Love After Love (1/2) for bluedreaming
Title: Love After Love
For: bluedreaming
Author: ailiblue
Rating: PG13
Warning: weight related self esteem issues
Length: 6760
Summary: Based on Love After Love by Derek Walcott. Minseok's gone through love after love and after it all, well there's Junmyeon.
Author's Note: Thank you to the recipient for your wonderful prompts, especially the poems that came with it! This one is very different than what you had asked for, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless! Special thanks to my lovely R for encouraging me to not scrape all of this and to keep going. Also for looking it over. Much love! <3
The alarm is ringing.
Minseok struggles to open his eyes. He makes it halfway with one eye open searching for the phone. At first, all he sees is a tuft of brown hair in his face. He turns away from the hair to where the phone seems to be. In the darkness the phone's interface makes it easy to locate. Minseok reaches out and brings it closer to his face, wincing at the brightness.
The phone says that it's six in the morning. Minseok wonders to himself what on earth he had to do so early today. He stares at the screen for a full minute before he realizes that it's not his phone.
The phone actually belongs to the person snuggled beside him in bed. Minseok turns to look at his boyfriend Junmyeon sleeping soundly, a bit curled into himself. He thinks Junmyeon looks really young like this and instinctively wants to bring him into his arms but he sighs because he has to do the opposite.
He pulls away from him and Junmyeon makes a small whining noise. Minseok stifles a small chuckle.
"Junmyeon," he calls out softly.
When he gets no response, he tries again. This time Junmyeon shudders and turns his body away from Minseok, curling into himself even more.
With another sigh, Minseok starts to lightly shake him. Junmyeon just ignores it. Minseok tries a little harder and finally he can see Junmyeon scrunch his entire face before slowly opening up his eyes. His drowsy eyes look over his shoulder to where Minseok is and Junmyeon pouts at him.
"What is it?"
His voice is scratchy and quiet and Minseok almost feels bad for waking him up. Almost but not quite.
"Your alarm went off."
Junmyeon's eyes blink slowly as he processes what Minseok just told him. He bolts out of bed, leaving Minseok wide eyed and gaping. He watches as Junmyeon jogs to the bathroom, clothes being chucked off his body along the way as he curses to himself. Climbing into the shower, he gives out a little yip and, "Cold!"
Minseok laughs out loud at his boyfriend and gets up off the bed to follow the trail of clothes, picking each piece up as he makes his way over to the bathroom.
When the door closes behind Junmyeon, Minseok is left standing there staring at the door. He keeps replaying what Junmyeon had said to him.
"The clothes I need are at my apartment so I have to stop by and change there, then go to work."
There's nothing out of the ordinary about it. This is Minseok's apartment, and that is Junmyeon's. But it still felt a bit strange to Minseok. Minseok's eyebrows furrow. It doesn't fit to him.
He pulls the chair closest to him from the dining table and sits down. Legs together, hands in his lap, he sits there, staring at the front door.
He thinks about the words. In his head. In his head, it sounds off. So he says it out loud. The beginning of it sounds okay but when he gets to "my", he stops.
My. My apartment. My.
His steady gaze starts to wander.
From the door, there are shoes. Many, many shoes. Some of them are sneakers. A couple of boat shoes. Some boots. Ones with tassels, one with spots. Baby blue and tan. Black converses. So many shoes and all of them are Junmyeon's.
Of course they're Junmyeon's. None of these shoes are Minseok's and he knows this because they're all stored in the shoe closet behind the door. Like his clothes, Junmyeon likes to leave his shoes where ever they may fall. Most of the time, that's in front of the door.
Anyone else, and Minseok would scold and demand that they at the very least line up their shoes properly. But Junmyeon, Minseok just chuckles at.
Minseok's eye catches the bookshelf.
On it, there are Minseok's books on coffee and architecture, but there's also a couple volumes of Junmyeon's favorite manga. Next to it is a framed picture of the two when they took a trip to Hong Kong and Junmyeon had insisted that they needed a picture with the giant rubber duck. For posterity's sake, he had argued.
Minseok chuckles at the memory and looks on. And as Minseok keeps looking, he keeps finding. Things that are his, and things that are Junmyeon's. As many things there are that are theirs individually, there are many more that are theirs together.
There's the TV that they had bought together. Minseok had wanted a moderate size, regular TV. Junmyeon took a whole night to convince him that a panoramic TV was much better. Minseok ended up agreeing.
Minseok looks a bit to the right of the TV.
There's a horrid ceramic sculpture they made on their fifth date. Junmyeon had wanted to do it because it was something of their own creation. Minseok thought it was horribly cheesy but he did it anyways. They had lots of fun and got very messy.
Minseok's eyes wander to the wall.
There's beautiful off white color on the walls of the living room. Junmyeon had wanted to hire professionals to come paint for the room. Minseok firmly said no and that they'd be doing it themselves. Junmyeon sputtered in indignation at being roped into it, but he was hardly complaining later on when Minseok kissed him silly against said-walls after they were done.
Minseok sits back on the chair and takes everything in at once. Yes, this is his apartment. It technically is. But this place, this home, it's theirs.
Minseok wonders briefly if Junmyeon ever thinks this. He must, he thinks.
He sits there taking more and more of the apartment in. As he contemplates he feels his blinks get slower. One blink, two blinks, and suddenly he feels himself drifting off. Minseok is sure he closes his eyes for only a second.
He hears the doorbell ring and his eyes bolt open.
He runs over to the door, wondering if perhaps Junmyeon forgot something. However, when he opens the door, he doesn't see Junmyeon.
The person he sees is a bit shorter than himself, a bit tanner, and a bit chubbier as well. Right before his eyes, Minseok is staring at his younger self.
The boy, Minseok, bites his bottom lip and shuffles his feet a little. He's looking down at the ground when he says, "Can I come in?"
Shocked, Minseok just opens and closes his mouth. There he is, his younger self, high school if Minseok remembers correctly, asking him if he can come inside.
"I-," the younger Minseok starts, "I'm a bit cold... and lonely... do you mind if I just come in for a bit?"
And the now-Minseok looks at the then-Minseok and without a second thought says, "Of course you can, this is your home." His eyebrows furrow. "You shouldn't have to even ask that."
The then-Minseok starts to say something, but shakes his head and shuffles in past Minseok. Minseok follows him along, quietly, and wonders what his past self could be doing on his doorstep.
The then-Minseok stands in the middle of the room, not knowing where to sit as he takes in his surroundings. He's wondering if this is what his life in the future looks like. And Minseok knows this because he is him. He is both of them.
"Hey," he says from behind then-Minseok. "Why don't you sit down, and I'll get you some soda?"
The then-Minseok winces at the mention of soda and instead shakily asks, "Can I just have water?"
Minseok's heart hurts at the question. Oh Minseok, you don't have to drink just water, when you clearly don't like it that much. "How about tea then?" Before Minseok can protest, "Tea has a lot of good properties for your body and it's mostly water."
And then-Minseok can't say anything back. He just simply bites his lip and sits down gingerly. Minseok walks to the kitchen and puts on the kettle. He comes back to Minseok sitting and looking down dejectedly. He wants to reach out and hug him.
"So hey," he starts off slowly. He doesn't want to scare him. "What're you up to, standing outside of your own house?" He hopes he said that lightly enough. He remembers the Minseok he was back then was not in a very good place.
"I..." He pauses for a long time.
"He left me."
Yes, Minseok remembers this. How could he not. You never forget the first time someone dumps you for another. He tries to look into the eyes of the then-Minseok. He has tears threatening to fall down, and Minseok can only hold out his hand for him.
The then-Minseok hesitantly places his hand in his grasp and holds on.
"It'll be okay." Minseok blurts out. He knows that doesn't help. He was there before and people had said that exact same thing. He hopes that if maybe it comes from himself, his future self, his past self could be a bit more relieved.
"I can't... I don't..."
And Minseok understands. It's been awhile since he's thought about it, but the him that's sitting in front of him makes it easier.
Minseok remembers the first boy he dated. Or rather, dated him. The boy was tall and handsome and assertive. He came to Minseok and chose him. Him, the chubby boy with a farmer's tan and no self-esteem, no self-worth. He chose him, out of all the other boys in their high school.
"I thought I was special."
He did, he really thought he was special. How else could he have gotten the resident bad boy to settle for him? And that's what it was, settling.
"He left me... and he said-"
"No. Don't listen to him. He was an asshole. He was just a boy who didn't know how to love someone. Don't listen to him!"
It made him angry to think about the stupid boy in high school who crushed him. He crushed him, smashed him, broke him so badly, with so much ferocity, that for the longest time, he couldn't look into a mirror without hating himself.
"You'll be better, I promise! You'll go to a great college and you'll find-"
A piercing sound cuts through his thoughts. The whistle from the kettle snaps him out of his rant. His mind reels from the rush and he shakes it off as he hurries into the kitchen to turn off the stove before it can give him a proper headache.
Once he's poured the tea, he walks back to the dining table, confused. He swore that he boiled water to make his drip coffee but instead, he has two cups of tea in his hands. He sits down at the empty table and looks at the two cups.
He supposes he can forgo his coffee today and drink both cups of tea instead.
"Hyung, over here!"
Minseok turns from where he's chatting with some friends to find Jongdae tugging along a stranger. He's lean and tall and very very-
"Pretty. Wow, he's really pretty," says Junmyeon from two people away.
Minseok nods, eyes still taking in Jongdae and his friend. His friend whose eyes seem to have a twinkle in them. He can't stop staring.
Jongdae breezily comments in passing later that Junmyeon was pouting a little. Minseok remembers laughing at that because he hadn't noticed at all.
Junmyeon hadn't noticed it at all. He had rushed into the apartment like a whirlwind, dropping everything he had and made way to the bathroom. He hadn't noticed that the key to the apartment fell out of his bag.
Minseok noticed. Picking up the key, he turns it over a few times in his palm and pockets the key. He doesn't know why he does it, but he does. There's a passcode on the door anyway, so Junmyeon doesn't necessarily need the key. It's just nice to have in case.
Later on during dinner, every once in awhile, when he shifts in his seat, he can feel the key burn in his pocket and he feels guilty.
It makes him lose his appetite.
A few days later, Minseok comes back from work and he's exhausted, hungry and cranky. Junmyeon's handling food today so Minseok has some time to himself. He flops onto the couch, tips his head back and closes his eyes for a second.
There's a rustle.
Minseok looks up and sitting toe to toe with him is Minseok. College Minseok. College Minseok who smiles wider and is skinnier. Significantly skinnier.
Minseok doesn't remember ever looking like that.
College Minseok smiles at him and offers, "I'm exercising now."
"Yes... I can see that." Minseok wants to cry. He can see more than just that. He can see his own ribs. He can see his collarbones. He can see his taut skin over his cheekbones. He wants to cry for all the times he looked in the mirror at 19 and didn't see any of that.
"You don't have to-"
"Exercise? I know, lots of people say that to me. But they don't understand."
I understand, Minseok wants to say. Because he does. He really does.
"I don't want to go back... to that."
"That boy-"
"It's not about him. It's about me. I'm... not right."
No, you are just right. You are more than right. Minseok wants to say all these things to him but he doesn't know how to get to him. Before he can open his mouth to protest, Minseok's stomach growls.
He immediately hugs his stomach, blushing furiously, about to explain, but Minseok cuts him off.
"I made food! Just eat a little! You can always just exercise extra to get rid of the calories."
Minseok knows this works. This excuse was how his friends made sure he ate back then. He waits for Minseok to nod, before he pads over to his kitchen.
He takes the roasting chicken out of the oven and cuts a large piece to put onto a plate of already hot and steaming pasta. As he brings the plate out, he wonders vaguely to himself where he got the time to cook.
"Here," he says as he lays the plate down in front of Minseok. He can see Minseok's eyes shine with want at the food, and he gestures for him to eat. With a defeated sigh, Minseok starts to eat.
Minseok watches intently at him eating. He looks so happy eating. He bites into the chicken carefully and Minseok smiles at the way his cheeks bunch up and move up and down as he eats. Minseok understands why his best friend always wanted to eat with him. He makes eating anything look delicious.
He doesn't know how long it is that he watches him eat for, but soon the plate is empty and Minseok looks disgusted. Worried, he asks him what's wrong.
"I can't believe... I feel so...." He looks like he wants to throw up and Minseok abruptly stands up and pulls him into a hug.
"Wha-"
"You're not going to die if you eat. It's okay to exercise, and it's okay to not to. But it's never okay to not eat." He says sternly to the boy in his arms.
Minseok starts crying.
"I know, I know-" he starts babbling. "I know, but I just- I need to show him. Show him that I am better. Than him. Than that boy. And it's stupid and I shouldn't but I- I- I need this. I need to do this."
And Minseok finds tears streaming down his own face. That stupid boy that broke him. Left him so broken that he started to break himself thinking it would make him better.
"I know- I know- I should eat... Junmyeon.. and L-" He starts sobbing. "They always tell me to eat and they always accompany me to things and Jongdae always asks me to go out for food and-"
Minseok hugs the boy closer to him. College had given him access to a gym 24/7 but it also made him an addict. Minseok is glad to have found people, especially his best friends and Junmyeon who helped him.
"I'm disgusting."
Minseok wants to protest further, but thankfully this time, Minseok had only meant his clothes. Minseok looks down and somehow both their clothes are dirty.
"Um, we can shower..."
Minseok blushes and says, "This is your house... You.... can go first."
Minseok laughs, "This house is ours. Don't be silly. Here." He takes Minseok by the shoulders and nudges him towards the backroom. "Go first!"
Minseok looks back at him, before disappearing behind the bathroom door. Minseok chuckles at himself before his stomach growls so intensely, it gives him a start.
A hand cups his face. "Hey."
Minseok bleary looks up at Junmyeon's smiling face.
"Hungry?"
"Hm." Minseok sits up from the couch, taking in his surrounding. He's in the living room and Junmyeon has already ordered chicken and there are some cold beers on the table. The tv shows the menu to the latest superhero flick they've been meaning to watch.
"Hey, go wash your face, yeah? I got everything set up already."
Minseok nods and pads his way over to the bathroom. He splashes his face with a bit of water and catches himself in the mirror. He smiles at himself and returns to the living room to where Junmyeon is.
Junmyeon calls Minseok after he’s finished with work. Minseok is really sitting at home but he tells Junmyeon that he’s out and about and maybe they should meet up at Junmyeon’s apartment for dinner, since he’s in the area.
Junmyeon makes a small noise that if it was someone else, they would’ve ignored. But it’s Minseok and he knows that Junmyeon is a bit surprised.
“Alright then, I’ll meet you there. You have the key?”
Minseok looks at the key in his hand. “Yes I have it.”
“And the door code is-“
“Oh I know, Junmyeon.” Junmyeon laughs on the other side of the line and Minseok smiles, shaking his head. Junmyeon is anything if not sentimental.
When Minseok arrives at Junmyeon's apartment, he cringes. It's beyond messy, and not only that, there's dust almost everywhere. Minseok fights the urge to start cleaning right away.
He sits down carefully on the couch, in case there are legos or a figurine somewhere under all the blankets strewn over it. He would be more bothered but the blanket has a faint smell of Junmyeon and it calms Minseok down.
While it may smell faintly of Junmyeon, Minseok still thinks that the other apartment is more Junmyeon than this one will ever be. Beyond the mess, there's not much here anyway.
Minseok worries his lips and pulls out a ribbon. It's purple on one side and gold on the other. It was exorbitantly pricey for a small piece of ribbon but they're Junmyeon's favorite colors. He doesn't know why he bought it but his other hand pulls out Junmyeon's key, the one to the other apartment.
He stuffs both away before he gets carried away and decides that this place is too messy and it's messing with his mood. He shuffles around until he finds an apron and some gloves.
When Junmyeon gets home, he makes sure to take a picture and coo at how cute his boyfriend is as he changes his kakao display picture. Minseok gives him a look. Somehow Junmyeon ends up in the apron and gloves and Minseok smiles cheekily at him.
Jongdae sends a message later to tell them they're disgusting.
After cleaning Junmyeon's apartment, Minseok thought since he was already at it, he might as well clean his as well. He woke up early and cleaned everything in the living room to the kitchn until lunchtime. After lunch, he came back and started with his closet.
He starts with the back of the closet and finds a whole wall of boxes. Large moving boxes, small gift boxes, shoe boxes. Most of them were empty or had things he didn't need. He made throw away piles and keep piles and honestly, most of it was being thrown away.
He's looking through the boxes when one catches his eyes. He opens and reads a letter. A shiver runs down his spine. He picks up another one and his mouth goes dry. He leans back against the wall of the closet with the box in his lap.
He had forgotten about this box. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Suddenly, he feels tired. So so tired.
When he opens his eyes
There's photos and letters everywhere. Upon closer look, they're pictures of him and his best friend, and he swallows the breath in this throat. Looking up, he sees himself, tears streaming down his face, and in his lap is the old shoe box.