'The Next Step' [Callie Jacob/Cole]
Title: "The Next Step"
Author: that_1_incident
Fandom: "The Fosters"
Pairing: Callie Jacob/Cole.
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~2,200
Warnings: Basically the same trans-related angst seen in 1x14.
Summary: Written in a similar vein to A Single Step, which illustrates "missing" Callie/Cole scenes from episode 1x12, and A Step Back, which looks at the events of 1x13 from Cole's perspective. This fic depicts Callie's take on what happens in 1x14.
Disclaimer: These characters don't belong to me; I use them respectfully but without permission. Some elements taken from "The Fosters" 1x14, "Family Day."
Author's Notes: Cross-posted on AO3 and FF.net. I might be the only person who ships these two, but I think they'd be really cute together. Also, the actor who plays Cole is actually trans and super funny, so you should probably check out Tom Phelan on Twitter.
---<---<---@
Callie never exactly expected anyone at Girls United to have a backstory that was all rainbows and butterflies, but when Cole approaches her in the basement and tells her why he left home, she feels genuinely sad for him. She finds it weird how people can see some afflictions as legit but others as strange and wrong and even made up. Everyone at the Fosters' and at school treats Jesus as if his ADHD is no big deal, for example, while Cole's gender dysphoria (she thinks that's what he calls it) cost him his home and his family, even though he can't help being a boy any more than Jesus can help getting aggressive and overstimulated.
She remembers how, at her first group session, Cole had said he was at Girls United because of stealing and prostitution. He doesn't go into as much detail this time around, just tells her he did what he had to do to survive on the street and pay for the hormones he needed to help match his body with his brain. She tries to imagine feeling that desperate, and fails. When he asks to use her phone to get more hormones, she says yes.
--
When Callie, Kiara and Daphne return from Daphne's apartment to find an ambulance in the driveway of the group home, Callie knows. She just knows, and her heart sinks into her stomach as she sees Cole being wheeled out through the front door on a gurney. It was Becka who found him, Rita tells them, and it would be Becka - the girl whose best friend OD'd would be the one to find Cole out cold with syringes next to him. Callie feels like she's going to throw up.
--
The group session Callie has with the others - minus Cole - might be the worst one yet. She defends herself, saying it's not like she gave him the drugs, that he told her they were safe and she's not a narc, but nobody will let her get away with it, claiming that as his roommate, she was accountable for him and she let him down. The discussion can't end soon enough, and when it finally does, Callie slinks off to do homework in the living room, unable to bear sitting in the empty room she shares with Cole.
She senses Rita's presence before the woman rounds the corner, approaching slowly as if Callie's liable to bolt at any second - and perhaps she is.
"The girls were right about you, you know," Rita begins, sitting next to her on the couch. "You don't commit. And we nearly lost Cole."
"That's not fair."
"'Course it isn't. But that's how it works. And I know exactly what you're doing, Callie."
Rita talks about her past relationships, how she torpedoed good things in her life due to distrust and insecurity, and Callie tries hard to stare ahead stonily and feign disinterest even though her mind is racing. All she can think about is Brandon, how she finally found a foster home where people actually cared about her and instead of embracing that, she zeroed in on Brandon's obvious feelings for her and used those to screw things up for herself before something else came along and did that for her.
"I was so sure everything was going to be taken away from me that I took it away from myself," Rita continues, and Callie's stomach churns. "I don't really know why, Callie, but you do the exact same thing. Always with one foot out the door, never taking the time to really connect. You need to realize that if you keep making decisions like you've been making decisions, you're gonna ruin every good thing that comes your way."
Callie stands abruptly, gathering up the homework she'd barely been able to start because what happened to Cole had refused to leave her mind.
"I've gotta go study," she chokes out, fleeing the room hastily - but not quickly enough to avoid hearing Rita say "Of course you do" from behind her.
--
Callie's sitting on her bed trying to read a book (with about as much success as she'd had focusing on her homework earlier) when she hears footsteps on the stairs. A few moments later, Rita comes in, her arm around Cole, who's slumped against her with a bandage on his head.
"Slowly," Rita tells him. "I've got you. Callie, a little help with the bed?"
Callie springs up from hers to pull back Cole's comforter, and the boy eases down onto the pillows. She has no idea what to say to him.
"How are you feeling?" she asks lamely.
"Like I had a seizure and slammed my head into the sink."
Callie's not sure how to reply to that, but Rita fills the silence.
"Do you know what, Cole?" she asks, tilting his chin up with her hand and forcing him to look her in the eye. "You scared the crap out of me."
"I'm sorry," Cole murmurs, looking away.
"I'm just glad you're here now."
Rita's voice is heavy with tears, and Callie wants to be anywhere but here, with anyone but them. She feels like she's intruding on something immensely private.
Cole must be as uncomfortable as she is, because he breaks the moment by asking Rita for a drink. The older woman bustles out of the room, promising to be right back, and Callie sits gingerly on the edge of her bed.
"Are you OK?" she asks again.
It takes Cole a second to look at her, and when he does, he has this weird, stretched smirk on his face, like he's trying to smile but his muscles won't cooperate.
"I heard Rita calling my mom at the hospital, telling her where I was, what happened… I just really thought she would come."
For the second time in as many minutes, Callie doesn't know how to respond.
"I'm sorry," Cole says, waving his hands and looking away as if he's embarrassed to have confided in her. "I'm tired."
He turns away, curls into his pillow and hunches into an unhappy heap beneath the comforter. Callie stares at his back until she hears the stairs creaking under Rita's weight, then rushes to the door to intercept her.
"Cole's going to take a nap," she informs Rita, taking the glass. "But I'll bring this to him."
Rita hesitates for a second, then nods. "Tell him to call if he needs anything."
"Will do."
Callie heads back into the bedroom, shuts the door behind her and leans against it, unsure whether to hand Cole the glass directly or put it on the table next to his bed.
"Why are you hovering?" Cole mumbles without opening his eyes.
"I'm - do you want this now?" Callie holds up the water even though he can't see her.
"No, thanks."
"Um, you should probably stay hydrated."
Cole cracks open one eye. "Thank you, Dr. Jacob."
Callie sighs. "I guess I deserved that one." Haltingly, she approaches the bed. "Please just drink some?"
"If it'll get you off my back," Cole concedes grumpily, propping himself up. Their fingers brush as she gives him the glass, but she acts as if she doesn't notice.
"You're welcome." Her words have an edge to them, and she wishes she could take them back. "Sorry."
Cole shrugs halfheartedly.
"And not only about having an attitude with you just now." Callie takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry I wasn't accountable."
He frowns. "Huh?"
"The girls said in group that I should've been accountable for you, and I wasn't. But I should have been. So, I'm sorry."
Cole's quiet for a moment. "I would have figured out another way to get the hormones if you hadn't let me borrow your phone."
"I know."
"And it's not like you made me take them. I wanted to take them. It was my own dumb fault for not easing back up to my old dosage." He shakes his head, looking annoyed with himself. "I should have known this would happen."
Callie's still standing awkwardly beside him, and when he rocks back, looking off balance, her hand shoots out to steady him. "You OK?"
He smiles wanly at her, but at least it's genuine this time. "Guess it's too soon to be moving my head like that."
She sits down on the side of the bed. "Drink some more water."
He raises an eyebrow. "I'm fine. They stuck a thing in my arm at the hospital and emptied like a million liters into it. I'm plenty hydrated."
"Then give that to me so you can lie down."
The edges of Cole's mouth twitch into an almost-smile. "OK, Rita."
Callie snorts.
"I really want to roll my eyes at you right now, but that would probably make me dizzy again," Cole admits.
He's fully grinning now, and Callie's grinning back, and it feels like a weight's been lifted off her chest.
--
Cole closes his eyes soon after that, and Callie freezes in place, not sure if it's worse to move and risk waking him up or sit there watching him sleep. She's about to bid a hasty retreat to her side of the room when Cole mumbles, "Was Rita really pissed at you?"
"Huh?" The question catches Callie off guard. "I thought you were sleeping."
"Like my mom used to say, I'm just resting my eyes."
Cole's voice is tinged with sadness, and Callie's reminded of what he said earlier, about how his mother wouldn't visit her own kid in the hospital.
"So, was she? Pissed at you?"
"Ummm." Callie shifts a little on the bed. "Kind of, yeah."
"What did she say to you?"
Callie's quiet for a few seconds. "That whenever something good happens to me, I mess it up before someone else can."
Cole doesn't say anything, and she figures he's either waiting for her to continue or he stopped resting his eyes and actually fell asleep.
"And I guess she was right." Callie tries and fails to keep her tone devoid of emotion. "Like, after I moved in with Stef and Lena, it was all too perfect and I freaked out, you know?"
Cole's eyelashes flutter, and his blue eyes suddenly come into view. "So that's why you kissed Brandon?"
"No." She pauses. "Maybe. He really likes me."
"Do you like him?"
She laughs awkwardly. "Of course."
Cole does that weird smirk thing again. "OK. Just wondering."
If he'd pushed her about it, said Really? or I don't believe you, then she would've dug her heels in, maintained vehemently that she and Brandon were star-cross'd lovers and all that, but Cole's acceptance of what she told him actually has the opposite effect.
"I mean, I think I like him," she amends, as Cole listens silently. "I might just like the idea of him."
She feels weird admitting all this after everything Brandon's done for her, how sweet he's been and how much he's risked just so they can see each other.
"I think maybe you're holding onto him so tightly because you don't want to let yourself get comfortable here."
If Cole had told her that using any other tone than the one he used - matter-of-fact and totally non-accusatory - then Callie would've flipped, but it comes out calm, like a statement, and she can't help but hear the ring of truth in it.
"Maybe," she acknowledges.
"Look…" Cole takes a deep breath. "I know I already apologized about texting him and pretending to be you, but I really am sorry."
Callie shrugs. "It's cool. I nearly got you killed, so I think we're even."
"No, there's um. There's more. I was looking out for you, like I said, because nobody's allowed to have boyfriends in the house, but I also did it because I was jealous."
Callie shrugs again. "It's OK. I don't blame you. Everyone wants to find love, right?"
"No." Cole looks frustrated. "I was jealous of him."
Callie's utterly confused for a few seconds. She gets that Cole was jealous - he doesn't have to keep saying it, unless… oh.
"Because of... me?" she asks slowly, part of her wondering if she's ridiculously off-base and making a gigantic assumption.
"Because of the way you hugged him," Cole admits so quietly she can barely hear him. "I just wanted…" He trails off, then says more definitively, "I just wanted."
Callie honestly doesn't know what to say.
"Cole…" she begins.
Cole raises his hand weakly. "You don't have to say anything. I'm sorry I made this awkward."
"No, I…"
Callie puts her hand on top of Cole's, sandwiching his between her palm and the bedspread, then leans forward and presses their lips together.
Cole looks shell-shocked when she pulls back, his eyes bright, his lips still parted, and he doesn't taste like a girl, Callie notices vaguely - no lip gloss or flavored Chapstick, not that she expected it. She squeezes his hand and stands up.
"Get some rest, OK?"
Cole nods wordlessly, leaning dazedly back against the pillows as she crosses the room and shuts the door behind her.
--
The old wooden stairs creak as Callie descends to the kitchen, where the other girls and Rita are sitting around the table. She stands there until they look up, then takes the phone out of her pocket and places it in front of Rita.
"I know where I need to be now; I need to be here."
---<---<---@
Author: that_1_incident
Fandom: "The Fosters"
Pairing: Callie Jacob/Cole.
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~2,200
Warnings: Basically the same trans-related angst seen in 1x14.
Summary: Written in a similar vein to A Single Step, which illustrates "missing" Callie/Cole scenes from episode 1x12, and A Step Back, which looks at the events of 1x13 from Cole's perspective. This fic depicts Callie's take on what happens in 1x14.
Disclaimer: These characters don't belong to me; I use them respectfully but without permission. Some elements taken from "The Fosters" 1x14, "Family Day."
Author's Notes: Cross-posted on AO3 and FF.net. I might be the only person who ships these two, but I think they'd be really cute together. Also, the actor who plays Cole is actually trans and super funny, so you should probably check out Tom Phelan on Twitter.
---<---<---@
Callie never exactly expected anyone at Girls United to have a backstory that was all rainbows and butterflies, but when Cole approaches her in the basement and tells her why he left home, she feels genuinely sad for him. She finds it weird how people can see some afflictions as legit but others as strange and wrong and even made up. Everyone at the Fosters' and at school treats Jesus as if his ADHD is no big deal, for example, while Cole's gender dysphoria (she thinks that's what he calls it) cost him his home and his family, even though he can't help being a boy any more than Jesus can help getting aggressive and overstimulated.
She remembers how, at her first group session, Cole had said he was at Girls United because of stealing and prostitution. He doesn't go into as much detail this time around, just tells her he did what he had to do to survive on the street and pay for the hormones he needed to help match his body with his brain. She tries to imagine feeling that desperate, and fails. When he asks to use her phone to get more hormones, she says yes.
--
When Callie, Kiara and Daphne return from Daphne's apartment to find an ambulance in the driveway of the group home, Callie knows. She just knows, and her heart sinks into her stomach as she sees Cole being wheeled out through the front door on a gurney. It was Becka who found him, Rita tells them, and it would be Becka - the girl whose best friend OD'd would be the one to find Cole out cold with syringes next to him. Callie feels like she's going to throw up.
--
The group session Callie has with the others - minus Cole - might be the worst one yet. She defends herself, saying it's not like she gave him the drugs, that he told her they were safe and she's not a narc, but nobody will let her get away with it, claiming that as his roommate, she was accountable for him and she let him down. The discussion can't end soon enough, and when it finally does, Callie slinks off to do homework in the living room, unable to bear sitting in the empty room she shares with Cole.
She senses Rita's presence before the woman rounds the corner, approaching slowly as if Callie's liable to bolt at any second - and perhaps she is.
"The girls were right about you, you know," Rita begins, sitting next to her on the couch. "You don't commit. And we nearly lost Cole."
"That's not fair."
"'Course it isn't. But that's how it works. And I know exactly what you're doing, Callie."
Rita talks about her past relationships, how she torpedoed good things in her life due to distrust and insecurity, and Callie tries hard to stare ahead stonily and feign disinterest even though her mind is racing. All she can think about is Brandon, how she finally found a foster home where people actually cared about her and instead of embracing that, she zeroed in on Brandon's obvious feelings for her and used those to screw things up for herself before something else came along and did that for her.
"I was so sure everything was going to be taken away from me that I took it away from myself," Rita continues, and Callie's stomach churns. "I don't really know why, Callie, but you do the exact same thing. Always with one foot out the door, never taking the time to really connect. You need to realize that if you keep making decisions like you've been making decisions, you're gonna ruin every good thing that comes your way."
Callie stands abruptly, gathering up the homework she'd barely been able to start because what happened to Cole had refused to leave her mind.
"I've gotta go study," she chokes out, fleeing the room hastily - but not quickly enough to avoid hearing Rita say "Of course you do" from behind her.
--
Callie's sitting on her bed trying to read a book (with about as much success as she'd had focusing on her homework earlier) when she hears footsteps on the stairs. A few moments later, Rita comes in, her arm around Cole, who's slumped against her with a bandage on his head.
"Slowly," Rita tells him. "I've got you. Callie, a little help with the bed?"
Callie springs up from hers to pull back Cole's comforter, and the boy eases down onto the pillows. She has no idea what to say to him.
"How are you feeling?" she asks lamely.
"Like I had a seizure and slammed my head into the sink."
Callie's not sure how to reply to that, but Rita fills the silence.
"Do you know what, Cole?" she asks, tilting his chin up with her hand and forcing him to look her in the eye. "You scared the crap out of me."
"I'm sorry," Cole murmurs, looking away.
"I'm just glad you're here now."
Rita's voice is heavy with tears, and Callie wants to be anywhere but here, with anyone but them. She feels like she's intruding on something immensely private.
Cole must be as uncomfortable as she is, because he breaks the moment by asking Rita for a drink. The older woman bustles out of the room, promising to be right back, and Callie sits gingerly on the edge of her bed.
"Are you OK?" she asks again.
It takes Cole a second to look at her, and when he does, he has this weird, stretched smirk on his face, like he's trying to smile but his muscles won't cooperate.
"I heard Rita calling my mom at the hospital, telling her where I was, what happened… I just really thought she would come."
For the second time in as many minutes, Callie doesn't know how to respond.
"I'm sorry," Cole says, waving his hands and looking away as if he's embarrassed to have confided in her. "I'm tired."
He turns away, curls into his pillow and hunches into an unhappy heap beneath the comforter. Callie stares at his back until she hears the stairs creaking under Rita's weight, then rushes to the door to intercept her.
"Cole's going to take a nap," she informs Rita, taking the glass. "But I'll bring this to him."
Rita hesitates for a second, then nods. "Tell him to call if he needs anything."
"Will do."
Callie heads back into the bedroom, shuts the door behind her and leans against it, unsure whether to hand Cole the glass directly or put it on the table next to his bed.
"Why are you hovering?" Cole mumbles without opening his eyes.
"I'm - do you want this now?" Callie holds up the water even though he can't see her.
"No, thanks."
"Um, you should probably stay hydrated."
Cole cracks open one eye. "Thank you, Dr. Jacob."
Callie sighs. "I guess I deserved that one." Haltingly, she approaches the bed. "Please just drink some?"
"If it'll get you off my back," Cole concedes grumpily, propping himself up. Their fingers brush as she gives him the glass, but she acts as if she doesn't notice.
"You're welcome." Her words have an edge to them, and she wishes she could take them back. "Sorry."
Cole shrugs halfheartedly.
"And not only about having an attitude with you just now." Callie takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry I wasn't accountable."
He frowns. "Huh?"
"The girls said in group that I should've been accountable for you, and I wasn't. But I should have been. So, I'm sorry."
Cole's quiet for a moment. "I would have figured out another way to get the hormones if you hadn't let me borrow your phone."
"I know."
"And it's not like you made me take them. I wanted to take them. It was my own dumb fault for not easing back up to my old dosage." He shakes his head, looking annoyed with himself. "I should have known this would happen."
Callie's still standing awkwardly beside him, and when he rocks back, looking off balance, her hand shoots out to steady him. "You OK?"
He smiles wanly at her, but at least it's genuine this time. "Guess it's too soon to be moving my head like that."
She sits down on the side of the bed. "Drink some more water."
He raises an eyebrow. "I'm fine. They stuck a thing in my arm at the hospital and emptied like a million liters into it. I'm plenty hydrated."
"Then give that to me so you can lie down."
The edges of Cole's mouth twitch into an almost-smile. "OK, Rita."
Callie snorts.
"I really want to roll my eyes at you right now, but that would probably make me dizzy again," Cole admits.
He's fully grinning now, and Callie's grinning back, and it feels like a weight's been lifted off her chest.
--
Cole closes his eyes soon after that, and Callie freezes in place, not sure if it's worse to move and risk waking him up or sit there watching him sleep. She's about to bid a hasty retreat to her side of the room when Cole mumbles, "Was Rita really pissed at you?"
"Huh?" The question catches Callie off guard. "I thought you were sleeping."
"Like my mom used to say, I'm just resting my eyes."
Cole's voice is tinged with sadness, and Callie's reminded of what he said earlier, about how his mother wouldn't visit her own kid in the hospital.
"So, was she? Pissed at you?"
"Ummm." Callie shifts a little on the bed. "Kind of, yeah."
"What did she say to you?"
Callie's quiet for a few seconds. "That whenever something good happens to me, I mess it up before someone else can."
Cole doesn't say anything, and she figures he's either waiting for her to continue or he stopped resting his eyes and actually fell asleep.
"And I guess she was right." Callie tries and fails to keep her tone devoid of emotion. "Like, after I moved in with Stef and Lena, it was all too perfect and I freaked out, you know?"
Cole's eyelashes flutter, and his blue eyes suddenly come into view. "So that's why you kissed Brandon?"
"No." She pauses. "Maybe. He really likes me."
"Do you like him?"
She laughs awkwardly. "Of course."
Cole does that weird smirk thing again. "OK. Just wondering."
If he'd pushed her about it, said Really? or I don't believe you, then she would've dug her heels in, maintained vehemently that she and Brandon were star-cross'd lovers and all that, but Cole's acceptance of what she told him actually has the opposite effect.
"I mean, I think I like him," she amends, as Cole listens silently. "I might just like the idea of him."
She feels weird admitting all this after everything Brandon's done for her, how sweet he's been and how much he's risked just so they can see each other.
"I think maybe you're holding onto him so tightly because you don't want to let yourself get comfortable here."
If Cole had told her that using any other tone than the one he used - matter-of-fact and totally non-accusatory - then Callie would've flipped, but it comes out calm, like a statement, and she can't help but hear the ring of truth in it.
"Maybe," she acknowledges.
"Look…" Cole takes a deep breath. "I know I already apologized about texting him and pretending to be you, but I really am sorry."
Callie shrugs. "It's cool. I nearly got you killed, so I think we're even."
"No, there's um. There's more. I was looking out for you, like I said, because nobody's allowed to have boyfriends in the house, but I also did it because I was jealous."
Callie shrugs again. "It's OK. I don't blame you. Everyone wants to find love, right?"
"No." Cole looks frustrated. "I was jealous of him."
Callie's utterly confused for a few seconds. She gets that Cole was jealous - he doesn't have to keep saying it, unless… oh.
"Because of... me?" she asks slowly, part of her wondering if she's ridiculously off-base and making a gigantic assumption.
"Because of the way you hugged him," Cole admits so quietly she can barely hear him. "I just wanted…" He trails off, then says more definitively, "I just wanted."
Callie honestly doesn't know what to say.
"Cole…" she begins.
Cole raises his hand weakly. "You don't have to say anything. I'm sorry I made this awkward."
"No, I…"
Callie puts her hand on top of Cole's, sandwiching his between her palm and the bedspread, then leans forward and presses their lips together.
Cole looks shell-shocked when she pulls back, his eyes bright, his lips still parted, and he doesn't taste like a girl, Callie notices vaguely - no lip gloss or flavored Chapstick, not that she expected it. She squeezes his hand and stands up.
"Get some rest, OK?"
Cole nods wordlessly, leaning dazedly back against the pillows as she crosses the room and shuts the door behind her.
--
The old wooden stairs creak as Callie descends to the kitchen, where the other girls and Rita are sitting around the table. She stands there until they look up, then takes the phone out of her pocket and places it in front of Rita.
"I know where I need to be now; I need to be here."
---<---<---@