longest (but most important) fucking entry ever!
first to update on the things going on. then to bring you the 2 epiphanies i had this week.
so today i get home from work, and bob is in my dining room with a bag of piercing equiptment. he brought it to pierce heather and karah. but of course, me being me, i can't pass up getting a piercing done, so we had to decide what to do. with that many people around (plus my stepbrother bill came over too) we came up with just about every piercing idea there is, but i decided to go with snake bites (like a labret piercing on both sides of my lip) cause i had been contemplating that for a while. so, fun stuff :) i like them but they're definitely a little too big, which there's nothing we could really do about that since we have to keep that kind in til its healed. i'll just have to make sure to wear some lipstick/gloss or something so that my lips look bigger. it was swelled at first but its really not anymore, and this was only a few hours ago. next karah got her tongue done, again, lol. well last time it wasn't quite right so hopefully this will be the last time she has to go through it. and heather wanted to get the opposide side of her nose done and change the jewelry that she already has in her one nostril but the old jewelry had to be cut out cause its the kind with that little ball on the end and the piercing was so old and home done with an ear piercing gun when she was 16, it had shrunk up around it years ago making it impossible to pull out. so she ended up having to get that first side repierced through the same hole to make it a little bigger, and then having the other side pierced as well. so bob did 5 piercings today. good job bob! adam came over right around when karah's tongue was getting done and we watched "top secret!" which is a pretty goofy movie.
friday was karah's party. we had fun and, going with tradition, i smeared cake on my face. last time it was jello shooters, had to be something different this time so it was oreo cake. george got some pictures haha. i actually didn't get too drunk and i wound up going home around 3. i usually end up staying the night over there cause i get so drunk and then i have to wake up for work the next morning. damn working on the weekends when the rest of the world has off. i think jeff said he had to get up for work at like 5:30 or something, wow. and he only left a little while before me.
thursday, the topic came up with johnny. he actually brought it up by asking me if i was happy with our current situation. i told him that yes i was very happy with it, but of course i have wondered what would happen if we made more of it, and i wanted to know what he thought about things. he brought up things that made a lot of sense to me. its great the way it is, so why fuck it up by putting a title on it, a set of expectations? there are certain things that are supposed to happen and things that always end up happening when you're in a long term relationship. when you "fall in love" (which he and i both believe to be a completely different thing than just love), you let your emotions take control over you. people do crazy stupid things in the name of love. things that are bad for them. because they can't control it. everyone has done it. its better to be in control of your emotions. let that first infatuation stage pass. because at the beginnning of any long term relationship, thats how it always is. you're so "in love" (whatever that is, infatuation i believe), everything is wonderful for a few months, then you find the flaws of the person because you're around them constantly. you pick apart things about them because they're not qualities of your ideal mate, you want them to change for you. these are qualities that your friends could easily have, but you accept that in a friend. but not in a boyfriend/girlfriend, they need to be perfect or it makes you miserable. then the person that you once loved you grow to hate, and the bond you once had is lost, and you can't even talk anymore. with the situation that johnny and i currently have, all of that bullshit will never be there. there's no title so there's no expectations. each of us is free to be who we are, independantly. we get to enjoy each other's company when we have time, and if we don't have time, if one or both of us is busy, its not a big deal. unlike in a relationship when each person is expected to spend a certain amount of time with the other, often keeping them away from friends. when that happens, either the significant other is upset cause you're not spending enough time with them, or your friends give you shit about being whipped. its fucking stupid. so basically we both really enjoy having our own space, and we're both young and like being single as well. committing at a young age is stupid to me, when you both would really rather have the option of being with other people sometimes, but in a relationship you can't because thats cheating. so we both decided we'll keep things just as they are. if its not broke don't fix it! we agreed that seeing other people is fine but we don't want to hear about each other's other dates and we don't want to see each other with another person. and if it ever gets weird or too emotional for either of us, we agreed we can go back to just being friends, cause we'd rather that happen than for one of us to get hurt. plus neither of us is after that whole american dream thing. we don't want to get married or have kids. so why should we do go about this like other people do? other people get into monogamous relationships because its the step that goes before getting married and having kids. thats really the only reason to do it. other than that, there's no reason we should have to go about it that way at all. all i was trying to confirm is that nothing and no one is going to mess up what we have now, our bond. which i knew i was being stupid by even thinking that but i just had to hear it from him. he spends almost all of his time with either his cousin who he lives with, justin, or me. so thats just me being paranoid. i've just got issues since so many people i've been really close with in the past have eventually left or turned out not to be what i thought they were. it made me feel better just to hear him tell me i'm important to him. the more i think about it the more i realize the only reason the idea even came into my mind that i should bring up being in a relationship to him is so that no one else will do it first, basically so no one else steals him away from me. and now that i know that that won't happen, i'm happy. i love this boy. not "in love", but i love him like i love my other close friends, and my family. i love the way he thinks, i've never met anyone like him, he thinks completely differently than any other person and i love learning more about him and his ideas.
i can't stop thinking about this stuff, and how right he is, and how i can't believe i didn't think of this stuff on my own. his thinking is a lot like mine, only more refined. i've got thoughts floating around and he fits those puzzle pieces together to figure out the big picture. i asked him to tell me about his religion, which he calls autotheism. he plans on writing a book on it. i think it would change the world. obviously, it would take a really long time to write it all out. but the basic principle is that our consciousness, what we believe, what we perceive, determines how the world is. so by having all of these other religions out there, believing that they're killing each other in the name of god, its making it true to them, and it will never stop as long as its that way. his tattoos are symbols of the things that make up the human mind, soul, etc. and the anhk being the symbol of eternal life, reincarnation, spending each life trying to make the world better. to educate people, in the balance of earth, and getting people to realize the error of their ways. basically trying to make the world a better place where there isn't so much hate, where everyone isn't fucking over other people to get themselves ahead. where people think of humanity in general above their own personal gain. getting more people to think this way is the only way to save humanity. its only getting worse as the years pass, and eventually if things don't change humans will bring about their own destruction. of course the way he said it was so much better, so much more in depth. that was seriously the most interesting conversation i've ever had. those few hours changed my life, my entire perspective on everything. johnny has been so influencial over me in such a short time. i've only known him probably 3 months, if that. its so amazing and overwhelming. i just want to spread this to as many people as i can.
so today i get home from work, and bob is in my dining room with a bag of piercing equiptment. he brought it to pierce heather and karah. but of course, me being me, i can't pass up getting a piercing done, so we had to decide what to do. with that many people around (plus my stepbrother bill came over too) we came up with just about every piercing idea there is, but i decided to go with snake bites (like a labret piercing on both sides of my lip) cause i had been contemplating that for a while. so, fun stuff :) i like them but they're definitely a little too big, which there's nothing we could really do about that since we have to keep that kind in til its healed. i'll just have to make sure to wear some lipstick/gloss or something so that my lips look bigger. it was swelled at first but its really not anymore, and this was only a few hours ago. next karah got her tongue done, again, lol. well last time it wasn't quite right so hopefully this will be the last time she has to go through it. and heather wanted to get the opposide side of her nose done and change the jewelry that she already has in her one nostril but the old jewelry had to be cut out cause its the kind with that little ball on the end and the piercing was so old and home done with an ear piercing gun when she was 16, it had shrunk up around it years ago making it impossible to pull out. so she ended up having to get that first side repierced through the same hole to make it a little bigger, and then having the other side pierced as well. so bob did 5 piercings today. good job bob! adam came over right around when karah's tongue was getting done and we watched "top secret!" which is a pretty goofy movie.
friday was karah's party. we had fun and, going with tradition, i smeared cake on my face. last time it was jello shooters, had to be something different this time so it was oreo cake. george got some pictures haha. i actually didn't get too drunk and i wound up going home around 3. i usually end up staying the night over there cause i get so drunk and then i have to wake up for work the next morning. damn working on the weekends when the rest of the world has off. i think jeff said he had to get up for work at like 5:30 or something, wow. and he only left a little while before me.
thursday, the topic came up with johnny. he actually brought it up by asking me if i was happy with our current situation. i told him that yes i was very happy with it, but of course i have wondered what would happen if we made more of it, and i wanted to know what he thought about things. he brought up things that made a lot of sense to me. its great the way it is, so why fuck it up by putting a title on it, a set of expectations? there are certain things that are supposed to happen and things that always end up happening when you're in a long term relationship. when you "fall in love" (which he and i both believe to be a completely different thing than just love), you let your emotions take control over you. people do crazy stupid things in the name of love. things that are bad for them. because they can't control it. everyone has done it. its better to be in control of your emotions. let that first infatuation stage pass. because at the beginnning of any long term relationship, thats how it always is. you're so "in love" (whatever that is, infatuation i believe), everything is wonderful for a few months, then you find the flaws of the person because you're around them constantly. you pick apart things about them because they're not qualities of your ideal mate, you want them to change for you. these are qualities that your friends could easily have, but you accept that in a friend. but not in a boyfriend/girlfriend, they need to be perfect or it makes you miserable. then the person that you once loved you grow to hate, and the bond you once had is lost, and you can't even talk anymore. with the situation that johnny and i currently have, all of that bullshit will never be there. there's no title so there's no expectations. each of us is free to be who we are, independantly. we get to enjoy each other's company when we have time, and if we don't have time, if one or both of us is busy, its not a big deal. unlike in a relationship when each person is expected to spend a certain amount of time with the other, often keeping them away from friends. when that happens, either the significant other is upset cause you're not spending enough time with them, or your friends give you shit about being whipped. its fucking stupid. so basically we both really enjoy having our own space, and we're both young and like being single as well. committing at a young age is stupid to me, when you both would really rather have the option of being with other people sometimes, but in a relationship you can't because thats cheating. so we both decided we'll keep things just as they are. if its not broke don't fix it! we agreed that seeing other people is fine but we don't want to hear about each other's other dates and we don't want to see each other with another person. and if it ever gets weird or too emotional for either of us, we agreed we can go back to just being friends, cause we'd rather that happen than for one of us to get hurt. plus neither of us is after that whole american dream thing. we don't want to get married or have kids. so why should we do go about this like other people do? other people get into monogamous relationships because its the step that goes before getting married and having kids. thats really the only reason to do it. other than that, there's no reason we should have to go about it that way at all. all i was trying to confirm is that nothing and no one is going to mess up what we have now, our bond. which i knew i was being stupid by even thinking that but i just had to hear it from him. he spends almost all of his time with either his cousin who he lives with, justin, or me. so thats just me being paranoid. i've just got issues since so many people i've been really close with in the past have eventually left or turned out not to be what i thought they were. it made me feel better just to hear him tell me i'm important to him. the more i think about it the more i realize the only reason the idea even came into my mind that i should bring up being in a relationship to him is so that no one else will do it first, basically so no one else steals him away from me. and now that i know that that won't happen, i'm happy. i love this boy. not "in love", but i love him like i love my other close friends, and my family. i love the way he thinks, i've never met anyone like him, he thinks completely differently than any other person and i love learning more about him and his ideas.
i can't stop thinking about this stuff, and how right he is, and how i can't believe i didn't think of this stuff on my own. his thinking is a lot like mine, only more refined. i've got thoughts floating around and he fits those puzzle pieces together to figure out the big picture. i asked him to tell me about his religion, which he calls autotheism. he plans on writing a book on it. i think it would change the world. obviously, it would take a really long time to write it all out. but the basic principle is that our consciousness, what we believe, what we perceive, determines how the world is. so by having all of these other religions out there, believing that they're killing each other in the name of god, its making it true to them, and it will never stop as long as its that way. his tattoos are symbols of the things that make up the human mind, soul, etc. and the anhk being the symbol of eternal life, reincarnation, spending each life trying to make the world better. to educate people, in the balance of earth, and getting people to realize the error of their ways. basically trying to make the world a better place where there isn't so much hate, where everyone isn't fucking over other people to get themselves ahead. where people think of humanity in general above their own personal gain. getting more people to think this way is the only way to save humanity. its only getting worse as the years pass, and eventually if things don't change humans will bring about their own destruction. of course the way he said it was so much better, so much more in depth. that was seriously the most interesting conversation i've ever had. those few hours changed my life, my entire perspective on everything. johnny has been so influencial over me in such a short time. i've only known him probably 3 months, if that. its so amazing and overwhelming. i just want to spread this to as many people as i can.