Special Porn Hell: Bleak Liberal Dystopia Edition!
[Good Lord, this is nearly 4400 words long, making it possibly the longest fakenews fic I've ever written. And almost certainly the most creatively masturbatory, given that it takes place in a universe that approximately 99.998% of fandom has never heard of. For the uninitiated, this is based on Liberality For All, a comic book featuring Sean Hannity as the leader of the conservative resistance against liberal tyranny in the year 2021. Oh yeah, and he has an eye patch and a cybernetic arm and looks about 22 even though he'd be approx. 60 years old in 2021. I swear to Cthulhu, I am not making this stuff up. Read these epically hilarious recaps if you find the concept intriguing. And if you find that I've played fast and loose with things like "science" and "continuity", I'm just trying to capture the flavor of the source material.]
Human Touch
by
Dara Sue Vega
Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction and in no way intended to assert actual facts about any of the persons or institutions referenced herein. Additionally, it is not endorsed or in any way approved of by the creators or publishers of Liberality For All. In fact, they would almost certainly be appalled by what I've done here.
"It's bulletproof... but you're not." Sean ruefully recalled Oscar's words as he ran down the alleyway. Blood dripped through the fingers of his bionic arm as he tried to stanch the flow from the wound in his flesh-and-blood arm.
"Oscar! G-Man! Anybody home?" he barked into his headset. No answer. He swore under his breath, remembering the top-secret memo he'd intercepted about UN tests of satellite communication jamming systems.
Sean knew he had to get out of here, and fast, but with two blown tires on his truck and no ground support, it was going to be difficult. He stopped short at the mouth of the alley and peered out at the narrow street. He could hear the sirens of the UN troopers in the distance, but so far the coast was clear. He stepped out onto the sidewalk, looking for a car old enough to have a hotwireable ignition. He didn't see one, and inwardly cursed the Begley Act that had relegated internal-combustion vehicles to the scrapheap.
A late-model Prius was trundling up the street. Sean gritted his teeth. He didn't want to involve civilians unless it was absolutely necessary, but it was looking more necessary by the second. He ducked back into the alley and watched as the car rolled quietly toward him. When it was nearly abeam the alley, Sean stepped out in front of it. The driver hit the brakes, and Sean ran around to the passenger's side, prepared to rip the door handle open, but it was unlocked. Wondering if he was being set up, he climbed in. "Go!" he yelled.
The driver turned to look at him. "Not until you fasten your lap belt and shut the door."
Sean's eye widened. "Alan?"
"Who the hell else wouldn't have run you over for that stunt?" Alan looked at the gaping hole in Sean's arm. "What happened to you?"
"I got shot," Sean said as he pulled the car door closed.
"With what, a Howitzer?"
Sean shook his head. "I'll be fine if I can just keep from bleeding to death before the nanobots can repair this."
"Here, let me see," Alan said as he hastily undid his tie. Sean held his arm out and let Alan wrap the tie tightly around it in a makeshift bandage. When he was satisfied that Sean wasn't going to bleed out in his passenger seat, Alan hit the accelerator. "I guess I can let you slide on the seat belt. So, where am I taking you?"
"The docks."
"That's halfway across the island. You need to go to the ER."
"You know I can't do that."
Alan sighed. "Okay, then you're coming to my place. It's only ten minutes away. I've got an emergency kit. I should be able to clean you up."
"Fine, just get us out of here." Sean slumped down in the seat, looking out the window for any oncoming UN gendarmes. "What are you doing in this neighborhood, anyway?"
"I used to live around here, a million years ago. There's a really good Mediterranean place. That's my lunch you're stepping on, by the way."
Sean looked down and saw a recycled-paper grocery sack by his feet. "Sorry." He shifted his legs. "Anything good?"
"Baba ganoush and a falafel sandwich."
"So in other words, no."
"Some of us like to broaden our culinary horizons."
"Shit!"
"It's not that bad."
"Not that." Sean pointed up ahead. "Roadblock."
"Okay, we'll go this way." Alan turned onto a side street.
"It's no use. They'll have a six-block radius staked out."
"Okay, then get in the trunk." Alan stopped the car and pushed the trunk release.
"Are you kidding?" Sean gestured toward the blood that was all over the left side of his seat.
"I'll think of something. Just get in the trunk."
"I don't know about this," grumbled Sean as he opened the door.
"Where are your chances better, in here or out there?"
"Point," said Sean. He got out and folded himself into the Prius's cargo bay, pulling the hatchback closed behind him. He felt the car lurch as Alan turned back onto the main street.
An agonizingly long time later, they slowed to a stop. He could hear Alan rolling the window down, and then conversation, muffled through the back seat.
"Identification, please."
A pause.
"Monsieur Colmes... what's that all over your seat?"
"Barbecue sauce."
"Is that so?"
"Yes, it's so. I had a hankering for some tofu short ribs and I got the sauce on the side and I lost my grip on the bag while I was getting into the car. Now, are we done here?"
"Perhaps you will show me these alleged 'tofu short ribs'?"
"Perhaps I will not, asshole. Do you know who I am? Do you want to spend the rest of your career busting bacon bootleggers in Idaho?"
Another pause. Sean clenched his teeth, held his breath.
"Merci for your time, sir. You are free to go."
They were moving again. After what felt like half a block, Sean exhaled.
"You still alive back there?" Alan called from the front.
"Yeah. That was great. I've never seen you be such a hardass."
"I just asked myself, 'What would Bill O'Reilly do?'"
Sean tried not to bump his arm on anything as he laughed.
Eventually the light that seeped through the cargo cover faded from white to a dingy yellow and the texture of the pavement smoothed out. The car came to a stop and the electric motor clicked off, and then Alan was unlocking the trunk, his jacket over his arm and a baseball cap in his hand. "Does that thing collapse?" He gestured toward Sean's shoulder antenna as Sean climbed out.
"Yeah." Sean folded the antenna out of sight and let Alan drape the jacket over his shoulders. He smiled at the Hannity & Colmes logo on the cap. "Isn't this contraband?"
"Nope, it's nostalgia."
"Do you miss it?" Sean asked as they walked to the elevator and Alan hit the button for the top floor.
"The show?"
"Everything."
"Sometimes." There was a tinge of bittersweetness to Alan's smile. "I miss you. It gets pretty boring when people always agree with me."
"Careful, I think that's sedition these days."
Alan sighed. "It's not all bad."
"Unless you're a conservative."
"It's not right what they're doing to you. It's never been right. But weren't you the one who always thought the ends justified the means?"
"Only when it was the good guys doing bad things."
"Sean, a lot of people think we are the good guys now. People who didn't think we were before."
"Yeah, well, you know what Ben Franklin said about people who were willing to trade liberty for security."
"Yeah, and I also remember what de Toqueville said about getting the government we deserve."
Before he could reply, Sean was interrupted by Oscar's voice in his earpiece. "Sean! Where the hell are you?"
"It's all right. I'm at a safe house."
"What? What safe house? Have you been captured?"
"No, I'm fine. I'm with an old friend."
"What's the password?"
"Howard Roark." It was their pre-arranged signal that he hadn't been compromised.
"You need a lift?"
"Not right now. I'll call you in a couple hours, okay? And if you can, try and rescue my truck from the warehouse, if it hasn't been impounded yet."
"Will do."
"Hannity out."
Oscar acknowledged with two clicks of the transmitter.
"Was that the rest of the A-Team?" Alas asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Something like that." Sean eyed him warily. "You're not going to bust me, are you?"
Alan rolled his eyes. "Sean, if I were, wouldn't I have done it when I had the chance?"
"Yeah... sorry, being America's Most Wanted makes you a little paranoid."
"You know, you don't have to live like this."
"I do if I want to live at all."
"Turn yourself in. Do it on my show. Hell, I bet I could talk the network into hiring you as my sidekick. The Ministry wouldn't touch you then. They wouldn't dare."
Sean shook his head. "I wouldn't be able to live with myself."
Alan opened his mouth to reply but then the elevator stopped on their floor. "Here's our exit," he said.
Sean followed Alan into his spacious, modern apartment. "Nice place."
"It's eco-friendly."
"Of course it is." Sean rolled his eye.
"Don't knock it. Air quality is up fifty percent in the last ten years."
"And maybe it would be a hundred percent if it weren't for all you liberals always spewing hot air," Sean smiled.
Alan laughed. "God, I've missed you." He led Sean into the bathroom and retrieved the first aid kit from the closet. He set the kit down on the edge of the spa tub and gestured toward Sean's jacket. "That's going to have to come off."
"I don't know how I feel about this," Sean grumbled as Alan helped him out of his jacket and t-shirt.
"Don't worry," said Alan, easing Sean onto his knees by the tub, "I'm not going to try and kiss it better." He washed his hands, then moved Sean's arm so the wound was over the tub and paused, his hand on the knot in Sean's makeshift bandage. "Do you want some Vicodin? This might sting."
Sean shook his head. "It can't be that much worse than it feels already. And what are you doing with Vicodin?"
"Relax, I had a root canal a couple months ago." He undid the knot and unwrapped his tie from Sean's arm. Sean winced. "Sorry."
"It's okay."
"Sure you don't want any painkillers?"
"Yeah. Just get it over with." Sean gritted his teeth as Alan rinsed the wound with antiseptic solution.
"Would it help if I said this hurts me more than it hurts you?" Alan tore open the package on a Hydrogel dressing.
Sean chuckled nervously. "Nice to see you're just as much of a bleeding-heart as always."
"You're lucky I am, or you might still be bleeding all over the street." He placed the dressing carefully on Sean's arm. "Okay, you can breathe now."
Sean exhaled. "That wasn't so bad."
"Maybe I should have been a doctor."
"Even with universal health care?"
"It's supposed to be a calling, not a profit motive."
"But profit doesn't hurt."
Alan rolled his eyes. "That's a debate for another time." He put the emergency kit away and rinsed Sean's blood down the drain.
Sean rested his head on his other arm, watching him. "You should probably bleach that. You know, get rid of the DNA evidence."
"I'm not too worried. If that cop suspected anything, they would have kicked my door in by now."
"'Barbecue sauce.'" Sean smiled. "Sorry about your interior."
"Nothing some seat covers won't fix." He tossed the bandage wrapper in the trash and held his hand out to help Sean to his feet. "So now what? Are you going to disappear into the night?"
"You mind if I rest here for a while?"
"Mi casa es su casa." He held up his hand. "And don't even think about saying something like 'this is America, speak English'."
"Spoilsport."
"I'll enlighten you if it's the last thing I ever do."
"Not if I Hannitize you first."
Alan laughed. "Sean, we've both had thirty years to try. Nice to meet you, Irresistable Force. You can call me Immovable Object."
Sean smiled as Alan led him to the bedroom. "'Irresistable Force.' Too bad my ragtag band of freedom fighters already has a name."
"It does have a certain flair, doesn't it? In a sort of seedy adventure-romance kind of way."
Sean snickered, sitting down on the bed and pulling his boots off. "Adventure, we got. Romance, not so much."
"The ladies don't flock to rogue conservatives?"
"Just one. It was a moment of weakness for both of us. And we didn't even go all the way. She's saving herself for marriage." He paused. "Why am I telling you this?"
Alan gaped at him. "Once? In fifteen years?"
"Longer than that. Anyway, you say that like it's necessary to life or something."
"It is!"
Sean smiled, stretching out on the bed. "You liberals, always so sex-crazed."
"It's not just us. Ever heard the phrase 'denial promotes obsession'?"
"I've got more important ways to channel my energy."
"So if you just got laid more often, you'd quit trying to overthrow the government?"
"It's a higher calling." He closed his eye. After a second, he opened it again and said, "Maybe you'd better give me some of that Vicodin after all."
Alan opened the bedside table drawer, took out a pill bottle and loosened the lid before handing it to Sean. "Start with one. Hang on, I'll get you some water."
"That's okay." Sean dry-swallowed one of the tablets and set the bottle back on the nightstand.
"You should probably drink a little anyway. You've lost a fair amount of fluid." Alan left the room and came back with a tumbler full of water.
Sean indulged him, draining half the glass before lying back down. The pill was starting to kick in. He dimly perceived Alan slipping his eye patch off, removing his headset and pulling a blanket over him before he drifted off to sleep.
***
As Sean swam back to consciousness, the first thing he noticed was that he was in a soft, comfortable bed instead of on a military-grade mattress. He had a moment of wondering if the last fifteen years had been a dream and then he opened his eyes and realized that he still only had one eye to open, and that Alan Colmes was sitting on the other side of the bed, doing a crossword puzzle.
Alan looked over at him. "Hey," he said, "how's the patient?"
Sean moved his arm experimentally. "I think the nanobots are repairing it."
Alan put his newspaper down and turned to Sean. "In two hours?"
"Oscar's a genius, what can I say?"
"And I thought our biotech guys were good."
"Yeah, well, I guess you could say I'm kind of a lab rat."
Alan ran his fingers over Sean's bionic arm. "Is this an experiment-in-progress?"
"It's the latest model. Oscar tried to explain how it works. I couldn't really make much sense of it, but the end result is, it feels real to me. Except that it can transmit a radio signal at a hundred kilowatts and knock out a room full of stormtroopers with an EMP. And rip holes in sheet metal."
"You're not going to go Maximum Overdrive and kill us all, are you?" Alan's fingertips brushed over the glowing LED plate.
"Don't worry, there's only one guy on my hit list."
"I probably don't want to know, do I?"
"It might be safer for you if you don't."
Alan smiled, tracing the contour of Sean's arm from his elbow to his wrist. "So this feels like I'm really touching you?"
"Yeah." Sean felt himself blush. "In fact, it's making me a little uncomfortable."
Alan laughed, stroking a zigzag pattern across Sean's palm with his fingertip. "Homophobia is so 1999."
"I'm not a homophobe! I just..."
"Haven't had human contact in so long you don't know how to deal with it?"
"Yeah. No! I don't know..." Sean sighed.
"Living like this really isn't healthy," said Alan, caressing Sean's fingers with his own.
"I just think of myself as a priest. A warrior priest of freedom."
Alan rolled his eyes. "I'm not sure that's the best example of celibacy being a good thing."
"I'm fine." Sean shifted his legs under the blanket, hoping Alan wouldn't notice just how much of an effect his touch was having.
"You sure?" Alan raised an eyebrow.
"Yes! Now will you stop trying to tempt me into committing unnatural acts?"
"Are you admitting it's tempting?" Alan smiled, taking Sean's robotic hand in his.
Sean groaned. "You're the Devil incarnate, aren't you?"
"No, and you're not Jesus, either. If fooling around with a grown man is the worst sin you ever commit, I'd say you're doing pretty good."
"I thought you sensitive new-age guys were supposed to take no for an answer."
"Maybe if you actually said no." Alan leaned down and kissed Sean, softly but insistently.
Sean moaned low in his throat, his heart beating faster as Alan slipped his tongue into Sean's mouth and ran his free hand down Sean's bare chest. His fingers teased at Sean's nipple and Sean gasped, clutching at Alan's hand.
Alan winced and stopped kissing Sean long enough to say, "I'm gonna need that hand back at some point."
Sean loosened his grip. "Sorry."
Alan smiled, nibbling on Sean's lips. "I'm just glad you weren't grabbing something else." Alan kissed Sean's chin, nuzzled his throat.
"You have a gutter mind, you know that?" Sean inhaled sharply as Alan nipped at a sensitive spot on his neck.
"I'm just not as repressed as you." Alan licked at Sean's collarbone.
"I'm not repressed." Sean gulped, closing his eye and clenching his teeth as Alan's hand slid under the blanket to undo Sean's zipper.
"Mmm hmm," Alan murmured, his tongue tracing a line down Sean's chest. "That's why you haven't had sex in so long that I'm starting to look good."
"Well, if I had to do it with a guy, I guess it would be you."
Alan laughed, kissing Sean's stomach. "You'd pick me over Ronald Reagan? I'm flattered."
"Hey, some things are sacred." He bit his lip when Alan slid his jeans and boxer-briefs down and licked at his hipbone.
"Sacredness is overrated," smiled Alan. He teased Sean's erection with his hand, brushing his fingertips over the shaft in whisper-light strokes, circling the tip with his thumb.
"Yeah, don't I know it," gasped Sean as Alan took a long slow lick up the underside of his cock.
"Sean, if you go on a diatribe about Godless liberals while I'm trying to give you a blowjob, I'm gonna spank you."
Sean laughed breathlessly.
Just then his headset squawked from the nightstand. "Sean! If you can hear me, pick up!"
"Hold that thought," Sean groaned. "I have to take this." He grabbed the headset and held it up to his ear. "I'm here! What's up?"
"Oh, thank Allah!" said Oscar. "I got a spike in your vital signs! Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," gasped Sean. Alan wasn't making it easy for him to talk in sentences that didn't contain the words "fuck" or "yes". "I took a hit and I'm recuperating."
"What do you mean, you took a hit?" Oscar was getting that tone to his voice that meant Sean was in for it as soon as he got back to base.
Sean bit back a moan as Alan engulfed him in his mouth. "It's nothing, okay? I just need a little R and R. Look, turn off the monitors for -" he stopped himself before saying the next few minutes - "until I call you, okay?"
"You sure you're all right?"
"Yes!" cried Sean. He wasn't sure if he was talking to Oscar or to Alan. "I'm hanging up now." He threw the headset back on the nightstand, closed his eye and let Alan have his way with him.
Alan's mouth was hot and wet and eager, and Sean was so excited he was trembling. He clutched at Alan's shoulder with his bionic arm as Alan worked his lips and tongue up and down on Sean's cock. Alan was good at this, he was damn good, better than the girl from the wrong side of the tracks who had taken Sean's virginity nearly half a century ago, way better than Diana, and the thought made him feel dirty but feeling dirty just turned him on even more. Alan swirled his tongue around the head of Sean's cock and Sean clenched his teeth, trying to hold on. He forgot about bin Laden, forgot about the UN, forgot about the gunshot wound in his arm, forgot about everything except the sensation of Alan's mouth on him. Sean moaned, close to the edge. Alan wrapped his hand around the shaft and moved it in time with his mouth, squeezing hard, sucking hard, and then Sean was going over the edge, arching his back, thrusting his hips, crying out as he came into Alan's mouth.
Alan didn't let Sean go until he'd wrung every last shudder of his climax from him. Finally Sean's grip on his shoulder loosened and Sean's arm dropped to the bed as he caught his breath. Alan tucked him back into his pants and kissed and licked his way back up Sean's body, pausing to take a drink from the half-empty glass by the bed before nibbling on Sean's earlobe. "See," whispered Alan in Sean's ear, "isn't it more fun to just give in to temptation?"
"Mmmmm," Sean smiled, "I'm gonna be saying Hail Marys for a week."
"What's that they say? 'It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission'?"
Sean groaned. "Don't encourage this depravity."
"So what kind of depravity should I encourage?" Alan licked Sean's earlobe as he ground his hips against him, making Sean acutely aware of the other man's need.
"I don't know," said Sean, his heart starting to race again. "What did you have in mind?"
Alan grinned wickedly, running his hand over Sean's bionic arm. "Can you be gentle with this?"
Sean laughed. "Oh my God, you are the freakiest bastard I've ever met in my life."
"But you kind of like it, don't you?" Alan kissed Sean's jawline, the corner of his mouth. He whispered, "Can I kiss you?"
"Oh, now you want to ask permission?" Sean turned his head to capture Alan's mouth with his own, eagerly parting his lips to meet Alan's tongue, feeling a jolt of arousal at the lingering taste of his own essence.
He had enough strength back in his injured arm to roll the two of them over so that Alan was on his back, Sean stretched out on his side next to him. Sean ran one metal finger up the zipper on Alan's pants, feeling the hot, hard flesh underneath. Alan groaned, burying his hand in Sean's hair, kissing him hard. Sean unzipped Alan's fly and slipped his hand inside the other man's boxers, running his fingers over Alan's erection. Alan inhaled sharply and Sean broke away from their kiss to ask, "Is this all right?"
"Yeah," Alan gasped, "it's just... different."
"Do you want me to use my other hand?"
"No." Alan pulled Sean back down to kiss him again.
Sean explored Alan's mouth with his tongue as he traced every inch Alan's cock with his fingers, Alan responding with clipped, moaning gasps every time Sean touched a particularly sensitive spot. Sean teased at Alan's lips with his own, whispering, "What does it feel like?"
Alan smiled. "Like I'm getting a handjob from a robot."
"You are." He nipped at Alan's lower lip.
"It's cold..." Alan's breathing quickened as Sean's fingertip circled the head of his cock. "But it's nice, in a weird way. Maybe because I know you're on the other end."
"I bet you can warm me up a little," Sean murmured, his lips brushing softly over Alan's. He gripped Alan's shaft, not moving his hand, just holding the other man's erection as he kissed him. "How's this?" He slid his hand slowly up and down.
"Better." Alan clutched at Sean's hair, meeting his lips for another kiss.
Sean worked his hand on Alan's erection, stroking faster. He stopped just long enough to lick his hand and return it to Alan's cock, and he could tell by the way Alan moaned that the slick glide of the smooth metal on his skin felt good. He quickened his pace. Alan was kissing him hungrily, thrusting his tongue into Sean's mouth, his grip almost painful on Sean's hair. Sean could feel his own cock stirring back to life. He hadn't felt this aroused in years. He wrapped his leg around Alan's, letting his hardening cock rub against Alan's hip as he moved.
Alan thrust into Sean's grasp as he climaxed, groaning against Sean's lips, whispering Sean's name. "God, that was incredible," he sighed, stroking Sean's hair. His eyes flicked toward Sean's waist. "You're incredible," he grinned.
"Ain't science great?" Sean smiled.
"Sure is," said Alan. He looked back up at Sean's face. "I want to watch you."
"Watch me...? Oh." Sean licked his lips and unzipped his fly, feeling a hot flush creeping over him.
"How does it feel for you?" Alan asked, watching as Sean stroked himself with his bionic hand.
"Real," said Sean, lying back and closing his eye. He took his time, caressing slowly, letting the intensity build as he thought about Alan looking at him. When the excitement was almost too much, he finished himself off with a few quick, hard strokes, biting his lip as he came. He looked up to see Alan watching him, a contented half-smile on his face.
Alan ran his hand through Sean's hair, brushed his fingers down the side of Sean's face. "You're so beautiful."
Sean chuckled, his lips twisting into a wry smile. "Except for a few minor defects," he said, waving his hand to indicate his missing eye and artificial arm.
"Barely noticeable," smiled Alan, leaning down to kiss Sean gently. "I don't know if I want to let you go," he whispered in Sean's ear.
"You're gonna have to," Sean sighed. "I've got bad guys to stop and a country to save."
"Anything I can do to help?"
"Can I trust you?"
"Sean," Alan said reproachfully.
"Okay," Sean conceded, "but can you stand up to torture if you get busted for fraternizing with the enemy?"
"Nobody's going to torture me. What's going on?"
"It's bin Laden. He's going to blow up the Unity Tower tomorrow."
Alan shook his head. "You're kidding."
"I know it beyond a shadow of a doubt."
"But he's been a model citizen for years! He's a UN ambassador, for Christ's sake!"
"He's got a suitcase nuke. I've seen it."
"Can you prove it?"
"I can tomorrow."
"Get me proof and I'll put it on the air myself."
"You'd do that for me?"
"Of course."
"Even if means the end of your liberal Utopia?"
"It's not that Utopian," said Alan, running his hand down Sean's arm, taking Sean's hand in his. "I think I've known that all along." He gave Sean's hand a squeeze. "We used to have something. Something good. Maybe we can again."
"You mean the USA, or you and me?"
"Both." Alan kissed Sean, long and hard. "Now go save America."
-end-
Human Touch
by
Dara Sue Vega
Disclaimer: The following is a work of fiction and in no way intended to assert actual facts about any of the persons or institutions referenced herein. Additionally, it is not endorsed or in any way approved of by the creators or publishers of Liberality For All. In fact, they would almost certainly be appalled by what I've done here.
"It's bulletproof... but you're not." Sean ruefully recalled Oscar's words as he ran down the alleyway. Blood dripped through the fingers of his bionic arm as he tried to stanch the flow from the wound in his flesh-and-blood arm.
"Oscar! G-Man! Anybody home?" he barked into his headset. No answer. He swore under his breath, remembering the top-secret memo he'd intercepted about UN tests of satellite communication jamming systems.
Sean knew he had to get out of here, and fast, but with two blown tires on his truck and no ground support, it was going to be difficult. He stopped short at the mouth of the alley and peered out at the narrow street. He could hear the sirens of the UN troopers in the distance, but so far the coast was clear. He stepped out onto the sidewalk, looking for a car old enough to have a hotwireable ignition. He didn't see one, and inwardly cursed the Begley Act that had relegated internal-combustion vehicles to the scrapheap.
A late-model Prius was trundling up the street. Sean gritted his teeth. He didn't want to involve civilians unless it was absolutely necessary, but it was looking more necessary by the second. He ducked back into the alley and watched as the car rolled quietly toward him. When it was nearly abeam the alley, Sean stepped out in front of it. The driver hit the brakes, and Sean ran around to the passenger's side, prepared to rip the door handle open, but it was unlocked. Wondering if he was being set up, he climbed in. "Go!" he yelled.
The driver turned to look at him. "Not until you fasten your lap belt and shut the door."
Sean's eye widened. "Alan?"
"Who the hell else wouldn't have run you over for that stunt?" Alan looked at the gaping hole in Sean's arm. "What happened to you?"
"I got shot," Sean said as he pulled the car door closed.
"With what, a Howitzer?"
Sean shook his head. "I'll be fine if I can just keep from bleeding to death before the nanobots can repair this."
"Here, let me see," Alan said as he hastily undid his tie. Sean held his arm out and let Alan wrap the tie tightly around it in a makeshift bandage. When he was satisfied that Sean wasn't going to bleed out in his passenger seat, Alan hit the accelerator. "I guess I can let you slide on the seat belt. So, where am I taking you?"
"The docks."
"That's halfway across the island. You need to go to the ER."
"You know I can't do that."
Alan sighed. "Okay, then you're coming to my place. It's only ten minutes away. I've got an emergency kit. I should be able to clean you up."
"Fine, just get us out of here." Sean slumped down in the seat, looking out the window for any oncoming UN gendarmes. "What are you doing in this neighborhood, anyway?"
"I used to live around here, a million years ago. There's a really good Mediterranean place. That's my lunch you're stepping on, by the way."
Sean looked down and saw a recycled-paper grocery sack by his feet. "Sorry." He shifted his legs. "Anything good?"
"Baba ganoush and a falafel sandwich."
"So in other words, no."
"Some of us like to broaden our culinary horizons."
"Shit!"
"It's not that bad."
"Not that." Sean pointed up ahead. "Roadblock."
"Okay, we'll go this way." Alan turned onto a side street.
"It's no use. They'll have a six-block radius staked out."
"Okay, then get in the trunk." Alan stopped the car and pushed the trunk release.
"Are you kidding?" Sean gestured toward the blood that was all over the left side of his seat.
"I'll think of something. Just get in the trunk."
"I don't know about this," grumbled Sean as he opened the door.
"Where are your chances better, in here or out there?"
"Point," said Sean. He got out and folded himself into the Prius's cargo bay, pulling the hatchback closed behind him. He felt the car lurch as Alan turned back onto the main street.
An agonizingly long time later, they slowed to a stop. He could hear Alan rolling the window down, and then conversation, muffled through the back seat.
"Identification, please."
A pause.
"Monsieur Colmes... what's that all over your seat?"
"Barbecue sauce."
"Is that so?"
"Yes, it's so. I had a hankering for some tofu short ribs and I got the sauce on the side and I lost my grip on the bag while I was getting into the car. Now, are we done here?"
"Perhaps you will show me these alleged 'tofu short ribs'?"
"Perhaps I will not, asshole. Do you know who I am? Do you want to spend the rest of your career busting bacon bootleggers in Idaho?"
Another pause. Sean clenched his teeth, held his breath.
"Merci for your time, sir. You are free to go."
They were moving again. After what felt like half a block, Sean exhaled.
"You still alive back there?" Alan called from the front.
"Yeah. That was great. I've never seen you be such a hardass."
"I just asked myself, 'What would Bill O'Reilly do?'"
Sean tried not to bump his arm on anything as he laughed.
Eventually the light that seeped through the cargo cover faded from white to a dingy yellow and the texture of the pavement smoothed out. The car came to a stop and the electric motor clicked off, and then Alan was unlocking the trunk, his jacket over his arm and a baseball cap in his hand. "Does that thing collapse?" He gestured toward Sean's shoulder antenna as Sean climbed out.
"Yeah." Sean folded the antenna out of sight and let Alan drape the jacket over his shoulders. He smiled at the Hannity & Colmes logo on the cap. "Isn't this contraband?"
"Nope, it's nostalgia."
"Do you miss it?" Sean asked as they walked to the elevator and Alan hit the button for the top floor.
"The show?"
"Everything."
"Sometimes." There was a tinge of bittersweetness to Alan's smile. "I miss you. It gets pretty boring when people always agree with me."
"Careful, I think that's sedition these days."
Alan sighed. "It's not all bad."
"Unless you're a conservative."
"It's not right what they're doing to you. It's never been right. But weren't you the one who always thought the ends justified the means?"
"Only when it was the good guys doing bad things."
"Sean, a lot of people think we are the good guys now. People who didn't think we were before."
"Yeah, well, you know what Ben Franklin said about people who were willing to trade liberty for security."
"Yeah, and I also remember what de Toqueville said about getting the government we deserve."
Before he could reply, Sean was interrupted by Oscar's voice in his earpiece. "Sean! Where the hell are you?"
"It's all right. I'm at a safe house."
"What? What safe house? Have you been captured?"
"No, I'm fine. I'm with an old friend."
"What's the password?"
"Howard Roark." It was their pre-arranged signal that he hadn't been compromised.
"You need a lift?"
"Not right now. I'll call you in a couple hours, okay? And if you can, try and rescue my truck from the warehouse, if it hasn't been impounded yet."
"Will do."
"Hannity out."
Oscar acknowledged with two clicks of the transmitter.
"Was that the rest of the A-Team?" Alas asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Something like that." Sean eyed him warily. "You're not going to bust me, are you?"
Alan rolled his eyes. "Sean, if I were, wouldn't I have done it when I had the chance?"
"Yeah... sorry, being America's Most Wanted makes you a little paranoid."
"You know, you don't have to live like this."
"I do if I want to live at all."
"Turn yourself in. Do it on my show. Hell, I bet I could talk the network into hiring you as my sidekick. The Ministry wouldn't touch you then. They wouldn't dare."
Sean shook his head. "I wouldn't be able to live with myself."
Alan opened his mouth to reply but then the elevator stopped on their floor. "Here's our exit," he said.
Sean followed Alan into his spacious, modern apartment. "Nice place."
"It's eco-friendly."
"Of course it is." Sean rolled his eye.
"Don't knock it. Air quality is up fifty percent in the last ten years."
"And maybe it would be a hundred percent if it weren't for all you liberals always spewing hot air," Sean smiled.
Alan laughed. "God, I've missed you." He led Sean into the bathroom and retrieved the first aid kit from the closet. He set the kit down on the edge of the spa tub and gestured toward Sean's jacket. "That's going to have to come off."
"I don't know how I feel about this," Sean grumbled as Alan helped him out of his jacket and t-shirt.
"Don't worry," said Alan, easing Sean onto his knees by the tub, "I'm not going to try and kiss it better." He washed his hands, then moved Sean's arm so the wound was over the tub and paused, his hand on the knot in Sean's makeshift bandage. "Do you want some Vicodin? This might sting."
Sean shook his head. "It can't be that much worse than it feels already. And what are you doing with Vicodin?"
"Relax, I had a root canal a couple months ago." He undid the knot and unwrapped his tie from Sean's arm. Sean winced. "Sorry."
"It's okay."
"Sure you don't want any painkillers?"
"Yeah. Just get it over with." Sean gritted his teeth as Alan rinsed the wound with antiseptic solution.
"Would it help if I said this hurts me more than it hurts you?" Alan tore open the package on a Hydrogel dressing.
Sean chuckled nervously. "Nice to see you're just as much of a bleeding-heart as always."
"You're lucky I am, or you might still be bleeding all over the street." He placed the dressing carefully on Sean's arm. "Okay, you can breathe now."
Sean exhaled. "That wasn't so bad."
"Maybe I should have been a doctor."
"Even with universal health care?"
"It's supposed to be a calling, not a profit motive."
"But profit doesn't hurt."
Alan rolled his eyes. "That's a debate for another time." He put the emergency kit away and rinsed Sean's blood down the drain.
Sean rested his head on his other arm, watching him. "You should probably bleach that. You know, get rid of the DNA evidence."
"I'm not too worried. If that cop suspected anything, they would have kicked my door in by now."
"'Barbecue sauce.'" Sean smiled. "Sorry about your interior."
"Nothing some seat covers won't fix." He tossed the bandage wrapper in the trash and held his hand out to help Sean to his feet. "So now what? Are you going to disappear into the night?"
"You mind if I rest here for a while?"
"Mi casa es su casa." He held up his hand. "And don't even think about saying something like 'this is America, speak English'."
"Spoilsport."
"I'll enlighten you if it's the last thing I ever do."
"Not if I Hannitize you first."
Alan laughed. "Sean, we've both had thirty years to try. Nice to meet you, Irresistable Force. You can call me Immovable Object."
Sean smiled as Alan led him to the bedroom. "'Irresistable Force.' Too bad my ragtag band of freedom fighters already has a name."
"It does have a certain flair, doesn't it? In a sort of seedy adventure-romance kind of way."
Sean snickered, sitting down on the bed and pulling his boots off. "Adventure, we got. Romance, not so much."
"The ladies don't flock to rogue conservatives?"
"Just one. It was a moment of weakness for both of us. And we didn't even go all the way. She's saving herself for marriage." He paused. "Why am I telling you this?"
Alan gaped at him. "Once? In fifteen years?"
"Longer than that. Anyway, you say that like it's necessary to life or something."
"It is!"
Sean smiled, stretching out on the bed. "You liberals, always so sex-crazed."
"It's not just us. Ever heard the phrase 'denial promotes obsession'?"
"I've got more important ways to channel my energy."
"So if you just got laid more often, you'd quit trying to overthrow the government?"
"It's a higher calling." He closed his eye. After a second, he opened it again and said, "Maybe you'd better give me some of that Vicodin after all."
Alan opened the bedside table drawer, took out a pill bottle and loosened the lid before handing it to Sean. "Start with one. Hang on, I'll get you some water."
"That's okay." Sean dry-swallowed one of the tablets and set the bottle back on the nightstand.
"You should probably drink a little anyway. You've lost a fair amount of fluid." Alan left the room and came back with a tumbler full of water.
Sean indulged him, draining half the glass before lying back down. The pill was starting to kick in. He dimly perceived Alan slipping his eye patch off, removing his headset and pulling a blanket over him before he drifted off to sleep.
***
As Sean swam back to consciousness, the first thing he noticed was that he was in a soft, comfortable bed instead of on a military-grade mattress. He had a moment of wondering if the last fifteen years had been a dream and then he opened his eyes and realized that he still only had one eye to open, and that Alan Colmes was sitting on the other side of the bed, doing a crossword puzzle.
Alan looked over at him. "Hey," he said, "how's the patient?"
Sean moved his arm experimentally. "I think the nanobots are repairing it."
Alan put his newspaper down and turned to Sean. "In two hours?"
"Oscar's a genius, what can I say?"
"And I thought our biotech guys were good."
"Yeah, well, I guess you could say I'm kind of a lab rat."
Alan ran his fingers over Sean's bionic arm. "Is this an experiment-in-progress?"
"It's the latest model. Oscar tried to explain how it works. I couldn't really make much sense of it, but the end result is, it feels real to me. Except that it can transmit a radio signal at a hundred kilowatts and knock out a room full of stormtroopers with an EMP. And rip holes in sheet metal."
"You're not going to go Maximum Overdrive and kill us all, are you?" Alan's fingertips brushed over the glowing LED plate.
"Don't worry, there's only one guy on my hit list."
"I probably don't want to know, do I?"
"It might be safer for you if you don't."
Alan smiled, tracing the contour of Sean's arm from his elbow to his wrist. "So this feels like I'm really touching you?"
"Yeah." Sean felt himself blush. "In fact, it's making me a little uncomfortable."
Alan laughed, stroking a zigzag pattern across Sean's palm with his fingertip. "Homophobia is so 1999."
"I'm not a homophobe! I just..."
"Haven't had human contact in so long you don't know how to deal with it?"
"Yeah. No! I don't know..." Sean sighed.
"Living like this really isn't healthy," said Alan, caressing Sean's fingers with his own.
"I just think of myself as a priest. A warrior priest of freedom."
Alan rolled his eyes. "I'm not sure that's the best example of celibacy being a good thing."
"I'm fine." Sean shifted his legs under the blanket, hoping Alan wouldn't notice just how much of an effect his touch was having.
"You sure?" Alan raised an eyebrow.
"Yes! Now will you stop trying to tempt me into committing unnatural acts?"
"Are you admitting it's tempting?" Alan smiled, taking Sean's robotic hand in his.
Sean groaned. "You're the Devil incarnate, aren't you?"
"No, and you're not Jesus, either. If fooling around with a grown man is the worst sin you ever commit, I'd say you're doing pretty good."
"I thought you sensitive new-age guys were supposed to take no for an answer."
"Maybe if you actually said no." Alan leaned down and kissed Sean, softly but insistently.
Sean moaned low in his throat, his heart beating faster as Alan slipped his tongue into Sean's mouth and ran his free hand down Sean's bare chest. His fingers teased at Sean's nipple and Sean gasped, clutching at Alan's hand.
Alan winced and stopped kissing Sean long enough to say, "I'm gonna need that hand back at some point."
Sean loosened his grip. "Sorry."
Alan smiled, nibbling on Sean's lips. "I'm just glad you weren't grabbing something else." Alan kissed Sean's chin, nuzzled his throat.
"You have a gutter mind, you know that?" Sean inhaled sharply as Alan nipped at a sensitive spot on his neck.
"I'm just not as repressed as you." Alan licked at Sean's collarbone.
"I'm not repressed." Sean gulped, closing his eye and clenching his teeth as Alan's hand slid under the blanket to undo Sean's zipper.
"Mmm hmm," Alan murmured, his tongue tracing a line down Sean's chest. "That's why you haven't had sex in so long that I'm starting to look good."
"Well, if I had to do it with a guy, I guess it would be you."
Alan laughed, kissing Sean's stomach. "You'd pick me over Ronald Reagan? I'm flattered."
"Hey, some things are sacred." He bit his lip when Alan slid his jeans and boxer-briefs down and licked at his hipbone.
"Sacredness is overrated," smiled Alan. He teased Sean's erection with his hand, brushing his fingertips over the shaft in whisper-light strokes, circling the tip with his thumb.
"Yeah, don't I know it," gasped Sean as Alan took a long slow lick up the underside of his cock.
"Sean, if you go on a diatribe about Godless liberals while I'm trying to give you a blowjob, I'm gonna spank you."
Sean laughed breathlessly.
Just then his headset squawked from the nightstand. "Sean! If you can hear me, pick up!"
"Hold that thought," Sean groaned. "I have to take this." He grabbed the headset and held it up to his ear. "I'm here! What's up?"
"Oh, thank Allah!" said Oscar. "I got a spike in your vital signs! Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," gasped Sean. Alan wasn't making it easy for him to talk in sentences that didn't contain the words "fuck" or "yes". "I took a hit and I'm recuperating."
"What do you mean, you took a hit?" Oscar was getting that tone to his voice that meant Sean was in for it as soon as he got back to base.
Sean bit back a moan as Alan engulfed him in his mouth. "It's nothing, okay? I just need a little R and R. Look, turn off the monitors for -" he stopped himself before saying the next few minutes - "until I call you, okay?"
"You sure you're all right?"
"Yes!" cried Sean. He wasn't sure if he was talking to Oscar or to Alan. "I'm hanging up now." He threw the headset back on the nightstand, closed his eye and let Alan have his way with him.
Alan's mouth was hot and wet and eager, and Sean was so excited he was trembling. He clutched at Alan's shoulder with his bionic arm as Alan worked his lips and tongue up and down on Sean's cock. Alan was good at this, he was damn good, better than the girl from the wrong side of the tracks who had taken Sean's virginity nearly half a century ago, way better than Diana, and the thought made him feel dirty but feeling dirty just turned him on even more. Alan swirled his tongue around the head of Sean's cock and Sean clenched his teeth, trying to hold on. He forgot about bin Laden, forgot about the UN, forgot about the gunshot wound in his arm, forgot about everything except the sensation of Alan's mouth on him. Sean moaned, close to the edge. Alan wrapped his hand around the shaft and moved it in time with his mouth, squeezing hard, sucking hard, and then Sean was going over the edge, arching his back, thrusting his hips, crying out as he came into Alan's mouth.
Alan didn't let Sean go until he'd wrung every last shudder of his climax from him. Finally Sean's grip on his shoulder loosened and Sean's arm dropped to the bed as he caught his breath. Alan tucked him back into his pants and kissed and licked his way back up Sean's body, pausing to take a drink from the half-empty glass by the bed before nibbling on Sean's earlobe. "See," whispered Alan in Sean's ear, "isn't it more fun to just give in to temptation?"
"Mmmmm," Sean smiled, "I'm gonna be saying Hail Marys for a week."
"What's that they say? 'It's easier to ask forgiveness than permission'?"
Sean groaned. "Don't encourage this depravity."
"So what kind of depravity should I encourage?" Alan licked Sean's earlobe as he ground his hips against him, making Sean acutely aware of the other man's need.
"I don't know," said Sean, his heart starting to race again. "What did you have in mind?"
Alan grinned wickedly, running his hand over Sean's bionic arm. "Can you be gentle with this?"
Sean laughed. "Oh my God, you are the freakiest bastard I've ever met in my life."
"But you kind of like it, don't you?" Alan kissed Sean's jawline, the corner of his mouth. He whispered, "Can I kiss you?"
"Oh, now you want to ask permission?" Sean turned his head to capture Alan's mouth with his own, eagerly parting his lips to meet Alan's tongue, feeling a jolt of arousal at the lingering taste of his own essence.
He had enough strength back in his injured arm to roll the two of them over so that Alan was on his back, Sean stretched out on his side next to him. Sean ran one metal finger up the zipper on Alan's pants, feeling the hot, hard flesh underneath. Alan groaned, burying his hand in Sean's hair, kissing him hard. Sean unzipped Alan's fly and slipped his hand inside the other man's boxers, running his fingers over Alan's erection. Alan inhaled sharply and Sean broke away from their kiss to ask, "Is this all right?"
"Yeah," Alan gasped, "it's just... different."
"Do you want me to use my other hand?"
"No." Alan pulled Sean back down to kiss him again.
Sean explored Alan's mouth with his tongue as he traced every inch Alan's cock with his fingers, Alan responding with clipped, moaning gasps every time Sean touched a particularly sensitive spot. Sean teased at Alan's lips with his own, whispering, "What does it feel like?"
Alan smiled. "Like I'm getting a handjob from a robot."
"You are." He nipped at Alan's lower lip.
"It's cold..." Alan's breathing quickened as Sean's fingertip circled the head of his cock. "But it's nice, in a weird way. Maybe because I know you're on the other end."
"I bet you can warm me up a little," Sean murmured, his lips brushing softly over Alan's. He gripped Alan's shaft, not moving his hand, just holding the other man's erection as he kissed him. "How's this?" He slid his hand slowly up and down.
"Better." Alan clutched at Sean's hair, meeting his lips for another kiss.
Sean worked his hand on Alan's erection, stroking faster. He stopped just long enough to lick his hand and return it to Alan's cock, and he could tell by the way Alan moaned that the slick glide of the smooth metal on his skin felt good. He quickened his pace. Alan was kissing him hungrily, thrusting his tongue into Sean's mouth, his grip almost painful on Sean's hair. Sean could feel his own cock stirring back to life. He hadn't felt this aroused in years. He wrapped his leg around Alan's, letting his hardening cock rub against Alan's hip as he moved.
Alan thrust into Sean's grasp as he climaxed, groaning against Sean's lips, whispering Sean's name. "God, that was incredible," he sighed, stroking Sean's hair. His eyes flicked toward Sean's waist. "You're incredible," he grinned.
"Ain't science great?" Sean smiled.
"Sure is," said Alan. He looked back up at Sean's face. "I want to watch you."
"Watch me...? Oh." Sean licked his lips and unzipped his fly, feeling a hot flush creeping over him.
"How does it feel for you?" Alan asked, watching as Sean stroked himself with his bionic hand.
"Real," said Sean, lying back and closing his eye. He took his time, caressing slowly, letting the intensity build as he thought about Alan looking at him. When the excitement was almost too much, he finished himself off with a few quick, hard strokes, biting his lip as he came. He looked up to see Alan watching him, a contented half-smile on his face.
Alan ran his hand through Sean's hair, brushed his fingers down the side of Sean's face. "You're so beautiful."
Sean chuckled, his lips twisting into a wry smile. "Except for a few minor defects," he said, waving his hand to indicate his missing eye and artificial arm.
"Barely noticeable," smiled Alan, leaning down to kiss Sean gently. "I don't know if I want to let you go," he whispered in Sean's ear.
"You're gonna have to," Sean sighed. "I've got bad guys to stop and a country to save."
"Anything I can do to help?"
"Can I trust you?"
"Sean," Alan said reproachfully.
"Okay," Sean conceded, "but can you stand up to torture if you get busted for fraternizing with the enemy?"
"Nobody's going to torture me. What's going on?"
"It's bin Laden. He's going to blow up the Unity Tower tomorrow."
Alan shook his head. "You're kidding."
"I know it beyond a shadow of a doubt."
"But he's been a model citizen for years! He's a UN ambassador, for Christ's sake!"
"He's got a suitcase nuke. I've seen it."
"Can you prove it?"
"I can tomorrow."
"Get me proof and I'll put it on the air myself."
"You'd do that for me?"
"Of course."
"Even if means the end of your liberal Utopia?"
"It's not that Utopian," said Alan, running his hand down Sean's arm, taking Sean's hand in his. "I think I've known that all along." He gave Sean's hand a squeeze. "We used to have something. Something good. Maybe we can again."
"You mean the USA, or you and me?"
"Both." Alan kissed Sean, long and hard. "Now go save America."
-end-