Lily's Friend: A WIP

[terri_testing]

I don’t normally post completely unfinished fics, but this is a Christmas gift for my niece and I don’t have a regular beta. So I want feedback as I’m writing. Anyone want to oblige? This is my Lily/James/Severus triangle fiction, told from the point of view of Mary Macdonald. (Which was my solution to the problem of presenting James

Comments

[oryx_leucoryx]

I like it. You can see the various personalities and agenda. I can see Mary and Lily seeing James as being helpful, but he wasn't going to stay, not on a full moon. A reader can wonder whether his explanation of how the spell was dark was honest or manipulative. And can see how, if Severus knew the spell didn't produce venomous snakes, he would see it as a joke, no worse than the typical Hogwarts stuff.

I like the different brewing styles and their varying results. Lizzie is like Hermione, Mary maybe like Ron. Also, Severus' potion isn't as good as Lily's because he is experimenting again while she is using their best improvement so far. Of course Slughorn is unaware that any of this is going on. (Was the Draught of Living Death 5th year curriculum in the 70s? Is this yet another sign of the dumbing down of education that in the 90s it is NEWTs level?)

Thanks for feedback!

[terri_testing]

Glad you like it so far!

As to the brewing--Sev actually has the experimenter's ideal set-up here: he can test two sets of variations on the published recipe simultaneously, while trusting Lizzie to correctly brew the control.

I haven't tried to figure out what exactly they were brewing; it's not necessary to the plot, so I didn't bother. And it's not like Mary would care!

I just added two more scenes that take it to the Potions class directly after Sirius's funny little joke on Severus.

Let me know what you think....

Re: Thanks for feedback!

[oryx_leucoryx]

Poor Severus! Of course everyone is making assumptions about him and he can't defend himself.

(BTW Terri, my email is b0rken for the time being. So I can't do any beta-ing via that route at the moment.)

[lynn_waterfall]

I like the story so far. I thought that the different approaches to potion-making were interesting. Mary's approach seems almost implausible, but I know that plenty of people have that approach to *cooking*, so it's probably representative of a fair number of the students in that class.

he chatted with her about some of his trickier Quidditch maneuvers for twenty minutes while they drank their cocoa.

After that she found she could sleep.(chuckling

thanks for comments

[terri_testing]

Glad you like it so far! And thanks for catching the typo.

Re: eek.

Spiraling. Yeppers.

Just take a deep breath and calm down, Sev... and deal with Lily now being angry with you for adamantly refusing to tell her what's wrong.

[sailorlum]

Interesting having it be from Mary's POV. I like the scene where you had her overhear The Marauders talking about the 'prank'. I like how Lily's response to the cold treatment by Severus, mirrored Severus's later worries about their friendship. Good job making James sympathetic. :)

Reading down the comments, I can see that Dumbledore was meant to have put a spell on Severus so that he can't say why he's in a bad mood. I thought Severus was just freaked out. You might want to put in a little something about Dumbledore putting a spell on him...unless it's going to come to light in the next chapter. ;)

Thanks for comments

[terri_testing]

Glad you like it so far. Mary, I think, sees James through much rosier specs than I do. Yes, Lily was meant to mirror Sev's concern about not being treated as a best friend. (He started it

Re: Thanks for comments

[sailorlum]

Ah ha. I must have missed the Dumbledore tongue tie discussion (or forgotten, since that's not a theory I hold). The theory makes sense, though. ;)

So if a reader assumes Sev is bound by his promise not to talk, and not by a spell, I THINK it still works. Or does it?

Yeah, it still works. :) I think it only needs to be known to the audience, if it becomes important to the plot or is really important to understanding the characters for this particular fic. Since this fic is through Mary vision, I'm not sure how bringing forth that knowledge would work, though, LOL. But, as long as it doesn't lessen the emotional impact that you are going for to let it be ambiguous, then it doesn't matter. ;) And there is a certain advantage to the ambiguity: it can allow people with either theory to enjoy the fic without being taken out of it (however briefly) by thoughts of how it doesn't line up with their own theory.

Re: Thanks for comments

[terri_testing]

But now you do have me toying with a way for Lily, but not Mary, to figure out Sev is restrained--but she misinterprets by whom, and for what motive. And it might work to deepen the miscommunication while apparently clearing some of it up .... It's imperative that Lily be left with the firm conviction that she understands what really happened, that she have hold of the wrong end of the stick, and that her interpretation of events places a much better light on Potter than Sev's, but a worse than Mary's. Hmm--taps lip thoughtfully.

[totalreadr]

I'm having a hard time empathizing with Mary in this. She just comes off as a complete idiot. Her hatred of Snape seems out of proportion. She has a random crush on a guy she doesn't even know (and who doesn't know she exists), and doesn't even seem to *try* to get over it. And then. And then

Thanks for commenting!

[terri_testing]

Dare I infer, totalreadr, that you have a preference for intelligent and insightful characters? Which Mary, clearly, is not. (And what does it say of Lily that her best girlfriend isn't...?)

(Er, and yes, I am slowly rewriting Albus in 2nd chance. But this one is a Christmas gift--I have to get it done.)

I do think Gryffs in Harry's time come across as thinking that they are, by virtue of their Sorting, better than the rest of the school. And that Slytherins are automatically the worst. Ron, I think it was, explicitly tells Neville so in PS--you're worth a dozen of Draco, the hat put you in Gryffindor while he's a slimy Slytherin. I just extrapolated the attitude backwards

Mary's attitude

[totalreadr]

The more I think about Mary's attitude to Severus, the more I think I really am seeing a problem. And here it is

[lynn_waterfall]

I didn't even realize there was an update, at first

[oryx_leucoryx]

Ron arrived at Hogwarts with an anti-Slytherin attitude, and nobody in his family overlapped with James. And why would McGonagall, who thought of James as a bright trouble-maker, adapt her views to his?

I think for the Weasleys the main reason to think of Slytherin as the worst House (considering Arthur's mother was a Black and most probably a Slytherin herself) was the outcome of the post-first-war trials and whatever else there was between Arthur and Lucius. It is harder to tell about others.

[oryx_leucoryx]

BTW Lynn, there are more places I find McGonagall not up to Harry's praise of her. She is probably an effective teacher (though not particularly thoughtful about her students until anything hits her in the face) and a loyal warrior. That's about it.

[lynn_waterfall]

Well, I don't agree with the "strict but fair" assessment. Although I'm not sure where that assessment comes from. In PS/SS, it doesn't say "fair," it says:

Harry had been quite right to think she wasn't a teacher to cross. Strict and clever, she gave them a talking-to the moment they sat down in her first class. (my emphasis)

The HPL says she "refuses to favor her house," but the context in which that appears is refusing to give the students of her house less homework than the other students:

"Wish McGonagall favored us," said Harry. Professor McGonagall was head of Gryffindor House, but it hadn't stopped her from giving them a huge pile of homework the day before.

As someone on Deathtocapslock (I believe) pointed out, Severus doesn't exactly favor his house by *that* standard, either.

I don't consider McGonagall to be up to Harry's praise of her, but I still generally like her as a character, if not always as a person. But I don't like what I've seen of her in DH, though.