I know I'm going to have to read this again to get it all, but for now? Awesome. I loved how you crafted Jack to think he knows all of Sam and possibly Daniel and he does...but then flipped it over to show how they know him better than he knows himself. And how sometimes love is just love and it's messy, complicated, and utterly simple.
Not to mention she'd so would shoot out his tires and not blink.
(But um...were you implying that JD could be more...involved with the Snake then programing because damn that will be messy.)
(JD in Ba'al's empire is going to be damn messy. Heh.)
I think Jack tells himself so many things that aren't necessarily true, because he (thinks that he) needs them to be true in order for him to survive. It's like he says in here: not having any choice but one sucks in a lot of ways, but in other ways it's easier, because he doesn't have to make the hard choices, just do the hard things, you know? And God, yeah, by this point Sam would shoot out his tires and not blink, because she is so over this shit. *giggle*
This whole story really is my love letter to Sam, who deserved better than what they did to her, a lot of the time. And Jack, bless him. He wants to stop running, and he doesn't know how, and he's terrified that someone might see through him at the same time that he wants it more than he can even comprehend. And coming face-to-face (so to speak) with this version of himself who has been able to stop running, been able to turn around and face the shit square in the eyes, is throwing his whole world into a tailspin. I feel so damn sorry for him ...
As far as I'm concerned, this might as well be show canon, because it's the characters as I've seen them there, and as they might have been if Sam hadn't gone to Atlantis.
(And the capacity to portray this kind of emotional depth in Jack is the major reason I can't ever see Kurt Russell in the movie as anything except some kind of substitute for RDA, because Russell does repression really well but there's not much under it. Whereas with RDA you don't just see the trap door over the snakepit, you can see the snakes wiggling under the door and just how it makes him feel as well.)
Jack wants so hard to believe there's something else, while telling himself he can't get there.
Not only can't get there, but doesn't deserve to get there. Which really is the key point. It's not that Jack doesn't want something else, it's that he doesn't know how the fuck he could possibly "qualify" for it.
To borrow a religious metaphor that doesn't at all apply (because I don't think Jack's religious, not at all) -- Jack knows he's a miserable sinner, and he doesn't think there's even the possibility of grace or redemption, because every time someone's shown him the possibility, it's turned out to be shallow or surface or based on what they thought they knew of him and not what's really there. And he really doesn't want to go through that with Carter. Not again. Not ever again.
Not a lick of Cam and JD (except that they are there), and it rocked, and made me want to hit Jack, a lot harder than Sam did. But then again, she loves him, even with what he sees as all his fatal flaws, and that hurts worse and is scarier than any physical attack.
Love is a terrifying and transformative thing, isn't it? I love Jack in this so much, because he's scared as hell and he doesn't know what to do with it, with any of it, and there's Sam standing up and conquering all her fears and her own impulse to run away and making him face it. And yeah, she doesn't know all of him, all the things he keeps telling himself are horrible beyond measure (even if he's a little unspecific as to what those things actually are, even to himself, because every time someone finds one of them out and isn't impressed, the impulse is to say -- well, that wasn't the thing, really) but she knows enough to have decided that even if she peels back all the layers he presents people and finds that what she thought they had isn't real, she'll still be able to respect him. And that's the important thing, and that's what's giving her this courage.
It's not going to be easy for them. Not in the least. But Cam and JD's example will make it possible...
It really is, isn't it? Layers upon layers, from JD to Cam, Cam back to JD, Cam and JD to Sam and thus back to Jack -- they're all touching each other and changing each other and shaping each other, and it's so cool to watch and play with. Thank you -- I'm really glad you liked this one.
All he can do is gape at her. He forgets, sometimes, that she's fifteen years younger than he is. It's amazing what a difference it can make.
I forget, over and over, just how big someone's sexual orientation can loom in their own self-image, that for so many people, for so long, it could literally be a fatal secret, because it just doesn't make any fucking sense to me.
The first time I heard the Wiccan Rede, it clicked into me so profoundly that I couldn't believe that it didn't resonate within everyone just as strongly. (Which is childish, I know, since people delight in expounding on imagined harms.) It's so damned simple: if I'm not hurting anyone, then why are my choices any concern of yours?
In this story, Jack is circling and circling around his Big Awful Secret, his poisoned well of self-loathing and martyrdom, and I admire Sam's restraint in only hitting him once, and her patience in letting him go work things out.
Jack's spent years thinking that if anyone knew, if any person of honor and steadfastness knew the
( ... )
Never let it be said that I'm a one-trick pony. ;)
I think that thoroughly-learned notion of internalized homophobia is such a core part of this Jack, because he is a product of his times. He's a good man, and he would never look down on someone else for "driving stick" -- might blink a few times, maybe be a bit uncomfortable, but hey, whatever floats your boat -- but when it comes to him? Oh, double standard and a half.
And yeah, Sam's right; Jack doesn't even really know the word 'bisexual'. She, of course, is perfectly okay with this fact -- after all, how could someone not love Daniel? Daniel is loveable. (Well, okay, mostly loveable.) And she knows the two of them have a connection that she can barely comprehend. She is a little annoyed at the years of leaving the Thing unspoken, but Cam also made her realize that's as much her fault as his, and that's something she can't not 'fess up to
( ... )
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Not to mention she'd so would shoot out his tires and not blink.
(But um...were you implying that JD could be more...involved with the Snake then programing because damn that will be messy.)
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I think Jack tells himself so many things that aren't necessarily true, because he (thinks that he) needs them to be true in order for him to survive. It's like he says in here: not having any choice but one sucks in a lot of ways, but in other ways it's easier, because he doesn't have to make the hard choices, just do the hard things, you know? And God, yeah, by this point Sam would shoot out his tires and not blink, because she is so over this shit. *giggle*
Thank you! I'm so glad you liked it :)
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I love Sam when she's stubborn and direct. And I love screwed-up, messed-up Jack, who is trying so hard to figure out how not to run away.
::going back to reread 11 and this again, just because::
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Thank you!
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(And the capacity to portray this kind of emotional depth in Jack is the major reason I can't ever see Kurt Russell in the movie as anything except some kind of substitute for RDA, because Russell does repression really well but there's not much under it. Whereas with RDA you don't just see the trap door over the snakepit, you can see the snakes wiggling under the door and just how it makes him feel as well.)
Jack wants so hard to believe there's something else, while telling himself he can't get there.
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To borrow a religious metaphor that doesn't at all apply (because I don't think Jack's religious, not at all) -- Jack knows he's a miserable sinner, and he doesn't think there's even the possibility of grace or redemption, because every time someone's shown him the possibility, it's turned out to be shallow or surface or based on what they thought they knew of him and not what's really there. And he really doesn't want to go through that with Carter. Not again. Not ever again.
Gonna take a while for Sam to get him past it ...
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A+++++!
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It's not going to be easy for them. Not in the least. But Cam and JD's example will make it possible...
Thank you!
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I forget, over and over, just how big someone's sexual orientation can loom in their own self-image, that for so many people, for so long, it could literally be a fatal secret, because it just doesn't make any fucking sense to me.
The first time I heard the Wiccan Rede, it clicked into me so profoundly that I couldn't believe that it didn't resonate within everyone just as strongly. (Which is childish, I know, since people delight in expounding on imagined harms.) It's so damned simple: if I'm not hurting anyone, then why are my choices any concern of yours?
In this story, Jack is circling and circling around his Big Awful Secret, his poisoned well of self-loathing and martyrdom, and I admire Sam's restraint in only hitting him once, and her patience in letting him go work things out.
Jack's spent years thinking that if anyone knew, if any person of honor and steadfastness knew the ( ... )
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I think that thoroughly-learned notion of internalized homophobia is such a core part of this Jack, because he is a product of his times. He's a good man, and he would never look down on someone else for "driving stick" -- might blink a few times, maybe be a bit uncomfortable, but hey, whatever floats your boat -- but when it comes to him? Oh, double standard and a half.
And yeah, Sam's right; Jack doesn't even really know the word 'bisexual'. She, of course, is perfectly okay with this fact -- after all, how could someone not love Daniel? Daniel is loveable. (Well, okay, mostly loveable.) And she knows the two of them have a connection that she can barely comprehend. She is a little annoyed at the years of leaving the Thing unspoken, but Cam also made her realize that's as much her fault as his, and that's something she can't not 'fess up to ( ... )
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