Title: Sleeping with ghosts
Pairing: None
Rating: PG15
Beta:
di_glossia(thank you!)
Genre: Drama, Hurt/Comfort
Warnings: Death
Disclamer: Tokio Hotel aren't mine.
Summary:
"Tom. Where is Tom?!"
His mother looked at him, perplexed and worried.
"Sweetheart, who is Tom?"
Sleeping with ghosts
CHAPTER 2
-Fallen-
****
Running faster.
Moving and not stopping.
Moving.
The light.
“BILL!!”
****
He opened his eyes. In his head, there was still the echo of that voice.
Tom.
He still felt him. He still felt him close by. He could still feel the trill of his laugh and the fear in his voice.
But it was only a dream. Tom wasn’t there.
He tried to mentally reconstruct what had happened, but he was so confused. His head hurt.
And he still felt tired, as though he hadn’t slept enough in a long time, too long.
He closed his eyes and he breathed in weakly.
He had dreamt about him. He was sure he had dreamt about Tom. He didn't remember everything. Instead, in his clouded mind, there were only distorted flashes of light. But the nagging feeling that he had dreamt of him wouldn’t leave his mind.
And Tom was there.
He was sure of it.
Somewhere, in this fucking place, in this fucking world, Tom was alive.
And soon he would return. And he would be with him. And they would hug each other again. Because he missed him so much, so much, that he felt like he was dying. He felt lonely and in a cage… and everyone thought he was crazy.
But he wasn’t crazy.
He wasn’t.
It was in the outside world that there was something wrong.
He only had to find out what.
****
Walking side by side. And feeling good.
Walking, looking in front of them. And feeling bad.
But being side by side. And being strong. Together.
Being stronger than the others.
Together.
Not lowering their heads, not stepping backwards, not running away.
Being strong. But only when they were together, only when they were side by side.
Welcoming him. But being afraid.
Lonely.
We will never prove it.
Being alone. And being afraid. Because this place is huge. This place is full of… shame. And humiliation. And the desire to escape.
But he is strong.
But alone.
It’s not true.
He knows that it’s not true. And he’s even more afraid than before.
He doesn't want to be there.
He doesn't want to take a seat.
He doesn't want to open that book.
He doesn't want to study.
He only wants to leave. And to scream out his anger.
And he wants to cry where no one can see him.
But he can’t.
There are things that simply cannot be done.
And so he’s there.
He sits.
He opens the book.
And he begins to study.
And he hates it all. Hate for the school grows inside of him. And he feels lonelier. More and more abandoned.
*
The most beautiful moment of the whole day. The lunch break.
Because he can leave this place.
He can go away from everybody.
He can see Tom again.
And so he walks quickly in the corridor.
He walks and he doesn't feel. He doesn't listen. He doesn't want to listen to the voices that try to catch him. That try to snatch him up. That try to grab him. That try to drag him down to the floor where he cannot get up again.
He doesn't listen.
He doesn't listen to the cruel words of onlookers. He doesn't listen to those voices. Because they don't make sense. They don't mean anything to him.
They aren’t important.
They are empty words, without meaning.
But sometimes they hurt.
Too often.
So he doesn't think about them. He doesn't want to think about them.
He keeps on walking. The hallway will end. And there Tom will be, in the cafeteria, waiting for him.
The hallway will end. And so too will the voices. And everybody will disappear.
When he’s walking, he doesn't look. He doesn't see.
A push.
He feels that it hurts. He’s on the floor. And he fixes his gaze on one of those faces without name. One of those faces that hurt him.
A laugh. Not his. Not Tom’s laugh. A painful laugh.
"Oh, sorry, Billy-fag, I didn’t see you!"
A bad voice. A voice that wants to hurt him. That wants to push him to the floor. A voice that wants only to cause him more pain.
But he doesn't want to hurt, to be weak.
He wants to be strong. He wants to rise again. He wants to look him in the eyes. And tell him to fuck off.
He wants to scream out his anger.
But his voice seems to have disappeared.
His legs seem unable to support him.
And then he only wants to cry.
That’s all he wants.
****
A single tear crossed his cheek. His mother’s eyes watched him.
Tom…
He turned his head and his mother had the feeling that, even in his sleep, her child was looking for someone.
Someone who couldn’t be found.
But he kept looking.
But he wasn’t there.
He wasn’t there.
****
"What the fuck are you doing?!”
"Tom?"
The feeling of not being alone, not anymore.
It is Tom’s voice. He is there. And Tom is strong. Tom will send them away. Because nobody can tell him what to do.
He is stronger than everybody else.
"Oh, look, Kaulitz has come to help his little sister!”
Jeering laughter.
It hurts.
They laugh at Tom. And he doesn't like it. They don't have the right to make fun of him. Nobody has the right to tease his brother.
Nobody.
He tries to get up from the floor. He tries to be strong. Because he doesn't want his brother’s pain to be his fault. And he doesn’t want anyone to hurt him.
He has to be strong.
Stronger so that he will succeed in being strong, stronger so that his brother won't have to worry about him.
His eyes meet Tom’s. His brother smiles at him.
He’s the best brother in the world.
And now he’s here with him.
They are together.
His brother’s hand grabs his wrist. And he holds. Because he wants to be strong but it’s difficult to be alone. It’s difficult not to feel. Not to see.
It’s difficult to keep on walking.
"Oh, go away, your cruel jokes are stupid!"
"What are you going to do, Kaulitz? You can protect that fag, your brother, but don’t even think you can win against me!”
He feels Tom stiffen. The hold on his wrist is tighter.
He’s angry.
And he knows it. He always knows how his brother feels. He perceives it so clearly as if he can read Tom’s mind.
"Leave us alone."
*
Running quickly down the hallway. Smiling with his hand holding onto his wrist. Because he’s still protecting him.
And he wants to be strong but he can’t be .
He still needs Tom.
He still needs his brother.
"Bill, promise me that one day you’ll fight them like you do with me when you’re angry.”
He smiles.
"I promise."
Tom slows down. The anger is gone from his eyes. There is only determination now.
"Don’t forget!"
*
"When they call you crazy, when they insult you because they can’t understand you… don’t believe them, don’t fret over their words, because they are crazier than you."
****