Fic - Unforseen Risk Elements
Title: UNFORSEEN RISK ELEMENTS
Characters: Jack, Ianto, shamelessly abused SUV
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: Open
Spoilers: None whatsoever
Disclaimer: Not mine; they belong to the BBC.
Prompt: This is all szm‘s fault. I am, as always, blameless.
Summary: Ianto always worries when he gets ‘those’ calls from Jack.
Ianto drew up outside the garage and watched as Jack practically leapt out through the door and headed in his direction, sliding into the passenger seat of Ianto’s Audi without so much as a murmur or demand to be allowed to drive. His eyebrows climbed as Jack slid on the seat belt and sat back in obvious expectation of their departing immediately.
“All right,” he sighed. “What did you do this time?”
“Nothing!” Jack exclaimed, the very picture of affronted shock that Ianto would make such an accusation.
“Jack, you left the Hub driving one of the Torchwood SUVs. Twenty minutes ago you asked me to come and fetch you and the SUV is conspicuously absent. I don’t need a degree in temporal physics to do the math. What did you do?”
Jack said nothing but managed to look sulkily furtive. Ianto winced. That particular facial contortion was never good. With another, gustier, sigh, he undid his own seat belt and got out of the car. There was an immediate yelp and Jack got out as well, giving him much the same demented look as his head came into view over the top of the car as Ianto would imagine on the face of a meerkat trying to reason with a travelling salesman lion.
“Where are you going?” Jack demanded in agitation.
“To check on the state of the SUV.”
“Ack! No! Nonono, not a good idea!”
“Was that a squawk of dismay, Jack?” Ianto asked suspiciously.
Jack changed his expression to one of outraged innocence so fast he nearly got facial whiplash. “What? No!”
Ianto gave him a challenging look. “So you don’t mind my going to check on the SUV?”
Jack stared at him for a long moment, looking as if he was going to say something a couple of times before changing his mind. He glanced down at his Vortex Manipulator and Ianto figured he was probably wishing it still worked and he could teleport away. After a moment, Jack took a deep breath and gave Ianto a sheepish look.
“The SUV… might be a little bit damaged,” he admitted.
Ianto folded his arms and gave him one of his best looks. “Might be? Damaged?”
“The tiniest ittlest bit,” Jack assured him earnestly, lifting his hand to show the smallest gap between finger and thumb.
“Ittlest?” Ianto kept his face straight with an effort. “Is that some 51st century term?”
Jack looked as though he was seriously considering sticking his tongue out at him. “39th, actually.”
Ianto gave a snort of amusement and turned to continue on his way into the garage. “Take it on the chin, Jack,” he called over his shoulder when Jack yelped again.
The SUV was parked right at the back of the garage and at first glance there didn’t seem to be all that much wrong with it. It was security-locked: Ianto could see the soft rise and fall of the blue security monitor through the heavily tinted glass.
“See? Everything’s fine!” Jack said heartily from behind him. “Just needs a… buff… or something.”
Ianto didn’t even dignify that with a response. A burly mechanic in overalls had appeared from the office and was sauntering towards them, eyeing Jack worriedly as the other man started to pull elaborate faces and make weird gestures at him.
“How do,” he said amiably. “Thought you were going to go off and arrange to get this tank of yours to get towed away.”
“Towed away?” Ianto asked in a neutral tone of voice.
“Oh yes,” the mechanic said cheerfully. “Fancy rig that might be but it’s not going anywhere with a broken axle, now is it?”
“Broken axle,” Ianto said in an even more neutral tone. Jack gave a strangled sound and slumped, admitting defeat. “Yes, that would mean it needed to get towed away. We’ll be off and get it arranged.”
He turned and left, knowing that Jack was trailing after him and doing his best kicked puppy impersonation. He waited until they were back in his car before he turned to Jack and raised an eyebrow.
“It wasn’t my fault!” Jack immediately protested.
“Were you driving the SUV?”
“Yes, but-”
“Was there anyone else in the SUV besides yourself?”
“No, but-”
“Did some malign alien force attack you?”
“Hah, yes!” Jack said triumphantly.
Ianto blinked. “What?”
“I was attacked,” Jack agreed, nodding vigorously.
“Hang on, you’re telling me that you were attacked by some malign alien force that made a point of breaking your axle?”
Jack nodded his head so hard it nearly came off “It was awful.”
“Awful,” Ianto echoed.
“Terrible. It just came at me from out of nowhere. One moment I was driving along, minding my own business, and the next it pounced. Took me completely by surprise and that takes some doing. They’re getting sneakier all the time, I can tell you.”
Ianto eyed him uncertainly. He was pretty sure that Jack was lying through his teeth but he wasn’t absolutely sure. “So what did it look like?”
“That’s sort of difficult to describe.”
“Jack, we have to figure out how to track this alien down before it attacks someone else,” Ianto protested.
“Wellll…”
“Jack, you might as well tell me,” Ianto said, using his you-have-one-more-chance-and-then-it’s-decaff tone of voice. Jack mumbled something under his breath. “Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.”
“It might have looked a bit like a pothole,” Jack repeated through gritted teeth.
“A pothole? You crashed the SUV into a pothole?”
“It lunged at me!
Once again Ianto was reminded that life with Jack had that little extra something that other people never knew. “Jack, potholes don’t lunge at people-”
“And the fangs!” Jack continued with growing enthusiasm. “Did I mention the fangs? Dripping with venom!”
Ianto gave up and listened to Jack’s increasingly inventive ideas on the natural history of alien potholes as he drove them back to the Hub. No, most people didn’t have that little extra something that life with Jack always had.
“And you know those little clumps of tarmac that sometimes fly up and smash windscreens? Those are the eggs! They burrow into upholstery and eat the car from the inside out-”
God, he felt sorry for them.
Characters: Jack, Ianto, shamelessly abused SUV
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: Open
Spoilers: None whatsoever
Disclaimer: Not mine; they belong to the BBC.
Prompt: This is all szm‘s fault. I am, as always, blameless.
Summary: Ianto always worries when he gets ‘those’ calls from Jack.
Ianto drew up outside the garage and watched as Jack practically leapt out through the door and headed in his direction, sliding into the passenger seat of Ianto’s Audi without so much as a murmur or demand to be allowed to drive. His eyebrows climbed as Jack slid on the seat belt and sat back in obvious expectation of their departing immediately.
“All right,” he sighed. “What did you do this time?”
“Nothing!” Jack exclaimed, the very picture of affronted shock that Ianto would make such an accusation.
“Jack, you left the Hub driving one of the Torchwood SUVs. Twenty minutes ago you asked me to come and fetch you and the SUV is conspicuously absent. I don’t need a degree in temporal physics to do the math. What did you do?”
Jack said nothing but managed to look sulkily furtive. Ianto winced. That particular facial contortion was never good. With another, gustier, sigh, he undid his own seat belt and got out of the car. There was an immediate yelp and Jack got out as well, giving him much the same demented look as his head came into view over the top of the car as Ianto would imagine on the face of a meerkat trying to reason with a travelling salesman lion.
“Where are you going?” Jack demanded in agitation.
“To check on the state of the SUV.”
“Ack! No! Nonono, not a good idea!”
“Was that a squawk of dismay, Jack?” Ianto asked suspiciously.
Jack changed his expression to one of outraged innocence so fast he nearly got facial whiplash. “What? No!”
Ianto gave him a challenging look. “So you don’t mind my going to check on the SUV?”
Jack stared at him for a long moment, looking as if he was going to say something a couple of times before changing his mind. He glanced down at his Vortex Manipulator and Ianto figured he was probably wishing it still worked and he could teleport away. After a moment, Jack took a deep breath and gave Ianto a sheepish look.
“The SUV… might be a little bit damaged,” he admitted.
Ianto folded his arms and gave him one of his best looks. “Might be? Damaged?”
“The tiniest ittlest bit,” Jack assured him earnestly, lifting his hand to show the smallest gap between finger and thumb.
“Ittlest?” Ianto kept his face straight with an effort. “Is that some 51st century term?”
Jack looked as though he was seriously considering sticking his tongue out at him. “39th, actually.”
Ianto gave a snort of amusement and turned to continue on his way into the garage. “Take it on the chin, Jack,” he called over his shoulder when Jack yelped again.
The SUV was parked right at the back of the garage and at first glance there didn’t seem to be all that much wrong with it. It was security-locked: Ianto could see the soft rise and fall of the blue security monitor through the heavily tinted glass.
“See? Everything’s fine!” Jack said heartily from behind him. “Just needs a… buff… or something.”
Ianto didn’t even dignify that with a response. A burly mechanic in overalls had appeared from the office and was sauntering towards them, eyeing Jack worriedly as the other man started to pull elaborate faces and make weird gestures at him.
“How do,” he said amiably. “Thought you were going to go off and arrange to get this tank of yours to get towed away.”
“Towed away?” Ianto asked in a neutral tone of voice.
“Oh yes,” the mechanic said cheerfully. “Fancy rig that might be but it’s not going anywhere with a broken axle, now is it?”
“Broken axle,” Ianto said in an even more neutral tone. Jack gave a strangled sound and slumped, admitting defeat. “Yes, that would mean it needed to get towed away. We’ll be off and get it arranged.”
He turned and left, knowing that Jack was trailing after him and doing his best kicked puppy impersonation. He waited until they were back in his car before he turned to Jack and raised an eyebrow.
“It wasn’t my fault!” Jack immediately protested.
“Were you driving the SUV?”
“Yes, but-”
“Was there anyone else in the SUV besides yourself?”
“No, but-”
“Did some malign alien force attack you?”
“Hah, yes!” Jack said triumphantly.
Ianto blinked. “What?”
“I was attacked,” Jack agreed, nodding vigorously.
“Hang on, you’re telling me that you were attacked by some malign alien force that made a point of breaking your axle?”
Jack nodded his head so hard it nearly came off “It was awful.”
“Awful,” Ianto echoed.
“Terrible. It just came at me from out of nowhere. One moment I was driving along, minding my own business, and the next it pounced. Took me completely by surprise and that takes some doing. They’re getting sneakier all the time, I can tell you.”
Ianto eyed him uncertainly. He was pretty sure that Jack was lying through his teeth but he wasn’t absolutely sure. “So what did it look like?”
“That’s sort of difficult to describe.”
“Jack, we have to figure out how to track this alien down before it attacks someone else,” Ianto protested.
“Wellll…”
“Jack, you might as well tell me,” Ianto said, using his you-have-one-more-chance-and-then-it’s-decaff tone of voice. Jack mumbled something under his breath. “Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that.”
“It might have looked a bit like a pothole,” Jack repeated through gritted teeth.
“A pothole? You crashed the SUV into a pothole?”
“It lunged at me!
Once again Ianto was reminded that life with Jack had that little extra something that other people never knew. “Jack, potholes don’t lunge at people-”
“And the fangs!” Jack continued with growing enthusiasm. “Did I mention the fangs? Dripping with venom!”
Ianto gave up and listened to Jack’s increasingly inventive ideas on the natural history of alien potholes as he drove them back to the Hub. No, most people didn’t have that little extra something that life with Jack always had.
“And you know those little clumps of tarmac that sometimes fly up and smash windscreens? Those are the eggs! They burrow into upholstery and eat the car from the inside out-”
God, he felt sorry for them.