The Lies We Tell Ourselves (and Others) part 3
Title: The Lies We Tell Ourselves (and Others) part 3
Author:Tamoline
Rating: R
Fandom: The Good Wife
Pairing: Alicia/Kalinda
Prompt from sweetjamielee's 'It's a Lockhart-Gardner Tradition' 2012 Summer Ficathon'
Prompt - AU - Alicia and Kalinda meet up as college students at Georgetown. Hijinks ensue.
Vijay, it's complicated. I'd really love to come and see you.
I would.
I just can't. I don't have the time or the money or the...
I just can't.
XxxxxxX
In the end, it was Will who called me the next day.
"Kalinda?"
"Have you seen Alicia?" burst from my mouth, quickly followed by, "How is she?"
It revealed entirely too much, but I couldn't help myself.
There was a dry laugh from the phone. "She's... it's complicated. Do you have time to meet up?"
No. I had a class that I was on the edge of failing, but...
"Sure. When and where?"
He gave me the name of a coffee shop. "Meet me there in an hour?"
"See you then."
Will had dark circles under his eyes, as though he hadn't slept all night. He nodded to me as he arrived, but headed off the counter to order a large espresso before coming over.
"You look like hell," were the first words out of his mouth.
"Thanks. You don't look so hot either."
"Yeah," He blew on his drink, then took a series of sips. "Alicia turned up at my place last night. Apparently you were cheating on me?"
I looked at him levelly. "I never said that we'd be exclusive."
"I tried explaining that to her, but... She wasn't in the mood to listen. I'm fairly sure that there's something else, but she was being remarkably tight-lipped about the whole thing. She did ask me if I knew about your name?" he said, looking at me questioningly.
"It's complicated."
"That's what she said too." He leaned back in the seat, and flexed his shoulders a bit. "There's... it might not be politic to see you for a while. Sorry."
"Oh?"
"Chris phoned up when she was at my place. He wanted to know where she was. Needless to say, he wasn't happy to find out that was with me, even though Alicia told him she was 'comforting me after I had been cheated on by my girlfriend.'" He rolled his eyes a little.
"Poor you."
"Yes, well, things degenerated. There was shouting, there was screaming, and by the end of the phone call, *she* had broken up with *him*. Which is a first with Alicia."
I had a sick feeling that I knew where this was going.
He rubbed his head with one hand. "So there was talking, and hugging, and crying, and, yeah. I now actually have a girlfriend." He didn't sound as happy as you might have thought, given how long they'd had that tension thing going.
Maybe he was just tired. Maybe he'd have preferred better circumstances.
Anyway.
This was what I wanted, right?
Not like this, not with Alicia so angry at me, but...
It shouldn't hurt so much, should it?
"Congratulations."
He looked at me, consideringly, for a moment. "Look, what is the deal with you and Alicia? You two have been more hot and cold with each other than I've seen either of you with anyone else."
"Does it matter?" I asked rhetorically.
"You're my friend, Kalinda, and she's the person I've loved since..." he threw a hand up in the air. "I don't want to get caught up in whatever drama you two have going between you, but I *do* care about the both of you."
I couldn't take any more of this. There was a cold searing pain inside of me, and Will... Will was getting too close and I couldn't handle any more of it.
I stood up, and gave him the best non-committal smile I could at that point. "Don't worry about it," I told him.
Maybe now, with no one to drag me back into contact with Alicia, I'd be fine.
And if I hurt, a sea of pain, then it was no less than I deserved.
"Take care of her," I told him. "Take care of yourself too."
I gave him a small wave, and left the shop as quickly I could without making it look like I was fleeing.
XxxxxxX
Please forgive me. Just, please. Forgive me.
XxxxxxX
There was a knock at my door. Short. Sharp. Loud.
I considered ignoring it. I was in the middle of revising for a test, and the facts were just refusing to stay in my head
But... I really shouldn't. I stood up, and made an effort to relax, compose a soft smile and opened the door.
The smile became a little more fixed when I saw it was Alicia.
She did not look overly happy to be here.
I briefly wavered between Kalinda and Leela, but this was Leela's room.
"Can I help you?" I asked as pleasantly as I could.
Alicia just looked at me for a moment, hard. "My boyfriend thinks I should give you a second chance," was what she finally said.
My heart, traitorously, foolishly, leapt in my chest. "Really?" I couldn't help asking.
She pressed her lips. "Just one, though. Explain."
"Would you like to come in and sit down?" I asked.
She nodded and entered my room, taking the chair I offered whilst I took the bed.
I took a breath, and let it out. "Now, what would you like me to explain?"
"You. What that girl meant, when she said that you're only Kalinda to your cases. Why you're acting so differently at the moment. Why have you been lying to me?" She said the last sentence more passionately than the rest, as though it was being squeezed out of her.
I looked down at my lap. "This may take a while."
"I have the time."
I wasn't sure I did at the moment, glancing briefly at the work on the table.
But...
This was Alicia. And she was giving me another chance. Even if it felt like giving her any more of me would just let her hurt me that much worse if (when) she rejected me.
I had to take the chance.
I told her my fairytale, suitably edited, of a girl called Leela growing up in the system, constantly shuffled from place to place, rarely even seeing my brother. Of Miss Bowen, who had made such an impression on me, inspiring me to try and become a child psychiatrist, to be able to help other children like myself.
"I'm still a long way from it," I told her shyly. "But I'm slowly getting there."
"So why did you tell me your name was Kalinda?" she asked.
"I still need money to cover what the scholarship can't. And, well, I have a talent for finding things out, putting things together. Becoming a private investigator seemed a natural extension of that. But the work often gets... complicated. It might require going above and beyond to get the information or the proof that the client wants. And it's the kind of thing that might not necessarily look good when looking for further scholarships or work in this field. So, I made up a false identity: Kalinda Sharma." I shrugged. "I first met you when I was on a case, looking for someone, so that's how I introduced myself."
"And why do you seem so different now?" she asked, as though suspecting a trick.
"This is who I am. It's just... As Kalinda it's useful to keep more of a wall between myself and the outside world." Less taxing. It was *exhausting* feeling so open, so exposed. And I didn't want to empathise too much with the people I talked to as Kalinda. Like I had to with the people I talked to as Leela. "And, like I said, you met me as Kalinda."
She looked at me for a long minute. "So this is who you really are?"
This is who I want to be. Even if sometimes I think that there's so far still to go.
I nodded.
She pursed her lips. "I'll have to think about this. But I don't understand why you couldn't have told me this before. I thought that we were friends. I thought that I-" she bit the end of the sentence off. "I'll have to think about this," she repeated, then stood up.
"Will I see you around?" I had to ask.
"I'll let you know," she said, and left.
XxxxxxX
A couple of days later, I got a text message from her inviting me out to a meetup. When I got there, Alicia and Will were sitting together. When he spotted me, Will smiled and raised his glass to me. Alicia raised her head from its position on Will's shoulder and gave me something approaching a smile, before laying it down again.
I relaxed into a chair and faded into the background like I'd never been absent.
Alicia didn't look at me after that once all night.
It hurt. But it had been what I wanted.
XxxxxxX
All too soon, the end of their last year in the System, their last year in school loomed. Leela had managed to get a scholarship to Georgetown and, as much as she loved Vidhya, both of them were aware that her chances would be better if Vidhya wasn't around.
This didn't stop Vidhya trying to pass on as many of her skills as she could. And didn't stop her promising that if Leela ever needed anything, anything at all, all she'd have to do is phone Vidhya up and Vidhya would move heaven and earth to do it.
Everything went as well as could be expected until the party.
XxxxxxX
Will and Alicia seemed happy, content, relaxed. Alicia's eyes didn't stray, tended to avoid me completely, and Will never seemed possessive, unlike both Chris and Dan. So I wasn't quite sure what to expect when Alicia said "Could I have a word with you for a moment?" at the end of one of the collective meetings out a few weeks after that.
"Sure," I said, and waited expectantly.
She looked at me for a moment before prusing her lips in frustration. "Would you- would you like to come around for dinner some time?"
My eyes immediately looked for Will, but he had already disappeared. "Sure?" I said, my uncertainty making it a question.
"Not like that," she flushed. "It's just- I owe you for all the meals you made me."
I wondered just how much Will had to do with this invitation. This olive branch seemed very un-Alicia like.
"Okay," I said, and then, "Thank you. Would you like me to bring anything around?"
"Just yourself," she said, then smiled thinly. "And maybe Leela."
I almost backed out right then. Being just Kalinda or just Leela I could probably handle. Both?
But-
But I couldn't stop myself from nodding and saying, "Agreed. Thursday?"
"Thursday," Alicia said, then walked quickly off, not looking back.
That didn't bode well, I couldn't help thinking.
XxxxxxX
I debated about who to be as I knocked on Alicia's door, but in the end Kalinda won out. It was who I was more used to being around Alicia.
Besides, if everything went badly, I'd feel less exposed.
Alicia answered the door with a smile that seemed only slightly slightly fixed. She looked into my face for a second, but I wasn't sure whether or not she found what she was looking for there.
"Come on in, then," she said, in any case.
There was no sign of Will in her apartment. I had half expected him to be there, but apparently it was just going to be a meal for us girls. I wondered how much Alicia had told him about me, about us. He hadn't been treating me any differently, but she was going out with him. Surely she would-
"Are you just going to stand there," Alicia called from the open plan kitchen, "Or are you going to help me prepare dinner?"
"I thought that you were going to be cooking for me," I murmured as I moved past her to the chopping board.
"Things got a little out of control," she said. When I just left her words hanging, she added, "I got caught up in coursework, okay!"
I smiled slightly. That was pure Alicia alright.
"How have you managed to survive without me cooking for you?" I couldn't help asking a little teasingly.
Alicia froze for a moment, and I thought that I'd made things worse again, but then she laughed a little. "Badly."
I almost said something like, 'Can't let that happen again' but it was too soon, far too soon, so I just concentrated on chopping onions.
For a while, we were stiff together, conversation a little stilted, making sure that there was at least a foot between us at all times, but things started to relax a little.
Then the meal was served, and it was so almost like old times that it made my heart hurt. But I kept that all buried deep down beneath my mask where it couldn't show.
I'd been Kalinda all evening, and I thought that I'd gotten away with it until, when we were washing up, Alicia asked, "Why are you like *this* all the time, even when we're alone?" There was a note of frustration in her voice, but underneath that she just sounded hurt.
I took a breath, then relaxed. "It's... easier being with you as Kalinda. More relaxing. I thought... I thought that you liked Kalinda."
"I do!" Alicia grimaced. "It's just... I feel like you're shutting me out when you're like that, now that I know about this other side of you."
I offered her a wan smile. "If it helps, sometimes it feels like I most myself when I'm with you like that." Even though I really shouldn't, and I was a bad person for feeling that way.
"Really?" Alicia asked, a note of hopefulness in her voice.
"Really," I said.
You have no idea of the effect you have on me, I couldn't help thinking.
And then it was time to go. For a moment, Alicia looked like she was contemplating hugging me, but thankfully didn't.
"Shall we do this again some time?" she asked, and rolled her eyes a little. "After all, who's going to look after me if you don't?"
"Sure," I said, and offered her a bright, sincere smile straight from the part of me that was Leela.
XxxxxxX
After that, things were better between us.
There were the group meetups in which we tended not to interact that much, and though she didn't actively avoid me, she didn't *look* at me either. It still hurt, a little, seeing her with Will, but it salved some part of me, just seeing her.
And then there were the dinners, just the two of us. Things, if anything, were even more relaxed than before. Most of the time, I was Kalinda, snarky and good at listening about the woes and stresses of Alicia's life. But occasionally I could be Leela, and tell her about my course and my hopes.
It worked. It shouldn't have. It should have felt like it was tearing me apart, but it didn't.
It actually helped, and that was the most bizarre things about it.
And if, at the dinners, she occasionally *looked*... I didn't say anything, didn't disturb the peace.
Nothing was going to happen.
Nothing could.
She was with Will, and that had to be making her happy.
I couldn't let myself even think about anything else.
Even, as the weeks went on, when Will started looking less and less happy just to be with Alicia, as though there was something wrong.
So it shouldn't have been a surprise when Will met up with me to tell me that he was breaking up with Alicia.
But it really was.
XxxxxxX
"I've been the other man in enough of her relationships to know the signs," he told me, looking morosely into his drink.
"Oh?" I asked, not wanting to think about what this might mean.
"Yeah. She likes someone else. And I'm not going to play the part of the boyfriend. It always sucks."
"Will..." I said, not knowing else to say.
"I kept hoping but..." he shrugged. "Maybe it was never meant to be. Maybe the fantasy was all that was ever between us." He took a gulp of his drink, as if trying to wash the taste of his words out of his mouth.
I didn't want to believe that. I couldn't.
"Maybe you're wrong about this."
"She couldn't look me in the eyes when I confronted her about it last night. Kalinda, I'm not going to be able to be there for her about this. I'm not that much of a martyr. I know that you looked after her after Dan. Do you think..?"
I looked down at my drink. Had I been the problem here? I couldn't quite let myself believe it, but I felt the guilt anyway.
Alicia should have been happy with Will. That was the way it should have been.
Anything else was dangerous. Especially this.
But. This was Will. And this was Alicia.
There was only one answer.
"Sure," I told him.
XxxxxxX
And I was. There for her, that was.
Chastely.
As a friend.
I held her as she cried, reassured her when she doubted that she'd ever be able to hold down a relationship.
It burned like fire, it froze like ice, but I did it all with a smile on my face.
And, though it seemed like forever, over the days she got better.
Soon, we re-established our usual meals together.
Though maybe a little more frequently.
Though maybe our kitchen dance got a little more intimate as she seemed to lose her inhibitions about getting too close to me.
And she started looking. Even I couldn't deny how she was looking.
Though I did try my best.
It meant nothing, I had to tell myself after every meal we spent together.
She meant nothing by it.
I couldn't allow myself to think any differently. I couldn't stand the thought of losing our time together again.
So it came as a complete surprise when she kissed me.
XxxxxxX
Long, dizzying, deep. I felt like I was falling and had to cling onto her to keep standing.
I hadn't felt like this since...
Then my instincts kicked in before I could even smell the scent of smoke and I was kissing her back.
Finally we parted for breath and reality kicked in. I felt my eyes widen and I couldn't speak, couldn't move.
"You have *no* idea how long I've wanted to do that," she said in a low voice, breathing heavily.
You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that to you, I thought but couldn't say.
She finally seemed to notice my silence. "Are you alright?" she asked, then added a little nervously, "Are *we* alright?"
Her incipient panic broke me out of my internal deadlock. "Sure. We're good." I snorted. "More than good. Just... a big change in how I've been trying to think of you."
She laughed a little, seemingly in relief as much as anything else, and ran a hand through her hair. "Trust me, it's not a change in how I've been thinking of you. No matter how much I've tried to deny it to myself."
"So you're not planning on running away again for two weeks to find the first guy who'll have you?"
She winced. "I don't know. Are you planning on cutting contact with me for a week or two yourself?"
I laughed. "Not this time, I guess."
I was already in far too deep for that.
"So..." she said.
"So?"
"Are you planning on asking me out?"
"Why do I have to be the one to do that?"
"Because I'm the one who gets asked out."
I shrugged. "I'm not really the asking out kind." Her gaze sharpened. "But, sure. Would you do me the honour of going out with me? I might not be able to take you somewhere fancy, but I'm told I cook a mean stir fry."
She leant in and kissed me again, just as heartstoppingly as the first time. "I'd love to go out with you," she murmured against my lips. "Even if that was the most inelegant way to ask me out that I've heard since high school."
"Did say that I wasn't the asking out kind," I said, then kissed her back. "But... exceptions can be good."
"I'm glad to hear it," she said. "Now, about that meal..."
I gave her a half grin and a final kiss, before starting work chopping up the vegetables.
The rest of the night wasn't nearly as surprising, but was just as pleasant.
XxxxxxX
The next few weeks were spent defining our new relationship.
It never quite stopped feeling wrong, but also always just felt right at the same time.
I buried the confusion five fathoms deep, and refused to let it show. It wasn't fair to Alicia.
Sex happened almost incidentally one evening after teasing Alicia with how I ate spaghetti turned to making out turned into something more.
Afterwards, though, almost turned into our first fight.
XxxxxxX
"Aren't you staying the night?" Alicia looked at me with sex-tousled hair as I started pulling on clothes.
I gave her a slight smile. "I've got to get an early start."
"'Salright. I don't mind setting the alarm early."
I clutched my arms to myself a little. "I have some work back at my room I have to do before bed."
She propped herself up with one arm, and looked at me with narrowed eyes. "You're evading. What aren't you telling me?" A touch of hurt entered her expression. "I thought that you trusted me."
I bit my lip, hard, and closed my eyes, before opening them again. "We've just ha... made love for the first time. I can't talk about this now." Especially now. The first time sex has meant something to me since... "Can we just leave it for tonight?" To my shame, a note of pleading had entered my voice.
Alicia looked at me for a moment more, before coming over and hugging me. "You're shaking," she said.
I couldn't think about it right now. Couldn't think about the clouds of smoke, or the flickering flames, so I just concentrated on Alicia's arms instead, on her hand that was stroking my head gently, on her voice that was telling me that I didn't have to say or do anything if I didn't want to.
And before I knew it, I was actually asleep, despite that being the last thing I wanted.
XxxxxxX
It was their last night together. Tomorrow, Leela was going to fly to Georgetown and start her new life there. Vidhya was going to stay here with (what she claimed) was her far more practical business.
They'd gotten drunk on the outskirts of town, in an abandoned house that they'd been using for most of the year as a place to hang out, to make out and to have sex in.
Vidhya had gotten in one of her moods, and started ranting about how none of this was going to be the same, that she wasn't going to be the same, and that she might as well *burn everything down*.
The next thing Leela knew, she was choking on smoke, because Vidhya had *done* it, and she couldn't *see*. She barely made it out and, by the time she had recovered enough to stand, the place was ablaze and Vidhya wasn't coming out.
Vidhya didn't ever make it out.
Leela missed her flight, but managed to make it to D.C. a few days later, even more determined to succeed and save some children.
To make it all worthwhile.
XxxxxxX
I woke abruptly.
For a moment, I couldn't move, couldn't breathe, and I struggled for freedom before realising where I was.
Alicia's room.
"Are you... are you alright?" was the first thing I said.
"Are you?" Alicia asked, looking pale. "You were choking, gasping."
I closed my eyes and shuddered, before telling her the end of fairy tale, the part I had never told anyone else except myself.
How Vidhya had died.
"Oh, Kalinda," Alicia murmured, approaching me slowly, gently, as if I was a wild beast that might spook. She slowly placed her arms around me. "Is this alright?" she asked.
It was nice.
It was far better than I deserved.
But I couldn't help relaxing into it. Even if accepting it damned me still further.
"It wasn't your fault," she told me,
and
"Vidhya made her own decisions."
and
"There was nothing you could have done."
We stayed like that through the night, until she'd fallen asleep against me, and the dream started playing itself again, despite my best efforts.
XxxxxxX
The smoke was too thick and choking and I couldn't see the door, couldn't see anything apart from the floor beneath me as another coughing fit took me.
I was going to die here, and it was all my own fault.
Suddenly I was being lifted up by one arm.
She'd come back for me.
We stumbled off in some direction, guided by her, and the door appeared through the smoke.
A few more steps, and we were outside, laying on the grass, letting fresh air back into our lungs.
Slowly our coughing subsided.
Only... Only hers *wasn't* subsiding.
If anything, it was getting worse.
I rolled over to look at her.
Her coughing had become wheezing, and her hands were clawing at her throat as she struggled, futilely, helplessly, to breathe.
"Leela," I rasped. "Please, no. Leela."
I crawled over to where she was, tried anything, everything, but none of it *worked*.
In the end, all I managed to do was hold her while she died.
XxxxxxX
But Leela shouldn't have died. She would never have been in that house if it wasn't for me.
She was the one with the future, the one with the plan about how to make things better.
Me? Vidhya? I was just a leftover. Worthless.
I should have died.
So I decided to do the only thing I could for her.
The university was expecting a brown girl from our state, and they'd get one. It wasn't as though anyone there would know any different.
I'd carry on her dream.
I'd complete her course, even if I was nowhere near as smart as she was, even if I was only barely passing the exams.
I'd help the children in the system, because she believed it could be done even if I never did.
I'd look after her brother, even if he could never see *her* again, even if he hated me.
I'd destroy myself, and try and remake her out of my inferior parts.
And now I was here, in Alicia's arms, and I still wasn't good enough.
I shouldn't be here. Will, or someone else real, should. Someone who could make her happy.
But until then, I'd do the best I could, even if she thought my name was Leela or Kalinda.
Because Vidhya was dead and buried and *gone*.
XxxxxxX
Alicia always did like proving me wrong.
Author's Note:
Well, I hope people like this story. It's a little more angsty than people might have been imagining (and I'm kind of sorry for that) but, once I started writing, it's where the characters led me.
I did manage to write 12K words in one week, which is actually quite incredible for me, so there's that at least.
By the way, this does contain my pet theory - that Kalinda's real name is not Leela. The main reason being that she didn't freak out about Blake learning about Leela. (Because, given how they were playing, one of the first things I'd have done if I were him would have been to contact an ex-husband to try and find out some dirt, and I can't believe that she wouldn't think that way.)
But I guess we'll see.
Anyway, hope you enjoyed the ride and my writing didn't suck too badly.
Author:Tamoline
Rating: R
Fandom: The Good Wife
Pairing: Alicia/Kalinda
Prompt from sweetjamielee's 'It's a Lockhart-Gardner Tradition' 2012 Summer Ficathon'
Prompt - AU - Alicia and Kalinda meet up as college students at Georgetown. Hijinks ensue.
Vijay, it's complicated. I'd really love to come and see you.
I would.
I just can't. I don't have the time or the money or the...
I just can't.
XxxxxxX
In the end, it was Will who called me the next day.
"Kalinda?"
"Have you seen Alicia?" burst from my mouth, quickly followed by, "How is she?"
It revealed entirely too much, but I couldn't help myself.
There was a dry laugh from the phone. "She's... it's complicated. Do you have time to meet up?"
No. I had a class that I was on the edge of failing, but...
"Sure. When and where?"
He gave me the name of a coffee shop. "Meet me there in an hour?"
"See you then."
Will had dark circles under his eyes, as though he hadn't slept all night. He nodded to me as he arrived, but headed off the counter to order a large espresso before coming over.
"You look like hell," were the first words out of his mouth.
"Thanks. You don't look so hot either."
"Yeah," He blew on his drink, then took a series of sips. "Alicia turned up at my place last night. Apparently you were cheating on me?"
I looked at him levelly. "I never said that we'd be exclusive."
"I tried explaining that to her, but... She wasn't in the mood to listen. I'm fairly sure that there's something else, but she was being remarkably tight-lipped about the whole thing. She did ask me if I knew about your name?" he said, looking at me questioningly.
"It's complicated."
"That's what she said too." He leaned back in the seat, and flexed his shoulders a bit. "There's... it might not be politic to see you for a while. Sorry."
"Oh?"
"Chris phoned up when she was at my place. He wanted to know where she was. Needless to say, he wasn't happy to find out that was with me, even though Alicia told him she was 'comforting me after I had been cheated on by my girlfriend.'" He rolled his eyes a little.
"Poor you."
"Yes, well, things degenerated. There was shouting, there was screaming, and by the end of the phone call, *she* had broken up with *him*. Which is a first with Alicia."
I had a sick feeling that I knew where this was going.
He rubbed his head with one hand. "So there was talking, and hugging, and crying, and, yeah. I now actually have a girlfriend." He didn't sound as happy as you might have thought, given how long they'd had that tension thing going.
Maybe he was just tired. Maybe he'd have preferred better circumstances.
Anyway.
This was what I wanted, right?
Not like this, not with Alicia so angry at me, but...
It shouldn't hurt so much, should it?
"Congratulations."
He looked at me, consideringly, for a moment. "Look, what is the deal with you and Alicia? You two have been more hot and cold with each other than I've seen either of you with anyone else."
"Does it matter?" I asked rhetorically.
"You're my friend, Kalinda, and she's the person I've loved since..." he threw a hand up in the air. "I don't want to get caught up in whatever drama you two have going between you, but I *do* care about the both of you."
I couldn't take any more of this. There was a cold searing pain inside of me, and Will... Will was getting too close and I couldn't handle any more of it.
I stood up, and gave him the best non-committal smile I could at that point. "Don't worry about it," I told him.
Maybe now, with no one to drag me back into contact with Alicia, I'd be fine.
And if I hurt, a sea of pain, then it was no less than I deserved.
"Take care of her," I told him. "Take care of yourself too."
I gave him a small wave, and left the shop as quickly I could without making it look like I was fleeing.
XxxxxxX
Please forgive me. Just, please. Forgive me.
XxxxxxX
There was a knock at my door. Short. Sharp. Loud.
I considered ignoring it. I was in the middle of revising for a test, and the facts were just refusing to stay in my head
But... I really shouldn't. I stood up, and made an effort to relax, compose a soft smile and opened the door.
The smile became a little more fixed when I saw it was Alicia.
She did not look overly happy to be here.
I briefly wavered between Kalinda and Leela, but this was Leela's room.
"Can I help you?" I asked as pleasantly as I could.
Alicia just looked at me for a moment, hard. "My boyfriend thinks I should give you a second chance," was what she finally said.
My heart, traitorously, foolishly, leapt in my chest. "Really?" I couldn't help asking.
She pressed her lips. "Just one, though. Explain."
"Would you like to come in and sit down?" I asked.
She nodded and entered my room, taking the chair I offered whilst I took the bed.
I took a breath, and let it out. "Now, what would you like me to explain?"
"You. What that girl meant, when she said that you're only Kalinda to your cases. Why you're acting so differently at the moment. Why have you been lying to me?" She said the last sentence more passionately than the rest, as though it was being squeezed out of her.
I looked down at my lap. "This may take a while."
"I have the time."
I wasn't sure I did at the moment, glancing briefly at the work on the table.
But...
This was Alicia. And she was giving me another chance. Even if it felt like giving her any more of me would just let her hurt me that much worse if (when) she rejected me.
I had to take the chance.
I told her my fairytale, suitably edited, of a girl called Leela growing up in the system, constantly shuffled from place to place, rarely even seeing my brother. Of Miss Bowen, who had made such an impression on me, inspiring me to try and become a child psychiatrist, to be able to help other children like myself.
"I'm still a long way from it," I told her shyly. "But I'm slowly getting there."
"So why did you tell me your name was Kalinda?" she asked.
"I still need money to cover what the scholarship can't. And, well, I have a talent for finding things out, putting things together. Becoming a private investigator seemed a natural extension of that. But the work often gets... complicated. It might require going above and beyond to get the information or the proof that the client wants. And it's the kind of thing that might not necessarily look good when looking for further scholarships or work in this field. So, I made up a false identity: Kalinda Sharma." I shrugged. "I first met you when I was on a case, looking for someone, so that's how I introduced myself."
"And why do you seem so different now?" she asked, as though suspecting a trick.
"This is who I am. It's just... As Kalinda it's useful to keep more of a wall between myself and the outside world." Less taxing. It was *exhausting* feeling so open, so exposed. And I didn't want to empathise too much with the people I talked to as Kalinda. Like I had to with the people I talked to as Leela. "And, like I said, you met me as Kalinda."
She looked at me for a long minute. "So this is who you really are?"
This is who I want to be. Even if sometimes I think that there's so far still to go.
I nodded.
She pursed her lips. "I'll have to think about this. But I don't understand why you couldn't have told me this before. I thought that we were friends. I thought that I-" she bit the end of the sentence off. "I'll have to think about this," she repeated, then stood up.
"Will I see you around?" I had to ask.
"I'll let you know," she said, and left.
XxxxxxX
A couple of days later, I got a text message from her inviting me out to a meetup. When I got there, Alicia and Will were sitting together. When he spotted me, Will smiled and raised his glass to me. Alicia raised her head from its position on Will's shoulder and gave me something approaching a smile, before laying it down again.
I relaxed into a chair and faded into the background like I'd never been absent.
Alicia didn't look at me after that once all night.
It hurt. But it had been what I wanted.
XxxxxxX
All too soon, the end of their last year in the System, their last year in school loomed. Leela had managed to get a scholarship to Georgetown and, as much as she loved Vidhya, both of them were aware that her chances would be better if Vidhya wasn't around.
This didn't stop Vidhya trying to pass on as many of her skills as she could. And didn't stop her promising that if Leela ever needed anything, anything at all, all she'd have to do is phone Vidhya up and Vidhya would move heaven and earth to do it.
Everything went as well as could be expected until the party.
XxxxxxX
Will and Alicia seemed happy, content, relaxed. Alicia's eyes didn't stray, tended to avoid me completely, and Will never seemed possessive, unlike both Chris and Dan. So I wasn't quite sure what to expect when Alicia said "Could I have a word with you for a moment?" at the end of one of the collective meetings out a few weeks after that.
"Sure," I said, and waited expectantly.
She looked at me for a moment before prusing her lips in frustration. "Would you- would you like to come around for dinner some time?"
My eyes immediately looked for Will, but he had already disappeared. "Sure?" I said, my uncertainty making it a question.
"Not like that," she flushed. "It's just- I owe you for all the meals you made me."
I wondered just how much Will had to do with this invitation. This olive branch seemed very un-Alicia like.
"Okay," I said, and then, "Thank you. Would you like me to bring anything around?"
"Just yourself," she said, then smiled thinly. "And maybe Leela."
I almost backed out right then. Being just Kalinda or just Leela I could probably handle. Both?
But-
But I couldn't stop myself from nodding and saying, "Agreed. Thursday?"
"Thursday," Alicia said, then walked quickly off, not looking back.
That didn't bode well, I couldn't help thinking.
XxxxxxX
I debated about who to be as I knocked on Alicia's door, but in the end Kalinda won out. It was who I was more used to being around Alicia.
Besides, if everything went badly, I'd feel less exposed.
Alicia answered the door with a smile that seemed only slightly slightly fixed. She looked into my face for a second, but I wasn't sure whether or not she found what she was looking for there.
"Come on in, then," she said, in any case.
There was no sign of Will in her apartment. I had half expected him to be there, but apparently it was just going to be a meal for us girls. I wondered how much Alicia had told him about me, about us. He hadn't been treating me any differently, but she was going out with him. Surely she would-
"Are you just going to stand there," Alicia called from the open plan kitchen, "Or are you going to help me prepare dinner?"
"I thought that you were going to be cooking for me," I murmured as I moved past her to the chopping board.
"Things got a little out of control," she said. When I just left her words hanging, she added, "I got caught up in coursework, okay!"
I smiled slightly. That was pure Alicia alright.
"How have you managed to survive without me cooking for you?" I couldn't help asking a little teasingly.
Alicia froze for a moment, and I thought that I'd made things worse again, but then she laughed a little. "Badly."
I almost said something like, 'Can't let that happen again' but it was too soon, far too soon, so I just concentrated on chopping onions.
For a while, we were stiff together, conversation a little stilted, making sure that there was at least a foot between us at all times, but things started to relax a little.
Then the meal was served, and it was so almost like old times that it made my heart hurt. But I kept that all buried deep down beneath my mask where it couldn't show.
I'd been Kalinda all evening, and I thought that I'd gotten away with it until, when we were washing up, Alicia asked, "Why are you like *this* all the time, even when we're alone?" There was a note of frustration in her voice, but underneath that she just sounded hurt.
I took a breath, then relaxed. "It's... easier being with you as Kalinda. More relaxing. I thought... I thought that you liked Kalinda."
"I do!" Alicia grimaced. "It's just... I feel like you're shutting me out when you're like that, now that I know about this other side of you."
I offered her a wan smile. "If it helps, sometimes it feels like I most myself when I'm with you like that." Even though I really shouldn't, and I was a bad person for feeling that way.
"Really?" Alicia asked, a note of hopefulness in her voice.
"Really," I said.
You have no idea of the effect you have on me, I couldn't help thinking.
And then it was time to go. For a moment, Alicia looked like she was contemplating hugging me, but thankfully didn't.
"Shall we do this again some time?" she asked, and rolled her eyes a little. "After all, who's going to look after me if you don't?"
"Sure," I said, and offered her a bright, sincere smile straight from the part of me that was Leela.
XxxxxxX
After that, things were better between us.
There were the group meetups in which we tended not to interact that much, and though she didn't actively avoid me, she didn't *look* at me either. It still hurt, a little, seeing her with Will, but it salved some part of me, just seeing her.
And then there were the dinners, just the two of us. Things, if anything, were even more relaxed than before. Most of the time, I was Kalinda, snarky and good at listening about the woes and stresses of Alicia's life. But occasionally I could be Leela, and tell her about my course and my hopes.
It worked. It shouldn't have. It should have felt like it was tearing me apart, but it didn't.
It actually helped, and that was the most bizarre things about it.
And if, at the dinners, she occasionally *looked*... I didn't say anything, didn't disturb the peace.
Nothing was going to happen.
Nothing could.
She was with Will, and that had to be making her happy.
I couldn't let myself even think about anything else.
Even, as the weeks went on, when Will started looking less and less happy just to be with Alicia, as though there was something wrong.
So it shouldn't have been a surprise when Will met up with me to tell me that he was breaking up with Alicia.
But it really was.
XxxxxxX
"I've been the other man in enough of her relationships to know the signs," he told me, looking morosely into his drink.
"Oh?" I asked, not wanting to think about what this might mean.
"Yeah. She likes someone else. And I'm not going to play the part of the boyfriend. It always sucks."
"Will..." I said, not knowing else to say.
"I kept hoping but..." he shrugged. "Maybe it was never meant to be. Maybe the fantasy was all that was ever between us." He took a gulp of his drink, as if trying to wash the taste of his words out of his mouth.
I didn't want to believe that. I couldn't.
"Maybe you're wrong about this."
"She couldn't look me in the eyes when I confronted her about it last night. Kalinda, I'm not going to be able to be there for her about this. I'm not that much of a martyr. I know that you looked after her after Dan. Do you think..?"
I looked down at my drink. Had I been the problem here? I couldn't quite let myself believe it, but I felt the guilt anyway.
Alicia should have been happy with Will. That was the way it should have been.
Anything else was dangerous. Especially this.
But. This was Will. And this was Alicia.
There was only one answer.
"Sure," I told him.
XxxxxxX
And I was. There for her, that was.
Chastely.
As a friend.
I held her as she cried, reassured her when she doubted that she'd ever be able to hold down a relationship.
It burned like fire, it froze like ice, but I did it all with a smile on my face.
And, though it seemed like forever, over the days she got better.
Soon, we re-established our usual meals together.
Though maybe a little more frequently.
Though maybe our kitchen dance got a little more intimate as she seemed to lose her inhibitions about getting too close to me.
And she started looking. Even I couldn't deny how she was looking.
Though I did try my best.
It meant nothing, I had to tell myself after every meal we spent together.
She meant nothing by it.
I couldn't allow myself to think any differently. I couldn't stand the thought of losing our time together again.
So it came as a complete surprise when she kissed me.
XxxxxxX
Long, dizzying, deep. I felt like I was falling and had to cling onto her to keep standing.
I hadn't felt like this since...
Then my instincts kicked in before I could even smell the scent of smoke and I was kissing her back.
Finally we parted for breath and reality kicked in. I felt my eyes widen and I couldn't speak, couldn't move.
"You have *no* idea how long I've wanted to do that," she said in a low voice, breathing heavily.
You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that to you, I thought but couldn't say.
She finally seemed to notice my silence. "Are you alright?" she asked, then added a little nervously, "Are *we* alright?"
Her incipient panic broke me out of my internal deadlock. "Sure. We're good." I snorted. "More than good. Just... a big change in how I've been trying to think of you."
She laughed a little, seemingly in relief as much as anything else, and ran a hand through her hair. "Trust me, it's not a change in how I've been thinking of you. No matter how much I've tried to deny it to myself."
"So you're not planning on running away again for two weeks to find the first guy who'll have you?"
She winced. "I don't know. Are you planning on cutting contact with me for a week or two yourself?"
I laughed. "Not this time, I guess."
I was already in far too deep for that.
"So..." she said.
"So?"
"Are you planning on asking me out?"
"Why do I have to be the one to do that?"
"Because I'm the one who gets asked out."
I shrugged. "I'm not really the asking out kind." Her gaze sharpened. "But, sure. Would you do me the honour of going out with me? I might not be able to take you somewhere fancy, but I'm told I cook a mean stir fry."
She leant in and kissed me again, just as heartstoppingly as the first time. "I'd love to go out with you," she murmured against my lips. "Even if that was the most inelegant way to ask me out that I've heard since high school."
"Did say that I wasn't the asking out kind," I said, then kissed her back. "But... exceptions can be good."
"I'm glad to hear it," she said. "Now, about that meal..."
I gave her a half grin and a final kiss, before starting work chopping up the vegetables.
The rest of the night wasn't nearly as surprising, but was just as pleasant.
XxxxxxX
The next few weeks were spent defining our new relationship.
It never quite stopped feeling wrong, but also always just felt right at the same time.
I buried the confusion five fathoms deep, and refused to let it show. It wasn't fair to Alicia.
Sex happened almost incidentally one evening after teasing Alicia with how I ate spaghetti turned to making out turned into something more.
Afterwards, though, almost turned into our first fight.
XxxxxxX
"Aren't you staying the night?" Alicia looked at me with sex-tousled hair as I started pulling on clothes.
I gave her a slight smile. "I've got to get an early start."
"'Salright. I don't mind setting the alarm early."
I clutched my arms to myself a little. "I have some work back at my room I have to do before bed."
She propped herself up with one arm, and looked at me with narrowed eyes. "You're evading. What aren't you telling me?" A touch of hurt entered her expression. "I thought that you trusted me."
I bit my lip, hard, and closed my eyes, before opening them again. "We've just ha... made love for the first time. I can't talk about this now." Especially now. The first time sex has meant something to me since... "Can we just leave it for tonight?" To my shame, a note of pleading had entered my voice.
Alicia looked at me for a moment more, before coming over and hugging me. "You're shaking," she said.
I couldn't think about it right now. Couldn't think about the clouds of smoke, or the flickering flames, so I just concentrated on Alicia's arms instead, on her hand that was stroking my head gently, on her voice that was telling me that I didn't have to say or do anything if I didn't want to.
And before I knew it, I was actually asleep, despite that being the last thing I wanted.
XxxxxxX
It was their last night together. Tomorrow, Leela was going to fly to Georgetown and start her new life there. Vidhya was going to stay here with (what she claimed) was her far more practical business.
They'd gotten drunk on the outskirts of town, in an abandoned house that they'd been using for most of the year as a place to hang out, to make out and to have sex in.
Vidhya had gotten in one of her moods, and started ranting about how none of this was going to be the same, that she wasn't going to be the same, and that she might as well *burn everything down*.
The next thing Leela knew, she was choking on smoke, because Vidhya had *done* it, and she couldn't *see*. She barely made it out and, by the time she had recovered enough to stand, the place was ablaze and Vidhya wasn't coming out.
Vidhya didn't ever make it out.
Leela missed her flight, but managed to make it to D.C. a few days later, even more determined to succeed and save some children.
To make it all worthwhile.
XxxxxxX
I woke abruptly.
For a moment, I couldn't move, couldn't breathe, and I struggled for freedom before realising where I was.
Alicia's room.
"Are you... are you alright?" was the first thing I said.
"Are you?" Alicia asked, looking pale. "You were choking, gasping."
I closed my eyes and shuddered, before telling her the end of fairy tale, the part I had never told anyone else except myself.
How Vidhya had died.
"Oh, Kalinda," Alicia murmured, approaching me slowly, gently, as if I was a wild beast that might spook. She slowly placed her arms around me. "Is this alright?" she asked.
It was nice.
It was far better than I deserved.
But I couldn't help relaxing into it. Even if accepting it damned me still further.
"It wasn't your fault," she told me,
and
"Vidhya made her own decisions."
and
"There was nothing you could have done."
We stayed like that through the night, until she'd fallen asleep against me, and the dream started playing itself again, despite my best efforts.
XxxxxxX
The smoke was too thick and choking and I couldn't see the door, couldn't see anything apart from the floor beneath me as another coughing fit took me.
I was going to die here, and it was all my own fault.
Suddenly I was being lifted up by one arm.
She'd come back for me.
We stumbled off in some direction, guided by her, and the door appeared through the smoke.
A few more steps, and we were outside, laying on the grass, letting fresh air back into our lungs.
Slowly our coughing subsided.
Only... Only hers *wasn't* subsiding.
If anything, it was getting worse.
I rolled over to look at her.
Her coughing had become wheezing, and her hands were clawing at her throat as she struggled, futilely, helplessly, to breathe.
"Leela," I rasped. "Please, no. Leela."
I crawled over to where she was, tried anything, everything, but none of it *worked*.
In the end, all I managed to do was hold her while she died.
XxxxxxX
But Leela shouldn't have died. She would never have been in that house if it wasn't for me.
She was the one with the future, the one with the plan about how to make things better.
Me? Vidhya? I was just a leftover. Worthless.
I should have died.
So I decided to do the only thing I could for her.
The university was expecting a brown girl from our state, and they'd get one. It wasn't as though anyone there would know any different.
I'd carry on her dream.
I'd complete her course, even if I was nowhere near as smart as she was, even if I was only barely passing the exams.
I'd help the children in the system, because she believed it could be done even if I never did.
I'd look after her brother, even if he could never see *her* again, even if he hated me.
I'd destroy myself, and try and remake her out of my inferior parts.
And now I was here, in Alicia's arms, and I still wasn't good enough.
I shouldn't be here. Will, or someone else real, should. Someone who could make her happy.
But until then, I'd do the best I could, even if she thought my name was Leela or Kalinda.
Because Vidhya was dead and buried and *gone*.
XxxxxxX
Alicia always did like proving me wrong.
Author's Note:
Well, I hope people like this story. It's a little more angsty than people might have been imagining (and I'm kind of sorry for that) but, once I started writing, it's where the characters led me.
I did manage to write 12K words in one week, which is actually quite incredible for me, so there's that at least.
By the way, this does contain my pet theory - that Kalinda's real name is not Leela. The main reason being that she didn't freak out about Blake learning about Leela. (Because, given how they were playing, one of the first things I'd have done if I were him would have been to contact an ex-husband to try and find out some dirt, and I can't believe that she wouldn't think that way.)
But I guess we'll see.
Anyway, hope you enjoyed the ride and my writing didn't suck too badly.