maybe I used too many monkeys

[teethlikedog]

This is not quite what I want it to be, but the editing part of my brain is fried and I'd rather post it now in the hope it'll nudge me to fix it soon, rather than leave it in the back of my hard drive where it will gather dust for months. Of course that tactic rarely works, but I figure the Kyoshin boys need all the love they can get, even if it's

Comments

[onikotsu]

That was a really good story. It fleshes out what the manga tells, makes them feel more alive. I really liked this!!

[teethlikedog]

Glad you enjoyed, thanks for commenting!

[fyretoppaaa]

f;sj;fal;jksa

H-How am I even supposed to begin to coherently review this? XD I'll be over here being a puddle of absolute glee and ♥ in the corner, because years later, your writing is even more compelling than it once was. I literally started reading this on the fly (I didn't even realize you were the one who wrote it at first) and then had to wrench myself away to get something else done first

[teethlikedog]

The ending was just...gah! That's a major problem I have when writing: I always find it so difficult to write a satisfying ending. So yeah, that's definitely one of the things I want to go back and tweak. I sort of think I want to rewrite the entire thing, to be honest, but I can't decide exactly what I like/don't like. Originally the middle section was all about Kakei freaking out over his attachment to Mizu, but I was worried it was becoming too much about Mizu and not enough about Kakei, but then maybe that would help to make the conclusion less jarring, I dunno. Bah, I'll think about it. :\

Self-pity aside, I'm really pleased you enjoyed it, and I'm glad the characterisation worked for you. Kakei being a delinquent, btw, is based on this page of the manga, where he's sitting on a car with what looks suspiciously like a bottle of whiskey in his hand. Kakei was a menace to society - it's totally canon, yo! XD

[cosplaycat]

Wonderful.

Very in character and well written. Like Onikotsu said above, you were able to flesh out what little background information the manga had and create a very believable and enjoyable story.

Kudos

[teethlikedog]

Thanks, glad you liked. It's my first attempt at writing any of the Kyoshin players, so I'm very pleased it seemed in character.

[demoerin]

Exactly the Kakei/Mizumachi fic I've always wanted - and I even have the relevant icon for it! I love that you included Kakei's brief stint as a rebel without a cause, and how the story goes so naturally from that to his determination to be best. It's cool to see how he still has doubts, though, about if he really can be the best and help get the team there with him. The whole fic is infused with that Poseidon-feeling of being at the peak. I love Mizumachi in this too, and I didn't think the ending was abrupt. It felt more like Mizumachi's crazier way of doing things intersected with Kakei's more measured pace.

(This awakens all my old feelings of 'Poseidon MUST WIN next year's Christmas Bowl! ;____;' Even though the manga won't continue to that ... and even though there are half a dozen other teams I want to win, not least the Devil Bats...)

[teethlikedog]

I think the Kyoshin team is my favourite aside from the Devil Bats - mostly because of Mizumachi, I freely admit - so in my head they are definitely going to win next year's Christmas Bowl. No doubt about it. :D

Really glad you enjoyed this, and that it seemed real for the characters. Kakei wasn't a character I thought about a great deal before I started writing this (I'm more of a Mizu fangirl) so I'm pleased I managed to get his character down all right. (Lovely icon, by the way - I love that scene.) This will probably still get a rewrite if I can pull it together, but I'm delighted that it works okay as it stands.

Thanks for commenting!

[black_widow1417]

shit I haven't been here in ages n look what I missed >.< damn

But! OMG! the ending made me a puddle of happy goo. I thought the whole thing was cute, but the end *squees* loved it.