October 1981: Millions of Unread and Useless Words

[tesseract_5]

as requested by jazzypom some weeks ago: gen fic, Severus Snape... when he decides to go to Dumbledore for shelter from the Death Eaters...he's probably in his early twenties. It's probably shortly before the Potter's deaths, and his mind is a jumble.warnings: allusion to past violence

Comments

s'all fine

[tesseract_5]

I meant to post a warning at the beginning, but figured you'd skip this entirely, so thanks for bothering to even explain at all about your irrational perfectly fine squick.

If it's any comfort, Snape comes across as a coward and tool in this, even if he was taken in and brainwashed kind of by a tricky cult. it's gen, there's only a breif allusion to Snape/Bellatrix/Luscious? ;-)

[topaz_eyes]

Yay Hollis! I like this! Even though Snape is not my favorite character it's nice to see this introspective fic. I like how he reaches his decision. jazzypom should be pleased.

I found only a few little nitpicks, mainly with the climax. You have a good start, but you could make it stronger--this is the climax so it should blow him and us away with the force of his realization. (I'm learning, jazzypom!) "in a sudden inspiration" sounds flat to me, there should be more force to it. "until it hurt his lungs and an image distilled in his mind." could be re-worded to pack more of a punch.

The moment of truth, "realizing for the first time that this expression his father has worn wasn't so much indicative of disappointment in his son, but in himself. His father more angry at himself than the wife he beat?" can be re-worded to make it a shock. I like that last question--build on that.

[tesseract_5]

KNEW someone would catch me on this, I'd rather it be you than jazzy at this point ;) Truth is that I rewrote that bit like 5 times, and then threw this up as done for now.

no really, I was thinking about how to re-do this part for the last half hour, hmmmph. Thank you for helping me through this, rrrgh

I know that I have the same thing, whether it's 15 page reports or fic for fun, I can't see the ending until I get there, and then I feel like I should rewrite the whole thing now that I know where I'm going.

[topaz_eyes]

This is why I always try to have an ending in mind when I write--something to look forward to. Otherwise I'd blab on and on.

[tesseract_5]

it is better to have a goal, an ending place. I tend to have the opposite tendency, to end too soon, and not spell it out enough.

Ah! You did it! *beams*

[jazzypom]

I must say, your imagery has gotten stronger, and your narrative has gotten tighter in the space of a few stories that you've written. I did like the personifcation of elements here - of the wind grabbing at Severus' coat, and him hugging it tigher against him. I also liked the fact that Severus comes to his realization (that well...he may need some help)and is brave enough to seek it. I liked the description of the dark mark - the skin being thickened by magical pigments (yeah, why is it that no-one has ever said that before), and how Snape's skin is oily with persperation, even with the shock of the cold. I appreciated the fact that you didn't pussyfoot around what Snape did. He murdered, and participated in murder. He was [is?] a death eater, and for a while he gloried in all of what it meant, and I thank you for not being an apologist about it.

Alas, I fear I need to beta. I'd normally do this in an email - but yeah.

First, 'currier' is spelt courier I think. It's supposedly a french word. I thought that you could have italized

it was a tough one

[tesseract_5]

phew, this is the 1st time I've written from Snape's PoV, and I'd only thought out minor descriptions of him and snippets of dialogue before.
I rewrote that first paragraph every once in a while over the past few weeks, so I was so happy when it finally hit me of how to approach this last night. I'd had that quote to work off of for a month now. First, 'currier' is spelt courier I think. It's supposedly a french word.

I knew I was spelling it like Currier and Ives, not right spelling. Thanks for catching that.

I thought that you could have italized Snape's thoughts more - like when he realizes what he's done is murder, just for the shock of contrast as he comes to these home truths.

oh good, I resisted doing that, as I think I do that too much, but then re-reading parts of OotP last night, JKR does that all the time for Harry. I will follow in style.

I thought that his ephiany would have been a bit more striking? When Severus notices that in his haste not to be bullied, he's become something that he hated? He does have that flash

[fleshdress]

Well, I generally go by whether I liked something or not as to whether I have something to nitpick. I don't do concrit, I'm afraid. I do: `it gave me vague feelings of...` etc.

But I liked this. It was quiet and cold, and the image of the dead leaves really struck me. And I liked the figure approaching at the end, that Snape flees without time to completely make up his mind.

Yep. I liked this a lot. :)

[tesseract_5]

oh thank you! I wanted to get across the feeling that Snape was really being cowardly and not brave. He has two choices once he separates himself from the Death Eaters: 1) flee, or 2) become a martyr, and because of what he is, he chooses the first option, on a half formed impression.

I'm still not sure how he wormed his way back into the confidences of the DEs after Voldemort's return, but I'm hope we'll find out part of that.

[wildestranger]

Most intriguing. I like how you construct this, and the whole idea of sense returning to his body, and the difference suggested between that and his previous state. The Death Eaters as a cult makes so much sense, and I really like what you've done with this.

you're back!

[tesseract_5]

oh I'm glad it makes sense to you, this was such a search for where I wanted it to start from, when I got the notion of thinking about guilt, passive aggressive fathers and cults it fell into place.

Snape's a sick boy, but knows when to tuck his tail between his legs and run. (unlike your Sirius)

Re: you're back!

[wildestranger]

Heh. I don't think Sirius could admit that there might be a situation where he had to. Stupid Gryffidors.

hmm..

[tesseract_5]

you're probably right, Sirius didn't even backing down when Harry asked him to, I love that scene where Phinneas Nigel compared Slytherin and Gryffindor concepts of bravery, thus, I guess Snape fits in with the saving his skin def. of bravery here