Internal Monologue
If I have to litsen to one more person that's in a relationship complain to me about how 'bad' and 'terrible' and 'horrible' it is to be in a relationsip, I'm gonna fucking snap.
Seirously.
And you.
Goddamn it.
I don't even know how it's possible for someone to love and hate another person so very much all at once.
You've won.
You're my best friend. You're 1/3 of me, of us. Our trio.
And you've fucking won.
You've gotten him. He's loved you from the start.
He used me and cast me aside. Told me what we had could never mean anything and I, like the idiot I try to not be, gave it no mind.
I thought it might one day change.
That maybe...maybe regardless of how it started, some day he might just find some place in his heart that'd become fond of me.
What a fool I was.
But it's just a lesson learned.
I've moved on.
I've let go.
But the wounds still hurt.
And maybe you don't know it or can't see it but those wounds are still newly scarred over.
No one takes much notice of the pain of others.
I know that.
I would never blame another person for not noticing me, what I'm feeling.
I'm not all that talkative, I'm reclusive, people don't even notice when I walk out of a room right in front of them, I know that.
It's just human nature to not notice. To make mistakes and assumptions and all the other crap.
You can't blame someone for being fallible.
But...God.
Can you...at least try to see?
Please?
I need you to see.
This still hurts.
And don't ask me what I'd think of you if you loved someone other than the asshole you're with.
I could never not love you.
You're...an incredible person.
Impossible not to love in one way or another.
But please...try to see...
He used me. He loves you. You love him. He hurt me, unintentionally, and in no way that ever needs to be apologized for or anything like that but...
Just run off into the sunset together, will you?
Don't stay sitting in front of me and looking at each other.
Touching each other.
Please...just don't.
I can't...
And God, don't give me hopes for a threesome.
I don't know if three people can live happily ever after. Not anymore.
I used to believe that it was possible.
That I, we, could make it possible.
I used to.
And honestly, I can't live happily ever after with him and you.
I'll be your friend. Forever and ever until the day the last breath leaves my throat.
Until these eyes close on the light of the world forever.
I'll be a friend to the both of you, but don't make me watch this.
Don't make me watch you falling in love with each other.
It's not that it's you.
I'm just rather jaded and hateful to the notion of love right now.
Please don't ever think that it's you.
But don't make me watch while you get what I could never have.
I can take it.
I can bear it.
But it will hurt me more than you'll ever know or see.
It'll hurt me in ways that you can't imagine.
I can't love him anymore.
I can't love you because you love him and because you always said you were only straight.
Please...don't make me watch.
Let me fade into the darkness, into obscurity.
Let me not exist in your world.
I can't tell you these things though.
I could never, for fear that it might hurt you.
Him, I can set behind me, can let go of.
I've had to learn to. And he set me behind him none too difficultly as well.
But please don't hurt me like this.
Because when people hurt me like this, I bear it.
I bear it with a smile and not even a flinch, because I love everyone entirely too much.
I can't help it.
But eventually, I'll come to hate you for it.
I'm like a dog that keeps getting kicked each time it's drunken master waddles past.
Eventually, I learn to dodge.
Or I become hateful enough and use my teeth.
I don't ever want to hate you.
And if I have to leave here to make it so that that never happens, if I have to go away and never see you for a long time, even then rarely, then that's what I will do.
If that's what it takes.
I'll remove myself from here.
Am I coward?
Yes.
I know I am.
But this is how I choose to deal with my pain.
I'll run away because this place, the people here, have hurt me one too many times.
This place has begun to hurt my soul every time I step outside.
But I grit my teeth and put on what semblance of a smile I can manage because I don't need another to know about my pain
I don't need any one truly close to me how much I suffer.
I don't need it.
The internet gives me enough obscurity to just say my thoughts and not give a damn about what effect it might have on another person because there that person is just a faceless as I am.
I'm going to run away.
Run away to some place where I can start over.
A new creature.
No one there that knows my name.
No one there that knows my status, my family, where I'm from.
No one that knows what sort of person I am...which in actuality won't be all that different from my situation here.
But neither of you will be there.
There'll be no chance of me running into you there.
I need that.
I need that escape.
I need that chance to make me into someone else.
To go somewhere where maybe I can find love myself.
And maybe love is waiting for me here.
That love, I don't want.
I don't want a love here.
I honestly don't.
Because then I'll just become stuck here all the more.
I've always only been myself.
Quiet and always in the background.
I don't want to be outgoing or overly-energetic.
I don't want that.
I just don't want to be here.
FOR WHATEVER REASON I CAN FIND TO JUSTIFY MY LEAVING OF THIS PLACE,
THE SIMPLE FACT OF THE MATTER IS THAT I. DON'T. WANT. TO. BE. HERE. ANYMORE.