Summer's Heir [Bleach][Hinamori, Hitsugaya, Matsumoto]

[taegan_kel]

Summer's Heir
Part One
by Kel
Rating: PG-13/T
Summary: Aizen, even after death, leaves a legacy.
Note: Part one of an ongoing thing that started out being a short one-shot.Yeah. I know. I fail.
Additional note: Please con-crit. Really, its the only reason I posted. I need it. XD

Comments

[aishuu]

Okay, this is a fabulous inversion of the usual post-war fics. The idea of Hitsugaya being broken so badly, and Momo trying to pick up the pieces, is haunting. I'd love to see more in this universe.

For concrit, I would suggest using a spellchecker - there's several mistakes which would easily be caught with one.

[taegan_kel]

*facepalm*

That would be because I posted the rough draft instead of the one I actually ran the spellcheck on.

Thank you!

[aishuu]

Amazing how things like that happen, isn't it?

Really do hope you continue this story, though - it's got a lot of verve.

[taegan_kel]

I will be continuing, thanks. =D

[sophiap]

First off, let me say that I'll be looking for the next part of this. You've got me interested.

Since you said you were looking for concrit, I have two comments.

One, while the writing is good, and you've got an excellent grasp of grammer, style, etc., I found a few minor glitches of the kind you'd probably catch if you went through it again a day or two after finishing. Example: "I have work to do Momo," she said softly and opened the door. There should be a comma after "do," and I'd be inclined to change "and opened the door" to " as she opened the door." Or, Aizen had created a masterpiece when he molding Hitsugaya's mind to whatever he wanted. Molding should be molded. All minor stuff

[taegan_kel]

Thank you! I really appreciate the comment. And thank you SO much for pointing out those silly things - spellcheck doesn't catch those and, thanks to the evil that is Vista, I have to write on Notepad with no grammar check.

Two, (and this is a personal preference thing) I would almost go into a little more detail in the opening as to what happened.

Well... the plan is that will be revealed through the story, and we'll meet the other victims and see what happened. I didn't want to reveal it all at once; I felt it might be a little too overwhelming to the story and I'd lose the emotion and flow I wanted in the first chapter. I won't leave you hanging on what happened, promise. :) Perhaps, in revision - which there will be - I'll add a little more to the beginning.

Thank you SO very much for the comment. I really appreciate it. :D

[sophiap]

Happy to be of service!

I like that we're going to meet the other victims and see what happened, and yes, I see what you mean by wanting to get into what the story is about and not get things bogged down at the beginning. That's one of those tricky areas where you have to decide how much of the scene you should set before zipping along to the plot.

I look forward to more.

[davyn]

Good work! There were two words out of place, but that was all I saw. The rest looks good!

As usual, I love it! CRAZY Hitsu indeed! I am pleased. Well pleased. Keep up the good work! Can't wait to see what you do with this.

[taegan_kel]

:D

Thank you!

[doomcake]

>_>

[taegan_kel]

<<

>>

OKAY. Will do. *SMISH*

[hu3long2]

This is wonderful and I second sophiap's comments from the middle where she stated what she liked about the role reversals etc. to the end

[taegan_kel]

Thank you SO much for your comments. They are SO appreciated. I really appreciate the observation about Hitsugaya's IC-ness. That's what I worried most about, seeing as how I'm pretty much breaking him.

Oh, we have not seen the last of Rangiku. I adore Ran too much to just write her out now. :3

Thank you!