Fic: Welcome to Earth: Diplomatic Incident
Title: WELCOME TO EARTH: DIPLOMATIC INCIDENT
Characters: Jack, Ianto, Yengi Gestalt
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: Open
Spoilers: Minor, for series
Disclaimer: Not mine; they belong to the BBC.
A/N: Apologies, but this story will sail straight over the heads of non-UK readers. Suffice to say that the Yengi have been watching an advert for a painkiller. I think you can watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5ey8poS4Ts.
Summary: Alien minds can sometimes jump to the damndest conclusions….
“Jack?”
Jack Harkness looked up sharply. He knew Ianto Jones well enough by now to know that particular tone of voice and it was one that never boded well. Sure enough, Ianto was standing at the door to his office with a bemused expression on his face. Knowing the degree of insanity that was needed to accomplish that, Jack bade farewell to the idea of a quiet afternoon pretending to do paperwork.
“Tell me the worst,” he said in resignation.
“It’s the Yengi Embassy,” Ianto informed him. “They need to talk with you.”
Jack groaned. “Does it have to be recorded?” It had taken him a while to live down the recording taken of the initial diplomatic overtures with the bacteria-sized group consciousness.
“I’m not sure. It might be wise. They seem to be exceptionally upset.”
“Really? That’s so unlike them,” Jack said sarcastically as he obediently followed after Ianto. For a race so small that individuals could only be seen through a microscope and large numbers resembled slabs of mould, the Yengi Gestalt were a seething mass of gossiping, oversensitive divas.
At least the original mug had been replaced, Jack thought with relief as he entered the room Ianto had set up for the Yengi. It had been deemed too dangerous to let them out into the open air so it had been agreed that they would remain with Torchwood Cardiff. Ianto had organised a small side room with the dim, warm and damp environment that was most suitable for them. He had set up a large TV screen (sealed against the damp) which fed a steady diet of Earth entertainment and factual documentaries to the insatiably curious Gestalt. He had also carefully decanted the Gestalt from their initial home in the coffee mug and into a cut-glass punch bowl, on the grounds that diplomats deserved something a little classier than basic pottery.
The Yengi had been very happy in their new home and had flourished in the perfect conditions, especially with Ianto feeding them a mixture of coffee mixed with condensed milk every week. The original muddy blue-green mat had been transformed into a fairy forest of sapphire, emerald and amethyst that gave off a soft bioluminescence. Jack had to admit that, as bacteria-sized group consciousnesses went, they were pretty snazzy.
It didn’t make him feel any less of an idiot to be talking to a glowing punch bowl, though.
“I, um, understand that you have a matter of concern you wish to raise?” he asked when he arrived. He refused to sit in the plastic chair that was the only sensible seating option, since the Yengi tended to succumb to the temptation to colonise any fabric covered piece of furniture and wood didn’t fare well in the damp conditions.
“We demand the right to lodge a complaint as to the heinous manner in which we have witnessed your species behaving!” was the immediate shriek.
Jack winced and Ianto apologetically adjusted the volume to the communication relay he had set up once he had realised the Yengi were doing the equivalent of screaming at the top of their (non-existent) lungs in order to be heard. This meant, of course, that when they did scream at the top of their (non-existent) lungs, anyone within reasonable distance got deafened.
“If you would be so gracious as to give me details as to the incident I will be happy to investigate and report back to you,” Jack said cautiously. He tended to be a little paranoid after the incident with the Whitehall mandarin and the strawberry jam.
“We demand to be reassured that the appalling example of genocidal behaviour that we witnessed a short time ago is not an example of how the people of Earth behave towards other species of life!” the Yengi yelled.
“Genocidal behaviour?” Jack echoed in bewilderment. He looked at Ianto and saw that the Welshman looked just as confused. “I don’t understand.”
“Your electronic device showed us the evidence in grisly and unspeakable detail,” the Yengi continued to froth. “Some of our more sensitive members are having to be nurtured by the rest of us, so devastating was the impact upon their psyche.”
Oh Lord, Jack thought. He had a brief mental image of a bacterium reclining on a chaise lounge while clutching a vinaigrette and struggled against the urge to giggle. “I’m very sorry to hear that, but I need to know what happened in a little more detail.”
“Difficult though we know it is for beings of such exquisite sensibilities as yourselves,” Ianto added smoothly, “we must beg your indulgence of our grosser minds and tell us what happened.”
Jack threw an admiring look in Ianto’s direction. He always loved it when Ianto talked prissy. It was such a damn turn on. He made a mental note for them to play Jeeves and Wooster again very soon. Judging from the eye-roll he got back from Ianto, the Welshman had a fair idea of where Jack’s mind was going.
“We cannot bring ourselves to speak of it. That we find ourselves in the power of beings capable of such horrendous acts has reduced us to a state of incapacitation-“
But not silence, Jack noted irreverently.
“-and we can only say that the incident in question happened three hours, seventeen minutes and twenty-nine seconds ago. We demand reassurances that you do not intend to perpetrate such atrocities on ourselves. We are in communication with the greater Yengi Gestalt and our lingering suffering will be witnessed and reprisals visited upon this planet of depravity, this sink-hole of evil, this hotbed of-“
“I get the picture,” Jack said hastily. These beings could rant for Olympic gold if they were given half the chance. “I promise you that we’ll look into it and get back to you but I can very firmly assure you that we have no intention of perpetrating any atrocities today.”
“Or any day,” Ianto put in hastily, glaring at Jack.
“Or any day,” Jack repeated, hoping that he sounded convincing. “What the hell was all that about?” he demanded after Ianto had hustled him out of the room. “Have they watched a documentary on bacteriological warfare or something?”
“Highly unlikely since I have a filter on the TV that blocks anything relating to germs, detergents and bleaches, biological warfare, eradication of diseases, etc,” Ianto said peevishly as he hunted through the feed that had been piped through to the Yengi. “I can’t for the life of me see what would have started them-“ He stopped suddenly as he stared at the small screen, then just as abruptly sat down.
“Ianto?” Jack prodded anxiously after a moment. “What is it?”
“It’s…” Words seemed to fail Ianto for a moment and he gestured weakly at the screen.
A confused Jack shifted so he could see the small screen which was showing what had been on the larger TV at the time stamp the Yengi had given them. For a moment he couldn’t for the life of him see what could have set the little idiots off since all that was being shown was an advert for some kind of painkiller. It took a couple more seconds before he made the connection.
“Oh, dear Lord,” he murmured not sure whether or not he should be swearing or laughing.
Ianto was having no such doubts and was showing an admirable knowledge of swear words. “Of all the idiotic-“
“Alien minds, remember?” Jack soothed with a smile. “Just because we think in a particular way and have specific ways of communicating, that doesn’t mean an alien mind would work the same way. To us, this is a mildly amusing and obviously fictional way of depicting how a product works. To the Yengi…”
Ianto sighed and watched as the pill on the screen threw a beam of light on another ‘headache creature’ and transformed it into a nice brightly coloured neuron - or whatever the hell the advertiser was trying to portray. Not having minds with the same kind of visual library as Humans, the Yengi had seen some kind of human-created artefact mutating a creature into something small and defenceless. When you were already small and relatively defenceless, seeing something like that would probably be pretty unsettling.
“So,” he said conversationally as he turned back to Jack, “what are you going to say to them?” His heart sank when he saw the smirk on Jack’s face. “No. Whatever it is, Jack, no.”
“Who’s the expert on alien species, Ianto?” Jack said brightly as he turned to sweep back into the Yengi Embassy’s bolthole. “Trust me; I’ll appeal to their intellectual side….”
Nearly seventy five years after First Contact, the Yengi Gestalt would still be scaring the membranes off their younger members by relating the tale of the Wicked Witch of the Migraine and how it mutated innocent neurones that the valiant Knight of Neurofen then set out to rescue and restore to their rightful form.
History drew a discreet veil over what Ianto Jones said to Captain Jack Harkness when he found out.
OOOO
Characters: Jack, Ianto, Yengi Gestalt
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: Open
Spoilers: Minor, for series
Disclaimer: Not mine; they belong to the BBC.
A/N: Apologies, but this story will sail straight over the heads of non-UK readers. Suffice to say that the Yengi have been watching an advert for a painkiller. I think you can watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5ey8poS4Ts.
Summary: Alien minds can sometimes jump to the damndest conclusions….
“Jack?”
Jack Harkness looked up sharply. He knew Ianto Jones well enough by now to know that particular tone of voice and it was one that never boded well. Sure enough, Ianto was standing at the door to his office with a bemused expression on his face. Knowing the degree of insanity that was needed to accomplish that, Jack bade farewell to the idea of a quiet afternoon pretending to do paperwork.
“Tell me the worst,” he said in resignation.
“It’s the Yengi Embassy,” Ianto informed him. “They need to talk with you.”
Jack groaned. “Does it have to be recorded?” It had taken him a while to live down the recording taken of the initial diplomatic overtures with the bacteria-sized group consciousness.
“I’m not sure. It might be wise. They seem to be exceptionally upset.”
“Really? That’s so unlike them,” Jack said sarcastically as he obediently followed after Ianto. For a race so small that individuals could only be seen through a microscope and large numbers resembled slabs of mould, the Yengi Gestalt were a seething mass of gossiping, oversensitive divas.
At least the original mug had been replaced, Jack thought with relief as he entered the room Ianto had set up for the Yengi. It had been deemed too dangerous to let them out into the open air so it had been agreed that they would remain with Torchwood Cardiff. Ianto had organised a small side room with the dim, warm and damp environment that was most suitable for them. He had set up a large TV screen (sealed against the damp) which fed a steady diet of Earth entertainment and factual documentaries to the insatiably curious Gestalt. He had also carefully decanted the Gestalt from their initial home in the coffee mug and into a cut-glass punch bowl, on the grounds that diplomats deserved something a little classier than basic pottery.
The Yengi had been very happy in their new home and had flourished in the perfect conditions, especially with Ianto feeding them a mixture of coffee mixed with condensed milk every week. The original muddy blue-green mat had been transformed into a fairy forest of sapphire, emerald and amethyst that gave off a soft bioluminescence. Jack had to admit that, as bacteria-sized group consciousnesses went, they were pretty snazzy.
It didn’t make him feel any less of an idiot to be talking to a glowing punch bowl, though.
“I, um, understand that you have a matter of concern you wish to raise?” he asked when he arrived. He refused to sit in the plastic chair that was the only sensible seating option, since the Yengi tended to succumb to the temptation to colonise any fabric covered piece of furniture and wood didn’t fare well in the damp conditions.
“We demand the right to lodge a complaint as to the heinous manner in which we have witnessed your species behaving!” was the immediate shriek.
Jack winced and Ianto apologetically adjusted the volume to the communication relay he had set up once he had realised the Yengi were doing the equivalent of screaming at the top of their (non-existent) lungs in order to be heard. This meant, of course, that when they did scream at the top of their (non-existent) lungs, anyone within reasonable distance got deafened.
“If you would be so gracious as to give me details as to the incident I will be happy to investigate and report back to you,” Jack said cautiously. He tended to be a little paranoid after the incident with the Whitehall mandarin and the strawberry jam.
“We demand to be reassured that the appalling example of genocidal behaviour that we witnessed a short time ago is not an example of how the people of Earth behave towards other species of life!” the Yengi yelled.
“Genocidal behaviour?” Jack echoed in bewilderment. He looked at Ianto and saw that the Welshman looked just as confused. “I don’t understand.”
“Your electronic device showed us the evidence in grisly and unspeakable detail,” the Yengi continued to froth. “Some of our more sensitive members are having to be nurtured by the rest of us, so devastating was the impact upon their psyche.”
Oh Lord, Jack thought. He had a brief mental image of a bacterium reclining on a chaise lounge while clutching a vinaigrette and struggled against the urge to giggle. “I’m very sorry to hear that, but I need to know what happened in a little more detail.”
“Difficult though we know it is for beings of such exquisite sensibilities as yourselves,” Ianto added smoothly, “we must beg your indulgence of our grosser minds and tell us what happened.”
Jack threw an admiring look in Ianto’s direction. He always loved it when Ianto talked prissy. It was such a damn turn on. He made a mental note for them to play Jeeves and Wooster again very soon. Judging from the eye-roll he got back from Ianto, the Welshman had a fair idea of where Jack’s mind was going.
“We cannot bring ourselves to speak of it. That we find ourselves in the power of beings capable of such horrendous acts has reduced us to a state of incapacitation-“
But not silence, Jack noted irreverently.
“-and we can only say that the incident in question happened three hours, seventeen minutes and twenty-nine seconds ago. We demand reassurances that you do not intend to perpetrate such atrocities on ourselves. We are in communication with the greater Yengi Gestalt and our lingering suffering will be witnessed and reprisals visited upon this planet of depravity, this sink-hole of evil, this hotbed of-“
“I get the picture,” Jack said hastily. These beings could rant for Olympic gold if they were given half the chance. “I promise you that we’ll look into it and get back to you but I can very firmly assure you that we have no intention of perpetrating any atrocities today.”
“Or any day,” Ianto put in hastily, glaring at Jack.
“Or any day,” Jack repeated, hoping that he sounded convincing. “What the hell was all that about?” he demanded after Ianto had hustled him out of the room. “Have they watched a documentary on bacteriological warfare or something?”
“Highly unlikely since I have a filter on the TV that blocks anything relating to germs, detergents and bleaches, biological warfare, eradication of diseases, etc,” Ianto said peevishly as he hunted through the feed that had been piped through to the Yengi. “I can’t for the life of me see what would have started them-“ He stopped suddenly as he stared at the small screen, then just as abruptly sat down.
“Ianto?” Jack prodded anxiously after a moment. “What is it?”
“It’s…” Words seemed to fail Ianto for a moment and he gestured weakly at the screen.
A confused Jack shifted so he could see the small screen which was showing what had been on the larger TV at the time stamp the Yengi had given them. For a moment he couldn’t for the life of him see what could have set the little idiots off since all that was being shown was an advert for some kind of painkiller. It took a couple more seconds before he made the connection.
“Oh, dear Lord,” he murmured not sure whether or not he should be swearing or laughing.
Ianto was having no such doubts and was showing an admirable knowledge of swear words. “Of all the idiotic-“
“Alien minds, remember?” Jack soothed with a smile. “Just because we think in a particular way and have specific ways of communicating, that doesn’t mean an alien mind would work the same way. To us, this is a mildly amusing and obviously fictional way of depicting how a product works. To the Yengi…”
Ianto sighed and watched as the pill on the screen threw a beam of light on another ‘headache creature’ and transformed it into a nice brightly coloured neuron - or whatever the hell the advertiser was trying to portray. Not having minds with the same kind of visual library as Humans, the Yengi had seen some kind of human-created artefact mutating a creature into something small and defenceless. When you were already small and relatively defenceless, seeing something like that would probably be pretty unsettling.
“So,” he said conversationally as he turned back to Jack, “what are you going to say to them?” His heart sank when he saw the smirk on Jack’s face. “No. Whatever it is, Jack, no.”
“Who’s the expert on alien species, Ianto?” Jack said brightly as he turned to sweep back into the Yengi Embassy’s bolthole. “Trust me; I’ll appeal to their intellectual side….”
Nearly seventy five years after First Contact, the Yengi Gestalt would still be scaring the membranes off their younger members by relating the tale of the Wicked Witch of the Migraine and how it mutated innocent neurones that the valiant Knight of Neurofen then set out to rescue and restore to their rightful form.
History drew a discreet veil over what Ianto Jones said to Captain Jack Harkness when he found out.
OOOO