Desecrated: The Real Story
Prepare yourself...
For...
Crack...
With a tad bit of serious thrown in for shits and giggles.
Cara: I can so totally cook... see... nobody's going to die from my cooking. I don't cook that bad.
Richard: *peers over shoulder* Hmm, err... Cara... you're melting the pot.
Cara: *stare* Want to see what happens when you stick your head in it?
Richard: *serious face* My Seeker tenses are tingling! I must stand here and look cool with my long, billowy hair that I think so rivals Kahlan's and act manly even though I'm pretty sure I'm going to piddle in my breeches.
Cara: *sexes hair* Hmm... my Kahlan senses are tingling *grabs sextoys Agiels*
Kahlan: *comes out of nowhere - all panty and sweaty like she was doing naughty things with one of Cara's sextoys Agiels* Richard! You have to come fast! There's a kitten trapped in a tree!
Richard: 0_0 Oh noes! I must save it! How fluffy is it on a scale of 1-10?!
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Scenery Change: Well that town isn't creepy... not one bit.
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*epic boomy announcer voice* And here we have Team Awesome entering the quaint little haunted town, protecting Richard from the perils of the night. Yes boys and girls... that's right, Team Awesome should be renamed Team Bewbs.
Cara: *epic Mord'Sith "what is this fuckery" room scan, accompanied with bewbs pushed out*
Richard: *whisper* I hear if we look to the left, they'll go right, and that's the Kansas City Shuffle, Kahlan - watch the right.
Kahlan: *looks left* FU Richard, I'm looking left, you look right.
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!!!!Powerful magic Zedd will get no credit for later on!!!!
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Richard: Zomg! Wtf?!
Kahlan: *smug*
Cara: *eye roll*
Kahlan: See, this is only part one of your birthday! You get to watch Cara and I have sexyteims later.
Richard: *Richardy grin* Huh *looks to Cara* Really? Really really?
Cara: *glares* Ask me really one more time and the answer will be no.
Kahlan: *grins* Isn't she so adorable? Trying to be all tough when really she's the little spoon. Maw... *actually says* Cara, remember the deal.
Cara: *remembers said deal - she gets to be the big spoon for once* Shoot... right... yes, Richard! You get to watch us have sexyteims.
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We now have some dancing remenicant of Knight's Tale
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Zedd: *pervs out*
Cara: Put your eyes up, Wizard.
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That really didn't happen in my mind... just insert Cara...
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Folks, this is what peer pressure really is... and this is how you break a Mord'Sith...
Kahlan: *smile* if you don't get up there you'll have no sexyteims for a month.
Cara: *smile-glare at Kahlan ~thinking* You are my Mistress, disobeying is naughty... however... just you wait... *eyes narrow* I'm cooking for the rest of the month.
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MORE REALLY AWESOME POWERFUL FIREWORKS MAGIC
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Richard: What the hell do you mean you can't bring Kahlan and Cara back?! They were going to let me watch them have sexyteims! BRING THEM BACK! YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ME!
Cara: What is this fuckery? We're being timed? This is powerful magic =.= I think Zedd fucked up again.
Kahlan: Ooh! A piece of paper, and it's been doodled on... doo doo doo... *opens* 0 o 0 OMG... it's from Shota!
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!!!!Casey Kasem Voice over - Kahlan Style!!!!
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And it reads:
Dear Cara and Kahlan,
You have 12 hours to make babies. Have fun.
From
The Witch Woman
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!!!!END Casey Kasem Voice over - Yes I did that in my head!
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Serious eye!sexing... it's so hot!
Cara: *grunts and does push-ups against the wall to get all heated up and such*
Kahlan: *reads the Cara'Sutra aloud* How to top a Mord'Sith, step 13...
Cara: *strokes the wall intently*
Kahlan: *groan* WHO HAS THE LASER POINTER?!
*ahem*
Now we have sexrobatics... maybe Kahlan get's off feeling so high up?
From Cara's PoV:
Panel 1 - This sucks shadrin balls!
Panel 2 - Assessing the situation "*foams* SO MUCH SKIN! *shifty eyes* Must... not... pounce... must... not... pounce..."
Panel 3 - Just nod to everything she says... don't drool...
Panel 4 - Reassess situation "Kahlan's got sex hair... and she's flushed, I should make her feel better"
*insert plot there*
Cara: *squints* I think I see a monkey etched on the wall.
Kahlan: *looks* I don't see it. *turns to look at Cara and does the creepy stare thing - although not because it's Kahlan*
Kahlan: My eyes are up here.
Cara: Uh huh...
Kahlan: I think Darken Rahl is sexy.
Cara: Uh huh...
Kahlan: *hands on hips*
Only Cara can get that face when she's talking about offing herself (yeah maybe I've watched it to much with sound not to know what they're saying >_>)
The gist -
Kahlan: No, you're just as important as I am.
Cara: No... I'm a Mord'Sith, I'm expendable - you're not.
And to the right we have time just ebbing away... seriously Kahlan, do you not want to have Cara's babies or something? Shota only gave you guys 12 hours!
Okay... so maybe girl talk comes before sexyteims... I mean they have to discuss what they're willing to do and not willing to do in bed.
Cara: *looks at questionnaire- ponders allowed* What do you like in bed? *scrunches face up and marks up the paper to read: What don't you like in bed? - scrunches face up even more and thinks really really hard - only manages a handful (literally - 5 things tops, and that's a stretch, she's a Mord'Sith!)*
Kahlan: *eyes questionnaire - looks to Cara* What do they mean when - *sees Cara done and in need of a hug*
Kahlan: Soooo...
Cara: *leans forward* Whatcha in for?
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cut from screen - a slap to the leg
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Cara: *lunges for dagger* If you can't give me sexyteims I'll go to the world with no undies damnit! I have needs!
Kahlan: *flails and lunges* Nononono! We have to wait to give Richard his present!
Cara: But Shota-
Kahlan: Isn't to be trusted!
Cara: *does some mocking*
Kahlan: *puts her in a choke-hold for said mocking - develops into sexyteims*
Oh! There we go! See there? Kahlan's on her knees... and there... Cara's using that devilish tongue that Denna was talking about...
Oh and now the fire's going out to cue a climax and look... mawww
Now they have after-sexyteims-hand holding because spooning is for nightime-sexyteims...
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Throw in some more powerful magic
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Richard: *runs in* O_O DID I MISS THE-awe... man... *thinks* maybe if I comfort Kahlan *gives Kahlan a hug of sorts* I can has voyeurism now?
Cara: Oh no, we are not letting Richard watch sexyteims, his birthday is over, we're out of that tomb that we only got to have sexyteims once in... nu. Uh uh. Not even if the Creator herself demanded it.
Kahlan: *facepalms*
Richard: *desperate* Awe! But, Kahlan surely-
Kahlan: *looks over her shoulder and shakes her head at him*
Thus what happens when a cracky femslash writer watches Desecrated on mute