THE WAY WE ARE (ch 37-38a / 44)
PAIRING: Orlando/Michael (OMC)
RATING: Overall NC 17
DISCLAIMER: Not true, never happened no matter how hard I pretend.
SUMMARY (story): While in London to shoot a movie, Orlando meets Michael who stirs new feeling in him. Soon he is forced to re-consider his sexuality, what he wants, how far he is willing to go and how much he is prepared to risk.… And a lot of other stuff; thrown in for entertainment!
SUMMARY (chapters): Orlando visits Alex, considers the different sides to himself and goes to a fun palace.
BETA: idlesloth is the brilliant, supportive and very patient person who helps me through this story, reads through endless rants and nervous emails and saves my dignity by catching the strange and embarrassing mistakes I make. She has introduced me to the English grammar, rules and regulations and has now convinced me that they are there for a reason! Thus, the story style in terms of line spacing, dialogue etc. changes slightly as of this chapter. Better late than never.
FEEDBACK: Makes my day. Seriously; it makes my day better.
roomfor2 made the lovely banner.
AUTHORS NOTE: I know next to nothing about Disney contracts. It is made up and no disrespect is meant to the organisation. Also, please note the chapter heading… I am now able to put the last chapter number (although it could still change slightly if some chapters end up being longer than planned). But, yep, we are slowly nearing the end. BTW: Chapter 38 was too large for one LJ post so it's been split in half.
All previous chapters are saved here:
http://www.livejournal.com/tools/memories.bml?user=tessa111&keyword=%2A&filter=all
Chapter 37
“That’s fucked up, right? I mean, that’s not even remotely normal or good enough!” Orlando stared angrily at Alex, who was observing him over the edge of a sports magazine; a pose he had been frozen in ever since Orlando started his rambling and, at times, incoherent account of the time in Glasgow - as if any movement on Alex’s part would somehow worsen Orlando’s emotional state.
Orlando had arrived back in London only hours earlier. The last days in Scotland had been a strange mixture of thoughts and emotions and he still didn’t know whether to mourn the end of a relationship, be incredibly pissed off with his boyfriend, or just miss Michael terribly, though the last option he did regardless. The first day, Orlando had made no effort to contact Michael, figuring he needed some time alone. The second day, Orlando had called a few times, needing to find out what the hell was going on, but Michael hadn’t picked up. Yesterday morning, Orlando had tried calling once, sent a text message which had gone unanswered and had since decided to leave it up to Michael to re-establish communication. It hadn’t happened, yet. Now Orlando was standing in Alex’s living room, feeling even more frustrated and confused than he had the morning he woke up alone.
“You love him?” Alex choked out when it was clear that Orlando was again open to and, in fact, expecting a response, “And you told him!”
“I wasn’t planning to,” Orlando hissed, “I know it was soon but… Look… I have to hide it from everyone else,” he gestured around the room, full of imaginary, invisible people from whom he was hiding it. “I shouldn’t have to hide it from him as well. I can’t… Do you think I should?” he looked at Alex accusingly.
“No. No,” Alex shook his head vigorously, “it’s just… it’s a bit…”
“Yeah yeah. A bit much. Against the rules, I know the drill,” Orlando cut him off.
“No. It’s a bit surprising,” Alex corrected, “I didn’t know it was getting so serious. I didn’t even know he went to visit you.” Alex looked a little hurt that he had not been informed of such a major event.
“Yeah well… maybe it isn’t serious. Wasn’t. I don’t know. I mean, he left, right?” Orlando slumped into a large armchair, suddenly feeling exhausted. The confusion in his mind was draining.
“He’s behaving like a complete prick.” Alex wasn’t one to sugar-coat his opinions.
“He’s not a prick,” Orlando turned his head tiredly to look at Alex, “You don’t know him. He’s really not. We were doing pretty well together. I think I messed up.”
“You did not mess up!” Alex asserted. “You were honest and now he’s being a complete prick. Don’t make excuses for him.”
“I’m not,” Orlando threw his hands up in the air. “Just, I was, like, ‘I love you, I’m leaving, if I don’t it will cost me millions. Goodnight.’ - literally within ten minutes,” Orlando shook his head. “That is not the way to interact with him, Alex.” He didn’t mention that the days prior had already been emotionally trying for Michael.
Alex failed to suppress a small laugh at Orlando’s slightly faulty summary before concluding, “Well, if you love him, you do, and he’ll just have to deal with it,” as if that was elementary.
Orlando had thought about the word ‘Love’ a lot in recent days. It had always been a big word to him. It meant something and wasn’t to be used lightly - but it wasn’t foreign to Orlando, wasn’t sacred. He used it with his family, his friends, his dog; all the creatures he did, in fact, love. However, he had come to realize that, most probably, no one had ever said it to Michael before. That, to Michael, the word was not just big, it was terrifying. Its meaning was unfamiliar and its implications not fully understood. Maybe Michael hadn’t known what to do with such a declaration, didn’t understand that Orlando expected nothing from him in return. Either that or he really was being an utter prick in dealing with the situation.
“And you had to tell him about the movies,” Alex stated supportively.
“I know.”
To Aileen he had tentatively mentioned the idea of staying in London, choosing the British movie, and it had not been well received. The option was not only advised against but strongly opposed - to the point where it almost sounded like career suicide - something of an exaggeration, Orlando felt, but he had certainly got the point; rejecting Atlantis was not the smart thing to do.
In his realistic, logical, and professional mind he already knew that. He knew that going to LA made the most sense, the only sense. Yet, an independent, illogical, and inherently uncontrollable part of him still refused to accept that fact, refused to sign the agreement and absolutely tore at him, pleaded with him not to leave Michael. This part was persistently telling Orlando that if only he had more time with Michael they could work things out, they could be together. And just maybe it would lead to happiness, however hidden and forbidden.
This was the irrational, unpredictable, and somewhat reckless side of him that also told him that he could perform the most fantastic, unrehearsed tricks with his snowboard, surf the biggest wave and climb the most inaccessible peak. It always dared him to pet the angry dog, ski faster, play with fire and use the highest diving-board. It made him crash his motorbike and it dropped him onto a cement floor where he broke his back. It was the part that hadn’t listened when he knew not to meet Michael at the cabin, the part that, against his better judgement, made him offer blowjobs in crowded bars, told him to flirt with Emily, dragged him off to Michael’s apartment at two in the morning, and demanded a secret, exclusive relationship with another man. It was the part of him that made love to Michael at night, craved his touch and had forced a declaration of deep feelings from Orlando’s mouth. It did not want to consider the implications of loving another man, and it desperately did not want to go to LA.
It was frightening how often he had given into that side of himself in recent months.
Listening to it was not always the intelligent thing to do. In fact, it was most often ill-advised, done on impulse and with varying degrees of success. Sometimes it ended in disaster, other times it brought smiles to his lips and made his heart clench in wonder at how amazing life could be.
This side of him thrived on emotions, adventures, beautiful sunsets and midnight kisses in make-shift cinemas. It knew no fear and would convince him that anything was possible - even when it was not. And that was the trick; knowing when to listen to the little voice and when it had to be ignored. Because it did not easily distinguish between dreams and reality. It didn’t consider odds or probability, the difference between what he wanted to happen and what most likely would happen.
This was the part of him that always got him into trouble with his mum, his teachers, his management, agents and anyone who had ever believed in logic and common sense, and Orlando was slowly learning to ignore the little, often very excited voice, which whispered far-fetched ideas and promised glory and happy endings. He knew now that it could not be trusted to make intelligent decisions.
Orlando sat in quiet thought for a while, picking at the green velvet chair as his mind replayed the last night with Michael for the hundredth time. “I need to talk to him,” he mumbled, “I have to decide about the movies.”
“You’re going to do Atlantis, right?”
“Yeah, I guess,” he shifted uncomfortably, “but I don’t want to just sign the contract without at least telling him first. I can’t just go to LA and leave things as they are between us. If I do then that’s it - we’re done. It will be completely over.”
“Maybe everything will be okay,” Alex said, his voice not convincing to either of them.
“Maybe,” Orlando agreed quietly, “I really just don’t understand it.”
“Well, you can talk to him tomorrow at the Fun Palace,” Alex stated, causing Orlando to look up at him in confusion. “Chris and Jake’s birthday party. At the Fun Palace.”
“Oh shit. That’s tomorrow?”
“Yeah, and Michael will probably be there, don’t you think, with it being Jake and all.”
“Yes, he probably will,” Orlando agreed, feeling relieved that there was now an opportunity to see Michael, nervous because tomorrow he would see Michael, and utterly annoyed that he had forgot to buy presents.
Alex was chattering away about the party now, clearly looking forward to it. Chris and Jake had hired an entire games hall, complete with bowling lanes, pool-tables and laser games. Apparently they had invited nearly 150 people and there would be tournaments and trophies. Orlando wanted to make a joke about immaturity, state that this was not the most dignified way for two single men to turn thirty, but he couldn’t bear to pull Alex’s mood down again. Besides, had it not been for his current emotional state, Orlando would have secretly been looking forward to it as well, and probably the first one to queue up for a laser gun.
The place also had a spacious bar and a dance floor - and this was probably what saved the party’s reputation and allowed supposed grown-ups to be openly excited about it. Orlando would not be playing James Bond or wearing two-tone bowling shoes tomorrow though. He would be going to drink his traditional birthday whiskey with Chris and, more importantly, to speak to Michael. His stomach suddenly felt queasy. He knew for sure that tomorrow he would either be spending the night with Michael or their relationship would be officially over.
Chapter 38
“It’s that book you wanted,” Orlando handed his present over to Chris. It was wrapped in newspaper, rather neatly, if Orlando did say so himself. “It’s my own copy, so it’s a bit wrecked. I’m sorry I didn’t really get around to shopping,” Orlando smiled apologetically.
Chris gave him a firm shoulder hug, “That’s okay. I’m just glad you could make it.”
“And I got you this,” Orlando held up two bottles of apparently exceptionally good, and ridiculously expensive whiskey, “Well, one is for Jake,” he added quickly.
“Thanks a lot. I’ll put them on the gift table,” Chris took both bottles from Orlando’s hands. “I think we should save mine for a night with just the two of us. Shame to share it around, right?”
“Absolutely. I like your thinking,” Orlando nodded. He would like a private whiskey night with Chris soon.
“Tonight we’ll suffer the cheap crap here since I’ve already paid for the free bar,” Chris concluded with a grin.
“This is great. It’s such a good idea,” Alex approached them holding up a purple bowling ball and they all spent a moment agreeing what a marvellous idea the Fun Palace was before Chris disappeared to greet some new guests. Soon Alex also wandered off again to welcome Mark, who had just arrived. Orlando could see them share a hello-kiss in the foyer but turned his head when he felt a small stab of envy. Lives shouldn’t be compared.
For a few minutes he stood alone, looking over the already-busy bowling lanes. The hall was pretty dark, the lanes lit with neon lights, small lamps and by the screens displaying results. Music mixed with encouraging yells and laughter. Orlando decided to get the last of the formalities done with; went to wish Jake a happy birthday, and spoke a few pointless words with random people before retreating to the bar area.
The bar was located at a slightly higher level and had a wooden railing along one side, overlooking the bowling alley. A round oak bar was surrounded by heavy leather furniture. Three pool-tables were placed at the end of the room and Michael was leaning over the middle one with a cue in his hand.
Orlando stopped dead in his tracks and, as if his tension had rushed through the air, Michael looked up and their eyes met. Neither smiled, neither showed any obvious signs of recognition, and Orlando felt as if he was held in that moment for hours; as if people were passing by, ordering drinks, winning bowling tournaments, while he stood fixed to the floor, staring at Michael. Michael looked just like Michael, playing pool, but Orlando thought he detected a hint of guilt in his eyes before he looked down and made his shot. The ball went in, Orlando noticed as he took the last steps to the bar, where he ordered a double whiskey on the rocks.
Orlando went to stand in a secluded part of the bar where hopefully no one would notice him and come up to chat; a not-too-unrealistic hope, seeing as the bar was basically empty apart from the pool-players and the occasional guest fetching drinks before disappearing downstairs again. He wasn’t going to approach Michael but he did want to give him an opportunity to establish contact, which wouldn’t happen if Orlando was sitting with a crowd of enthusiastic bowlers. He leaned over the wooden railing watching the bowling lanes without interest. Occasionally, he took a small sip of whiskey and threw a hidden glance at the pool-table to confirm that Michael was still playing.
Before long the plan seemed to work as Michael excused himself from the game, grabbed his beer and came to lean on the railing next to Orlando. Orlando didn’t acknowledge him and for a while they were both busy standing still and feigning interest in the activities below.
“So, how have you been?” Michael eventually asked, taking a casual sip of beer.
“Well. Somewhat pissed off, mildly confused. How do you think I’ve been?”
“Yeah,” Michael nodded.
“I notice you’re not answering my calls,” Orlando stated dryly, throwing a sideway glance at Michael who leaned further over the railing, suddenly preoccupied with some people passing below.
“No, I didn’t want to talk to you. I just didn’t.”
“Yeah, I got that.” When Michael apparently had nothing more to add, Orlando mumbled quietly, “You’re just freaking out.”
“I am not freaking out,” Michael turned his head to look at Orlando as he dismissed the allegation.
“Right! I say I love you and hours later you pack your bags and leave. Doesn’t that sound like a strange coincidence to you?”
“Look…” Michael sighed and ran a hand through his hair, “It’s just a lot now, okay. It’s not casual at all. And especially not with your… with the whole… thing.”
“That I love you?”
“Whatever.”
Orlando placed a hand on Michael’s back but as a girl passed by he quickly removed it and lowered his voice to a near whisper, “Michael, I can’t change that, I do love…”
“Will you stop saying that,” Michael cut him off.
“Okay.” Orlando swirled the ice around in his whiskey. Clearly the love thing was freaking Michael out and Orlando couldn’t decide whether to steer the conversation into the second sensitive topic of the movies or aim for safer ground, though he couldn’t think what.
His dilemma was quickly solved.
“Orlando, it’s not just about that,” Michael started, sounding uncommonly serious. “I mean, the movies… it’s a big deal. You even considering staying here is insane.”
“So, out of pure concern for my career you just left me alone in Scotland? Well then, I’m very touched,” Orlando said sarcastically. He couldn’t just forget the feeling of having been abandoned by his lover and he needed to know that Michael felt at least a little guilty, accepted he had been wrong and took some responsibility for his actions.
Michael shook his head lightly. “No, that…. I know maybe I shouldn’t have…”
“No. You really shouldn’t have,” Orlando stressed.
“Fine. I’m sorry, okay?” And Michael was sorry.
He had left Orlando, fully intending not to see him again. But soon his determination, normally so strong, had wavered. He hadn’t anticipated just how much he would miss Orlando, how guilty he would feel about running off, or how much he would end up doubting the legitimacy and motives of his own disappearing act.
He told himself he left to make things easier for Orlando but it wasn’t entirely true. Things were spinning out of control and Michael had been mainly protecting himself. He worried about the risks Orlando was taking but, even more, he feared that soon Orlando wouldn’t be prepared to take them any more. He worried about Orlando ending their relationship, so Michael had found it safer to do so himself. And though he still knew they couldn’t hide forever, lie forever, and that there was no obvious future for them, he realized now that Orlando needed to be involved in reaching such a conclusion.
Michael had come to the party tonight because he needed to see Orlando again, because he owed it to him… and because he had identified a small, persistent hope inside, claiming that maybe things could work out after all. Only, not as they had been; that wasn’t a realistic possibility. It would require some changes, and it would ultimately depend on Orlando - on how serious he was about their relationship, on how true his words of love really were.
Michael had never asked Orlando for anything. He had agreed to a secret, exclusive relationship, had left via back doors, and accepted Orlando’s PR stunt with Belle. Michael hadn’t set any prerequisites; had told himself he had no right to interfere in Orlando’s life as he had kept pretending things were casual, temporary, and didn’t require changing. But if they weren’t casual, if they actually had to consider a realistic future, then Michael would have to set his own conditions and risk Orlando rejecting them. Rejecting him.
Michael had come tonight because he didn’t want to be scared, didn’t want to be incapable of taking emotional risks anymore. He needed to find out if Orlando would agree to his conditions even if, for Michael, it meant risking his pride and opening up to a possible let-down.
It was better to find out for sure what would happen than wonder forever what might have been.
“I just needed some time,” he mumbled, “I had some stuff on my mind.”
“Okay,” Orlando nodded faintly; that was closer to an honest excuse he could almost accept, though he now worried about the outcome of Michael’s time alone.
“But still. The difference is millions,” Michael returned the discussion to the movie offers, obviously having spent some of his time considering that matter.
“Yes, but that’s my decision to make.” Orlando mentally kicked himself for that firm statement; Maybe he should allow Michael more input, even though he had initially just claimed it to be a ‘no-brainer’. Also, his manager was most certainly involved in the decision.
“And what decision have you made?” Michael turned to face him and Orlando fought not to squirm. Although his mind had kept playing around with it, the decision had really been made during his last phone conversation with Aileen and he now wished he had never mentioned the British option to Michael. It had never been a genuine option; more like a childish dream which he shouldn’t have shared when he didn’t have the spirit to chase it.
“I have to go to LA.” Despite a strong urge to stare sadly into his drink, Orlando lifted his head to meet Michael’s eyes. “I need the exposure and the contacts this movie brings, you know. It’s important for future work and stuff. Staying in London would just be a bad idea. Pretty detrimental, in fact,” he sighed, shrugged, took a sip of whiskey and wondered if he had relayed the speech correctly - he concluded he had as it sounded pretty identical to the one he had received, albeit a significantly shorter version.
“That makes sense.” Michael cursed the small stab in his chest. After all, Orlando had reached the right decision; the one Michael had encouraged and had expected his lover to make eventually. Of course Orlando couldn’t give up on such an opportunity just so they could spend more time together.
“So what does that mean?” Michael asked quietly, “Besides you leaving in three weeks.”
“Well it… how do you mean? You mean with us?” Orlando was afraid to make any assumptions.
“Mm hmm,” Michael confirmed and Orlando felt a stone of relief lift in his stomach; that after Michael’s time alone, there was still the possibility of an ‘us’. Most of the relief was short-lived, though, as Michael continued, “I mean, you’re signing a Disney contract. Surely they have some sort of morality clause?”
Orlando sighed, “Yeah they do.” He gestured towards a set of furniture and with an agreeing nod from Michael he went to sit down in a large leather sofa in the corner. Michael sat down in a chair, pulling it slightly closer to Orlando so they could talk without raising their voices.
Shortcut to chapter 38b is here: http://tessa111.livejournal.com/9198.html#cutid1