Wandering Star, Part Three
“Doctor,” Rose whispered gently.
He rubbed at his bleary eyes until her fuzzy form came into focus, her blonde hair spilling down her shoulders and hanging over his face.
“Doctor,” she said again.
“Rose?” he responded slowly, unable to believe what he was seeing. It was then that he remembered the hypercube.
“You’re not here,” he said glumly.
She shook her head sadly. “I’m just a psychic imprint,” she admitted, repeated the description that was obviously told to her by the real Time Lord.
“It was my idea,” she said quickly, sensing his trepidation. “I wanted to give you something…as a goodbye.”
“You already said that,” the Doctor snapped as he stood up to his full height. “I thought you did a bang-up job too. It only took you three minutes to slough me off and jump back into the TARDIS with him.”
Rose stared at the ground, trying to gather a response without showing the pain she obviously felt.
“I wanted you to do what he couldn’t,” she said haltingly. “I wanted a fantastic life for you.”
“My fantastic life began and ended with you!” he shouted, gathering the repressed anger and torment he’d lived through like a punch.
“I couldn’t do that and you know it!” she fought back. “I didn’t choose for you to be created, and you couldn’t ask me to choose between you like there was a choice to begin with! I belong with him!”
She was crying earnestly then, and it was all the Doctor could do not to hold her.
“But I love you as much as him,” the Doctor sobbed. “You have to understand, on the other side of your impossible decision was me. Either way you would have broken a heart, I just didn’t know it would be mine. I wanted a life with you, a real life! Children and grandchildren, your family and mine! I wanted to build us a house and share a mortgage. I wanted to grow old with you.”
He broke off, unable to continue as Rose fell to the ground with her hands over her heart. It was then that he realized she was really hearing him, really hurting from his words.
“You’re no psychic imprint,” he said with dawning comprehension. “You’re a live feed. He’s transmitting you somehow.”
Rose nodded numbly as he reached out for her, bringing her fingers to his lips, which he kissed reverently.
“An uplink acting upon your sensory memories,” Rose explained, still hiccoughing a little as she spoke. “He said it would only work on you, because you’re a fellow Time Lord. It goes through the cube somehow. I’ve forgotten the specifics, I’m sorry…”
“Don’t apologize to me,” he said intensely. “Never apologize to me. I never would have said those things if I’d know you were really hearing them, Rose. I was just angry.”
“I’m glad you said them,” Rose sniffed. “I think I deserved to hear them, as much as you deserved to say them to me. I abandoned you. I pushed all my expectations on you to look after my family and save the alternate universe from trouble.”
“I’m doing all of those things,” the Doctor said assuredly. “I love your family very much. They’ve been taking care of me more than them, I promise you that.”
Rose nearly broke again, thinking about her parents and little brother, but she held it together with fierce determination.
“I can’t stay much longer,” she said. “But I’ve got something I want to give you. Something that you deserve above all else. It’s just a tiny thing, but so full of potential.”
The Doctor stared at the profound gift she was holding in her extended hand, which turned to drop the small piece of TARDIS coral in his.
“It’s a wish,” she said softly. “One I know you’ll make come true. You’ll love again Doctor…find someone to travel with…touch the stars.”
The Doctor bit back his overpowering emotions as Rose began to disintegrate. He knew with certainty that it would be the last time he’d ever see her.
“I suppose if it’s my only chance to say it…” he whispered, repeating his words when he’d burned up a sun to say goodbye.
“I love you too, Doctor,” Rose filled in. “Don’t ever forget that.”
--
The Doctor came to in River’s tent, clutching the piece of coral to his chest. He opened his fist to glance inside and nearly shuddered in relief, even though his heart was aching after seeing Rose. The hypercube lay neglected on the table as River came in, a worried line settling over her eyebrows.
“Are you okay?” she asked. “I heard some strange sounds…”
“I’m fine,” the Doctor said tightly, jamming the coral into his coat pocket. “I was just finishing up with your remarkable find, here.”
River’s expression turned into one of relief before morphing into eager anticipation.
“And what can you tell me?” she asked as she settled in a chair next to the Doctor.
He turned his back on her, pretending to be contemplative when he felt anything but.
“It’s mail,” he revealed. “This is how my people sent messages to one another via interspace. They hone in on their recipient and deliver psychic information stored here in the central axis.”
River pondered the cube as he spoke.
“I see,” she responded. “And how does it work, exactly?”
“I’m afraid it ties into Gallifreyan physiology, so that a crash course would be necessary to understand the entire process….but essentially, think of it as a psychological email,” he replied.
River continued to marvel at the device as the Doctor lapsed into an uncharacteristic silence. When she realized he’d gone still, River rose to stand beside him, having to touch his arm to recall him.
“I’m fine,” he said tersely. “Perhaps we can talk more about it later. I’d like to be alone for awhile.”
--
River had dined alone and made her way back to the hotel, and was just slipping into bed when she heard the key turning in the lock. Her heart pounded as the Doctor walked in, light on his feet and careful not to disturb her. The light was out, but River could see him outlined in the moonlight, his face twisted with grief. He pulled a pillow off the bed and threw it on the floor, prepared to sleep on the carpet rather than crowd his companion, but River found the idea distasteful.
She sat up, holding the sheet over her silk nightdress.
“Doctor,” she beckoned. “Sleep here. You won’t survive the night down there.”
The Doctor nodded twice as he appeared to consider it before sliding in beside her, finding her shoulder and squeezing tightly.
“I don’t understand how you do it,” he breathed heavily. “Humans I mean. You’re so…infinitely exposed. Defenseless against the universe.”
Rose could smell the alcohol on his breath and leaned in, unconsciously drawn closer to him in the darkness.
“I don’t know,” she answered carefully. “I suppose we take solace in its changeability. The future is always coming, and you know the old adage.”
“Time heals all wounds?” the Doctor offered bitterly.
“No, because it doesn’t. I was thinking of “this too shall pass.” The happiest and the saddest of lines. Nothing is permanent, but leans toward entropy,” she stated.
The Doctor pushed closer, so that his legs rested against her shins and his forehead nearly touched hers.
“So that’s what drives you? An inevitable death?” he asked flabbergasted.
“No,” River smirked knowingly. “What drives us is regeneration. The chance to change our situation because the world is constantly changing. Death is just the motivator to make it happen in a timely fashion, because you only live once.”
“That’s a funny way to put that,” the Doctor remarked, thinking of his previous ability to cheat death as a Time Lord. “I suppose I’m no longer capable of putting everything off, because I’ve lost the option of waiting. It’s so terrible that it happened to me only once she was gone.”
River felt her heart clench when he said “she,” assuming that he was talking about his lost companion. A strange feeling like jealously overcame her, followed quickly by guilt and a storm of repressed emotions.
“Sometimes it happens that way,” River acknowledged, as her thoughts turned inward. “I loved someone too, you know. I lost him, like you lost her. I struggle so much to accept it and move on, even though I feel like I’m drowning most of the time.”
The Doctor brushed his fingers over her cheek and she flinched before settling into his touch.
“You see that’s why I admire you so much,” he whispered. “It’s why I ardently love you. Humans, the last bastion of hope when all else is darkness, and the thing you think is weakness is always actually compassion.”
“But see, you’re a human too,” River told him as she reciprocated his touch and traced a line down his cheek until she cupped it. “So you deserve all those things you spoke about. To be admired, and loved and hoped for. I know it’s hard now, but one day you’ll believe it.”
River closed her eyes and breathed peacefully as the Doctor looked on. The starlight streamed into their hotel window and alighted on her face, illuminating her soft wavy hair and gentle, relaxed face. The Doctor sighed, wondering if he would ever dare to believe in anything again.
--
Over breakfast, River ventured a specific question that had been tormenting her with curiosity.
“Who was the message from?” she asked lightly as she sipped her cappuccino. “In the hypercube.”
“Of course,” the Doctor acknowledged as he brushed a coat of jam over his toast. “I knew you wouldn’t last long.”
“I’m sorry,” River said apologetically. “It’s just I’m so interested. A message from outer space, from another species, maybe from another time? You really must congratulate me for not hounding you about it earlier.”
“I must!” the Doctor smiled wryly. “For an individual of your intellectual curiosity I’d expect no less. So I’ll tell you. It was a message from my ex-companion, Rose.”
“Rose?” River asked sympathetically. “The one you…”
“Yes,” he said tightly. “Very much.”
River had the presence of mind to stay silent for a few minutes, focusing on her omelette as the Doctor gathered his thoughts.
“That’s one hell of a Dear John,” she commented, when she felt the moment was right.
To her surprise, he snorted and coughed on his breakfast.
“You can say that again,” he agreed. “I mean, don’t get me wrong….it was wonderful to see her again. Almost as wonderful as it was excruciating. I’d certainly never expected to lay eyes on Rose Tyler again.”
“So what did she want to tell you, exactly?” River asked.
The Doctor tapped the table and played with the edge of his napkin.
“She wanted to give me a gift actually,” he said. “A piece of my ship, so that I might grow another here and become a time traveler again. It’s an organic-based technology that can be readily duplicated under the right circumstances.”
“But that’s wonderful!” River exclaimed. “You’ll do it of course!”
“I don’t know,” he said guardedly. “I miss the TARDIS so much, I really do…but… Some part of me feels like it’s a vestige of an old life that doesn’t belong to me anymore. Maybe I should put it behind me and focus on what I have here. I’m a teacher and a scientist, and soon the director of a world-class particle accelerator. It’s not like I don’t have enough to do.”
“You must be joking,” River corrected. “You’ll never have enough to do. I’ve seen the way your mind wanders, even when contemplating the most complex problems. You can’t put the Time Lord aspect of your genetic make-up behind you. You must embrace the duality of your existence, and accept both parts of who you are.”
The Doctor stared into her eyes, as if trying to gauge the correctness of her assertion through the dilation of her pupils.
“Stop that,” she demanded.
“Sorry,” he said sheepishly. “I go all catatonic when I’m thinking. But I’ll promise to consider it. It’s just…painful to contemplate right now. My past life was filled with complications. I’m not ready to face any of it yet.”
“For a half-alien male, you’re pretty good at talking about your feelings,” River observed.
The Doctor grimaced and bunched up his napkin on his plate. “One day I’ll tell you about how I was created,” he offered. “I’m starting to think it had a rather large part to play in how I synthesize and express emotions.”
“I’ll look forward to that,” River laughed. “I’m sure it’s a good story.”
“Always,” the Doctor promised.
--
The Doctor was adjusting his bow tie as River checked the camera on the laptop in front of him. They had set up a makeshift spot in their hotel room to broadcast his acceptance speech.
“How long?” he asked nervously.
“Two minutes,” she replied. “I don’t think there should be much of a lapse, but be prepared for a ten second delay at the start.”
“Will do,” he nodded. “How do I look?”
“Dashing!” River admitted. “At least from the waist up. I like how you’re wearing jim-jams under your tuxedo top.”
“I want to be as comfortable as possible,” he explained. “It alleviates my anxiety. I absolutely loathe formal speeches. That’s why I’ve avoided them for the last 300 years.”
“That is a long time,” River smiled. “I hope you’ve prepared something special for the occasion.”
“Nah,” the Doctor said flippantly. “I’ve chucked the script for something more spontaneous. I think it suits me better.”
River nodded with a frozen smile on her face. “Oh god, I hope so,” she muttered. “Ten seconds, Doctor.”
He raked his hair away from his eyes as the computer link isolated the signal from Pete’s gala, held in his London residence. In a few short seconds, the Doctor could make out several of his colleagues from Torchwood and the University standing around Mr. Tyler.
“Here we go,” he mumbled to himself, smiling brilliantly for the camera.
--
River was at pains to comfort him afterwards.
“It really wasn’t that bad,” she said, settling a supportive hand on his shoulder.
“Except for the stuttering,” he blanched. “And my complete lack of an ability to form complete sentences. It was utterly horrifying.”
River laughed and shook her head. “I can’t believe you’ve faced off against some of the most nefarious creatures in the galaxy, yet succumbed to a fear of public speaking over the internet.”
“Nobody’s perfect,” the Doctor said gloomily. “It’s these damned hormones interfering with my upper cognitive resources! I’m positively distracted by my comparatively overactive bodily chemicals!”
River frowned. “I suppose being human has its drawbacks, but there are good things too.”
“Yeah, like what?” he pouted.
River bent down so that her lips sank gently onto his, pushing lightly over his mouth so that her kiss was slow and deliberate. She backed away, satisfied with her example.
The Doctor found he had difficulty responding, but was also suddenly enlightened as to how hormones could affect one in a positive manner. He stared up at her dreamily, enjoying the way the sunlight played around the edges of her blonde hair. For the first time, he saw how beautiful she was. She seemed to notice his piercing gaze and faltered.
“I’ve got to go,” River said abruptly. “Meeting a mate for Nowruz.”
“Where will you go?” the Doctor questioned, looking a little crestfallen.
“To the Festival of Fire on the south side of town,” River answered. “I’ve yet to make the leap, and I think this year might be the one.”
“Ooh!” the Doctor crowed. “Chahārshanbe Suri! You know, if you wouldn’t mind, maybe I could come with you. I’ve never jumped the fire either, at least, not here on Earth. You know Nowruz is an intergalactic holiday? I’ve celebrated it on Kalcix 7, where the Festival of Fire is held over the crater of their third-largest volcano.”
“You jumped over a volcano?” River asked dryly.
“Certainly!” the Doctor replied. “I suppose that should qualify me for trying a homemade alley bonfire, don’t you think?”
River nodded. “I should hope so. And Doctor? You are so going first.”
--
The Doctor and River met up with Asa from the archaeological research team, who introduced her husband, Jalil and his friend Milad. The four of them walked the busy streets of downtown Tabriz, delighting in the festive scenes of dancing Iranians.
Finally, they approached a group of Asa and Jalil’s friends, who were building a large bonfire on the concrete.
“Happy New Day!” they greeted one another as the sun began to sink on the horizon.
River smiled as Milad leaned in, briefly explaining some of the customs taking place.
“The light from the fire represents supreme good,” he said. “We hope to battle the darkness and conquer, as ancient Zoroastrian beliefs dictated the duality of moral good and evil. The fire will grant us strength to overcome challenges in the new year.”
“That’s what I wish for,” River answered enigmatically. “I’m going to need all the help I can get.”
Milad smiled before going to help prepare the bonfire.
“Was this last year not all you’d hoped for?” the Doctor pried.
River nodded mutely and crossed her arms over her chest.
“I caught my husband with one of his students,” she said gravely, betraying herself by speaking unthinkingly. “I don’t think it gets much worse than that.”
The Doctor was shocked, unsure of how to respond, but River caught his eye and shook her head.
“I’m so sorry,” she recovered. “I don’t know where that came from.”
The Doctor stared at her defiantly. “I can’t believe anyone would do that to you. You have nothing to make up for.”
River stared back into his eyes, feeling a connection between them that she hadn’t completely defined yet. She wondered if he felt it too.
“Thank you,” she said sincerely. “That night you met me at Maison Bertaux and I was wearing that…”
“Spectacular strip of cloth,” the Doctor filled in with a winning grin.
“Right,” River laughed heartily before sobering. “I’d just come from seeing him. I interrupted his award ceremony to hand him the divorce papers. It was quite the triumphant moment, so I needed to look my best.”
“You did,” the Doctor offered, leaning in closer to her.
Just then the fire burst to life in front of them, causing both of them to start and then laugh with relief.
“I always anticipate massive disasters,” the Doctor explained, tucking his hands into his pockets. “I guess I don’t need to do that anymore.”
“I wouldn’t rule it out,” River advised. “You’ll be taken by surprise.”
The Doctor nodded, realizing in how many ways he’d already been by this new life.
She flashed a smile at him before Asa accosted her, briefly explaining the rules of the celebration to her friend.
“When we are finished, we’ll break the vessels according to Kūze Shekastan!” Asa exclaimed. “The earthen jars are said to hold our bad fortune. By breaking them, we begin the new year with a clean slate. “
“Sounds fun,” River laughed. “I can’t wait to start.”
“Maybe you should be the first to jump over the fire,” Asa suggested. “It gives you the best luck of all.”
“I don’t know…” River said shakily. “What if I fall right in?”
“You won’t,” the Doctor said assuredly as he came up beside her.
Impulsively, he grabbed her hand and squeezed tightly.
“If you want, we can go together,” he added.
“I suppose you are an expert,” River contended with a smile. “You can tell me which part of the fire is least dangerous.”
“Oh no,” the Doctor said with widening eyes. “You have to leap through the center. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. The danger is the most salient element of the experience.”
“Of course,” River consented unhappily. “I’ll just close my eyes and you tell me when to jump.”
The Doctor appeared to think very hard for a moment before gathering River in his arms, the flames leaping behind them and casting orange shadows over their faces.
“I’ve just remembered the other benefit of hormones that you might benefit from, Dr. Song. Adreneline: an active substitute for real bravery.”
He grasped her arms as he pulled her in, pressing his lips to hers in a smoldering kiss. She bent back as he hugged her tighter, and they both lost themselves in the moment. Asa and her friends cheered, bringing them both back to the present.
The Doctor kept her attention with an intense gaze, his brown eyes threatening to pull her in completely.
“Eyes wide open,” he breathed, bringing his hand back down to hers and grasping it tightly.
“Yes,” she whispered.
They sprang forward together.
--
“Ouch!” the Doctor cried dramatically as River applied aloe vera to his burnt palm back at their hotel room.
“Sorry!” she cringed. “So much for the theory of you being an expert fire-jumper.”
The Doctor grumbled to himself as River sealed his seared hand with a bandage.
“There, all better,” she insisted.
The Doctor leaned back against the headboard as River stretched out beside him, a glass of wine balanced on her stomach.
“Happy Nowruz,” she said cheerfully, and the Doctor couldn’t help but smile.
“You too,” he sighed. “I’m sorry we didn’t get to participate in Kūze Shekastan. I think breaking the vessels is a wonderful way to actualize the psychological process of breaking with the past. I think we could both use a reprieve.”
River drained her glass in one swallow. With a flourish, she threw the crystal cup at the wall, shattering it into a million pieces.
“You’re right,” she sighed with a smile. “I feel better already.”
The Doctor balked until River needled him to follow her example, handing him an empty glass.
“You too!” she insisted. “Can’t have you carrying around all that repressed emotional baggage.”
The Doctor shrugged his shoulders before whipping the glass across the room, cringing when their neighbor started to bang angrily at the dividing wall.
“Ooh, that’s not a nice word in Persian,” the Doctor laughed as River settled in tightly under the covers.
“Really?” she asked innocently. “I thought he was wishing us a happy Nowruz. All the same, I hope we do.”
“Yeah,” the Doctor said in a low voice. “I think it’s going to be fantastic.”
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