My Heart Keeps Beating Like A Hammer
Title: My Heart Keeps Beating Like A Hammer
Rating: NC-17
Fandom: Grey's Anatomy
Pairings: Derek/Mark, Derek/Meredith
Warnings: Explicit sexual content, infidelity, violence, off-screen character death
Word Count: 6,022
Notes: Really long fic with lots of angst. :D AU of the episode 6x23 "Sanctuary". Spoilers for that.
Prompt: Feelings at love_bingo
Summary: Mark and Derek are not the perfect couple. They have their ups and downs, but can they recover from this?
Mark's already asleep by the time Derek gets home. He stands in the doorway of their bedroom and watches Mark breathe for a moment. He's so tired and all he wants to do is lay in bed next to Mark, but he just stands there, watching the steady rise and fall of Mark's chest. He sighs and kicks off his shoes, shrugging off his coat and dropping it on the floor.
Mark shifts, turning onto his side. Derek watches, stripping down to his boxers. He climbs into bed next to Mark and stares up at the ceiling. Mark shifts, turning to face Derek, curling into his warmth instinctively. Derek moves further away from him. He doesn't want Mark to touch him, doesn't think he can handle that right now.
He doesn't want to tell Mark that he slept with Meredith today in the on-call room. He knows Mark will find out tomorrow if Derek doesn't tell him before then because a nurse walked in on them, looking for Meredith when she ignored her page. He doesn't even understand why he did it besides the fact that it felt good and seemed like a good idea at the time. He hadn't even given Mark a passing thought before following Meredith when she tugged him inside. That says a lot, doesn't it?
He doesn't want to end things with Mark and he doesn't want to be with Meredith either. It was just sex. Mark should understand that. It's what he's all about anyway.
Except no, that's not right. Mark's not all about sex, not with Derek. He loves Derek. Honest to God loves Derek and Derek just threw all of that away for a quickie in the on-call room. Derek doesn't know what damage will come from this, but he knows there will be fallout, especially if Mark finds out from someone other than Derek. God forbid Meredith feel guilty and tell him herself.
Mark shifts again, still seeking out Derek's warmth, but Derek avoids the other man once more. Apparently that's enough to wake Mark up.
Mark squints at him blearily, eyes tired. "When did you get home?"
"Few minutes ago." Derek says dully.
"Something wrong?" Mark asks, blinking at him, trying to wake himself up.
"No. Yes. I don't know. Go back to sleep." Derek says, still carefully not touching Mark.
Mark ignores the command and reaches out to lay a hand on Derek's chest. "Wanna talk about it?"
"No." Derek turns over, back to Mark, dislodging Mark's hand.
"Are you mad at me?" Mark asks, sounding confused.
"No. Just go to sleep. I don't wanna talk." Derek snaps, pulling the sheets up around him.
"Okay." Mark says calmly, moving to lay behind Derek, draping an arm around him.
Derek gets up abruptly and snatches his pillow up. "I'm gonna sleep on the couch."
"Seriously, Derek. What is it? What did I do?" Mark sits up in bed, sheet pooling around his waist.
"Nothing. You didn't do anything." Derek runs a hand through his hair.
"Then what's going on? Why are you acting like this?" Mark asks, frowning at Derek.
"I slept with Meredith tonight. In the on-call room." Derek blurts out. It's not at all how he wanted to tell Mark, but it's out there in the open now, hanging in the air between them.
Mark stares at him, still confused. "You slept with Meredith? Why?"
"I don't know. I have no idea why I did it. I just did." Derek snaps, throwing his pillow back onto the bed.
"What does this mean then? Do you want to be with....with her now?" Mark asks, frown deepening.
"No! I don't want to be with her. I don't know why I did what I did. It just seemed like the thing to do at the time." Derek scrubs his hands over his face.
"It's fine. Whatever. So you slept with her. Who cares? Sex is just sex." Mark says with a nod. He doesn't sound at all confident.
"You're not angry?" Derek tilts his head at Mark.
"No. It's not like I haven't done this to you. Well, I didn't cheat on you, that was Addison, but you know what I mean." Mark says, but he still looks pained by it.
"You're not okay with this." Derek shakes his head.
"I am. It's fine. Just come back to bed." Mark says, patting Derek's side of the bed.
Derek sighs and looks at Mark for a moment before getting back into bed and adjusting his pillow.
They lay down again, both staring up at the ceiling when Mark speaks again.
"Do I make you unhappy?"
"No." Derek replies, sounding tired.
"But I don't make you happy either, do I?" Mark asks, voice strained in the dark.
"Look, what happened with Meredith had nothing to with our relationship, okay? I chose you, not her. Tonight was just a mistake, okay?" Derek props himself up on one arm, looking down at Mark.
"If you say so." Mark looks doubtful.
Derek leans down and kisses him, half expecting Mark to push him away, but he doesn't. He kisses him back fiercely, hand curling around the back of Derek's neck. Derek shifts, moving on top of Mark, grinding their hips together.
Mark moans into Derek's mouth, shivering as Derek flicks his tongue along the roof of his mouth. Derek rolls his hips against Mark's, keeping it slow and steady, forcing Mark to keep pace with him and not speed it up like he so desperately wants.
When they part, Mark groans, arching back into the bed, trying to get more friction from Derek as Derek buries his face in Mark's neck and sucks at the soft skin there, leaving a bruise.
"Tell me what you want." Derek's voice is muffled.
"You. Fuck, I want you." Mark pants, eyes sliding shut as Derek nips at his throat.
"More specific." Derek demands, biting this time.
Mark hisses between clenched teeth. "Fuck me."
Derek smirks and sits up, straddling Mark, hand sliding down Mark's torso, fingers tweaking his nipples on the way down. He pauses when he gets to the waistband of Mark's boxers, but Mark bucks up as best he can with Derek sitting on him and gives him an impatient look which makes Derek smirk.
He reaches into Mark's boxers and strokes Mark's cock as Mark pants and squirms underneath him. Derek teases him, trailing light, gentle fingers up and down Mark's length before pulling away and tugging at Mark's boxers. Mark raises his hips, letting Derek pull off his boxers, twitching when the cool air hits his throbbing cock. Derek looks down at Mark, all spread out before him, hard and needy and wanting, waiting for him to make his move.
He moves to the side of the bed and rummages for the lube and condoms, tossing the lube beside Mark's hip and putting the condom on himself. Mark's got one hand wrapped around himself and he strokes steadily, hips moving of their own accord. Derek bats his hand away impatiently. Mark whines and bucks his hips into the air.
"Patience." Derek says, picking up the lube and pouring some onto his fingers.
Mark hitches his legs up around Derek's hips when Derek gets up on his knees in front of him. His slick fingers press against Mark and slide inside of him, making him groan and wriggle slightly.
Derek doesn't hesitate and begins fucking Mark with his fingers, knowing what the other man can handle and not wanting to take it soft and slow right now. Mark is moaning his name and it sounds somewhere between a prayer and a curse as his hips move to keep pace with Derek's hand.
Derek pulls his fingers out of Mark and Mark whimpers, momentarily forgetting that there's something else, something better, that he's after. Derek slicks up his cock and pushes into Mark with one smooth thrust. Mark arches his back and grips the sheets, gasping as Derek doesn't even give him time to adjust. He just keeps going, hard and fast, almost punishing.
Mark listens to Derek moan and grunt above him and suddenly all he can see is Derek above Meredith, fucking her in the on-call room, making her gasp and moan. All he can see is Derek kissing Meredith, hands all over her body, buried deep inside of her and coming. All he can see is Meredith's face as she comes around Derek, clenching against him, making him come. All he can see is them pleasing each other.
Mark curls one hand back around his cock and strokes himself fast, sloppy, trying to take his mind off of Meredith and Derek. He pushes the images of them out of his head.
Derek pushes his hand away and bends over him, spreading his thighs and forcing his legs up higher, changing the angle of the thrust and getting deeper inside of Mark.
"You're going to come for me and only for me. You're going to come because I make you come. Understand?" Derek stares him down.
Mark stares up at him, open-mouthed and turned on beyond belief.
Derek stops moving inside of him completely and Mark makes a choked noise.
"I said, do you understand me?" Derek asks, voice wrecked.
"Oh fuck, yes, please just fucking move!" Mark manages to pant out, rocking against Derek as best he can.
Derek smirks wickedly down at him and pulls out, only to slam back into him and keep the pace so fast and hard that Mark can't do anything but take it, moaning and clutching at the sheets as he gets fucked within an inch of his life. Derek has never been like this before, but fuck, is it amazing.
It doesn't take long for Mark to come like this. He's never come like this before, untouched and aching, but his orgasm slams into him and Derek keeps fucking him through it, making him take it, making him take the best fucking of his life and the hardest orgasm he's ever had until he's almost too sensitive to be touched anymore and then Derek comes, hips snapping forward, hot and tight and tense.
Derek pulls out and Mark hisses, letting his legs fall away from Derek. Derek disposes of the condom and tosses one of their shirts at Mark for him to use to clean up with. Mark swipes it across his stomach and tosses it back onto the floor as Derek lays down beside him.
"Well, that was intense." Mark says after a few moments of silence.
"Just go to sleep. I don't want to talk." Derek snaps, facing away from Mark.
Mark presses his lips into a thin line, but he knows better than to push Derek when he's in this kind of mood, so he lets it go and lays down on his side of the bed, facing Derek.
"I love you." He says.
He doesn't get a reply.
~*~
When Mark gets up the next morning, Derek's already gone. Mark isn't surprised. A little hurt, but not surprised. Things aren't okay between them and this time he has no idea how to fix it because it's Derek that's pushing him away and not the other way around.
He takes a shower and gets ready for work, ignoring the lingering traces of Derek's cologne in the air. He heads into work and gets his usual coffee and then heads for the nurses' station for his charts. He does rounds with Karev and preps for his surgeries. The day passes in a blur. He doesn't see Derek, not even in passing. The only time the fog lifts is when he has a scalpel in his hand.
He heads for the on-call room as soon as he has a free hour. He's exhausted and he's one of the surgeons on call for the night, so he wants a quick nap. He's just about to throw himself down onto a bed when the door opens and Derek walks in.
Derek stops at the door and stares at him for a moment.
Mark is too tired to deal with anything right now and just ignores Derek, getting into bed and closing his eyes. He hears the door close and assumes Derek's left until the bed dips down under someone else's weight.
He opens his eyes and looks at Derek. "What?"
"Why aren't you angry with me?" Derek demands, glaring at Mark.
"Why do you want me to be angry?" Mark counters.
"Because you should be! You should be pissed that I slept with Meredith and you shouldn't let me fuck you like I did last night!" Derek is almost yelling now.
"What's really going on here? You can't be seriously pissed that I'm not angry with you for sleeping with someone else." Mark asks.
"You're just going to let me walk all over you, is that it? I can't believe you're okay with this. I would be pissed at you if you'd slept with someone. Why aren't you angry?" Derek demands to know.
"I am angry. I'm angry and I'm hurt, but I'm trying not to take it out on you because that's not going to solve anything and I know what happens when we fight. I don't want to lose you, okay? Not again." Mark reaches up to stroke Derek's cheek.
"Oh, that's bullshit." Derek sneers.
"What do you want me to say, Derek? I don't want to have a giant fight about this. You slept with someone who wasn't me. You told me about it and now I'm trying to make peace with that and move past it because I don't like fighting with you." Mark explains, trying to shove his temper down.
"Since when are you like this? You usually wanna scream and pick a fight." Derek narrows his eyes at Mark.
"Because I'm tired, Derek. I don't want an argument and I don't want to lose you. I've fucked up enough in the past and you've always taken me back. Why is that so hard for you to believe that I'm going to do the same for you?" Mark asks, hand cupping Derek's cheek.
"So you'd rather have me walk all over you and be my fucking doormat rather than tell me how you really feel?" Derek snaps.
"No, that's not what I'm saying at all. I said I was angry and hurt, but I'm trying to deal with it, okay?" Mark sighs in frustration.
Derek shoves his hand away. "You're fucking pathetic. I'm not going to be with someone who's just going to let me walk all over them because they're scared of losing me. We're done. Over."
"What?" Mark stares up at him.
"I'm not going to be with someone who won't stand up to me when I've crossed the line. I'm not going to be the only responsible one here. This is your fault too." Derek glares.
"How is you sleeping with Meredith my fault?" Mark props himself up on his elbows.
"Because if I was happy with you, I wouldn't be sleeping with Meredith." Derek points out, a cruel smirk on his face.
"Wait, sleeping with her? You said it only happened once." Mark frowns at Derek.
"It's been going on for a while. I'm really surprised you didn't know, but I guess it's true. The one being cheated on is always the last to know." Derek stands up.
"I don't understand." Mark looks up at Derek in confusion.
"Let me clear it up for you. I don't love you. You don't make me happy." Derek explains, shrugging.
"So, instead of telling me this, you decide to sleep with Meredith?" Mark asks.
"Yeah, well, she's always up for it and at least the sex was still decent with you." Derek says, unconcerned with Mark's reaction.
"Not even I would do that, Derek. That's pretty low." Mark shakes his head.
"Oh well. Now you know. We're done." Derek walks to the door.
"You're throwing us away over this? You don't even want to try anymore?" Mark asks in desperation.
"Why would I? The only thing you've got going for you right now is the sex and I can get that elsewhere, so what do I need you for?" Derek stalks out of the on-call room, leaving Mark staring after him in shock.
Mark sags back against the pillows and grits his teeth against the pain. He's not going to lay here and cry over Derek Shepherd. He's done some pretty shitty things in their relationship, but never something so extreme like this. He loves Derek. He rolls over onto his side, facing the wall. If a few tears roll down his cheeks, well, his allergies are acting up and that's it.
~*~
When Mark finally makes it back to his apartment, he's not all that surprised to find that Derek has taken all of his things out of it. His clothes are gone from the dresser and the closet. His razor and hair products are gone from the bathroom. There aren't any traces of him, except the lingering scent of his cologne in the air and on the sheets.
Mark kicks off his shoes and shrugs out of his jacket before collapsing into bed. He's exhausted and all he wants is a solid six hours of sleep and then a shower and some food. He ignores the how big the bed suddenly seems and he certainly doesn't miss the feel of arms wrapping around him and kisses pressed against his neck when he lays down.
When he wakes up after about four hours, he gets into the shower and doesn't miss the feel of another wet body sliding against his and playful kisses under the spray. He doesn't miss the feel of soapy hands stroking down his back and an arm curling around his waist. He washes quickly and gets out.
He dresses and heads for the kitchen, bustling around in the cabinets. He makes himself a sandwich and doesn't miss the conversation and laughter that usually accompanied his meals. He eats quicker than usual and heads for the hospital.
He checks on all his patients and fills out his charts, trying to admit that he's hoping for a chance to talk to Derek. He's walking back to the nurses' station with his final chart when he sees them, Derek and Meredith. They're leaning against the counter of the nurses' station and smiling at each other, talking. He's too far away to hear the conversation, but Derek looks happy. Meredith laughs and steps up to Derek to peck him on the cheek before walking away.
Derek scribbles something in the chart he's holding before handing it over to the nurse behind the counter. He turns and catches sight of Mark standing there and just smirks before he walks away, ignoring Mark calling his name. Mark wants to talk, to try and sort things out, but this just tells him that Derek doesn't want to. Mark sighs and goes on about his day, now trying to avoid running into Derek. He doesn't need this. He doesn't want to see Derek laughing with Meredith the day after he turns Mark's world upside down.
~*~
The days blur into each other as Derek continues to ignore Mark unless it's absolutely necessary to talk to him and then it's only related to their jobs. The only things they talk about these days are medical and the conversations are short, tense, and to the point. Mark tried in the beginning to get Derek to talk to him, but Derek just kept flaunting his fling with Meredith in his face until Mark gave up.
Mark is seriously contemplating just going back to New York. It's getting harder and harder to bear witness to Derek and Meredith and he's tired of having his heart broken all over again every time he catches sight of them.
He's writing notes in a chart when a man taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me, sir. I can't seem to find Dr. Shepherd."
Mark turns and looks at the man. "He should be in his office."
"I keep getting turned around. I've only been there once and can't seem to find it again." The man says, hands tucked into his jacket pocket.
"Just go through the patients' floor on third to the main lobby and it's across the catwalk. There are signs once you hit the lobby. You should get there no problem." Mark smiles at him.
"Thank you. You have a good day." The man steps past him and continues on.
"You too." Mark calls after him, going back to his chart.
A few minutes later, someone bumps into him. He turns, ready to bitch at whoever is there when he catches sight of April Kepner's blood stained coat and scrubs. "What the hell happened to you?"
She babbles about her life and Mark manages to cut through it and get her to the point. There's a shooter in the hospital. He takes her up to Derek's office, not caring that he hasn't spoken two words that aren't related to medicine in what feels like forever to him because this is definitely not something medical school prepares you for.
Derek looks up, startled, when they burst into his office. He looks at April's blood stained clothing and demands to know what's going on. Mark fills him in quickly and Derek's reaching for the phone, calling security before Mark even finishes. They don't know where the shooter is, but they need to do something.
Mark gets April a change of clothes and cleans most of the blood off her face while Derek flips through a handbook, on the phone with hospital security, trying to figure out what the procedure is here. Lockdown. Mark listens with half an ear to Derek's conversation as he wipes the blood from April's face. She's silent, pale, scared.
Derek hangs up and April springs to her feet. "What do we do?"
"Stay here. No one moves, no one gets in or out of the hospital." He tells her, heading for the door.
"Where are you going? You just said nobody in or out, nobody moves, nobody breathes." April stares at him, wide eyed.
"This is my hospital. I have to see what's going on. Mark, stay here with her." Derek commands, looking at Mark.
Mark nods and steers April into a chair while Derek rushes out of his office. He listens to April babble about anything and everything while trying to keep her calm and inside the office. It feels like forever before anything happens, but April catches sight of Derek on the catwalk across from the office and pushes past Mark to get to him.
Mark follows and what happens next seems to happen in slow motion. April calls out Derek's name, freezing when she sees the gunman standing in front of Derek on the catwalk. The gun is lowered, pointing at the floor instead of Derek's chest. Derek turns at the sound of April's voice, looking away from the shooter. The gun is aimed at him again.
Mark doesn't think; he just moves. He shoves Derek to one side, out of the line of fire. There's a deafening bang. Two of them. Then bright, hot pain in his chest. The force of the impact sends him off his feet crashing to the floor. He can't breathe. The pain is sharp, fierce, and worse than anything he's ever experienced before.
There's another distant bang. He doesn't know what happens. All he can see is the ceiling and then Derek's face above him. Derek's talking; Mark can see his mouth moving, but he has no idea what Derek is saying to him. All he can hear is the rush of blood pounding in his ears. He stares up at Derek and wishes the pain would go away so he could hear Derek. He wonders if he's going to live. He doesn't think so. Then he doesn't think anything at all.
~*~
One moment, Derek's staring down the end of a gun barrel and the next, he's watching Mark get shot twice because he shoved Derek out of the way. Mark saves Derek's life and now he's on the ground in front of Derek, pouring his life out onto the floor in a bright red pool.
There's a third gunshot, but that one takes out the man who shot Mark and that's okay with Derek. He crawls over to Mark, leaning over him. Mark's eyes are open and he stares up at Derek.
"Come on, Mark, you can't die on me, you asshole. What the hell were you thinking? Mark, don't yo dare die on me. Please, Mark." Derek pleads, Mark's blood soaking into his pants and getting all over his hands.
Suddenly he's being pulled away from Mark, Meredith and Cristina hauling him to his feet as police and other doctors flood the scene. Mark's put on a gurney and rushed to an O.R. and Derek tries to follow, but Meredith stands in front of him.
"Let him go, Derek." She says and Derek stares at her uncomprehendingly.
"I can't do that, Meredith. He's my best friend. I can't just leave him when he needs me." Derek says, making to move past her.
She blocks his way again. "You know you can't go into surgery with him, so just wait with me. Everything's going to be fine."
She leads him into the waiting room and soon after that, they speak with the police about what happened. Derek is still covered in Mark's blood and Meredith takes him into the nearest restroom to get cleaned up. She brings him a pair of scrubs to change into and he does.
They go back out to wait for someone to come and update them. Derek stares at the red under his nails. Mark's blood. He can still see Mark laying there in the spreading circle of blood, staring up at him, two holes in his chest.
"He saved my life. He literally took a bullet for me. Twice." Derek says quietly, still staring at his nails.
Meredith doesn't say anything. She rubs a hand along Derek's shoulders.
"I cheated on him, told him he was pathetic for taking me back, told him he didn't make me happy, told him I didn't love him, and ignored him for weeks. And he still saves my life at the risk of his own." Derek picks at the blood under his nails.
"He loves you and you still love him. Let's face it, Derek. We're fun, but we're not meant to last. You and Mark are. You need to fix things with him." Meredith says gently.
"If he lives. If there's anything left to fix." Derek mutters.
"Everything will be fine." Meredith says, squeezing his shoulder.
Derek doesn't reply. They settle in for a tense wait.
~*~
Several hours later, Bailey comes out of the O.R. and heads for them.
Derek stands up. "Is he alive?"
"Yes. Both were through and through. There was no major damage, but he'll be off his feet for a while and recovery will take time, but he'll make a full one. He's in Recovery now, sedated, but you can see him if you'd like." She says, keeping it short.
Derek thanks her and hurries off. Meredith stays behind, watching him as he leaves.
"He really does love Mark." She says, half to herself.
Bailey looks back at Meredith. "They love each other. It's time to let him go."
Meredith nods. "I know."
Bailey nods at her and walks away.
Meredith sighs and scrubs her hands over her face. It's been a long and trying day. She heads for the locker room and sits on the bench, taking a moment to breath. She just needs a moment.
~*~
When Mark wakes up, the first thing he notices is his horribly dry mouth. The second thing he notices is the warmth of someone holding his hand. He blinks, clearing his slightly fuzzy vision and looks over. Derek is slumped onto his bed, head resting on one arm while he holds Mark's hand with the other. He's sound asleep, looking as if he's been there for hours.
Mark squeezes Derek's hand gently, smirking faintly when Derek jolts up into a sitting position.
"You're awake!" He exclaims, looking at Mark.
"Yeah. Who do I have to flirt with to get some water around here?" Mark asks, wincing at the sandpaper feel of his tongue.
Derek pours him a cup of water with one hand, still holding onto Mark's. He sticks a straw in it and holds it up to Mark's mouth.
"Really?" Mark arches an eyebrow at Derek.
"Really." Derek brings the cup closer to Mark's face.
Mark sighs, but drinks it anyway because he really is thirsty. When he's had enough, Derek puts the cup down on the table.
"What are you doing here?" Mark asks.
Derek stares at him. "Why wouldn't I be here?"
"You hate me now. Figured you'd be bummed that I didn't die." It's a low blow, but Mark doesn't really care.
Derek winces, fingers curling even tighter around Mark's hand in reflex. Mark pulls his hand away.
"I don't hate you and I don't want you to die. You saved my life, Mark. You literally took a bullet for me. Two of them. After all I did, and you still saved me." Derek says, eyes searching Mark's face.
"Yeah, well, it looks bad if you let the Chief of Surgery get shot right in front of you and do nothing." Mark shrugs as best he can, wincing slightly at the tug and pull of his stitches.
Derek reaches out for Mark's hand. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I did and said. I'm sorry for ignoring you."
Mark moves his hand away from Derek. "Good for you."
"What does that mean?" Derek asks, looking confused.
"It means you can be sorry all you want, but I'm not coming back to you. You had your chance, but you decided that I wasn't worth it anymore. I know that in New York, we had some issues to work on, but that doesn't mean you get to hop on a plane and fly across the country and leave me behind. That doesn't mean you start sleeping with someone else and then tell me it's my fault and that you don't love me and that I never made you happy." Mark's hands are clenched in the bed sheets.
Before Derek can reply, Mark's blood pressure monitor starts beeping rapidly and a nurse comes in.
"Dr. Shepherd, can you step outside for a moment?" She asks, stepping over to Mark and checking his vitals.
Mark stares him down and Derek sighs, doing as he's asked. He waits impatiently for the nurse to finish looking Mark over before going back into his room when she leaves.
"I don't want to talk to you." Mark snaps.
"Please, Mark. I almost lost you today." Derek pleads.
"You lost me when you decided sleeping with Meredith was a good idea." Mark glares at Derek.
"You almost died saving my life. I don't want to live without you." Derek tries again to change Mark's mind.
"Derek, I'm tired. I got shot twice today. I can't deal with this right now." Mark shakes his head.
Derek bites his lip for a moment before walking over to the bed and leaning down, kissing Mark softly on the mouth. Mark freezes, tensing under Derek for a moment before giving in to the kiss. Derek's hands cup Mark's face, curling into his hair. When they part, Derek rests his forehead against Mark's.
"You can't just kiss it all better, you know." Mark says, but his voice is soft and not angry.
"I know, but I want to try." Derek murmurs, kissing Mark again lightly.
"No, you don't. You're just feeling guilty about what happened. I'm not going to let you use this to try to come back to what we had and then leave me again when you get bored." Mark turns his face away from Derek.
"I know I made a mistake. I was still angry at you for what happened with Addison and I didn't handle it the right way and sleeping with Meredith wasn't the answer. I know that. I know that I was cruel to you and unfair, but I just miss you." Derek sinks back down into the chair.
"You certainly weren't missing me when you were all over the hospital with Meredith. You didn't miss me when you were ignoring me for weeks on end." Mark snaps.
Derek sighs. "I know I went about this all wrong. I wanted to punish you instead of trying to work things out. It was a mistake and I'm so sorry I did that to you."
"It's a little late for apologies." Mark says.
Derek stands back up and moves closer to Mark. He reaches out and trails his fingers softly down Mark's cheek, leaning in and kissing him softly, barely touching him. "Please, Mark. I love you."
Mark aches at Derek's soft words. He knows that Derek broke his heart over and over again without caring, but all he wants in that moment is to love Derek and have Derek love him because when they're happy together, they're on cloud nine. He wants Derek back more than anything, but he has to be sure. "You really mean this, right? This isn't just because I got shot?"
"I mean it. More than anything." Derek smiles, kissing Mark again.
"This can't be like last time. We need to work through shit together and not shut each other out." Mark says in between kisses.
"We will. We'll be better. We'll get it right this time." Derek mumbles, still kissing Mark.
"Promise?" Mark asks, smiling.
"I promise." Derek says with a smile of his own.
Derek kicks off his shoes and shrugs out of his lab coat before climbing into bed with Mark, careful of his wounds. He curls around him and runs his fingers through Mark's hair, letting a comfortable silence fall over them as they lean against one another. Derek listens to Mark's breathing even out as he falls asleep and smile to himself as he turns out the bedside lamp.
The darkness falls over them and Derek thinks that this time, they really do have a chance to get it right and not repeat the mistakes of the past. They're going to grow old together because Derek can't imagine life without Mark.
The ache that he's been holding at bay finally slams into him and he breaks down, sobbing as quietly as he can so as not to wake Mark up and worry him. He almost lost Mark today. It's his fault that Mark is laying in a hospital bed with gunshot wounds in the first place. He doesn't know what he would have done if they hadn't saved Mark. Nothing pretty, he's sure. He really can't imagine life without Mark because Mark's always been there and will always be there. He has to be. Derek doesn't know how to live without Mark in his life.
He takes a few deep breaths and tries to calm down. Mark's alive and he's going to make a full recovery. He's fine, he's breathing, and he's in Derek's arms. Everything will be okay. Sure, they still have some issues to work out, but they can do it. They'll make it through it. Derek can't afford to believe anything other than that.
He settles in against Mark, fingers still carding through Mark's hair as he closes his eyes and tries to relax long enough to get some sleep.
Meredith pauses outside the window to Mark's room, catching sight of Derek curled around Mark in bed. She tilts her head and watches them for a moment, finally understanding something she didn't before. They just fit together like pieces of the same puzzle. They fit in ways she and Derek never did and never will. She smiles slightly and nods to herself before walking away.
Everything will be okay.
Rating: NC-17
Fandom: Grey's Anatomy
Pairings: Derek/Mark, Derek/Meredith
Warnings: Explicit sexual content, infidelity, violence, off-screen character death
Word Count: 6,022
Notes: Really long fic with lots of angst. :D AU of the episode 6x23 "Sanctuary". Spoilers for that.
Prompt: Feelings at love_bingo
Summary: Mark and Derek are not the perfect couple. They have their ups and downs, but can they recover from this?
Mark's already asleep by the time Derek gets home. He stands in the doorway of their bedroom and watches Mark breathe for a moment. He's so tired and all he wants to do is lay in bed next to Mark, but he just stands there, watching the steady rise and fall of Mark's chest. He sighs and kicks off his shoes, shrugging off his coat and dropping it on the floor.
Mark shifts, turning onto his side. Derek watches, stripping down to his boxers. He climbs into bed next to Mark and stares up at the ceiling. Mark shifts, turning to face Derek, curling into his warmth instinctively. Derek moves further away from him. He doesn't want Mark to touch him, doesn't think he can handle that right now.
He doesn't want to tell Mark that he slept with Meredith today in the on-call room. He knows Mark will find out tomorrow if Derek doesn't tell him before then because a nurse walked in on them, looking for Meredith when she ignored her page. He doesn't even understand why he did it besides the fact that it felt good and seemed like a good idea at the time. He hadn't even given Mark a passing thought before following Meredith when she tugged him inside. That says a lot, doesn't it?
He doesn't want to end things with Mark and he doesn't want to be with Meredith either. It was just sex. Mark should understand that. It's what he's all about anyway.
Except no, that's not right. Mark's not all about sex, not with Derek. He loves Derek. Honest to God loves Derek and Derek just threw all of that away for a quickie in the on-call room. Derek doesn't know what damage will come from this, but he knows there will be fallout, especially if Mark finds out from someone other than Derek. God forbid Meredith feel guilty and tell him herself.
Mark shifts again, still seeking out Derek's warmth, but Derek avoids the other man once more. Apparently that's enough to wake Mark up.
Mark squints at him blearily, eyes tired. "When did you get home?"
"Few minutes ago." Derek says dully.
"Something wrong?" Mark asks, blinking at him, trying to wake himself up.
"No. Yes. I don't know. Go back to sleep." Derek says, still carefully not touching Mark.
Mark ignores the command and reaches out to lay a hand on Derek's chest. "Wanna talk about it?"
"No." Derek turns over, back to Mark, dislodging Mark's hand.
"Are you mad at me?" Mark asks, sounding confused.
"No. Just go to sleep. I don't wanna talk." Derek snaps, pulling the sheets up around him.
"Okay." Mark says calmly, moving to lay behind Derek, draping an arm around him.
Derek gets up abruptly and snatches his pillow up. "I'm gonna sleep on the couch."
"Seriously, Derek. What is it? What did I do?" Mark sits up in bed, sheet pooling around his waist.
"Nothing. You didn't do anything." Derek runs a hand through his hair.
"Then what's going on? Why are you acting like this?" Mark asks, frowning at Derek.
"I slept with Meredith tonight. In the on-call room." Derek blurts out. It's not at all how he wanted to tell Mark, but it's out there in the open now, hanging in the air between them.
Mark stares at him, still confused. "You slept with Meredith? Why?"
"I don't know. I have no idea why I did it. I just did." Derek snaps, throwing his pillow back onto the bed.
"What does this mean then? Do you want to be with....with her now?" Mark asks, frown deepening.
"No! I don't want to be with her. I don't know why I did what I did. It just seemed like the thing to do at the time." Derek scrubs his hands over his face.
"It's fine. Whatever. So you slept with her. Who cares? Sex is just sex." Mark says with a nod. He doesn't sound at all confident.
"You're not angry?" Derek tilts his head at Mark.
"No. It's not like I haven't done this to you. Well, I didn't cheat on you, that was Addison, but you know what I mean." Mark says, but he still looks pained by it.
"You're not okay with this." Derek shakes his head.
"I am. It's fine. Just come back to bed." Mark says, patting Derek's side of the bed.
Derek sighs and looks at Mark for a moment before getting back into bed and adjusting his pillow.
They lay down again, both staring up at the ceiling when Mark speaks again.
"Do I make you unhappy?"
"No." Derek replies, sounding tired.
"But I don't make you happy either, do I?" Mark asks, voice strained in the dark.
"Look, what happened with Meredith had nothing to with our relationship, okay? I chose you, not her. Tonight was just a mistake, okay?" Derek props himself up on one arm, looking down at Mark.
"If you say so." Mark looks doubtful.
Derek leans down and kisses him, half expecting Mark to push him away, but he doesn't. He kisses him back fiercely, hand curling around the back of Derek's neck. Derek shifts, moving on top of Mark, grinding their hips together.
Mark moans into Derek's mouth, shivering as Derek flicks his tongue along the roof of his mouth. Derek rolls his hips against Mark's, keeping it slow and steady, forcing Mark to keep pace with him and not speed it up like he so desperately wants.
When they part, Mark groans, arching back into the bed, trying to get more friction from Derek as Derek buries his face in Mark's neck and sucks at the soft skin there, leaving a bruise.
"Tell me what you want." Derek's voice is muffled.
"You. Fuck, I want you." Mark pants, eyes sliding shut as Derek nips at his throat.
"More specific." Derek demands, biting this time.
Mark hisses between clenched teeth. "Fuck me."
Derek smirks and sits up, straddling Mark, hand sliding down Mark's torso, fingers tweaking his nipples on the way down. He pauses when he gets to the waistband of Mark's boxers, but Mark bucks up as best he can with Derek sitting on him and gives him an impatient look which makes Derek smirk.
He reaches into Mark's boxers and strokes Mark's cock as Mark pants and squirms underneath him. Derek teases him, trailing light, gentle fingers up and down Mark's length before pulling away and tugging at Mark's boxers. Mark raises his hips, letting Derek pull off his boxers, twitching when the cool air hits his throbbing cock. Derek looks down at Mark, all spread out before him, hard and needy and wanting, waiting for him to make his move.
He moves to the side of the bed and rummages for the lube and condoms, tossing the lube beside Mark's hip and putting the condom on himself. Mark's got one hand wrapped around himself and he strokes steadily, hips moving of their own accord. Derek bats his hand away impatiently. Mark whines and bucks his hips into the air.
"Patience." Derek says, picking up the lube and pouring some onto his fingers.
Mark hitches his legs up around Derek's hips when Derek gets up on his knees in front of him. His slick fingers press against Mark and slide inside of him, making him groan and wriggle slightly.
Derek doesn't hesitate and begins fucking Mark with his fingers, knowing what the other man can handle and not wanting to take it soft and slow right now. Mark is moaning his name and it sounds somewhere between a prayer and a curse as his hips move to keep pace with Derek's hand.
Derek pulls his fingers out of Mark and Mark whimpers, momentarily forgetting that there's something else, something better, that he's after. Derek slicks up his cock and pushes into Mark with one smooth thrust. Mark arches his back and grips the sheets, gasping as Derek doesn't even give him time to adjust. He just keeps going, hard and fast, almost punishing.
Mark listens to Derek moan and grunt above him and suddenly all he can see is Derek above Meredith, fucking her in the on-call room, making her gasp and moan. All he can see is Derek kissing Meredith, hands all over her body, buried deep inside of her and coming. All he can see is Meredith's face as she comes around Derek, clenching against him, making him come. All he can see is them pleasing each other.
Mark curls one hand back around his cock and strokes himself fast, sloppy, trying to take his mind off of Meredith and Derek. He pushes the images of them out of his head.
Derek pushes his hand away and bends over him, spreading his thighs and forcing his legs up higher, changing the angle of the thrust and getting deeper inside of Mark.
"You're going to come for me and only for me. You're going to come because I make you come. Understand?" Derek stares him down.
Mark stares up at him, open-mouthed and turned on beyond belief.
Derek stops moving inside of him completely and Mark makes a choked noise.
"I said, do you understand me?" Derek asks, voice wrecked.
"Oh fuck, yes, please just fucking move!" Mark manages to pant out, rocking against Derek as best he can.
Derek smirks wickedly down at him and pulls out, only to slam back into him and keep the pace so fast and hard that Mark can't do anything but take it, moaning and clutching at the sheets as he gets fucked within an inch of his life. Derek has never been like this before, but fuck, is it amazing.
It doesn't take long for Mark to come like this. He's never come like this before, untouched and aching, but his orgasm slams into him and Derek keeps fucking him through it, making him take it, making him take the best fucking of his life and the hardest orgasm he's ever had until he's almost too sensitive to be touched anymore and then Derek comes, hips snapping forward, hot and tight and tense.
Derek pulls out and Mark hisses, letting his legs fall away from Derek. Derek disposes of the condom and tosses one of their shirts at Mark for him to use to clean up with. Mark swipes it across his stomach and tosses it back onto the floor as Derek lays down beside him.
"Well, that was intense." Mark says after a few moments of silence.
"Just go to sleep. I don't want to talk." Derek snaps, facing away from Mark.
Mark presses his lips into a thin line, but he knows better than to push Derek when he's in this kind of mood, so he lets it go and lays down on his side of the bed, facing Derek.
"I love you." He says.
He doesn't get a reply.
~*~
When Mark gets up the next morning, Derek's already gone. Mark isn't surprised. A little hurt, but not surprised. Things aren't okay between them and this time he has no idea how to fix it because it's Derek that's pushing him away and not the other way around.
He takes a shower and gets ready for work, ignoring the lingering traces of Derek's cologne in the air. He heads into work and gets his usual coffee and then heads for the nurses' station for his charts. He does rounds with Karev and preps for his surgeries. The day passes in a blur. He doesn't see Derek, not even in passing. The only time the fog lifts is when he has a scalpel in his hand.
He heads for the on-call room as soon as he has a free hour. He's exhausted and he's one of the surgeons on call for the night, so he wants a quick nap. He's just about to throw himself down onto a bed when the door opens and Derek walks in.
Derek stops at the door and stares at him for a moment.
Mark is too tired to deal with anything right now and just ignores Derek, getting into bed and closing his eyes. He hears the door close and assumes Derek's left until the bed dips down under someone else's weight.
He opens his eyes and looks at Derek. "What?"
"Why aren't you angry with me?" Derek demands, glaring at Mark.
"Why do you want me to be angry?" Mark counters.
"Because you should be! You should be pissed that I slept with Meredith and you shouldn't let me fuck you like I did last night!" Derek is almost yelling now.
"What's really going on here? You can't be seriously pissed that I'm not angry with you for sleeping with someone else." Mark asks.
"You're just going to let me walk all over you, is that it? I can't believe you're okay with this. I would be pissed at you if you'd slept with someone. Why aren't you angry?" Derek demands to know.
"I am angry. I'm angry and I'm hurt, but I'm trying not to take it out on you because that's not going to solve anything and I know what happens when we fight. I don't want to lose you, okay? Not again." Mark reaches up to stroke Derek's cheek.
"Oh, that's bullshit." Derek sneers.
"What do you want me to say, Derek? I don't want to have a giant fight about this. You slept with someone who wasn't me. You told me about it and now I'm trying to make peace with that and move past it because I don't like fighting with you." Mark explains, trying to shove his temper down.
"Since when are you like this? You usually wanna scream and pick a fight." Derek narrows his eyes at Mark.
"Because I'm tired, Derek. I don't want an argument and I don't want to lose you. I've fucked up enough in the past and you've always taken me back. Why is that so hard for you to believe that I'm going to do the same for you?" Mark asks, hand cupping Derek's cheek.
"So you'd rather have me walk all over you and be my fucking doormat rather than tell me how you really feel?" Derek snaps.
"No, that's not what I'm saying at all. I said I was angry and hurt, but I'm trying to deal with it, okay?" Mark sighs in frustration.
Derek shoves his hand away. "You're fucking pathetic. I'm not going to be with someone who's just going to let me walk all over them because they're scared of losing me. We're done. Over."
"What?" Mark stares up at him.
"I'm not going to be with someone who won't stand up to me when I've crossed the line. I'm not going to be the only responsible one here. This is your fault too." Derek glares.
"How is you sleeping with Meredith my fault?" Mark props himself up on his elbows.
"Because if I was happy with you, I wouldn't be sleeping with Meredith." Derek points out, a cruel smirk on his face.
"Wait, sleeping with her? You said it only happened once." Mark frowns at Derek.
"It's been going on for a while. I'm really surprised you didn't know, but I guess it's true. The one being cheated on is always the last to know." Derek stands up.
"I don't understand." Mark looks up at Derek in confusion.
"Let me clear it up for you. I don't love you. You don't make me happy." Derek explains, shrugging.
"So, instead of telling me this, you decide to sleep with Meredith?" Mark asks.
"Yeah, well, she's always up for it and at least the sex was still decent with you." Derek says, unconcerned with Mark's reaction.
"Not even I would do that, Derek. That's pretty low." Mark shakes his head.
"Oh well. Now you know. We're done." Derek walks to the door.
"You're throwing us away over this? You don't even want to try anymore?" Mark asks in desperation.
"Why would I? The only thing you've got going for you right now is the sex and I can get that elsewhere, so what do I need you for?" Derek stalks out of the on-call room, leaving Mark staring after him in shock.
Mark sags back against the pillows and grits his teeth against the pain. He's not going to lay here and cry over Derek Shepherd. He's done some pretty shitty things in their relationship, but never something so extreme like this. He loves Derek. He rolls over onto his side, facing the wall. If a few tears roll down his cheeks, well, his allergies are acting up and that's it.
~*~
When Mark finally makes it back to his apartment, he's not all that surprised to find that Derek has taken all of his things out of it. His clothes are gone from the dresser and the closet. His razor and hair products are gone from the bathroom. There aren't any traces of him, except the lingering scent of his cologne in the air and on the sheets.
Mark kicks off his shoes and shrugs out of his jacket before collapsing into bed. He's exhausted and all he wants is a solid six hours of sleep and then a shower and some food. He ignores the how big the bed suddenly seems and he certainly doesn't miss the feel of arms wrapping around him and kisses pressed against his neck when he lays down.
When he wakes up after about four hours, he gets into the shower and doesn't miss the feel of another wet body sliding against his and playful kisses under the spray. He doesn't miss the feel of soapy hands stroking down his back and an arm curling around his waist. He washes quickly and gets out.
He dresses and heads for the kitchen, bustling around in the cabinets. He makes himself a sandwich and doesn't miss the conversation and laughter that usually accompanied his meals. He eats quicker than usual and heads for the hospital.
He checks on all his patients and fills out his charts, trying to admit that he's hoping for a chance to talk to Derek. He's walking back to the nurses' station with his final chart when he sees them, Derek and Meredith. They're leaning against the counter of the nurses' station and smiling at each other, talking. He's too far away to hear the conversation, but Derek looks happy. Meredith laughs and steps up to Derek to peck him on the cheek before walking away.
Derek scribbles something in the chart he's holding before handing it over to the nurse behind the counter. He turns and catches sight of Mark standing there and just smirks before he walks away, ignoring Mark calling his name. Mark wants to talk, to try and sort things out, but this just tells him that Derek doesn't want to. Mark sighs and goes on about his day, now trying to avoid running into Derek. He doesn't need this. He doesn't want to see Derek laughing with Meredith the day after he turns Mark's world upside down.
~*~
The days blur into each other as Derek continues to ignore Mark unless it's absolutely necessary to talk to him and then it's only related to their jobs. The only things they talk about these days are medical and the conversations are short, tense, and to the point. Mark tried in the beginning to get Derek to talk to him, but Derek just kept flaunting his fling with Meredith in his face until Mark gave up.
Mark is seriously contemplating just going back to New York. It's getting harder and harder to bear witness to Derek and Meredith and he's tired of having his heart broken all over again every time he catches sight of them.
He's writing notes in a chart when a man taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me, sir. I can't seem to find Dr. Shepherd."
Mark turns and looks at the man. "He should be in his office."
"I keep getting turned around. I've only been there once and can't seem to find it again." The man says, hands tucked into his jacket pocket.
"Just go through the patients' floor on third to the main lobby and it's across the catwalk. There are signs once you hit the lobby. You should get there no problem." Mark smiles at him.
"Thank you. You have a good day." The man steps past him and continues on.
"You too." Mark calls after him, going back to his chart.
A few minutes later, someone bumps into him. He turns, ready to bitch at whoever is there when he catches sight of April Kepner's blood stained coat and scrubs. "What the hell happened to you?"
She babbles about her life and Mark manages to cut through it and get her to the point. There's a shooter in the hospital. He takes her up to Derek's office, not caring that he hasn't spoken two words that aren't related to medicine in what feels like forever to him because this is definitely not something medical school prepares you for.
Derek looks up, startled, when they burst into his office. He looks at April's blood stained clothing and demands to know what's going on. Mark fills him in quickly and Derek's reaching for the phone, calling security before Mark even finishes. They don't know where the shooter is, but they need to do something.
Mark gets April a change of clothes and cleans most of the blood off her face while Derek flips through a handbook, on the phone with hospital security, trying to figure out what the procedure is here. Lockdown. Mark listens with half an ear to Derek's conversation as he wipes the blood from April's face. She's silent, pale, scared.
Derek hangs up and April springs to her feet. "What do we do?"
"Stay here. No one moves, no one gets in or out of the hospital." He tells her, heading for the door.
"Where are you going? You just said nobody in or out, nobody moves, nobody breathes." April stares at him, wide eyed.
"This is my hospital. I have to see what's going on. Mark, stay here with her." Derek commands, looking at Mark.
Mark nods and steers April into a chair while Derek rushes out of his office. He listens to April babble about anything and everything while trying to keep her calm and inside the office. It feels like forever before anything happens, but April catches sight of Derek on the catwalk across from the office and pushes past Mark to get to him.
Mark follows and what happens next seems to happen in slow motion. April calls out Derek's name, freezing when she sees the gunman standing in front of Derek on the catwalk. The gun is lowered, pointing at the floor instead of Derek's chest. Derek turns at the sound of April's voice, looking away from the shooter. The gun is aimed at him again.
Mark doesn't think; he just moves. He shoves Derek to one side, out of the line of fire. There's a deafening bang. Two of them. Then bright, hot pain in his chest. The force of the impact sends him off his feet crashing to the floor. He can't breathe. The pain is sharp, fierce, and worse than anything he's ever experienced before.
There's another distant bang. He doesn't know what happens. All he can see is the ceiling and then Derek's face above him. Derek's talking; Mark can see his mouth moving, but he has no idea what Derek is saying to him. All he can hear is the rush of blood pounding in his ears. He stares up at Derek and wishes the pain would go away so he could hear Derek. He wonders if he's going to live. He doesn't think so. Then he doesn't think anything at all.
~*~
One moment, Derek's staring down the end of a gun barrel and the next, he's watching Mark get shot twice because he shoved Derek out of the way. Mark saves Derek's life and now he's on the ground in front of Derek, pouring his life out onto the floor in a bright red pool.
There's a third gunshot, but that one takes out the man who shot Mark and that's okay with Derek. He crawls over to Mark, leaning over him. Mark's eyes are open and he stares up at Derek.
"Come on, Mark, you can't die on me, you asshole. What the hell were you thinking? Mark, don't yo dare die on me. Please, Mark." Derek pleads, Mark's blood soaking into his pants and getting all over his hands.
Suddenly he's being pulled away from Mark, Meredith and Cristina hauling him to his feet as police and other doctors flood the scene. Mark's put on a gurney and rushed to an O.R. and Derek tries to follow, but Meredith stands in front of him.
"Let him go, Derek." She says and Derek stares at her uncomprehendingly.
"I can't do that, Meredith. He's my best friend. I can't just leave him when he needs me." Derek says, making to move past her.
She blocks his way again. "You know you can't go into surgery with him, so just wait with me. Everything's going to be fine."
She leads him into the waiting room and soon after that, they speak with the police about what happened. Derek is still covered in Mark's blood and Meredith takes him into the nearest restroom to get cleaned up. She brings him a pair of scrubs to change into and he does.
They go back out to wait for someone to come and update them. Derek stares at the red under his nails. Mark's blood. He can still see Mark laying there in the spreading circle of blood, staring up at him, two holes in his chest.
"He saved my life. He literally took a bullet for me. Twice." Derek says quietly, still staring at his nails.
Meredith doesn't say anything. She rubs a hand along Derek's shoulders.
"I cheated on him, told him he was pathetic for taking me back, told him he didn't make me happy, told him I didn't love him, and ignored him for weeks. And he still saves my life at the risk of his own." Derek picks at the blood under his nails.
"He loves you and you still love him. Let's face it, Derek. We're fun, but we're not meant to last. You and Mark are. You need to fix things with him." Meredith says gently.
"If he lives. If there's anything left to fix." Derek mutters.
"Everything will be fine." Meredith says, squeezing his shoulder.
Derek doesn't reply. They settle in for a tense wait.
~*~
Several hours later, Bailey comes out of the O.R. and heads for them.
Derek stands up. "Is he alive?"
"Yes. Both were through and through. There was no major damage, but he'll be off his feet for a while and recovery will take time, but he'll make a full one. He's in Recovery now, sedated, but you can see him if you'd like." She says, keeping it short.
Derek thanks her and hurries off. Meredith stays behind, watching him as he leaves.
"He really does love Mark." She says, half to herself.
Bailey looks back at Meredith. "They love each other. It's time to let him go."
Meredith nods. "I know."
Bailey nods at her and walks away.
Meredith sighs and scrubs her hands over her face. It's been a long and trying day. She heads for the locker room and sits on the bench, taking a moment to breath. She just needs a moment.
~*~
When Mark wakes up, the first thing he notices is his horribly dry mouth. The second thing he notices is the warmth of someone holding his hand. He blinks, clearing his slightly fuzzy vision and looks over. Derek is slumped onto his bed, head resting on one arm while he holds Mark's hand with the other. He's sound asleep, looking as if he's been there for hours.
Mark squeezes Derek's hand gently, smirking faintly when Derek jolts up into a sitting position.
"You're awake!" He exclaims, looking at Mark.
"Yeah. Who do I have to flirt with to get some water around here?" Mark asks, wincing at the sandpaper feel of his tongue.
Derek pours him a cup of water with one hand, still holding onto Mark's. He sticks a straw in it and holds it up to Mark's mouth.
"Really?" Mark arches an eyebrow at Derek.
"Really." Derek brings the cup closer to Mark's face.
Mark sighs, but drinks it anyway because he really is thirsty. When he's had enough, Derek puts the cup down on the table.
"What are you doing here?" Mark asks.
Derek stares at him. "Why wouldn't I be here?"
"You hate me now. Figured you'd be bummed that I didn't die." It's a low blow, but Mark doesn't really care.
Derek winces, fingers curling even tighter around Mark's hand in reflex. Mark pulls his hand away.
"I don't hate you and I don't want you to die. You saved my life, Mark. You literally took a bullet for me. Two of them. After all I did, and you still saved me." Derek says, eyes searching Mark's face.
"Yeah, well, it looks bad if you let the Chief of Surgery get shot right in front of you and do nothing." Mark shrugs as best he can, wincing slightly at the tug and pull of his stitches.
Derek reaches out for Mark's hand. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I did and said. I'm sorry for ignoring you."
Mark moves his hand away from Derek. "Good for you."
"What does that mean?" Derek asks, looking confused.
"It means you can be sorry all you want, but I'm not coming back to you. You had your chance, but you decided that I wasn't worth it anymore. I know that in New York, we had some issues to work on, but that doesn't mean you get to hop on a plane and fly across the country and leave me behind. That doesn't mean you start sleeping with someone else and then tell me it's my fault and that you don't love me and that I never made you happy." Mark's hands are clenched in the bed sheets.
Before Derek can reply, Mark's blood pressure monitor starts beeping rapidly and a nurse comes in.
"Dr. Shepherd, can you step outside for a moment?" She asks, stepping over to Mark and checking his vitals.
Mark stares him down and Derek sighs, doing as he's asked. He waits impatiently for the nurse to finish looking Mark over before going back into his room when she leaves.
"I don't want to talk to you." Mark snaps.
"Please, Mark. I almost lost you today." Derek pleads.
"You lost me when you decided sleeping with Meredith was a good idea." Mark glares at Derek.
"You almost died saving my life. I don't want to live without you." Derek tries again to change Mark's mind.
"Derek, I'm tired. I got shot twice today. I can't deal with this right now." Mark shakes his head.
Derek bites his lip for a moment before walking over to the bed and leaning down, kissing Mark softly on the mouth. Mark freezes, tensing under Derek for a moment before giving in to the kiss. Derek's hands cup Mark's face, curling into his hair. When they part, Derek rests his forehead against Mark's.
"You can't just kiss it all better, you know." Mark says, but his voice is soft and not angry.
"I know, but I want to try." Derek murmurs, kissing Mark again lightly.
"No, you don't. You're just feeling guilty about what happened. I'm not going to let you use this to try to come back to what we had and then leave me again when you get bored." Mark turns his face away from Derek.
"I know I made a mistake. I was still angry at you for what happened with Addison and I didn't handle it the right way and sleeping with Meredith wasn't the answer. I know that. I know that I was cruel to you and unfair, but I just miss you." Derek sinks back down into the chair.
"You certainly weren't missing me when you were all over the hospital with Meredith. You didn't miss me when you were ignoring me for weeks on end." Mark snaps.
Derek sighs. "I know I went about this all wrong. I wanted to punish you instead of trying to work things out. It was a mistake and I'm so sorry I did that to you."
"It's a little late for apologies." Mark says.
Derek stands back up and moves closer to Mark. He reaches out and trails his fingers softly down Mark's cheek, leaning in and kissing him softly, barely touching him. "Please, Mark. I love you."
Mark aches at Derek's soft words. He knows that Derek broke his heart over and over again without caring, but all he wants in that moment is to love Derek and have Derek love him because when they're happy together, they're on cloud nine. He wants Derek back more than anything, but he has to be sure. "You really mean this, right? This isn't just because I got shot?"
"I mean it. More than anything." Derek smiles, kissing Mark again.
"This can't be like last time. We need to work through shit together and not shut each other out." Mark says in between kisses.
"We will. We'll be better. We'll get it right this time." Derek mumbles, still kissing Mark.
"Promise?" Mark asks, smiling.
"I promise." Derek says with a smile of his own.
Derek kicks off his shoes and shrugs out of his lab coat before climbing into bed with Mark, careful of his wounds. He curls around him and runs his fingers through Mark's hair, letting a comfortable silence fall over them as they lean against one another. Derek listens to Mark's breathing even out as he falls asleep and smile to himself as he turns out the bedside lamp.
The darkness falls over them and Derek thinks that this time, they really do have a chance to get it right and not repeat the mistakes of the past. They're going to grow old together because Derek can't imagine life without Mark.
The ache that he's been holding at bay finally slams into him and he breaks down, sobbing as quietly as he can so as not to wake Mark up and worry him. He almost lost Mark today. It's his fault that Mark is laying in a hospital bed with gunshot wounds in the first place. He doesn't know what he would have done if they hadn't saved Mark. Nothing pretty, he's sure. He really can't imagine life without Mark because Mark's always been there and will always be there. He has to be. Derek doesn't know how to live without Mark in his life.
He takes a few deep breaths and tries to calm down. Mark's alive and he's going to make a full recovery. He's fine, he's breathing, and he's in Derek's arms. Everything will be okay. Sure, they still have some issues to work out, but they can do it. They'll make it through it. Derek can't afford to believe anything other than that.
He settles in against Mark, fingers still carding through Mark's hair as he closes his eyes and tries to relax long enough to get some sleep.
Meredith pauses outside the window to Mark's room, catching sight of Derek curled around Mark in bed. She tilts her head and watches them for a moment, finally understanding something she didn't before. They just fit together like pieces of the same puzzle. They fit in ways she and Derek never did and never will. She smiles slightly and nods to herself before walking away.
Everything will be okay.