Clowns
Title: Clowns
Rating: PG-13 (swearing)
Pairing, Characters: Jesse, Rachel, Jesse/Rachel future!fic
WC: ~4400
Warnings: No real spoilers, unless you count the fact that st. berry is over.
Summary: Future!fic. Set seven years after season 1. Jesse and Rachel meet again in NYC, where not everyone is a star. Uses Sondheim's Send In the Clowns which I think is perfect for Jesse/Rachel.
Jesse St. James knows that his moment to shine will come soon enough; he just thought it would have come sooner. He’s been performing on and off Broadway in secondary roles since he graduated from UCLA two years ago. His dreams of everything coming to him when he wanted had already been slightly dimmed with the reality of university and the competitiveness of auditions and equally talented performers. So when his name doesn’t immediately get lit up on Broadway marquees Jesse is ok with that.
It’s not until he sees Rachel Berry’s name up in lights that he thinks he may have made a mistake going to UCLA instead of straight to NYC. It’s not the pang of jealousy that gets him (he is a little jealous that she is already becoming well known and she’s only in her second year at NYU) it’s the irony of the situation.
He goes to see her in Gypsy, she’s playing June and though it’s not a staring role it’s bigger than any he’s had. And she’s gotten great reviews for her portrayal of the younger daughter. He watches her and knows that he was right all those years ago saying that it was inevitable that she would end up on Broadway performing for the masses. He wonders what is next for her since this was only a limited run. He’s tempted to wait by the stage door to ask her, he doesn’t, he goes home and emails his agent asking for a list of new musicals that are going to be opening or any that are going to need replacements.
He goes on numerous auditions all over the city, each asking him for call backs and Jesse knows that his moment is coming. However in waiting for the series of call backs to start his friend Chris asks him to be part of a musical theatre showcase night. Jesse agrees, not only because he hears that a few important Broadway people will be there but because he loves to sing and perform.
Two days later he is sitting in a diner with Chris who tells him that he is able to choose any song he wants before he starts listing off a bunch of actors he has gathered for the night. Jesse is mostly zoned out thinking about potential songs when he hears Rachel Berry.
“What?” He asks
“Rachel Berry, she’s agreed to be part of the show. She’s a sweetheart and she’s from Ohio like you. I think the two of you might just hit it off.” Chris says before once again rattling on about the show. Jesse doesn’t tell Chris that they had hit it off, but that was almost seven years ago.
Rachel is going to be at the showcase, she’s going to be performing, and he’s going to have to see her again? These are the thoughts that run through Jesse’s head as he eats the chicken wrap on his plate. Chris tells him that there will be a weeks worth of rehearsals to get the sound right and make sure that the show goes smoothly and there isn’t to much changing around between songs. Jesse tells him that’s perfect, it fits in just before all his call backs. Before the two leave the diner Chris tells Jesse to be at the theatre tomorrow around noon, it’ll be a meet and greet with everyone and people can let each other know what they are singing.
The next day Jesse walks into the small theatre with the same confidence he has always carried around with him. It’s the same confidence that keeps him from giving up acting all together when things get hard.
He finds Chris in the group of actors. A few Jesse has worked with, so he goes over to say hello and chat. He’s in the middle of a conversation when Chris interrupts and takes Jesse to the other side of the room.
“Jesse St. James I’d like you to meet Rachel Berry.” Chris says.
Rachel turns and Jesse sees the shock settle in her eyes. He can tell that she never expected to run into him here. He offers a small smile, she returns it.
“Hi.” He says.
“Hello.”
The pair are silent and Chris who is still standing next to them ignoring the awkwardness of the two of them tells them something they both already know and then leaves them to become ‘better acquainted’.
“So how do you know Chris?” Jesse asks.
“Oh one of my friends introduced us. You?”
“I’ve known him for almost 3 years now. He was actually my room mate when I first moved out here.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
The conversation is stilted; neither knows what to say to one another. The last time they had seen each other were at Regional’s where VA took first place. He had gone up to get the trophy and shot Rachel a look of apology. An apology for leaving her and for the cruelty his team mates had inflicted on her without his knowledge. Her look back was indifference before being pulled into a hug by Finn and lead off the stage. That look of absolutely no feeling had cut him more than if it had been hate burning in her eyes.
“So what song…” “Do you know…?” They both say at the same time, trying to fill the gap of tension between them.
“Sorry,” Jesse says, “go ahead.”
“Oh I was just going to ask what song you were planning on singing.”
“I don’t know I was thinking maybe something from Rent or Wicked or maybe something Sondheim.” Jesse answers, praying that Rachel doesn’t remember his comments on how Sondheim could capture his sad emotions. “What about you?”
If Rachel does pick up on the Sondheim comment she doesn’t show it but answers the question saying that she plans on singing Rose’s Turn, considering that people know her from Gypsy.
Jesse is about to say something else when Chris’ voice rings out through the chatter.
“Well now that everyone has been introduced and most people have given me their song choice,” he looks pointedly at Jesse who hadn’t yet, “I think we can end this. Thanks to all of you for coming to see the theatre and meeting everyone. I’ll see people to start rehearsals.”
With that some of the actors leave, some return to their conversations and Chris comes back over to Jesse and Rachel. Rachel hugs Chris and tells him that she’ll see him tomorrow afternoon for her rehearsal. She says her goodbye to Jesse and walks out of the theatre. She doesn’t leave immediately; she stands just outside of the door and watches Jesse. She didn’t know that he was going to be here, but she knew he was in New York. She had gone to see one of the off-Broadway plays he had done and she remembers thinking that he still has the presence to capture everyone attention. As she watches from her place just outside of the doors of the theatre she sees he still has his pride and his confidence, and though she knows that he has yet to break onto the Broadway scene like she had, he still carries himself as though he has.
As she walks down the street a part of her is happy that he hadn’t found success right away, but a bigger part of her, a part that still has that 15 year old fan of Jesse St. James the lead of Vocal Adrenalin, wants him up on stage every night sharing his talent with the world the way he shared it with her all those years ago.
Jesse watched Rachel walk out of the theatre and he thinks back on the awkward conversation, the regret that has settled in his stomach and drive to chase after her and ask her for a date. In that instant he knows what song he is going to perform. He walks up to Chris and tells him. Chris thinks it’s a fabulous idea and will give the audience a twist on a Broadway standard. Jesse also asks Chris if he can rehearse in the mornings and Chris tells him its fine.
Monday’s rehearsal is fine, Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s are better. Jesse is the last to practice of the morning group. Everyone tells him that he is doing a wonderful job with the song and Chris thinks that it might fit in well as one of the final numbers before a group performance. Each of those days Jesse had hoped that he would bump into Rachel on his way out of the rehearsal, he never did. That was until Thursday.
Thursday afternoon Jesse decides to go to the small diner around the corner for lunch. He’s about to sit down when he notices Rachel sitting in a corner flipping through what looks like a script, making note with her pencil. He looks at the empty table to his left before steeling his resolve and walking over to Rachel.
“Hello Rachel.” He says and her head immediately shoots up.
“Hi Jesse,” She looks around the diner, anywhere but directly at him.
“So are you waiting for the afternoon group of rehearsals to start?”
“Yes. Did you all just finish?”
“Yeah.” He wants to sit and talk to her, so before she can make her escape he asks, “Do mind if I sit?”
“Sure,” Rachel isn’t sure.
She doesn’t know what to expect from this gesture. The last time she met Jesse St. James so unexpectedly she gave him her heart and he took it. Later breaking it when he abandoned her, for no reason, to return to Vocal Adrenalin and claim the Regional title. She wonders how much of a role he had played in drive by egging. Rachel had been bitter for about a year over that heartbreak, but she wasn’t so naïve as to not know why he did it. He wanted to win, win so badly that he didn’t care who he hurt to get there. It was the start of her senior year of high school that she decided that she was going to forgive him, in her heart at least he wasn’t around to do it face to face, hell she had forgiven Finn, Quinn, Puck and even other people at school for doing a lot more cruel things to her for years.
She’s thinking about the last time she saw some her school friends from Lima when Jesse’s soft voice breaks her reverie.
“So how is it staring in a well reviewed run of Gypsy?”
“It’s amazing. Of course it isn’t one of my dream roles, but hey any positive publicity and an almost leading role in a show is better than nothing.” She responds a bright smile on her face. She notices that Jesse’s fades.
Jesse doesn’t know what posses him to say this next thing, it might be the smile on her face or the fact that he had been carrying the guilt around for close to seven years that he needed to get it out there and he doesn’t know when his next chance to talk to Rachel Berry will be. It could be another seven years after this little cabaret.
“Rachel I’m sorry.”
She gives him a confused look. “For what?”
“For being an insecure asshole. Abandoning you that year without any explanation and then not apologizing for the egging.” Jesse says and Rachel’s look turns cold. “Although that was something I wasn’t aware of until after it happened and Lindsay sent me the videos. I was so pissed that I wanted to quit VA in that moment, but I couldn’t. I don’t know if I was too scared to leave and have that ridicule on me or because I thought because the act of quitting wouldn’t have changed the anything.”
“So you didn’t know?” Rachel asks, her voice squeaking a little at the end.
Jesse shakes his head. “Had I known I would have stopped it. So again I’m sorry for that. I wanted to apologize at Regional’s but you were gone by the time we had gotten off the stage.”
At that comment Jesse thinks that even if he had Rachel’s look of indifference on that day had told him that she wouldn’t have listened. Rachel thinks that had Jesse come up to her that day she would have ignored him.
But now she can’t ignore him and she knows that he is looking for some kind of response.
“I wouldn’t have accepted the apology.” She says and Jesse nods. “But I did forgive you for what you did.”
Jesse wasn’t expecting that response; in fact he had been expecting a dismissive comment that left him even guiltier than before.
“Really?”
Rachel nods before speaking again.
“It took almost a full year, but I did. I realized that carrying around my anger at you wasn’t healthy for me, it didn’t help with me becoming a star, but more importantly I knew that if I could forgive others at McKinley who had hurt me more times over than you did I should be able to give you the same treatment.” Rachel pauses though before adding, “I think it took longer though because I had given you more of me and my heart than I did them.”
Rachel can’t believe she just added that on. She had never planned on that coming out. Jesse is speechless. He feels relieved that Rachel doesn’t hate him for his youthful mistakes, but still remorseful that he even committed them and he feels a strange excitement that Rachel had somewhat loved him in their brief time together.
Rachel looks down at her watch and says that she has to get going. She’s placing the script in her oversize purse when Jesse stills her hand.
“Hey do you want to grab dinner tonight?” He asks hopefully.
“I can’t. I’m sort of seeing someone.”
Jesse’s face falls and he berates himself for even asking. He knew that it was a long shot and if the roles were reversed he probably wouldn’t want to have dinner with him either. Rachel doesn’t know why she said that. It wasn’t true. Yeah she had gone on a couple dates with this one guy, but she knew that it wasn’t working out. She just couldn’t give into Jesse again; she wouldn’t be able to deal with another abandonment if it came to that.
“Oh Ok.” Jesse says.
“Yeah, Well I’ll see you tomorrow at the show.”
“Yup, Bye Rachel.”
“Bye Jesse.”
Friday night couldn’t have come fast enough. Jesse had been excited all day. It was the kind of excited he got any time he was about to perform. That giddy feeling in the pit of your stomach, the energy bursting out of you and the impatience of having to wait for everything to finally start. So when Jesse finally got to the little theatre just after six pm he was raring to go, even though this type of energy wasn’t necessary for his own performance.
Jesse knows that he is going to have to sit and watch the show in its entirety as he is third to last number of the night, the final two being group numbers, most likely audience requests. He sees that Rachel is going just after half way through the show. He goes to the open cast room behind the stage to mingle with everyone and have a light snack before it’s time to go on. He’s giving himself a once over in the full length mirror when Chris comes up to him and tells him that he looks fine. Jesse knows he does. He’s wearing dark jeans that are fitted to perfection and a royal blue button down shirt, rolled to his elbows. He turns when he spots Rachel in the mirror. She looks elegant. Her makeup is simple, hair styled in a loose bun with a few escaping curls and she’s got an emerald green cocktail, tube dress with a sash that adds definition to her tiny waist. He thinks she looks beautiful.
Jesse doesn’t go over, just watches as she says hello to everyone in the room before coming to stop in front of him and say hi. He tells her good luck and she smiles before doing the same. Chris chooses that moment to thank everyone again and that this performance should be about fun.
The group of actors makes their way to the section of the seating reserved for them and the show starts.
The audience loves all the numbers and the well known faces, as well as some of the more unknown ones. There is a murmur through the crowd when Rachel takes to the stage and flawlessly performs Rose’s Turn. She bows and blows a kiss to the audience. Jesse sees that soon she is going to be the one headlining something big.
As she makes her way back to her seat she gives Jesse a smile. She loves these kinds of performances. They’re intimate, fun and the pressure of filling seats every night is off. It’s a time to showcase talent and share a passion for the stage with other likeminded people. She can’t wait for what Jesse has in store. She still doesn’t know what he’s performing, but she knows that he will pull it off.
Soon Chris is on stage introducing Jesse. He tells the audience that Jesse is one of the undiscovered greats of this city and soon everyone here will be seeing him in Playbill and all across Broadway. Jesse is shaking his head as he takes the mic.
“Thanks Chris. So tonight I decided on a Stephen Sondheim number because only he can express my melancholia.” Jesse says with such a dramatic flare and heart broken face that the audience laughs at the little joke.
The only one not laughing is Rachel. She remembers when Jesse had said the same thing to her and she is wondering how it applies to this moment.
“So this is a little variation on one of his standards.”
A single piano begins the opening to 'Send in the Clowns" and everything is silent. Rachel's jaw drops open in surprise and she can't tear her eyes from Jesse.
Isn't it rich? Are we a Pair ?
Me here at last on the ground
You in Mid-air
Send in the clowns.
Jesse's eyes roam across the audience, but when he sings the lines about him being on the ground his eyes find Rachel. He needs her to know that he chose this song for a reason. His eyes leave hers as he starts the second verse.
Isn't this bliss? Don't you approve?
One who Keeps tearing around
One who can't move
Where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns
Just when I'd stopped opening doors
knowing the one that i wanted was yours
making my entrance again with my usual flair
sure of my lines
no one is there
Jesse knew when he saw her in Gypsy that she is who he wanted, who he needed and yesterday when he went to make the first move and she turned him down he felt alone again.
Don't you love farce?
My fault I fear
I thought that you'd want what I want
Sorry my dear
But where are the clowns?
There ought to be clowns
Quick send in the clown
What a surprise?
Who could foresee?
I'd come to feel about you
what you felt about me.
Jesse had loved Rachel when they had been together, probably not on the same level that she had loved him, but he couldn't deny, even now that she had always kept a piece of his heart.
Why only now when I see
That you'd drifted away
What a surprise
What a cliche
For the last verse Jesse's eyes find Rachel's. He's singing to her, every emotion he is putting into this performance is for her. The song explains not just to her, but to the audience how he is feeling. More so than any words could.
Isn't it Rich? Isn't it queer?
Losing my timing this late
in my career?
And where are the clowns?
Quick, send in the clowns
Don't bother they're here.
Jesse’s voice fades slightly on the last word. He’s caught up in the emotion and the story he has just told.
The audience is silent for a moment before bursting into a loud applause and a few give Jesse a standing ovation. They had experienced the song with him and he had bared his soul to them and in return the audience was moved, some have tears glistening in their eyes, others feel the goose bumps across their skin. In the crowd the few stage directors and casting directors were making notes to talk with him after the show to get him to come in to do an audition. They figured if he could pour that much into a five minute song, he would be even stronger in a play.
Rachel listens to the burst of applause. Tears that had gathered when Jesse’s voice first filled the air trickle down her cheeks. She remembers the first time she had heard his smooth, melodic voice and how it just took songs to another place. She remembers singing with him and how their voices mingled and joined at the right moments filling in and filling out the songs. Rachel applauds but it’s just an automatic reaction. She’s still trying to wrap her head (and heart) around the song and what Jesse meant by singing it and singing it partially to her.
Jesse is still standing on the stage when Chris tells the rest of the performers to join them for the last two numbers which will be audience choice. The small crowd likes this and begins shouting out ideas. After the final two numbers are performed the actors bow and head to the foyer of the theatre where the audience can come and talk with them. On there way there everyone congratulates Jesse on his performance, saying it was the best of the night.
Jesse sees Rachel out of the corner of his eye. She doesn’t come over, but gives him a smile and a look that he can’t decipher. He’s about to make his way to talk to her, when he is pulled to the side by the first of the audience members.
For the next two hours Jesse and everyone is congratulated on their performances. Jesse though is the most sought out. He is basking in the adulation of all the people. Rachel watches him and remembers ‘Jesse St. James’ and right now as he’s talking to people that’s who he is.
Jesse is thanking everyone. He can’t believe how lucky he is to have done this performance. It has gotten him more offers for auditions than his agent ever did. He doesn’t let that go to his head; he’s more realistic about those things now. The last person to come up to him is a casting director for a new musical. He tells Jesse that if he wants the role of the male lead it’s mostly his, he just has to come in and do an acting test with a few members of the company. Jesse tells him it would be an honour and gives him his email to set up a time.
Soon the small theatre is empty just a few of the actors left. Jesse makes his escape out of the foyer and sits on the steps leading to that main hall. He can’t believe how well tonight went for him. He just wishes that he had the chance to talk to Rachel before she left. He closes his eyes for a moment, but opens them when he feels someone sit next to him. He glances over and sees Rachel. They don’t speak, just look at each other for a moment as if seeing each other for the first time.
“Hi.” She finally says.
“Hi.”
“You were phenomenal.”
“Thanks,” He says, “so were you.”
She smiles in response. “You were better.”
Silence falls between them again.
“I saw you talking to Steve Barnes earlier.”
“Yeah he offered me the male lead in a new play.”
“That would be opposite me.” She tells him and he can’t hide the smile on his face. He knows that he is going to nail the acting test if he has to act opposite Rachel.
“I hope you get it.” She tells him sincerely.
“Thanks.” Jesse says before continuing on. “I never forgot about you Rachel. Not even after leaving Lima and trying my hardest to get away from that city. I never forgot what you meant to me, and how much I loved you. And I was too young and stupid to realize it at the time but you were perfect for me, and I should have cared more about that then winning.”
“I told you I forgave you for that and maybe if you had apologized sooner we wouldn’t have had to have waited almost seven years to talk.” Rachel says and Jesse does feel like a fool. “But I also could have reached out to you; I mean it wouldn’t have been that hard to find you through Shelby or Facebook.” Rachel tells him admitting her own foolishness in the situation.
“I guess I chose the right song then, huh?”
“Yeah, you did.” She says. “Although I have to be honest with you, I’m not really seeing anyone.”
Jesse quirks an eyebrow at her.
“I lied yesterday. I thought I would protect myself from you if I said that I was involved with someone. But your performance tonight made me realize how much of a fool I was for doing that.”
Jesse’s smile at her admission brightens his whole face.
“So does that mean you want to try?” He has.
Rachel nods and drops a kiss to the corner of his lips. “I think we can try, but let’s take it slow. Get to know each other as who we are now.”
“I can do that.” Jesse responds. He stands and offers his hand to Rachel, “So Miss Berry, can I buy you a drink?”
“Yes.” Rachel says, taking his hand to help her stand, but not dropping it.
Jesse smiles at this and leads Rachel out of the theatre into the New York City night.
Rating: PG-13 (swearing)
Pairing, Characters: Jesse, Rachel, Jesse/Rachel future!fic
WC: ~4400
Warnings: No real spoilers, unless you count the fact that st. berry is over.
Summary: Future!fic. Set seven years after season 1. Jesse and Rachel meet again in NYC, where not everyone is a star. Uses Sondheim's Send In the Clowns which I think is perfect for Jesse/Rachel.
Jesse St. James knows that his moment to shine will come soon enough; he just thought it would have come sooner. He’s been performing on and off Broadway in secondary roles since he graduated from UCLA two years ago. His dreams of everything coming to him when he wanted had already been slightly dimmed with the reality of university and the competitiveness of auditions and equally talented performers. So when his name doesn’t immediately get lit up on Broadway marquees Jesse is ok with that.
It’s not until he sees Rachel Berry’s name up in lights that he thinks he may have made a mistake going to UCLA instead of straight to NYC. It’s not the pang of jealousy that gets him (he is a little jealous that she is already becoming well known and she’s only in her second year at NYU) it’s the irony of the situation.
He goes to see her in Gypsy, she’s playing June and though it’s not a staring role it’s bigger than any he’s had. And she’s gotten great reviews for her portrayal of the younger daughter. He watches her and knows that he was right all those years ago saying that it was inevitable that she would end up on Broadway performing for the masses. He wonders what is next for her since this was only a limited run. He’s tempted to wait by the stage door to ask her, he doesn’t, he goes home and emails his agent asking for a list of new musicals that are going to be opening or any that are going to need replacements.
He goes on numerous auditions all over the city, each asking him for call backs and Jesse knows that his moment is coming. However in waiting for the series of call backs to start his friend Chris asks him to be part of a musical theatre showcase night. Jesse agrees, not only because he hears that a few important Broadway people will be there but because he loves to sing and perform.
Two days later he is sitting in a diner with Chris who tells him that he is able to choose any song he wants before he starts listing off a bunch of actors he has gathered for the night. Jesse is mostly zoned out thinking about potential songs when he hears Rachel Berry.
“What?” He asks
“Rachel Berry, she’s agreed to be part of the show. She’s a sweetheart and she’s from Ohio like you. I think the two of you might just hit it off.” Chris says before once again rattling on about the show. Jesse doesn’t tell Chris that they had hit it off, but that was almost seven years ago.
Rachel is going to be at the showcase, she’s going to be performing, and he’s going to have to see her again? These are the thoughts that run through Jesse’s head as he eats the chicken wrap on his plate. Chris tells him that there will be a weeks worth of rehearsals to get the sound right and make sure that the show goes smoothly and there isn’t to much changing around between songs. Jesse tells him that’s perfect, it fits in just before all his call backs. Before the two leave the diner Chris tells Jesse to be at the theatre tomorrow around noon, it’ll be a meet and greet with everyone and people can let each other know what they are singing.
The next day Jesse walks into the small theatre with the same confidence he has always carried around with him. It’s the same confidence that keeps him from giving up acting all together when things get hard.
He finds Chris in the group of actors. A few Jesse has worked with, so he goes over to say hello and chat. He’s in the middle of a conversation when Chris interrupts and takes Jesse to the other side of the room.
“Jesse St. James I’d like you to meet Rachel Berry.” Chris says.
Rachel turns and Jesse sees the shock settle in her eyes. He can tell that she never expected to run into him here. He offers a small smile, she returns it.
“Hi.” He says.
“Hello.”
The pair are silent and Chris who is still standing next to them ignoring the awkwardness of the two of them tells them something they both already know and then leaves them to become ‘better acquainted’.
“So how do you know Chris?” Jesse asks.
“Oh one of my friends introduced us. You?”
“I’ve known him for almost 3 years now. He was actually my room mate when I first moved out here.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
The conversation is stilted; neither knows what to say to one another. The last time they had seen each other were at Regional’s where VA took first place. He had gone up to get the trophy and shot Rachel a look of apology. An apology for leaving her and for the cruelty his team mates had inflicted on her without his knowledge. Her look back was indifference before being pulled into a hug by Finn and lead off the stage. That look of absolutely no feeling had cut him more than if it had been hate burning in her eyes.
“So what song…” “Do you know…?” They both say at the same time, trying to fill the gap of tension between them.
“Sorry,” Jesse says, “go ahead.”
“Oh I was just going to ask what song you were planning on singing.”
“I don’t know I was thinking maybe something from Rent or Wicked or maybe something Sondheim.” Jesse answers, praying that Rachel doesn’t remember his comments on how Sondheim could capture his sad emotions. “What about you?”
If Rachel does pick up on the Sondheim comment she doesn’t show it but answers the question saying that she plans on singing Rose’s Turn, considering that people know her from Gypsy.
Jesse is about to say something else when Chris’ voice rings out through the chatter.
“Well now that everyone has been introduced and most people have given me their song choice,” he looks pointedly at Jesse who hadn’t yet, “I think we can end this. Thanks to all of you for coming to see the theatre and meeting everyone. I’ll see people to start rehearsals.”
With that some of the actors leave, some return to their conversations and Chris comes back over to Jesse and Rachel. Rachel hugs Chris and tells him that she’ll see him tomorrow afternoon for her rehearsal. She says her goodbye to Jesse and walks out of the theatre. She doesn’t leave immediately; she stands just outside of the door and watches Jesse. She didn’t know that he was going to be here, but she knew he was in New York. She had gone to see one of the off-Broadway plays he had done and she remembers thinking that he still has the presence to capture everyone attention. As she watches from her place just outside of the doors of the theatre she sees he still has his pride and his confidence, and though she knows that he has yet to break onto the Broadway scene like she had, he still carries himself as though he has.
As she walks down the street a part of her is happy that he hadn’t found success right away, but a bigger part of her, a part that still has that 15 year old fan of Jesse St. James the lead of Vocal Adrenalin, wants him up on stage every night sharing his talent with the world the way he shared it with her all those years ago.
Jesse watched Rachel walk out of the theatre and he thinks back on the awkward conversation, the regret that has settled in his stomach and drive to chase after her and ask her for a date. In that instant he knows what song he is going to perform. He walks up to Chris and tells him. Chris thinks it’s a fabulous idea and will give the audience a twist on a Broadway standard. Jesse also asks Chris if he can rehearse in the mornings and Chris tells him its fine.
Monday’s rehearsal is fine, Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s are better. Jesse is the last to practice of the morning group. Everyone tells him that he is doing a wonderful job with the song and Chris thinks that it might fit in well as one of the final numbers before a group performance. Each of those days Jesse had hoped that he would bump into Rachel on his way out of the rehearsal, he never did. That was until Thursday.
Thursday afternoon Jesse decides to go to the small diner around the corner for lunch. He’s about to sit down when he notices Rachel sitting in a corner flipping through what looks like a script, making note with her pencil. He looks at the empty table to his left before steeling his resolve and walking over to Rachel.
“Hello Rachel.” He says and her head immediately shoots up.
“Hi Jesse,” She looks around the diner, anywhere but directly at him.
“So are you waiting for the afternoon group of rehearsals to start?”
“Yes. Did you all just finish?”
“Yeah.” He wants to sit and talk to her, so before she can make her escape he asks, “Do mind if I sit?”
“Sure,” Rachel isn’t sure.
She doesn’t know what to expect from this gesture. The last time she met Jesse St. James so unexpectedly she gave him her heart and he took it. Later breaking it when he abandoned her, for no reason, to return to Vocal Adrenalin and claim the Regional title. She wonders how much of a role he had played in drive by egging. Rachel had been bitter for about a year over that heartbreak, but she wasn’t so naïve as to not know why he did it. He wanted to win, win so badly that he didn’t care who he hurt to get there. It was the start of her senior year of high school that she decided that she was going to forgive him, in her heart at least he wasn’t around to do it face to face, hell she had forgiven Finn, Quinn, Puck and even other people at school for doing a lot more cruel things to her for years.
She’s thinking about the last time she saw some her school friends from Lima when Jesse’s soft voice breaks her reverie.
“So how is it staring in a well reviewed run of Gypsy?”
“It’s amazing. Of course it isn’t one of my dream roles, but hey any positive publicity and an almost leading role in a show is better than nothing.” She responds a bright smile on her face. She notices that Jesse’s fades.
Jesse doesn’t know what posses him to say this next thing, it might be the smile on her face or the fact that he had been carrying the guilt around for close to seven years that he needed to get it out there and he doesn’t know when his next chance to talk to Rachel Berry will be. It could be another seven years after this little cabaret.
“Rachel I’m sorry.”
She gives him a confused look. “For what?”
“For being an insecure asshole. Abandoning you that year without any explanation and then not apologizing for the egging.” Jesse says and Rachel’s look turns cold. “Although that was something I wasn’t aware of until after it happened and Lindsay sent me the videos. I was so pissed that I wanted to quit VA in that moment, but I couldn’t. I don’t know if I was too scared to leave and have that ridicule on me or because I thought because the act of quitting wouldn’t have changed the anything.”
“So you didn’t know?” Rachel asks, her voice squeaking a little at the end.
Jesse shakes his head. “Had I known I would have stopped it. So again I’m sorry for that. I wanted to apologize at Regional’s but you were gone by the time we had gotten off the stage.”
At that comment Jesse thinks that even if he had Rachel’s look of indifference on that day had told him that she wouldn’t have listened. Rachel thinks that had Jesse come up to her that day she would have ignored him.
But now she can’t ignore him and she knows that he is looking for some kind of response.
“I wouldn’t have accepted the apology.” She says and Jesse nods. “But I did forgive you for what you did.”
Jesse wasn’t expecting that response; in fact he had been expecting a dismissive comment that left him even guiltier than before.
“Really?”
Rachel nods before speaking again.
“It took almost a full year, but I did. I realized that carrying around my anger at you wasn’t healthy for me, it didn’t help with me becoming a star, but more importantly I knew that if I could forgive others at McKinley who had hurt me more times over than you did I should be able to give you the same treatment.” Rachel pauses though before adding, “I think it took longer though because I had given you more of me and my heart than I did them.”
Rachel can’t believe she just added that on. She had never planned on that coming out. Jesse is speechless. He feels relieved that Rachel doesn’t hate him for his youthful mistakes, but still remorseful that he even committed them and he feels a strange excitement that Rachel had somewhat loved him in their brief time together.
Rachel looks down at her watch and says that she has to get going. She’s placing the script in her oversize purse when Jesse stills her hand.
“Hey do you want to grab dinner tonight?” He asks hopefully.
“I can’t. I’m sort of seeing someone.”
Jesse’s face falls and he berates himself for even asking. He knew that it was a long shot and if the roles were reversed he probably wouldn’t want to have dinner with him either. Rachel doesn’t know why she said that. It wasn’t true. Yeah she had gone on a couple dates with this one guy, but she knew that it wasn’t working out. She just couldn’t give into Jesse again; she wouldn’t be able to deal with another abandonment if it came to that.
“Oh Ok.” Jesse says.
“Yeah, Well I’ll see you tomorrow at the show.”
“Yup, Bye Rachel.”
“Bye Jesse.”
Friday night couldn’t have come fast enough. Jesse had been excited all day. It was the kind of excited he got any time he was about to perform. That giddy feeling in the pit of your stomach, the energy bursting out of you and the impatience of having to wait for everything to finally start. So when Jesse finally got to the little theatre just after six pm he was raring to go, even though this type of energy wasn’t necessary for his own performance.
Jesse knows that he is going to have to sit and watch the show in its entirety as he is third to last number of the night, the final two being group numbers, most likely audience requests. He sees that Rachel is going just after half way through the show. He goes to the open cast room behind the stage to mingle with everyone and have a light snack before it’s time to go on. He’s giving himself a once over in the full length mirror when Chris comes up to him and tells him that he looks fine. Jesse knows he does. He’s wearing dark jeans that are fitted to perfection and a royal blue button down shirt, rolled to his elbows. He turns when he spots Rachel in the mirror. She looks elegant. Her makeup is simple, hair styled in a loose bun with a few escaping curls and she’s got an emerald green cocktail, tube dress with a sash that adds definition to her tiny waist. He thinks she looks beautiful.
Jesse doesn’t go over, just watches as she says hello to everyone in the room before coming to stop in front of him and say hi. He tells her good luck and she smiles before doing the same. Chris chooses that moment to thank everyone again and that this performance should be about fun.
The group of actors makes their way to the section of the seating reserved for them and the show starts.
The audience loves all the numbers and the well known faces, as well as some of the more unknown ones. There is a murmur through the crowd when Rachel takes to the stage and flawlessly performs Rose’s Turn. She bows and blows a kiss to the audience. Jesse sees that soon she is going to be the one headlining something big.
As she makes her way back to her seat she gives Jesse a smile. She loves these kinds of performances. They’re intimate, fun and the pressure of filling seats every night is off. It’s a time to showcase talent and share a passion for the stage with other likeminded people. She can’t wait for what Jesse has in store. She still doesn’t know what he’s performing, but she knows that he will pull it off.
Soon Chris is on stage introducing Jesse. He tells the audience that Jesse is one of the undiscovered greats of this city and soon everyone here will be seeing him in Playbill and all across Broadway. Jesse is shaking his head as he takes the mic.
“Thanks Chris. So tonight I decided on a Stephen Sondheim number because only he can express my melancholia.” Jesse says with such a dramatic flare and heart broken face that the audience laughs at the little joke.
The only one not laughing is Rachel. She remembers when Jesse had said the same thing to her and she is wondering how it applies to this moment.
“So this is a little variation on one of his standards.”
A single piano begins the opening to 'Send in the Clowns" and everything is silent. Rachel's jaw drops open in surprise and she can't tear her eyes from Jesse.
Isn't it rich? Are we a Pair ?
Me here at last on the ground
You in Mid-air
Send in the clowns.
Jesse's eyes roam across the audience, but when he sings the lines about him being on the ground his eyes find Rachel. He needs her to know that he chose this song for a reason. His eyes leave hers as he starts the second verse.
Isn't this bliss? Don't you approve?
One who Keeps tearing around
One who can't move
Where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns
Just when I'd stopped opening doors
knowing the one that i wanted was yours
making my entrance again with my usual flair
sure of my lines
no one is there
Jesse knew when he saw her in Gypsy that she is who he wanted, who he needed and yesterday when he went to make the first move and she turned him down he felt alone again.
Don't you love farce?
My fault I fear
I thought that you'd want what I want
Sorry my dear
But where are the clowns?
There ought to be clowns
Quick send in the clown
What a surprise?
Who could foresee?
I'd come to feel about you
what you felt about me.
Jesse had loved Rachel when they had been together, probably not on the same level that she had loved him, but he couldn't deny, even now that she had always kept a piece of his heart.
Why only now when I see
That you'd drifted away
What a surprise
What a cliche
For the last verse Jesse's eyes find Rachel's. He's singing to her, every emotion he is putting into this performance is for her. The song explains not just to her, but to the audience how he is feeling. More so than any words could.
Isn't it Rich? Isn't it queer?
Losing my timing this late
in my career?
And where are the clowns?
Quick, send in the clowns
Don't bother they're here.
Jesse’s voice fades slightly on the last word. He’s caught up in the emotion and the story he has just told.
The audience is silent for a moment before bursting into a loud applause and a few give Jesse a standing ovation. They had experienced the song with him and he had bared his soul to them and in return the audience was moved, some have tears glistening in their eyes, others feel the goose bumps across their skin. In the crowd the few stage directors and casting directors were making notes to talk with him after the show to get him to come in to do an audition. They figured if he could pour that much into a five minute song, he would be even stronger in a play.
Rachel listens to the burst of applause. Tears that had gathered when Jesse’s voice first filled the air trickle down her cheeks. She remembers the first time she had heard his smooth, melodic voice and how it just took songs to another place. She remembers singing with him and how their voices mingled and joined at the right moments filling in and filling out the songs. Rachel applauds but it’s just an automatic reaction. She’s still trying to wrap her head (and heart) around the song and what Jesse meant by singing it and singing it partially to her.
Jesse is still standing on the stage when Chris tells the rest of the performers to join them for the last two numbers which will be audience choice. The small crowd likes this and begins shouting out ideas. After the final two numbers are performed the actors bow and head to the foyer of the theatre where the audience can come and talk with them. On there way there everyone congratulates Jesse on his performance, saying it was the best of the night.
Jesse sees Rachel out of the corner of his eye. She doesn’t come over, but gives him a smile and a look that he can’t decipher. He’s about to make his way to talk to her, when he is pulled to the side by the first of the audience members.
For the next two hours Jesse and everyone is congratulated on their performances. Jesse though is the most sought out. He is basking in the adulation of all the people. Rachel watches him and remembers ‘Jesse St. James’ and right now as he’s talking to people that’s who he is.
Jesse is thanking everyone. He can’t believe how lucky he is to have done this performance. It has gotten him more offers for auditions than his agent ever did. He doesn’t let that go to his head; he’s more realistic about those things now. The last person to come up to him is a casting director for a new musical. He tells Jesse that if he wants the role of the male lead it’s mostly his, he just has to come in and do an acting test with a few members of the company. Jesse tells him it would be an honour and gives him his email to set up a time.
Soon the small theatre is empty just a few of the actors left. Jesse makes his escape out of the foyer and sits on the steps leading to that main hall. He can’t believe how well tonight went for him. He just wishes that he had the chance to talk to Rachel before she left. He closes his eyes for a moment, but opens them when he feels someone sit next to him. He glances over and sees Rachel. They don’t speak, just look at each other for a moment as if seeing each other for the first time.
“Hi.” She finally says.
“Hi.”
“You were phenomenal.”
“Thanks,” He says, “so were you.”
She smiles in response. “You were better.”
Silence falls between them again.
“I saw you talking to Steve Barnes earlier.”
“Yeah he offered me the male lead in a new play.”
“That would be opposite me.” She tells him and he can’t hide the smile on his face. He knows that he is going to nail the acting test if he has to act opposite Rachel.
“I hope you get it.” She tells him sincerely.
“Thanks.” Jesse says before continuing on. “I never forgot about you Rachel. Not even after leaving Lima and trying my hardest to get away from that city. I never forgot what you meant to me, and how much I loved you. And I was too young and stupid to realize it at the time but you were perfect for me, and I should have cared more about that then winning.”
“I told you I forgave you for that and maybe if you had apologized sooner we wouldn’t have had to have waited almost seven years to talk.” Rachel says and Jesse does feel like a fool. “But I also could have reached out to you; I mean it wouldn’t have been that hard to find you through Shelby or Facebook.” Rachel tells him admitting her own foolishness in the situation.
“I guess I chose the right song then, huh?”
“Yeah, you did.” She says. “Although I have to be honest with you, I’m not really seeing anyone.”
Jesse quirks an eyebrow at her.
“I lied yesterday. I thought I would protect myself from you if I said that I was involved with someone. But your performance tonight made me realize how much of a fool I was for doing that.”
Jesse’s smile at her admission brightens his whole face.
“So does that mean you want to try?” He has.
Rachel nods and drops a kiss to the corner of his lips. “I think we can try, but let’s take it slow. Get to know each other as who we are now.”
“I can do that.” Jesse responds. He stands and offers his hand to Rachel, “So Miss Berry, can I buy you a drink?”
“Yes.” Rachel says, taking his hand to help her stand, but not dropping it.
Jesse smiles at this and leads Rachel out of the theatre into the New York City night.