Fic: Lives Are For Living. (16/35)
Title Lives Are For Living. (16/35)
Fandoms Torchwood/Being Human crossover fic.
Characters/pairings Andy Davidson/Tom McNair. Other Torchwood and Being Human characters will appear later on.
Word count: This part 2300 (Total posted 34,400 /65,000)
Rating This part PG (adult over all)
Contains Mentions of depression/anxiety. Mentions of past canon major character death. Mention of minor character death - not canon. In later parts canon level violence, graphic sex, Andy's homophobic mother. Spoilers for Being Human (UK version) up to series 5 episode 3, and for Torchwood up to Children of Earth.
A/N: Crossover with Being Human. Technically a CoE fix it as it's set in the same 'verse as Finding Ways To Smile Again (although that isn't apparent until about 2/3 the way through the story). Follows on from Break and Breakaway from Tom McNair's POV - which is where it breaks from Being Human canon.
Summary
After being pushed out of the police force following the events of Children of Earth, Andy Davidson tries to build a new life for himself in the deep in the Welsh countryside.
Tom McNair walked out off his old life after realising it wasn't what he needed.
A chance meeting would take their lives in directions that they had never expected and bring them love that they'd not thought they'd find.
Starts here: http://the-silver-sun.livejournal.com/214504.html
Trying to wake himself up coffee had been a really stupid idea, Tom thought miserably as he sat on the ground next to the outside toilet, hoping that he wasn't about to be sick again. Drinking the amount whisky he'd done previous night had been a stupid idea too, he decided as he closed his eyes in an attempt to stop the pounding in his head. All it did was make you feel awful and leave you nothing but hazy, disjointed memories of the previous evening.
“Are you alright? Have you been out here all night?”
Tom opened his eyes to see Andy leaning against the wall next to him. Bleary eyed and squinting in the bright morning sun, Tom thought he looked as rough as he felt. Thinking felt like wading through treacle and it took a moment for him to answer, replying, “Yes and no, I think.”
“Huh?” Andy gave him a baffled look and then sat down heavily next to him. “Don't you know?”
Tom closed his eyes again, before attempting to answer. “I weren't out all night.” He's pretty sure he wasn't outside all night. It had been light when he'd tried to make the coffee or at least not when he'd had to hurry outside. He'd planned on asking Andy if he'd wanted any, but he'd been asleep, still dressed and sprawled across the covers on top of his bed. “And I don't think I'm gonna be sick again. Not if I don't move.”
“That's good.” Andy leant sideways, a warm, heavy weight against Tom's shoulder. “I'm not sure yet. Not about me. I think I might still be drunk. Just a bit.”
“Try not to do it on me,” Tom said, knowing that if he did, he'd soon follow.
Andy gave a mumble in response before lapsing into silence.
When he hadn't said anything for a a few minutes, Tom nudged at his arm with his shoulder. “Are you awake?”
“Yeah. Thinking.”
“About what? I didn't say owt stupid last night, did I?”
“Some stuff,” Andy replied after a pause.
Hoping it wasn't too embarrassing or anything about the wolf, Tom said, “Like what?”
Andy opened his eyes and looked at him. “You said you don't get hangovers. Looks like you were wrong.”
“Were that all?” Tom asked relieved that he'd not made a complete idiot of himself or if he had Andy didn't remember it either. “There weren't anything else, were there?”
“Don't think so. I don't really remember what I said, never mind anything I was told.”
Despite his pounding headache Tom could hear the lie in Andy's voice. It hadn't been there before when he'd asked about what he'd said, so he was fairly sure that Andy was lying about something he'd said to him and now regretted it. He wished that he could remember, but thinking too hard made the throbbing in his head worse, so he stopped.
They sat in silence for a while longer before Andy said, “We should probably try to eat something. We might feel better if we did.”
“Yeah,” Tom agreed with absolutely no conviction at all. Moving seemed like a very bad idea. Sitting completely still until his head felt less likely to explode was definitely a better one.
“Do you want to get something now? The sausage and beans thing I made last night should be alright on toast”
Tom thought about it from a moment, just the idea of food made him feel queasy. His shook his head careful to keep the movements to a minimum.“No.”
“Later then,” Andy replied sounding more relieved than disappointed
“Later,” Tom agreed, resting his head against Andy's shoulder. “Definitely later.”
x0x0x0x
The sky was already cloudless, the temperature and humidity climbing to what Tom suspected would become uncomfortably levels by late afternoon as he'd made his along the winding footpaths that lead up to high point at Coed y Foel. Over looking the both the Caban Coch and Garreg-Ddu reservoirs as well as the Elan and Claerwen valleys it was the place to start his search for somewhere more isolated to change or to just sit and think.
It had taken him until early afternoon to feel like doing anything more than sitting or lying still, but by the time they'd finally eaten and Andy had retreated back to his bedroom, headachy and undecided if the food was going to stay down for long, Tom had started to feel restless. It had been that restlessness combined with the need to clear the last of the fuzziness from his mind that had driven him to start walking.
He didn't know if it was because he'd lived so much of his life outdoors or whether it was because of the wolf that he felt at home there, either way he felt better there. Given a choice of where to be outside he preferred woodland. The was something about it, seeing everything from the towering ancient trees to the new seedlings growing in the space where one of the old trees had fallen. Everything fitted together, found ways of living together. You could feel the age of the place, know that it had been since time immemorial, and would continue to be there, if you just left if in peace.
He wondered if the wolf liked it there, whether it cared for anything other than the hunt or the chase. He didn't know much about what the wolf liked despite it having been part of him for the whole of his remembered life. Its need for space and for freedom though he could feel. He'd changed in a confined space before, when there'd been no other safe option, but it had always felt different afterwards, like he'd still had too much energy, a restlessness filling him that didn't seem to ease until the next time he transformed and could run free once more.
Reaching the top of Coed y Foel, Tom sat down and looked out and looked out at the shining curves of the reservoirs below. The hot summer sun sparkling on the water, while there was nothing to be heard but the faint sounds of nature living it's life undisturbed around him. It was, he though relaxing against the stone cairn on that had been sited on the highest a spot for hiker to use to get their bearings, just about as perfect as it was likely to get for being a werewolf or for getting away from the world.
There was less woodland around the Elan Valley than he would have liked, but there was something about the openness of the moorland, the wide skies and rolling rough grasses that promised freedom. Yet even in the bright summer sun there was a bleakness to it, an emptiness that was at once both liberating and frightening in its isolation.
Not that there was much summer left really, Tom realised, as he looked down at the woods in the valley bottoms, the trees growing thick and close to the banks of the reservoirs. The rowan and elder trees and the bramble bushes he'd past on his walk up had already been heavy with fruit, and he suspected that if he'd looked hard enough he'd have seen hazels and oak, their branched weighed down nuts. His dad had always said that it meant it was going to be a long, cold winter.
Transforming out here when it was in depths of winter when snow was thick on the ground and the temperatures were falling away to well below freezing would be a terrible idea. The wolf would be happy enough running in the snow, but he definitely wouldn't be. Changing back naked and potentially miles from his clothes would make hypothermia a frighteningly real possibility. No, Tom thought worriedly, he'd have to tell Andy what he was before the weather got that bad. Either that or find somewhere secure to change and make up an excuse why he was going out in such horrible weather, as there wasn't anywhere he could used on the farm. The coal cellar in the house would do as a last resort, he supposed, although he would have to get Andy to pile things up in front of the door to make sure he didn't get out.
Tom sighed, even the bright sunlight sparkling on the waters of the Caban Coch reservoir far below failed to lift his spirits. Andy being fine with what he was was an impossible dream. What normal person would want a werewolf in their life, never mind their bed?
He really did want to be in Andy's bed as well as his life. He was in love with him, Tom was sure of that. Not that he'd got much experience of being in love or having relationships, but he was as certain as he could be that what he felt to him was love. He worried about him if he looked sick or tired or hurt, he wanted to see him smile and laugh, wanted to know that he was happy, wanted to talk with him and listen to him, to just be with him in general, to be in his life and for that to never, ever change.
Perhaps if Andy fell in love with him first, if he felt the same way he did, then maybe it wouldn't matter he spent a few hours a month as a werewolf. He sighed again. Or maybe it would make him hate him even more than if he'd told earlier. Losing Andy after having any kind of life together was too horrible to contemplate. But the idea of not trying to have that life, not giving it as chance was terrible too. It would be as good as admitting that he'd never have anyone, that the wolf always won in the end, no matter what you did.
Why did life have to be so confusing? Tom wondered, getting up and heading down to the shore of the reservoir, knowing that he needed the distraction of walking before he started to over think things. Or was it under thinking them that was the problem, he thought as he followed the path down through the woods, was it that he just wasn't bright enough to understand what would have been obvious to everybody else?
It was quiet on the shore when he reached it, the weather feeling hotter and more humid now he come down from the hills. There was a closeness in the air that Tom associated with storms, although the sky was still blue and cloudless, and he doubted there would be any relief from the heat in the form of rain any time soon.
It would be cooler in the water, he decided, so after checking that there wasn't anybody around, Tom left most of his clothes on the shore and waded into the water. Never dive into places like this had been his dad's advice when he'd decided that it was time to teach him to swim, you don't know how deep it is or how cold, it's just asking for trouble. Is was good advice too, Tom thought feeling the water, cool to the point of cold where it was fed by upland streams, swirling about his legs. He definitely wouldn't be doing this any when other than the middle of summer.
Some time later, sitting on the shore, the golden evening sunlight still hot enough to dry him, Tom wondered if Andy had ever come up here to swim or if he even knew the reservoirs were there, as he seemed to rarely leave the farm. It would do him good, Tom decided to get out of the house for a while, to do something other than work on the farm. He could ask him to go swimming with him tomorrow.
Tom smiled at the idea. Perhaps if they went swimming together, something which would mean were little to nothing in the way of clothes, it would be easier to tell him how much he liked him.
Maybe if it was still really hot and sunny maybe he could offer to rub sun cream on his back. He'd seen that in a film Alex had been watching once, the man and woman had...well it wouldn't have been a film his dad would have approved of him watching he was certain of that. He'd gone red and Alex had called him cute, while Hal had seemed more concerned about how the sand would stick to the sun cream, his horrified expression and his whispered, 'but the chafing' had meant they'd all ended up laughing, any embarrassment forgotten.
Even if it didn't work, Tom told himself as he got ready to walk back to the farm, he'd still get to spend time with Andy, which could only be a good thing.
From the far side of the reservoir it was a long walk back to the farm and it was late by the time he reached it, the sun long set despite the light summer evenings. The farmhouse was quiet and dark, the only light on was was in Andy's bedroom and Tom hesitated at the door. It wasn't fair to wake Andy up to say that he wanted to say for longer and to ask him if he wanted to go for a swim tomorrow.
He would talk to him in the morning, Tom decided heading down the path to the side of the farm that lead to his tent on the edge of the woods. He'd have a good think about what to say, plan it out so he didn't make a mess of it. Smiling and looking forward to the morning, Tom got into his tent as the first drops of rain began to fall and thunder rumbled across the valley.
Part 17 http://the-silver-sun.livejournal.com/221922.html
Notes
Apologies for the lateness of this part. Sunday's part will appear on time (I've already got most of it written), and yes, Tom and Andy will finally do something about what they're feeling for each other.
The description of the Elan Valley and the place names come from both google maps and the Clwyd-Powys archaeological trust's information (which has a lot of lovely pictures) http://www.cpat.org.uk/projects/longer/histland/elan/evintr.htm#1132 Elan Village
Fandoms Torchwood/Being Human crossover fic.
Characters/pairings Andy Davidson/Tom McNair. Other Torchwood and Being Human characters will appear later on.
Word count: This part 2300 (Total posted 34,400 /65,000)
Rating This part PG (adult over all)
Contains Mentions of depression/anxiety. Mentions of past canon major character death. Mention of minor character death - not canon. In later parts canon level violence, graphic sex, Andy's homophobic mother. Spoilers for Being Human (UK version) up to series 5 episode 3, and for Torchwood up to Children of Earth.
A/N: Crossover with Being Human. Technically a CoE fix it as it's set in the same 'verse as Finding Ways To Smile Again (although that isn't apparent until about 2/3 the way through the story). Follows on from Break and Breakaway from Tom McNair's POV - which is where it breaks from Being Human canon.
Summary
After being pushed out of the police force following the events of Children of Earth, Andy Davidson tries to build a new life for himself in the deep in the Welsh countryside.
Tom McNair walked out off his old life after realising it wasn't what he needed.
A chance meeting would take their lives in directions that they had never expected and bring them love that they'd not thought they'd find.
Starts here: http://the-silver-sun.livejournal.com/214504.html
Trying to wake himself up coffee had been a really stupid idea, Tom thought miserably as he sat on the ground next to the outside toilet, hoping that he wasn't about to be sick again. Drinking the amount whisky he'd done previous night had been a stupid idea too, he decided as he closed his eyes in an attempt to stop the pounding in his head. All it did was make you feel awful and leave you nothing but hazy, disjointed memories of the previous evening.
“Are you alright? Have you been out here all night?”
Tom opened his eyes to see Andy leaning against the wall next to him. Bleary eyed and squinting in the bright morning sun, Tom thought he looked as rough as he felt. Thinking felt like wading through treacle and it took a moment for him to answer, replying, “Yes and no, I think.”
“Huh?” Andy gave him a baffled look and then sat down heavily next to him. “Don't you know?”
Tom closed his eyes again, before attempting to answer. “I weren't out all night.” He's pretty sure he wasn't outside all night. It had been light when he'd tried to make the coffee or at least not when he'd had to hurry outside. He'd planned on asking Andy if he'd wanted any, but he'd been asleep, still dressed and sprawled across the covers on top of his bed. “And I don't think I'm gonna be sick again. Not if I don't move.”
“That's good.” Andy leant sideways, a warm, heavy weight against Tom's shoulder. “I'm not sure yet. Not about me. I think I might still be drunk. Just a bit.”
“Try not to do it on me,” Tom said, knowing that if he did, he'd soon follow.
Andy gave a mumble in response before lapsing into silence.
When he hadn't said anything for a a few minutes, Tom nudged at his arm with his shoulder. “Are you awake?”
“Yeah. Thinking.”
“About what? I didn't say owt stupid last night, did I?”
“Some stuff,” Andy replied after a pause.
Hoping it wasn't too embarrassing or anything about the wolf, Tom said, “Like what?”
Andy opened his eyes and looked at him. “You said you don't get hangovers. Looks like you were wrong.”
“Were that all?” Tom asked relieved that he'd not made a complete idiot of himself or if he had Andy didn't remember it either. “There weren't anything else, were there?”
“Don't think so. I don't really remember what I said, never mind anything I was told.”
Despite his pounding headache Tom could hear the lie in Andy's voice. It hadn't been there before when he'd asked about what he'd said, so he was fairly sure that Andy was lying about something he'd said to him and now regretted it. He wished that he could remember, but thinking too hard made the throbbing in his head worse, so he stopped.
They sat in silence for a while longer before Andy said, “We should probably try to eat something. We might feel better if we did.”
“Yeah,” Tom agreed with absolutely no conviction at all. Moving seemed like a very bad idea. Sitting completely still until his head felt less likely to explode was definitely a better one.
“Do you want to get something now? The sausage and beans thing I made last night should be alright on toast”
Tom thought about it from a moment, just the idea of food made him feel queasy. His shook his head careful to keep the movements to a minimum.“No.”
“Later then,” Andy replied sounding more relieved than disappointed
“Later,” Tom agreed, resting his head against Andy's shoulder. “Definitely later.”
x0x0x0x
The sky was already cloudless, the temperature and humidity climbing to what Tom suspected would become uncomfortably levels by late afternoon as he'd made his along the winding footpaths that lead up to high point at Coed y Foel. Over looking the both the Caban Coch and Garreg-Ddu reservoirs as well as the Elan and Claerwen valleys it was the place to start his search for somewhere more isolated to change or to just sit and think.
It had taken him until early afternoon to feel like doing anything more than sitting or lying still, but by the time they'd finally eaten and Andy had retreated back to his bedroom, headachy and undecided if the food was going to stay down for long, Tom had started to feel restless. It had been that restlessness combined with the need to clear the last of the fuzziness from his mind that had driven him to start walking.
He didn't know if it was because he'd lived so much of his life outdoors or whether it was because of the wolf that he felt at home there, either way he felt better there. Given a choice of where to be outside he preferred woodland. The was something about it, seeing everything from the towering ancient trees to the new seedlings growing in the space where one of the old trees had fallen. Everything fitted together, found ways of living together. You could feel the age of the place, know that it had been since time immemorial, and would continue to be there, if you just left if in peace.
He wondered if the wolf liked it there, whether it cared for anything other than the hunt or the chase. He didn't know much about what the wolf liked despite it having been part of him for the whole of his remembered life. Its need for space and for freedom though he could feel. He'd changed in a confined space before, when there'd been no other safe option, but it had always felt different afterwards, like he'd still had too much energy, a restlessness filling him that didn't seem to ease until the next time he transformed and could run free once more.
Reaching the top of Coed y Foel, Tom sat down and looked out and looked out at the shining curves of the reservoirs below. The hot summer sun sparkling on the water, while there was nothing to be heard but the faint sounds of nature living it's life undisturbed around him. It was, he though relaxing against the stone cairn on that had been sited on the highest a spot for hiker to use to get their bearings, just about as perfect as it was likely to get for being a werewolf or for getting away from the world.
There was less woodland around the Elan Valley than he would have liked, but there was something about the openness of the moorland, the wide skies and rolling rough grasses that promised freedom. Yet even in the bright summer sun there was a bleakness to it, an emptiness that was at once both liberating and frightening in its isolation.
Not that there was much summer left really, Tom realised, as he looked down at the woods in the valley bottoms, the trees growing thick and close to the banks of the reservoirs. The rowan and elder trees and the bramble bushes he'd past on his walk up had already been heavy with fruit, and he suspected that if he'd looked hard enough he'd have seen hazels and oak, their branched weighed down nuts. His dad had always said that it meant it was going to be a long, cold winter.
Transforming out here when it was in depths of winter when snow was thick on the ground and the temperatures were falling away to well below freezing would be a terrible idea. The wolf would be happy enough running in the snow, but he definitely wouldn't be. Changing back naked and potentially miles from his clothes would make hypothermia a frighteningly real possibility. No, Tom thought worriedly, he'd have to tell Andy what he was before the weather got that bad. Either that or find somewhere secure to change and make up an excuse why he was going out in such horrible weather, as there wasn't anywhere he could used on the farm. The coal cellar in the house would do as a last resort, he supposed, although he would have to get Andy to pile things up in front of the door to make sure he didn't get out.
Tom sighed, even the bright sunlight sparkling on the waters of the Caban Coch reservoir far below failed to lift his spirits. Andy being fine with what he was was an impossible dream. What normal person would want a werewolf in their life, never mind their bed?
He really did want to be in Andy's bed as well as his life. He was in love with him, Tom was sure of that. Not that he'd got much experience of being in love or having relationships, but he was as certain as he could be that what he felt to him was love. He worried about him if he looked sick or tired or hurt, he wanted to see him smile and laugh, wanted to know that he was happy, wanted to talk with him and listen to him, to just be with him in general, to be in his life and for that to never, ever change.
Perhaps if Andy fell in love with him first, if he felt the same way he did, then maybe it wouldn't matter he spent a few hours a month as a werewolf. He sighed again. Or maybe it would make him hate him even more than if he'd told earlier. Losing Andy after having any kind of life together was too horrible to contemplate. But the idea of not trying to have that life, not giving it as chance was terrible too. It would be as good as admitting that he'd never have anyone, that the wolf always won in the end, no matter what you did.
Why did life have to be so confusing? Tom wondered, getting up and heading down to the shore of the reservoir, knowing that he needed the distraction of walking before he started to over think things. Or was it under thinking them that was the problem, he thought as he followed the path down through the woods, was it that he just wasn't bright enough to understand what would have been obvious to everybody else?
It was quiet on the shore when he reached it, the weather feeling hotter and more humid now he come down from the hills. There was a closeness in the air that Tom associated with storms, although the sky was still blue and cloudless, and he doubted there would be any relief from the heat in the form of rain any time soon.
It would be cooler in the water, he decided, so after checking that there wasn't anybody around, Tom left most of his clothes on the shore and waded into the water. Never dive into places like this had been his dad's advice when he'd decided that it was time to teach him to swim, you don't know how deep it is or how cold, it's just asking for trouble. Is was good advice too, Tom thought feeling the water, cool to the point of cold where it was fed by upland streams, swirling about his legs. He definitely wouldn't be doing this any when other than the middle of summer.
Some time later, sitting on the shore, the golden evening sunlight still hot enough to dry him, Tom wondered if Andy had ever come up here to swim or if he even knew the reservoirs were there, as he seemed to rarely leave the farm. It would do him good, Tom decided to get out of the house for a while, to do something other than work on the farm. He could ask him to go swimming with him tomorrow.
Tom smiled at the idea. Perhaps if they went swimming together, something which would mean were little to nothing in the way of clothes, it would be easier to tell him how much he liked him.
Maybe if it was still really hot and sunny maybe he could offer to rub sun cream on his back. He'd seen that in a film Alex had been watching once, the man and woman had...well it wouldn't have been a film his dad would have approved of him watching he was certain of that. He'd gone red and Alex had called him cute, while Hal had seemed more concerned about how the sand would stick to the sun cream, his horrified expression and his whispered, 'but the chafing' had meant they'd all ended up laughing, any embarrassment forgotten.
Even if it didn't work, Tom told himself as he got ready to walk back to the farm, he'd still get to spend time with Andy, which could only be a good thing.
From the far side of the reservoir it was a long walk back to the farm and it was late by the time he reached it, the sun long set despite the light summer evenings. The farmhouse was quiet and dark, the only light on was was in Andy's bedroom and Tom hesitated at the door. It wasn't fair to wake Andy up to say that he wanted to say for longer and to ask him if he wanted to go for a swim tomorrow.
He would talk to him in the morning, Tom decided heading down the path to the side of the farm that lead to his tent on the edge of the woods. He'd have a good think about what to say, plan it out so he didn't make a mess of it. Smiling and looking forward to the morning, Tom got into his tent as the first drops of rain began to fall and thunder rumbled across the valley.
Part 17 http://the-silver-sun.livejournal.com/221922.html
Notes
Apologies for the lateness of this part. Sunday's part will appear on time (I've already got most of it written), and yes, Tom and Andy will finally do something about what they're feeling for each other.
The description of the Elan Valley and the place names come from both google maps and the Clwyd-Powys archaeological trust's information (which has a lot of lovely pictures) http://www.cpat.org.uk/projects/longer/histland/elan/evintr.htm#1132 Elan Village