Peonies Were Jared’s Favourite
Title: Peonies Were Jared’s Favourite
Pairings: Jensen/Jared, Danneel/Chris, Misha/Jared (brief)
Rating: R
Medium: Fic
Word Count: 4470
Summary: Jensen hadn't seen it coming.
Warnings: This is INFIDELITY fic, focusing on how it is dealt with.
A/N: Written for big_heart_june, what can I say, she's a constant source of inspiration. And deserves ALL the stories. Inspired by the Rogue magazine photoshoot from last year. Sorry it took so long, BB!! I hope you like it! ♥♥
Jensen hadn’t seen it coming.
He’d completely forgotten all about their anniversary. Work had just been so crazy busy of late that he’d let everything else fall by the wayside. Including Jared. He also forgot that he’d booked the day off, until Samantha had asked what he was doing there. He was supposed to have made a reservation at their favourite restaurant too. And a whole bunch of other stuff. He’d wanted to surprise his husband. Do something special.
He’d never actually ran out of his work before, and he’d almost bulldozed about half a dozen people on his way to the parking garage.
He tore out of there like a bat out of hell, stopping to pick up some champagne and flowers. Pink roses. Peonies were Jared’s favourite. But they only had regular roses. Of course. And he hit the lunch time traffic when he got back on the road. Perfect. He’d drummed his fingers against the steering wheel, closing his eyes and he’d taken a breath. He was already in the dog house. It wouldn’t do to bring a pissy mood to the situation.
When he pulled into their driveway he sighed, relieved that Jared’s car was still there. Jared worked from home, but sometimes he’d go out for lunch. Or for a run. Jensen had bitten his lip, and rubbed his thighs as he nodded his head. Psyching himself up.
“Jay,” he called out as he went through the front door. Taking a quick glance into the kitchen on his way to Jared’s studio. But Jared wasn’t in either. He’d smiled at Jared’s wall of sketches, most of them were old, Jared’s newer stuff was mostly digital, or scattered on his desk. The ones on the wall were mostly of Jensen’s facial features. Jensen had shaken his head and headed upstairs. He was only a few feet away from their bedroom door when he heard a soft grunting.
“Jared-”
The door swung open when he pushed, the champagne bottle hitting the carpet with a thud. Jensen looked down at the roses. His eyes drawn back to the bed at Jared’s, “Shit. Fuck. Get off me.”
Their eyes locking when whoever the fuck was between Jared’s legs started to move.
“Misha?”
And Misha was scrabbling across the bed. Jared still just lying there. Misha had just gotten his boxers up when Jensen slammed him into the wall with the heel of his palm into his shoulder, “Get the fuck out of my house.”
“My clothes-”
Jensen swept them up and shoved them into Misha’s chest, getting his hand in behind him to push him back away from the wall and crowding in behind him to usher him out of the room. And all the way to the stairs, which Misha half stumbled down, grasping onto the railing for dear life, and falling onto his side when he got to the bottom.
Jared had yelled Jensen’s name but Jensen wasn’t giving a fuck. He was half tempted to kick Misha if he didn’t get up within the next few seconds, but he did get up, and Jensen got ahead of him to wrench open the door. The urge to trip Misha up was strong. But he kept his feet firmly planted ‘til the fucker was outside. And then he followed suit. Jared’s dull footsteps falling behind him.
"Jensen, wait, please. Don’t leave. Fuck. I'm sorry."
Jensen had paused for a moment, but he didn’t turn around. He didn’t even want to look at him. He got back into his car and just drove off.
He was about halfway to his parents’ house before he realised where he was heading and he pulled over, only just getting the door open in time and he threw up. His breathing harsh as the emotion crept up from his chest, but he shook his head, dragging the back of his hand across his mouth.
“FUCK!”
He slammed his hands down against the steering wheel. Tears welling in his eyes but he was willing them not to fall. He pushed his hands back through his hair, closing his eyes, a single tear tracking down his cheek, despite his efforts, and he dragged his hand down his face. Thumb wiping it away. But that was it. The dam had broken. And the rest came flooding when his phone started buzzing in his pocket. Jared’s ringtone. It made him feel like he might be sick again.
He had to push down with his feet, lifting his ass from the seat to get the damn thing out of his pocket. And he switched it off, tossing it into the backseat.
Jensen didn’t know what to do. But he knew he didn’t want to talk to Jared. Not right now. And not over the fucking phone. He wanted to go home. All his stuff was there. But he couldn’t face him. And he didn’t exactly want to go to his parents either. He didn’t want them to know. He covered his face with his hands, until he felt like he couldn’t breathe, and he slid them down, so that only his fingers still covered his mouth.
The whole tableau rematerializing in his mind’s eye. The flex of muscle in Misha’s ass. Jared’s splayed legs, one bent up over Misha’s shoulder. Jared’s head thrown to the side. The grunts and moans. The slap of their flesh.
Jensen dry heaved. How could Jared. His Jared. Have done this to him? And with Misha? Jensen had known that Misha had always been enamoured with Jared, ever since their art school days, back before Jensen and Jared had ever met. But Jared had never been interested in Misha that way. And Misha was their friend. Jensen’s too. He’d been Jared’s best man at their wedding for fuck sake.
Jensen swallowed around a rather strangled sob and he sniffed as he got out of the car, making sure to step over his vomit, and he opened the back door to get his phone back. The door slammed shut and he leaned back against it as he waited for his phone to power on.
Tapping the contacts icon as soon as he had the screen unlocked and he didn’t have to scroll far before he hit call.
“Danni, hey,” and he took a somewhat shaky breath, trying to dispel the emotion on the exhale, “is it okay if I come over?”
“What’s wrong?”
He huffed a little. He never could hide anything from her. But before he could say anything she said, “Okay. Fine. You can come over. But you’re telling me as soon as you’re in the door, mister.”
“Thanks.”
He hung up. Thumb brushing over the screen. And his eyes fell on the little voicemail notification icon at the top of it.
He switched the phone back off.
---
Jensen had pulled it together enough to drive to his best friend’s house. But he broke down again the second he stepped into her arms -she’d had the door open before he even got out of his car- the thought of having to say the words out loud was too much. But he did say them.
Jared cheated on me.
“Oh, Jensen.”
She’d squeezed him tight, and they stayed that way in the doorway for a moment or two, until there was a not so happy little gurgle from the other room.
“Someone wants attention,” Danneel said in her mommy voice as she let go of Jensen, giving his hand a squeeze, “You mind getting the door?”
Jensen pulled it towards himself and then pushed it shut and followed Danneel into the living room, watching as Danneel picked up her baby girl, “Who’s my lil’ munchkin,” she said, mommy voice back in play, as she rubbed their noses together and the little girl giggled. And then Danneel was holding her out to Jensen, “Why don’t you take her, and I’ll go make us some tea.”
He really would have rather had coffee, but he knew she was breast feeding, so she wouldn’t want to over-caffeinate. And he could probably do without increasing his tension. He took the baby from Danneel, making sure to support her little head. She really was so beautiful. Just like her mommy. And that was how he ended up lying on Danneel’s couch, holding a two month old to his chest. Danneel took a picture of them, and Jensen grumbled, but quietly, he didn’t want to wake the baby.
Very delicately Danneel managed to extricate her from Jensen’s arms and she went to put her down. Jensen reluctantly forced himself up and he grabbed the two cups of whatever fruity infusion from the kitchen. The two of them re-entering the living room at the same time and they sat down on the couch together.
“You want to talk about it?” she asked and Jensen dropped his head, staring blankly down at the cup in his hands, it was still too hot to take a sip just yet, “What happened?” she prodded.
Jensen sighed, shaking his head as he looked back up into her face, “I found them in our bed. Misha and Jared. I can’t-” he shook his head again.
“Jesus, Jensen. What did Jared say?”
“Get off me. Maybe some expletives. My name. Fucking said I’m sorry like he didn’t just have Misha’s dick in his ass.”
Danneel flinched a little a that, closing her eyes for a second, “So you didn’t talk to him then?”
“Talk to him? I couldn’t fucking look at him, Danni,” Jensen sucked his lip into his mouth, letting his teeth sink into it as he released it, and he shrugged, “How could he do this to me?”
“I don’t know, Jen. But you’re not gonna find out unless you talk to him,” Jensen sighed, and Danneel hastened to go on, “But that doesn’t have to be today. If you wanna crash, I have a perfectly good guest room. Chris won’t mind. As long as you don’t mind the baby-shaped alarm that can go off at any minute.”
“Thanks, Danni.”
“No problem.”
They drank their tea and ended up having a nap on the couch. The baby-shaped alarm reaching them through the baby monitor sometime later in the afternoon, and Danneel got up, placing a kiss to the side of his face, “You don’t have to get up if you don’t want.”
“No, I should-. I could make us something to eat?”
“Well, Chris should be home soon, so if you wanted to get a start on dinner? I left the recipe out on the counter,” she said as she made her way to the stairs.
“I can do that.”
“Thanks, Jensen.”
And Danneel must have warned her husband about what he was walking into, because Chris didn’t say anything about it, didn’t even ask why Jensen was there. Or why Jensen was wearing Chris’s sweats. The pants were a little short on Jensen, but he didn’t care, he’d needed to get out of his suit. Jensen ran his thumbs along the bottom hem of the t-shirt, and he pushed back in the rocking chair. He was in the baby’s room. He hadn’t been able to get to sleep, so he figured he might as well give Danneel and Chris a night off. Though if she got hungry, he guessed he’d have to go wake Danneel anyway. But he’d changed her diaper about a half hour ago. Rocked her back to sleep.
He’d been hoping to have a more serious discussion about kids with Jared. He’d thought they were ready. But now?
“Jensen?” Danneel yawned, “What are you doing in here?”
“Couldn’t sleep. Why are you up?”
“I dunno. I thought I heard-,” she shrugged as she looked down at her daughter, “And then I couldn’t hear anything on the baby monitor. So I came to check,” she picked it up, frowning at the red blinky light that wasn’t blinking.
“Switched it off. Sorry.”
She set the monitor back down and came over to him, placing her hand on his forehead and then pushed it back through his hair, he leaned into the touch, his eyes falling closed, “How long’s it been since you last slept in a bed all by yourself?”
Jensen huffed, “God, I can hardly remember,” and he rubbed at his eyes, a welling of tears making them sting a little, and he let his face drop into his hand, “Fuck.”
He hated the part of himself that couldn’t sleep without Jared so much right now. They’d been sharing a bed for a little over a decade.
“You want me to make you some hot cocoa?”
Jensen shook his head, “You mind if I just stay in here?”
“Okay. But at least let me get you a blanket. And get that monitor back on.”
“Yes, ma’am,” he said as he got up to do just that, and he was still on his feet when she came back, handing him the blanket.
“At least try and get some rest?”
Jensen nodded his head, “I will,” and she shook hers, stretching up on tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek.
“Night, Jensen.”
“Night,” he said with a half flash of a smile, waiting until she was gone before resettling into the chair. It was comfy enough. And he dozed in and out of sleep as he kept watch, blanket pulled around him.
When he woke up in the morning the crib was empty. And he got up with a stretch, arms above his head, going to the bathroom before he ventured downstairs to find the family of three snuggled up on their couch.
“Hey you,” Danneel said bright and cheerful, baby cradled in her arms, she was nursing, “Chris made coffee if you want it.”
“Thanks.”
Chris got up, following Jensen into the kitchen, and he got him a mug, “So, what are your plans for the day?”
His plans? Jensen’s brow furrowed, “If you want me to go-”
Chris held up his hands, “Really not where I was going, man. I just, if you’re not ready to go over there, I could swing by, pick up some things for you.”
“You really don’t have to-”
“Hey, man. Danni would go. But I don’t think she’s quite ready to handle Jared yet either. And she was a pretty mean momma bear even before all the pregnancy hormones.”
Jensen huffed with the barest hint of a laugh, “That she was.”
So Chris went and got Jensen some of his things. Without incident as far as Jensen knew. Chris didn’t say anything and Jensen didn’t ask. And Jensen stayed with them for a good week and a half before he really had to go home.
It wasn’t that he couldn’t have stayed, Danneel and Chris seemed like they’d be happy to have him indefinitely, or for the interim anyway. But Jensen felt like he’d stayed well past his welcome. It was unfair of him to put them in such an imposition.
And fuck it. It was his house. He was the one who made the down payment. And the mortgage was in his name.
It was time to talk.
---
When Jensen got to the house, their house, he pulled in next to Jared’s car. Cut the engine. And then he just sat. Driving to the house and actually going in were two different things. Should he just walk in? Or should he knock or ring the bell? And he really couldn’t help but think of what he was going to find when he did. Was Misha going to be there? He felt that unsettlingly familiar clench in his gut again. He clutched his chest, closing his eyes to take some deep breaths. He wasn’t going to allow himself to throw up.
He pushed his hand back through his hair as he exhaled rather heavily and he got out of the car.
He’d made a fist to knock when he got to the door, but he hesitated. Splaying his fingers as he pressed his hands flat against the surface. God it felt so stupid. This was a mistake. He’d half convinced himself that he should just go back to Chris and Danneel when the door started moving from beneath his hands and Jensen pushed himself back, stood up straight, as Jared opened it.
“Jensen. Please, come inside.”
Jensen chewed his lip a little, bringing his arms up over his chest, his gaze automatically dropping from Jared’s face. Shit. He wasn’t ready for this. Why had he thought he was ready for this?
“Is he here?” Fuck. He hadn’t meant to ask that.
“Who?”
Jensen’s eyes snapped to Jared’s face, if Jared thought he was going to utter that name-.
“Fuck. No. Of course not. If you think that I’d-”
“If I think that you’d what? Cheat on me? Oh, wait, you already did.”
Jared took a very sharp and then shaky breath, “Jensen,” his voice strained, “Please. Just, come inside and we can talk about this.”
“Just tell me why.”
“If you come inside.”
“Fine.” Jensen said curtly and Jared stepped out of his way fast as Jensen walked into the house, chin held high. His eyes scanning the living room, everything seemed to be as it had been before he left, though there was a blanket -the one they used when either of them was sick- crumpled up on the couch. Had Jared been sleeping there? Even though he didn’t really want to, he needed to know if Misha was likely to barge in at any moment, “So where is-”
“Don’t know. Haven’t seen or spoken to him since-”
“Since-?”
“Not since you threw him out of here. Actually, that’s not completely true. He came back for his shoes. Made him wait on the doorstep and I slammed the door in his face after I gave them to him.”
“You expect me to believe that?”
“It’s the truth.”
Jensen snorted.
“Shit, Jensen. I’m not-. I made a mistake. One mistake. Once. And don’t,” Jared held up a finger as Jensen had opened his mouth to protest, “I know how major of a fuck-up it is. Don’t think I haven’t agonized over how monumentally I fucked this up. But I swear to you, it only happened that once. And I didn’t mean for it to happen.”
“What do you mean, you didn’t mean-”
“I mean I didn’t wake up that morning and think today’s the day. It just happened.”
“It just happened? Like-?”
“You want to know why, Jensen? Do you even realise that this is the first time we’ve talked this much, to each other, in,” Jared gave the barest shrug of his shoulders as he shook his head, “ever?”
“What are you talking about, I know I’ve been busy the last few weeks-”
“No. Not weeks. Jensen. Months. You checked out of this relationship months ago-”
“I didn’t check-”
“Okay. When was the last time we had a proper conversation? Do you even remember? Or the last time you asked me about my day? Or how about the last time we just sat together without you being on your phone the entire time?”
Jensen didn’t have the answer to any of those questions. He couldn’t remember. And he was struck with a sudden pang of guilt. Had it really been that long?
Jared adding more quietly, “Or how long it’s been since you touched me?”
That re-stirred the fire in Jensen’s belly, “That doesn’t make it alright. That doesn’t excuse-” Jensen took a breath, worrying his bottom lip, eyes hitting the ceiling as he shook his head almost imperceptibly, “What you did-” and he let his gaze fall back to Jared’s eyes, “In our bed-”
“I know,” Jared said a little too quickly and he swallowed the weight of it, and with a slow shake of his head repeated more solemnly, “I know. But, Jensen. I am sorry, and I wish I could take it back-”
“What happened? I mean how did-, I don’t want-” he didn’t need to hear the details of the actual deed. But he needed to know why.
“On the run up to our Anniversary, I might have been complaining to-” and Jared seemed to war with himself over whether to say the name or not, “To Misha, that you were going to forget about it-”
“Why didn’t you just tell me?”
“I don’t know.”
“If you’d reminded me-…” Jensen shrugged, “and I did remember-”
“Did you remember on your own?
“Well I-”
“Two months ago, you forgot your own birthday. I didn’t have high hopes for you remembering something that involved me.”
A new well of tears collected in Jensen’s eyes as Jared went on.
“Every night, you were coming home late. Sometimes not until I was already in bed. And when you did make it for dinner? You barely looked at me, didn’t put your phone down once. For all I knew, you were the one cheating.”
“I would never-. How can you-.”
“Jen-”
“You know what? Fuck you, Jared. You’re the one who cheated on me. And you’re just gonna stand there and accuse me?”
“I’m not-. I’m not accusing you. I’m just trying to explain what I was feeling. And I know it was stupid. And I know it’s not all on you. You’re right, it takes two to communicate, and I should have talked to you, but-…”
“But what?”
“I was scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“That you didn’t want me anymore. And part of me didn’t want to know. Because I didn’t want it to be true,” Jared huffed, “Of course, now-”
“You are stupid.”
“What?”
“You think I could just stop? That I could just turn it off? The way I feel about you. I-…” of course Jensen still loved Jared, that’s why it hurt so fucking much. But saying that aloud right now?
Jared made a sound like a wounded animal, half way between a sob and a wail, which he’d tried and failed to stifle back.
“Tell me,” Jensen all but whispered.
Jared gave a nod, and he swallowed, hard, a couple of times, “I didn’t ask him to come over. He just showed up. With a bottle of wine. But I was already drinking. He was just here as a friend. And we were talking. Well, I was mostly talking. But he was listening. And I needed someone to listen.”
Jensen watched Jared push his hands back through his hair, tears glistening in Jared’s eyes too, “Do you have any idea how many days there were where I didn’t physically speak a single word? Some days you’re my only point of human contact, Jensen. And you know that. But with the way things were going-.”
Jared shook his head, “I was lonely. And then I was drunk, and I know that’s not an excuse. But he was there. Comforting me. Hanging on my every word. And then he was kissing me and-. And I didn’t stop it. And it’s the worst thing I’ve ever done, Jensen.”
Jared’s bottom lip trembled, tears tracking down his cheeks, “I need you to forgive me.”
Jensen huffed, pushing his hand across his mouth, “I want to, Jared,” and he did want to, he wanted their life back. Their love. He shook his head with a shrug of his shoulders, “But I don’t think I’m there yet.”
Jared nodded, “Okay,” and he gave a weak half flash of a smile, the corner of his mouth twitching, unable to hold the expression for more than a second, “I can work with that.”
---
They had negotiated terms for their cohabitation and set up boundaries for themselves. Jensen was sleeping in the guest bedroom and Jared was sleeping in his studio; he had a sofa bed in there. The couch in the living room was comfier. But there was to be no sleeping in the common areas.
Jensen had gone into the master bedroom to get some clean pyjamas, and when he’d come downstairs, Jared had been cosied up on the couch, and Jensen burst into tears for no good reason at all. And he’d disturbed the not-quite-fully-asleep Jared with his choked off sobs.
“Jensen?” Jared had said with a note of caution and more than a little bit of confusion.
“I’m sorry. I can’t-”
Jared had gotten up and walked around the couch to stand in front of Jensen. And then he’d hesitated, Jared’s hands held up, paused between them as Jared just looked at him, before eventually deciding to actually touch him. Jensen had tensed up, closing his eyes and covering his face with his hands as Jared took hold of his arms.
He’d let his fingers curl down into his palms as Jared gave him a small squeeze, and he looked into Jared’s eyes.
“What is it?” Jared asked.
“I think I’d be more comfortable if we kept the living room as neutral space.”
They’d had another conversation then and Jared had said he understood.
They’d also agreed to have dinner together at least three nights during the week. And they had to talk. No cell phones allowed.
So far they’d managed dinner every night of the week. Jared had agreed to saying it was three, just to leave some wiggle room, both Jensen and Jared sometimes worked right through dinner. But Jensen really didn’t want to slip back into that pattern, especially not when it was something that was completely his choice.
A couple of nights they’d eaten in front of the tv together, which had felt a little easier, more normal. Took the pressure off, and they’d had a more relaxed conversation, even though it felt so bizarre to sit with so much space between them. Jared had made the suggestion that Jensen should be the one to decide how much or how little physical contact they should have, which Jensen had appreciated.
But he’d been unable to shake the weird feeling, it was so unnatural to not have Jared pressed right up against him. And maybe he wasn’t ready to have Jared so fully back in his personal bubble, but, Jensen cleared his throat, “Do, uh, you think that maybe we could just hold hands?”
Jared had smiled as he turned his head, “Of course we can,” and he’d proffered his hand, palm up, and Jensen had returned the smile as he clasped their hands together, and then they’d turned their attention back to the screen. Jensen had closed his eyes for a moment, his chest feeling lighter as he gave Jared’s hand a squeeze. He could do this.
They could do this.
Together.
Pairings: Jensen/Jared, Danneel/Chris, Misha/Jared (brief)
Rating: R
Medium: Fic
Word Count: 4470
Summary: Jensen hadn't seen it coming.
Warnings: This is INFIDELITY fic, focusing on how it is dealt with.
A/N: Written for big_heart_june, what can I say, she's a constant source of inspiration. And deserves ALL the stories. Inspired by the Rogue magazine photoshoot from last year. Sorry it took so long, BB!! I hope you like it! ♥♥
Jensen hadn’t seen it coming.
He’d completely forgotten all about their anniversary. Work had just been so crazy busy of late that he’d let everything else fall by the wayside. Including Jared. He also forgot that he’d booked the day off, until Samantha had asked what he was doing there. He was supposed to have made a reservation at their favourite restaurant too. And a whole bunch of other stuff. He’d wanted to surprise his husband. Do something special.
He’d never actually ran out of his work before, and he’d almost bulldozed about half a dozen people on his way to the parking garage.
He tore out of there like a bat out of hell, stopping to pick up some champagne and flowers. Pink roses. Peonies were Jared’s favourite. But they only had regular roses. Of course. And he hit the lunch time traffic when he got back on the road. Perfect. He’d drummed his fingers against the steering wheel, closing his eyes and he’d taken a breath. He was already in the dog house. It wouldn’t do to bring a pissy mood to the situation.
When he pulled into their driveway he sighed, relieved that Jared’s car was still there. Jared worked from home, but sometimes he’d go out for lunch. Or for a run. Jensen had bitten his lip, and rubbed his thighs as he nodded his head. Psyching himself up.
“Jay,” he called out as he went through the front door. Taking a quick glance into the kitchen on his way to Jared’s studio. But Jared wasn’t in either. He’d smiled at Jared’s wall of sketches, most of them were old, Jared’s newer stuff was mostly digital, or scattered on his desk. The ones on the wall were mostly of Jensen’s facial features. Jensen had shaken his head and headed upstairs. He was only a few feet away from their bedroom door when he heard a soft grunting.
“Jared-”
The door swung open when he pushed, the champagne bottle hitting the carpet with a thud. Jensen looked down at the roses. His eyes drawn back to the bed at Jared’s, “Shit. Fuck. Get off me.”
Their eyes locking when whoever the fuck was between Jared’s legs started to move.
“Misha?”
And Misha was scrabbling across the bed. Jared still just lying there. Misha had just gotten his boxers up when Jensen slammed him into the wall with the heel of his palm into his shoulder, “Get the fuck out of my house.”
“My clothes-”
Jensen swept them up and shoved them into Misha’s chest, getting his hand in behind him to push him back away from the wall and crowding in behind him to usher him out of the room. And all the way to the stairs, which Misha half stumbled down, grasping onto the railing for dear life, and falling onto his side when he got to the bottom.
Jared had yelled Jensen’s name but Jensen wasn’t giving a fuck. He was half tempted to kick Misha if he didn’t get up within the next few seconds, but he did get up, and Jensen got ahead of him to wrench open the door. The urge to trip Misha up was strong. But he kept his feet firmly planted ‘til the fucker was outside. And then he followed suit. Jared’s dull footsteps falling behind him.
"Jensen, wait, please. Don’t leave. Fuck. I'm sorry."
Jensen had paused for a moment, but he didn’t turn around. He didn’t even want to look at him. He got back into his car and just drove off.
He was about halfway to his parents’ house before he realised where he was heading and he pulled over, only just getting the door open in time and he threw up. His breathing harsh as the emotion crept up from his chest, but he shook his head, dragging the back of his hand across his mouth.
“FUCK!”
He slammed his hands down against the steering wheel. Tears welling in his eyes but he was willing them not to fall. He pushed his hands back through his hair, closing his eyes, a single tear tracking down his cheek, despite his efforts, and he dragged his hand down his face. Thumb wiping it away. But that was it. The dam had broken. And the rest came flooding when his phone started buzzing in his pocket. Jared’s ringtone. It made him feel like he might be sick again.
He had to push down with his feet, lifting his ass from the seat to get the damn thing out of his pocket. And he switched it off, tossing it into the backseat.
Jensen didn’t know what to do. But he knew he didn’t want to talk to Jared. Not right now. And not over the fucking phone. He wanted to go home. All his stuff was there. But he couldn’t face him. And he didn’t exactly want to go to his parents either. He didn’t want them to know. He covered his face with his hands, until he felt like he couldn’t breathe, and he slid them down, so that only his fingers still covered his mouth.
The whole tableau rematerializing in his mind’s eye. The flex of muscle in Misha’s ass. Jared’s splayed legs, one bent up over Misha’s shoulder. Jared’s head thrown to the side. The grunts and moans. The slap of their flesh.
Jensen dry heaved. How could Jared. His Jared. Have done this to him? And with Misha? Jensen had known that Misha had always been enamoured with Jared, ever since their art school days, back before Jensen and Jared had ever met. But Jared had never been interested in Misha that way. And Misha was their friend. Jensen’s too. He’d been Jared’s best man at their wedding for fuck sake.
Jensen swallowed around a rather strangled sob and he sniffed as he got out of the car, making sure to step over his vomit, and he opened the back door to get his phone back. The door slammed shut and he leaned back against it as he waited for his phone to power on.
Tapping the contacts icon as soon as he had the screen unlocked and he didn’t have to scroll far before he hit call.
“Danni, hey,” and he took a somewhat shaky breath, trying to dispel the emotion on the exhale, “is it okay if I come over?”
“What’s wrong?”
He huffed a little. He never could hide anything from her. But before he could say anything she said, “Okay. Fine. You can come over. But you’re telling me as soon as you’re in the door, mister.”
“Thanks.”
He hung up. Thumb brushing over the screen. And his eyes fell on the little voicemail notification icon at the top of it.
He switched the phone back off.
---
Jensen had pulled it together enough to drive to his best friend’s house. But he broke down again the second he stepped into her arms -she’d had the door open before he even got out of his car- the thought of having to say the words out loud was too much. But he did say them.
Jared cheated on me.
“Oh, Jensen.”
She’d squeezed him tight, and they stayed that way in the doorway for a moment or two, until there was a not so happy little gurgle from the other room.
“Someone wants attention,” Danneel said in her mommy voice as she let go of Jensen, giving his hand a squeeze, “You mind getting the door?”
Jensen pulled it towards himself and then pushed it shut and followed Danneel into the living room, watching as Danneel picked up her baby girl, “Who’s my lil’ munchkin,” she said, mommy voice back in play, as she rubbed their noses together and the little girl giggled. And then Danneel was holding her out to Jensen, “Why don’t you take her, and I’ll go make us some tea.”
He really would have rather had coffee, but he knew she was breast feeding, so she wouldn’t want to over-caffeinate. And he could probably do without increasing his tension. He took the baby from Danneel, making sure to support her little head. She really was so beautiful. Just like her mommy. And that was how he ended up lying on Danneel’s couch, holding a two month old to his chest. Danneel took a picture of them, and Jensen grumbled, but quietly, he didn’t want to wake the baby.
Very delicately Danneel managed to extricate her from Jensen’s arms and she went to put her down. Jensen reluctantly forced himself up and he grabbed the two cups of whatever fruity infusion from the kitchen. The two of them re-entering the living room at the same time and they sat down on the couch together.
“You want to talk about it?” she asked and Jensen dropped his head, staring blankly down at the cup in his hands, it was still too hot to take a sip just yet, “What happened?” she prodded.
Jensen sighed, shaking his head as he looked back up into her face, “I found them in our bed. Misha and Jared. I can’t-” he shook his head again.
“Jesus, Jensen. What did Jared say?”
“Get off me. Maybe some expletives. My name. Fucking said I’m sorry like he didn’t just have Misha’s dick in his ass.”
Danneel flinched a little a that, closing her eyes for a second, “So you didn’t talk to him then?”
“Talk to him? I couldn’t fucking look at him, Danni,” Jensen sucked his lip into his mouth, letting his teeth sink into it as he released it, and he shrugged, “How could he do this to me?”
“I don’t know, Jen. But you’re not gonna find out unless you talk to him,” Jensen sighed, and Danneel hastened to go on, “But that doesn’t have to be today. If you wanna crash, I have a perfectly good guest room. Chris won’t mind. As long as you don’t mind the baby-shaped alarm that can go off at any minute.”
“Thanks, Danni.”
“No problem.”
They drank their tea and ended up having a nap on the couch. The baby-shaped alarm reaching them through the baby monitor sometime later in the afternoon, and Danneel got up, placing a kiss to the side of his face, “You don’t have to get up if you don’t want.”
“No, I should-. I could make us something to eat?”
“Well, Chris should be home soon, so if you wanted to get a start on dinner? I left the recipe out on the counter,” she said as she made her way to the stairs.
“I can do that.”
“Thanks, Jensen.”
And Danneel must have warned her husband about what he was walking into, because Chris didn’t say anything about it, didn’t even ask why Jensen was there. Or why Jensen was wearing Chris’s sweats. The pants were a little short on Jensen, but he didn’t care, he’d needed to get out of his suit. Jensen ran his thumbs along the bottom hem of the t-shirt, and he pushed back in the rocking chair. He was in the baby’s room. He hadn’t been able to get to sleep, so he figured he might as well give Danneel and Chris a night off. Though if she got hungry, he guessed he’d have to go wake Danneel anyway. But he’d changed her diaper about a half hour ago. Rocked her back to sleep.
He’d been hoping to have a more serious discussion about kids with Jared. He’d thought they were ready. But now?
“Jensen?” Danneel yawned, “What are you doing in here?”
“Couldn’t sleep. Why are you up?”
“I dunno. I thought I heard-,” she shrugged as she looked down at her daughter, “And then I couldn’t hear anything on the baby monitor. So I came to check,” she picked it up, frowning at the red blinky light that wasn’t blinking.
“Switched it off. Sorry.”
She set the monitor back down and came over to him, placing her hand on his forehead and then pushed it back through his hair, he leaned into the touch, his eyes falling closed, “How long’s it been since you last slept in a bed all by yourself?”
Jensen huffed, “God, I can hardly remember,” and he rubbed at his eyes, a welling of tears making them sting a little, and he let his face drop into his hand, “Fuck.”
He hated the part of himself that couldn’t sleep without Jared so much right now. They’d been sharing a bed for a little over a decade.
“You want me to make you some hot cocoa?”
Jensen shook his head, “You mind if I just stay in here?”
“Okay. But at least let me get you a blanket. And get that monitor back on.”
“Yes, ma’am,” he said as he got up to do just that, and he was still on his feet when she came back, handing him the blanket.
“At least try and get some rest?”
Jensen nodded his head, “I will,” and she shook hers, stretching up on tiptoes to kiss him on the cheek.
“Night, Jensen.”
“Night,” he said with a half flash of a smile, waiting until she was gone before resettling into the chair. It was comfy enough. And he dozed in and out of sleep as he kept watch, blanket pulled around him.
When he woke up in the morning the crib was empty. And he got up with a stretch, arms above his head, going to the bathroom before he ventured downstairs to find the family of three snuggled up on their couch.
“Hey you,” Danneel said bright and cheerful, baby cradled in her arms, she was nursing, “Chris made coffee if you want it.”
“Thanks.”
Chris got up, following Jensen into the kitchen, and he got him a mug, “So, what are your plans for the day?”
His plans? Jensen’s brow furrowed, “If you want me to go-”
Chris held up his hands, “Really not where I was going, man. I just, if you’re not ready to go over there, I could swing by, pick up some things for you.”
“You really don’t have to-”
“Hey, man. Danni would go. But I don’t think she’s quite ready to handle Jared yet either. And she was a pretty mean momma bear even before all the pregnancy hormones.”
Jensen huffed with the barest hint of a laugh, “That she was.”
So Chris went and got Jensen some of his things. Without incident as far as Jensen knew. Chris didn’t say anything and Jensen didn’t ask. And Jensen stayed with them for a good week and a half before he really had to go home.
It wasn’t that he couldn’t have stayed, Danneel and Chris seemed like they’d be happy to have him indefinitely, or for the interim anyway. But Jensen felt like he’d stayed well past his welcome. It was unfair of him to put them in such an imposition.
And fuck it. It was his house. He was the one who made the down payment. And the mortgage was in his name.
It was time to talk.
---
When Jensen got to the house, their house, he pulled in next to Jared’s car. Cut the engine. And then he just sat. Driving to the house and actually going in were two different things. Should he just walk in? Or should he knock or ring the bell? And he really couldn’t help but think of what he was going to find when he did. Was Misha going to be there? He felt that unsettlingly familiar clench in his gut again. He clutched his chest, closing his eyes to take some deep breaths. He wasn’t going to allow himself to throw up.
He pushed his hand back through his hair as he exhaled rather heavily and he got out of the car.
He’d made a fist to knock when he got to the door, but he hesitated. Splaying his fingers as he pressed his hands flat against the surface. God it felt so stupid. This was a mistake. He’d half convinced himself that he should just go back to Chris and Danneel when the door started moving from beneath his hands and Jensen pushed himself back, stood up straight, as Jared opened it.
“Jensen. Please, come inside.”
Jensen chewed his lip a little, bringing his arms up over his chest, his gaze automatically dropping from Jared’s face. Shit. He wasn’t ready for this. Why had he thought he was ready for this?
“Is he here?” Fuck. He hadn’t meant to ask that.
“Who?”
Jensen’s eyes snapped to Jared’s face, if Jared thought he was going to utter that name-.
“Fuck. No. Of course not. If you think that I’d-”
“If I think that you’d what? Cheat on me? Oh, wait, you already did.”
Jared took a very sharp and then shaky breath, “Jensen,” his voice strained, “Please. Just, come inside and we can talk about this.”
“Just tell me why.”
“If you come inside.”
“Fine.” Jensen said curtly and Jared stepped out of his way fast as Jensen walked into the house, chin held high. His eyes scanning the living room, everything seemed to be as it had been before he left, though there was a blanket -the one they used when either of them was sick- crumpled up on the couch. Had Jared been sleeping there? Even though he didn’t really want to, he needed to know if Misha was likely to barge in at any moment, “So where is-”
“Don’t know. Haven’t seen or spoken to him since-”
“Since-?”
“Not since you threw him out of here. Actually, that’s not completely true. He came back for his shoes. Made him wait on the doorstep and I slammed the door in his face after I gave them to him.”
“You expect me to believe that?”
“It’s the truth.”
Jensen snorted.
“Shit, Jensen. I’m not-. I made a mistake. One mistake. Once. And don’t,” Jared held up a finger as Jensen had opened his mouth to protest, “I know how major of a fuck-up it is. Don’t think I haven’t agonized over how monumentally I fucked this up. But I swear to you, it only happened that once. And I didn’t mean for it to happen.”
“What do you mean, you didn’t mean-”
“I mean I didn’t wake up that morning and think today’s the day. It just happened.”
“It just happened? Like-?”
“You want to know why, Jensen? Do you even realise that this is the first time we’ve talked this much, to each other, in,” Jared gave the barest shrug of his shoulders as he shook his head, “ever?”
“What are you talking about, I know I’ve been busy the last few weeks-”
“No. Not weeks. Jensen. Months. You checked out of this relationship months ago-”
“I didn’t check-”
“Okay. When was the last time we had a proper conversation? Do you even remember? Or the last time you asked me about my day? Or how about the last time we just sat together without you being on your phone the entire time?”
Jensen didn’t have the answer to any of those questions. He couldn’t remember. And he was struck with a sudden pang of guilt. Had it really been that long?
Jared adding more quietly, “Or how long it’s been since you touched me?”
That re-stirred the fire in Jensen’s belly, “That doesn’t make it alright. That doesn’t excuse-” Jensen took a breath, worrying his bottom lip, eyes hitting the ceiling as he shook his head almost imperceptibly, “What you did-” and he let his gaze fall back to Jared’s eyes, “In our bed-”
“I know,” Jared said a little too quickly and he swallowed the weight of it, and with a slow shake of his head repeated more solemnly, “I know. But, Jensen. I am sorry, and I wish I could take it back-”
“What happened? I mean how did-, I don’t want-” he didn’t need to hear the details of the actual deed. But he needed to know why.
“On the run up to our Anniversary, I might have been complaining to-” and Jared seemed to war with himself over whether to say the name or not, “To Misha, that you were going to forget about it-”
“Why didn’t you just tell me?”
“I don’t know.”
“If you’d reminded me-…” Jensen shrugged, “and I did remember-”
“Did you remember on your own?
“Well I-”
“Two months ago, you forgot your own birthday. I didn’t have high hopes for you remembering something that involved me.”
A new well of tears collected in Jensen’s eyes as Jared went on.
“Every night, you were coming home late. Sometimes not until I was already in bed. And when you did make it for dinner? You barely looked at me, didn’t put your phone down once. For all I knew, you were the one cheating.”
“I would never-. How can you-.”
“Jen-”
“You know what? Fuck you, Jared. You’re the one who cheated on me. And you’re just gonna stand there and accuse me?”
“I’m not-. I’m not accusing you. I’m just trying to explain what I was feeling. And I know it was stupid. And I know it’s not all on you. You’re right, it takes two to communicate, and I should have talked to you, but-…”
“But what?”
“I was scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“That you didn’t want me anymore. And part of me didn’t want to know. Because I didn’t want it to be true,” Jared huffed, “Of course, now-”
“You are stupid.”
“What?”
“You think I could just stop? That I could just turn it off? The way I feel about you. I-…” of course Jensen still loved Jared, that’s why it hurt so fucking much. But saying that aloud right now?
Jared made a sound like a wounded animal, half way between a sob and a wail, which he’d tried and failed to stifle back.
“Tell me,” Jensen all but whispered.
Jared gave a nod, and he swallowed, hard, a couple of times, “I didn’t ask him to come over. He just showed up. With a bottle of wine. But I was already drinking. He was just here as a friend. And we were talking. Well, I was mostly talking. But he was listening. And I needed someone to listen.”
Jensen watched Jared push his hands back through his hair, tears glistening in Jared’s eyes too, “Do you have any idea how many days there were where I didn’t physically speak a single word? Some days you’re my only point of human contact, Jensen. And you know that. But with the way things were going-.”
Jared shook his head, “I was lonely. And then I was drunk, and I know that’s not an excuse. But he was there. Comforting me. Hanging on my every word. And then he was kissing me and-. And I didn’t stop it. And it’s the worst thing I’ve ever done, Jensen.”
Jared’s bottom lip trembled, tears tracking down his cheeks, “I need you to forgive me.”
Jensen huffed, pushing his hand across his mouth, “I want to, Jared,” and he did want to, he wanted their life back. Their love. He shook his head with a shrug of his shoulders, “But I don’t think I’m there yet.”
Jared nodded, “Okay,” and he gave a weak half flash of a smile, the corner of his mouth twitching, unable to hold the expression for more than a second, “I can work with that.”
---
They had negotiated terms for their cohabitation and set up boundaries for themselves. Jensen was sleeping in the guest bedroom and Jared was sleeping in his studio; he had a sofa bed in there. The couch in the living room was comfier. But there was to be no sleeping in the common areas.
Jensen had gone into the master bedroom to get some clean pyjamas, and when he’d come downstairs, Jared had been cosied up on the couch, and Jensen burst into tears for no good reason at all. And he’d disturbed the not-quite-fully-asleep Jared with his choked off sobs.
“Jensen?” Jared had said with a note of caution and more than a little bit of confusion.
“I’m sorry. I can’t-”
Jared had gotten up and walked around the couch to stand in front of Jensen. And then he’d hesitated, Jared’s hands held up, paused between them as Jared just looked at him, before eventually deciding to actually touch him. Jensen had tensed up, closing his eyes and covering his face with his hands as Jared took hold of his arms.
He’d let his fingers curl down into his palms as Jared gave him a small squeeze, and he looked into Jared’s eyes.
“What is it?” Jared asked.
“I think I’d be more comfortable if we kept the living room as neutral space.”
They’d had another conversation then and Jared had said he understood.
They’d also agreed to have dinner together at least three nights during the week. And they had to talk. No cell phones allowed.
So far they’d managed dinner every night of the week. Jared had agreed to saying it was three, just to leave some wiggle room, both Jensen and Jared sometimes worked right through dinner. But Jensen really didn’t want to slip back into that pattern, especially not when it was something that was completely his choice.
A couple of nights they’d eaten in front of the tv together, which had felt a little easier, more normal. Took the pressure off, and they’d had a more relaxed conversation, even though it felt so bizarre to sit with so much space between them. Jared had made the suggestion that Jensen should be the one to decide how much or how little physical contact they should have, which Jensen had appreciated.
But he’d been unable to shake the weird feeling, it was so unnatural to not have Jared pressed right up against him. And maybe he wasn’t ready to have Jared so fully back in his personal bubble, but, Jensen cleared his throat, “Do, uh, you think that maybe we could just hold hands?”
Jared had smiled as he turned his head, “Of course we can,” and he’d proffered his hand, palm up, and Jensen had returned the smile as he clasped their hands together, and then they’d turned their attention back to the screen. Jensen had closed his eyes for a moment, his chest feeling lighter as he gave Jared’s hand a squeeze. He could do this.
They could do this.
Together.