(Untitled)

[teamnoir]

My Experience of a Nonviolent Communications, (NVC), International Intensive Training, (IIT)

Chris English

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

This is an open letter and review of my experience at the "International Intensive Training" on Nonviolent Communications, (NVC), given by the Center for Nonviolent Communications, (CNVC), and taught by Marshall

Comments

[angelbob]

I'm increasingly convinced that empathy includes at least two separate skills. One is "mirror empathy" -- empathy when you are, or can reasonably imagine being, in the same situation. The other, for which I don't have a clever name, would be a more cerebral and less emotional empathy where you work hard to do a reasonable job of understanding their needs without considering yourself to share them, or even a particularly good understanding of them.

NVC sounds strongly, strongly focused on the first of the two, to the extent that denying the second is ever necessary. Obviously you and I would think differently.

I also think most people who rate themselves as strong in empathy are thinking only of the first case. Similarly, it sounds like NLP strongly shoves you toward the second case, which makes sense to me -- the first case is powerful, but hard to control and potentially significantly more dangerous. I'd push people toward the second kind in most cases too.

[teamnoir]

I recognize the distinction you're making. I'm up to 4 or 5 strategies of empathy, I think. Not counting the presence of mirror neurons or "theory of mind" stuff.

One is whether or not you "guess" what the other person is feeling, (I still have doubts about whether that's ever the best strategy). Another is just mirroring and simple reflection, perhaps with the addition of general language like "what you are feeling" in place of any specific emotion names. Another involves just sitting with someone. No words. Maybe no mirroring or eye contact. Another involves engaging the content.

I have a few more bits and pieces, but I'm still lacking a lot, notably much guidance for when to use which. I'll keep working on it.

It occurs to me that most of this is pretty alien to me. I've only just begun to recognize the feelings of (in)validation. I'm not sure I've really had much experience being empathized.

[angelbob]

I'm not sure I've really had much experience being empathized

This is a hard one. You may not realize in many cases whether that's going on, especially if the person in question is quiet, doesn't guess, or guesses wrong.

[lobolance]

wow, that's disappointing. I've read some nvc (though the 'powerful' version by another writer seems more useful) and thought it sounded interesting. Sorry the weekend wasn't good for you. The food thing alone kills it. !

[teamnoir]

Thanks. The intensive would have been nine days. They end tomorrow at lunch. I bailed on day 4, (although I started my exit on day 2).

[tyrsalvia]

I took a mediation training course that had a foundation in NVC. I found that course to be very helpful. That said, there were a couple of NVC devotees in the class who - not to put too fine a point on it - creeped me the hell out. I suspect I was subconsciously noticing a number of the details you have eloquently teased out here.

[nickykaa]

Everything you've written here perfectly confirms my own impressions of NVC (based on having read Marshall's book and based on knowing a few NVC enthusiasts who've tried to convert me).

[drewkitty]

I find this write-up extremely valuable and will be going back to it.

I've been uncomfortable with NVC for reasons I couldn't pin down. You've now given me a road map to some of the reasons. Thank you.

[teamnoir]

You're welcome. Thank you for saying so.