked. In front of her were the... remains... of the second Sue. Those parts that were left kind of stank, as if the body had decomposed in mere seconds instead of long years. By all the deformations Joe guessed that the Sue had most likely died about a thousand gruesome deaths. By the grin on Ril's face he knew this for sure.
'I'm still hungry...' Verra told her. Endy blinked at her.
'Eh, sure. You can keep it. But don't eat it before we get back, okay?'
Verra nodded. 'She'll make a nice snack...'
'By the way, thanks for the new coat,' Endy said. She pointed at the dead snow leopard Ril was holding.
'It's a dead creature. You'll have to skin it... and stuff... before it is a coat,' Ella pointed out.
Endy quirked an eyebrow. 'Do I?' She snapped her fingers. Ril was holding a very nice fur coat, exactly Endy's size.
'I'm not sure if you should use so much magic within canon...' Joe carefully noted.
'Oh, don't worry about that. Just so long as we don't use it to influence canon... right Ril?'
'Precisely.'
'Did you get Arwen unfrozen and all? Joe asked.
'Yup,' Ril answered.
'Ah. Good. Let's get out of here then...' He opened the portal again, this time set back to Headquarters.
When he got through he let out a sigh and let himself fall into a chair. Verra came last, carrying her "snack". She closed the portal behind her. Ella shook his hand and mumbled something like 'nice working with you', then she quickly left the response center. Verra nodded in his direction and followed behind Ella.
'So... about my sister...' Ril said.
'Yes?' Joe asked wearily.
'Do you know what I'm about to do to you?'
'Not before Saturday!' Endy's voice came from around the corner of the door. She was off to find a mirror and check out her new coat.
'Quiet you!'
Joe gulped. 'You're going to give me a nice massage?' he asked hopefully, yet with a faint hint of despondency.
'Wrong answer. I'm going to-'
Will recruit Ril-gania please report to my office?
'Uh-oh...'
~*~
[A/N: We've all seen this fic. We've all seen the horror. We all knew it needed to be MST'd. At first I was disappointed when it was deleted, because it had scared me so much and I wanted my vengeance. But then Lady Elwing sent me the file and I got to make the Sues die anyway. Was so happy! So hereby a big thank-you to her, also for her help in the somewhat creative threats. It made the chapter look much, much better.
I would also like to thank Kippur and Ella Darcy for offering me two temporary partners (brave enough) to work with Joe. It was great fun putting them in.
Some more thank-you's go to oracle and Chak (sorry for the spelling error earlier- it was late), who also offered me their characters for this chapter. I couldn't use too many at once, so they didn't make it in here. Fortunately (?) there are three more fics waiting to be smitten, so they'll get to see the DMFF from the inside in the next chapter. Thank you guys for volunteering!!
Final thanks go to everyone who submitted fics thus far. They will all be done in the near future. Now that school's over I have plenty of time for those things. Expect a sylph in the next chapter, a horde of fairies in the one after that, and in the final one I have listed as reported we'll get to see a gryphon die. I'm not sure whether I should consider all the reports a good thing or a bad thing tho. (Good because it means people are reading this, bad because there are so many crappy fics).
As usual I am not scared of constructive criticism. If you find any errors left in here, please let me know. Feel free to stalk me with them either over the PPC message board, over email or over AIM (screenname Nelloth). I'll be glad to correct them. Of course you are also allowed to praise me into heaven, but that's only optional. Besides, my ego is big enough as it is. Be careful with boosting it. Flames will be laughed at. If I feared them I wouldn't be writing this. Besides, Bormir the mini-Balrog quite enjoys them.
I will end these overly long notes with informing you all about two essays I am working on, and I'm sure the PPC will find them very useful (Miss Cam and Lord Elrond might also find them useful- for making stubborn students copy them a thousand times writing with their own blood, for instance...). One is about why every LotR fan fiction author should read the books before writing (we all know we needed one) and the other is about why certain creatures are not to be found in Middle-earth. The last one I already mentioned at the boards. I will send it to every author writing un-canonical creatures, giving them the option to delete the fic or be smitten. Anyone seeing such a fic and sending the essay for me will be praised into heaven / Valinor / a bathtub with desired lust object. Thank you!]
[Additional note: In this story, the names of the characters rendered Lymnasta and Alystan are restored. The second 'a' in both names is a lost, accented vowel, assumed here to be an a. ~Huinesoron]
~~~~~
Not a single assassin down at Headquarters knows exactly how time goes by there, nor where the exact whereabouts of the Headquarters are. Whether they are somewhere in the world the assassins from Earth would call real or whether they are somewhere in between worlds is also a mystery.
All Joe knew was that when your partner was called away to the official of your department, you were the one to be bored to death. Training Bormir in catching flying pieces of bacon had been fun for a while, but when a chair caught fire in the enthusiasm of the two the fun soon ended. So now Joe sat quietly staring ahead of him in the DMFF response center and wondered what would happen to Mel.
Not that there weren't any fics in need of smiting by his department, but he wasn't allowed to go out into a fic on his own. Taking Bormir with him wasn't allowed either; apart from that it could cause half of Middle-earth to burn away it could seriously mess up the continuum. He sighed and poked the console in utter boredom.
'Is this the Department of Misplaced Flora and Fauna?' Joe looked up in surprise at the sudden breach of silence.
In the doorway of the response center stood two figures; a woman and a teenage girl. The woman had long, caramel-colored hair, neatly braided. Her eyes freaked Joe out, though; they were slit like those of a cat and were hazel-colored. Although she was quite petite she slightly frightened Joe with her appearance. Especially because she was carrying an unsheathed sword around. The younger girl had caramel blond hair to her shoulders and light eyes. She was carrying various mechanical tools with her that seemed to be snatched from the Star Trek props. Looking eerily real, though. Both of them were dressed in simple jeans, sneakers and a T-shirt; this gave the impression that neither of them had really been doing anything important for the PPC at the moment they were told to go find the DMFF.
'Yes, this is the DMFF,' Joe answered wearily, 'can I help you?'
'Well,' the girl said, 'actually we came to help you. You're Joe, right? We were sent to replace your partner, agent... Meneltari?' she looked at her companion for confirmation. Her partner nodded.
'That's very nice,' Joe replied, 'but who are you?'
'Oh, right!' the girl blushed slightly, 'I'm Ella, Ella Darcy from Author Correspondence. This is Verra. She's from the Department of Improbabilities. She came to help you on your next mission.'
'I see... but where does that put you?' Joe was not in a good mood. His last mission had ended up in the loss of his partner and although this wasn't necessarily permanent it could be a bitch on your patience. The last thing he needed was some teenager telling him he had to take her along instead of a really experienced assassin. (Only few assassins were called assassins before they had killed something and Mikey from Chain of Fools was a good example. Then again, Mikey was also a good example for explaining why one should not work with an inexperienced assassin. Mikey, crudely said, was a loser and a disaster.)
'I... uh, I...' Ella sought for words.
'Yes?'
'Author Correspondence could miss me for a while. Wasn't really anything interesting to do anyway. And I was curious to see how other departments work, that's why,' she answered triumphantly. No way in Heaven, Hell or Purgatory that she was going to let some guy acting as though he were PMS-ing get to her. This wasn't bloody high school.
'Nice to meet you, ladies. Yes, I'm Joe,' Joe sighed.
'WHERE IS HE?!!! I'LL SKIN HIM ALIVE!!! I'M GOING TO TATTOO 'THE VALAR ARE IDIOTS' ON HIS CHEST AND DUMP HIM IN TULKAS' LAP WITHOUT A SHIRT ON!!! I'M GONNA-' the angered shouts of a young woman made all three of them turn and look at the back of the response center. There stood Endomiel, holding back another very good-looking elven girl.
Endomiel tried to calm her. 'Ril, I'm sure he couldn't help it. I bet he didn't mean for Elvea to get thrown into the Void with Morgoth- lucky bitch- only I could come up with something so truly brilliant and evil, and-'
'DON'T CALL ME RIL!!! I HAVE A NAME!!! IT'S RIL-GANIA!!! NOW LET ME GO!!! I HAVE TO GO FIND THAT JOE-GUY AND SHOW HIM THE EXACT MEANING OF MORTALITY!!!'
Joe gulped. Whatever had happened to Mel had caused this girl to be very angry with him. So angry in fact that even the Goddess of Evil had trouble holding her back. That is generally speaking a bad thing. A very bad thing. He decided that this might be the right time for an early retirement. Somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle might be a good idea. Unfortunately for Joe the two agents were still standing in the doorway and there was no escape.
'Ril, calm down. No need to get all upset. For one thing, it's only Elvea we're talking about. We could do without that goody two-shoes for a while. Think about it, you and I could take over the world and-'
'ENDY!!!'
'Okay, so maybe not the world... but we could wreak some havoc...'
'Endy, she's your bloody sister! She was tied up and thrown into the Void with a note attached to her asking if Mr Morgoth, sir, would like to play footsie with her! That's asking for trouble!'
'Uh... why again?'
'BECAUSE THE VALAR CUT OFF HIS BLOODY FEET AND THAT TOPIC IS VERY SENSITIVE!!!'
'Still. It�'s only Morgoth. Morgoth's not really evil. He's only semi-evil. He's the Diet Coke of evil. I am evil. I invented it! He stole my idea! My master plan! My-'
'Sure Dr Evil. Just because you and he had a bad break-up doesn't mean that you can blame him for everything.'
'Hey, I dumped him, not the other way around. He wasn't evil enough.'
'So he ran off with the Silmarils and destroyed the Two Trees... blah blah... we've been there. And he didn't do that just to prove himself to you Endy. He did that because he's evil. Evil.'
'Now I remember why you always annoy me. 'You need Elvea, Endy. Without her there's no balance, Endy. Good and evil need each other, Endy. I don't want to interrupt Endy, but I'm only doing my job by helping restore the balance, Endy...' Do you know where you can stick your balance, Ril?'
'Ladies?' Joe tried to get between them. They ignored him.
'If daddy Eru hears of this he is so going to zapp your sorry butt to the pits of Utumno, Endy. You know just as well as I do that he doesn't appreciate-'
'Nagging Goddesses of Balance. I should've stayed in Middle-earth and taken advantage of Elvea's absence...'
'Yeah, why don't you go back and do that. Go ahead and take away all the balance that is left. There is enough evil there as it is with all those Mary Sues. If the Goddess of Evil would return there right now, it would mean the end of that world. And that will not be enjoyable. The most likely reason is because Morgoth will want the honor and Turin will come and kick both your butts.'
'Shut up, Ril.'
'Do it yourself, Endy.'
'Don't call me Endy.'
'Don't call me Ril.'
'Ladies? May I ask what is the reason for this?' Joe asked. They looked at him. Ril-gania, apparently another sister of Mel's, glared violently at him.
'Are you Joe?' she asked.
'Uh, yes?' he gulped nervously again.
'Then you are the reason for this. It's your fault that Elvea's in the Void right now, stuck with an angry Morgoth. If it wasn't for you-'
'Ignore her. She's only Balance. With Elvea missing she has the annoying habit of turning good to restore the balance and then she has all these silly feelings like compassion and friendliness toward the good guys. Makes me sick,' Endomiel interrupted her sister.
'Right...' Joe started backing away. One goddess was hard enough to handle on a daily base. He didn't want to stick around and find out whether or not it was possible to survive around an angered Goddess of Balance AND the Goddess of Evil.
'Don't even think about it, buster,' Ril continued glaring at him, 'you and I still have a score to-'
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
Never before had this sound been like such a symphony in Joe's ears. Finally, salvation. No more goddesses to bug him. Okay, he still had to work with the two others, but that wasn't so bad in comparison. All they had to do was to kill off a unicorn or nymph or whatever it was this time and then get back to the response center. How hard could it be?
Due to the Universal Laws of Comedy this would prove very hard. The gods, if there were any ruling over Headquarters, had a very sadistic sense of humor. Joe began to understand why common mortals generally didn't hang out with deities but instead built them nice temples far away in the mountains and sacrificed a lamb once a year. Anything to keep those freaky deities away.
[I'M BLOODY BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPINGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
'That would be our assignment,' Verra concluded. She smiled sweetly at Joe. He blinked. It looked somewhat evil because of her eyes. Someone or something sweetly smiling but possessing eyes with slit pupils just looked disturbing.
'Right. Let's get going,' Joe printed the Words and started to set the portal. He'd find out what the story was about later. Right now his main concern was to get away from the two goddesses.
'Shouldn't you read the fic first to see where we have to go and all?' Ella asked. Joe muttered something under his breath and looked at the Words.
'Oh Gods... it's a Forgotten Realms / LotR crossover...' he said, 'and a really bad one at that...'
'Of course it's bad you nincompoop- it wouldn't have been reported otherwise!' Ril replied. Joe ignored her. It was probably the wisest thing to do.
'So what creatures shall we disguise as?' Ella asked. She glanced at the Words and paled visibly. 'Ringwraiths would be nice...'
'Ringwraiths it is...' Verra confirmed.
'Wait- don't I have anything to say in this?' Joe asked.
'No,' Ril answered.
'You're not coming along!'
'Oh yes I am. And so is Endy,'
'IT'S ENDOMIEL!!!'
'And so is Endy,' Ril ignored her sister, 'unless, of course, you feel like doing a lap-dance for Gollum...' she smirked. Joe gulped and nodded. Darn goddesses and their wicked ways...
'Are we done? Let's go already!' Joe ushered everybody through the portal, quickly grabbing his gear along.
Something felt not right when they entered the universe. Maybe it was because they were not yet in Middle-earth, but most likely it was because of the evil gloom about them. The evil gloom of bad writing, the terrible darkness of a horrible (lack of) plot. The doom of a story containing more than one Sue.
Ella shuddered. 'I've seen some bad fics... full of Grelvish too... but this one is just scary.'
'How so?' Ril asked. For some odd reason she and Endy still looked their old selves.
'Did you look at the Words?'
'No...'
'Well, you see... I am a Legolas fangirl. Book-Legolas, though; not movie-Legolas. But what she does to him...' she let out a soft sob. Ril put a comforting arm around her shoulder.
'There, there... it's going to be alright. We'll just kill her, then we resurrect her, then we kill her again in a really nasty way, we resurrect her again... and so forth. Sound like a plan?'
Hope dawned in Ella's face. 'Really? We can do that? You're the coolest!' She glomped Ril.
'Can't... breathe...' Ril struggled for freedom.
'I hate to ruin the Kodak-moment,' Endy said with a smirk that made the statement rather unconvincing, 'but I would like to remind you that there are TWO Sues on the loose.'
'How did you know that?' Ril asked.
'I'm a goddess. I know everything.'
'So? I'm a goddess too. I don't know everything.'
'I mean everything evil. And Mary Sues are pretty evil, so when a couple of them are around I'd know.'
'I bet you bloody created them too...'
'Actually, that was-'
'LADIES!! Can we get back to the matter at hand?' Joe shouted.
'Right. The fic.'
The group sat down quietly and prepared for the first horror that was to come. The Author's Notes.
AN: This is my very first fic ever so go easy on me kay?
Character profiles
Name: Lymnasta Silverhand Moonflower
Age: 18
Personality: kind, loving, gentle, wise (but innocent in some ways; she's never even kissed!), sweet. Anyone who knows her loves her dearly, not only for her beauty but also intelligence and compassion. Lymnasta also loves children. She is a powerful wizardess, with her apprenticeship with her mother. What her mentor took decades to master, Lymnasta takes only a few months.
Family: is the daughter of Alustriel Silverhand and Lamruil Moonflower. She calls Elminster "grand-daddy", and other Sisters "aunties".
Appearance: blue hair with silver highlights, long pointy ears, pale skin, painted fingernails, 6 feet tall, slender and shapely. Her eyes are large and almond-shaped and green - like her mother's - with dancing silver flecks.
Verra blinked. 'Since when is every detail of a character given right at the start? Doesn't that spoil everything?'
'It most certainly doesn't leave any room for any character development...' Joe added.
'What kind of creature is it, anyway? A Mary Sue, okay... but WHY, for the love of daddy Eru, does she have BLUE hair?!' Ril started yanking her own hair out.
'It gets much worse...' Ella said glumly.
'Why? Because she is super-powerful?'
'That too.'
'Not to mention the ridiculous name...'
'Yuck,' Endomiel looked at the Words again, 'she's an even worse Sue than Elvea! This one is supposed to be a bloody saint!'
'So was Elvy,' Ril pointed out, 'except that because she was also Goddess of Vengeance the extreme goodness didn't always work...'
'Was?' Joe looked up in surprise. 'You speak as though Mel is dead...'
'She probably is in a state close to that, thanks to you...' Ril sent Joe a nasty look.
'She's so bloody perfect that it makes me hungry,' Verra licked her lips. The others blinked at her.
'Hungry?' Ella asked. Verra grinned at her, but did not reply.
As the author's notes went on another Sue was introduced, much alike to the previous one.
Name: Alystan Silverhand Do'Urden
Age: 19
Personality: rebellious, doesn't want to be a lady as her mother wants her to, but is responsible and steadfast. Loves animals and can talk to most of them, thanks to her ranger training with her father. She is an expert swordswoman and has some magical talents as well. Her skills are said to exceed even that of her famous drow father.
Family: is the daughter of Alustriel Silverhand and Drizzt Do'Urden.
Appearance: dark-skinned like her father, silver-haired like her mother. Has lavender eyes with blue flecks sparkling in them. Is almost 6 feet tall.
'I hate to be rude. Really, I do. I don't know much of the Forgotten Realms and all, but the way I see it the mother must have been a slut,' Ril commented.
'I think the parents are all canon characters of Forgotten Realms,' Joe said, 'but I don't know much about that either. Anyway this is pretty nasty...'
'I hate rebel-Sues...' Ella added, 'I don't want to be a lady, mommy... I wanna roll in the mud and get dirty and fight! Ick. Horrible. Now Eowyn was one darn cool shieldmaiden. But then again, Eowyn wasn't some nagging teenage brat.' The others nodded in acknowledgement and prepared for the actual start of the story.
*-/*Lymnasta POV*/-*
'It's quite disturbing, but I think I actually heard the author say who's point of view it is right now...' Endy pulled a disgusted face.
'And she made a grammar mistake too. It should be Lymnasta's POV...' Ril added, 'but I don't think it's all that bad to tell which point of view it is. It does make things clearer for the reader...'
"The High Lady of Silverymoon is dead!"
She still couldn't believe it. Alustriel Silverhand, one of the Chosen of Mystra, one of the most powerful beings in all of Faerun, was no more! *My sweet, loving, dear mother. Why did you leave me? How could they have killed you, so kind and so gentle? How could they? Oh, how will I tell the aunties this news? What about granddaddy El? What about Father?*
Lymnasta wants to cry, but she can't. She will have to tell her father about this, and prince Lamruil Moonflower of Evermeet already had too much to worry about. Alustriel had been his only consolation and a thing he loved above all, including his life and his elven realm.
Verra sneezed loudly. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'but I have some sort of allergy for elves. And this is a whole realm filled with them...' she was given some queer looks.
Losing Alustriel will unhinge him, Lymnasta knows.
'Am I the only one to think that Lymnasta sounds like "nasty" in some way?' Ella wonders aloud.
'I for one agree with you,' Ril replies.
'As do I,' Endy joins in.
But she had to be strong and brave. She had to live up to her mother's name, and she did qualify for it. Lymnasta's hair was long and thick (blue and has silver highlights), like a dark sky dotted with silver stars, tumbling down from her head to her ankles in lustrous waves. Her alabastrine skin was pale
'Her "alabastrine skin" was pale...' Joe sniggered, 'It makes her look daft. The pale part is usually already covered with "alabastrine". Could be just me though.'
and her cheeks rosy, her nose in just the right place and the right shape. Her face was chiseled and perfect, sharp and lovely. Her lips were full and red. Her eyes were large and emeraldine, and silver flecks danced in them whenever she laughed.
'...She was just as annoying as every other Mary Sue,' Ella glared at the Sue.
If she was angry, the flecks will disappear and her emerald eyes would become stormy sea-green that made everyone hurry out of her way. But Lymnasta did not get angry easily. Like her mother, she could control her temper and powers well beyond her 18 years. Most people marvel at her wisdom and intelligence. Some even thought she was greater than even Alustriel.
Ril started rocking back and forth slowly, staring glassily ahead of her. 'Tense-shifting... "even" twice in one sentence... bad grammar...' Endy gave her a nudge and she snapped back to her former self. 'Dear Eru, that was just AWFUL. Who gets to kill her?'
'ME!!!' It came simultaneously from five mouths. They blinked at each other.
'We'll see about that later on...' Joe decided.
At the moment, she was wearing a pale green silk robe. It hugs her slender, gorgeous form lovingly, and has low-cut neckline that leaves nothing to the imagination.
'Wait- I'm confused,' Ella says, falling into present tense, 'wasn't she supposed to be all innocent and stuff?' Joe nods. 'Then why the heck is she wearing that?!' Joe looks back at the Words, then he looks at the Sue. He grins. 'Indeed it leaves nothing to the imagination... that dress is see-through! She's not innocent; she's a whore in disguise!' Sniggers come from the others.
Around her long, slender neck is a necklace of diamond (diamonds were the best conduits of magic) that her mother gave her, telling her to give it to the one she loves when she finds him. Lymnasta touches the necklace know, wondering if she ever will. The necklace has strong magic. It will bind two souls together forever. It must not be given lightly.
'C'mere m'dear...' Endy hums, 'I'll give that necklace to a very special person...' she grins evilly.
'That person being...?' Ril asks.
Endy sniggers. 'Gollum... or possibly Treebeard. Or Shelob... no! To the Watcher in the Water!'
'How about Wormtongue?' Joe suggests. Every female in the party shudders.
'I like you,' Endy states, 'for that Wormtongue-idea is really, really evil.'
Joe grins. 'You like me, huh?'
Endy smiles seductively. Anyone with common sense would know that when the Goddess of Evil smiles at you like that it is most likely that something nasty is about to happen. Then again, Joe does not belong in the group specified with "having common sense".
'Yeah, I do...' she answers, 'you're more creative than the average minion...'
Ril frowns. It is obvious that her sister is up to something, although it remains a mystery what it is. She doesn't warn Joe though- she doesn't like him anyway. 'What are you doing Saturday night?' the obvious question comes from Joe.
'Nothing yet, but it just might be something very interesting if you can convince me to spend that evening with you...' Endy replies.
Joe grins. 'Just the evening?' Endy winks at him. The others roll their eyes and focus on the story.
She was unaware of her incredible grace and beauty. *People only say that I'm beautiful because I'm the High Lady's daughter. They are being nice.*
Several gags from the agents and the goddesses. They portal themselves a few hours ahead.
That night, Mystra came to her as she prays for guidance. (AN: Mystra is the FR goddess of magic. Her Chosen are mortals who are her favored servants. They are extremely powerful beings who act to preserve magic. The Seven Sisters are direct daughters of Mystra. So you could say Lym and Alys are a bit of goddesses.)
'That is supposed to be part goddess?' Ril blinks and moves to strangle the Sue. 'I'll show her what a REAL goddess is!' Endy grabs her arms and pulls her back.
'Later, dearie. When she's done enough damage we'll show her. We'll show her how real goddesses play. Unfortunately for her, she will never understand the fun of playing Melnyan...' Endy grins. Ril now does the same.
'What's Melnyan? Is it something elvish? It sounds like some kind of odd elvish word...' Ella asks.
'Oh no, it's not at all elvish. It's a goddess-thing, really. You'll find out later,' Ril answers.
'Good. Because this Sue and her greatness is making me nauseous.'
*Offspring of my daughter.* The goddess says. *Your mother was my Chosen. She was dear to me, and she now rests in my place most happily. Do not fear.*
"Oh, thank you, Mystra!" Lymnasta cries, lifting her hands toward the goddess's glowing form. "Give my love to Mother!"
*I will, love.* The goddess lifts Lymnasta's chin. *But the position of a Chosen is vacant. I must find a worthy replacement.*
'One: since when is "*" used as a tag for indicating dialogue, and two: what kind of pathetic goddess is that Mystra? She sounds weak...' Endy says.
The goddess's subtle meaning strikes Lymnasta. "I am not worthy, great goddess!"
*Perhaps you are. You are kind and compassionate, intelligent and wise, and knows the ways of magic.
More gagging follows.
'How daft is this goddess figure? She doesn't even use proper grammar! This is an insult to us goddesses!' Ril says indignantly.
Your mother has taught you well. Do you wish to be my chosen servant, my mortal agent?*
"Yes!" Lymnasta was ecstatic. "I do, goddess!"
*Then you must prove yourself. There is great evil in a land called Middle-earth. Go there, and give the people what aid they need.*
'The best way of doing this is by committing suicide...' Ella commented. The story had temporarily shifted back to past tense. They prepared for a worse switch- the switch of point of view.
*-/* Alystan POV*/-*
Alystan Silverhand Do'Urden pats her companion gently. The snow leopard, Whitefoot, purrs at her touch.
'Is that thing coming to Middle-earth?' Verra asks, nodding toward the leopard. Joe nods. Tense has shifted yet again. 'Misplaced fauna in the shape of a cute animal friend... ick.'
Her father was visiting her mother and should be back any minute now. Alystan was a half-drow, daughter of Alustriel Silverhand and Drizzt Do'Urden.
'Wait- this is a crossover, right?' Ella asks. Verra and Ril nod in reply. 'Does she count as misplaced fauna then? Because she's from another world and all... isn't that an exception?'
'Only if she's a canon character from this universe,' Joe answers, 'but alas, she is not. So she dies. What a tragedy.'
Her hair, plaited in countless braids, was as silver as moonlight. Her skin was black and glossy as obsidian, her limbs long and slender. Her vibrant eyes are lavender, just like Drizzt's.
Verra looks to be violently ill. 'Black with hair like moonlight? Yech...'
'The vibrant eyes are more annoying...' Endy comments, 'it's like she has some kind of eye-disease and can't keep them still...'
Around her slim waiste was a velvet belt, and she wore a velvet gown to match.
'I bought a new belt. To match it I bought a gown as well...' Ril gagged.
'The author can't be that clever. Do you know what a "waiste" is?' Joe shuddered at the audible spelling mistake. 'Waste? For she is a waste of disk space... but maybe the author meant "waist"... say it with me people: SPELLCHECK.'
It was enchanted, so didn't tear when she spent time in the wilderness.
'The belt or the gown? Or both? Ugh. Implausible clothes for going out in the wild. You try to get that darn human that ran off with your necklace when you're in the middle of the forest clad in some gown. It may not get torn, but then you'll get stuck. Stupid Sue,' Ril glared at the said creature.
She was equipped with twin scimitars and a long elven bow. She moves with absolute grace that reminds one of undulating waters. She was skilled in swordsfight and archery, her talents far exceeding her own father's - and that was saying a lot, considering that Drizzt Do'Urden was the best swordsman in all of Faerun.
'Swordsfight? Is that a word now?' Joe frowned.
'And of course she's the best darn warrior in the world... how modest,' Verra gagged. 'Can I eat her?'
'Maybe later,' Joe absentmindedly answered. He was busy writing down all the charges- quite a lot for one chapter so far.
It was Alystan who laid waste to Menzoberranzan and later defeated Artemis Entreri, ridding her father of his enemies once and for all. With magic inherited from her mother to aid her, she proved to be more than capable.
'I'm a cheesecake if she's powerful enough to beat Artemis. That is one tough cookie, I can tell,' Endy admitted. 'This praising characters into heaven is just sickening...'
'That's what the Continuum Protection Initiative was designed for. I mean for getting rid of those stories, of course,' Ella says.
Two very short scenes follow. The first shows how Alystan finds out that her mother is dead; in the second Mystra appears to her and tells her to compete with Lymnasta for gaining the place of a chosen one.
'It could be me, but I think that this here is a huge plot hole. If this Al- oh whatever her name was- if this being is powerful enough to beat even Artemis, why would she want to serve some other goddess?' Ril asks. No one is able to answer that.
The team portals to Middle-earth, right into a very messed up version of Rivendell. The point of view switches again, and they are back with Lymnasta. In a palace, apparently. They have no clue of what happened to the Last Homely House.
Lymnasta paces around King Elrond's palace, pondering things. The elves have warmly welcomed her as a fellow elf, although Lymnasta knows that they'd throw her out as soon as they knew she was only half-elfish. Arwen didn't even try to be civil! The elfish princess was jealous of Lymnasta, it seems, although she new not why.
Ella stuck her finger deep into her throat. 'Please! Arwen means LADY! Noble maiden! Would she behave like that? I doubt it! And she would certainly NOT be jealous of some blue-haired Mary Sue!'
'I'd like to know when Elrond became king, when Rivendell turned into a palace and why Elrond would throw out someone for being a half-elf. Elrond HALFELVEN, anyone?' Joe mused.
'ELVISH. Not elfish. It's all I'm saying,' Verra glared at the Sue.
She has departed to Middle-earth in a hurry, leaving a mess behind. She had barely said goodbye to her father and granddaddy El, never mind her mother's sisters. Most of them were too far away anyway, and Aunt Simbul was at best unstable. Lymnasta feels so sad she wants to cry when she remembers how her father looked when he heard of her mother's fall. Granddaddy was no less aggrived, but he new Mystra better than the rest of them and could talk to the goddess any time. Lym's aunties were sorrowful, and Aunt Simbul was in a rage.
'What's "aggrived"?' Joe asked.
To relief the hurt in her heart, she sang.
The party cringed and covered their ears as the Sue started singing May It Be.
Her voice was beyond the imagination of mortals. It was beautiful and sorrowful at once, sweet and deeply tinged with her grief for her mother. It rang like a thousand glass bells and a thousand songbirds.
'I am so perfect. I am a Sue. Legolas, oh Legolas, where are you?'
'Nice poem, Ella. Suits a Sue...' Ril sniggered.
And so 'twas that Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood found her.
Ella gagged. 'Why?! Why?!'
He has been practicing his archery and came upon this blue-haired maiden that he thought must surely be elfish.
'So she has blue hair, BLUE hair, and Legolas doesn't wonder about the reason why her hair has that ridiculous color? Instead he just assumes that she is elvish! He doesn't even stop to THINK about the fact that it is not a natural elven haircolor!' Endy sank to the ground.
Mesmerized, he listened to her song with eyes captivated on her. His elvin eyes examine every detail of Lymnasta: her flawless, pale skin; her splendid, silver-flecked eyes; her lithesome shape beneath her pale green robe. Her hands are clasped upon her breasts as she sings, her face lifted to the heavens and her eyes closed.
'I am so perfect. I am a Sue. Legolas, oh Legolas; I lust after you...' Ella started rocking back and forth slowly.
Joe looked at the Words. 'Better yet: I am so perfect. I am a Sue. Legolas, o Legolas; I came to shag you.' A loud thud followed. Ella lay spread out on the floor, breathing heavily. She looked as though she was about to have an epileptic fit. Ril helped her get back up and calmed her a bit.
"Who art thee?" He asks when the maiden ends her song with a last, mournful note.
Ella wails. 'Who art thee? Since when does Legolas use archaic English? Since when does Legolas use bastardized archaic English?! Who art thou!'
'Ssssh,' Endy hushes her. 'They might hear you.'
Lymnasta jumped but still arises gracefully to meet the elfish prince.
'Wait- first she was pacing around and started singing, and now she suddenly jumps up but still manages to arise gracefully?! That makes no sense. I missed the part where she sat down, too,' Ril looks confused, not only from the continuous tense shifts even within one sentence.
As she laid her eyes upon him, she knew 'twas her true love, and the diamond on her necklace glows with a silver light that matches the highlights in her hair. The elfish prince was the most magnificent sight she had seen. He had blonde hair, some of which was in a braid. A green tunic and brown pants clothed him, and a long bow was slung across his back. His eyes are bright and blue, like a depthless sky on a sunny day. His body was simply glorious. "I am Lymnasta Silverhand Moonflower, daughter of High Lady Alustriel Silverhand and Prince Lamruil Moonflower of Evermeet." She answers. And then she remembers that she should not tell anyone of her heritage so easily. "Who are you?"
'Am I the only one to think that three of those ridiculously long names stuck in one sentence just sounds godawful?' Ella asked.
"Prince Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood am I, son of Thranduil, crown-prince?" Legolas makes a deep bow and gives her a smile. "Never hast I seen a beauty such as yours, lady. Truly thou dost surpass even the fabled Luthien Tinuviel, she who is fairest of all, and Galadriel combined."
'Yoda Syndrome have I,' Joe says as he reaches for his CAD.
[Legolas, canon character. CHARACTER RUPTURE: 124%; ERROR!]
The CAD gave a soft "piff" and short-circuited. Fortunately it was an upgrade and wouldn't explode over such a terrible thing. The party cried silently in pain over the loss of the device, but mainly over the loss of Legolas' personality and his painful use of "archaic" English. Not to mention the enormous insult to the fair Tinuviel herself.
Lymnasta blushes. "I-"
Legolas did not wait for her reply. He walks toward, and Lymnasta somehow found herself in his arms. His lips captured her full, red ones. Lymnasta felt her knees went weak, and felt the prince's arms support her. He kisses her face and her neck, his hands wondering to her breasts as he gently laid her down to the grass. His breath tickles her and she shudders.
'This dialogue is equal to "Hi, this is my name. Wanna fuck?" ' Joe comments.
'Alright. That's it. I have had enough of this. I'm sick and tired of this. You are going to die. Now,' Ella steps forward and reveals herself to the couple in the grass. Caught underneath Legolas, the Sue could do little against the kick aimed at her ribs. 'You filthy little slut. Stupid Sue with your I'm-so-sweet-and-innocent act. It tends to lose some credibility when you start foreplay with Legolas within five minutes after you first meet. Do you know how many words you two exchanged, huh? Well, do you?' Angry Ella looks impressively scary. 'SIXTY-FOUR! SIXTY-FOUR, YOU LITTLE-'
Legolas, at first surprised by Ella's appearance, blinks and gets some of his wit back. He looks at Ella again, and then; 'Ai! Ai!' wails Legolas, 'A Nazgul! A Nazgul is come!' He jumps up.
'Oh, quiet you,' Endy steps forward and grabs Legolas' arm. 'She's not that bad, really. Now come with me, I have something important to show you...' Endy winks at Joe, who tosses her the neuralyzer. She drags him out of eyesight and several moments later a bright flash follows. Some faint whispers and Endy returns.
The Sue, still not knowing what is going on, lies cowering on the floor in sight of this terror. Not because it is a Nazgul, but because Ella is very, very angry with her. Ella snatches the notebook with charges from Joe's hands.
'My turn,' she states. 'Ready, you little whore?' She glares at the Sue. 'Lymnasta blahblah whatever the rest of your ridiculous name was, it is my duty to inform you that you are arrested by agents from the Continuum Protection Initiative. The charges are the following: You have caused serious character ruptures to Legolas, making him lose all sense of what he really is like, and in his confusion you made him use bad archaic English. You also made him act like some love-struck fool. For that alone I should kill you. But there's more. You are also guilty of an environment disruption by turning Rivendell in some ridiculous medieval palace, you are guilty of using unnecessary person and-' she sobs silently, 'shifts of tense that made us all violently ill, you have behaved anachronistic by singing May It Be in Middle-earth which makes no sense WHATSOEVER, you have caused events to eventuate solely for your own bloody benefit, you have used horrible plot devices such as owning ridiculous magical jewelry and displaying Mary Sue like powers, in fact you ARE a Mary Sue, you have mangled the beautiful English language in every way imaginable and with that made out ears bleed, you have a ridiculous name, you have employed silly melodramatics and an unbearably beautiful voice, you display extreme stupidity, you act like a whore, you annoy me to no end, you were trying to seduce Legolas and NOBODY gets away with that AND you have insulted Luthien Tinuviel nearly beyond healing by trying to be prettier than she when in fact all you do is assault our eyes with your godawful looks. Also, you made Legolas act stupid. You have no rights.'
'I do not know what I did wrong!' Lymnasta cried, 'I am here because I was sent by Mystra! I am a chosen one!'
'Doth sucketh mightily and verily,' Ella mocks. Ril knew this was her cue and roughly pulls the Sue from the floor. They drag her outside and tie her to a tree. Ril produces a large bow and several arrows out of nowhere, ignoring the no-using-magic-inside-canon rule.
'Do you know how to use this?' Ril asks. Ella grins.
'I'll find out... eventually.'
The Sue died a tragic death. Indeed when she had died she rather resembled a pincushion. But by some magic that could only come from a goddess she was revived. And promptly zapped. She now knew what it felt like to be struck by lightning. Unfortunately it was the end of her. But another goddess than the one that had revived her aforetime revived her again. She was zapped to death again. This went on for a while, and as Ella watched Ril and Endy at work she started to understand what the game "Melnyan" really was.
If the name of the game had originally been put together from some elvish words, then it was now unrecognizable. It had to be a word from another language, because Ella couldn't imagine the game having anything to do with "love". Except maybe the love for torturing.
'Excuse me ladies, but there is another Sue in need of smiting, before she-' Joe blinked, 'before she melts Arwen's face...'
Ella and the goddesses allowed themselves to be interrupted and followed through the portal. They were now in Alystan's point of view, back in the "palace" of King Elrond the UnCanon.
Alystan stomps her foot and scowls at the elfish man who had tried to shoot down her snow leopard companion, Whitefoot. "How *dare* you?!" She yells at him. "Whitefoot is not only my pet, but my steadfast companion too."
The elfish man cowers before Alystan, looking very, very scared. "I... I am sorry, lady!"
"What's your name?" Alystan demands. "I am so going to talk to your captain!"
"I am Elladan, lady, son of King Elrond."
"Oh. Well. Never mind, then. I'm here to meet your father, by the by. Can I meet him now?"
Elladan nods frantically, too awed by the dark-skinned lady to do anything else. She was probably an elf, seeing her long, pointy ears, but her skin was not pale as most elves's. It was as black as onyx, glossy as dark silk. She looked to him to be a goddess-like beauty. He also remembers that she wore two scimitars at her belt, and shivers in fear of crossing her.
'Gee, someone's having a bad case of PMS...' Ella says, falling back in present tense.
'Apart from that she makes Elladan fall completely out of character,' Joe grumbles as he stows the second broken CAD of the day in his backpack.
'She looks ridiculous. I feel insulted. If that is goddess-like beauty...' Ril taps her foot in annoyance.
When they were at Elrond's room, Alystan declared. "I am Alystan Silverhand Do'Urden, and I demand an audience with the king!"
Elrond, a senile and wrinkled elf, looks at the half-drow fearfully. "Yes, lady. I am the king. What will you have me do?"
The company blinked. They looked at Elrond. Then they blinked again. In front of them was a bent old elf, wrinkled and looking senile. His hair was grayish and for some odd reason he was wearing a large and tacky gold crown on his once so noble and beautiful head. All they could see now was something sharing a name with the noble Elf lord known as Elrond.
Joe starts taking notes again.
"I'm sent by the goddess Mystra to aid you in the quest to destroy some ring. Well, where is it? I can probably blast it to little bits with one spell."
'And of course Elrond knows who this Mystra is right away... he doesn't mistrust this stranger at all, even though she knows way too much about the Ring and its whereabouts...' Ella sighs.
"We shall have a council, lady. Your half-sister is here." "Aha, the prudish pansy is here? Good. I'll enjoy torturing her, as usual. Where's the bitch?"
Elrond winces at the half-drow's language, but pointed at the gardens outside.
'Ick. She uses slang, too...' Ril hisses at the Sue.
'Wait- didn't we just kill that other Sue and got Legolas away from- ARG! Another plot hole! First she was inside the palace, and now the couple's magically outside all of a sudden?' Endy looks confused.
Joe looks alarmed. 'According to the story that would be so... but we just solved that situation, so-'
Alystan didn't find what she expected. There her half-sister was, sleeping in the arms of an *extremely* handsome he-elf in a glade. They were both naked. Alystan shocked and angrily swears.
There are no two figures outside. Alystan begins to shudder and the ground begins to shake. Trembling, the party takes cover, hoping not to get injured. All's well as ends well and eventually the chaos ends.
'That was close...' Joe sighs.
'What was it?' Ril asks.
'A story ripple. It's like a canon ripple, but then a ripple in the fic itself. Because we killed Lymnasta some things changed and it caused this ripple,' Ella answers gravely.
'Ah.'
'By the way- what the hell does "Alystan shocked and angrily swears" mean?' Endy asks. The others shrug.
Alystan flees the scene and runs into princess Arwen. Arwen frowns at the half-drow, jealousy rising once more to see a woman more beautiful than she. To boot, Alystan seems a lot more exotic.
"Apologize on your knees." Said Arwen. "Thou hast offended I, who am a princess of this palace, and thou wilt not get away with it before thou grovel for my forgiveness."
'Is that Arwen?' Ella blinked, back in past tense. 'She turned Arwen into a monster! With terrible grammar, too!'
'And of course she's jealous of the Sue's beauty...' Ril sighed wearily.
"Like hell I will!" Alystan screams at the elfish princess, making Arwen flinch a little. "Look, I'm in a bad mood, okay? Don't make me lose my temper and chop you to little bits."
"How dare thee!" Arwen cries and casts a Fireball spell. Alystan casted Spell Trap to absorb the Fireball, and then casted Timestop. She grins and hurls a Melf's Acid Arrow at Arwen, following it with a Lightning Bolt.
'What. The. FUCK?!!!' Ril blinks.
'Let me handle this,' Endy said.
She snapped her fingers and the scene froze. The arrow and lightning bolt stopped mid-air. Endy walked to them and poked them. They fell to the ground in small heaps of dust. With more quick hand-gestures Endy got the Sue stuck to a tree and unfroze her.
'Look here, missy, you've violated a lot of rules by going in this world. You did pretty much everything wrong what your sister did, but there are some extra charges. You have caused severe character ruptures to Elladan, Lord Elrond and Arwen, you nearly broke up a canon romance by attempting to kill Arwen, you attempted to kill Arwen, you have caused Arwen to act like a spoilt teenager, you insulted Lord Elrond and his family, you mutilated Lord Elrond into something unrecognizable and wrinkly, you are of a non-canonical race, you caused elven magic to look like conventional witch-and-warlock magic, you have used bad plot devices like having a cute animal friend, a magical piece of jewelry and you display Mary Sue-like powers, which is not a miracle because just like your sister, you are one. I would repeat all other charges against you, but your sister knows- sorry, knew those. Any last words?'
'Yes, I do,' the Sue answered. 'DIE BITCH!!!'
She used her Suvian powers to get her hands free and sent a fiery orb in Endy's direction. Unfortunately for her, Endy was a real goddess, and an evil one at that. Endy was also quite powerful, unlike any goddess only written to be defeated. Therefore she simply stepped aside and the orb dissolved into nothing a few meters behind her. The Sue looked at her incredulously.
'Why won't you just die?!' she cried. She attacked again a couple of times. It proved useless. She then tried to freeze time and Endy along with it, but found her magical powers disabled.
'We're here to show you the power of a real goddess. Two goddesses even, so you're lucky. Or not, it depends on your perspective...' Ril grinned as she poked the shining ball of energy floating in the air above her. It made a light-saber kind of sound and then disappeared with a small "pop" of air suddenly falling into the place where the orb had been. 'Those were your magical powers. If you are clever, you'll realize that right now you have none.'
Joe let out a sigh. The goddesses were pissed and were probably preparing for some lengthy torturing. It was time Arwen unfroze and was taken away. Something behind him growled menacingly at him. He turned around. It was the Sue's snow leopard.
'Uhm, ladies?' he tried to get the attention of Endy and Ril. No response, except for a tormented scream of the Sue. 'Ladies?' The creature growled at him again and looked about to attack. More growls and then it lunged at him.
Twang. An arrow cut through the air and hit the creature in the throat. Halfway its leap it fell lifeless to the ground. Ella grinned triumphantly.
'Looks like the target practice really was good for something,' she said as she laid down the large bow. Joe sighed in relief.
'Cheers. For a moment there I thought this was the end of me...' he said. More screams from behind him.
'Not so long as there are more agents on the job... speaking of which, where's Verra?'
The two assassins looked around. There were Endy and Ril, doing nasty things to the Sue. They silently prayed that the goddesses would never have a reason to hate them. Joe gulped, remembering that Ril already hated him. Verra was nowhere in sight.
'You don't think we left her with that other Sue, do you?' Ella asked.
'Eh... uhm... did we get rid of her body in the first place?' Joe replied. Ella thought for a moment, then shook her head. Joe sighed and reached for his remote activator. 'This has got to be the most messed up mission ever...' he mumbled.
He opened the portal and stepped through, followed by Ella. The sight that awaited them was most surprising, if not somewhat disturbing. Between the trees sat a dragon, looking quite contented. Ella shrieked and hid behind a tree.
The body of the Sue was no longer there, but with one glance at the dragon Joe didn't even need to guess what had happened to it. He wanted to hide from the dragon before it noticed him, but he was frozen on the spot in fear. Where the hell did it come from? There had been no dragon in the Words!
The dragon turned its head. Joe gulped. Just when he thought he'd been through all the bad things that could possibly happen inside the fic everything got worse. Did the story ripple somehow produce this... this... abomination?
The dragon winked at him. He blinked. It had winked at him. He looked at the dragon. Somehow it seemed familiar. As he looked at it the creature slowly started to shrink and change shape. A little while later the dragon was gone and a grinning Verra stood in its place. She burped, then giggled. Joe blinked again.
'You... you're... you're a shapeshifter?' he asked.
'You could call it that...' Verra replied. Ella came from behind the tree.
'The least thing you could've done was telling us about it...' she said. Verra shrugged.
A soft thud behind them drew their attention.
'What do we do with this?' Endy asked. In front of her were the... remains... of the second Sue. Those parts that were left kind of stank, as if the body had decomposed in mere seconds instead of long years. By all the deformations Joe guessed that the Sue had most likely died about a thousand gruesome deaths. By the grin on Ril's face he knew this for sure.
'I'm still hungry...' Verra told her. Endy blinked at her.
'Eh, sure. You can keep it. But don't eat it before we get back, okay?'
Verra nodded. 'She'll make a nice snack...'
'By the way, thanks for the new coat,' Endy said. She pointed at the dead snow leopard Ril was holding.
'It's a dead creature. You'll have to skin it... and stuff... before it is a coat,' Ella pointed out.
Endy quirked an eyebrow. 'Do I?' She snapped her fingers. Ril was holding a very nice fur coat, exactly Endy's size.
'I'm not sure if you should use so much magic within canon...' Joe carefully noted.
'Oh, don't worry about that. Just so long as we don't use it to influence canon... right Ril?'
'Precisely.'
'Did you get Arwen unfrozen and all? Joe asked.
'Yup,' Ril answered.
'Ah. Good. Let's get out of here then...' He opened the portal again, this time set back to Headquarters.
When he got through he let out a sigh and let himself fall into a chair. Verra came last, carrying her "snack". She closed the portal behind her. Ella shook his hand and mumbled something like 'nice working with you', then she quickly left the response center. Verra nodded in his direction and followed behind Ella.
'So... about my sister...' Ril said.
'Yes?' Joe asked wearily.
'Do you know what I'm about to do to you?'
'Not before Saturday!' Endy's voice came from around the corner of the door. She was off to find a mirror and check out her new coat.
'Quiet you!'
Joe gulped. 'You're going to give me a nice massage?' he asked hopefully, yet with a faint hint of despondency.
'Wrong answer. I'm going to-'
Will recruit Ril-gania please report to my office?
'Uh-oh...'
~*~
[A/N: We've all seen this fic. We've all seen the horror. We all knew it needed to be MST'd. At first I was disappointed when it was deleted, because it had scared me so much and I wanted my vengeance. But then Lady Elwing sent me the file and I got to make the Sues die anyway. Was so happy! So hereby a big thank-you to her, also for her help in the somewhat creative threats. It made the chapter look much, much better.
I would also like to thank Kippur and Ella Darcy for offering me two temporary partners (brave enough) to work with Joe. It was great fun putting them in.
Some more thank-you's go to oracle and Chak (sorry for the spelling error earlier- it was late), who also offered me their characters for this chapter. I couldn't use too many at once, so they didn't make it in here. Fortunately (?) there are three more fics waiting to be smitten, so they'll get to see the DMFF from the inside in the next chapter. Thank you guys for volunteering!!
Final thanks go to everyone who submitted fics thus far. They will all be done in the near future. Now that school's over I have plenty of time for those things. Expect a sylph in the next chapter, a horde of fairies in the one after that, and in the final one I have listed as reported we'll get to see a gryphon die. I'm not sure whether I should consider all the reports a good thing or a bad thing tho. (Good because it means people are reading this, bad because there are so many crappy fics).
As usual I am not scared of constructive criticism. If you find any errors left in here, please let me know. Feel free to stalk me with them either over the PPC message board, over email or over AIM (screenname Nelloth). I'll be glad to correct them. Of course you are also allowed to praise me into heaven, but that's only optional. Besides, my ego is big enough as it is. Be careful with boosting it. Flames will be laughed at. If I feared them I wouldn't be writing this. Besides, Bormir the mini-Balrog quite enjoys them.
I will end these overly long notes with informing you all about two essays I am working on, and I'm sure the PPC will find them very useful (Miss Cam and Lord Elrond might also find them useful- for making stubborn students copy them a thousand times writing with their own blood, for instance...). One is about why every LotR fan fiction author should read the books before writing (we all know we needed one) and the other is about why certain creatures are not to be found in Middle-earth. The last one I already mentioned at the boards. I will send it to every author writing un-canonical creatures, giving them the option to delete the fic or be smitten. Anyone seeing such a fic and sending the essay for me will be praised into heaven / Valinor / a bathtub with desired lust object. Thank you!]