Fic: Malum In Se - Wrong In Itself
TITLE: Malum In Se - Wrong In Itself
SERIES: Imperfection Deviation - Off Balance
VERSE: Movie
PAIRING: Sideswipe/Scavenger
AUTHOR: Macx
RATING: PG-13
DISCLAIMER: None of the characters belong to me, sadly. They are owned by people with a lot more money :)
FEEDBACK: Loved
For odd_stick, who wanted the ‘first time’
Prior fics in the Off Balance series:
Wrong
Awkward
When the Spook came back from a recent patrol to dock at the Ark, Sideswipe felt tired and drained. He had been part of the crew aboard the Autobot ship, together with Prowl and Jolt. The Spook was old and she wasn’t a good long-distance flyer, but it had been enough to explore the debris of the space bridge at the edge of the Kuiper Belt.
Walking along the brightly lit corridor that led to the quarters that had been recently expanded, Sideswipe let his mind blank. He had been on a lot of Spook missions lately, especially since Blaster had picked up a distant signal coming toward the Solar system, but it had been just an echo. A cold, lonely echo. His hopes for Sunstreaker’s survival still ran high and each contact, each blip, could bring him closer.
Sinking onto the recharge bed, Sideswipe stared at the wall opposite. The Spook wouldn’t go onto another mission for a week. Right now she would be checked and serviced aboard the Ark.
Finally Sideswipe lay back and let his systems power down.
The week aboard the Ark was routine. Mostly. Prowl and Scrapper were in conference calls with Prime and Jolt was happily going over modifications of the Spook with Long Haul, who was a very hands-on engineer. It gave Sideswipe a lot of time alone and he spent it going over back-log and prowling around the Ark.
He ran into one of the Constructicons near the Spook’s bay. Scavenger was working at a machine that had been plugged into the underbelly of the ship. When Sideswipe approached, red optics looked up.
“Anything I can help you with?” Scavenger asked neutrally.
“No.”
Sideswipe leaned against the hull of the Spook and watched the other mech work. Scavenger finally sighed.
“What do you want, Sideswipe?” he asked, pronouncing each word slowly and carefully.
“Nothing.”
“If you’re looking for something to do, ask Long Haul. He always needs a helping hand.”
“Not interested.”
Scavenger gave an electronic sigh. “Then why are you hanging around here?”
Sideswipe was silent, looking at the Constructicon, indecisive. Finally he turned around abruptly and left.
Throughout the night cycle of the station, Sideswipe watched space through the observation windows of the bridge. The silence was nice, but it also made him even more aware of how torn his spark was. It seemed to multiply the ache without presenting medical symptoms. It was a psychological matter, Ratchet had told him after a complete scan. Not physical. There was nothing he could do.
When he finally left, he dropped by the hangar and found Scavenger still at work. When he stepped inside, the Constructicon looked up, optics flaring slightly.
“Now what?” he asked, though not unkindly.
Sideswipe was silent, but before Scavenger could turn back he asked, “How do you handle the loss of one of your own?”
Scavenger froze, gazing at him with an intense expression.
“I know Ratchet separated you all, but not completely. You still have varying degrees of awareness of each other. One was lost. How do you deal?”
“Not one to beat around the bush, hm?”
Sideswipe shifted uneasily, but he didn’t budge.
“We deal, Sideswipe. We accept the loss and continue our lives. The darkness can only dominate you if you let it.”
“But you feel it.”
“We all do to degrees.”
Silence fell again and finally Sideswipe left again.
Only to return the next cycle. To talk. To ask. To listen. To learn.
And he found himself drifting closer to Scavenger in some way, wanting to know how this one dealt with it all.
When Scavenger first offered to share, it came like a blow to his spark. He refused and left in a hurry, but the next hours in his quarters were like torture. He wanted to feel something again, someone, another presence. Sunstreaker hadn’t been a partner, he was his twin. They didn’t share. They didn’t need to. They were one spark in two shells. What Scavenger offered was like a sedative, an analgesic for the pain.
He took him up on that offer for the first time three days after the Spook had docked at the Ark.
When Sideswipe pulled out of the interface and looked into the softly glowing, red optics, read the relaxed stance, he fled.
It had felt… good. Wrong and good in one. He had touched another spark, for the very first time, and it had been good.
He came back for more before the Spook left for another patrol. He came back several times.
Scavenger let him.
And it always felt good, balm on his split spark.
It felt like a betrayal without ever being able to be one. He couldn’t betray Sunstreaker because Sunstreaker was his twin. They were one spark with two different personalities. Scavenger was completely different. He was whole. He had been harmed by the Modulator and he had suffered, but he wasn’t torn in half. He was as okay as he ever could be.
Okay.
Sideswipe still felt the rush of energy, like a blanket that momentarily held him, caressed him, and he knew this was what sharing was about. Reassurance. Release.
When the Spook left eight days after their last mission, Sideswipe felt better than in the months he had been on this alien world called Earth. Like something had given him his balance back.
He looked at the rear view monitor, watched the Ark station grow smaller and smaller. They would be back within the next three months, and part of him knew where he would find himself.
Like an addict.
Because he had found a way to fill the need.
fin for part three. Working on part four :)
SERIES: Imperfection Deviation - Off Balance
VERSE: Movie
PAIRING: Sideswipe/Scavenger
AUTHOR: Macx
RATING: PG-13
DISCLAIMER: None of the characters belong to me, sadly. They are owned by people with a lot more money :)
FEEDBACK: Loved
For odd_stick, who wanted the ‘first time’
Prior fics in the Off Balance series:
Wrong
Awkward
When the Spook came back from a recent patrol to dock at the Ark, Sideswipe felt tired and drained. He had been part of the crew aboard the Autobot ship, together with Prowl and Jolt. The Spook was old and she wasn’t a good long-distance flyer, but it had been enough to explore the debris of the space bridge at the edge of the Kuiper Belt.
Walking along the brightly lit corridor that led to the quarters that had been recently expanded, Sideswipe let his mind blank. He had been on a lot of Spook missions lately, especially since Blaster had picked up a distant signal coming toward the Solar system, but it had been just an echo. A cold, lonely echo. His hopes for Sunstreaker’s survival still ran high and each contact, each blip, could bring him closer.
Sinking onto the recharge bed, Sideswipe stared at the wall opposite. The Spook wouldn’t go onto another mission for a week. Right now she would be checked and serviced aboard the Ark.
Finally Sideswipe lay back and let his systems power down.
The week aboard the Ark was routine. Mostly. Prowl and Scrapper were in conference calls with Prime and Jolt was happily going over modifications of the Spook with Long Haul, who was a very hands-on engineer. It gave Sideswipe a lot of time alone and he spent it going over back-log and prowling around the Ark.
He ran into one of the Constructicons near the Spook’s bay. Scavenger was working at a machine that had been plugged into the underbelly of the ship. When Sideswipe approached, red optics looked up.
“Anything I can help you with?” Scavenger asked neutrally.
“No.”
Sideswipe leaned against the hull of the Spook and watched the other mech work. Scavenger finally sighed.
“What do you want, Sideswipe?” he asked, pronouncing each word slowly and carefully.
“Nothing.”
“If you’re looking for something to do, ask Long Haul. He always needs a helping hand.”
“Not interested.”
Scavenger gave an electronic sigh. “Then why are you hanging around here?”
Sideswipe was silent, looking at the Constructicon, indecisive. Finally he turned around abruptly and left.
Throughout the night cycle of the station, Sideswipe watched space through the observation windows of the bridge. The silence was nice, but it also made him even more aware of how torn his spark was. It seemed to multiply the ache without presenting medical symptoms. It was a psychological matter, Ratchet had told him after a complete scan. Not physical. There was nothing he could do.
When he finally left, he dropped by the hangar and found Scavenger still at work. When he stepped inside, the Constructicon looked up, optics flaring slightly.
“Now what?” he asked, though not unkindly.
Sideswipe was silent, but before Scavenger could turn back he asked, “How do you handle the loss of one of your own?”
Scavenger froze, gazing at him with an intense expression.
“I know Ratchet separated you all, but not completely. You still have varying degrees of awareness of each other. One was lost. How do you deal?”
“Not one to beat around the bush, hm?”
Sideswipe shifted uneasily, but he didn’t budge.
“We deal, Sideswipe. We accept the loss and continue our lives. The darkness can only dominate you if you let it.”
“But you feel it.”
“We all do to degrees.”
Silence fell again and finally Sideswipe left again.
Only to return the next cycle. To talk. To ask. To listen. To learn.
And he found himself drifting closer to Scavenger in some way, wanting to know how this one dealt with it all.
When Scavenger first offered to share, it came like a blow to his spark. He refused and left in a hurry, but the next hours in his quarters were like torture. He wanted to feel something again, someone, another presence. Sunstreaker hadn’t been a partner, he was his twin. They didn’t share. They didn’t need to. They were one spark in two shells. What Scavenger offered was like a sedative, an analgesic for the pain.
He took him up on that offer for the first time three days after the Spook had docked at the Ark.
When Sideswipe pulled out of the interface and looked into the softly glowing, red optics, read the relaxed stance, he fled.
It had felt… good. Wrong and good in one. He had touched another spark, for the very first time, and it had been good.
He came back for more before the Spook left for another patrol. He came back several times.
Scavenger let him.
And it always felt good, balm on his split spark.
It felt like a betrayal without ever being able to be one. He couldn’t betray Sunstreaker because Sunstreaker was his twin. They were one spark with two different personalities. Scavenger was completely different. He was whole. He had been harmed by the Modulator and he had suffered, but he wasn’t torn in half. He was as okay as he ever could be.
Okay.
Sideswipe still felt the rush of energy, like a blanket that momentarily held him, caressed him, and he knew this was what sharing was about. Reassurance. Release.
When the Spook left eight days after their last mission, Sideswipe felt better than in the months he had been on this alien world called Earth. Like something had given him his balance back.
He looked at the rear view monitor, watched the Ark station grow smaller and smaller. They would be back within the next three months, and part of him knew where he would find himself.
Like an addict.
Because he had found a way to fill the need.
fin for part three. Working on part four :)