The Play Nice Proviso: Nine
I’m not denying, I’m frightened as much you
A few weeks before the final push to wrap up filming on the current season, he and Jared organized a Best Buds weekend for all their friends. Mike, Chris, Steve and - Jensen could barely suppress a shudder at the thought - Chad had flown up from LA, while Tom had happily ditched his wife for the extra long weekend and joined them.
“Get us more munchies, bitch,” Mike mumbled in Jensen’s direction around a mouthful of Doritos, before emitting a loud, obnoxious belch.
“And more beer,” Tom tacked on. Chris and Steve were quick to drain their bottles and thump the empties on the coffee table.
Jensen laughed. “All right, all right. I can take a hint.” He picked up the empty bottles and piled them into a recycle bin Jared had kept near the front door, before detouring into the kitchen where Jared was chatting to Chad. He was about to call out to Jared when he heard Chad speak.
“So, I talked to Sandy,” he said. Jensen froze.
“Yeah? How is she?” Jared asked, his voice sounding only slightly strained. Damn fucking Chad bringing up Sandy when Jensen was finally sure that Jared was over her. And now, all that old muck that had settled to the ground would be disturbed and so help him, if Jared started moping again and got upset, Jensen was going to fucking kill Chad.
“She’s all right. She told me that you two broke up because you’re crazy in love with Genevieve Cortese! Is that true? Why I gotta hear it from her and not you? Man, you coulda had the decency to tell me you were tapping that! She’s fucking hot.”
The blood rushed to his ears as Jensen’s heart stopped. Or at least, it felt like it did. He was pretty sure time slowed to a standstill too.
Jared and Genevieve Cortese? In love? Jared had broken up with Sandy because he was in love with Genevieve Cortese? How... how did he not know anything about that? Why hadn’t Jared told him? God, he thought... he had thought that they told each other everything! How could Jared have kept this from him? How could he not have noticed it? Because this was big. This was huge. This was important.
This was breaking his heart.
Jensen flopped down on one of the loveseats about a half hour later.
“Hey man, what happened to you?” Chris asked him with a sardonic raised eyebrow.
“Got a phone call,” Jensen lied, keeping his eyes on the game on the big screen. He had just about gotten his erratic emotions under control, but one look at Jared as he walked back into the room caused them to resurface, and he could feel it: the anger, the betrayal, the fucking fear and sadness all simmering under his skin. Not that he could really blame Jared for any of it; this was all on Jensen. His stupidity, his ridiculous obsession with Jared, his feelings. Feelings he had never put a name to before, feelings he had barely acknowledged, feelings he had tried to ignore because it was just easier that way. The status quo they had established was better than taking a foolish risk and putting their friendship on the line just to talk about his goddamn feelings.
He rubbed a hand tiredly down his face, resolving not to think about Jared and... anyone else. He just needed to pull out his acting chops and do this, get through this night. This was the guys’ last night in Vancouver; they were supposed to head out to dinner after the game, and then a bar. Even though his nerves were raw and his skin felt like it was stretched too tight over his body, Jensen would go along with that. He had briefly considered faking illness so he could stay home in bed, but that wasn’t fair to the guys who had traveled all the way from LA just to hang out with them. Although, he really didn’t know how much fun he would be tonight. Jesus. Jensen just had to survive this one night.
He’d deal with tomorrow and every night after that later.
The guys all yelled at once and startled Jensen out of his thoughts. Great; he needed to pay attention here, as it was, the conversation was going over his head. Although, considering the company, he didn’t think his participation was exactly necessary. Mike could have a conversation all by his lonesome and all the voices in his head.
He was so wired up and tense that his phone vibrating in his pocket caused him to jump and yell out a curse, earning him curious looks from his friends, including Jared. Not that he had specifically looked at Jared, it’s just that Jared was always there. In his periphery. Looking at him was instinctive, unconscious, necessary. And Jensen really needed to put a stop to it. He answered his phone when he saw the name on the display.
“Hey Momma,” he answered softly, so as not to disturb the others.
“Hi, baby. How are you?” Donna Ackles’ voice came through to him, relaxed and happy and reminding him of their warm, sunny kitchen and tall, cool glasses of sweet tea.
“I’m fine, Momma. Y’all all right?”
“We’re peachy. How’s Jared?” Jensen barely suppressed a sigh. There was no escaping Jared, ever. And it was always his mother’s second question to him whether he and Jared were fighting or friendly.
“He’s fine,” Jensen couldn’t help darting a sideways glance at his best friend, and was a little startled to find him staring right back, his gaze steady, assessing; almost as if he knew something was not right with Jensen.
Jensen looked away.
“Good.” His mother didn’t say anything for a few seconds and Jensen barely resisted the urge to groan. His mother’s, well, maternal, instincts bordered on psychic. “You sure you’re okay, JR? Did you and Jared have a fight?” Jensen did groan this time. But he didn’t have a lifetime’s experience of evading her for nothing.
“No, Momma. I’m just tired, is all.” He almost felt the exact moment that she decided to let it go. For the moment, anyway; best not to let his guard down.
“All right. Well, Mack has some news for you and she’s right here next to me practically bouncing off walls, so I’ma pass her the phone, hold on.”
“Jensen!”
“Hey, baby girl.”
“Guess what? Oh my God! You’ll never guess, so I’m just gonna tell you, oh favorite brother of mine.”
“Josh isn’t there, is he? Favorite by default,” he teased gently, trying to suppress the hurt and the heartache and feel a little bit like his old self, at least to share in whatever had made Mack so happy.
“Well, you’re the one who up and moved to Canada and left me.”
“Uh huh. You gonna pussy-foot around or you gonna tell me what’s up?”
“I made top of my class, Jensen!”
“Honey, that’s amazing!” The heaviness lifted a little from his chest as he shared in his kid sister’s glory. “I am so proud of you, babe, you don’t even know.” His first inclination was to share the news with Jared, he didn’t even stop to think about it. “Hang on, I’ma put you on speaker for a sec.” He gave Jared a small smile and told him, “Mack made the top of her class.” Jared grinned hugely.
“Way to go, Mackenzie Ackles! We’re so proud of you, sweetheart,” he gushed.
“Thanks, Jared Padalecki. Oh my God, I’m talking to Jared Padalecki!” Mack squealed loudly. This was a running joke between her and Jared, not unlike how Jared’s sister, Megan, talked to Jensen actually, even if they hadn’t actually met yet.
“Shut up, you’re talking to Jensen Ackles. That’s way better.”
“That’s not so cool when he’s also my big brother.”
“Yeah, baby girl knows what’s what, Jen,” Jared teased him with a soft smile. Jensen tried to swallow past the sudden lump in his throat. What the hell was wrong with him? Turning into a freakin’ emo mess.
“You can shut up too. I’m amazed at you, Mack, in true Ackles’ form, you conquered your problems with the immunology module.”
“It was the microbiology module,” Jared argued.
“Nah, she said immunology.”
“Dude, it was micro...”
“Don’t argue! You’re both right. They’re covered in the same module and I did have issues with them, but I took your advice and got a tutor, Jensen. He’s a grad student in immunology and I swear he made everything just that much easier to understand. He’s awesome.”
“Uh-oh.” Jensen and Jared actually said this in unison. Then they looked at each other and smirked. Jensen nodded at Jared, silently egging him on.
“And, how awesome is he, Mack?” Jared asked, tongue firmly in cheek. Mack, however, was not a med student for nothing. She did giggle though.
“Really, really awesome. And really smart. And kinda nerdy but totally hot. And he asked me out. And oh my God,” her voice got progressively giddier as she spoke. “Except that he has a huge progress report due in a couple of weeks and we’re not going out until after he hands it in.”
“Well, that sounds responsible.”
“Still, Jen, a grad student? Just how much older than you is he, Mack?”
“Gee, I dunno, Jared. I didn’t ask to see his birth certificate.”
“Well, maybe you should’ve.”
“Jensen!”
“He better not be a playa is all I’m saying.”
“We should meet him first. We’re guys, we’ll know if he’s up to no good.”
“I agree. I’ma be home in a month, Mack, get him to come over for dinner.”
“Wait! I’m not gonna come visit until three weeks after you get home, Jen.”
“I can’t believe you two!” Mack huffed.
“We just need to make sure...”
“... he’s good enough for you, babe.”
“Arghh! I swear you’re both worse than Momma and Daddy. Oh, speaking of whom, Daddy wants to talk to you, Jensen. Bye, Jared!”
“Congratulations again, Mack. Love you, sweetheart.”
“Yeah, baby girl, love you too. We’re so damn proud of you. Always knew you’d make an awesome doctor.”
“Thanks, guys. And I wouldn’t be able to do this without you, Jensen.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. Even if we had nothing, you would have found a way. The Ackles Way.” Jensen smirked as Mack chimed in to say it with him.
“You know it, bro. I love and miss you both; can’t wait to see you. Jared, you are bringing Meg to meet me, right?”
“Yeah, Meg and Jeff are both coming up with me.”
“Awesome.” Mack muttered something under her breath.
“Jensen, Momma is glaring daggers at me, she says you didn’t sound right. You okay?”
“Tell her I am fine. Just fine.” He avoided Jared’s gaze and with an apologetic glance at the rest of the guys, he turned off the speaker phone option.
“You sure?”
“Yeah, Mack.”
“Okay, hang on for Daddy.”
“Hey, son.” Alan Ackles greeted him, his familiar quiet voice having an almost immediate calming effect on Jensen as he walked out into the front hallway and stood gazing out of the window overlooking the front garden. His mother may have always been the over-protective worrier of the family but it was his father with his quiet ways who always unerringly managed to get to the heart of whatever was troubling Jensen.
He tried to make himself sound a little more upbeat, not looking forward to this conversation at all.
“Hi Dad. What’s up?”
“You’re not gonna believe this, but I got him, Jensen. I got that sumbitch.”
“No freakin’ way. Barracuda Bill?”
“Yup. After ten goddamn years, I finally caught the sucker. I sent pictures to your email.”
“That’s awesome. Kinda sad though. Y’all have a big ol’ fish fry?”
“Naw, I let him go. Live to torture me another day.”
“Now that really is awesome. I can’t believe it was an easy thing to do though.”
“Yeah, kinda had to, son. He’s been taunting me for over a decade but if I killed him, well then, don’t know what I’d do with myself. You know what they say about keeping your enemies closer than your friends? There’s logic in that. To get to know someone real well, so well that you know all their strengths and weaknesses. You know where to strike, where it hurts the most; how to love, when it means the most. Something stayed my hand, JR. And now we each live to fight another day, because the fight is what we’re both living for, you know? It energizes you. It gives you purpose and perspective. The great battle of wills.”
Jensen smiled. “Can’t believe you’re waxing poetic about a catfish we call a barracuda, dad.”
“Hey, you’re the one who named him, kiddo.”
“Yeah.” Jensen had a sudden, intense pang of homesickness, and of longing for a family fishing trip out to the lake they called The Hole, even though it had a proper name that no one remembered. He sighed.
“Wish you had been here for that, though,” his father intoned quietly.
“Me too, Daddy.”
“We’ll try again when you do come home for hiatus.”
“You think you’ll get lucky twice?”
“Heh, truth be told, I figure ol’ Bill let me catch him just so he could see my ugly mug up close and personal like. Figure he could be persuaded to meet my boys too. I think Bill’s a grand-daddy by now, definitely some smaller fry in The Hole.”
“Moby Dick would be smaller fry compared to Bill.” Both men chuckled.
“He sure is something else. Damn near broke my heart to see him floundering. Took my picture for posterity and put him back. He swum away with a happy wag of his fishy tail.” Jensen had to smile at that, it was just so typical of his father. He blinked rapidly to disperse the prickling behind his eyes.
“I miss you, Daddy.” The words just slipped out, and Jensen could almost hear his father quietly processing them. Jensen breathed in deep, a little startled when the air stuttered in his chest. It was too much to hope that his father hadn’t heard that.
“I know you’re due home soon, but why don’t you take a couple of days and come on down next weekend, son?” Alan asked, his voice washing over Jensen in soothing waves. “Let your Momma fill your belly up with her cooking and we’ll go fishing for a spell. We miss you too, you know, all the time.” Jensen heard the words, choking up because he knew what his father was really saying was: Come home so we can love you and make whatever it is that’s bringing down go away.
He scrunched his eyes shut, willing himself not to break down. But then he heard his father’s next words and the dam just came crashing down.
“Talk to me, baby boy. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“I can’t, Daddy, not about this,” Jensen choked on a quiet sob, the stupid, ineffective tears he had tried so hard to keep at bay, pooling in his eyes. Because seriously, how could he tell his father that, half a fucking hour ago, he had come to the sudden realization that he was maybe falling for his best friend, who just happened to be another man, who also happened to be in love with someone else? How could he tell his father that he had gone practically three decades of his life liking women and now he was gay for his best friend? How could he tell his father that suddenly life as he knew it would never be the same and it was so goddamn heartbreaking, he didn’t think he would ever be whole again? God help him, he could not think, let alone talk, about this.
Hell, he could hardly breathe.
“You can talk to me about anything, son. That’s how we’ve always rolled, innit?”
“Not this time. I... I messed up. Bad. Dug myself so deep, I can’t get out. It’s crushing me, Daddy. I can’t breathe.”
“Jensen, you listen to me. You are a good, strong man,” his father’s voice was firm, authoritative. Jensen’s vision blurred and then cleared as his tears slid down his cheeks. He blinked but it did nothing to staunch the flow. “That’s how we raised you. Nothing is insurmountable. Don’t lock it away inside, no good comes from doing that. You talk to me, son. Do you want me to come see you?”
“No! No, Dad. Just... just give me some time to sort things out a little bit in my own head. I... I just can’t do it right now, it’s too raw,” he scrubbed a hand down his face, wiping away the tears, and when he raised his eyes towards the door, he froze as he caught Jared standing there, still as a statue, just watching him, eyes anxious, face distressed and yet clearly telegraphing that he was right there for Jensen, ready to make whatever was hurting him go away. Jensen turned from him, tears threatening to choke the breath from his body again. “I gotta go, Daddy. Please... don’t worry. I’ll call you later.” He flipped his phone shut, tossing it on the table, and took the two steps to his right to walk out the front door.
He didn’t get far.
“Jensen?”
“Not now, Jay.”
“Look at me,” he rasped, sounding absolutely wrecked. Jensen most resolutely did not look at him. Jared approached him from behind but he made no move to touch him. It was a smart move on his part; Jensen was fairly certain that if Jared touched him at that moment, he would shatter. “Did something happen? Talk to me, Jen, you’re freaking me out here!” His voice was panicked; Jensen had never heard him like that before. He inhaled deeply and let his breath gust out, calming himself in the process. None of this was Jared’s fault. He had to remember that.
“Don’t, Jay. I... just need to take a walk. I need some air.” He started to move away.
“Wait! Take Sadie with you. I don’t want you be alone. Please?” He sounded so worried that Jensen didn’t have the heart to deny him his request. He just nodded his acquiescence. In less than a minute he had Sadie’s leash in his hand and he was gone, knowing even without turning that Jared was watching his retreating form.
Jared didn’t think he had ever gone into shock before, but he knew enough to recognize the first signs though and he willed himself to slow his breathing, to control his emotions. Whatever had happened with Jensen, they would figure it out together when Jen got back. He needed some space, Jared understood that, even if all he wanted to do right now was run after the man he loved, hug him tight, keep him close and never let anything hurt him again.
Because Jen was hurting bad. He recalled the part of Jensen’s conversation with his father that still resonated in Jared’s ears.
I messed up. Bad. Dug myself so deep, I can’t get out. It’s crushing me, Daddy. I can’t breathe.
It damn near broke Jared’s heart and scared the living shit out of him.
He kept a firm hand on Harley’s collar as the dog whined at the front door, obviously not understanding why Sadie got to go for a walk without him. As Jared calmed Harley in soothing tones, he noticed that Jensen had left his cell phone on the table by the front door. Hesitating only a second, he picked it up, flipped it open and hit the call button for the last incoming number.
“Jensen?” Alan’s voice sounded immediately in his ear.
“Papa Ackles, it’s Jared. I’m sorry, Jen just left. He was so upset. He left his phone. I... I don’t mean to pry but I’ve never seen him like this. Is everything all right over there? Are y’all all right?”
“We’re all good, son. I was just telling him about my fishing trip and... I don’t know. Did something happen at your end?”
“No! He was fine this morning. All smiles and laughter ‘cause his boys came up from LA a couple of days ago. I can’t imagine what happened between then and now.”
“You know where he went?”
“No, but I sent Sadie with him. If he doesn’t come back in half an hour, I’ma take Harley and go look for him.”
“That was quick thinking. Sometimes when he gets upset, he tends to disappear and lose track of time and we get worried out of our minds. Thank you, Jared. If he doesn’t have us there, at least he has you. I figure from the way he always talks about you, you’re family to him. That makes me feel a whole lot better about this. That he’s not alone.”
“He... he talks about me?” Jared felt like a needy bastard, but the fact remained that he liked that Jensen’s family knew how close they were. His own family heard about Jensen on a regular basis; it was only fair that the Ackleses heard about him too. It was just unusual because Jen was not one to openly share his feelings about anyone. Jared felt privileged.
“He always talks about you, son. It’s like we know you so well and we’ve never even met in person yet,” Alan paused, as if carefully mulling over his words. “You know that, with Jensen, what he doesn’t say means just as much or maybe even more than what he does say, right?”
“Right. Yeah, I know exactly what you mean.”
“Figured as much. I know my son. He doesn’t use words to say the important things. He just shows you. It’s in what he does. You just need to pay attention. You’re paying attention, aren’t you, Jared?” Jared wasn’t quite sure what they were talking about now, but somehow he understood what the older man was trying to say.
“Maybe not as much as I should be.” And it was true, he realized suddenly. He was always so focused on trying to control his thoughts and actions around Jensen that maybe he’s missed really seeing what had been going with Jensen. Today pretty much proved that notion; he really had no idea what had happened to upset him like that. Upset him enough to make him cry, Jared thought, his heart constricting painfully in his chest. The sudden, fierce protectiveness that it resulted in hardly took him by surprise, and made him see that he needed to re-evaluate his priorities and maybe, he needed to show Jensen that in Jared’s life, he was Priority Number One.
Jared tuned back in when Alan spoke. “I’ll lay odds that when he gets back, he’s gonna want to go out and get drunk. Just keep an eye on him. And when he’s ready to talk, son, just be there.”
“Always. I’ll always be there for him.”
But Jensen had never really talked to Jared about what happened that day, and Jared had decided not to press the issue. Jensen deserved his privacy, after all; just because they lived in each other’s pockets didn’t mean they had to share everything. No matter how much Jared wanted that to be the case.
It was really unnerving, this feeling of wanting to know every little detail about someone the way he wanted to know everything about Jensen.
At first, he had almost driven himself insane trying to figure out what had happened to upset Jensen so much, even going so far as to wonder if Jensen could somehow be in trouble, or if someone was threatening him. But as the days dragged by, he realized that perhaps that wasn’t the case. Jen was much calmer now, almost back to his usual self, except... except there was something missing now. Like he was holding something back. He still spoke to Jared, and work was fine - Dean was fine - but something was off. Like Jared could hear the affection in Jensen’s voice when he spoke to him but it was guarded somehow. Jensen was guarded as if he was protecting himself.
But from what? Or from whom?
About a week and a half later, Jared started thinking that maybe it was him. Because even though Jensen was holding back, he really didn’t shut Jared out (which truth be told, Jared had kind of expected). Instead, Jensen grew quieter, more introspective, and while he distanced himself (both physically and emotionally) from him, he watched Jared.
Jared bided his time, all his instincts telling him to leave Jensen alone for the moment. He couldn’t help but watch Jensen watch him. He couldn’t help but feel the prickles of awareness skittering over his body as they filmed their scenes together, the tingle in his spine if Jensen was somewhere behind him, the low simmering heat between them as they relaxed at home. Frankly, it was driving him mad, but he persevered, Jensen’s well-being foremost in his mind.
And then one afternoon, as Jared stood shooting the shit with Jim Beaver and Genevieve outside his trailer, he felt a familiar tingle as Jensen’s eyes found him. He unerringly knew in which direction to look for his co-star and saw him immediately, almost all the way across the wide expanse of the lot. As their gazes locked, Jared’s breath stilled in his chest.
Jensen was smiling at him.
Really smiling, although granted, it was a tiny smile, but it was like before... whatever had happened. It was that shy, sweet smile he sometimes flashed in Jared’s direction when he was amused by him. It was, quite possibly, Jared’s favorite smile in Jensen’s entire repertoire of smiles (and the man had dozens to choose from) and why on earth was he still standing here, Jared wondered, feet moving him towards Jensen before the thought was even fully formed in his mind.
If Jensen was finally ready to talk, Jared, who usually did most of the talking, was going to listen.
Getting to the set the next day, Jensen suddenly realized that Genevieve would be there too. The thought alone made his stomach roil. How could he possibly bear watching Jared with her? He couldn’t. It was pointless to even try. Besides which, he actually had a job to do, and he couldn’t let his feelings get in the way of that; instead, all his energy was expended on keeping Dean in character.
At first, he tried to ignore Jared but how do you ignore someone you spend every waking hour with? Besides, Jensen could see how worried Jared was, and it was unfair to Jared to treat him like that. So he tried to be as normal as possible, even though he felt a stab to his heart every time he saw Jared talk to Genevieve.
He couldn’t watch.
Except... except something kept niggling at him. Like there was something right in front of his eyes and yet he wasn’t seeing it. It was curious, that feeling. It made him think he was missing something significant and maybe a part of his brain had noticed it but needed visual confirmation before the realization came. Some instinct told him to watch Jared, no matter how much it hurt, and now suddenly, Jensen felt the need to watch him like he felt the need to breathe.
About a week later, finally, realization hit him like a freight train: slow, but still brutal enough to knock the wind out of him. Jared with Genevieve was nothing like Jared with Jensen.
Jared with Genevieve was subdued. There were no friendly touches, he didn’t drape himself all over her body, his conversation was friendly but not personal, and when he looked at her, there was nothing but camaraderie in his eyes. His eyes didn’t even have that spark they got when he interacted with their other close friends, like Chad, or Mike or Tom, but it was different with Jensen.
When Jared looked at him, it was as if Jensen was the only other person in the world to him.
So Jensen watched him some more, just to make sure that his eyes weren’t deceiving him and he hadn’t taken leave of his senses. He knew that Jared felt his eyes on him, and he appreciated that Jared kept his distance, even though it must have really hurt and rankled that he couldn’t help Jensen. But this was something he needed to come to terms with himself, and the more he watched Jared, the more he found a reason to... hope.
Then one afternoon, just after lunch, he walked around the corner from the food tent, his eyes immediately zooming in on Jared talking to Genevieve and Jim outside his trailer. Again, Jensen was surprised: Jared was his usual friendly, happy self but he held himself back with them. It was so unlike the way he was with him that Jensen had to smile. How could he possibly think, even for a second, that Jared was in love with Genevieve? No matter what Sandy or Chad, both of whom supposedly knew Jared so well, had thought? How could he think that Jared would keep something that significant from him? Because Jared most decidedly did not look at Genevieve like a man in love... not that Jensen really knew what Jared would be like when he did love someone, but he just knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that if Jared was truly in love with someone, then the whole damn world would know it.
Jensen’s smile got a little bigger when he realized Jared was looking, and then walking, intently in his direction, all but ignoring their cast-mates and whatever conversation they had been having. He could feel his smile widening in direct correlation to how much closer Jared came; first steps uncertain, then his strides lengthening before he jogged the last little distance.
No words needed, Jared just hugged him; big, strong arms wrapping all the way around Jensen’s body, pulling him close as he buried his face in the crook of his neck. Jensen couldn’t help it: he laughed and then he hugged Jared back as if his life depended on it.
And he had the funny feeling that it did.
