Childfree musings

[teacupdiaries]

I don't often talk about being childfree any more. I went through a phase of being rabid about it, and then realised I was a/ being obnoxious, and b/ that it was a bit like being rabidly brown eyed; what's the point of being rabid about something that is just who you are? Seemed like a waste of energy

Comments

[fireez]

I just wanted to say that I think this is a beautifully written post, and I couldn't agree more. Yes, people do change their minds, and they shouldn't be bitched at because of it. Also, just because some people change their minds doesn't mean everybody does. I'm 100% sure I won't - I'm almost 30 now, and I've never felt the desire to have children. And, like you, I have mental health issues that I wouldn't want anybody to suffer under, least of all children, who, unlike adults, don't have the choice to just walk away if it gets too much for them to bear. Whenever I hear sombody say that people who don't want children are all just selfish brats, I just smile to myself - for a lot of cf people, it's the exact opposite of selfishness that made them come to their decision.

[teacupdiaries]

Thanks. :)

I've never really understood the logic behind the idea that people who don't have children are "selfish brats". I don't think one's selfishness can be defined as simply by whether one breeds or not.

I suspect a lot of it has to do with a growing phase in the US in particular that glorifies parents. I do wonder if in some way this is a backlash against issues in society that seem to lead back to poor family dynamics, or the growing number of children who seem ruder, brasher, and more prone to addictions than previous generations.

Although, I should probably say, a trend that glorifies white, middle to upper class parents, as there's certainly plenty of sexist, racist trash written about POC and lower class families.

[tansyrak]

I'm sorry if this is inappropriate to put here, but I just wanted to say that I recognized your screen name from the International Firebringer Appreciation Society. Small world!

[teacupdiaries]

Rabid CF-ness, along the line of "I just don't like children. Any children.", I always found a bit ridiculous, because how can you make a negative statement about a whole group of individual human beings, especially when you once belonged to that group yourself?

I went through that phase, and I think there were two elements to it for me personally: 1/ immaturity, and 2/ trying to fit in with a group that defined itself in such a way. I've always wanted to be accepted as part of some larger social group, and for a while I thought I could find that acceptance within certain childfree circles, but ultimately I realised I didn't want to define myself in negative terms, and I didn't feel that a lot of the judgements such groups made sat with my personal and/or spiritual views about humanity and compassion.

Conversely, I feel the same about parents who spend their entire time judging other parents and trying to be 'holier than thou' about childcare. Both extremes just don't sit well for me.

I think the important thing is to realize that

[teacupdiaries]

I appreciate you saying that. :)

For me, it had a lot to do with cutting out the things in my life that were emotionally draining, and which I felt were not giving me any real benefit.

In hindsight, I wish I'd abandoned the online CF communities sooner because I feel like I've learned a lot more about parents and children since I really allowed myself to open up to that choice.

[missysedai]

I wonder if this is how many parents feel? It must be very hard.

It can be. But it can also be very good for a child to have a parent with problems, if the parent handles things properly. Kids are smarter and more resourceful than we give them credit for sometimes, as I learned when my RA flared up hard when Alex was small and we were home alone.

[teacupdiaries]

That's a really good point.

Children can be remarkable perceptive and compassionate, and I can see how growing up with parents who might have difficulties could actually be a valuable learning experience.

I think children tend to accept us as we are more than we think, and/or are used to.

[teacupdiaries]

I'm continually amazed at how you've coped with everything. I think you're a great mother, but I can see what you're saying here.

It must be hard to deal with those conflicting things: a desire to have children, and a fear of what could happen.

I didn't realise things were so bad for you after Karndilla arrived. :/

[teacupdiaries]

*nod* I can understand that.

I wish PPD was something more doctors are educated about. I'm still shocked by some of the ignorant comments I hear about this condition.

[tansyrak]

Although I've gotten the "you'll change your mind" line a few times, people generally agree that my decision not to breed is a good thing. :P