Crack fic!
“Um, Ratchet?”
“Yes, Sam?” The medic peered down at the teenager at his feet. Sam appeared to be bouncing up and down on his toes, a sign of agitation.
“Can I ask you something?”
“You are already asking me a question, Sam.” Not only was the human bouncing, he also appeared to be extruding moisture from his skin. Ratchet accessed the Internet. Ah, sweating, a means of cooling the body and also an indication of nervousness.
“No, I mean-“ Sam stopped bouncing and started pacing. Ratchet kept a careful eye on the boy’s position relative to Ratchet’s own feet, each of which was perfectly capable of exterminating a fragile organic lifeform. Sam came to an abrupt halt and sighed heavily.
“I think something’s wrong with Bumblebee.”
Ratchet stopped what he was doing and gave Sam his full attention. “What?”
Sam started pacing again, coupled with wild flailing of his arms. “It’s just, he’s my friend, you know? But sometimes when Mikaela’s around he, like, sulks and won’t talk, and he plays really creepy music. And if she hugs me or I hold her hand or anything, he acts like a total dick. Last Saturday she kissed me goodnight and he wouldn’t let me back inside, then he drove off. I had to call my dad to pick me up, and that really sucked.
“Well-“ Ratchet began, and then stopped in exasperation. “Must you keep moving around? Here,” and he deposited Sam on the examination table. “Stay put. Now, it sounds like Bumblebee is experiencing feelings of jealousy regarding your relationships with other beings. I will have a word with him and explain that this behavior is distressing you.”
“I dunno,” Sam said, running his hands through his hair and heaving another sigh. “He growls, Ratchet. He sounds like that psycho car from the Stephen King movie. And it’s not just Mikaela, either. My mom hugged me goodbye yesterday when I was leaving for school, and this morning I woke up and she was screaming. Her roses were crushed.”
Ratchet hummed thoughtfully to himself. If Bumblebee was allowing his emotions to overcome him to the point of destroying others’ property, than Optimus might have to intervene.
Sam started pacing again, and Ratchet absently picked him up. Mustn’t let the human fall off the table and break something. Then something about the chemicals being released by the teenager caught his attention, and he raised Sam closer to his olfactory sensors and collected an atmospheric sample.
“Hey, Ratchet, we already had the ‘sniffing people is rude’ talk!” Sam squirmed, getting absolutely nowhere.
“Hush,” Ratchet snapped, taking another sample. What was that compound? It was teasingly familiar, and he rummaged through his databanks in an attempt to identify it.
“Ratchet?” Sam’s voice was significantly higher-pitched as he tried to push Ratchet’s head away from his body. The medic’s response was to use his other hand to pin the boy’s arms to his side. The chemical had a similarity to other pheromones produced by humans, but there was something else there. Dimly, he heard the door to the medbay whoosh open.
“Optimus! Help!”
“Ratchet, what are you doing?”
Ratchet pivoted towards his leader, keeping a firm grasp on a nearly-hysterical Sam. “I am attempting to analyze a compound-“
“Optimus, get him away from me!”
Optimus stepped toward his CMO, one hand outstretched. “Put him down. Now.”
Ratchet clutched Sam closer and growled.
Sam squeaked.
Optimus sighed.
“Ironhide!”
It took both of them to pin Ratchet down long enough to pry Sam loose from his fingers. Ironhide dumped the human back on the table, while Optimus kept Ratchet down by sitting on him.
“What the frag is wrong with him?” Ironhide snapped, fingering a shallow gash on his arm. Ratchet’s saw was nothing to mess with.
“Sam, what caused this?” Optimus demanded.
“I don’t know! I was telling him how Bumblebee was acting weird and he picked me up and started sniffing me and-“
“Sam!”
“Oh, crap,” Sam muttered.
“Sam, are you all right?” Bumblebee hurried past Optimus and Ratchet without a second glance, heading for his friend like a human-seeking missile. Sam yelped and tried to duck behind Ironhide.
Ironhide moved in between Bumblebee and his target.
Bumblebee growled at Ironhide.
Thirty seconds later the black Autobot was pinning a wriggling scout to the floor and glaring at Optimus. “Well, now what do we do?”
“Disable their weapons and lock them in the brig.” Optimus dodged an attempted headbutt from Ratchet and tightened his grip. “Then we figure out why they’re acting like this.”
EDIT: Had to change the title. The fic is doing a 180 degree spin on me, and Ratchet's doing the driving now.