Forgive me Father {oneshot}
title: Forgive me Father
rating: PG
words: 2.7k
summary: The thought is amusing; if he could only collect enough virtue points to outweigh the sin points he has collected or, the one where Park Kyung visits a church and I wrote a bunch of introspection.
characters and ships: Park Kyung, mentioned Kyung/Zico/Jaehyo
warnings: homophobia
disclaimer: I did not mean to offend anyone with this fic. I know little of institutionalized religion. The only times I've visited churches were with school and the only things I know about Korean churches, Christianity and services are what google could provide me with. I apologize for any mistakes I've made. Lots of this is based on what I've seen in movies and on television tbh.
The atmosphere in the church is oppressive to him. The sins he has committed are written on his forehead; everybody must be staring and judging him for what he has done. Lain with not just one other man, but two. They know .
Or that is what it feels like to him, as he shuffles into the church, staring at the rows upon rows of seats. They are similar to the church his father preaches in; equally as ugly and uncomfortable too. Kyung sits down, taking off his snapback and coat before he puts his hands on his knees in an attempt not to fidget. The seat he has taken is in the very last row, the furthest away from where the pastor will preach about sins (various of which he has committed) and virtues (various of which he lacks). As a child, his father had told him that he knew all the men occupying religious roles of all churches within South Korea and even though it’s long since been proven that it wasn’t true --a lie, even though lying is a sin-- and to this day the fear that one of the pastors in the confessional booths will tell his father what sins he has committed lingers within his heart because of it.
He nervously drums his fingers on his knee; the elderly woman next to him gives him an annoyed look. Kyung’s smile is tight as he tries to quit it. Respect for your elders, that’s a virtue. He needs to collect more of those. The thought is amusing; if he could only collect enough virtue points to outweigh the sin points he has collected…If only it worked that way. Maybe he should tell a pastor that, to give them a good laugh. If he can bring joy without hurting anyone, would that count as a virtue point?
The pastor appears. He is dressed in a suit rather than the robes Kyung has seen the pope wear on television. He’s very young for a pastor, he notes, and very--No! he screams at himself. He’s here to get rid of his sins. Kyung is pretty sure that thinking that a man of religion is hot will only land him deeper in hell. There must be a circle in hell for homosexuals who think their pastors are good looking. He’s sure of it. Yet he can’t look away or close his eyes; that would be disrespectful. He has to endure this.
Is this a test? Kyung wonders bitterly, glancing up at the ceiling as if God will be there with the answers he wants so desperately. Are you testing me somehow? Is that it? Of course there is no answer. He swallows bitterly, trying to focus on what the pastor says but it is hard today. Instead his eyes drift over the ugly modern building’s interior, wholly unlike the churches in media. Mighty, huge cathedrals that somehow seem more intimate than this place of worship, with their long stained glass windows casting colored shadows upon those who attempt to save their soul. Intimidating in a way these impersonal chairs are not.
Somehow, churches themselves have never been that intimidating to him. And from what he heard from classmates and other people, not to them either. But they didn’t go home with the man preaching about hell and heaven at the end of the day. They didn’t know what it was like to live under an eye that scrutinized their every move. Kyung is aware that his parents only want what’s best for him. They want him to be happy, he knows that, but they want him to be happy in a way that doesn’t make him happy.
And what makes him happy right now are the two men he left slumbering in the bed in order to attempt washing all traces of the night before from his body, afraid that the other churchgoers would see right through him; That they would see where Jaehyo left a mark on his neck and how Jiho’s fingers had pressed bruises into the skin of his hips. That they would see the marks around his wrist and know what had happened. That they would look at him and know of the pecks to his lips, the bodies curled around his, the intimacy and love shared in a way that is forbidden .That they would see all his sins written as clear as daylight somehow.
On days like these, when he wakes up from a dream with his father’s voice still booming into his mind, when the guilt overwhelms and catches him by surprise, the marks left on his body that he usually cherishes --claims on him that prove that he is their boyfriend, even if he can’t be to the public eye-- are marks of shame. He wishes he could wash them away, like the sweat from the night before. On days like these, their slumbering forms in the early morning light with the marks he left on them don’t evoke a warm feeling like usual but nausea and shame. Love given to those it shouldn’t have been given to, the Leviticus verse ringing through his head in his father’s threatening voice.
What if we just tell them? Jiho had suggested and the thought of that bold statement still makes Kyung scoff --mentally. Lost in thought as he was, he had better sense than to scoff through the sermon. His father would angrily preach, launching into a sermon of his own. Asking Kyung how he could bring such shame upon his family, asking God what he had done wrong that he had ended up with a son like this.. His mother would cry, not allowing him to comfort her. Maybe she would send his little brother out to do something before his father broke loose, maybe she would accept Saehim’s comfort. Kyung hates seeing his mother cry, even more than he hates angering his father. The sermon he could accept; he’s heard so many sermons and preaches in his life that they tend to have less of an effect on him than the rare sight of his heartbroken mother. Kyung loves her, and he never wanted to do this to her.
On a good day he might snap something back along the lines of ‘God tells us to love everyone! The Lord Christ never said anything about homosexuals! We cannot judge others, only God can!’ because the best way to defend himself is using his father’s weapon against him. But on days like today, where the mere thought of stepping into a church evokes sweat breaking out over his entire body and the word confessional makes him want to find the nearest trash can and puke, Kyung knows he’d just hang his head and listen to the words.
From what he’s heard people are visiting churches less and less. Corruption runs amok amongst the officials, Kyung has heard his father curse and complain. But visiting church has been such a big part of his life, even if nowadays there is no rhythm or schedule to it, Kyung still had trouble letting go of these church visits. Even if he doesn’t dare to go to his family’s church but rather goes alone, waking up early to catch a bus to take him to the other side of town to do so. Maybe church visits count for virtue points.
The rest of a sermon passes by in a blur; it’s still hard to focus for him and he goes through the motions and rituals mechanically. His mind is already ahead of him, and he shudders a little as the service is over. He lingers around the building, watching the people go; families with their children, not quite unlike how his family had been. He knows he could already go to one of the booths but he’s nervous; his fingers are sweaty and clammy and shaking a little. He’s just procrastinating. Kyung wonders if that would be another sin point. He’s not sure. Does it fall underneath sloth, one of the seven deadly sins?
When some of the church’s people are starting to give him weird looks he knows it’s time. He takes a deep breath, hoping he doesn’t shake too much as he makes his ways to one of the booths. He steps inside, releasing another shaky breath as he reaches behind himself to draw the curtains closed.
“Hello, my son” the pastor greets unexpectedly and Kyung almost yells, startled. He was already so caught up in his sins that he completely forgot about the person meant to listen to them, separated from him through a thin wooden board.
“Hello Father” he greets softly, having to force the words out of his throat as he sat down on his knees, face pressed against the wood. It’s cool against his forehead, and it distracts him a little from what is about to happen. Is this betrayal? Is he betraying his lovers by doing this? Can it truly be betrayal --another sin-- when he is betraying something considered sinful? Suddenly he isn’t so sure if he should be there in the first place, but he is already in the booth. There is no going back now. At least he thinks bitterly, they'll never find out what I told the pastor. The holy man isn’t allowed to share Kyung’s sins with anyone, after all. Nonetheless he feels guilty about it. Great. Now I feel guilty for sinning and for confessing.
The pastor starts his rite and Kyung follows his lead with a practiced ease he suddenly hates. As a child, he came here to confess that he’d stolen cookies from Saehim or that he’d pushed Chan off the steps in front of their house --on accident!-- and hadn’t said it was him. Nowadays, his sins are much more grave.
“Forgive me F-father” he says, voice breaking, “for I have sinned.” The last words came out in a rush, his tongue clumsily wrapping around them in an attempt to push them out as soon as possible. He wants to get it over with. He wishes that he didn’t have to admit to them, that the pastor would know but that would take the genuinity of the act away, he supposes.
“What sin have you committed, my son?” He can hear the worry for his very soul in the pastor’s voice --he thinks it might be the young, good-looking pastor from before. The thought is unbidden and he curses it; sinning even in confessional. Does he sound that terrible? Or can he truly sense the sins Kyung has committed?
“I’ve...I’ve lain with men” he says after a long pause, swallowing. “Several times.”
“How many times, my son?” He is quiet, squeezing his eyes shut as he presses his face harder into the wood.
“I-I can’t remember, father, t-too many times. What do I do ?!” His breath is shuddery when he inhales sharply. Kyung is breathing heavily in general. “I love them, Father, I love them so much...Is that such a bad thing? How can love be such a bad thing?!” Kyung thinks of Jaehyo’s goofy smile and Jiho’s surprised, almost innocent look if you catch him off-guard and wonders how loving that can be such a bad thing.
“My son” the pastor says softly and gently like he is a skittish animal, “it is bad. You should not lay with a man like you lay with a woman. It’s forbidden. It’s a sin; if you continue then you’ll go to hell. You should stop whatever you are doing with those other men. Find a girl to put you on the right track.” And Kyung thinks of hell. He thinks of not coming home to Jaehyo’s smile and Jiho’s kisses. Of nights alone in bed, wondering what --and more importantly how -- they were doing without them. Because that is what he imagines hell to be like. He swallows past the lump of his throat.
“I-I can’t, father” he says. “They mean so much about me...they’re everything to me.” He doesn’t want to let go of them. He doesn’t want to disappoint his parents. He doesn’t want to hurt anyone. All Kyung wants is to be with Jaehyo and Jiho and to go to family dinners with them. Chan has always looked up to Jiho and Kyung is sure Saehim’d love Jaehyo. It’s unfair that he can’t. Instead of guilt it’s anger bubbling in the pit of his stomach, raw and hot in a way that makes him remember how much he hates churches and confession. He pushes himself to his feet.
“What is my penance, Father?” he asks, voice low. He shall go through with it, like he’s been taught to do but he feels like it’s useless anyway because he doesn’t feel that repentant anymore. They ask him to forsake something that’s been nothing but amazing up until now and he can’t. He can’t see why it’s a bad thing and thus he can’t give up on this. He won’t give up on this; he refuses to, even if it means dealing with the guilt.
“Pray the rosary” is the answer he gets, a hint of sadness mixed with disappointment in the inflection of the pastor. “And reflect on your sins daily. I hope you will realize what you’re doing and come to your senses, my son.” Kyung grits his teeth but nods nonetheless.
“Thank you Father” he mutters, bowing his head as they go through the finishing rites together. Luckily Kyung can do it on auto-pilot by now and it isn’t long before he returns to a chair. The rosary that has been given to him smells faintly of roses, and the smell stains his fingers as he goes through the prayers. He stares it as he’s done, sitting there for a long time. The guilt is already returning, making him feel slightly nauseous rather than the relieved feeling he attempted to gain by coming here.
The sun on his face when he walks out does little to alleviate his awful mood. He shoves his hand into his pockets, hooking his earbuds up to his phone before putting them in his ears as he makes his way back to the bus stop. Darling comes on --Jaehyo put it on his phone as a joke after he started calling Kyung darling. Normally it gives him fuzzy feelings, even if he’d never admit to it. Now he just inhales sharply before ripping the earbuds out of his ears. He doesn’t feel much like being reminded of his sins right now. He is about to pocket his phone when it buzzes and he frowns.
[from: Park Chan]
[to: me]
[11:23] hyuuuung please come home for dinner tonight?
[11:23] noona is coming too and she’s bringing her boyfriend
[11:23] please don’t let me sit through this alone
The last text is a picture of his little brother looking sad and pitiful,somewhere sunny. Kyung doesn’t feel like going back home yet, despite his earlier anger at the demand that he gets rid of his boyfriends, and while he doesn’t necessarily feel like going home to his parents either, he supposes he can be the good brother and son and score some virtue points. After today’s haul of sin points he can use them, Kyung figures.
He sighs and turns around; he needs a different bus to go to his parents’ home. While he makes the short walk Kyung mentally prepares himself for the evening full of questioning about whether or not there is a cute, Christian girl in his life that’s dear to him and if not, subtle suggestions about girls his mother knows that might be a good fit for him.
He belatedly realizes that he should text his lovers that he’s not coming home tonight. He quickly sends a text to Chan confirming his presences, getting various happy emojis back. His last text before he switches his phone off goes something like this;
[from: me]
[to: groupchat]
[11:41] having dinner with the family tonight, don’t wait up for me Kyung
The bus arrives and he sits down, staring out of the widow as the sun starts shining. He puts his elbow on the small sill, hand supporting his face.
His fingers still smell of the rosary.
notes: this was supposed to be a late night drabble because I was feeling sad and when I feel sad I write sad stuff but then this 2.7k monster happened. Shoutout to Bee for babbling hc with me that inspired me and to Vic for being such a lovely beta and encouraging me to post. note that this fic is set in an universe where block b doesn't exist and Kyung, Jaehyo and Jiho are in a well-adjusted polyamorous relationship.
originally I imagined Kyung sitting in late afternoon light in a church, dust falling in beams of light before I realized that those are medieval/Renaissance churches rather than the modern churches Korea seems to have. Also, for reference, this is how I imagined Kyung to look like.
