Cemetery thoughts

[tayles]

This week marked 13 years since my brother's death. With lockdown lifting a bit more, we were at least able to go up the cemetery with some flowers - not that he'd be fussed about flowers, but my Uncle and Nana are there too, and they'd like flowers, so my brother gets flowers whether he likes it or not.

We also went to a golf shop to get G fitted

Comments

[damaramu]

I have thoughts like these. We found out what school Tilly will be going to this morning and it's something my mum would have cared about a great deal, had she not gotten sick.

Do you sometimes find yourself in a situation and know exactly what he would have said?

I enjoyed Japan, but I was ready to leave when the time came. Do you think you would have stayed longer?

[tayles]

Nope, he's definitely starting to fade - and so long has passed, and my life has changed so much, I have no idea what he would have said about anything. Other than the flowers, I am pretty sure I'm right that he would not have cared about the flowers.

I definitely would have stayed longer. I loved Mito, I loved my school, I loved being close to but not IN Tokyo. I had a lot of friends, a sort-of relationship that was just starting. But going back after the funeral was SO HARD, and I felt like my parents needed me, and I needed to spend time with them and at the cemetery, so I came home. And then when I did get back to Japan it was to a less ideal situation (work sucked, zero support from the company, horrid hours, fewer friends living out there) plus the anxiety of something else happening while I was away meant I didn't even last a year out there. I mean, it has totally worked out in my favour, given I have my current career, my husband, my house, my cats now, but yeah, it would have been totally different if Mike hadn't died.

[damaramu]

Those can be hard thoughts to have.

Sometimes I wonder about how things could have been... but that can mean giving up too much that's precious to me, and then I feel a stab of guilt for not wishing it a different way. As if wishing would make any difference.
I think you did your best with what you were presented with, and really, that is all you can do. Trite as that may sound.