Phantom Dreams Intro and Chapter 1
"What happens next?" is a question we've been asking for as long as we've been telling stories. The world the writer creates doesn't stop when the story does (usually, anyway) and people attempting to answer the question have produced great stories in their own right. It's a noble tradition that many of today's fanfic writers carry on.
Unfortunately, it doesn't always work.
Phantom Dreams by Nuktae-tal opens in the most unpromising way imaginable, by declaring itself to be a first draft. Now traditionally the point of a first draft is that you read it over and correct it, preferably with the help of a beta reader, before publishing it. It's generally considered that being released in an unfinished state doesn't exempt something from criticism. Especially as the "this is a first draft" disclaimer appears to be a first draft itself:
If you wanna rat on someone there are ton's of worse authers out there!
Yeah.
At Balamb Garden the first year after the sorceress's rule. An Ex-student Ex-knight of the sorceress was in headmistress Quistis's office. the rest of the team teachers. a few still mission heads. and The Famed hero Squall in his own office just beside Quistis's working on papers.
This intro can't even be called a first draft. It's an outline at best. Everything in this brief infodump would be better integrated into the body of the story, and elaborated upon. Why has Quistis taken over from Cid, and what's happened to him? Who of the team are teachers, who are mission heads and why? Why is Squall stuck behind a desk?
On this last, it seems to be some kind of fanon that Squall is reduced to a glorified secretary after Ultimecia's defeat. It's a good source of conflict to stick a character like Squall into such a blatantly unsuited role, and can (as in the excellent Crimson Lies, one of the best FFVIII goodfics out there and I suspect the populariser of the concept) be done very well. It isn't here.
Anyway, Seifer returns to Balamb Garden and negotiates with Quistis and Squall to get quarters there. By "negotiates" I mean that he asks them and they agree. The author does know that conflict isn't optional, right? That's not the end of Seifer's request, either:
Seifer sneared, and folded his arms over his chest but didn't say anything. It had been his own choice to come back here. "You gonna give me back Hyperion too? Or keep it in the shiney little case with yours in the history room?" Seifer asked having swung by. All of the gang's weapons were in the glass cases.
What, even the ones who are mission heads? Do they just go into battle unarmed or something?
Squall sighed, then roll his eyes a little. 'Well it would be nice to have a good duel sometime.' He thought to himself, no one else was anywhere near his level with a gunblade. "Gunblades weren't meant to be kept in cases. You can have it back if you want it."
Now all the conflict seems to have been exhausted on Seifer's backstory. He's been walking the earth apparently trying to atone for his role in the war, not an uncommon set-up for post-game fics, but we don't actually learn any details of this. One wonders at what point he surrendered Hyperion to Garden, considering he's not actually captured on the Lunatic Pandora and the next we see of him he's out fishing with Raijin and Fujin like nothing's happened.
Selphie runs into the office, and:
"Squuuaaaaalll!!!" Came a very hyper, high pitch, squeeling, happy kind of voice. "I got the-woof!"
... morphs into a dog, for some reason?
Why had everyone visited today? First Quistis with Seifer in tow, and now the hyperactive ball of engery... His day was just getting better and better. "What can I do for you Selphie?" He asked, sliding his keys in his pocket, moving towards the door.
"I got the last mission reports in, and you always tell me to stop being so lazy and give you the "damn"". She quotes with her fingers. "Files and reports." She smiled brightly. Then looked at Seifer again.
So is she lazy, or is she a hyperactive ball of "engery"?
Seifer was kind of shocked to see Selphie filled out. She had breasts albeit small, but still she'd never had them a year ago.
I don't think Selphie is especially flat-chested in the game, and why is Seifer ogling her anyway? The Seifer/Selphie section (try saying that when you've had a few) is that way.
Next to Squasll he looked like a giant caveman.
Seifer the caveman.
He didn't look like Seifer Almasy.
You're telling me. I repeat, Seifer is a caveman in this fic.
Squall stopped,half way in undoing his last boot,balancing on one foot,studying the man before pulling of his shoes,heading for his bedroom."Anything you find in the cupboards you can have,and I have cable if you want to watch something.I'm getting a shower."He said,gathering clothes,knowign that if he was in the shower it'd give seifer the privacy to cry if he wanted to.
And to listen to whatever it is the angst-ridden teenagers listen to these days. It's just as well Tara Gilesbie wasn't writing this. Actually, that could probably be said of almost any fic.
Yeah, "it's not My Immortal" is the most positive thing about this fic so far.
Squall sighed,"For now it is."He said,helping the man out of his pants,butq leaving the boxers,before stripping himself,crawling in the bed,laying on the opposite side as seifer.
Plenty of time to lie on the same side later.
Continued...
Unfortunately, it doesn't always work.
Phantom Dreams by Nuktae-tal opens in the most unpromising way imaginable, by declaring itself to be a first draft. Now traditionally the point of a first draft is that you read it over and correct it, preferably with the help of a beta reader, before publishing it. It's generally considered that being released in an unfinished state doesn't exempt something from criticism. Especially as the "this is a first draft" disclaimer appears to be a first draft itself:
If you wanna rat on someone there are ton's of worse authers out there!
Yeah.
At Balamb Garden the first year after the sorceress's rule. An Ex-student Ex-knight of the sorceress was in headmistress Quistis's office. the rest of the team teachers. a few still mission heads. and The Famed hero Squall in his own office just beside Quistis's working on papers.
This intro can't even be called a first draft. It's an outline at best. Everything in this brief infodump would be better integrated into the body of the story, and elaborated upon. Why has Quistis taken over from Cid, and what's happened to him? Who of the team are teachers, who are mission heads and why? Why is Squall stuck behind a desk?
On this last, it seems to be some kind of fanon that Squall is reduced to a glorified secretary after Ultimecia's defeat. It's a good source of conflict to stick a character like Squall into such a blatantly unsuited role, and can (as in the excellent Crimson Lies, one of the best FFVIII goodfics out there and I suspect the populariser of the concept) be done very well. It isn't here.
Anyway, Seifer returns to Balamb Garden and negotiates with Quistis and Squall to get quarters there. By "negotiates" I mean that he asks them and they agree. The author does know that conflict isn't optional, right? That's not the end of Seifer's request, either:
Seifer sneared, and folded his arms over his chest but didn't say anything. It had been his own choice to come back here. "You gonna give me back Hyperion too? Or keep it in the shiney little case with yours in the history room?" Seifer asked having swung by. All of the gang's weapons were in the glass cases.
What, even the ones who are mission heads? Do they just go into battle unarmed or something?
Squall sighed, then roll his eyes a little. 'Well it would be nice to have a good duel sometime.' He thought to himself, no one else was anywhere near his level with a gunblade. "Gunblades weren't meant to be kept in cases. You can have it back if you want it."
Now all the conflict seems to have been exhausted on Seifer's backstory. He's been walking the earth apparently trying to atone for his role in the war, not an uncommon set-up for post-game fics, but we don't actually learn any details of this. One wonders at what point he surrendered Hyperion to Garden, considering he's not actually captured on the Lunatic Pandora and the next we see of him he's out fishing with Raijin and Fujin like nothing's happened.
Selphie runs into the office, and:
"Squuuaaaaalll!!!" Came a very hyper, high pitch, squeeling, happy kind of voice. "I got the-woof!"
... morphs into a dog, for some reason?
Why had everyone visited today? First Quistis with Seifer in tow, and now the hyperactive ball of engery... His day was just getting better and better. "What can I do for you Selphie?" He asked, sliding his keys in his pocket, moving towards the door.
"I got the last mission reports in, and you always tell me to stop being so lazy and give you the "damn"". She quotes with her fingers. "Files and reports." She smiled brightly. Then looked at Seifer again.
So is she lazy, or is she a hyperactive ball of "engery"?
Seifer was kind of shocked to see Selphie filled out. She had breasts albeit small, but still she'd never had them a year ago.
I don't think Selphie is especially flat-chested in the game, and why is Seifer ogling her anyway? The Seifer/Selphie section (try saying that when you've had a few) is that way.
Next to Squasll he looked like a giant caveman.
Seifer the caveman.
He didn't look like Seifer Almasy.
You're telling me. I repeat, Seifer is a caveman in this fic.
Squall stopped,half way in undoing his last boot,balancing on one foot,studying the man before pulling of his shoes,heading for his bedroom."Anything you find in the cupboards you can have,and I have cable if you want to watch something.I'm getting a shower."He said,gathering clothes,knowign that if he was in the shower it'd give seifer the privacy to cry if he wanted to.
And to listen to whatever it is the angst-ridden teenagers listen to these days. It's just as well Tara Gilesbie wasn't writing this. Actually, that could probably be said of almost any fic.
Yeah, "it's not My Immortal" is the most positive thing about this fic so far.
Squall sighed,"For now it is."He said,helping the man out of his pants,butq leaving the boxers,before stripping himself,crawling in the bed,laying on the opposite side as seifer.
Plenty of time to lie on the same side later.
Continued...