Private to Severus

[the_five_signs]

Harry and I came back the other night. You weren't there.

I know you don't like me all the time, or even most of the time. And I'm quite sure you don't like me right now. But I'd like to speak with you.

He's miserable. But you knew that already.

Comments

Private to Severus and Remus

[reluctant_pawn]

I'm sure you'll be able to comfort him, you've done a splendid job of it so far.

Bugger off, Lupin.

Private to Severus and Remus

[the_five_signs]

I want to help. Don't let your pride get in the way of a good thing.

Let me help.

Re: Private to Severus and Remus

[reluctant_pawn]

What good thing would that be? The part where your significant other doesn't talk to you? The part where he disappears in the middle of night? Or the part where you find him curled up asleep with someone else? Which part of that is good, Lupin?

Private to Severus and Remus

[the_five_signs]

The part where he loves you.

Look, we all know that he's acting like a child. We all know that he's acting like a little boy-- some regressed fifth-year version of himself where he's still shouting to get his way. Only he's stopped shouting and he's.. just pushing people away. He thinks he's helping you and he's too wrapped up in hating himself to realize he's being a complete and total prat.

[the_five_signs]

You're an asshole, Snape. You hate everyone without reason, even when they want to help you, or be your friend. You're a loner by choice because you think that even if you weren't, you'd be alone, because no one could ever care about you. You're pathetic.

You're keeping Harry away from you because you're worried about getting hurt again. Isn't he worth getting hurt? Isn't he worth some pain? Don't you love him enough to work through this? How hard have you really tried?

The answer is: Not hard enough, because Harry deserves more.

[reluctant_pawn]

The only person I hate, Lupin, is Black and I have damn good reason for it and you bloody well know it. The thing that none of you seem to understand is that I grew up. I am not the man I used to be and I have no intention of going back to that man, so stop beating a dead horse.

You have no idea how long I've been trying to 'work through' this, and I love him more than you can possibly fathom, since you believe me incapable of such emotion in the first place. I'm not you. I won't continually get kicked in the teeth to make someone else happy.

And you know what? I bloody well deserve more.

For the record, I'm not alone. I have your son sleeping not ten feet from me.

[the_five_signs]

How can any of us understand if you refuse to talk to us? You haven't said six words to me, that weren't about my damn sickness, since I got here. We've never been friends, Severus, but I've always wanted to be. And you've always been too scared of me to realize that.

I don't believe you incapable of love, I believe you incapable of receiving it. You want to.. twist it into something else, so that when they inevitably betray you, it won't hurt so much. That's what's happening now. You think Harry's betraying you so you're pretending like he only depends on you, like he never loved you, because it hurts less.

You both deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be with one another, if that's what you want. But you're both keeping that from happening because you're so scared of getting hurt! He's been through so much-- we all have. No one wants more pain. But you can't have love without pain, that's sort of how it works. No darkness without light, and all that.

And my son is not who we're talking about. Don't bring him into this.

[reluctant_pawn]

I've tried talking to Lily and it always ends up the same way. She can't get past the man I was to see the man I am. I'm not going to force myself on her if she wants nothing to do with me. Black and I are incapable of a civil conversation that lasts longer than three minutes. I have no desire to change that. Moira and I used to talk about things, but Harry needed her more than I, so I took a step back. As for you, we are talking now, are we not?

This isn't about betrayal, Lupin. It's about needing more than a body in my bed. If I wanted someone for mere sex, I would have stayed with House. I want more than that, and at the moment, Harry isn't capable of it.

Merlin, I see him every bloody day and he can barely look at me and leaves the room as soon as possible. I can't change what he feels, or doesn't feel for me, and I'm weary of trying and getting nothing in return.