Reach Out and Touch Someone - Part One
Characters: Jack and Ianto, rest of team, OCs
Rating: NC-16 for implication of same sex relationship and some swearing
Disclaimer: Not mine, they belong to the BBC and RTD
Spoilers: General, for series 1
Summary: After Jack has gone, Ianto gets a phone call...
Author's note: This was originally supposed to be short and sweet. Those who know me will laugh hysterically at this point...
The sound of his mobile going off woke Ianto from his restless sleep. He blinked and gradually Jack's office came into focus around him. The others had long gone home but Ianto hadn't been able to tear himself away, hoping that his worst fears weren't true and that Jack hadn't left them all without so much as a goodbye or a to-do list. He had always known that his time with Jack was a finite one, but he had hoped for a little longer and a somewhat less abrupt parting.
He glanced at the phone but there was no tag to tell him who was phoning and the number was unfamiliar. Hoping against hope that it wasn't someone from London, he accepted the call. "Hello." There was a familiar chuckle that had him sitting up straight and gasping a little. "Jack?"
"Judging from your voice, you were expecting someone a little less exciting," Jack teased.
"Where are you?" The reception was crystal-clear and Ianto found himself scooting across to check on the external CCTV cameras.
"At this precise moment? Somewhere in the Lesser Magellenic Cloud, waiting for the Doctor to finish repairs on some master computer."
"Oh." Ianto's shoulders slumped as his worst fears were confirmed. "I thought it had been the Doctor you'd gone with."
Jack must have heard the disappointment he tried to conceal because his own voice softened. "I had to go, Ianto. It's my only chance to get a handle on what happened to me. The Doctor's not sure he can reverse it, but he's going to try and help me cope with it. I can't go on the way I am."
"I understand, sir." And Ianto did. He knew, better than all the others, the demons that sometimes clawed at Jack in the small hours of the morning.
"I left in a hurry, though, and didn't get around to saying goodbye. I didn't want that on my conscience; you deserve better, so I nagged the Doctor into hooking up my phone to the TARDIS so I could call you."
Ianto couldn't hold back the grin that surfaced at the words. "I'm glad you did. The others will be sorry to have missed you."
"Yeah, give them my regards and tell Owen not to get too comfortable in my seat. It's only a temporary loan. If I could figure out a way to put you in charge, I would, but it would cause all kinds of commotion that I don't suppose you'd want."
Ianto gave a shudder. "No, I'd prefer you didn't, sir. I'll handle Owen." And he knew that he could now. The smile refused to go away.
"Just don't put too many other holes in him, 'kay? He bitches something chronic."
"I have noticed that tendency, sir. I could always slip something in his coffee if he gets too above himself."
"That's my Ianto," Jack said approvingly. "So... what are you wearing?"
"What am I wearing?" Ianto's eyes widened. "Sir, you haven't rung all the way from the Lesser Magellenic Cloud for phone sex, have you?"
"No, I told you; I phoned because I missed you and wanted to say au revoir. Since you're on the phone, though, I might as well have some fun. C'mon, what are you wearing?"
Ianto rolled his eyes. The man was unbelievable. "A suit, sir."
"No!" Jack gasped before laughing. "Well, like that's a given. Which one?"
"Sir, it's the same night of the day you left us. I'm wearing the same suit as the last time you saw me."
"Oh, not the tall, dark and gorgeous ensemble, then?" Jack sounded disappointed. "Damn, that combination always used to get me going faster than any of the others."
Ianto realised that the office was unaccountably warmer and shifted uncomfortably. "Do you know how long you'll be away, sir?" He didn't fool Jack, judging from the rich laugh.
"Got you going too, did I? Fair's fair, since I'm just as frustrated."
"Surely not, sir," Ianto said in polite disbelief.
Jack made an impatient sound. "At risk of making your head swell beyond all control, everyone out here has a hard act to follow. Besides, no-one seems to be able to make a decent cup of coffee!"
"You were born to suffer, sir." Ianto hugged every word to himself. Even if it was a lie, it was a beautifully graceful one and he was grateful.
"And the sarcasm. Did I mention that I also missed the sarcasm? I need you on the TARDIS to keep the Doctor under control."
"I'd be quite happy to volunteer," Ianto said without thinking, then realised that it was true. There was a long moment of silence and he thought he had gone too far. He was busy trying to think of an apology when Jack gave a chuckle.
"Do you know; I think I'll suggest it to him? You would love the TARDIS, Ianto, and I could show you such things.... Besides, I want my coffee! Now, about all those clothes you're wearing-" There was a sudden commotion in the background and Jack swore.
"Sir?"
"How the hell does he do it? Ten minutes on his own to do a routine repair and now he's got a pack of homicidal maniacs after his blood! The man's a menace! Ianto, got to go. I'll ring again once we're clear of this madhouse."
The line went dead. Ianto pulled in a shaky breath and carefully stored the phone number. He doubted his own phone had the range, but it was a link with Jack and he had little pride or practicality when it came to that. One thing was certain: this phone was never leaving him for the foreseeable future.
OOO
The phone went and Ianto muttered a peevish complaint, burrowing his head under the pillow until it stopped. Five seconds after it had, he woke up properly and grabbed it off the bedside table. His heart sank when he recognised the number. He'd missed Jack. Then the phone beeped to indicate a text message. Ianto checked it hurriedly and laughed: PICK UP, STUPID! The phone rang again and he answered immediately.
"Sorry about that, sir."
"I don't know; you can't get the staff," Jack huffed.
"It is-" Ianto peered at his alarm clock, "-three o'clock in the morning here, sir."
"It is? Damn, sorry, Ianto. Were you asleep or are you still pulling crazy hours?" Jack sounded a little guilty.
"Not really, sir," Ianto lied.
"I can tell when you're lying, you know," Jack said pointedly. "Hey, are you in bed?" A familiar note had entered his voice and Ianto grinned in anticipation.
"I might be."
"Oooh, what are you wearing?"
"This obsession with my clothes, sir," Ianto teased. "If you must know, I'm wearing what I normally wear in bed."
"Yowza," Jack said. He sounded like he was bouncing around with glee. "So you're in the buff!"
Ianto resisted temptation for all of two seconds. "Perish the thought, sir. No, I'm wearing a nice pair of flannelette pyjamas." He could hear Jack's jaw hit the floor from whatever part of space and time he was at.
"That is so kinky," Jack eventually said.
Now it was Ianto's jaw that did the dropping. "You think flannelette pyjamas are kinky?" he said in disbelief.
"No, I think the thought of you in flannelette pyjamas is kinky," Jack shot back. "I mean, just the thought of peeling you out of them and... are you really?"
Ianto gave in and laughed. "No, sir, I'm afraid I'm naked."
"Hey, don't sweat it, I'm flexible. Now me, I'm at a loose end. Doctor's messing about with the TARDIS' innards We tried to get back to pick you up and the TARDIS took us to Bronze Age Malta, Cardiff in the 42nd century - don't ask! - some weird planet with asexual lifeforms that even I couldn't flirt with and a very nasty little dive just off the Copernicus Arm that I never, ever want to see again. Doctor thinks it's some kind of echo effect off the Rift but it looks like we can't land as close to the date as I left as I would like."
"That's all right, sir. At least you tried."
"Yeah, well, now I've thought of it I really want to do it, you know?" Jack sounded a little sulky. "Martha's a great girl but she isn't you. I miss you." The last was said wistfully.
Ianto pulled in a shaky breath. "I miss you too." God, I miss you. I miss your smile and your outrageous comments. I miss the way you try and sneak up on me. I miss your mania for watching QVC and telling me how to adapt ordinary household appliances into sex toys. I miss you sending me bouquets of flowers with downright scandalous messages attached. I miss the way you smell, the way you taste. I miss the feel of your touch when I wake up in the night. The sex was only a tiny part of it, but I miss that as well. "It's very quiet without you around. It's not the same."
"Everyone okay?"
Ianto ran his mind over the emergencies that had come and gone; his ongoing attempts to control Owen, his manipulations to get Gwen to maintain her contact with real life and his project to boost Tosh's self-image. The thousand and one demands from the newly reactivated Torchwood One, UNIT and the government that Owen couldn't be bothered to deal with. Going out into the field more and more because they'd all decided they didn't want another team member now they knew Jack was coming back. Trying to keep on top of all the duties he was actually supposed to be doing. He couldn't remember the last time he'd had a full night's sleep.
"Everyone's fine, sir, and looking forward to your coming back. No real problems that I can think of."
"Yep, definitely lying," Jack said dryly. "You wait until I get back. We're taking a full week off, I'm booking us a cottage somewhere in Pembrokeshire and we are only getting out of bed to eat!"
"That... sounds like a plan," Ianto agreed a little breathlessly. He made a mental note to start sourcing the perfect cottage. It would be something to hold on to when the urge to throttle someone became too strong. He reached under the sheet to touch his growing erection. "What are you wearing, sir?" he asked mischievously. Jack's shout of laughter almost drowned out the beep that signified there was another call waiting. Ianto glanced at the screen, then groaned.
"What?" Jack immediately demanded.
"UNIT's on the other line."
"Ignore them."
"I can't," Ianto said regretfully. "The last time I did that, they mobilised."
"What? What the hell's going on?"
"Nothing, it’s all right," Ianto said soothingly. "It's just that everyone's still a little jumpy since the last invasion. I'd better go."
"No, wait, Ianto- Last invasion? How long have I been away?"
"One month, eleven days and.... fourteen hours," Ianto rattled off. "Not that I'm counting." The phone beeped again. "Sorry, sir, I have to go. Maybe next time."
OOO
The sound of the phone brought him out of the daze he had fallen into. He blinked, confused by the sound since he had already tried his phone and discovered he was in an area with no signal. The phone kept ringing insistently and Ianto groped for it with the hand that was still functioning. “What?” he asked tiredly.
“Ianto?”
Ianto sighed, a small smile curving cold lips. “Jack, thank God you rang.”
“What the hell’s wrong? You sound awful!”
Ianto pulled in a shallow breath and winced at the pain the simple action caused. He realised that it had begun raining with a vengeance since he had starting drifting in and out of consciousness and he looked down at the small river of bloodstained water that was flowing away from him. “I’ve had better days,” he said dully.
“Ianto, tell me what’s wrong!” Jack sounded agitated and old habits kicked in as Ianto thought of ways to reassure him.
“’s okay, my fault,” he mumbled. “Didn’t see the second one until it was too late. Stupid.”
“Ianto, I want you to listen to me very carefully,” Jack said in a voice that sounded calm but was anything but. “Are you hurt?”
Looking down at the small but deep puncture wound that refused to stop bleeding; Ianto fought back the urge to laugh a little hysterically. “Yes,” he managed.
“How bad?”
I think I’m dying, Ianto thought bleakly. It won’t stop bleeding and one side of me doesn’t work any more and it’s getting difficult to breath. “Bad,” he finally said.
“Have you called for backup?”
“No signal,” Ianto said listlessly. He frowned. How had Jack got through? Then he remembered that Jack was using TARDIS magic. “’m glad you phoned. Wanted to say goodbye.”
“Stop talking like that!” Jack snapped. “Where are the others?”
“Went…” Ianto paused and tried to catch his breath. “Went to deal with the main nest. I was supposed to deal with the stragglers but there was one I didn’t see. Stupid.”
“Where are you?”
“Cardiff, sir, same as you left me.” He was confused by the question. Where did Jack expect him to be?
“No, I meant a specific location, Ianto! C’mon, focus, kid.”
“Oh.” Ianto struggled to look around the dark, rain-lashed street, but couldn’t see any kind of street signage. “Don’t know,” he sighed. He faded out for a while and was only dimly aware of Jack shouting at him. A particularly anguished calling of his name broke through, however, and Ianto collected what remained of his wits and lifted the phone again. “Still here,” he slurred.
“Thank God,” Jack breathed. “Listen, Ianto, we’re stuck in a time eddy which was why I thought I had time to ring you, but we’re trying to get a fix on your position.”
“’s okay, sir. I’m glad I could say goodbye-“
“Ianto-“ Jack said warningly.
“No, no, this is important,” Ianto said, the words stumbling over themselves. “I have to tell you now because…” The words refused to come and he ploughed on. “I love you. I know I never said it because I didn’t want to embarrass you but I do and I wish I’d said it to your face and I’m sorry-“
A sudden stab of pain snatched the breath from his lungs and then he was coughing and the pain was doubling and trebling and more than he could bear. His vision darkened into red and then black and when he recovered and picked up the phone the line was dead. Misery swamped him. He shouldn’t have said anything. He should have kept his stupid mouth shut. What he and Jack had was supposed to be light and free. No commitment on either side, just physical pleasure and company when the world turned dark and cold. He’d never demanded fidelity from Jack and the man was subtle enough never to rub Ianto’s face in any wandering he might be doing, apart from that one time with the real Jack Harkness.
I don’t care, Ianto thought stubbornly as the darkness crept back again. I wanted to tell him. I needed to tell him. I wish I could have been here when he came back, though.
The darkness came and he didn’t fight it. He had no idea how long he was out for, but he awoke to bright light and chaos. He gave a gasping yell when he was jostled and the previously numb side of his body exploded into a wall of fire. Jumbled sound assaulted his ears and then someone - Owen, he realised as he focused blearily - was leaning over him.
“Ianto? Christ, mate, you gave us a scare! You’re on your way to hospital so don’t you dare go croaking on me, ‘cos it’d be embarrassing as hell.”
“How-?” Ianto wasn’t sure he actually managed to say that, but Owen seemed to realise what he was asking.
“Jack phoned Gwen. Nearly frightened her out of her wits, he did, raving like a madman about you dying in some back street. Gave her the co-ordinates and swore he’d skin the lot of us alive if we didn’t get over there right away. Typical. Man’s God knows how many thousands of light years away and he’s still on our backs!”
Ianto smiled and let himself slide away into a less threatening darkness. Still looking out for me, Captain, he thought drowsily. When he regained consciousness, it was to find himself in a hospital bed. He pulled a face; he hated these places with a vengeance and did everything he could to avoid them, which had caused a few arguments between himself and Jack.
Jack…
Ianto looked around for his mobile and promptly panicked when he couldn’t find it. The last thing he remembered had been passing out in some back street in the dark and the rain, so it was possible that it had been missed when he’d been rescued. The idea that he might have lost his one point of contact with Jack cut through the drugged lassitude and by the time the nurse arrived in response to the strident alarm the monitoring machines were giving, he was in no mood to listen to her. An attempt to increase his sedation went down even more badly and by the time Gwen shot into the room, Ianto was three quarters of the way off his bed and giving vent to one his rare bouts of temper.
“Ianto, no!”
“My phone.” Ianto gave Gwen a pleading look. “Where’s my phone?”
“Um, it’s probably around here somewhere,” Gwen said doubtfully.
“Probably isn’t good enough!” Ianto snarled, shoving at the gorilla they had trying to pin him down on the bed and promising himself that if the man didn’t back off he was going to field-test his own A&E department.
Tosh suddenly appeared out of nowhere and dodged around the small crowd that had gathered to go right up to Ianto. She held up what he realised was his mobile phone and he immediately grabbed at it. She pulled back and gave him a severe look.
“Back on the bed and you get the phone,” she ordered crisply.
“That’s blackmail,” Ianto said sulkily, but started to obey.
“No, it’s negotiation,” Tosh shot back, pulling to one side to allow the nurses to settle him back on the bed. Once they were satisfied, she moved closer and handed the phone over again.
Ianto heaved a sigh of relief. “Thank you.”
Tosh smiled and patted his hand. “No problem, but no work-related calls, okay? Doctors say you nearly died of blood loss because of some kind of anti-coagulant in your system, so you need some time to recover.”
“When can I leave?”
“When the doctors say you can,” Gwen chipped in.
Ianto sighed again and gave in, settling back on the bed. There was a brief argument between the girls and the nurses about Ianto being allowed to keep the mobile, but some kind of agreement must have been reached since everyone soon left him in peace. He sank into a kind of doze, the phone safely under his pillow so he could respond if it rang.
He wasn’t sure how long he’d been asleep when the door opened and a young nursing auxiliary peered around it, her dark round face filled with trepidation. Realising that he had probably now been classified as a ‘problem patient’, Ianto smiled sleepily at her and was amused to see her face immediately brighten. She disappeared, only to reappear with an enormous vase filled with an opulent display of flowers. Ianto’s eyes widened. Stargazer lilies, roses, freesias, masses of gypsophilia and some ferns exploded out of the vase in a fountain of colour, the scent spreading out from the display as she settled the vase on the table against the wall.
“Where did that come from?” he asked.
The little auxiliary blushed and giggled as she plucked a card out from amongst the flowers and handed it to him. Ianto focused on the neat print and his eyes widened even more: You don’t get out of the phone sex that easily, you know! Love, Jack. Ianto groaned and let his head fall back on the pillows. He knew what gossips nurses were and he had little doubt that he would now be one of the main topics.
“You wait until you phone next time, Jack,” he muttered, trying unsuccessfully not to blush as the giggling auxiliary left the room.
OOO
His mobile went off and every eye in the room zeroed in on him accusingly, since he was the one who had insisted that they turn their phones off. Ianto ignored them as he checked to see the number, then grinned and answered the call, ignoring the indignant spluttering from the Colonel. Tosh mouthed ‘Jack?’ and Ianto nodded, so she immediately took charge of the meeting while Ianto withdrew to Jack’s office.
“Can’t talk for long, sir. We’re in the middle of a crisis meeting,” he said regretfully.
“One of these days I’m going to get the phone sex you promised me, Ianto,” Jack grumbled.
“I promised you?” Ianto could feel his eyebrows climbing. “I must have missed that conversation, sir. Which reminds me to thank you for that highly embarrassing bouquet you sent. Owen would also like to thank you for charging it to his credit card.”
“It was my pleasure - to both of those gracious acknowledgements of my thoughtfulness. I was calling to see if you were okay.” His voice changed slightly. “You scared me that time.”
Ianto thought back to the dark, cold and wet street he had thought he would die on and grimaced. “I scared myself, sir,” he admitted.
“You okay now?”
“I’m fine, sir. Still on light duties, though.” Which meant that he was only pulling a 15-hour day.
“Yeah, right. You on light duties,” Jack snorted. “What’s that - 14, 15 hours?” He chuckled at the silence that earned him. “Ianto, Ianto, Ianto, when are you going to learn? You can’t lie to the Harkness.”
“The Harkness?” Ianto chuckled, feeling a little better. “Jack, I don’t suppose the Doctor would be willing to help me out with a question?”
“Depends on what the question would be,” Jack responded promptly. “Hang on-“ There was a blur of sound and then another voice came over the line.
“Ianto, is it? This is the Doctor. Jack says you would like to take advantage of my pearls of wisdom, but if they’re anything about how to keep Jack in line, I’m afraid I haven’t a clue. Nothing’s worked so far.”
Ianto had found himself coming almost to attention when he first heard the Doctor’s cheerful voice, but he’d relaxed again by the end of the sentence. There was something so bright and confidence-affirming about the voice that you couldn’t help but feel empowered. This is the competition, Ianto thought. Over a thousand years old, with a mind like a supercomputer high on daiquiris and a reputation for saving the universe on a regular basis. God help me. He gave himself a mental slap and brought his attention back to the matter to hand.
“You don’t keep Jack in line, sir,” he said politely. “You just herd him where you want him to go and make him think it’s his idea.” He felt an odd thrill of pride when the Doctor laughed. “But I’m afraid I’m after more practical advice. The upper echelon of Torchwood One seems to have been taken over by a parasitic alien force and we’re currently trying to work out a strategy to contain and hopefully reverse the effects.” He had walked back into the conference room as he spoke and fished out the speakerphone connection to slide the mobile into. “To be honest, we’d appreciate any assistance we can get, Doctor.”
He saw the others sit up a little straighter and more than one face held a look of relief. The Doctor was a legend to everyone present and for the first time since this latest crisis had blown up, they all allowed themselves a little bit of hope.
“Right, who’s with you?” the Doctor asked briskly.
“Torchwood Three: Tosh, Owen, Gwen and myself. Colonel Rook, Lieutenant Benton and Dr Midori from UNIT. Paul Grieg and Amanda Benson from Torchwood One.”
“Lieutenant Benton?” the Doctor asked.
Benton grinned. “My father has always told me to give you his regards if I ever saw you, sir, and to tell you that there’ll always be a mug of tea and a cheese and pickle sandwich at his home with your name on it.”
The Doctor chuckled. “Benton’s daughter an officer! I must visit and commiserate with him some time, but for now, we have more serious business. What are the symptoms of this takeover?”
The meeting became energised, with the Doctor flashing off sparks of information and inspiration and Jack chipping in with tactical observations. Ianto was kept busy at first, dampening the territorial instincts of some of the participants and making sure everyone stayed focused, but gradually his tactics started to work and people put aside their differences and he was able to sit back a little. This is how we should be, he thought wistfully. This is what we are capable of.
The Doctor was finally able to narrow down the field of suspects to three probables and give them strategic information on how to deal with them. Everyone was feeling a lot more positive as the meeting broke up. Ianto was reaching for the mobile when Jack’s voice came back on line.
“So, when do I get the phone sex then, Ianto?”
Ianto froze in utter mortification. “For god’s sake, Jack,” he managed to strangled tones, “we’re on speakerphone!” All he got was Jack’s irrepressible laughter as the connection broke and he lowered his head to the table in embarrassment.
The others had frozen into silence for a while but then Benton broke it with her infectious giggle. “My god, the stories about Captain Harkness are true!”
“The stories about Captain Harkness,” Ianto said as he refused to lift his head up, “are always, always a vast understatement!” To his surprise, the laughter he got was affectionate.
The Colonel paused as he went out and gave him a clap on the shoulder. “If it’s any consolation, my predecessor always used to threaten to geld the Captain on a regular basis. Mind you, makes me positively grateful that I don’t have to keep him under control!”
With another friendly pat, the Colonel left, trailing a Benton who winked and a Midori who simply looked bewildered. Seeing the knowing grins on the faces of the others, Ianto gave up on being embarrassed.
“Anyone fancy a coffee?” he asked.
OOO
The phone rang and Ianto sighed with relief when he saw that it was Jack on the other end. “You’re not getting phone sex,” he growled. “Not with the day I’ve been having!”
“Pardon?”
The woman’s voice was completely unfamiliar and Ianto froze, all his other problems momentarily fading into insignificance. “Um, I don’t meant to sound rude, but who are you?”
“Martha Jones,” the woman said, sounding like she was torn between amusement and annoyance. “Jack asked me to phone you while he was getting cleaned up. Would I be right in saying that I got set up?”
Ianto groaned. Jack would have known that Ianto would hold a grudge over the way the last phone call had ended. “No, Martha, I got set up. My apologies.”
“That’s okay.” Martha had obviously decided on amused. “Would you like to get a little payback?” she asked mischievously.
“Well, yes, that would be nice,” Ianto said cautiously.
“Okay, hang on until Jack comes back. He owes me big time for the stunt he pulled on Edores IX. Right, he’s coming - play along!” Before Ianto could make suspicious demands as to what he was buying into, Martha let out a moan so lecherous that Ianto almost dropped the phone. “My God, that’s hot, Ianto! What kind of underwear are you wearing?”
Ianto could hear Jack’s yelp even from a distance and then there was a degree of turbulent non-noise as Martha and Jack seemed to be fighting for control of the phone. He bit the inside of his mouth to stop from laughing out loud at the sound of Jack swearing and Martha’s protestations that she couldn’t help it if his timing was so lousy. Finally, however, Jack got control of the phone and was huffing his indignation down it.
“I don’t know what you mean, sir,” Ianto said at his very blandest.
“You- Martha- Ianto…” Jack said warningly.
“Well, if you will let strange beautiful women use your phone, Jack,” Ianto said impishly. A commotion down in the Hub distracted him and he swore.
“You swore!” Jack said in astonishment.
“I have been known to, sir,” Ianto said, a little more waspishly than he’d intended. He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the glass wall of the office. “Sorry.”
“Bad day?” Jack said sympathetically.
Ianto opened his eyes and looked down at the chaos below. “You could say that, sir.”
“Want to tell me about it?”
“Only if you’re sitting down and have access to alcohol, sir. Believe me, the temptation to start making inroads on your stash is very strong at the moment.”
Jack gave a rich laugh. “Hey, come on, this is me, Ianto. Nothing you can say can shake me!”
Want a bet? Ianto thought. “Bear in mind that you asked for this, sir.” He drew in a deep breath. “Gwen and Owen have currently switched bodies due to a close brush with an alien device. In order to allay suspicions, Owen - who was in Gwen’s body - went to see Rhys in order to buy some time. They wound up having sex because Owen can’t keep it in his pants even when he doesn’t have it in his pants any more. Now Owen - in Gwen’s body - is pregnant, and Tosh has determined that the situation can’t be reversed without endangering the baby. Gwen is downright homicidal because Owen has decided that he wants to have the baby and has apparently got ‘feelings’ for Rhys. She retaliated by attempting to seduce Tosh, who meant to punch her - as Owen - but ended up activating the device and has swopped bodies with Myfanwy.”
He paused and suppressed the urge to swear again. “I have one member of staff pregnant, another one in a constant state of homicidal fury, the third attempting to fly if I take my eyes off her for more than a minute at a time and a pteranadon that is trying to use her beak to access a computer program. I think even you would consider this a managerial challenge, sir!”
There was total silence for a moment and then Martha’s voice came over the line, sounding worried.
“Ianto? What did you say to him? He’s banging his head against the TARDIS wall and laughing hysterically!”
Ianto sighed. “Just another day at the office, Martha.”
OOO
The phone rang. Ianto glared at it, but it continued to ring and after a while he reluctantly answered it. “Before you say anything, yes, it’s me. Yes, I know what’s happened and no, I am not happy about it!”
There was a pause. “Okay,” Jack said cautiously. “Um, Ianto?”
“I said it was me, didn’t I?” Ianto growled. Or tried to. He still hadn’t got used to the sound of his new voice.
“Oh, dear,” Jack said. He sounded like he was trying not to laugh and cleared his throat frantically. “Do I get to know what happened?”
“If I said no, would you take any notice?” Ianto asked hopefully.
“No, I’d nag,” Jack admitted.
Ianto sighed. “Remember that alien device I told you about? The one that swopped people into one another’s bodies?”
“I’m not likely to forget that, now am I?” Jack laughed. “Hang on, are you saying you swapped with someone? I don’t recognise the voice - and I would definitely recognise a voice this sexy!”
“I haven’t swapped with anyone,” Ianto said, slightly mollified by the unwitting flattery. “The cursed thing had another setting we didn’t know about; one that turns the target into the opposite sex.”
“So I’m speaking to a female Ianto Jones?” Jack demanded incredulously. “Whoa, take pictures! Preferably of you naked.”
“Jack!”
“What? Hey, you sound sexy as hell, okay? And I know you’re gorgeous as a male so it follows that you’ll be just as hot as a female. Am I right or am I right? Huh, huh?”
“I.. wouldn’t know,” Ianto admitted. “I haven’t had the guts to look in a mirror.” He winced as Jack laughed. “It’s all right for you - you’re used to this kind of thing.”
“Hey, I’ve only turned female the once!” Jack said indignantly. “And don’t think I don’t remember how supportive you were at the time! Locking yourself in the Archives like that,” he grumbled.
“Which meant that, up until this morning, you were one up on me,” Ianto shot back. “And I refuse to feel guilty about locking myself in the Archives - you were scary as a female!”
“I only wanted to experiment,” Jack said in hurt tones, then spoilt it by laughing. “So what did you do; drop the machine?”
“No, Gwen was mad at me and tried to swop me with Tosh, only she pressed the buttons in the wrong order and this happened to us instead. Why do half the alien races in the galaxy design machines that involve sex of some kind?” he asked peevishly.
“Hang on: us? It happened to Tosh, as well? That means-“
“I’d really rather not talk about that, if you don’t mind,” Ianto said firmly.
“Ianto, is Tosh cute as a male?” Jack demanded in dawning suspicion.
Ianto didn’t quite manage to suppress his whimper and he went to lean his forehead against a convenient wall. “How do they get anything done?” he demanded in strangled tones. “They talk about us being sex mad but every time I turn round I’m being swamped by some kind of hormonal surge! I’m going to go mad if this goes on for much longer.”
Jack desperately tried to say something that Ianto assumed was meant to be supportive, but he kept dissolving into giggles, which sort of ruined the effect. Ianto glared at the phone and mentally resolved to punch the man’s lights out when he saw him next. Although visualising the Captain walking in through the door was enough to trigger one of those surges that was making it so hard to think. He moved around the room restlessly, then gave a squeak of dismay when he saw Tosh approaching.
“You squeaked!” Jack exclaimed in astonishment. “Damn, that sounded cute.”
“Shut up, Jack,” Ianto said helplessly, just as the door opened to admit Tosh. “I’m on the phone,” Ianto informed Tosh hastily.
“I know; this is just a progress report,” Tosh said, unconsciously running his/her gaze up and down Ianto in a way that made Ianto want to smack him - her! - and then go and lock himself in the Archives again. “I think I’ve worked out what Gwen did, but we really need to get that machine off her so we can reverse the process. Although I have to say that this isn’t as bad as I thought it would be.” The grin he gave Ianto drove all coherent thought out of Ianto’s head for a good two minutes after he - she, damn it! - had left.
“Sounds like you’re having fun,” Jack said darkly.
“Oh, shut up; this wouldn’t have happened if you’d been here,” Ianto grumbled. “Gwen’s locked herself in one of the quarantine rooms and refuses to come out. I was working on the override when you rang. Can I kill her?” he asked hopefully.
Jack chuckled. “No, I think that’s going to be my prerogative when I get back. How’s the pregnancy thing going?”
Ianto smiled, his mood momentarily lifting. “Owen can’t understand why women willingly go through this torture. The good news is that he no longer has feelings for Rhys, the bad news is that I’ve had to retcon Rhys three times because Gwen keeps forgetting she's Owen and tries to kiss him. I hope like hell we were right about retcon not having a cumulative effect, otherwise Rhys is going to turn out to be one of Cardiff’s worse serial killers by the time the nine months are up!”
“It could be worse,” Jack said consolingly.
“How?” Ianto demanded.
“Well, you could have to deal with UNIT while you’re female,” Jack pointed out.
“You mean like the meeting I had with Colonel Rook this morning?” Ianto asked sweetly.
“Ah.”
“The one where the Colonel was a perfect gentleman and treated me exactly the same as he always has?” Well, once he’d got over the shock, he amended silently.
“Well-“
“The one where there wasn’t a single sexual innuendo or idiotic comment for the entire meeting?” Ianto continued remorselessly.
“You’re mad at me, aren’t you?” Jack said knowledgeably. “I can always tell, you know.”
Despite his annoyance, Ianto couldn’t help but laugh. “What tipped you off?” He hesitated for a moment, then gave in to his inner demon. “It’s a pity you aren’t here, though,” he said with deliberate wistfulness. “It might have been fun experimenting with this body.”
“Oh, yeah,” Jack agreed enthusiastically.
“Just you, me, candlelight, soft music, warm scented oils…” Ianto continued in a dreamy voice. He smirked at the strangled sound he got from the other end. “Still, beggars can’t be choosers, right?” he went on brightly. “I suppose I’d better get back to trying to prise Gwen out of that room. Talk to you again some time, Captain. Ciao.”
He finished the call on an outraged howl from Jack. For the first time in a long time, Ianto Jones laughed himself silly.
OOO
On a scale of one to ten in sheer lousiness, this day was doing its best to rank as a twenty-six. Ianto shifted uncomfortably on the cold metal floor of the cell he was being held in and wished he hadn't had the bright idea of sneaking aboard the alien ship and trying to figure out a weakness to the shielding that had been making them invulnerable to all the weaponry UNIT and Torchwood had been bringing to bear on them. Not that it hadn't yielded the result that he had hoped for; he now knew the frequency of the shield parameters and with that information Tosh and Liz would be able to cobble something together to short-circuit the force-field. Unfortunately, he had been caught before he could get off the ship and after a quick working over by the alien leader, he had been tossed into this cell to wait for his execution.
The frustrating thing was that they had left him his mobile phone, laughing over the primitive technology and telling him that this was why they were going to take over the Earth and enslave the human race. Ianto had been semi-conscious at the time, so had no difficulty over holding his tongue over pointing out the fact that their force-shield didn't seem to block a mobile signal. To his intense annoyance, however, whatever was shielding the cells was a completely different animal and he couldn't get any kind of signal.
He had the bloody answer and he couldn't tell anyone! If he had the energy, Ianto would have screamed in frustration. This kind of thing wouldn't have happened to Jack, he reflected a little morosely. Thinking of Jack seemed to kick-start his brain, however, and he realised that he still might have a chance to pass on the information that he had discovered. Taking out his phone, he paused to collect his thoughts, then quickly punched out a concise text that gave the crucial information the others needed. He called up Jack and Tosh's numbers and pressed to send. This way the text would be sent as soon as the shield around the cell collapsed when they came to execute him.
The sound of his phone ringing had him leaping out of his skin, but when he saw it was Jack's number, he gave a whoop of delight and answered immediately. "Jack, did you get the text?"
"Yeah, that's why I'm phoning. What-"
"Never mind, just send the text on to Tosh now, okay? I don't know how long it'll be before they come for me, but the head alien said they'd launch the attack after they executed me as an example-"
What?"
"Shut up, will you? Just send the info on to Tosh so she can come up with an effective weapon that UNIT can use."
There was a moment of silence, then Jack sighed. "Okay, but I'll be getting back to you after I do and then I'll want a proper explanation."
He signed off and Ianto relaxed back against the wall of the cell with a sigh. They were in with a fighting chance now, which was all he could ask for. After what his watch told him was an hour of waiting without any sign of Jack calling back, Ianto decided that the contact had been a fluke, albeit one that could possibly have saved the human race. The sound of the force-shield around his cell being shut off had him pushing himself to his feet and he grinned a little mirthlessly at the alien that appeared at the door.
"Time to go?" he inquired sarcastically.
"As a matter of fact it is," said Captain Lethbridge-Stewart as he continued to prod the alien into the cell. "Out you come."
"Douglas?" Ianto said incredulously, his jaw hitting the floor. "What are you doing here?"
"Rescuing your ungodly carcass," Douglas said blithely. "We've got about ten more minutes before we start blowing this ship seven ways to hell."
"Who's bright idea was this?" Ianto growled as he hastily exited the cell and watched Douglas lock the hapless alien guard inside.
"Bit of a general consensus really," Dunacan drawled as he helped Ianto along the seemingly endless quarters, "but I suppose having Jack Harkness threaten to give Earth's co-ordinates to at least five major war-mongering races if we didn't save your butt might have acted as a motivating force!"
Ianto shook his head but said nothing. Fifteen minutes later, he had the satisfaction of watching Tosh's hastily jury-rigged weapon blow the alien spaceship halfway back to where it had come from.
OOO
“Ianto?”
“Um, this isn’t a very convenient time, Captain….”
“Exterminate!”
“Holy shit! Ianto-“
“Later, sir!”
OOO
The phone rang. Ianto gazed at it with mild revulsion for a while, then realised that he was supposed to answer a phone when it rang. He wondered if he wanted to, then decided that he might as well since the day couldn’t possibly get any worse than it already had.
“Whaddyawant?” he demanded.
There was a long pause. “Ianto?” Jack asked incredulously.
Ianto made a rude noise. “You were expecting God?” he said sarcastically.
“You… sound drunk,” Jack said cautiously.
“That’s probably because I am,” Ianto responded with a laugh that tasted bitter as gall in his throat. “But not as drunk as I intend to be, since I haven’t passed out yet.”
“So what’s the occasion?”
“Why would there need to be an occasion?” Ianto snapped. “Maybe I felt like getting blind, stinking drunk for the sheer hell of it.” There was another moment of silence, but Ianto refused to break it. He was too angry at the Universe at the moment to be the slightest bit servile.
“Ianto, you rarely get more than a little tipsy, and that’s only when you’re with people you trust,” Jack said. “The only times I’ve ever known you deliberately get drunk were when something terrible happened. Are you all right?”
“Oh, I’m fine,” Ianto snarled. He lifted the bottle back to his lips and took a healthy swig. “I’m not the one who was out in the field trusting that the person co-ordinating things had more than two brain cells rubbing together!”
He raised the bottle again and drank, cursing when he realised that it was empty. Tossing it to one side - and ignoring the sound of it smashing against the floor - he levered himself up on his feet and staggered over to where Jack’s bar was. Grabbing a bottle at random, he managed to get back to the sofa before collapsing. It was gin, he realised after the first mouthful, which he would normally scorn, but right now he wanted as much alcohol inside him as possible. He belatedly realised that Jack had been talking while he’d been away, so he picked up the phone again.
“Sorry, had to go and get more supplies,” he said flippantly. “Did you say anything interesting while I was gone?”
He heard Jack pull in a deep breath. “I asked if the rest of the team were okay.”
The question raked at the open wound Ianto was desperately trying to cauterize with alcohol. “Define ‘okay’. Is it okay if she’s still alive because the machines are breathing for her? Is it okay if she’s still alive after a seven hour operation to put her back together again? Is it okay if she may never wake up, or wake up brain damaged?” His voice failed him and he lifted the bottle again, gulping the alcohol down like it was water.
“Which she, Ianto?” Jack asked, his voice small and broken amidst the constant roaring in Ianto’s ears.
“Tosh.”
Ianto shook his head, fighting the tears. They didn’t help, hadn’t helped. Neither had getting himself punched by Owen in Gwen’s body. Neither had being screamed at by Gwen in Owen’s body. Muller, the temporary replacement for Owen while he was off on maternity leave, had hovered on the periphery, looking uncomfortable, like someone caught in the middle of a family row. Nothing had helped while he was waiting for the surgeons to finish operating on Tosh, the others eventually giving in to their exhaustion and leaving. Even the alcohol wasn’t helping, despite his hopes that it would.
“What happened?”
Ianto flinched at the question, but old habits died hard. “There was a call about a pack of giant dogs on the loose. They matched the description of Derfic warhounds. I sent the team out and stayed behind to co-ordinate. I’d teamed Muller with Gwen-“
“Who’s Muller?”
“Stefan Muller. He was sent down from Torchwood London because Owen’s had to go off on maternity leave and we weren’t coping with just the three of us. He’s been here about a month.”
“Any good?” Ianto hesitated. “Uh-huh. Get rid of him and find someone else.”
“I didn’t say anything!” Ianto protested.
“You were trying to think of the right words. That tells me all I need to know. So what happened?”
Ianto struggled to maintain his composure as he slipped back into the nightmare. “I teamed Muller with Gwen because she’s still having trouble with Owen’s body. Nothing major, but her reactions are off and that can be fatal in a fight. They started arguing about something and I… I got distracted. I took my attention off Tosh and she got jumped. Oh, god, Jack, I can still hear her scream-“
He closed his eyes but the nightmare was inside his head and couldn’t be shut out. He’d been irritated by the petty squabbling between Muller and Gwen; something that had been happening ever since the ex-SAS man had been sent from London. Ianto had decided to pull them all back and send them out as a threesome, even though that cut down on their effectiveness at a search, when he’d been deafened by Tosh’s scream of startled agony. The rest of the incident was a blur. He had a vague recollection of getting Muller and Gwen to Tosh’s location and getting the emergency services to her as soon as possible, but everything was filtered through a soundtrack of Tosh’s weakening sobs as shock and blood loss sent her into an oblivion that Ianto was still terrified would be permanent.
“She’s still alive?”
Ianto nodded, then realised that Jack couldn’t see him. “Yes. I pulled in some favours to drag some specialised surgeons down to Cardiff. We’re also using one of the alien medical devices from the Archives to help her chances. London’s mad as hell that I released it to the doctors treating Tosh but I couldn’t care less. I’m tired of us sitting on stuff that could make a difference to people living or dying.”
“And in the meantime you’re sitting alone in the Hub getting smashed out of your mind.”
Ianto discovered that he wasn’t so drunk that Jack couldn’t make him squirm with a single evenly spoken comment. “The hospital threw me out after I’d been there for ten hours,” he admitted. “They told me to go home and get some rest!” He gave a strangled laugh that was half a sob. “Rest. Like I can sleep while she’s hanging on to life by a thread and all because I was too busy getting shirty about Muller and Gwen being prats to pay attention to what was happening with her.”
“Could you pick up the locations of the warhounds on the Hub computers?” Jack asked mildly.
“She was on her own and in a potentially exposed situation,” Ianto shot back, not in the mood for a reasoned argument. “I should have been in constant contact.”
“And how would that have stopped her getting jumped?”
“I shouldn’t have had her on her own. I should have gone out with them and not stayed behind.”
“Why did you stay behind?”
Ianto hesitated, wondering if he could get away with a lie. “I got a little bruised from the last time we had to deal with something,” he said reluctantly.
“Okay, and ‘bruised’ would translate as what?” Jack asked with an edge to his voice.
Ianto gave in. “We had to tackle a really big pack of Weevils. It was just after Owen went on maternity leave and why we realised we needed more than the three of us.”
“How badly were you hurt?” Jack demanded sharply.
“Um, leg got a bit mangled but it’s healing clean. Won’t even scar with the wound gel I have to slather on. Wish it smelt a little less like jasmine, though. I get the strangest looks from people.” His attempt at levity didn’t work. He could hear Jack’s irritation in his voice.
“So you’re beating yourself up about not going into the field when you were physically below par and would have been more of a hindrance than a help?”
“No,” Ianto shot back with equal heat. “I’m beating myself up because Tosh trusted me to watch her back and I allowed my unprofessional approach to the job to endanger her life!”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Ianto,” Jack sighed, “get a grip! You were miles away, you couldn’t pick up the hostiles with the equipment you had and even if you had had your full attention on Tosh there would have been no way that you could have altered the outcome. Okay, let’s turn this around: if I had been there, what would have happened?”
“You would have done something to save Tosh,” Ianto said promptly.
“What?”
“I don’t know; something.”
“Well I’m afraid I can’t think what it would have been,” Jack said flatly.
“You would have gone out, even with a busted leg,” Ianto said slowly. “You would have been there and you’d have made sure the warhound would have taken you instead of her.” The silence that earned him made him smile in bitter victory and take another drink, grimacing at the taste. He really didn’t like gin.
“Okay, so you’re probably right there,” Jack admitted. “The difference is, I would have got back up after the warhound finished with me. You wouldn’t have. You had better not have shrugged just then, Ianto,” he finished meaningfully.
Since Ianto had done just that, he choked on the mouthful of gin he had taken. Jack chuckled tiredly.
“Do I know you, or what? Ianto, listen to someone who has been through this crap before, more times that he would like to remember. Sometimes there is no right way. You couldn’t have prevented this, but you’ve got her this far. Now it’s up to Tosh and she’s a fighter. Give her some credit.”
The phone beeped and Ianto saw that it was the hospital calling. He told Jack as much, fear doing its best to throttle him.
“Okay, I’ll ring off and come back in fifteen minutes. And Ianto? If it’s bad news, remember the promise you made me.”
It took a while, but Ianto belatedly remembered that Jack had made him promise not to take his own life after Lisa. He sighed, realising that Jack knew him better than he knew himself. The phone beeped again.
“Yes, sir, I remember.”
Jack rang off and Ianto braced himself before returning the call to the hospital. The man who answered had the kind of voice that was practised at passing on bad news. Ianto was so braced for the worst that it took a while for the words the man was speaking to actually penetrate. After he had rung off, he reflected that the doctor probably thought he was a cold-hearted bastard since he had barely said a word. Inside, however…. When the phone rang again, he answered immediately.
“She’s come round and she’s lucid,” he told Jack in a rush. “I need to sober up. I need to get to the hospital. I-“
“You need to get some rest,” Jack cut in. “I’ll phone Gwen and get her to go to the hospital. You are going to rest for at least three hours before you leave the Hub and you will go by taxi. That’s an order, Ianto.”
“Technically you can’t order me, since you’re on secondment and out of the chain of command,” Ianto objected.
“Secondment? Since when was I on secondment?” Jack demanded incredulously.
“I had to put something down to appease the bureaucrats up in London.”
“Where am I seconded to?” Jack asked curiously.
Ianto smiled. “That stumped me for a while, but you are currently on liaison duties and representing Torchwood to a non-British organisation and operating outside of British territorial waters.”
Jack roared with laughter. “You wait until I tell the Doctor he’s an organisation! I’ve yet to meet anyone less organised! Give Tosh my love, Ianto, and tell her that I’m thinking of her. And I’ll be ringing in a couple of days to check that you’re okay as well, so don’t think I’m going to ignore this.”
“I didn’t think I’d be that lucky,” Ianto sighed. “Besides, I’m going to be suffering from a hangover tomorrow, so I won’t be in a fit state to do much of anything.”
“Hmm, I’d forgotten that. You still got my stuff there?” Ianto opened his mouth to tell him that he’d refused to let the others move anything of Jack’s, but he didn’t get a chance. “There was a small tin box in the upper right hand drawer of my desk. Take two of the green pills you find inside. They’ll make you thirsty as hell but you won’t get much more than a light headache. And don’t think this means you can go and get drunk again. At least not until I’m back to watch over you.”
Ianto sucked in a breath at that. He could remember times when he had woken up at night and found Jack watching over him. That had been about the time that the nightmares had started to lose their power over him and he no longer dreaded the idea of going to bed. “I’m sorry, Jack. I know I was weak but-“ To his surprise, Jack laughed.
“Weak? God, if only you knew…. Ianto, is there anyone there with you? No? I didn’t think so. You’re carrying the world on your shoulders again, but this time I’m not there.” Jack sounded frustrated. “I wish I was. I wish this stupid echo or surge or whatever it is would die away and let the TARDIS come back, but I’m stuck on the wrong end of a phone and all I have are words.”
“At least I have those,” Ianto said with a sigh and a smile. “Tosh is usually the one who’s around when I need someone to moan at. You’ll be proud when you come back, Jack. She’s grown so much. I think that’s why I went so crazy when she was hurt. She doesn’t deserve this kind of thing to happen.”
“No-one does, but we take the risk every time we take a stand. Hey, maybe I’ll send her a bouquet of flowers to cheer her up!”
“Owen changed his credit card after that last stunt you pulled, Jack.” Ianto laughed at the mutter that earned him from Jack. “Would you like the new details?” he asked innocently.
“Oooh, I love it when you’re evil and wicked,” Jack snickered. “Tell away. And maybe she’d like some expensive perfume, as well?”
Ianto grinned, looked at the bottle he was still holding and put it to one side. He’d let himself give in this once, but never again. He had a yardstick to measure up to in Jack and no way was he going to let the man down.
OOO
Go on to Chapter Two here
Rating: NC-16 for implication of same sex relationship and some swearing
Disclaimer: Not mine, they belong to the BBC and RTD
Spoilers: General, for series 1
Summary: After Jack has gone, Ianto gets a phone call...
Author's note: This was originally supposed to be short and sweet. Those who know me will laugh hysterically at this point...
The sound of his mobile going off woke Ianto from his restless sleep. He blinked and gradually Jack's office came into focus around him. The others had long gone home but Ianto hadn't been able to tear himself away, hoping that his worst fears weren't true and that Jack hadn't left them all without so much as a goodbye or a to-do list. He had always known that his time with Jack was a finite one, but he had hoped for a little longer and a somewhat less abrupt parting.
He glanced at the phone but there was no tag to tell him who was phoning and the number was unfamiliar. Hoping against hope that it wasn't someone from London, he accepted the call. "Hello." There was a familiar chuckle that had him sitting up straight and gasping a little. "Jack?"
"Judging from your voice, you were expecting someone a little less exciting," Jack teased.
"Where are you?" The reception was crystal-clear and Ianto found himself scooting across to check on the external CCTV cameras.
"At this precise moment? Somewhere in the Lesser Magellenic Cloud, waiting for the Doctor to finish repairs on some master computer."
"Oh." Ianto's shoulders slumped as his worst fears were confirmed. "I thought it had been the Doctor you'd gone with."
Jack must have heard the disappointment he tried to conceal because his own voice softened. "I had to go, Ianto. It's my only chance to get a handle on what happened to me. The Doctor's not sure he can reverse it, but he's going to try and help me cope with it. I can't go on the way I am."
"I understand, sir." And Ianto did. He knew, better than all the others, the demons that sometimes clawed at Jack in the small hours of the morning.
"I left in a hurry, though, and didn't get around to saying goodbye. I didn't want that on my conscience; you deserve better, so I nagged the Doctor into hooking up my phone to the TARDIS so I could call you."
Ianto couldn't hold back the grin that surfaced at the words. "I'm glad you did. The others will be sorry to have missed you."
"Yeah, give them my regards and tell Owen not to get too comfortable in my seat. It's only a temporary loan. If I could figure out a way to put you in charge, I would, but it would cause all kinds of commotion that I don't suppose you'd want."
Ianto gave a shudder. "No, I'd prefer you didn't, sir. I'll handle Owen." And he knew that he could now. The smile refused to go away.
"Just don't put too many other holes in him, 'kay? He bitches something chronic."
"I have noticed that tendency, sir. I could always slip something in his coffee if he gets too above himself."
"That's my Ianto," Jack said approvingly. "So... what are you wearing?"
"What am I wearing?" Ianto's eyes widened. "Sir, you haven't rung all the way from the Lesser Magellenic Cloud for phone sex, have you?"
"No, I told you; I phoned because I missed you and wanted to say au revoir. Since you're on the phone, though, I might as well have some fun. C'mon, what are you wearing?"
Ianto rolled his eyes. The man was unbelievable. "A suit, sir."
"No!" Jack gasped before laughing. "Well, like that's a given. Which one?"
"Sir, it's the same night of the day you left us. I'm wearing the same suit as the last time you saw me."
"Oh, not the tall, dark and gorgeous ensemble, then?" Jack sounded disappointed. "Damn, that combination always used to get me going faster than any of the others."
Ianto realised that the office was unaccountably warmer and shifted uncomfortably. "Do you know how long you'll be away, sir?" He didn't fool Jack, judging from the rich laugh.
"Got you going too, did I? Fair's fair, since I'm just as frustrated."
"Surely not, sir," Ianto said in polite disbelief.
Jack made an impatient sound. "At risk of making your head swell beyond all control, everyone out here has a hard act to follow. Besides, no-one seems to be able to make a decent cup of coffee!"
"You were born to suffer, sir." Ianto hugged every word to himself. Even if it was a lie, it was a beautifully graceful one and he was grateful.
"And the sarcasm. Did I mention that I also missed the sarcasm? I need you on the TARDIS to keep the Doctor under control."
"I'd be quite happy to volunteer," Ianto said without thinking, then realised that it was true. There was a long moment of silence and he thought he had gone too far. He was busy trying to think of an apology when Jack gave a chuckle.
"Do you know; I think I'll suggest it to him? You would love the TARDIS, Ianto, and I could show you such things.... Besides, I want my coffee! Now, about all those clothes you're wearing-" There was a sudden commotion in the background and Jack swore.
"Sir?"
"How the hell does he do it? Ten minutes on his own to do a routine repair and now he's got a pack of homicidal maniacs after his blood! The man's a menace! Ianto, got to go. I'll ring again once we're clear of this madhouse."
The line went dead. Ianto pulled in a shaky breath and carefully stored the phone number. He doubted his own phone had the range, but it was a link with Jack and he had little pride or practicality when it came to that. One thing was certain: this phone was never leaving him for the foreseeable future.
OOO
The phone went and Ianto muttered a peevish complaint, burrowing his head under the pillow until it stopped. Five seconds after it had, he woke up properly and grabbed it off the bedside table. His heart sank when he recognised the number. He'd missed Jack. Then the phone beeped to indicate a text message. Ianto checked it hurriedly and laughed: PICK UP, STUPID! The phone rang again and he answered immediately.
"Sorry about that, sir."
"I don't know; you can't get the staff," Jack huffed.
"It is-" Ianto peered at his alarm clock, "-three o'clock in the morning here, sir."
"It is? Damn, sorry, Ianto. Were you asleep or are you still pulling crazy hours?" Jack sounded a little guilty.
"Not really, sir," Ianto lied.
"I can tell when you're lying, you know," Jack said pointedly. "Hey, are you in bed?" A familiar note had entered his voice and Ianto grinned in anticipation.
"I might be."
"Oooh, what are you wearing?"
"This obsession with my clothes, sir," Ianto teased. "If you must know, I'm wearing what I normally wear in bed."
"Yowza," Jack said. He sounded like he was bouncing around with glee. "So you're in the buff!"
Ianto resisted temptation for all of two seconds. "Perish the thought, sir. No, I'm wearing a nice pair of flannelette pyjamas." He could hear Jack's jaw hit the floor from whatever part of space and time he was at.
"That is so kinky," Jack eventually said.
Now it was Ianto's jaw that did the dropping. "You think flannelette pyjamas are kinky?" he said in disbelief.
"No, I think the thought of you in flannelette pyjamas is kinky," Jack shot back. "I mean, just the thought of peeling you out of them and... are you really?"
Ianto gave in and laughed. "No, sir, I'm afraid I'm naked."
"Hey, don't sweat it, I'm flexible. Now me, I'm at a loose end. Doctor's messing about with the TARDIS' innards We tried to get back to pick you up and the TARDIS took us to Bronze Age Malta, Cardiff in the 42nd century - don't ask! - some weird planet with asexual lifeforms that even I couldn't flirt with and a very nasty little dive just off the Copernicus Arm that I never, ever want to see again. Doctor thinks it's some kind of echo effect off the Rift but it looks like we can't land as close to the date as I left as I would like."
"That's all right, sir. At least you tried."
"Yeah, well, now I've thought of it I really want to do it, you know?" Jack sounded a little sulky. "Martha's a great girl but she isn't you. I miss you." The last was said wistfully.
Ianto pulled in a shaky breath. "I miss you too." God, I miss you. I miss your smile and your outrageous comments. I miss the way you try and sneak up on me. I miss your mania for watching QVC and telling me how to adapt ordinary household appliances into sex toys. I miss you sending me bouquets of flowers with downright scandalous messages attached. I miss the way you smell, the way you taste. I miss the feel of your touch when I wake up in the night. The sex was only a tiny part of it, but I miss that as well. "It's very quiet without you around. It's not the same."
"Everyone okay?"
Ianto ran his mind over the emergencies that had come and gone; his ongoing attempts to control Owen, his manipulations to get Gwen to maintain her contact with real life and his project to boost Tosh's self-image. The thousand and one demands from the newly reactivated Torchwood One, UNIT and the government that Owen couldn't be bothered to deal with. Going out into the field more and more because they'd all decided they didn't want another team member now they knew Jack was coming back. Trying to keep on top of all the duties he was actually supposed to be doing. He couldn't remember the last time he'd had a full night's sleep.
"Everyone's fine, sir, and looking forward to your coming back. No real problems that I can think of."
"Yep, definitely lying," Jack said dryly. "You wait until I get back. We're taking a full week off, I'm booking us a cottage somewhere in Pembrokeshire and we are only getting out of bed to eat!"
"That... sounds like a plan," Ianto agreed a little breathlessly. He made a mental note to start sourcing the perfect cottage. It would be something to hold on to when the urge to throttle someone became too strong. He reached under the sheet to touch his growing erection. "What are you wearing, sir?" he asked mischievously. Jack's shout of laughter almost drowned out the beep that signified there was another call waiting. Ianto glanced at the screen, then groaned.
"What?" Jack immediately demanded.
"UNIT's on the other line."
"Ignore them."
"I can't," Ianto said regretfully. "The last time I did that, they mobilised."
"What? What the hell's going on?"
"Nothing, it’s all right," Ianto said soothingly. "It's just that everyone's still a little jumpy since the last invasion. I'd better go."
"No, wait, Ianto- Last invasion? How long have I been away?"
"One month, eleven days and.... fourteen hours," Ianto rattled off. "Not that I'm counting." The phone beeped again. "Sorry, sir, I have to go. Maybe next time."
OOO
The sound of the phone brought him out of the daze he had fallen into. He blinked, confused by the sound since he had already tried his phone and discovered he was in an area with no signal. The phone kept ringing insistently and Ianto groped for it with the hand that was still functioning. “What?” he asked tiredly.
“Ianto?”
Ianto sighed, a small smile curving cold lips. “Jack, thank God you rang.”
“What the hell’s wrong? You sound awful!”
Ianto pulled in a shallow breath and winced at the pain the simple action caused. He realised that it had begun raining with a vengeance since he had starting drifting in and out of consciousness and he looked down at the small river of bloodstained water that was flowing away from him. “I’ve had better days,” he said dully.
“Ianto, tell me what’s wrong!” Jack sounded agitated and old habits kicked in as Ianto thought of ways to reassure him.
“’s okay, my fault,” he mumbled. “Didn’t see the second one until it was too late. Stupid.”
“Ianto, I want you to listen to me very carefully,” Jack said in a voice that sounded calm but was anything but. “Are you hurt?”
Looking down at the small but deep puncture wound that refused to stop bleeding; Ianto fought back the urge to laugh a little hysterically. “Yes,” he managed.
“How bad?”
I think I’m dying, Ianto thought bleakly. It won’t stop bleeding and one side of me doesn’t work any more and it’s getting difficult to breath. “Bad,” he finally said.
“Have you called for backup?”
“No signal,” Ianto said listlessly. He frowned. How had Jack got through? Then he remembered that Jack was using TARDIS magic. “’m glad you phoned. Wanted to say goodbye.”
“Stop talking like that!” Jack snapped. “Where are the others?”
“Went…” Ianto paused and tried to catch his breath. “Went to deal with the main nest. I was supposed to deal with the stragglers but there was one I didn’t see. Stupid.”
“Where are you?”
“Cardiff, sir, same as you left me.” He was confused by the question. Where did Jack expect him to be?
“No, I meant a specific location, Ianto! C’mon, focus, kid.”
“Oh.” Ianto struggled to look around the dark, rain-lashed street, but couldn’t see any kind of street signage. “Don’t know,” he sighed. He faded out for a while and was only dimly aware of Jack shouting at him. A particularly anguished calling of his name broke through, however, and Ianto collected what remained of his wits and lifted the phone again. “Still here,” he slurred.
“Thank God,” Jack breathed. “Listen, Ianto, we’re stuck in a time eddy which was why I thought I had time to ring you, but we’re trying to get a fix on your position.”
“’s okay, sir. I’m glad I could say goodbye-“
“Ianto-“ Jack said warningly.
“No, no, this is important,” Ianto said, the words stumbling over themselves. “I have to tell you now because…” The words refused to come and he ploughed on. “I love you. I know I never said it because I didn’t want to embarrass you but I do and I wish I’d said it to your face and I’m sorry-“
A sudden stab of pain snatched the breath from his lungs and then he was coughing and the pain was doubling and trebling and more than he could bear. His vision darkened into red and then black and when he recovered and picked up the phone the line was dead. Misery swamped him. He shouldn’t have said anything. He should have kept his stupid mouth shut. What he and Jack had was supposed to be light and free. No commitment on either side, just physical pleasure and company when the world turned dark and cold. He’d never demanded fidelity from Jack and the man was subtle enough never to rub Ianto’s face in any wandering he might be doing, apart from that one time with the real Jack Harkness.
I don’t care, Ianto thought stubbornly as the darkness crept back again. I wanted to tell him. I needed to tell him. I wish I could have been here when he came back, though.
The darkness came and he didn’t fight it. He had no idea how long he was out for, but he awoke to bright light and chaos. He gave a gasping yell when he was jostled and the previously numb side of his body exploded into a wall of fire. Jumbled sound assaulted his ears and then someone - Owen, he realised as he focused blearily - was leaning over him.
“Ianto? Christ, mate, you gave us a scare! You’re on your way to hospital so don’t you dare go croaking on me, ‘cos it’d be embarrassing as hell.”
“How-?” Ianto wasn’t sure he actually managed to say that, but Owen seemed to realise what he was asking.
“Jack phoned Gwen. Nearly frightened her out of her wits, he did, raving like a madman about you dying in some back street. Gave her the co-ordinates and swore he’d skin the lot of us alive if we didn’t get over there right away. Typical. Man’s God knows how many thousands of light years away and he’s still on our backs!”
Ianto smiled and let himself slide away into a less threatening darkness. Still looking out for me, Captain, he thought drowsily. When he regained consciousness, it was to find himself in a hospital bed. He pulled a face; he hated these places with a vengeance and did everything he could to avoid them, which had caused a few arguments between himself and Jack.
Jack…
Ianto looked around for his mobile and promptly panicked when he couldn’t find it. The last thing he remembered had been passing out in some back street in the dark and the rain, so it was possible that it had been missed when he’d been rescued. The idea that he might have lost his one point of contact with Jack cut through the drugged lassitude and by the time the nurse arrived in response to the strident alarm the monitoring machines were giving, he was in no mood to listen to her. An attempt to increase his sedation went down even more badly and by the time Gwen shot into the room, Ianto was three quarters of the way off his bed and giving vent to one his rare bouts of temper.
“Ianto, no!”
“My phone.” Ianto gave Gwen a pleading look. “Where’s my phone?”
“Um, it’s probably around here somewhere,” Gwen said doubtfully.
“Probably isn’t good enough!” Ianto snarled, shoving at the gorilla they had trying to pin him down on the bed and promising himself that if the man didn’t back off he was going to field-test his own A&E department.
Tosh suddenly appeared out of nowhere and dodged around the small crowd that had gathered to go right up to Ianto. She held up what he realised was his mobile phone and he immediately grabbed at it. She pulled back and gave him a severe look.
“Back on the bed and you get the phone,” she ordered crisply.
“That’s blackmail,” Ianto said sulkily, but started to obey.
“No, it’s negotiation,” Tosh shot back, pulling to one side to allow the nurses to settle him back on the bed. Once they were satisfied, she moved closer and handed the phone over again.
Ianto heaved a sigh of relief. “Thank you.”
Tosh smiled and patted his hand. “No problem, but no work-related calls, okay? Doctors say you nearly died of blood loss because of some kind of anti-coagulant in your system, so you need some time to recover.”
“When can I leave?”
“When the doctors say you can,” Gwen chipped in.
Ianto sighed again and gave in, settling back on the bed. There was a brief argument between the girls and the nurses about Ianto being allowed to keep the mobile, but some kind of agreement must have been reached since everyone soon left him in peace. He sank into a kind of doze, the phone safely under his pillow so he could respond if it rang.
He wasn’t sure how long he’d been asleep when the door opened and a young nursing auxiliary peered around it, her dark round face filled with trepidation. Realising that he had probably now been classified as a ‘problem patient’, Ianto smiled sleepily at her and was amused to see her face immediately brighten. She disappeared, only to reappear with an enormous vase filled with an opulent display of flowers. Ianto’s eyes widened. Stargazer lilies, roses, freesias, masses of gypsophilia and some ferns exploded out of the vase in a fountain of colour, the scent spreading out from the display as she settled the vase on the table against the wall.
“Where did that come from?” he asked.
The little auxiliary blushed and giggled as she plucked a card out from amongst the flowers and handed it to him. Ianto focused on the neat print and his eyes widened even more: You don’t get out of the phone sex that easily, you know! Love, Jack. Ianto groaned and let his head fall back on the pillows. He knew what gossips nurses were and he had little doubt that he would now be one of the main topics.
“You wait until you phone next time, Jack,” he muttered, trying unsuccessfully not to blush as the giggling auxiliary left the room.
OOO
His mobile went off and every eye in the room zeroed in on him accusingly, since he was the one who had insisted that they turn their phones off. Ianto ignored them as he checked to see the number, then grinned and answered the call, ignoring the indignant spluttering from the Colonel. Tosh mouthed ‘Jack?’ and Ianto nodded, so she immediately took charge of the meeting while Ianto withdrew to Jack’s office.
“Can’t talk for long, sir. We’re in the middle of a crisis meeting,” he said regretfully.
“One of these days I’m going to get the phone sex you promised me, Ianto,” Jack grumbled.
“I promised you?” Ianto could feel his eyebrows climbing. “I must have missed that conversation, sir. Which reminds me to thank you for that highly embarrassing bouquet you sent. Owen would also like to thank you for charging it to his credit card.”
“It was my pleasure - to both of those gracious acknowledgements of my thoughtfulness. I was calling to see if you were okay.” His voice changed slightly. “You scared me that time.”
Ianto thought back to the dark, cold and wet street he had thought he would die on and grimaced. “I scared myself, sir,” he admitted.
“You okay now?”
“I’m fine, sir. Still on light duties, though.” Which meant that he was only pulling a 15-hour day.
“Yeah, right. You on light duties,” Jack snorted. “What’s that - 14, 15 hours?” He chuckled at the silence that earned him. “Ianto, Ianto, Ianto, when are you going to learn? You can’t lie to the Harkness.”
“The Harkness?” Ianto chuckled, feeling a little better. “Jack, I don’t suppose the Doctor would be willing to help me out with a question?”
“Depends on what the question would be,” Jack responded promptly. “Hang on-“ There was a blur of sound and then another voice came over the line.
“Ianto, is it? This is the Doctor. Jack says you would like to take advantage of my pearls of wisdom, but if they’re anything about how to keep Jack in line, I’m afraid I haven’t a clue. Nothing’s worked so far.”
Ianto had found himself coming almost to attention when he first heard the Doctor’s cheerful voice, but he’d relaxed again by the end of the sentence. There was something so bright and confidence-affirming about the voice that you couldn’t help but feel empowered. This is the competition, Ianto thought. Over a thousand years old, with a mind like a supercomputer high on daiquiris and a reputation for saving the universe on a regular basis. God help me. He gave himself a mental slap and brought his attention back to the matter to hand.
“You don’t keep Jack in line, sir,” he said politely. “You just herd him where you want him to go and make him think it’s his idea.” He felt an odd thrill of pride when the Doctor laughed. “But I’m afraid I’m after more practical advice. The upper echelon of Torchwood One seems to have been taken over by a parasitic alien force and we’re currently trying to work out a strategy to contain and hopefully reverse the effects.” He had walked back into the conference room as he spoke and fished out the speakerphone connection to slide the mobile into. “To be honest, we’d appreciate any assistance we can get, Doctor.”
He saw the others sit up a little straighter and more than one face held a look of relief. The Doctor was a legend to everyone present and for the first time since this latest crisis had blown up, they all allowed themselves a little bit of hope.
“Right, who’s with you?” the Doctor asked briskly.
“Torchwood Three: Tosh, Owen, Gwen and myself. Colonel Rook, Lieutenant Benton and Dr Midori from UNIT. Paul Grieg and Amanda Benson from Torchwood One.”
“Lieutenant Benton?” the Doctor asked.
Benton grinned. “My father has always told me to give you his regards if I ever saw you, sir, and to tell you that there’ll always be a mug of tea and a cheese and pickle sandwich at his home with your name on it.”
The Doctor chuckled. “Benton’s daughter an officer! I must visit and commiserate with him some time, but for now, we have more serious business. What are the symptoms of this takeover?”
The meeting became energised, with the Doctor flashing off sparks of information and inspiration and Jack chipping in with tactical observations. Ianto was kept busy at first, dampening the territorial instincts of some of the participants and making sure everyone stayed focused, but gradually his tactics started to work and people put aside their differences and he was able to sit back a little. This is how we should be, he thought wistfully. This is what we are capable of.
The Doctor was finally able to narrow down the field of suspects to three probables and give them strategic information on how to deal with them. Everyone was feeling a lot more positive as the meeting broke up. Ianto was reaching for the mobile when Jack’s voice came back on line.
“So, when do I get the phone sex then, Ianto?”
Ianto froze in utter mortification. “For god’s sake, Jack,” he managed to strangled tones, “we’re on speakerphone!” All he got was Jack’s irrepressible laughter as the connection broke and he lowered his head to the table in embarrassment.
The others had frozen into silence for a while but then Benton broke it with her infectious giggle. “My god, the stories about Captain Harkness are true!”
“The stories about Captain Harkness,” Ianto said as he refused to lift his head up, “are always, always a vast understatement!” To his surprise, the laughter he got was affectionate.
The Colonel paused as he went out and gave him a clap on the shoulder. “If it’s any consolation, my predecessor always used to threaten to geld the Captain on a regular basis. Mind you, makes me positively grateful that I don’t have to keep him under control!”
With another friendly pat, the Colonel left, trailing a Benton who winked and a Midori who simply looked bewildered. Seeing the knowing grins on the faces of the others, Ianto gave up on being embarrassed.
“Anyone fancy a coffee?” he asked.
OOO
The phone rang and Ianto sighed with relief when he saw that it was Jack on the other end. “You’re not getting phone sex,” he growled. “Not with the day I’ve been having!”
“Pardon?”
The woman’s voice was completely unfamiliar and Ianto froze, all his other problems momentarily fading into insignificance. “Um, I don’t meant to sound rude, but who are you?”
“Martha Jones,” the woman said, sounding like she was torn between amusement and annoyance. “Jack asked me to phone you while he was getting cleaned up. Would I be right in saying that I got set up?”
Ianto groaned. Jack would have known that Ianto would hold a grudge over the way the last phone call had ended. “No, Martha, I got set up. My apologies.”
“That’s okay.” Martha had obviously decided on amused. “Would you like to get a little payback?” she asked mischievously.
“Well, yes, that would be nice,” Ianto said cautiously.
“Okay, hang on until Jack comes back. He owes me big time for the stunt he pulled on Edores IX. Right, he’s coming - play along!” Before Ianto could make suspicious demands as to what he was buying into, Martha let out a moan so lecherous that Ianto almost dropped the phone. “My God, that’s hot, Ianto! What kind of underwear are you wearing?”
Ianto could hear Jack’s yelp even from a distance and then there was a degree of turbulent non-noise as Martha and Jack seemed to be fighting for control of the phone. He bit the inside of his mouth to stop from laughing out loud at the sound of Jack swearing and Martha’s protestations that she couldn’t help it if his timing was so lousy. Finally, however, Jack got control of the phone and was huffing his indignation down it.
“I don’t know what you mean, sir,” Ianto said at his very blandest.
“You- Martha- Ianto…” Jack said warningly.
“Well, if you will let strange beautiful women use your phone, Jack,” Ianto said impishly. A commotion down in the Hub distracted him and he swore.
“You swore!” Jack said in astonishment.
“I have been known to, sir,” Ianto said, a little more waspishly than he’d intended. He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the glass wall of the office. “Sorry.”
“Bad day?” Jack said sympathetically.
Ianto opened his eyes and looked down at the chaos below. “You could say that, sir.”
“Want to tell me about it?”
“Only if you’re sitting down and have access to alcohol, sir. Believe me, the temptation to start making inroads on your stash is very strong at the moment.”
Jack gave a rich laugh. “Hey, come on, this is me, Ianto. Nothing you can say can shake me!”
Want a bet? Ianto thought. “Bear in mind that you asked for this, sir.” He drew in a deep breath. “Gwen and Owen have currently switched bodies due to a close brush with an alien device. In order to allay suspicions, Owen - who was in Gwen’s body - went to see Rhys in order to buy some time. They wound up having sex because Owen can’t keep it in his pants even when he doesn’t have it in his pants any more. Now Owen - in Gwen’s body - is pregnant, and Tosh has determined that the situation can’t be reversed without endangering the baby. Gwen is downright homicidal because Owen has decided that he wants to have the baby and has apparently got ‘feelings’ for Rhys. She retaliated by attempting to seduce Tosh, who meant to punch her - as Owen - but ended up activating the device and has swopped bodies with Myfanwy.”
He paused and suppressed the urge to swear again. “I have one member of staff pregnant, another one in a constant state of homicidal fury, the third attempting to fly if I take my eyes off her for more than a minute at a time and a pteranadon that is trying to use her beak to access a computer program. I think even you would consider this a managerial challenge, sir!”
There was total silence for a moment and then Martha’s voice came over the line, sounding worried.
“Ianto? What did you say to him? He’s banging his head against the TARDIS wall and laughing hysterically!”
Ianto sighed. “Just another day at the office, Martha.”
OOO
The phone rang. Ianto glared at it, but it continued to ring and after a while he reluctantly answered it. “Before you say anything, yes, it’s me. Yes, I know what’s happened and no, I am not happy about it!”
There was a pause. “Okay,” Jack said cautiously. “Um, Ianto?”
“I said it was me, didn’t I?” Ianto growled. Or tried to. He still hadn’t got used to the sound of his new voice.
“Oh, dear,” Jack said. He sounded like he was trying not to laugh and cleared his throat frantically. “Do I get to know what happened?”
“If I said no, would you take any notice?” Ianto asked hopefully.
“No, I’d nag,” Jack admitted.
Ianto sighed. “Remember that alien device I told you about? The one that swopped people into one another’s bodies?”
“I’m not likely to forget that, now am I?” Jack laughed. “Hang on, are you saying you swapped with someone? I don’t recognise the voice - and I would definitely recognise a voice this sexy!”
“I haven’t swapped with anyone,” Ianto said, slightly mollified by the unwitting flattery. “The cursed thing had another setting we didn’t know about; one that turns the target into the opposite sex.”
“So I’m speaking to a female Ianto Jones?” Jack demanded incredulously. “Whoa, take pictures! Preferably of you naked.”
“Jack!”
“What? Hey, you sound sexy as hell, okay? And I know you’re gorgeous as a male so it follows that you’ll be just as hot as a female. Am I right or am I right? Huh, huh?”
“I.. wouldn’t know,” Ianto admitted. “I haven’t had the guts to look in a mirror.” He winced as Jack laughed. “It’s all right for you - you’re used to this kind of thing.”
“Hey, I’ve only turned female the once!” Jack said indignantly. “And don’t think I don’t remember how supportive you were at the time! Locking yourself in the Archives like that,” he grumbled.
“Which meant that, up until this morning, you were one up on me,” Ianto shot back. “And I refuse to feel guilty about locking myself in the Archives - you were scary as a female!”
“I only wanted to experiment,” Jack said in hurt tones, then spoilt it by laughing. “So what did you do; drop the machine?”
“No, Gwen was mad at me and tried to swop me with Tosh, only she pressed the buttons in the wrong order and this happened to us instead. Why do half the alien races in the galaxy design machines that involve sex of some kind?” he asked peevishly.
“Hang on: us? It happened to Tosh, as well? That means-“
“I’d really rather not talk about that, if you don’t mind,” Ianto said firmly.
“Ianto, is Tosh cute as a male?” Jack demanded in dawning suspicion.
Ianto didn’t quite manage to suppress his whimper and he went to lean his forehead against a convenient wall. “How do they get anything done?” he demanded in strangled tones. “They talk about us being sex mad but every time I turn round I’m being swamped by some kind of hormonal surge! I’m going to go mad if this goes on for much longer.”
Jack desperately tried to say something that Ianto assumed was meant to be supportive, but he kept dissolving into giggles, which sort of ruined the effect. Ianto glared at the phone and mentally resolved to punch the man’s lights out when he saw him next. Although visualising the Captain walking in through the door was enough to trigger one of those surges that was making it so hard to think. He moved around the room restlessly, then gave a squeak of dismay when he saw Tosh approaching.
“You squeaked!” Jack exclaimed in astonishment. “Damn, that sounded cute.”
“Shut up, Jack,” Ianto said helplessly, just as the door opened to admit Tosh. “I’m on the phone,” Ianto informed Tosh hastily.
“I know; this is just a progress report,” Tosh said, unconsciously running his/her gaze up and down Ianto in a way that made Ianto want to smack him - her! - and then go and lock himself in the Archives again. “I think I’ve worked out what Gwen did, but we really need to get that machine off her so we can reverse the process. Although I have to say that this isn’t as bad as I thought it would be.” The grin he gave Ianto drove all coherent thought out of Ianto’s head for a good two minutes after he - she, damn it! - had left.
“Sounds like you’re having fun,” Jack said darkly.
“Oh, shut up; this wouldn’t have happened if you’d been here,” Ianto grumbled. “Gwen’s locked herself in one of the quarantine rooms and refuses to come out. I was working on the override when you rang. Can I kill her?” he asked hopefully.
Jack chuckled. “No, I think that’s going to be my prerogative when I get back. How’s the pregnancy thing going?”
Ianto smiled, his mood momentarily lifting. “Owen can’t understand why women willingly go through this torture. The good news is that he no longer has feelings for Rhys, the bad news is that I’ve had to retcon Rhys three times because Gwen keeps forgetting she's Owen and tries to kiss him. I hope like hell we were right about retcon not having a cumulative effect, otherwise Rhys is going to turn out to be one of Cardiff’s worse serial killers by the time the nine months are up!”
“It could be worse,” Jack said consolingly.
“How?” Ianto demanded.
“Well, you could have to deal with UNIT while you’re female,” Jack pointed out.
“You mean like the meeting I had with Colonel Rook this morning?” Ianto asked sweetly.
“Ah.”
“The one where the Colonel was a perfect gentleman and treated me exactly the same as he always has?” Well, once he’d got over the shock, he amended silently.
“Well-“
“The one where there wasn’t a single sexual innuendo or idiotic comment for the entire meeting?” Ianto continued remorselessly.
“You’re mad at me, aren’t you?” Jack said knowledgeably. “I can always tell, you know.”
Despite his annoyance, Ianto couldn’t help but laugh. “What tipped you off?” He hesitated for a moment, then gave in to his inner demon. “It’s a pity you aren’t here, though,” he said with deliberate wistfulness. “It might have been fun experimenting with this body.”
“Oh, yeah,” Jack agreed enthusiastically.
“Just you, me, candlelight, soft music, warm scented oils…” Ianto continued in a dreamy voice. He smirked at the strangled sound he got from the other end. “Still, beggars can’t be choosers, right?” he went on brightly. “I suppose I’d better get back to trying to prise Gwen out of that room. Talk to you again some time, Captain. Ciao.”
He finished the call on an outraged howl from Jack. For the first time in a long time, Ianto Jones laughed himself silly.
OOO
On a scale of one to ten in sheer lousiness, this day was doing its best to rank as a twenty-six. Ianto shifted uncomfortably on the cold metal floor of the cell he was being held in and wished he hadn't had the bright idea of sneaking aboard the alien ship and trying to figure out a weakness to the shielding that had been making them invulnerable to all the weaponry UNIT and Torchwood had been bringing to bear on them. Not that it hadn't yielded the result that he had hoped for; he now knew the frequency of the shield parameters and with that information Tosh and Liz would be able to cobble something together to short-circuit the force-field. Unfortunately, he had been caught before he could get off the ship and after a quick working over by the alien leader, he had been tossed into this cell to wait for his execution.
The frustrating thing was that they had left him his mobile phone, laughing over the primitive technology and telling him that this was why they were going to take over the Earth and enslave the human race. Ianto had been semi-conscious at the time, so had no difficulty over holding his tongue over pointing out the fact that their force-shield didn't seem to block a mobile signal. To his intense annoyance, however, whatever was shielding the cells was a completely different animal and he couldn't get any kind of signal.
He had the bloody answer and he couldn't tell anyone! If he had the energy, Ianto would have screamed in frustration. This kind of thing wouldn't have happened to Jack, he reflected a little morosely. Thinking of Jack seemed to kick-start his brain, however, and he realised that he still might have a chance to pass on the information that he had discovered. Taking out his phone, he paused to collect his thoughts, then quickly punched out a concise text that gave the crucial information the others needed. He called up Jack and Tosh's numbers and pressed to send. This way the text would be sent as soon as the shield around the cell collapsed when they came to execute him.
The sound of his phone ringing had him leaping out of his skin, but when he saw it was Jack's number, he gave a whoop of delight and answered immediately. "Jack, did you get the text?"
"Yeah, that's why I'm phoning. What-"
"Never mind, just send the text on to Tosh now, okay? I don't know how long it'll be before they come for me, but the head alien said they'd launch the attack after they executed me as an example-"
What?"
"Shut up, will you? Just send the info on to Tosh so she can come up with an effective weapon that UNIT can use."
There was a moment of silence, then Jack sighed. "Okay, but I'll be getting back to you after I do and then I'll want a proper explanation."
He signed off and Ianto relaxed back against the wall of the cell with a sigh. They were in with a fighting chance now, which was all he could ask for. After what his watch told him was an hour of waiting without any sign of Jack calling back, Ianto decided that the contact had been a fluke, albeit one that could possibly have saved the human race. The sound of the force-shield around his cell being shut off had him pushing himself to his feet and he grinned a little mirthlessly at the alien that appeared at the door.
"Time to go?" he inquired sarcastically.
"As a matter of fact it is," said Captain Lethbridge-Stewart as he continued to prod the alien into the cell. "Out you come."
"Douglas?" Ianto said incredulously, his jaw hitting the floor. "What are you doing here?"
"Rescuing your ungodly carcass," Douglas said blithely. "We've got about ten more minutes before we start blowing this ship seven ways to hell."
"Who's bright idea was this?" Ianto growled as he hastily exited the cell and watched Douglas lock the hapless alien guard inside.
"Bit of a general consensus really," Dunacan drawled as he helped Ianto along the seemingly endless quarters, "but I suppose having Jack Harkness threaten to give Earth's co-ordinates to at least five major war-mongering races if we didn't save your butt might have acted as a motivating force!"
Ianto shook his head but said nothing. Fifteen minutes later, he had the satisfaction of watching Tosh's hastily jury-rigged weapon blow the alien spaceship halfway back to where it had come from.
OOO
“Ianto?”
“Um, this isn’t a very convenient time, Captain….”
“Exterminate!”
“Holy shit! Ianto-“
“Later, sir!”
OOO
The phone rang. Ianto gazed at it with mild revulsion for a while, then realised that he was supposed to answer a phone when it rang. He wondered if he wanted to, then decided that he might as well since the day couldn’t possibly get any worse than it already had.
“Whaddyawant?” he demanded.
There was a long pause. “Ianto?” Jack asked incredulously.
Ianto made a rude noise. “You were expecting God?” he said sarcastically.
“You… sound drunk,” Jack said cautiously.
“That’s probably because I am,” Ianto responded with a laugh that tasted bitter as gall in his throat. “But not as drunk as I intend to be, since I haven’t passed out yet.”
“So what’s the occasion?”
“Why would there need to be an occasion?” Ianto snapped. “Maybe I felt like getting blind, stinking drunk for the sheer hell of it.” There was another moment of silence, but Ianto refused to break it. He was too angry at the Universe at the moment to be the slightest bit servile.
“Ianto, you rarely get more than a little tipsy, and that’s only when you’re with people you trust,” Jack said. “The only times I’ve ever known you deliberately get drunk were when something terrible happened. Are you all right?”
“Oh, I’m fine,” Ianto snarled. He lifted the bottle back to his lips and took a healthy swig. “I’m not the one who was out in the field trusting that the person co-ordinating things had more than two brain cells rubbing together!”
He raised the bottle again and drank, cursing when he realised that it was empty. Tossing it to one side - and ignoring the sound of it smashing against the floor - he levered himself up on his feet and staggered over to where Jack’s bar was. Grabbing a bottle at random, he managed to get back to the sofa before collapsing. It was gin, he realised after the first mouthful, which he would normally scorn, but right now he wanted as much alcohol inside him as possible. He belatedly realised that Jack had been talking while he’d been away, so he picked up the phone again.
“Sorry, had to go and get more supplies,” he said flippantly. “Did you say anything interesting while I was gone?”
He heard Jack pull in a deep breath. “I asked if the rest of the team were okay.”
The question raked at the open wound Ianto was desperately trying to cauterize with alcohol. “Define ‘okay’. Is it okay if she’s still alive because the machines are breathing for her? Is it okay if she’s still alive after a seven hour operation to put her back together again? Is it okay if she may never wake up, or wake up brain damaged?” His voice failed him and he lifted the bottle again, gulping the alcohol down like it was water.
“Which she, Ianto?” Jack asked, his voice small and broken amidst the constant roaring in Ianto’s ears.
“Tosh.”
Ianto shook his head, fighting the tears. They didn’t help, hadn’t helped. Neither had getting himself punched by Owen in Gwen’s body. Neither had being screamed at by Gwen in Owen’s body. Muller, the temporary replacement for Owen while he was off on maternity leave, had hovered on the periphery, looking uncomfortable, like someone caught in the middle of a family row. Nothing had helped while he was waiting for the surgeons to finish operating on Tosh, the others eventually giving in to their exhaustion and leaving. Even the alcohol wasn’t helping, despite his hopes that it would.
“What happened?”
Ianto flinched at the question, but old habits died hard. “There was a call about a pack of giant dogs on the loose. They matched the description of Derfic warhounds. I sent the team out and stayed behind to co-ordinate. I’d teamed Muller with Gwen-“
“Who’s Muller?”
“Stefan Muller. He was sent down from Torchwood London because Owen’s had to go off on maternity leave and we weren’t coping with just the three of us. He’s been here about a month.”
“Any good?” Ianto hesitated. “Uh-huh. Get rid of him and find someone else.”
“I didn’t say anything!” Ianto protested.
“You were trying to think of the right words. That tells me all I need to know. So what happened?”
Ianto struggled to maintain his composure as he slipped back into the nightmare. “I teamed Muller with Gwen because she’s still having trouble with Owen’s body. Nothing major, but her reactions are off and that can be fatal in a fight. They started arguing about something and I… I got distracted. I took my attention off Tosh and she got jumped. Oh, god, Jack, I can still hear her scream-“
He closed his eyes but the nightmare was inside his head and couldn’t be shut out. He’d been irritated by the petty squabbling between Muller and Gwen; something that had been happening ever since the ex-SAS man had been sent from London. Ianto had decided to pull them all back and send them out as a threesome, even though that cut down on their effectiveness at a search, when he’d been deafened by Tosh’s scream of startled agony. The rest of the incident was a blur. He had a vague recollection of getting Muller and Gwen to Tosh’s location and getting the emergency services to her as soon as possible, but everything was filtered through a soundtrack of Tosh’s weakening sobs as shock and blood loss sent her into an oblivion that Ianto was still terrified would be permanent.
“She’s still alive?”
Ianto nodded, then realised that Jack couldn’t see him. “Yes. I pulled in some favours to drag some specialised surgeons down to Cardiff. We’re also using one of the alien medical devices from the Archives to help her chances. London’s mad as hell that I released it to the doctors treating Tosh but I couldn’t care less. I’m tired of us sitting on stuff that could make a difference to people living or dying.”
“And in the meantime you’re sitting alone in the Hub getting smashed out of your mind.”
Ianto discovered that he wasn’t so drunk that Jack couldn’t make him squirm with a single evenly spoken comment. “The hospital threw me out after I’d been there for ten hours,” he admitted. “They told me to go home and get some rest!” He gave a strangled laugh that was half a sob. “Rest. Like I can sleep while she’s hanging on to life by a thread and all because I was too busy getting shirty about Muller and Gwen being prats to pay attention to what was happening with her.”
“Could you pick up the locations of the warhounds on the Hub computers?” Jack asked mildly.
“She was on her own and in a potentially exposed situation,” Ianto shot back, not in the mood for a reasoned argument. “I should have been in constant contact.”
“And how would that have stopped her getting jumped?”
“I shouldn’t have had her on her own. I should have gone out with them and not stayed behind.”
“Why did you stay behind?”
Ianto hesitated, wondering if he could get away with a lie. “I got a little bruised from the last time we had to deal with something,” he said reluctantly.
“Okay, and ‘bruised’ would translate as what?” Jack asked with an edge to his voice.
Ianto gave in. “We had to tackle a really big pack of Weevils. It was just after Owen went on maternity leave and why we realised we needed more than the three of us.”
“How badly were you hurt?” Jack demanded sharply.
“Um, leg got a bit mangled but it’s healing clean. Won’t even scar with the wound gel I have to slather on. Wish it smelt a little less like jasmine, though. I get the strangest looks from people.” His attempt at levity didn’t work. He could hear Jack’s irritation in his voice.
“So you’re beating yourself up about not going into the field when you were physically below par and would have been more of a hindrance than a help?”
“No,” Ianto shot back with equal heat. “I’m beating myself up because Tosh trusted me to watch her back and I allowed my unprofessional approach to the job to endanger her life!”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Ianto,” Jack sighed, “get a grip! You were miles away, you couldn’t pick up the hostiles with the equipment you had and even if you had had your full attention on Tosh there would have been no way that you could have altered the outcome. Okay, let’s turn this around: if I had been there, what would have happened?”
“You would have done something to save Tosh,” Ianto said promptly.
“What?”
“I don’t know; something.”
“Well I’m afraid I can’t think what it would have been,” Jack said flatly.
“You would have gone out, even with a busted leg,” Ianto said slowly. “You would have been there and you’d have made sure the warhound would have taken you instead of her.” The silence that earned him made him smile in bitter victory and take another drink, grimacing at the taste. He really didn’t like gin.
“Okay, so you’re probably right there,” Jack admitted. “The difference is, I would have got back up after the warhound finished with me. You wouldn’t have. You had better not have shrugged just then, Ianto,” he finished meaningfully.
Since Ianto had done just that, he choked on the mouthful of gin he had taken. Jack chuckled tiredly.
“Do I know you, or what? Ianto, listen to someone who has been through this crap before, more times that he would like to remember. Sometimes there is no right way. You couldn’t have prevented this, but you’ve got her this far. Now it’s up to Tosh and she’s a fighter. Give her some credit.”
The phone beeped and Ianto saw that it was the hospital calling. He told Jack as much, fear doing its best to throttle him.
“Okay, I’ll ring off and come back in fifteen minutes. And Ianto? If it’s bad news, remember the promise you made me.”
It took a while, but Ianto belatedly remembered that Jack had made him promise not to take his own life after Lisa. He sighed, realising that Jack knew him better than he knew himself. The phone beeped again.
“Yes, sir, I remember.”
Jack rang off and Ianto braced himself before returning the call to the hospital. The man who answered had the kind of voice that was practised at passing on bad news. Ianto was so braced for the worst that it took a while for the words the man was speaking to actually penetrate. After he had rung off, he reflected that the doctor probably thought he was a cold-hearted bastard since he had barely said a word. Inside, however…. When the phone rang again, he answered immediately.
“She’s come round and she’s lucid,” he told Jack in a rush. “I need to sober up. I need to get to the hospital. I-“
“You need to get some rest,” Jack cut in. “I’ll phone Gwen and get her to go to the hospital. You are going to rest for at least three hours before you leave the Hub and you will go by taxi. That’s an order, Ianto.”
“Technically you can’t order me, since you’re on secondment and out of the chain of command,” Ianto objected.
“Secondment? Since when was I on secondment?” Jack demanded incredulously.
“I had to put something down to appease the bureaucrats up in London.”
“Where am I seconded to?” Jack asked curiously.
Ianto smiled. “That stumped me for a while, but you are currently on liaison duties and representing Torchwood to a non-British organisation and operating outside of British territorial waters.”
Jack roared with laughter. “You wait until I tell the Doctor he’s an organisation! I’ve yet to meet anyone less organised! Give Tosh my love, Ianto, and tell her that I’m thinking of her. And I’ll be ringing in a couple of days to check that you’re okay as well, so don’t think I’m going to ignore this.”
“I didn’t think I’d be that lucky,” Ianto sighed. “Besides, I’m going to be suffering from a hangover tomorrow, so I won’t be in a fit state to do much of anything.”
“Hmm, I’d forgotten that. You still got my stuff there?” Ianto opened his mouth to tell him that he’d refused to let the others move anything of Jack’s, but he didn’t get a chance. “There was a small tin box in the upper right hand drawer of my desk. Take two of the green pills you find inside. They’ll make you thirsty as hell but you won’t get much more than a light headache. And don’t think this means you can go and get drunk again. At least not until I’m back to watch over you.”
Ianto sucked in a breath at that. He could remember times when he had woken up at night and found Jack watching over him. That had been about the time that the nightmares had started to lose their power over him and he no longer dreaded the idea of going to bed. “I’m sorry, Jack. I know I was weak but-“ To his surprise, Jack laughed.
“Weak? God, if only you knew…. Ianto, is there anyone there with you? No? I didn’t think so. You’re carrying the world on your shoulders again, but this time I’m not there.” Jack sounded frustrated. “I wish I was. I wish this stupid echo or surge or whatever it is would die away and let the TARDIS come back, but I’m stuck on the wrong end of a phone and all I have are words.”
“At least I have those,” Ianto said with a sigh and a smile. “Tosh is usually the one who’s around when I need someone to moan at. You’ll be proud when you come back, Jack. She’s grown so much. I think that’s why I went so crazy when she was hurt. She doesn’t deserve this kind of thing to happen.”
“No-one does, but we take the risk every time we take a stand. Hey, maybe I’ll send her a bouquet of flowers to cheer her up!”
“Owen changed his credit card after that last stunt you pulled, Jack.” Ianto laughed at the mutter that earned him from Jack. “Would you like the new details?” he asked innocently.
“Oooh, I love it when you’re evil and wicked,” Jack snickered. “Tell away. And maybe she’d like some expensive perfume, as well?”
Ianto grinned, looked at the bottle he was still holding and put it to one side. He’d let himself give in this once, but never again. He had a yardstick to measure up to in Jack and no way was he going to let the man down.
OOO
Go on to Chapter Two here