Fic: Welcome to Earth: First Contact
Title: WELCOME TO EARTH: FIRST CONTACT
Characters: Jack, Ianto
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: Open (although there is one swear word)
Spoilers: Minor, for series
Disclaimer: Not mine; they belong to the BBC.
Summary: Sometimes it’s tough being the leader of Torchwood Three.
Jack looked up as Ianto walked into his office, but his attention fastened immediately on the mug Ianto was holding in his hands. All of the team had gone into withdrawal during the week Ianto had been on sick leave, recovering from a violent altercation with some blowfish, but now he was back and things were rapidly getting back to normal, barring the odd bit of dark muttering from Ianto when he discovered something else the others had forgotten to do. Jack had already had two mugs of Ianto’s finest but was more than willing to accept a third. He reached for the mug, then gave him a bewildered look as Ianto avoided the grab and shook his head.
“What?”
Ianto placed the mug down in front of him. When Jack looked down in confusion, he wrinkled his nose at the state of the mug’s interior. It looked like whoever had originally made whatever drink had been in the mug had walked away and forgotten about it. Mould of some kind had colonised the bottom of the mug and was steadily climbing up the sides.
“Yuk!”
A small smile tugged at Ianto’s mouth. “Would that be your considered opinion, sir?”
“This wasn’t me,” Jack said defensively. He’d learned his lesson the hard way: two weeks of Tesco’s own brand instant coffee (decaff at that!) had taught him the merits of washing up after him.
“I know it wasn’t,” Ianto said mildly, with only a glint of mischief in his eyes letting Jack know that he remembered that incident as well. “This was Owen’s doing.”
Poor Owen, Jack thought, but he was still confused. He knew that Ianto wouldn’t be bringing in a filthy cup to show him with the expectation of Jack punishing Owen. Jack knew that Ianto would already be weaving some kind of creative revenge for Owen and would most likely resent any interference on Jack’s part. His incomprehension must have showed because Ianto’s amusement deepened. He leant closer and lifted the cup so it was directly between the two of them and just at chin level.
“Looks like I’ll have to give this cup a thorough going-over with some bleach,” he said coolly.
Jack blinked. He had his kinks but being given a thorough going-over with some bleach wasn’t one of them! He opened his mouth to ask Ianto what on earth was going on in that fiendish Welsh head of his, but his mouth stayed open as his jaw dropped at the sound of high-pitched voices coming from inside the mug.
“Noooo, Earthman! Not the bleach! We come in peace, we come in peace!”
He goggled at the mug as Ianto lowered it again. “What the hell…?”
Ianto chuckled. “It would seem that Owen had this cup in the autopsy room while he was doing some work on an alien corpse. Something must have carried to the mug and the drink inside provided a fertile ground for these beings to flourish.”
Jack sighed. The things that happened in this place… “Fine, give them back to Owen so he can-“ He realised Ianto was shaking his head. “No?”
“No, sir.” There was something dangerously close to a smirk on Ianto’s face. “It would appear that these beings are a group intelligence and they wish to enter into negotiations with the leader of our organisation.”
“Which would be me,” Jack said, his heart sinking.
“Which would be you,” Ianto confirmed, the smirk only marginally under control.
“Fine,” Jack sighed. “Give it here,” he continued, holding out his hand.
Ianto retained his hold on the mug. “Technically this is a case of first contact, sir, which means that Torchwood protocols must be adhered to.”
Jack blinked. “You have got to be kidding me!” He glowered. “You’re not. You’re actually going to make me do that?”
“I have everything set up in the conference room, sir,” Ianto said, his primness barely balancing out the mirth in his eyes.
“This is revenge for my banning you from the Hub while you were on sick leave, isn’t it?” Jack muttered darkly as he gave in and got up to make for the conference room. This was going to be embarrassing as hell.
“As if I would stoop to such measures, sir,” Ianto said in shocked accents as he followed after him happily, the alien-infested coffee mug now ensconced on a silver tray.
Jack’s reply was very carefully couched in his childhood language but he knew better than to try and wriggle out of it when Ianto had solid grounds for insisting that he did so.
Which is why, in years to come, anyone researching the beginnings of the ‘special relationship’ that arose between the Yengi Gestalt and Humanity would be treated to the sight of Captain Jack Harkness - that most famous of Torchwood leaders - making diplomatic overtures to a mug emblazoned with the slogan ‘FUCK ME, I’M A DOCTOR’.
Characters: Jack, Ianto
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: Open (although there is one swear word)
Spoilers: Minor, for series
Disclaimer: Not mine; they belong to the BBC.
Summary: Sometimes it’s tough being the leader of Torchwood Three.
Jack looked up as Ianto walked into his office, but his attention fastened immediately on the mug Ianto was holding in his hands. All of the team had gone into withdrawal during the week Ianto had been on sick leave, recovering from a violent altercation with some blowfish, but now he was back and things were rapidly getting back to normal, barring the odd bit of dark muttering from Ianto when he discovered something else the others had forgotten to do. Jack had already had two mugs of Ianto’s finest but was more than willing to accept a third. He reached for the mug, then gave him a bewildered look as Ianto avoided the grab and shook his head.
“What?”
Ianto placed the mug down in front of him. When Jack looked down in confusion, he wrinkled his nose at the state of the mug’s interior. It looked like whoever had originally made whatever drink had been in the mug had walked away and forgotten about it. Mould of some kind had colonised the bottom of the mug and was steadily climbing up the sides.
“Yuk!”
A small smile tugged at Ianto’s mouth. “Would that be your considered opinion, sir?”
“This wasn’t me,” Jack said defensively. He’d learned his lesson the hard way: two weeks of Tesco’s own brand instant coffee (decaff at that!) had taught him the merits of washing up after him.
“I know it wasn’t,” Ianto said mildly, with only a glint of mischief in his eyes letting Jack know that he remembered that incident as well. “This was Owen’s doing.”
Poor Owen, Jack thought, but he was still confused. He knew that Ianto wouldn’t be bringing in a filthy cup to show him with the expectation of Jack punishing Owen. Jack knew that Ianto would already be weaving some kind of creative revenge for Owen and would most likely resent any interference on Jack’s part. His incomprehension must have showed because Ianto’s amusement deepened. He leant closer and lifted the cup so it was directly between the two of them and just at chin level.
“Looks like I’ll have to give this cup a thorough going-over with some bleach,” he said coolly.
Jack blinked. He had his kinks but being given a thorough going-over with some bleach wasn’t one of them! He opened his mouth to ask Ianto what on earth was going on in that fiendish Welsh head of his, but his mouth stayed open as his jaw dropped at the sound of high-pitched voices coming from inside the mug.
“Noooo, Earthman! Not the bleach! We come in peace, we come in peace!”
He goggled at the mug as Ianto lowered it again. “What the hell…?”
Ianto chuckled. “It would seem that Owen had this cup in the autopsy room while he was doing some work on an alien corpse. Something must have carried to the mug and the drink inside provided a fertile ground for these beings to flourish.”
Jack sighed. The things that happened in this place… “Fine, give them back to Owen so he can-“ He realised Ianto was shaking his head. “No?”
“No, sir.” There was something dangerously close to a smirk on Ianto’s face. “It would appear that these beings are a group intelligence and they wish to enter into negotiations with the leader of our organisation.”
“Which would be me,” Jack said, his heart sinking.
“Which would be you,” Ianto confirmed, the smirk only marginally under control.
“Fine,” Jack sighed. “Give it here,” he continued, holding out his hand.
Ianto retained his hold on the mug. “Technically this is a case of first contact, sir, which means that Torchwood protocols must be adhered to.”
Jack blinked. “You have got to be kidding me!” He glowered. “You’re not. You’re actually going to make me do that?”
“I have everything set up in the conference room, sir,” Ianto said, his primness barely balancing out the mirth in his eyes.
“This is revenge for my banning you from the Hub while you were on sick leave, isn’t it?” Jack muttered darkly as he gave in and got up to make for the conference room. This was going to be embarrassing as hell.
“As if I would stoop to such measures, sir,” Ianto said in shocked accents as he followed after him happily, the alien-infested coffee mug now ensconced on a silver tray.
Jack’s reply was very carefully couched in his childhood language but he knew better than to try and wriggle out of it when Ianto had solid grounds for insisting that he did so.
Which is why, in years to come, anyone researching the beginnings of the ‘special relationship’ that arose between the Yengi Gestalt and Humanity would be treated to the sight of Captain Jack Harkness - that most famous of Torchwood leaders - making diplomatic overtures to a mug emblazoned with the slogan ‘FUCK ME, I’M A DOCTOR’.