Vent Post: Phone Boundaries
Two days ago, my mother's car blew up. This isn't nearly as surprising as it might sound, because it's a 1997 Pontiac. She's been driving it since before my parents split up, and paying it off was one of the last things my father did before he ended their marriage.
She's never gotten around to buying another car because she just couldn't stay on top of her finances well-enough. Keep in mind that my dad left my mother in March of 2001. By May, custody had been worked out that awarded her $3,000 a month in maintenance and a combined $1,600 in child support (while I was living elsewhere). She received child support until May of 2003, and maintenance until the following October. The mortgage payment was less than $1,000 a month. So she had two years to save plenty of money to finance a more reliable car.
But she didn't. So she's driving a 15-year-old sports car that she has probably not maintained as well as she should. She always made sure that the car had a fresh wash and looked sparkly enough, but the actual maintenance, like oil changes, were handled by my dad. I doubt that's changed much in the decade since they divorced.
In any case, I saw Mom's name pop up on my caller ID at 7:30 this morning. I was tired from just being awoken by a blaring phone ring and couldn't get to the phone in time, and when I hit play on her voicemail message, it said to call her back as soon as possible, that it was important.
I called her back immediately, and it turns out she was calling me about her car. You know, the one that blew up TWO DAYS ago.
"You seriously called me at 7:30 in the morning to talk to me that your car exploded two days ago?"
And she couldn't understand why I was pissed.
I've asked her repeatedly not to call me before 10 a.m. Eventually, I stopped asking and flat-out told her I would not answer her call that early in the morning. To her credit, she usually asks me to call her back when I get a moment, versus "Call me back immediately, it's important."
In my mother's situation, I can see why she would be so upset. I mean, she's just lost her only means of transportation, and with her inability to manage her finances, I have no doubt she is panicking about how she's going to secure another car. But at least 48 hours had passed, and I'm across the country. There is literally NOTHING I can do; I can't exactly drive her into work, so why do I need to know at an hour where I've told her repeatedly I am asleep?
Not surprisingly, when I pointed all of this out to her, she said that nobody was asking me to do anything and she just assumed I'd want to know. I told her I'm happy to be informed of this sort of thing at a time that isn't in the window I've asked her not to call unless it's important. To which she said that it was important to her, obviously implying that the only priorities that matter in our communications are hers, even with my now-awake daughter wailing in the background.
Then, huffy that I'm not bending over backwards to hold her hand after she crossed the boundary I originally set up to keep her in check, she told me she was going to go ahead and let me go. I said that was convenient, since she had already woken me up. She hung up.
Rather than call her back, I sent her the following text message:
"Let me be perfectly clear: do not call me before 10 a.m., unless it is an emergency. I define an emergency as somebody dying. A car that exploded two days ago is not an emergency. If you cannot respect this boundary, I will change my number and not allow you to have access to it."
I've been doing a lot of work on my childhood and my relationship with my mother in particular in my therapy sessions, and all I can see is that is an incredibly childish, selfish woman. I've already opted not to invite her to Sephie's birthday party because of her behavior at my baby shower. I'm half-tempted to change my number anyway, but I admit that's a childish reaction to have. Still, I will go through with it if she doesn't get her act together.
She's never gotten around to buying another car because she just couldn't stay on top of her finances well-enough. Keep in mind that my dad left my mother in March of 2001. By May, custody had been worked out that awarded her $3,000 a month in maintenance and a combined $1,600 in child support (while I was living elsewhere). She received child support until May of 2003, and maintenance until the following October. The mortgage payment was less than $1,000 a month. So she had two years to save plenty of money to finance a more reliable car.
But she didn't. So she's driving a 15-year-old sports car that she has probably not maintained as well as she should. She always made sure that the car had a fresh wash and looked sparkly enough, but the actual maintenance, like oil changes, were handled by my dad. I doubt that's changed much in the decade since they divorced.
In any case, I saw Mom's name pop up on my caller ID at 7:30 this morning. I was tired from just being awoken by a blaring phone ring and couldn't get to the phone in time, and when I hit play on her voicemail message, it said to call her back as soon as possible, that it was important.
I called her back immediately, and it turns out she was calling me about her car. You know, the one that blew up TWO DAYS ago.
"You seriously called me at 7:30 in the morning to talk to me that your car exploded two days ago?"
And she couldn't understand why I was pissed.
I've asked her repeatedly not to call me before 10 a.m. Eventually, I stopped asking and flat-out told her I would not answer her call that early in the morning. To her credit, she usually asks me to call her back when I get a moment, versus "Call me back immediately, it's important."
In my mother's situation, I can see why she would be so upset. I mean, she's just lost her only means of transportation, and with her inability to manage her finances, I have no doubt she is panicking about how she's going to secure another car. But at least 48 hours had passed, and I'm across the country. There is literally NOTHING I can do; I can't exactly drive her into work, so why do I need to know at an hour where I've told her repeatedly I am asleep?
Not surprisingly, when I pointed all of this out to her, she said that nobody was asking me to do anything and she just assumed I'd want to know. I told her I'm happy to be informed of this sort of thing at a time that isn't in the window I've asked her not to call unless it's important. To which she said that it was important to her, obviously implying that the only priorities that matter in our communications are hers, even with my now-awake daughter wailing in the background.
Then, huffy that I'm not bending over backwards to hold her hand after she crossed the boundary I originally set up to keep her in check, she told me she was going to go ahead and let me go. I said that was convenient, since she had already woken me up. She hung up.
Rather than call her back, I sent her the following text message:
"Let me be perfectly clear: do not call me before 10 a.m., unless it is an emergency. I define an emergency as somebody dying. A car that exploded two days ago is not an emergency. If you cannot respect this boundary, I will change my number and not allow you to have access to it."
I've been doing a lot of work on my childhood and my relationship with my mother in particular in my therapy sessions, and all I can see is that is an incredibly childish, selfish woman. I've already opted not to invite her to Sephie's birthday party because of her behavior at my baby shower. I'm half-tempted to change my number anyway, but I admit that's a childish reaction to have. Still, I will go through with it if she doesn't get her act together.