Etiquette question

[teenybuffalo]

I did a little cat-sitting for a friend back in August, and forgot to return her spare keys. The other day I noticed that I still had the keys, and texted her to ask how she would like to arrange to get them back. I also asked her if she'd like to hang out and catch up sometime

Comments

[alexx_kay]

Seems mostly reasonable to me.

Personally, I'd stop a bit short of "assume she doesn't want to be friends anymore", and substitute "assume that she hasn't currently got time/spoons for me; leave the ball in her court to reopen communications when/if she wants to."

Have you read Siderea's post on Friendship's Frequency? It seems potentially relevant.

[teenybuffalo]

I'm more concerned that I don't want to get in her face or put her under pressure. If it doesn't seem overly pushy to you and others for me to try contacting her one more time after a longer pause, I think I will do that.

[moon_custafer]

Yes, I'd think that getting the keys back would be important enough to her that even if she were mad at you, she'd respond; therefore if she hasn't responded, I'm guessing she didn't get the message (and is probably also not mad at you).

[teenybuffalo]

It's way more likely that she's either so busy/stressed she's not responding to texts, or she didn't get the message in the first place. Worst-casing and all that.

[houseboatonstyx]

I started to say, before dropping the keys, make sure she hasn't moved. But ... never mind.

[teenybuffalo]

Yeah, that's one of the things that's slightly uncomfortable here. I hate having no information.

[rezendi]

Never ascribe to malice, etc. If she was upset at you she'd reply with a key-exchange protocol that minimized interaction. As is she's probably just busy / distracted / at Burning Man / etc.

[teenybuffalo]

True that

[asakiyume]

I would definitely not assume she doesn't want to be friends anymore, and I definitely think it's fine to reach out again. Especially with phones--she could have missed the message, etc. etc. etc.

One thing that's true for me is sometimes I delay answering a message if I can't answer all parts of it. In the case of your message, you were enquiring about the keys but also about getting together, and maybe she fell down on trying to think of a good time to meet, thought, "I'll answer this when I can think about my schedule," and then it got buried under other stuff. If you message her just about the keys, suggesting a time and method of getting them back to her that's convenient for you, that'll make it very easy for her to reply, with an added benefit being that if for some reason she *still* doesn't reply, you can be pretty sure it's something going on with her and nothing to do with feelings about you, since all you're doing is offering to drop back her keys.

[teenybuffalo]

You're right, you know, I do that too.

I think I really made this post to be worried about this friend maybe having friend-dumped me. I believe I will reach out again after a little more time, and do what you suggest here--just raise the one issue. If she does have some animosity against me, she can say so, but if not I'll be happy to be wrong.