Chosen
I've wanted to do this for days. I have icons - amazing icons, made by wonderful Emma - and I've been longing to bring them out to play. In fact I wanted to upload them all at once, but Live Journal wouldn’t let me, so they'll have to take turns. And there’s been so much I've wanted to say.
But until this moment I've honestly not been able to string a coherent sentence together. I've never been so overwhelmed, so excited, so moved. And it's a TV show, for goodness sake! I have to repeat that mantra several times a day right now…!!
Ok, let's get the frivolous moment out the way first.
Frivolous Moment
The Coat! The Coat died too. I am going to miss that Coat, I can tell you.
A moment, please.
There.
Anyway, on with the serious stuff!
"Great love is wild and passionate and dangerous. It burns and consumes." - Seeing Red
Isn't it the most delicious irony that Spike, at his most deluded, should turn out to be right after all?
I love this show. And oh, I adored every minute of its final episode.
And it hurts. Oh, it kinda stings, it really does. It hurts because from the moment it began it never stopped happening - and we've never had a moment to stop and take it in. And six years on we suddenly stop, and it feels like it all happened so fast, and it just knocks all the breath out of you. Six years ought to be enough to get from the beginning, the "What happens on Saturday?" "I kill you", to this, to "I love you". But we've come so far. Because there's nowhere we haven't been, nothing we haven't touched. And it just feels like you need forever to sit and take it all in.
But more than that it hurts because it's too big. There's just too much to get hold of. We got a tiny glimpse of heaven and it is so beyond us that we just don't know what to do with it.
I was completely spoiled for this episode. I read the script weeks ago. And even before any spoilers had come out for this episode I think I knew the way it was going to end. This is something I wrote months ago, completely unspoiled, in a little piece of fanfic that I have yet to finish -
She knows that it won’t always be like this. She knows that maybe tomorrow she'll wake up scared, really scared. She knows that when it happens it will hurt and she might have to let go of him, and she doesn’t want to. God she doesn't want to.
I knew all along this was the way it was going to end - and yet, I didn't know at all, because I could never have come close to this. I could never have imagined it would feel like this.
And so I'm here doing the only thing I can do - trying to make some kind of sense of all the thoughts that are racing round my head - not because I'm ever going to get hold of this epic love story, of what it means - but because I have to at least try.
If I wrote down my thoughts on everything in this episode it would take me a year. So I'm going to keep to the part closest to me - what else but Buffy and Spike?
I've read some fabulous posts and some amazing insight into this episode - but I've also seen people regret that we didn't get a kiss.
No kiss? Goodness, this episode is full of kisses! When Buffy reaches out and caresses Spike's face - what, we're supposed to imagine they just stood there stroking each other's faces? I mean, come on, the next thing we see they're in bed in each other’s arms.
Of course there were kisses. Oh, not big, desperate, hungry kisses - but soft, quiet, kisses - kisses as instinctive and underplayed and natural as everything else in their relationship at this point.
I think the scene where she's lying there playing with his hand is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. And it follows that it can only come from physical intimacy - you just don't have that level of comfort with somebody unless you trust them with every part of your body and soul. And oh, aren’t their hands perfect together? Hers so tiny, his so strong. And goodness, you could make an entire video box-set out of all the significant hand moments Buffy and Spike have shared over the past six years.
I love all sorts of silly things about this scene. I love the fact that Buffy has changed into nightwear - it's just - I don't know - it's such a difference from the past. She's made him part of her life - made him her life, even - rather than using him to get away from it. And this tiny thing is just the most wonderful example of that.
And just watching the two of them together - I felt as wrapped up and as safe and as warm as I ever have in my life.
And as for the other basement scene. Oh my goodness.
You can't see this scene and not ask the question - do they? Is this our last, best spuffy sex scene?
But of course, the most important thing here is that it doesn't matter. We don't need to know and we certainly don't need to see it. It's between Buffy and Spike. Find me another show that is brave enough to do this - that has enough faith in its fans to know that they can believe without having to actually have it spelt out in front of them.
But even so, I don't think it could be more obvious. Buffy is standing outside on the front step (and oh, the beautiful spuffy memories of step scenes!) for one reason and one reason only. She's not contemplating the next day, she's not reminiscing over the past, she's not gathering strength for what lies ahead - well, maybe a little of all those things...but the point is, she's already told Spike the previous night that she knows they're going to win. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is supremely confident. It's Buffy the girl out there on the step, and she's out there, alone, because she has a decision to make.
And the decision isn't about whether or not she's going to spend the night with Spike again. That goes without saying - after all, nothing's changed. Faith still has her room. Her stuff is still in the basement. No, it's a little bit more than that. I'm not making great leaps of assumption here…just look at the way the scene is played. Buffy, outside, thinking about someone, resolving to do something - the mirror scene of Spike, sitting there, thinking, and then - oh, and then! Only the most seductive off-screen footsteps I have ever heard. There is no mistaking it. She walks down those stairs so slowly, so deliberately. She's made a choice.
And then the look he gives her. He knows exactly why she's there.
I'm sure they slept together - really slept together. It wouldn't matter for a moment if they didn’t - because sex now is an expression of their relationship rather than the relationship itself. But it seems to me the whole way this scene is played tells us that they did, and that it was warm and gentle and tender. And complete.
I think, ultimately, that's what gives Buffy the strength and the courage to leave him in the final scene. Because I think that one last demon between them is laid to rest, in one beautiful night, that isn’t going to send a house rocking to the ground, or smash furniture, or ever mean anything to anybody else - but a night that is all theirs, and that will stay with them both forever.
Besides, he does have what came to be referred to as the *jbf* hair the next day...come on, that's a clue!
Having strayed briefly to a flippant note - have to mention this, quickly. The board game. Was that the funniest moment ever? It will have me laughing for the rest of my life. And as for the Xandrew moment at the end - the wonderfully ambiguous "That's my girl" - perfect.
Anyway, before I get completely off track…
The Scene. That final scene. Where do you begin?
There's one line that's been stuck in the back of my mind all season. "If we all do our parts, we’ll be the ones left standing." I knew it meant something, but oh - clever, clever show - I thought left standing meant living, not getting killed. But of course, when it comes down to it, Spike is the one with the biggest part to play - and it's him that's left standing. Left standing while everyone else runs. Almost everyone else, that is.
This scene is perfect, absolutely bloody perfect, from the moment he calls out her name - "Buffy!" and she responds so instinctively, so immediately - and turns and calls back to him, screaming his name across the room, and you know they're doing that thing they've always done, where everyone else present just ceases to exist.
You know - and it's another silly thing, but I love this show for its silly things as much as its huge moments - I love the way this season Spike has called Buffy by her name. In the past it's almost seemed like he felt it wasn't his right, and so there've been the nicknames - Slayer, love, pet, Goldilocks - anything but her name. And here he says her name again, and again, and again - because it's the most natural thing in the world - she is everything to him, and every thought and every word is her.
And oh, they saved the very best of all Buffy-Spike hand moments until last.
The hand sex. There's no mistaking the metaphor here. It's simple and extraordinary and beautiful beyond anything.
Until Tuesday night I thought no sex scene ever was going to come close to Smashed. But this is in a whole new league. The light and the strength in his eyes as he looks into hers, and feels her love surging through him and his very soul surging through her, are beyond anything.
And her face. Her face! No doubt about it, this is Sarah Michelle Gellar's finest hour. The two of them are just unbelievable here - the closeness and the tenderness and the joy and the strength and the ecstasy and oh-my-goodness the sex!
I love the smile she gives him as she feels it too - feels his soul, and understands - understands why he has to do this and feels his perfect happiness, and knows that she doesn't have to be afraid for him. And the togetherness of it all is just overwhelming. In that moment they are one.
And oh, that magic, beautiful spuffy theme! I'm so glad they got a theme.
I don't need to say anything about "I love you". It speaks for itself. And I loved what I read earlier over in the best of threads at Crumbling Walls, that it isn’t an admittance, or a realisation, or anything momentous - she’s just saying out loud what they’ve both known for some time - what she’s already told him in a thousand ways, without ever saying the words.
I'm so glad that she says it though. And I love that even in his fantasies - in Out of My Mind, for instance - and even under the spell in Something Blue - she's never said it to him before. There's something very special about that - that she says to him the one thing he never even dared to dream she might.
But of course the talking point of this episode was always going to be his reaction.
"No you don't"
Does he mean it?
Do you know, I think, in a way, he does. And I don't think this scene would be the beautiful, extraordinary scene it is if he didn't.
One thing I'm absolutely sure of. He believes that she means it. He believes that she believes it, knows that what he sees in her eyes is real - for her. You see, there's a little bit of Entropy in this. She means it and he knows she means it. But just then love itself is taking on a whole new meaning for him.
The nearest I can come to explaining it is the scene at the end of After Life, when Buffy tells Spike about being in Heaven. She tells him because she has to - because she can't go on alone, and because it's an unwritten rule of their relationship that when the situation gets tough, they turn to one another. But she doesn't expect him to understand. It's a big part of the reason she tells him, and not anyone else - because she knows he won't try to understand, that he'll just listen, and accept. She needs him to know but she's not asking him to comprehend.
This is kind of the same thing. You see, Spike knows all about love. He's learnt the hard way - because he's got it so wrong, so often - and yet when he gets it at last he gets it in a way that some of us never even get close to. But what he’s feeling now is bigger - bigger even than what he put into words so beautifully in Touched. It transcends both of them. It is love beyond thought and beyond word and beyond deed. It is the great love Spike could not have begun to comprehend when he spoke of it in Seeing Red - the love that burns and consumes - not because it is wild, or passionate, or dangerous, but because it is absolute, and finished, and complete. And he needs her to be there with him, as he feels it. It's his perfect moment, and he loves her, so much, and he needs her there. But he's not asking her to understand it, not needing her to feel it too. He just needs her there with him.
I think she does feel it. We see it in her eyes, and we see that moment of complete understanding between them as their eyes and hands meet. And she's been there too - she's sacrificed herself, for love, and she's known heaven. It's because she feels it and because she understands that she's able to let him go.
But there's something else going on here too. Watch this scene - really watch it. Because it's set up in a very deliberate way, to make something very clear to us.
Think about it. Who's holding who in this scene?
You see, this is the most incredible piece of acting I have ever seen from these two. Because one of the reasons they've always been magic together is they have two very different styles of acting - his is the almost exaggerated, heart-on-his-sleeve depiction of every emotion and hers the opposite - I've heard her described as "the master of understatement". And it always worked because in any scene between those two he would give everything and she would give almost nothing - just enough to let us know everything we needed to know. It was the perfect balance - the reason they fed off each other so beautifully. But in this scene - and God only knows how they did this - it's the other way round. We've known James Marsters for that incredible range of facial expression - and here all we get is the tiniest flicker of an eyebrow, and that extraordinary light in his eyes. And yet there she is, taking him on at his own game - emoting for everything it's worth.
There's a reason for it. There’s a reason why he's set up as the tower of strength - a reason why his face is set, and why she is the vulnerable one, the one trembling under the weight of her emotion. There's a reason why he is the one holding her and she is the one just holding onto him, being held by him.
And it's this.
"No you don't" isn’t a statement of fact - it's an instruction. The delivery is absolutely unmistakable. And nobody can deliver a line like James Marsters can - except, perhaps, Sarah Michelle Gellar. I honestly think there's no other way of interpreting it. That's exactly why this scene is set up the way it is.
Look at everything he says to her in this scene. When he says, "Buffy, I can feel it." there's still that tiny edge of vulnerability, that tiny sense of leaning on her. You can hear it in his voice, see it in his eyes. But from the moment we cut back to that scene, he is completely in charge. And the last six things he says to her are all instructions - "Go on then" - " No…it's for me to do the clean up" - "Gotta move, lamb" - " I mean it, I gotta do this " - " No you don't" - "Now go! "
And oh my goodness, just look at the communication between them at the moment. The words they speak say nothing compared to the volumes each of them speak with their eyes. Even the very first moment they met, back in School Hard, the moment they started talking they just locked into each other and Xander and Willow just ceased to exist. And this is the perfect incarnation of that connection - they are locked into each other, completely, and there is nothing between them. He knows when he says it to her that she knows why he says it.
One of my favourite books in the world is EM Forster’s Where Angels Fear to Tread. Its central character is, ultimately, redeemed through the woman he loves. And his character grows because of two things - because of his love for her, and because of his recognition of the truth - that she doesn't love him in return. But Spike has to go one whole level higher than that. Because, in loving Buffy, he has become the very best person he can be, and he, too, recognises the truth - but this is harder, so much harder - because the truth is that she does love him. And he knows that to acknowledge it would be selfish.
This is where Spike gets to be the hero - where he gets to be a champion in a way Angel cannot even dream of. And Angel didn't come back for nothing - Buffy didn't choose Spike as her champion over Angel for nothing. Because the most deliberate comparison is being drawn here -a comparison with Becoming. Spike knows that Buffy has been haunted for ever by what she did to Angel - knows that Angel's reaction made what she had to do almost unbearable. But he knows that this time he can save her. And we can see in Buffy’s face that she's ready to stay with him here - but he knows that he can't let her. So his does this one, last, amazing thing for her - but it’s not he hides the truth from her to protect her. Because this is their moment of perfect honesty, and he knows that he can't hide from her, not now. So he acknowledges the truth - acknowledges it in the way he looks at her, looks into her eyes and her heart and her soul - and then he tells her what she has to do. "No, you don't".
It's the most wonderful contrast. Angel may have got his soul back at the last minute but Buffy still had to kill him like a monster. But Spike - Spike dies a man.
He has lived for nothing but Buffy, and he dies for her, for this great, all-consuming love, that has saved her a hundred times already and in this last, glorious moment, saves the world. But the greatest gift Spike gives to Buffy is not his love, but her. He gives her herself. He gives her who she is. Isn't that what Touched is all about? Spike has made Buffy believe that she is worthy of being loved, and in that, he has given her everything to live for.
He knows that he can't let all her hope and all her strength and all her love - and you can see it, every atom of love in her body and soul pouring out over him - burn with him. So he gives it back. He gives her her freedom. It's not just about making sure she gets out in time to live - it's also about giving her something to live for when he’s gone. He knows that at moment his life is complete - he has everything he's every wanted from her, and he is at peace - with her, and with the world, and with himself. But he knows too that he cannot let her feel the same way - because if she feels her life is complete she has nothing left to live for.
It's exactly what he said to her in Once More With Feeling -
"You have to go on living. So one of us is living".
In the end, they love each other enough to let go. I don't think love gets bigger than that. And they know that loving each other is the greatest thing either of them will ever do, and they know that neither of them will ever love anyone in the same way again. But because they have loved each other completely - been through everything, and overcome everything, and reached a perfect love that most of us can do nothing but aspire to - they can go on. They can do what they each have to do, and there are no regrets.
And oh, I'm going to miss them.
Our two Chosen Ones. Our heroes.
This is something I wrote ages ago in the spoiler thread at Crumbling Walls, and I think, ultimately, it kind of sums up what this episode, and this relationship, and this whole show has meant to me. When we talk about two people being made and meant for each other - and oh, if any two people have been, it has been Spike and Buffy - it doesn't mean they’re destined to be together until the end of time. In the end, nobody is. But we are all destined, like Buffy and Spike, to live, and love, and add our names to the list of people that affirm that life, and love, are worth it.
But until this moment I've honestly not been able to string a coherent sentence together. I've never been so overwhelmed, so excited, so moved. And it's a TV show, for goodness sake! I have to repeat that mantra several times a day right now…!!
Ok, let's get the frivolous moment out the way first.
Frivolous Moment
The Coat! The Coat died too. I am going to miss that Coat, I can tell you.
A moment, please.
There.
Anyway, on with the serious stuff!
"Great love is wild and passionate and dangerous. It burns and consumes." - Seeing Red
Isn't it the most delicious irony that Spike, at his most deluded, should turn out to be right after all?
I love this show. And oh, I adored every minute of its final episode.
And it hurts. Oh, it kinda stings, it really does. It hurts because from the moment it began it never stopped happening - and we've never had a moment to stop and take it in. And six years on we suddenly stop, and it feels like it all happened so fast, and it just knocks all the breath out of you. Six years ought to be enough to get from the beginning, the "What happens on Saturday?" "I kill you", to this, to "I love you". But we've come so far. Because there's nowhere we haven't been, nothing we haven't touched. And it just feels like you need forever to sit and take it all in.
But more than that it hurts because it's too big. There's just too much to get hold of. We got a tiny glimpse of heaven and it is so beyond us that we just don't know what to do with it.
I was completely spoiled for this episode. I read the script weeks ago. And even before any spoilers had come out for this episode I think I knew the way it was going to end. This is something I wrote months ago, completely unspoiled, in a little piece of fanfic that I have yet to finish -
She knows that it won’t always be like this. She knows that maybe tomorrow she'll wake up scared, really scared. She knows that when it happens it will hurt and she might have to let go of him, and she doesn’t want to. God she doesn't want to.
I knew all along this was the way it was going to end - and yet, I didn't know at all, because I could never have come close to this. I could never have imagined it would feel like this.
And so I'm here doing the only thing I can do - trying to make some kind of sense of all the thoughts that are racing round my head - not because I'm ever going to get hold of this epic love story, of what it means - but because I have to at least try.
If I wrote down my thoughts on everything in this episode it would take me a year. So I'm going to keep to the part closest to me - what else but Buffy and Spike?
I've read some fabulous posts and some amazing insight into this episode - but I've also seen people regret that we didn't get a kiss.
No kiss? Goodness, this episode is full of kisses! When Buffy reaches out and caresses Spike's face - what, we're supposed to imagine they just stood there stroking each other's faces? I mean, come on, the next thing we see they're in bed in each other’s arms.
Of course there were kisses. Oh, not big, desperate, hungry kisses - but soft, quiet, kisses - kisses as instinctive and underplayed and natural as everything else in their relationship at this point.
I think the scene where she's lying there playing with his hand is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. And it follows that it can only come from physical intimacy - you just don't have that level of comfort with somebody unless you trust them with every part of your body and soul. And oh, aren’t their hands perfect together? Hers so tiny, his so strong. And goodness, you could make an entire video box-set out of all the significant hand moments Buffy and Spike have shared over the past six years.
I love all sorts of silly things about this scene. I love the fact that Buffy has changed into nightwear - it's just - I don't know - it's such a difference from the past. She's made him part of her life - made him her life, even - rather than using him to get away from it. And this tiny thing is just the most wonderful example of that.
And just watching the two of them together - I felt as wrapped up and as safe and as warm as I ever have in my life.
And as for the other basement scene. Oh my goodness.
You can't see this scene and not ask the question - do they? Is this our last, best spuffy sex scene?
But of course, the most important thing here is that it doesn't matter. We don't need to know and we certainly don't need to see it. It's between Buffy and Spike. Find me another show that is brave enough to do this - that has enough faith in its fans to know that they can believe without having to actually have it spelt out in front of them.
But even so, I don't think it could be more obvious. Buffy is standing outside on the front step (and oh, the beautiful spuffy memories of step scenes!) for one reason and one reason only. She's not contemplating the next day, she's not reminiscing over the past, she's not gathering strength for what lies ahead - well, maybe a little of all those things...but the point is, she's already told Spike the previous night that she knows they're going to win. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is supremely confident. It's Buffy the girl out there on the step, and she's out there, alone, because she has a decision to make.
And the decision isn't about whether or not she's going to spend the night with Spike again. That goes without saying - after all, nothing's changed. Faith still has her room. Her stuff is still in the basement. No, it's a little bit more than that. I'm not making great leaps of assumption here…just look at the way the scene is played. Buffy, outside, thinking about someone, resolving to do something - the mirror scene of Spike, sitting there, thinking, and then - oh, and then! Only the most seductive off-screen footsteps I have ever heard. There is no mistaking it. She walks down those stairs so slowly, so deliberately. She's made a choice.
And then the look he gives her. He knows exactly why she's there.
I'm sure they slept together - really slept together. It wouldn't matter for a moment if they didn’t - because sex now is an expression of their relationship rather than the relationship itself. But it seems to me the whole way this scene is played tells us that they did, and that it was warm and gentle and tender. And complete.
I think, ultimately, that's what gives Buffy the strength and the courage to leave him in the final scene. Because I think that one last demon between them is laid to rest, in one beautiful night, that isn’t going to send a house rocking to the ground, or smash furniture, or ever mean anything to anybody else - but a night that is all theirs, and that will stay with them both forever.
Besides, he does have what came to be referred to as the *jbf* hair the next day...come on, that's a clue!
Having strayed briefly to a flippant note - have to mention this, quickly. The board game. Was that the funniest moment ever? It will have me laughing for the rest of my life. And as for the Xandrew moment at the end - the wonderfully ambiguous "That's my girl" - perfect.
Anyway, before I get completely off track…
The Scene. That final scene. Where do you begin?
There's one line that's been stuck in the back of my mind all season. "If we all do our parts, we’ll be the ones left standing." I knew it meant something, but oh - clever, clever show - I thought left standing meant living, not getting killed. But of course, when it comes down to it, Spike is the one with the biggest part to play - and it's him that's left standing. Left standing while everyone else runs. Almost everyone else, that is.
This scene is perfect, absolutely bloody perfect, from the moment he calls out her name - "Buffy!" and she responds so instinctively, so immediately - and turns and calls back to him, screaming his name across the room, and you know they're doing that thing they've always done, where everyone else present just ceases to exist.
You know - and it's another silly thing, but I love this show for its silly things as much as its huge moments - I love the way this season Spike has called Buffy by her name. In the past it's almost seemed like he felt it wasn't his right, and so there've been the nicknames - Slayer, love, pet, Goldilocks - anything but her name. And here he says her name again, and again, and again - because it's the most natural thing in the world - she is everything to him, and every thought and every word is her.
And oh, they saved the very best of all Buffy-Spike hand moments until last.
The hand sex. There's no mistaking the metaphor here. It's simple and extraordinary and beautiful beyond anything.
Until Tuesday night I thought no sex scene ever was going to come close to Smashed. But this is in a whole new league. The light and the strength in his eyes as he looks into hers, and feels her love surging through him and his very soul surging through her, are beyond anything.
And her face. Her face! No doubt about it, this is Sarah Michelle Gellar's finest hour. The two of them are just unbelievable here - the closeness and the tenderness and the joy and the strength and the ecstasy and oh-my-goodness the sex!
I love the smile she gives him as she feels it too - feels his soul, and understands - understands why he has to do this and feels his perfect happiness, and knows that she doesn't have to be afraid for him. And the togetherness of it all is just overwhelming. In that moment they are one.
And oh, that magic, beautiful spuffy theme! I'm so glad they got a theme.
I don't need to say anything about "I love you". It speaks for itself. And I loved what I read earlier over in the best of threads at Crumbling Walls, that it isn’t an admittance, or a realisation, or anything momentous - she’s just saying out loud what they’ve both known for some time - what she’s already told him in a thousand ways, without ever saying the words.
I'm so glad that she says it though. And I love that even in his fantasies - in Out of My Mind, for instance - and even under the spell in Something Blue - she's never said it to him before. There's something very special about that - that she says to him the one thing he never even dared to dream she might.
But of course the talking point of this episode was always going to be his reaction.
"No you don't"
Does he mean it?
Do you know, I think, in a way, he does. And I don't think this scene would be the beautiful, extraordinary scene it is if he didn't.
One thing I'm absolutely sure of. He believes that she means it. He believes that she believes it, knows that what he sees in her eyes is real - for her. You see, there's a little bit of Entropy in this. She means it and he knows she means it. But just then love itself is taking on a whole new meaning for him.
The nearest I can come to explaining it is the scene at the end of After Life, when Buffy tells Spike about being in Heaven. She tells him because she has to - because she can't go on alone, and because it's an unwritten rule of their relationship that when the situation gets tough, they turn to one another. But she doesn't expect him to understand. It's a big part of the reason she tells him, and not anyone else - because she knows he won't try to understand, that he'll just listen, and accept. She needs him to know but she's not asking him to comprehend.
This is kind of the same thing. You see, Spike knows all about love. He's learnt the hard way - because he's got it so wrong, so often - and yet when he gets it at last he gets it in a way that some of us never even get close to. But what he’s feeling now is bigger - bigger even than what he put into words so beautifully in Touched. It transcends both of them. It is love beyond thought and beyond word and beyond deed. It is the great love Spike could not have begun to comprehend when he spoke of it in Seeing Red - the love that burns and consumes - not because it is wild, or passionate, or dangerous, but because it is absolute, and finished, and complete. And he needs her to be there with him, as he feels it. It's his perfect moment, and he loves her, so much, and he needs her there. But he's not asking her to understand it, not needing her to feel it too. He just needs her there with him.
I think she does feel it. We see it in her eyes, and we see that moment of complete understanding between them as their eyes and hands meet. And she's been there too - she's sacrificed herself, for love, and she's known heaven. It's because she feels it and because she understands that she's able to let him go.
But there's something else going on here too. Watch this scene - really watch it. Because it's set up in a very deliberate way, to make something very clear to us.
Think about it. Who's holding who in this scene?
You see, this is the most incredible piece of acting I have ever seen from these two. Because one of the reasons they've always been magic together is they have two very different styles of acting - his is the almost exaggerated, heart-on-his-sleeve depiction of every emotion and hers the opposite - I've heard her described as "the master of understatement". And it always worked because in any scene between those two he would give everything and she would give almost nothing - just enough to let us know everything we needed to know. It was the perfect balance - the reason they fed off each other so beautifully. But in this scene - and God only knows how they did this - it's the other way round. We've known James Marsters for that incredible range of facial expression - and here all we get is the tiniest flicker of an eyebrow, and that extraordinary light in his eyes. And yet there she is, taking him on at his own game - emoting for everything it's worth.
There's a reason for it. There’s a reason why he's set up as the tower of strength - a reason why his face is set, and why she is the vulnerable one, the one trembling under the weight of her emotion. There's a reason why he is the one holding her and she is the one just holding onto him, being held by him.
And it's this.
"No you don't" isn’t a statement of fact - it's an instruction. The delivery is absolutely unmistakable. And nobody can deliver a line like James Marsters can - except, perhaps, Sarah Michelle Gellar. I honestly think there's no other way of interpreting it. That's exactly why this scene is set up the way it is.
Look at everything he says to her in this scene. When he says, "Buffy, I can feel it." there's still that tiny edge of vulnerability, that tiny sense of leaning on her. You can hear it in his voice, see it in his eyes. But from the moment we cut back to that scene, he is completely in charge. And the last six things he says to her are all instructions - "Go on then" - " No…it's for me to do the clean up" - "Gotta move, lamb" - " I mean it, I gotta do this " - " No you don't" - "Now go! "
And oh my goodness, just look at the communication between them at the moment. The words they speak say nothing compared to the volumes each of them speak with their eyes. Even the very first moment they met, back in School Hard, the moment they started talking they just locked into each other and Xander and Willow just ceased to exist. And this is the perfect incarnation of that connection - they are locked into each other, completely, and there is nothing between them. He knows when he says it to her that she knows why he says it.
One of my favourite books in the world is EM Forster’s Where Angels Fear to Tread. Its central character is, ultimately, redeemed through the woman he loves. And his character grows because of two things - because of his love for her, and because of his recognition of the truth - that she doesn't love him in return. But Spike has to go one whole level higher than that. Because, in loving Buffy, he has become the very best person he can be, and he, too, recognises the truth - but this is harder, so much harder - because the truth is that she does love him. And he knows that to acknowledge it would be selfish.
This is where Spike gets to be the hero - where he gets to be a champion in a way Angel cannot even dream of. And Angel didn't come back for nothing - Buffy didn't choose Spike as her champion over Angel for nothing. Because the most deliberate comparison is being drawn here -a comparison with Becoming. Spike knows that Buffy has been haunted for ever by what she did to Angel - knows that Angel's reaction made what she had to do almost unbearable. But he knows that this time he can save her. And we can see in Buffy’s face that she's ready to stay with him here - but he knows that he can't let her. So his does this one, last, amazing thing for her - but it’s not he hides the truth from her to protect her. Because this is their moment of perfect honesty, and he knows that he can't hide from her, not now. So he acknowledges the truth - acknowledges it in the way he looks at her, looks into her eyes and her heart and her soul - and then he tells her what she has to do. "No, you don't".
It's the most wonderful contrast. Angel may have got his soul back at the last minute but Buffy still had to kill him like a monster. But Spike - Spike dies a man.
He has lived for nothing but Buffy, and he dies for her, for this great, all-consuming love, that has saved her a hundred times already and in this last, glorious moment, saves the world. But the greatest gift Spike gives to Buffy is not his love, but her. He gives her herself. He gives her who she is. Isn't that what Touched is all about? Spike has made Buffy believe that she is worthy of being loved, and in that, he has given her everything to live for.
He knows that he can't let all her hope and all her strength and all her love - and you can see it, every atom of love in her body and soul pouring out over him - burn with him. So he gives it back. He gives her her freedom. It's not just about making sure she gets out in time to live - it's also about giving her something to live for when he’s gone. He knows that at moment his life is complete - he has everything he's every wanted from her, and he is at peace - with her, and with the world, and with himself. But he knows too that he cannot let her feel the same way - because if she feels her life is complete she has nothing left to live for.
It's exactly what he said to her in Once More With Feeling -
"You have to go on living. So one of us is living".
In the end, they love each other enough to let go. I don't think love gets bigger than that. And they know that loving each other is the greatest thing either of them will ever do, and they know that neither of them will ever love anyone in the same way again. But because they have loved each other completely - been through everything, and overcome everything, and reached a perfect love that most of us can do nothing but aspire to - they can go on. They can do what they each have to do, and there are no regrets.
And oh, I'm going to miss them.
Our two Chosen Ones. Our heroes.
This is something I wrote ages ago in the spoiler thread at Crumbling Walls, and I think, ultimately, it kind of sums up what this episode, and this relationship, and this whole show has meant to me. When we talk about two people being made and meant for each other - and oh, if any two people have been, it has been Spike and Buffy - it doesn't mean they’re destined to be together until the end of time. In the end, nobody is. But we are all destined, like Buffy and Spike, to live, and love, and add our names to the list of people that affirm that life, and love, are worth it.