still tired

[terebi_me]

Slept through the night (more or less; was kept awake for an hour or two with strong, disturbing, violent imagery that I couldn't shake off, since I was mostly asleep. Thanks for nothin', Ambien), but still tired today; almost more so. Don't remember my dreams after I actually went to sleep.

Nice quiet night in. Rewatched Heroes premiere; enjoyed

Comments

Possibly tmi to share but I'm stuck in the suburbs while people are out having fun.

[altaego]

I can relate. I love Hey Ya.

I have various mechanisms I've used with great success over the years to avoid experiencing negative emotions. But looking at my life I see how I may have missed some lessons I might have learned through confronting some pain.

I felt incredibly emotionally fragile today and I trying to let it flow instead of push it away or seek distraction. I spent the summer not doing much work at all, but circumstances have arisen to force me to be more productive with my time.

I'm struggling mightily against a desire to become a sex addict (a vice I haven't really explored yet) since it only recently occurred to me that I am considered attractive/desirable, just as I'm about to lose it and become a crone.

allow me to get didactic, since I'm sure you already know this.

[terebi_me]

Don't become a sex addict. It's a horrible, cold, desperate way to live. I've known a few - in recovery - and their tales make me never want to have sex ever again - something that I associate with such pleasure and fun and connection, however fleeting, become something that you need just as desperately as the junkie needs his heroin. You're willing to sell your grandmother to cannibals to get to the next fix, and it just leaves you feeling worse - horrible and undesirable and unfulfilling, and the only way you even can think of to find peace is to fuck someone else.

Have sex - lots of sex with someone you love, and also with yourself. You never have to stop doing that, crone or not. But it should be something you want and like, not something you need to feel better about yourself.

Re: allow me to get didactic, since I'm sure you already know this.

[altaego]

Thanks. I wonder how long I'll be looking for something to make be feel better about myself before I either find it or decide it's not something I need.

Re: allow me to get didactic, since I'm sure you already know this.

[terebi_me]

Whatever it is, it is already inside you. You won't find it outside.

And you do need it. And you have already found it before. But it's slippery; it gets away very easily. Holding it very tightly makes it slip away even faster. When you find it again, hold it gently, like a very young puppy.