Fic : Sex Ed
Word count : 1610
Pairing : Bones/Chekov
Rating : PG13
Summary : For the st_xi_kink meme prompt "McCoy teaches Chekov something. Something sexual."
Slam. Drag. Slam. Kick.
Bones thought that if he made as much noise as possible that maybe Nurse Chapel would come in and ask him what was wrong. Then he could explain to her that Dr Hollie Sheppard was currently on sick leave and that some moron had decided that her sexual health clinic should be covered by the CMO. Then Christine would cluck her tongue and go and do that thing she did where she got someone to fill in when he was being intolerable. It was a great plan with only one minor flaw...
"Goodnight Doctor!" Christine called to him as she headed for her quarters.
The minor flaw was that Christine found it terribly amusing that he should be in this predicament, and was probably sending a gaggle of idiotic nursing students to him for fake sex advice at this very moment. He huffed, rifling through Dr Sheppard's draws to see what he might be in for. God, this woman had everything. Plastic genitalia, flavoured lubricant, pregnancy tests, and enough condoms to keep bring the galaxy's population to a shuddering halt.
There was a soft knock at the door and Bones snapped the drawer shut. "Come in."
A young ensign with curly red hair poked her head around the door. "Dr McCoy? Sorry Sir, I was looking for Dr Hollie..."
"She's sick, I'm covering her clinic."
The ensign hovered uncertainly, much to Bones' annoyance.
"Well come in girl, I haven't got all day." He folded his arms and sat back in the chair. God these people were annoying.
"Erm, actually Sir, I think I'll wait until Dr Hollie gets back. Thank you anyway!" She was gone before Bones could protest, closing the door behind her.
She wasn't the last. A lieutenant from engineering got about half a sentence out before denying there was anything wrong and scurrying off down the corridor. A couple of kids who worked in the mess hall took one look at him and ran. In fact, if it weren't for the captain and his frequently unfunny visits Bones would have had nothing to do.
Kirk perched on the desk, playing with an anotomical model of a uterus like it was a stress toy. "So the thing is doc, I have ball rot and I need some drugs for it, or a cream or something." Jim grinned, intensely please with himself.
"One more visit from you today Jim and I'll make you the poster boy for Dr Sheppard's chlamydia testing programme. This isn't funny."
Kirk laughed as he vacated the office, tossing the uterus to McCoy. "See you later Dr Love."
Bones rubbed his face in his hands. This was going to be a long shift.
...
One more hour to go, Bones thought as he stared at the door, trying to psychically repel any would-be patients. He grimaced as a shadow moved across the frosted glass door and the handle turned.
"Dr Hollie? Oh! Doctor McCoy,I apologise, I thought..."
"You thought what Ensign, that 'Dr Hollie' was the only qualified medic on this ship? Get in here."
Chekov gingerly stepped inside, his cheeks beginning to colour. "No, Sir. I just...thought that it would be Dr Hollie and I am surprised to see you here. Maybe it is not the right time, I could come back when Dr Hollie has returned."
"Now just wait a minute Chekov, I am perfectly qualified to deal with whatever problem it is you have, so sit." Bones tugged his tunic down and laid his hands flat on the desk. "What can I do for you?"
Chekov squirmed, looking anywhere but at McCoy. "Well Sir, Dr Hollie was going to give me a demonstration. She does these demonstrations often, but they are by appointment only."
"What kind of demonstration?" Bones asked, not entirely sure if he wanted the answer.
"It was er...a condom demonstration,Sir." Chekov bowed his head as if it was the worst thing he had ever uttered and that sliver of doctor/patient care that McCoy still had after today's debacle told him that the boy needed re-assurance.
"Well that's...commendable, Chekov. Pavel." Bones leaned down to open the desk drawer and roll his eyes out of sight of the kid. Trying not to sigh he pulled out a plastic condom demonstrator and a few condoms. God, it had been a while. He sat the plastic penis on the desk and cleared his throat. "Now I have to ask you son, are you sure you're emotionally ready to get into a sexual relationship?"
"Oh yes Doctor, I have considered this long and hard and I believe I am ready." Chekov nodded, his blue eyes wide.
"Well alright then," he tossed a condom over the desk to Chekov. "The first thing we need to do is make sure this condom is safe to use, now you check the date and squish it in your fingers a little to make sure there's some air in there and there are no holes." He smirked at Chekov's furrowed brow as the boy concentrated.
"Is good Sir, and the date is not for a long time."
"Alright then, next thing is to open it up, now do it with your fingers, not your teeth. I don't know what you've seen in movies but you can rip it if you do that. Now pull it out and we're gonna make sure it's not inside out. Don't unroll it."
Chekov pulled out the condom carefully and held it like it might explode.
"Alright son, now just blow in the end there." He puffed some air into the tip of the condom and watched as it ballooned out. "Okay, now we're gonna take this tip in our fingers and get the air out of it. Very important we don't create a vacuum, you understand?"
Chekov nodded vigorously, holding the end of the condom. His eyes widened as McCoy pushed the plastic penis in front of him.
"Now put it on the top and roll it down." Bones hoped he got it right the first time because he sure didn't want this to last longer than it had to.
Rolling the condom down slowly, finally grinning and looking to the doctor for approval.
"Well done ensign, congratulations, you're now officially ready to start having safe sex. Any questions?" Please say no, please say no.
"Yes doctor, I have many questions."
Dammit.
For the next forty minutes Chekov asked every question Bones had ever heard on sex, plus a few more. He gesticulated wildly as he went, punctuating each query with a cock of the head and the same wide-eyed demeanour. Eventually it seemed like he had exhausted every sex-related question in the universe and Bones rubbed at his eyes, checking the clock. "Any more questions ensign? I think you know more about sex than I do."
Chekov grinned. "One more question, doctor. Where is the prostate gland and is it true that when stimulated it is highly pleasurable?"
"Well, it's kind of in, and up and yes it is. Anything else?" Bones looked at the clock again, which was stubbornly refusing to move forward.
"In and up Sir? Where? Can you show me?"
"God damn, son...." He rummaged in Dr Hollie's desk drawer of delights but turned up nothing. "I don't have a model to show you on ensign, you'll just have to take my word for it."
The look of disappointment on Chekov's face told him that this wasn't going to cut it. "Perhaps Sir....Perhaps we do not need a model. Can you not show me on my body?"
Bones shook his head in disbelief. "No! I cannot do that ensign, it's damn well improper! You'll just have to ask your...sexual partner to give it a go"
"Please Sir! What is improper about a prostate exam between doctor and patient?" Chekov raised his eyebrows hopefully.
Feeling that this could turn out to be the longest day of his life, Bones sighed, standing and moving the screen across the examination bed. "Alright, but you tell anyone what we really did in here and I swear I'll have you scrubbing toilets for the rest of your days."
Chekov jumped up gleefully, undoing his pants while Bones snapped on some gloves. "I bend over Sir?"
"Yes, and don't talk." Bones looked away as the boy pulled down his pants revealing a toned, milky backside. "Shuffle your legs apart a bit more, that's right." Bones lubed up his middle finger and noted the little shiver as he made his first touch on Chekov's opening. "Alright now, I'm going to insert my finger, and it might feel a little uncomfortable at first." He pushed in, and Chekov whimpered a little at the invasion. "It's okay, now let's find that prostate." Bones moved his finger deeper and a little to the right, and suddenly Chekov was making noises he had never heard outside a porno or the barnyard. "There we go! That's your prostate. Now please never speak to me ever again." Bones pulled out his finger and dropped the glove in the trash, going to wash his hands. When he turned round Chekov was still there, bouncing on his heels, hands clenched in fists by his side. "What is it?" Bones barked at him.
Chekov smiled shyly and advanced on him until Bones found himself up against the stainless steel counter gripping it tightly. Chekov stood on tiptoe and leaned in, holding Bones gently while he kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you doctor, you are a good man."
Bones watched him go before taking a deep breath. "You wouldn't say that if you could read my mind, son."
Pairing : Bones/Chekov
Rating : PG13
Summary : For the st_xi_kink meme prompt "McCoy teaches Chekov something. Something sexual."
Slam. Drag. Slam. Kick.
Bones thought that if he made as much noise as possible that maybe Nurse Chapel would come in and ask him what was wrong. Then he could explain to her that Dr Hollie Sheppard was currently on sick leave and that some moron had decided that her sexual health clinic should be covered by the CMO. Then Christine would cluck her tongue and go and do that thing she did where she got someone to fill in when he was being intolerable. It was a great plan with only one minor flaw...
"Goodnight Doctor!" Christine called to him as she headed for her quarters.
The minor flaw was that Christine found it terribly amusing that he should be in this predicament, and was probably sending a gaggle of idiotic nursing students to him for fake sex advice at this very moment. He huffed, rifling through Dr Sheppard's draws to see what he might be in for. God, this woman had everything. Plastic genitalia, flavoured lubricant, pregnancy tests, and enough condoms to keep bring the galaxy's population to a shuddering halt.
There was a soft knock at the door and Bones snapped the drawer shut. "Come in."
A young ensign with curly red hair poked her head around the door. "Dr McCoy? Sorry Sir, I was looking for Dr Hollie..."
"She's sick, I'm covering her clinic."
The ensign hovered uncertainly, much to Bones' annoyance.
"Well come in girl, I haven't got all day." He folded his arms and sat back in the chair. God these people were annoying.
"Erm, actually Sir, I think I'll wait until Dr Hollie gets back. Thank you anyway!" She was gone before Bones could protest, closing the door behind her.
She wasn't the last. A lieutenant from engineering got about half a sentence out before denying there was anything wrong and scurrying off down the corridor. A couple of kids who worked in the mess hall took one look at him and ran. In fact, if it weren't for the captain and his frequently unfunny visits Bones would have had nothing to do.
Kirk perched on the desk, playing with an anotomical model of a uterus like it was a stress toy. "So the thing is doc, I have ball rot and I need some drugs for it, or a cream or something." Jim grinned, intensely please with himself.
"One more visit from you today Jim and I'll make you the poster boy for Dr Sheppard's chlamydia testing programme. This isn't funny."
Kirk laughed as he vacated the office, tossing the uterus to McCoy. "See you later Dr Love."
Bones rubbed his face in his hands. This was going to be a long shift.
...
One more hour to go, Bones thought as he stared at the door, trying to psychically repel any would-be patients. He grimaced as a shadow moved across the frosted glass door and the handle turned.
"Dr Hollie? Oh! Doctor McCoy,I apologise, I thought..."
"You thought what Ensign, that 'Dr Hollie' was the only qualified medic on this ship? Get in here."
Chekov gingerly stepped inside, his cheeks beginning to colour. "No, Sir. I just...thought that it would be Dr Hollie and I am surprised to see you here. Maybe it is not the right time, I could come back when Dr Hollie has returned."
"Now just wait a minute Chekov, I am perfectly qualified to deal with whatever problem it is you have, so sit." Bones tugged his tunic down and laid his hands flat on the desk. "What can I do for you?"
Chekov squirmed, looking anywhere but at McCoy. "Well Sir, Dr Hollie was going to give me a demonstration. She does these demonstrations often, but they are by appointment only."
"What kind of demonstration?" Bones asked, not entirely sure if he wanted the answer.
"It was er...a condom demonstration,Sir." Chekov bowed his head as if it was the worst thing he had ever uttered and that sliver of doctor/patient care that McCoy still had after today's debacle told him that the boy needed re-assurance.
"Well that's...commendable, Chekov. Pavel." Bones leaned down to open the desk drawer and roll his eyes out of sight of the kid. Trying not to sigh he pulled out a plastic condom demonstrator and a few condoms. God, it had been a while. He sat the plastic penis on the desk and cleared his throat. "Now I have to ask you son, are you sure you're emotionally ready to get into a sexual relationship?"
"Oh yes Doctor, I have considered this long and hard and I believe I am ready." Chekov nodded, his blue eyes wide.
"Well alright then," he tossed a condom over the desk to Chekov. "The first thing we need to do is make sure this condom is safe to use, now you check the date and squish it in your fingers a little to make sure there's some air in there and there are no holes." He smirked at Chekov's furrowed brow as the boy concentrated.
"Is good Sir, and the date is not for a long time."
"Alright then, next thing is to open it up, now do it with your fingers, not your teeth. I don't know what you've seen in movies but you can rip it if you do that. Now pull it out and we're gonna make sure it's not inside out. Don't unroll it."
Chekov pulled out the condom carefully and held it like it might explode.
"Alright son, now just blow in the end there." He puffed some air into the tip of the condom and watched as it ballooned out. "Okay, now we're gonna take this tip in our fingers and get the air out of it. Very important we don't create a vacuum, you understand?"
Chekov nodded vigorously, holding the end of the condom. His eyes widened as McCoy pushed the plastic penis in front of him.
"Now put it on the top and roll it down." Bones hoped he got it right the first time because he sure didn't want this to last longer than it had to.
Rolling the condom down slowly, finally grinning and looking to the doctor for approval.
"Well done ensign, congratulations, you're now officially ready to start having safe sex. Any questions?" Please say no, please say no.
"Yes doctor, I have many questions."
Dammit.
For the next forty minutes Chekov asked every question Bones had ever heard on sex, plus a few more. He gesticulated wildly as he went, punctuating each query with a cock of the head and the same wide-eyed demeanour. Eventually it seemed like he had exhausted every sex-related question in the universe and Bones rubbed at his eyes, checking the clock. "Any more questions ensign? I think you know more about sex than I do."
Chekov grinned. "One more question, doctor. Where is the prostate gland and is it true that when stimulated it is highly pleasurable?"
"Well, it's kind of in, and up and yes it is. Anything else?" Bones looked at the clock again, which was stubbornly refusing to move forward.
"In and up Sir? Where? Can you show me?"
"God damn, son...." He rummaged in Dr Hollie's desk drawer of delights but turned up nothing. "I don't have a model to show you on ensign, you'll just have to take my word for it."
The look of disappointment on Chekov's face told him that this wasn't going to cut it. "Perhaps Sir....Perhaps we do not need a model. Can you not show me on my body?"
Bones shook his head in disbelief. "No! I cannot do that ensign, it's damn well improper! You'll just have to ask your...sexual partner to give it a go"
"Please Sir! What is improper about a prostate exam between doctor and patient?" Chekov raised his eyebrows hopefully.
Feeling that this could turn out to be the longest day of his life, Bones sighed, standing and moving the screen across the examination bed. "Alright, but you tell anyone what we really did in here and I swear I'll have you scrubbing toilets for the rest of your days."
Chekov jumped up gleefully, undoing his pants while Bones snapped on some gloves. "I bend over Sir?"
"Yes, and don't talk." Bones looked away as the boy pulled down his pants revealing a toned, milky backside. "Shuffle your legs apart a bit more, that's right." Bones lubed up his middle finger and noted the little shiver as he made his first touch on Chekov's opening. "Alright now, I'm going to insert my finger, and it might feel a little uncomfortable at first." He pushed in, and Chekov whimpered a little at the invasion. "It's okay, now let's find that prostate." Bones moved his finger deeper and a little to the right, and suddenly Chekov was making noises he had never heard outside a porno or the barnyard. "There we go! That's your prostate. Now please never speak to me ever again." Bones pulled out his finger and dropped the glove in the trash, going to wash his hands. When he turned round Chekov was still there, bouncing on his heels, hands clenched in fists by his side. "What is it?" Bones barked at him.
Chekov smiled shyly and advanced on him until Bones found himself up against the stainless steel counter gripping it tightly. Chekov stood on tiptoe and leaned in, holding Bones gently while he kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you doctor, you are a good man."
Bones watched him go before taking a deep breath. "You wouldn't say that if you could read my mind, son."