Now, brute, one last time will we play the game out: "Warlock" (1989)
(from my Tumblr because why not. Look HERE for stills.)
Just watched this again recently and I love it to bits. It’s as if this movie was made in an alternate reality where the filmmakers grew up reading the work of Gemma Files.
This movie contains:
-Julian Sands as an evil blond pretty-man known only as the Warlock, frequently seen in toe bondage as depicted above. He launches himself through a timey-wimey vortex thing into modern Southern California and runs amok. (AMOK, AMOK) He has a ponytail of ultimate villainy. He smirks all the time. He literally eats children. It is likely that you will find him hot and then feel dirty for that reaction. He is in search of the Grand Grimoire, a book which wants to be found and used to bring on the Apocalypse.
-Lori Singer as a jaded modern-day Californian jerk who was just going about her business when a warlock and then a witch-finder invaded her home, killed her housemate and wrecked the place. She gets hexed and aged up to like two hundred years old, she gets better, she levels up and stops being obnoxious, and she defeats ancient evil while griping about it all the way.
-Richard E. Grant as witch-finder Giles Redferne from Puritan Boston. In wolf furs, carrying a bullwhip. That was totally a Puritan thing, right? Right. He is Brooding and In Pain Deep Down, and yet manages to be a person and not just a bundle of film cliches. He figures out the modern world quickly, manages not to go for the obnoxious time-traveler jokes, and drags Kassandra all over the map hunting down the Warlock and the Grand Grimoire. Along the way he becomes less of a misogynist jackass and they bond.
-I should mention that it is my life’s ambition to be as badass and as helpful as Giles Redferne, dressed in wolfskins, bursting in the front door shouting, “TELL ME YOUR WOES!”
-This movie also contains:
-veteran character actress Mary Woronov, who is always good to see;
-a warlock who chugs flying potion and flies around like Superman in a bad yet lovable special effect;
-an Amish family being plagued by evil magic that actually sours the cream and sickens the livestock;
-a human tongue cooked in an omelet;
-Richard E. Grant skewering Julian Sands with a weathervane spike and hauling him around like a balloon on a string;
-Kassandra nailing the Warlock’s footprints to the ground to torture him, so we can look at Julian Sands’ bare feet some more;
-Kassandra merrily committing credit card fraud everywhere in the name of stopping the Apocalypse;
-our heroes marching onto a plane carrying a five-foot metal spear (it was a more innocent time);
-the Warlock patting a pregnant woman’s belly and telling her that her twins will be born safe and healthy and un-deformed, IF she cooperates with him;
-terrible Hollywood impressions of Boston, mostly shot with soundstages and greenscreens (did you know you can see right into downtown from Copp’s Hill? /nitpick) and one nice establishing shot of Paul Revere’s house in the actual North End.
IN CONCLUSION
If you like supernatural horror and any of the things I just mentioned, then this is the film for you. It doesn’t get enough love, so I thought I’d give it some.
Just watched this again recently and I love it to bits. It’s as if this movie was made in an alternate reality where the filmmakers grew up reading the work of Gemma Files.
This movie contains:
-Julian Sands as an evil blond pretty-man known only as the Warlock, frequently seen in toe bondage as depicted above. He launches himself through a timey-wimey vortex thing into modern Southern California and runs amok. (AMOK, AMOK) He has a ponytail of ultimate villainy. He smirks all the time. He literally eats children. It is likely that you will find him hot and then feel dirty for that reaction. He is in search of the Grand Grimoire, a book which wants to be found and used to bring on the Apocalypse.
-Lori Singer as a jaded modern-day Californian jerk who was just going about her business when a warlock and then a witch-finder invaded her home, killed her housemate and wrecked the place. She gets hexed and aged up to like two hundred years old, she gets better, she levels up and stops being obnoxious, and she defeats ancient evil while griping about it all the way.
-Richard E. Grant as witch-finder Giles Redferne from Puritan Boston. In wolf furs, carrying a bullwhip. That was totally a Puritan thing, right? Right. He is Brooding and In Pain Deep Down, and yet manages to be a person and not just a bundle of film cliches. He figures out the modern world quickly, manages not to go for the obnoxious time-traveler jokes, and drags Kassandra all over the map hunting down the Warlock and the Grand Grimoire. Along the way he becomes less of a misogynist jackass and they bond.
-I should mention that it is my life’s ambition to be as badass and as helpful as Giles Redferne, dressed in wolfskins, bursting in the front door shouting, “TELL ME YOUR WOES!”
-This movie also contains:
-veteran character actress Mary Woronov, who is always good to see;
-a warlock who chugs flying potion and flies around like Superman in a bad yet lovable special effect;
-an Amish family being plagued by evil magic that actually sours the cream and sickens the livestock;
-a human tongue cooked in an omelet;
-Richard E. Grant skewering Julian Sands with a weathervane spike and hauling him around like a balloon on a string;
-Kassandra nailing the Warlock’s footprints to the ground to torture him, so we can look at Julian Sands’ bare feet some more;
-Kassandra merrily committing credit card fraud everywhere in the name of stopping the Apocalypse;
-our heroes marching onto a plane carrying a five-foot metal spear (it was a more innocent time);
-the Warlock patting a pregnant woman’s belly and telling her that her twins will be born safe and healthy and un-deformed, IF she cooperates with him;
-terrible Hollywood impressions of Boston, mostly shot with soundstages and greenscreens (did you know you can see right into downtown from Copp’s Hill? /nitpick) and one nice establishing shot of Paul Revere’s house in the actual North End.
IN CONCLUSION
If you like supernatural horror and any of the things I just mentioned, then this is the film for you. It doesn’t get enough love, so I thought I’d give it some.