independence day, the rant >:D
Things are...looking up. :'D
A new resolve. A new person. New realization. New plans. New goals.
Its all so new.
Somewhat overwhelming.
But my mantra is always there. Always allowing me to stay calm.
People try to say that they want to do things now, getting married, having children, going off to college, setting up their lives, all that.
But...I don't want to be one of them.
I don't want to be one of those people that, at age 45-50, realize that they have regrets. Dreams that they wished they had chased, and then their midlife crisis hits them, you know, the realization of what being mortal -truly- means.
That, by then, you time has drawn up short.
I...I refuse to be one of those people.
If I'm gonna live this life, I'm gonna do it right. My own way. With no regrets.
If I'm walking along a railroad track and I decided to go swimming, then I'm going fucking swimming. I'll have to walk home with wet clothes and shit but at least I won't have wondered what could have been. :'D
Truly, all we ever have is time.
I mean, you can go through life thinking, no, believing firmly in the idea that you never know if you're gonna be alive tomorrow, so live for today.
But if you live everyday for today, you're gonna burn yourself out.
I don't really know how to describe what it is I'm doing.
I'm sort of...stuck somewhere between.
I'm alive, I'm here, thinking, breathing, being, doing the things I enjoy, but I feel like I'm not taking part in the world. Like I've stepped back from everything again.
Almost to the point that I had when I was younger.
That...person. Whoever that was. That curious, anti-social, quiet, little kid.
But...I'm looking at the sky every day and marveling at how blue it is. How the clouds make that really interesting shape. How the sunlight is streaming down through the clouds sometimes and reflecting off the water like broken glass.
It's beautiful.
I'm in love with life again.
And yet I've stepped back, distanced myself from it.
Those who have known me the longest, you...you probably know the kind of person I was once upon a time.
I was cold. I was nothing. I didn't get involved. I didn't love. I didn't care.
I couldn't bring myself to care then.
But I care now. I'm fantastically alive and I can feel the beat of my own heart in my chest at the oddest times.
But it feels foreign sometimes.
The daily squabbles and spats of life, I've let myself go of them.
The little things, I've never really let them get to me.
But I'm trying to change.
I'm trying to be less so complicated and contemplative and trying to slowly make it easier for me to figure myself out.
I get angry sometimes now. Incredibly angry. I don't allow insolence, idiocy of the worst kind.
And then I find myself laughing an my anger falling away completely because being that angry, being angry even at all, is such an unusual thing for me. And I think that I'm letting the world get to me in times like that so I step back.
"Maybe I need somebody to take my hand for once. Maybe I'm tired of being the one that leads. Can you tell me what to do? Show me the way? Because everything I've done has just led me in this circle."
I've always gone with the flow, to all eyes, always.
Always been just there. Unwilling to lay my hand on the table. Prolonging the game, yanno?
But...I'm kinda tired of playing the game. Let someone else think they have the reigns for a little while. Actually, pushing my chair back from the table all together, "I'm gonna go out to the balcony for some fresh air, sir."
"We're not allowed to save seats."
"Ah...well, that's okay." Don't even look back to see that somebody else has already sidled up filled the place. In places like this, I heard that sometimes they think luck passes from place to place.
Funny how luck is never just luck.
=
"Now that we're here its so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive and I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today
These are my words
That I’ve never said before
I think I’m doing ok
And this is the smile
That I’ve never shown before"
-Staind
Happy Independence Day.
Come to think of it, I did celebrate my liberty today.
I didn't do a damn thing.
Not even really helping to celebrate. XD
True freedom, friends.